Don't Forget the Driver (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Dunkirk
1
The thing is, Barry,
it's high season here,
and I'm at full stretch.
And, um, Kayla's in
a bit of a dark place.
Mum Mum, well,
she's just not herself.
And the thing is, Barry, the thing is,
she, she's not going to get any better.
Bollocks.
I'm on my own now, mate.
- Barry? Did you hear any of that?
- Something about your bollocks?
No, no, Mum can't look after herself.
- Ah, it's bloody awful, Pee-wee.
- Dad? Tell him about the thing.
- What?
- We were watching the Bognor webcam this morning,
Uncle Pete, and we saw something by
the pier. What did you think it was, Dad?
Oh, yeah, yeah, a porpoise.
Yeah, a porpoise.
Yeah, it wasn't there yesterday.
Take a look.
Ah, tell you what,
we'll watch you on the webcam.
- Do a bomb, Dad!
- Hang on, Barry.
- Barry!
- Here I come!
We haven't sorted out
what we're going to do about
Barry?!
Cammy, you get over there,
you have a go!
Kay? Where's that Spanish omelette?
What?
- From last night.
- I'm asleep.
Did you eat that Spanish omelette?
- Might have.
- Do you even know?
Yeah, I did eat that Spanish omelette.
It's not funny.
You didn't even know.
There no food in the house.
Can we talk about this in the morning?
- Dad!
- That was my lunch.
And don't forget I'm back late,
so you have to see your nan today.
She doesn't know who I am.
Yes, she does.
Give us a wave, mate. I'm here.
Can you see us?
Look up, over here.
Give us a wave, go on.
What is it, bro? A porpoise?
Look, mate, this is five bucks
a minute, bro.
Can't tell.
Dad, tell him to go and have a look.
Well, go and take a look then, mate.
Mate? Mate?!
Pee-wee?
Why's he running away, Dad?
What you doing?
Mate?
It's 6:25 AM.
- Last orders at the bar, please, last orders at the bar.
- Aww.
Come on, going to lose our jobs
if this carries on, matey boy. Out!
Peter, my friend.
Yeah, your colleague.
Yes.
You, me, top secret.
The office aren't stupid, Lech,
they know something's going on.
You're a very kind man, Peter.
I'm not a kind man.
Yes, you are a kind man.
No, no!
Put me down. Put me down!
Look, you're in West Sussex, mate,
you're not in Danzig now.
- Dzieki.
- You're welcome.
- Out, come on!
- OK, OK.
Auf wiedersehen.
- Sauce?
- What?
Your sausage.
Oh, uh, no.
Yes, sorry, Fran.
Something on your mind, Pete?
Is it your mum?
Mm, yeah, and Kayla, of course.
Kids and mums, eh?
Mums and kids.
Oh, um, me and Kieran,
we're going to that quiz night
tonight, do you want to tag along?
Where have you been?
Aye, aye.
Aye, aye. Hope I'm not interrupting
anything.
All right, Squeaky?
- You coming with us, Fran?
- If only.
I'm sure Pete could squeeze you in, eh?
So long, sweet cheeks.
Pete? Your sausage!
- Looking forward to it? - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Morning. - Yeah? Come on.
Morning.
Morning, morning.
Lovely day for it.
Hello, Peter.
- Morning.
- How's your poor mum?
Not so good, thanks, Maureen.
Oh, I heard she weren't tiptop.
That's your jacket there, is it?
There's plenty of seats
further back, Maureen.
Oh, all right, then.
Come on.
Bloody early, innit, girls?
We should be in bed,
shouldn't we, Doris?
Yes!
Heh-heh-heh!
As we say here, you are
Bassett's greatest assets,
so buckle up, please, folks,
it's the law.
- I AM the law!
- Dave.
I've lived for nearly 80 years
and I've been perfectly all right
- without a buckle.
- Yeah.
Two drivers today, ladies and gents,
you lucky, lucky things.
So it's Dunkirk to do our duty
to the dearly departed
and then for those keen to join 'em,
we're off to get you all
booze and fags.
Booze and fags, booze
and fags, booze and fags
If the French had been
a bit more bloody organised
in the Ardennes and held the Krauts
at Lille for one more day,
then, of course, we could have
got to Berlin
before the bloody Russians.
But they hadn't said anything
about the bloody Resistance,
what are you talking about?
If Listen to me.
If
We're going back into Europe,
ladies and gents.
