Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- Life is a test.
My biggest test
was an actual test,
the GED, the test you take if
you mess up in high school.
It's like an academic
morning-after pill.
I decided to drop out
because I was taking three
buses to a white
school, where a redhead
would beat my Black ass.
But with the GED, I could
get a good job and start fresh.
So I couldn't wait
to get my test results.
What's it say?
- You failed.
- What?
- Boy, I'ma slap
you into animation.
Ow.
Oh.
Good Lord.
- Do you know how
hard it is to fail the GED?
I have an uncle who
can't read clocks.
And he has two GEDs.
- I can't believe
you slapped me.
- I can't believe you made
me throw my back out.
- That's my mom, Rochelle.
Her test was making
sure her kids succeeded
by any beatings necessary.
- This dinner was
supposed to be a celebration.
We're using up our
back-to-school money
to pay for it.
- That's my father, Julius.
His test was growing up poor.
So he knew the
cost of everything.
- Get your own money, fly.
- Hey.
- Excuse me, my
son failed his GED.
And I'd like to return his food.
He only ate 4
cent worth of fries.
- So does this mean
I'm the smart one now?
- You're eating a straw.
- Cool.
- That's my brother Drew.
Everyone thought I
was his younger brother.
He never worried
about tests because
the only thing greater
than white privilege
is hot privilege.
- Daddy, since Chris failed,
does that mean it's OK for us
to drop out, smoke crack,
and become strippers?
No, baby.
- Oh, see what you did, Chris?
Set a better example.
- Tonya was the youngest
and my dad's favorite.
Her test was how she could
make my life a living hell.
And she got an A every time.
- I just wanted to
get a fresh start.
I can't go back to that school.
- Maybe this
year will be better.
- I don't know about that.
History doesn't repeat itself.
It reboots.
And everybody hates a reboot.
Ugh!
♪
Singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
- I couldn't believe
I failed the GED.
I felt like I had no future.
I was going to get
stuck in Bed-Stuy,
Do or Die, where I was
going to die of embarrassment.
Back in '87, we didn't
have social media.
But on my block, at least
87 people knew your business
before you got home.
- I canceled four
hair appointments
to make this cake for Chris.
Oh, well.
- Little dude from
across the street,
I heard you failed your GED.
- Even our friendly
neighborhood con, Jerome,
was disappointed in me.
And he just mugged a baby.
- Mm, mm, mm.
♪
- Daddy, can I get
dance lessons after you
cut Chris off financially?
- Of course, baby.
- Cut me off? When
did you cut me on?
- If you're not going to
school, you got to get a job
or get out.
I can't have your
sister and brother
thinking it's OK to be a bum.
- We can't kick Chris
out of the house.
- Because you care so
much about me, huh?
- No, because you
can't do anything.
You'll die out there.
That's why you're
going back to school.
- But I missed so much class.
They'll make me
repeat 10th grade.
Everyone will think I'm stupid.
- If you don't think everyone
already thinks you're stupid,
you're stupid.
- Look, Chris, that
school is our best option
so you don't end
up on these streets.
It's scary out there.
Crackheads, gangs, that
white man in a Larry Bird jersey.
10th grade was the worst
year of my life, not including
the year I had a Jheri curl.
And now I had to
do it all over again.
But maybe this
was just a new test.
I could still get a fresh start
by getting fresh clothes from
our renter upstairs, Mr. Omar.
♪
- Ah, here is a
fine, lightly used
item at an affordable price.
- Is this from your
funeral home?
- That ain't none
of your business.
That's between me
and my dead client.
Ah, we need a new mattress.
This one is messing up my back.
- You said that was
from slapping Chris.
- I lied to make him
do better in school.
It's called parenting, duh.
- But we don't have
new mattress money.
- We haven't
slept well in years.
You bought this
one used off a pimp.
It's a Pimpropedic.
- We are not getting
a new mattress.
- Well, then nothing's
going to happen on this one.
- All right, I'll try
to get a third job.
- A third job? No, baby.
I don't want you
working yourself to death.
It's OK. I'll get a job.
- My mom was great at her jobs.
But she was even
better at quitting them.
- That's it.
- Ahh.
- Ooh. I don't need this.
My man has two jobs.
- But don't you want to do
some team-building trust falls?
- Y'all had 400 years to gain
my trust already, Maureen.
