Finders Keepers (2024) s01e01 Episode Script
Part One
1
SOFT THUD
THUD
Da da da Da da da
da da da da da da da
Da da da Da da da da
da da da da da da. ♪
If that's one of my clean tea
towels, you're a dead man.
I asked Ashley to carve.
Butcher, more like.
Right, last roastie,
Ashley, still needs a home.
Go on, then. They're beautiful,
Anne. I don't know how you do it.
Oh, it's all in the variety.
Most people use Maris Piper,
but Martin swears by
Arran Victory, don't you?
Well, no offence, Martin, but anyone
can chuck a spud in the ground.
Now, to be able to cook like
this, that's a true art form.
Oh!
All I'm saying is that
there's a problem.
I mean, Martin, how much did you pay
for this place? A couple of groats
and a bushel a week. Ashley!
Well, it's a legitimate
question. Look at him,
he's trying to work out
the groat exchange rate.
We paid £62,500 in 1985, which,
adjusted for inflation
How much is it worth?
Oh, God knows.
332,000, approximately. But
in real terms, that means
Exactly.
The fact is, the next
generation have been -
and pardon my French
- totally effed.
I mean, you boomers sit on your
treasure like Smaug the dragon,
while your hobbit kids
are starving to death.
Didn't you get the
last roast potato?
Yeah, yeah,
and I'm pretty sure Martin and
I are officially Gen-X. Right.
Shall I get the pudding? Mm.
I was only joking
then. Mm. Mm.
So, Mum and I are going to
the Grange next Saturday.
We're gonna do the tasting menu,
and then they'll run
through the wedding package.
Sounds expensive.
Over a thousand groats.
You'd better start saving.
Ha-ha! Actually,
we thought the two of you could
spend the day together as well.
You're always promising
to take Ashley detecting,
so there you go. Oh, I'm
sure he's got other plans.
Er Er
Er, no, no, not at all.
No, it sounds great.
Yeah. Count me in.
Lovely.
Great.
Next Saturday. Yeah.
Great.
He'll hate it. Ashley's
a nice enough lad.
Kind of, when you
get to know him.
You've never given him a chance!
I'm letting him marry my daughter.
All the more reason to make
him feel part of the family.
Anyway, it'd be nice to have
another bloke about the house again.
He might become an
instant convert,
then you won't have to
always go out on your own.
I like going out on my own.
It's boring! You've
never tried it.
Because it's boring.
It's the same reason I've
never tried incest.
You think incest would be boring?
No, I think it'd be wrong.
But I don't need
to try it to know.
Yeah. To be fair, your
sister is quite boring.
She is fit, though.
You are going
detecting with my dad,
and you are both going
to have a fun time
and do lots of male
bonding together.
You might even learn something.
Right.
Nice, thank you.
So, where in Thailand
exactly is he?
I don't know, near Bangkok.
Anyway, he's busy
drumming up business.
And you've really no
idea when he'll be back?
You know Jack.
OK, well, I have done my
best with these accounts,
but we're still at
some loose ends.
If I get this job
When you get it. Positive
thinking, please.
When I get this job
I'll have to hand things
over to your new accountant,
so things really need to add up,
and we are still nearly 90,000 out.
I'll call him again.
'This is Jack Parker. Leave
us a message, if you must.'
Hi. It's me, again.
You really need to call me.
Please, Jack.
Just call me.
So how did you get
into it all, then?
The old, er, treasure
hunting, I mean.
Detecting, not treasure hunting.
It's about uncovering history.
Right, but in theory,
some of the history
that you uncover,
it might be made of gold
or silver or jewels.
I suppose so.
Hm. So, technically
speaking, treasure.
We go da da da da da Da
da da da da da da da. ♪
Where are you gonna be?
Er, top field by the
drainage channel.
The usual place.
You wanna keep your eyes open.
Had some coursers
there last week.
Fair's in Minehead, too.
You see anything, you
let my keeper know, OK?
No problem.
How's my sister? Busy
with wedding plans.
Laura and Ashley here.
Big day next year.
Like I say, keep your eyes open.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
OK. If you grab the
detector and the shovel
If he's your brother in law,
why do you even have
to ask for permission?
I mean, who gives a shit
what you do out here?
Every genuine detectorist needs
the landowner's permission,
or you're just a nighthawk.
Nighthawk?
Yeah. It's what they
call illegal detectorists
working under cover of darkness.
Yeah, I wanna be a nighthawk.
Vroom! Vroom!
BEEPS Ah, shit!
That's loud. Yeah.
You see, the convergence
of geographical features
suggests this is a likely site
for a major Saxon settlement,
which is why I've been working
this area for six years.
Sorry, what, six
years? Just here?
SIGHS
You have to be methodical.
Hm. So, what have
you found so far?
Nothing of
significance. Nothing?!
Of significance.
OK. This is it.
Here. Give me the, er Yeah.