Uh, sorry, sorry about that,
ladies and gents,
I apologise for my colleague.
Some serious stuff,
we will keep our watches
on English time today.
So remember,
the itinerary is all on BST.
Uh, I trust you have all
remembered your passports.
Yes!
Otherwise you'll be spending a day
at Ashford Retail Park.
I've got coffins to polish.
Sure.
Someone needs to put
a rocket up your arse.
And go see your nan!
Love you, too.
Have a good day, Bradley.
You, too, sweetheart.
Fuck's sake.
See all them police?
- Eh?
- On Bognor Beach?
Really?
They've closed the bloody road now.
Why do you wear that stupid thing?
In case I get a call, Pete.
Hands-free.
Hai Karate!
I only take it off when I'm on the
Ah!
Come on, Pete.
You need to get off, Maureen.
Oh, not feeling too clever, Peter.
Thing is, officially,
I can't start my break
if you're still on board.
Oh, just a bit of fresh air, then.
Here we go.
You've got a brother,
haven't you, Peter?
I'm a twin.
I lost my brother here.
Oh, right.
15 years older than me, he was.
Drowned on these beaches, or shot,
or left to rot or something.
No-one picked him up, see?
Mm.
There's no name on the grave.
It's unknown.
It makes me so sad.
I'd leave that a couple of minutes
if I were you.
It stinks.
Pah!
Nan?
Nan? It's me.
Nan?
There you go, there you go, love.
Oh, heavens
You sit down, that's it.
Oh!
They never picked him up, see?
Right, I'm just going to get my lunch.
Oh, imagine your own brother,
eaten by fishes.
All our boys.
And for what?
If Churchill was alive today,
he'd be turning in his grave.
Only it's not the Jews now, is it?
It's the other lot.
..found by a dog walker in
the early hours of this morning,
and police are currently attempting
to establish his identity.
Locals are advised to avoid
the west side of the pier.
Traffic on Marine Parade
has been diverted and entry roads
closed until further notice.
Now, we go live to the scene
Kay? Kay?
- Over here.
- OK.
Oi, oi!
Maureen? Move.
Maureen?
Booze and fags,
booze and fags, booze and fags.
Don't go crazy now, folks,
remember it's for your own
consumption, your own consumption.
I'm your neighbour, aren't I, Joy?
I don't think you are.
Sorry about this.
Hello, darling.
All right, Joy? Kayla?
All right, Parish?
Parish, homework
I'll phone my dad.
I was going to cook her
something to eat,
do you want some?
Uh, thing is,
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Well, you can, you can leave her
with me if you need to.
Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.
Uh, just don't give her nothing spicy.
I was going to poach her an egg.
Parish?
Parish!
There was a body.
- What?
- On the beach, mate.
Bognor, a dead body.
Really?
Season started late.
Eh?
Remember last year?
All over the place.
Where did you get all that stuff?
Never you mind.
- You're going to get nicked one of these days.
- Yeah.
We've got a bit of a situation.
Maureen?
Maureen?
You shouldn't have
worn her out at lunch, Pete.
Anyone got any sugar?
Pete?
Get that down you, go on.
- Eat it.
- Get it down you, girl.
- That's it, get the tongue out. Thumb it in.
- Dave. - Thumb that in.
- That's it love, that's it.
- Get the sugar out, suck it.
Come on.
Look at that, eh?
Result. Result. Result.
There you are, Maureen.
In you go. In you go.
That's it. That's it.
This is sugar, love.
Shot or stabbed?
Shot.
Freeze or burn?
Burn.
- Wrong.
- It's a personal choice, Bradley.
Are you arguing with a professional?
Sorry.
Drown or crucifixion?
- Mate, that is not a fair comparison.
- So?
You can't accidentally crucify
yourself.
They might not have accidentally
drowned.
So
Mademoiselles and Messieurs,
can you please buckle up?
Buckle up.
Let's get you home in one piece.
Bugger off, mate.
Bloody chancers.
Did you hear what they found
on the beach today?
No, dear.
Somebody died.
Where are you from again?
I'm just from next door.
This is my house.
It's mine.
How's it all going then?
Oh, I've been looking after
my nan all day.
You know, um
The thing is, I've been
juggling things a lot lately.
No.
Well, I have, and I have been
managing on my own up till now.
But the thing is, it's starting
to get a big difficult.
So I was just wondering whether you
fancied doing a couple of?
Is this a job interview?
Just for a couple of days a week.