I can keep a job
if I want to, Julius.
Damn.
- Uh-huh.
- That look says, "I'm
getting a third job."
- How you like me now?
- Ooh, Chris, I love this
new, not raggedy look.
- My mom hated raggedy.
She was a ghetto snob.
She always said we weren't
rich enough to look poor.
- How did you afford all that?
- That looks like
$40 worth of clothes.
- Mr. Omar sold me a dead
man's clothes real cheap.
- And I've been buying alive
people's clothes all this time?
Mercy!
- It's getting late.
You boys better get going.
Drew.
- It was Drew's freshman year.
And for the first
time in a while,
we'd be at the same school.
I was hoping with my new clothes
he wouldn't outshine me.
Wrong.
- Whoa, you don't look raggedy.
- Why is everyone so surprised?
- Oh, and, Chris, I'm going
down to the temp agency.
Nessa's watching
Tonya after school.
I need you to pick her up
and take her to a dance lesson.
OK?
- Why do I have to be the
backup parent to a demon child?
- Come on, Chris.
She's an angel.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Chris, if you're
late, those clothes
will have two dead owners.
- I had to take three
buses to school.
But the bus drivers
wouldn't always stop for us.
They were scared
of my neighborhood.
They were scared of
this neighborhood, too.
They weren't scared of
this neighborhood, but I was.
- You boys like candy?
- I can't believe this is how
you've been getting to school.
- I wasn't sure about Drew
going to school with me.
But at that moment, I
was so glad I wasn't alone.
- Drew?
- My friends from the dojo
are offering me a ride, so
- When it came to women,
my brother was like Idris Elba.
- Can I squeeze in?
No.
- And I was like Idris' elbow.
Ain't nobody trying to
have sex with an elbow.
Well, almost nobody.
- I'm just going to walk.
- What happened to your clothes?
- I slipped in mud.
- It don't smell like mud.
- It wasn't mud.
There goes my fresh start.
- I don't know why you need one.
This place seems OK.
- Because it's always the
same old, same old here.
Watch.
Girls ignore me.
- Big guys want to hurt me.
Little guys are
suspicious of me.
There's two of them now.
- And all the adults
here are wack.
- Hello, students.
This is Principal
Morello, wishing you
a great first day back at school
and a special shout-out
to my homebuddy, Chris,
who did not get his GED.
But it's not his fault.
The test wasn't in Ebonics.
- Well, well, well,
look who's still
running on CPT.
You're late. Go to
the principal's office.
- And I assume those
white kids are white on time?
- See, that's why
you failed the GED.
You said "right" wrong.
- My first day back
was off to a bad start.
So at lunch, I couldn't
wait to hang out
with the only guy I knew
was having a bad day, too.
- Hey, Chris, this
school is great.
The bathroom stalls have doors.
- Not him, him, my
best friend, Greg.
- Sorry, I can't
be seen with you.
- Huh?
- It's social suicide
for an 11th-grader
like me to be hanging out
with a 10th grader like you.
- What do you mean you
can't hang out with me?
I saw you getting pizza
with Three-Legged Jimmy.
I thought you'd
be happy I'm back.
- I am.
But what would
people say if they
saw me with Drew's brother?
- Drew's brother?
- It's what they're
calling you now.
I'm going to see if I
can buy Drew lunch.
- I'll give you my Cheetos.
- Fine.
Ugh. That stuff is crack.
- If it was good enough
for Jesus to walk on,
it's good enough
for you to sleep on.
- Julius?
- Rochelle, what
are you doing here?
- The temp agency sent me.
Did you take on a third
job behind my bad back?
- Uh, now we can double
our discount on a new bed.
- Julius, that is so
goddamn romantic.
They said to check
in with the supervisor.
- I'm the supervisor.
- Ah!
Finally have a job
I won't have to quit.
I'm going on break. Mwah!
- But you just got here.
- I didn't know how to
grade myself on my first day
back at school.
But my bully Joey Caruso did.
He came to eff me up.
- Heard about your test.
See, this is why you
guys can't be quarterbacks.
Anyway, which
side do you prefer?
Right.
- Wait, he's been acting shady
all day, expanding his crew,
selling drugs, and he's
wearing all Ralph Lauren.
- They may look
like urban preppies.
But these Ralph Lauren fans
call themselves The Low Heads.