And the headphones.
Let's go.
ASHLEY YAWNS
BEEPING
What?
Shovel, please.
What do you think it is?
CONTINUOUS BEEPING
Oh, wow!
What do you reckon? Is that
Saxon Coke, or maybe late Roman?
You're keeping it? I
recycle everything I find.
Thank you.
Can we just go home?
OCCASIONAL BEEP
SEVERAL BEEPS
Oh, we're in again.
Wonder what it could be.
Stone Age Pepsi, or
maybe something
really rare, like
Greek Fanta or Dr Pepper from
..somewhere.
HE PANTS
Fuck me!
BEEPING
BEEPING CONTINUES
BEEPING INTENSIFIES
SILENCE
BEEPING
BEEPING
BEEPING
BEEPING
EXHALES
I think that's it.
Don't touch that.
Back of the car, bags for life,
in the boot, right-hand side.
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket. ♪
Look!
We can arrive at the chapel
in an authentic Victorian gig
for an additional cost of
..£750.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
allergic to horses, love.
Really? Since when? Since
they cost £750 an hour.
Oh, unless we get to keep one.
No, I don't think so.
Thank you.
Tuesday seems very short notice.
Actually, the firm sent out
the date a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, you didn't tell
me. Does Dad know?
Mm-hm. He thinks
it's a good idea.
It's a great opportunity,
and if Ash and I are ever
gonna buy somewhere,
I need something like this.
Well, you're a grown woman.
Don't need my permission
to move to Bristol, do you?
Cheers.
I still don't get
what it's doing here,
all this stuff just buried.
It's what we call a hoard.
Almost certainly Anglo-Saxon.
Why stick all your treasure
in a hole in the ground?
Well, that's simple - security.
No banks in those days.
Right, so we're the first
people to see this stuff
in, like five hundred years?
More like a thousand,
and then some.
Alfred's war with Guthrum
peaked in about 878 AD, so
Turn around!
You're aware this
is private land?
O-Of course. A-Absolutely.
We're here with
permission from Nick.
I have it here. Erm
We're metal detecting.
Yeah, I'm, um, married
to his sister, so
Ah.
There we are.
OK.
We've had problems down here.
Coursers, right? Fuckers!
Leave our hares alone.
How'd you find it?
I-I'm sorry - find what?
The Yeti. I'm looking
at one in Langport.
03 plate. You like it?
It's good. No problem. It's
been, um, very reliable.
Why pay for a badge, eh?
You said it.
OK. Thanks, lads.
Let's get out of here.
Give us the Antiques Roadshow
bit. How much is it worth?
MARTIN SIGHS
It's hard to say.
You're the expert. Try.
I suppose if we confirm
it's a genuine Saxon hoard,
based on previous prices,
we could be looking at
..half a million.
Oh, get in! A quarter
of a million each? Bosh!
It's not that simple.
I know that Laura's got the maths
degree, but I think I'm right.
No, I-I mean, we can't just keep
it. It's officially treasure trove.
And what's that?
MARTIN SIGHS
Anyone who discovers previously
buried precious metals
has to surrender
it to the Crown.
They value it and then
allocate an appropriate reward.
And of course, as
landowner, Nick gets half.
The farmer? He gets
half for doing nothing?
And what's the Crown
got to do with it?
Right, Charlie doesn't
need any more gold.
Believe me, I've seen his coach.
I'm sorry, but that's the
law. No. Finders keepers.
That's the law.
No You're missing
the big picture.
This is an important
historical find.
It could totally change
our understanding
of Saxon society in the area.
If we're lucky, we might see
some money in a year or two,
but the rules are clear.
We don't own this.
It's Crown property, which means
all rewards are discretionary.
So you're telling me that
even though we found it,
it'll take two years before
we see a penny, and even then,
we might get nothing?
Unlikely, but
possible, in theory.
Anyway, it doesn't
make any difference.
We have to declare it.
Oh, yeah?
Why didn't you tell that
keeper? Why'd you hide it?
W I
He-He-He just
took me by surprise.
We should get back.
Hey, look, do me a favour.
Let's just keep this
between ourselves for now,
and let me do a bit of thinking.
Come on, Martin! Hurry up.
I'm starving. Er
Sorry, love. I'm
just-just coming.
Oh. There you go.
Thanks.
Oh!
Hm.
It really is a lovely place.
I can see why she's
set her heart on it.
Did they mention a price?
6,000. That's for
the basic package.
OK.
Is that OK,
fine, go ahead or OK
It's OK. I'll think about it.
Tomatoes have been really good
this year, don't you think?
So, how did it go
with Ashley, then?
Did he enjoy himself?
Actually, I think he got
quite a lot out of it.
See!
I know you had your doubts,
but I reckon deep down he
just wants to impress you.
God knows why.
So, did you find much?
Not a thing.
Apart from the fact that he's not
been in touch for a month or so,
you've got no evidence
of an actual crime.