- How early?
- Early.
The thing is, Fran
I'm a vegetarian.
You don't have to eat the bloody stuff.
Stop it. Sorry.
Right. See later, then.
See you around.
Let's go.
You're such a dickhead.
In your face, Kieran.
Dave
It's working, mate, it's working.
What is?
The body goes black in the water, Kay.
There was one at work
with blonde hair, right?
Skin is a greenish black.
No!
- I don't know why you want to do that job.
- It's the future, Kay.
What is?
- Death.
- My dick's the future.
- Are you going to work for Fran?
- I'd rather drown.
- I'm going to get out of here.
- Yeah?
I'm going to talk to my mum.
Yeah?
Go back to Birmingham,
get a proper job.
There's nothing here, is there?
Well, there's always
Butlin's.
Let me give you a hand, babe.
Oh, thank you for your help, David.
Pleasure to serve, babe.
Give my love to your mum, Peter.
I'm going to hop too, Pete,
I'll see you later, yeah?
What? Dave? Dave, no!
It's your turn to clean the coach!
Dave!
The identity of the body
found beside Bognor Pier
this morning is still to be
established.
Initial reports suggest
the person died at sea
and had been floating for
several days before washing up.
I can boogie
But I need a certain song ♪
I can boogie
Boogie, boogie
All night long ♪
Huh! I don't believe this, Lech!
- You really are taking the piss!
- What do you want?
I have Kielbasa vodka.
Cheese?
I'll be putting her to bed.
No speak English.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Question number six.
Which football team played at Elm Road?
Want some of these?
Thanks, mate. Wicked.
Want some of these, mate? Fiver.
Come on, thanks, mate. Anybody else?
This was a few years ago,
which football team?
Want to buy some baccy, mate?
Fiver?
- Fran? - No, mate.
- Kieran? No?
Oh.
Are you all right, lass?
Hey! Are you all right?
Come on, I've got you now.
Yeah?
Come on.
One, two, three, here we go! See?
Oh, I'll see you out, eh?
None of your fucking business.
Come on. Let's go. Shhh.
Fran?
Hello, is that Peter Green?
You're my "phone a friend", babes.
Where are you?
Are you all right, Pete?
Pete, are you OK?
Pete! Pete!
The thing is, Barry,
it's high season here,
and I'm at full stretch.
And, um, Kayla's in
a bit of a dark place.
Mum Mum, well,
she's just not herself.
And the thing is, Barry, the thing is,
she, she's not going to get any better.
Bollocks.
I'm on my own now, mate.
- Barry? Did you hear any of that?
- Something about your bollocks?
No, no, Mum can't look after herself.
- Ah, it's bloody awful, Pee-wee.
- Dad? Tell him about the thing.
- What?
- We were watching the Bognor webcam this morning,
Uncle Pete, and we saw something by
the pier. What did you think it was, Dad?
Oh, yeah, yeah, a porpoise.
Yeah, a porpoise.
Yeah, it wasn't there yesterday.
Take a look.
Ah, tell you what,
we'll watch you on the webcam.
- Do a bomb, Dad!
- Hang on, Barry.
- Barry!
- Here I come!
We haven't sorted out
what we're going to do about
Barry?!
Cammy, you get over there,
you have a go!
Kay? Where's that Spanish omelette?
What?
- From last night.
- I'm asleep.
Did you eat that Spanish omelette?
- Might have.
- Do you even know?
Yeah, I did eat that Spanish omelette.
It's not funny.
You didn't even know.
There no food in the house.
Can we talk about this in the morning?
- Dad!
- That was my lunch.
And don't forget I'm back late,
so you have to see your nan today.
She doesn't know who I am.
Yes, she does.
Give us a wave, mate. I'm here.
Can you see us?
Look up, over here.
Give us a wave, go on.
What is it, bro? A porpoise?
Look, mate, this is five bucks
a minute, bro.
Can't tell.
Dad, tell him to go and have a look.
Well, go and take a look then, mate.
Mate? Mate?!
Pee-wee?
Why's he running away, Dad?
What you doing?
Mate?
It's 6:25 AM.
- Last orders at the bar, please, last orders at the bar.
- Aww.
Come on, going to lose our jobs
if this carries on, matey boy. Out!
Peter, my friend.
Yeah, your colleague.
Yes.
You, me, top secret.
The office aren't stupid, Lech,
they know something's going on.
You're a very kind man, Peter.