And they're the latest
gang to terrorize the streets
of New York, joining
others like the Decepticons
and the Boys Choir of Harlem.
- That's not a gang.
That's a glee club.
- Are you in a gang?
- Uh
Yeah.
And I go by Lil' Horsey now.
- Mm mm
- Looks like Lil' Horsey
found a way to pass the test.
Neigh, neigh, mother oh! Ugh.
- Trust me, your wife
will love this pillowtop.
It's so comfortable.
- Rochelle, can I
give you some advice?
- No.
- Mm.
- Like I was saying, you really
shouldn't make this decision
without your wife because
- Sir, I can help you.
Sir, sir?
- As me and my unkicked
ass headed home,
something weighed on my mind.
- Hey, dummy.
- Back then, even
the walls hated me.
- You did the right
thing for an idiot.
- Car fumes must
be getting to me.
- "Car fumes must
be getting to me."
Why are you
being a little bitch?
- I can't fake being in a gang.
It'll get me in trouble
with a real gang.
I should have stayed raggedy.
- No one will ever find out.
Besides, right now,
you got bigger problems.
- Tonya.
- Hee-hee-hee.
- Poor Chris.
If you don't have the looks,
you got at least be smart.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, hey, Chris, I'm
not talking about you.
I'm talking about another
Chris who failed the GED.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, don't apologize to me.
I'ma pray for you, baby.
- Chris, I better
not miss my chance
to learn dance techniques
developed by my all-time
favorite artist.
- What do you like about
El DeBarge so much?
- He's a generational
talent being held back
by his no-talent siblings.
Just like me.
♪
- You're El DeDead.
- Back at school, faking gang
status upped my real status.
People who used
to call me the N-word
now called me the
well-dressed N-word.
Even Thurman was scared.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- Y-you need a pass?
- This is my pass, homey.
- That wasn't a gang sign.
It was sign language
for "butterfly."
- Come back with the Mrs.
She wouldn't want to miss this.
- Can I speak with you?
- Yes, supervisor?
You want to test
out this product?
- Rochelle, you're
literally sleeping on the job.
- I'm not.
But if I was, what better
advertisement than me
sleeping on a mattress?
You want me wide
awake on a mattress?
I know what I'm doing.
- Based on what?
- The hundreds of jobs I've had.
Wives are the real
decision makers.
When clueless husbands make
purchases like this all alone,
their wives return them.
And the store loses money.
- Look, a sale is a sale.
Who knows if those
guys will come back.
- I'm back.
- You know what?
- Uh-oh.
- I don't need this.
No, no, don't say it.
- My man has three jobs.
- And you barely
have one, Kevin.
- Dude, your rep at the
school has never been higher.
- Oh, so now you're willing to
be seen with Drew's brother?
- Yeah, you have status.
And I want to get in there.
Why are they fighting?
- They wanted to join my gang.
I said they had to
jump themselves in.
- Wow, I haven't had sex.
But I know this
is better than that.
- Little Horsey,
report to my office.
I'm hearing some
rumors about you.
I can't say I'm surprised
that you answered
the call of the streets.
But I want you to
know I understand
that gang life is the only way
you can feed all your babies.
- I don't have babies.
And I'm not really in a gang.
- Chris, we have
a zero tolerance
policy for this kind of thing.
But good news.
The district created a
new program called GRIP.
- Gang Resistance Is 'Portant?
- Yes, so 'portant.
And I want to help you
get a grip on your life.
All right, so what is it,
some kind of extra class?
- That's where we're
in kind of a pickle.
Excuse me, a fried okra.
The district doesn't have
money for the actual program.
But we have T-shirts.
- So I'm off the hook?
- No, you're expelled.
Do you want some
onesies for all your babies?
- If my mom found
out I got expelled,
she would knock
me into Claymation.
So I decided to
fake going to school.
After my parents left the
next day, I snuck back in.
♪
Tonya!
What are you doing here?
- I leave two hours
after you, fool.
- That's because she
went to the local school,
Lamont Sanford Junior High.
- Wait a second,
are you cutting class?
- Yeah.
- But you're not
cool enough to cut.
You got suspended.
But then why is there
fear in your eyes?
You got expelled.
- Fine, yes.
Don't snitch on me, OK, please?
- OK, if you let
me hold 10 bucks.
After school was
over, I'd have to sneak
back out to walk back in.