I'm not a kind man.
Yes, you are a kind man.
No, no!
Put me down. Put me down!
Look, you're in West Sussex, mate,
you're not in Danzig now.
- Dzieki.
- You're welcome.
- Out, come on!
- OK, OK.
Auf wiedersehen.
- Sauce?
- What?
Your sausage.
Oh, uh, no.
Yes, sorry, Fran.
Something on your mind, Pete?
Is it your mum?
Mm, yeah, and Kayla, of course.
Kids and mums, eh?
Mums and kids.
Oh, um, me and Kieran,
we're going to that quiz night
tonight, do you want to tag along?
Where have you been?
Aye, aye.
Aye, aye. Hope I'm not interrupting
anything.
All right, Squeaky?
- You coming with us, Fran?
- If only.
I'm sure Pete could squeeze you in, eh?
So long, sweet cheeks.
Pete? Your sausage!
- Looking forward to it? - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Morning. - Yeah? Come on.
Morning.
Morning, morning.
Lovely day for it.
Hello, Peter.
- Morning.
- How's your poor mum?
Not so good, thanks, Maureen.
Oh, I heard she weren't tiptop.
That's your jacket there, is it?
There's plenty of seats
further back, Maureen.
Oh, all right, then.
Come on.
Bloody early, innit, girls?
We should be in bed,
shouldn't we, Doris?
Yes!
Heh-heh-heh!
As we say here, you are
Bassett's greatest assets,
so buckle up, please, folks,
it's the law.
- I AM the law!
- Dave.
I've lived for nearly 80 years
and I've been perfectly all right
- without a buckle.
- Yeah.
Two drivers today, ladies and gents,
you lucky, lucky things.
So it's Dunkirk to do our duty
to the dearly departed
and then for those keen to join 'em,
we're off to get you all
booze and fags.
Booze and fags, booze
and fags, booze and fags
If the French had been
a bit more bloody organised
in the Ardennes and held the Krauts
at Lille for one more day,
then, of course, we could have
got to Berlin
before the bloody Russians.
But they hadn't said anything
about the bloody Resistance,
what are you talking about?
If Listen to me.
If
We're going back into Europe,
ladies and gents.
Uh, sorry, sorry about that,
ladies and gents,
I apologise for my colleague.
Some serious stuff,
we will keep our watches
on English time today.
So remember,
the itinerary is all on BST.
Uh, I trust you have all
remembered your passports.
Yes!
Otherwise you'll be spending a day
at Ashford Retail Park.
I've got coffins to polish.
Sure.
Someone needs to put
a rocket up your arse.
And go see your nan!
Love you, too.
Have a good day, Bradley.
You, too, sweetheart.
Fuck's sake.
See all them police?
- Eh?
- On Bognor Beach?
Really?
They've closed the bloody road now.
Why do you wear that stupid thing?
In case I get a call, Pete.
Hands-free.
Hai Karate!
I only take it off when I'm on the
Ah!
Come on, Pete.
You need to get off, Maureen.
Oh, not feeling too clever, Peter.
Thing is, officially,
I can't start my break
if you're still on board.
Oh, just a bit of fresh air, then.
Here we go.
You've got a brother,
haven't you, Peter?
I'm a twin.
I lost my brother here.
Oh, right.
15 years older than me, he was.
Drowned on these beaches, or shot,
or left to rot or something.
No-one picked him up, see?
Mm.
There's no name on the grave.
It's unknown.
It makes me so sad.
I'd leave that a couple of minutes
if I were you.
It stinks.
Pah!
Nan?
Nan? It's me.
Nan?
There you go, there you go, love.
Oh, heavens
You sit down, that's it.
Oh!
They never picked him up, see?
Right, I'm just going to get my lunch.
Oh, imagine your own brother,
eaten by fishes.
All our boys.
And for what?
If Churchill was alive today,
he'd be turning in his grave.
Only it's not the Jews now, is it?
It's the other lot.
..found by a dog walker in
the early hours of this morning,
and police are currently attempting
to establish his identity.
Locals are advised to avoid
the west side of the pier.
Traffic on Marine Parade
has been diverted and entry roads
closed until further notice.
Now, we go live to the scene
Kay? Kay?
- Over here.
- OK.
Oi, oi!
Maureen? Move.
Maureen?
Booze and fags,
booze and fags, booze and fags.
Don't go crazy now, folks,
remember it's for your own
consumption, your own consumption.
I'm your neighbour, aren't I, Joy?
I don't think you are.
Sorry about this.
Hello, darling.
All right, Joy? Kayla?
All right, Parish?
Parish, homework
I'll phone my dad.
I was going to cook her
something to eat,
do you want some?
Uh, thing is,
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Well, you can, you can leave her
with me if you need to.
Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.
Uh, just don't give her nothing spicy.
I was going to poach her an egg.
Parish?
Parish!
There was a body.
- What?
- On the beach, mate.
Bognor, a dead body.
Really?
Season started late.
Eh?
Remember last year?
All over the place.
Where did you get all that stuff?
Never you mind.
- You're going to get nicked one of these days.
- Yeah.
We've got a bit of a situation.
Maureen?
Maureen?
You shouldn't have
worn her out at lunch, Pete.
Anyone got any sugar?
Pete?
Get that down you, go on.
- Eat it.
- Get it down you, girl.
- That's it, get the tongue out. Thumb it in.
- Dave. - Thumb that in.
- That's it love, that's it.
- Get the sugar out, suck it.
Come on.
Look at that, eh?
Result. Result. Result.
There you are, Maureen.
In you go. In you go.
That's it. That's it.
This is sugar, love.
Shot or stabbed?
Shot.
Freeze or burn?
Burn.
- Wrong.
- It's a personal choice, Bradley.
Are you arguing with a professional?
Sorry.
Drown or crucifixion?
- Mate, that is not a fair comparison.
- So?
You can't accidentally crucify
yourself.
They might not have accidentally
drowned.
So
Mademoiselles and Messieurs,
can you please buckle up?
Buckle up.
Let's get you home in one piece.
Bugger off, mate.
Bloody chancers.
Did you hear what they found
on the beach today?
No, dear.
Somebody died.
Where are you from again?
I'm just from next door.
This is my house.
It's mine.
How's it all going then?
Oh, I've been looking after
my nan all day.
You know, um
The thing is, I've been
juggling things a lot lately.
No.
Well, I have, and I have been
managing on my own up till now.
But the thing is, it's starting
to get a big difficult.
So I was just wondering whether you
fancied doing a couple of?
Is this a job interview?
Just for a couple of days a week.
- How early?
- Early.
The thing is, Fran
I'm a vegetarian.
You don't have to eat the bloody stuff.
Stop it. Sorry.
Right. See later, then.
See you around.
Let's go.
You're such a dickhead.
In your face, Kieran.
Dave
It's working, mate, it's working.
What is?
The body goes black in the water, Kay.
There was one at work
with blonde hair, right?
Skin is a greenish black.
No!
- I don't know why you want to do that job.
- It's the future, Kay.
What is?
- Death.
- My dick's the future.
- Are you going to work for Fran?
- I'd rather drown.
- I'm going to get out of here.
- Yeah?
I'm going to talk to my mum.
Yeah?
Go back to Birmingham,
get a proper job.
There's nothing here, is there?
Well, there's always
Butlin's.
Let me give you a hand, babe.
Oh, thank you for your help, David.
Pleasure to serve, babe.
Give my love to your mum, Peter.
I'm going to hop too, Pete,
I'll see you later, yeah?
What? Dave? Dave, no!
It's your turn to clean the coach!
Dave!
The identity of the body
found beside Bognor Pier
this morning is still to be
established.
Initial reports suggest
the person died at sea
and had been floating for
several days before washing up.
I can boogie
But I need a certain song ♪
I can boogie
Boogie, boogie
All night long ♪
Huh! I don't believe this, Lech!
- You really are taking the piss!
- What do you want?
I have Kielbasa vodka.
Cheese?
I'll be putting her to bed.
No speak English.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Question number six.
Which football team played at Elm Road?
Want some of these?
Thanks, mate. Wicked.
Want some of these, mate? Fiver.
Come on, thanks, mate. Anybody else?
This was a few years ago,
which football team?
Want to buy some baccy, mate?
Fiver?
- Fran? - No, mate.
- Kieran? No?
Oh.
Are you all right, lass?
Hey! Are you all right?
Come on, I've got you now.
Yeah?
Come on.
One, two, three, here we go! See?
Oh, I'll see you out, eh?
None of your fucking business.
Come on. Let's go. Shhh.
Fran?
Hello, is that Peter Green?
You're my "phone a friend", babes.
Where are you?
Are you all right, Pete?
Pete, are you OK?
Pete! Pete!