Lucky for me, my dad had
a king-sized level of guilt.
- I got a new mattress.
- That's nice.
Too bad you'll be on the couch.
- Look, I shouldn't
have doubted you.
And I'm really sorry.
- OK, well, I forgive you.
- What?
- I lied.
I did fall asleep on the job.
- Rochelle!
- I know.
I don't have your
stamina to deal with so
much foolishness at work.
Baby, it's amazing what
you do for this family.
And I really want
to say that I'm
- Rochelle, it's OK.
- I'm
- Rochelle, it's OK.
- No, I'm going to do it.
- No, you don't have to.
- I'm
- Look, I'm not
even mad anymore.
- I'm
- See, I'm smiling.
I'm smiling.
- I'm sorry.
- Wow, you didn't
throw up this time.
- I was relieved my plan worked.
Sure, I'd have to
pull this off every day
until I convince my folks to
let me take the GED again.
But for now, things were good.
Chris got expelled.
- Really, Chris?
- Really, Tonya?
- That's for El DeBarge.
- Expelled?
What did you do?
- He joined a gang.
- Drew!
- A gang?
- What in the
- I was faking it. OK?
- That could get you
in a lot of trouble, son.
- Now, why would you
do something so dumb?
- Because maybe
I'm dumb, all right?
That's what the
test said, didn't it?
I'm just tired of getting
beat up every day.
I needed a fresh start.
It's bad enough I have
to be back at school at all.
- You brought this on yourself.
Missing so much class
- Which wasn't my fault.
Thurman sent me to
the principal's office
for no reason all the time.
I missed tests.
That's why I dropped out.
- Wait, what?
Baby, I had no idea.
Why didn't you tell us?
- I tried to handle it myself.
Guess I was too
dumb to do that too.
- It's always
something with him.
- Our son is not dumb.
Maybe your machine is dumb.
- Look, I ran the
test again and
wait, there's an error code.
- A what?
- Seems like he used a number
3 pencil instead of a number 2.
The machine
couldn't read his test.
- A number 3 pencil?
Where did he even get that?
Oh, no.
Doc, these are marked 50% off.
I also have a double
coupon and a rebate.
- Negative $1.53.
Hmm, I think I have to pay you.
- This is the greatest
day of my life.
- Oh happy day ♪
- Chris, this is why I say
don't touch my things.
- I was in a rush.
I just grabbed one
out of your drawer.
Wait, does this
mean I didn't fail?
- Hi, um, can you
manually regrade his test?
- No, we have a policy.
I can't give your son
special treatment.
- Because that's what's
wrong with the world,
Black kids getting all
that special treatment.
- Julius, get the truck.
- Well, first of all,
let me say it must
be so hard to be a single mom.
- My husband is right here.
- But I'm sorry.
Any form of gang
activity violates our rules.
- He was lying about
being in a gang.
And I guess I was just
wondering why he had to do
that to feel safe at school.
But that's probably for
the attorneys to figure out.
Attorneys?
- Yeah, some big
law firm said they
would take this on pro bono.
Am I saying that right?
- Maybe I was a little
hasty about expelling Chris.
- Yeah, and having
him repeat the 10th
grade because a teacher
was harassing him.
Oh, I forgot to tell
our attorneys that part.
- We can move Chris
to the 11th grade.
- Thank you.
Besides, my son couldn't
really be in a gang.
This boy still has a
"Snorks" night-light.
- Well, it helped me stop
wetting the bed, didn't it?
- Principal Morello, the PA.
Wait.
The entire school heard this?
- Your backpack
is on the button.
- To clarify, this
is not Black Chris.
This is white Chris.
You may know me
by my nickname, Greg.
Whew.
Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I
caused all this trouble.
- Chris, the reason
we're hard on you
is because the world is harder.
- But even if you fail a test,
I'll be damned
if you fail in life.
We've got you, no matter what.
Unless you bring
home some babies.
- What's this?
- Number 2 pencils.
I paid full price.
- So it looked like my
biggest test was going
to be surviving high school.
But maybe I'd make new
friends, meet new girls,
and have new adventures.
Maybe this was a test
I could actually pass.
- Hey, that's
Boo-Boo's windbreaker.
- He's wearing our dead
homey's windbreaker.
- Get him.
- Uh oh, pop quiz.
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
- Chirp.
- MTV ♪