Not strictly speaking, no,
but it's been three months.
Well, actually, it's 14 weeks.
Well, what about his family?
His missus worried? He's
single. Never been married.
Well, right now, there's
not a lot we can do.
He's an adult. He's
got all his marbles.
If you don't hear from
him in a month or so,
maybe we could make
some inquiries.
Right. Knocking-off time.
The Plough's calling.
Nick. We, er We
might have a problem
Be about, er, five minutes.
There's one for everybody.
The track was named after
the man who discovered it,
Mr Raymond Sweet.
The Sweet Track.
It's thought to date back to, well,
somewhere between 3800 and 4000 BC,
which you all know was
the late Neolithic period.
The original tracks went
across the marshland
from Shapwick here all
the way to Westhay,
which allowed our
Neolithic friends
to visit their in-laws without
getting their feet wet.
So, Josh has had a
really good week.
Absolutely loved the trip at
the Oval town, didn't you, Josh?
No. All those planes.
Wow.
I'll let him tell
you all about it. Oh!
Hello, sweetie.
Oh.
Right.
Oh.
CHATTERING
I know, Pilates.
Just give me 15 seconds.
Sorry.
I just wanted to say thank you.
That was absolutely fascinating.
Hm. I'm Sam. Sam Barnes.
I'm Martin Stone.
Yes, I know. Oh!
Did you get, erm
one of the No.
Thank you. Yeah.
So, you really believe that the
walkway was totally pre-fabricated?
Absolutely. Couldn't
be any other way.
And your evidence for that is?
The uniformity of the wood used.
All the pegs, same diameter.
It was clearly manufactured
off-site, just like we'd do today.
I'm a toolmaker. Oh!
Yeah, I know precision
when I see it.
Don't underestimate
the little people.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Sorry, I should have
introduced myself properly.
I've just taken over as curator
at the Wessex Life Museum.
Oh! Um I was wondering whether
you'd consider doing your talk
for some of our school parties.
I'm sure they'd love it.
Old-fashioned, I know, sorry,
but it's got my
email on it, though.
No, that-that's great.
I'd be honoured. I'd love to.
Thank you.
Thank you. Happiness.
SHE CHUCKLES
Listen, I think we'd better go.
Apparently, she's a
black belt. Oh, OK.
CHUCKLES
Cassandra.
It is a classy venue.
Pricey, mind, but your sister
has got her heart set on it.
Oh, you got a badge?
Very smart.
Your dad'd like that.
He's at one of his talks,
otherwise he'd be
here, too. Obviously.
Oh, what is going on there?
Oh!
What?
Oh!
Oh, Josh!
God!
Flipping heck!
My son's room should
be clean, not a pigsty.
I totally agree. I don't
know how that's happened,
but I'll speak to
the domestic staff.
Well, please do. Now,
I'm gonna need a hoover,
some disinfectant, cloths,
whatever you've got.
Finally!
Where have you been?
I had a lecture.
Historical Society.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Where is it?
Oh, it cleans up nice, don't it?
What did Anne say
when you told her?
I bet she was impressed.
You did tell her? Not yet.
She's not really interested
in this kind of thing.
Right. Sure, yeah, who
cares about boring old gold?
Look, I spoke to a mate of
mine - nothing specific,
just a-a what if -
and Rocky reckons he'd be able
to sell it for us privately.
What do you think?
I think it's ridiculous,
and illegal, obviously.
We found it.
Not The Crown or
fucking Farmer Giles.
Us, you and me.
Strictly speaking, I found
it. You were just there.
Don't start that.
Right? We were working together.
I was your official spade man.
Half a million, though.
Or maybe more.
Imagine that.
I mean, when was the last time
either of us got a real break?
The last 30 years, the world's
been screwing us up the arse.
Longer and harder, in your case.
And buried fucking
treasure lands in our laps
and you wanna give
it away? It's nuts!
Now, I looked it up.
We could get less than a hundred
K each if we do it your way.
That's if they agree the price.
They could fuck us both over, and
there'd be nothing we could do.
Fail to declare this and
we both go to prison.
Rocky knows people.
He'll take care of it.
All we've gotta do
is give him the nod.
How exactly does he know people?
He did a bit of time,
but that was ages ago.
It was ancient history, but
he's still got the connections.
We report this find.
All I'm saying is sleep on it.
See how you feel. You
know, give it 24 hours.
If you still feel the
same, we'll declare it.
So, you actually
cleaned it yourself?
Well, it was disgusting. I
mean, you should've seen it.
Well, you would've seen it
if you'd actually been there.
I had my talk. I thought
it was a decent place.
You don't have to get down
on your hands and knees
and scrub in a decent place.
Look, I just want
him to come home.
So why don't we?
What are you
talking about? Josh.
What if he came back
here to live with us?
The business is doing OK.
I've been putting a bit away.
We could hire a carer to help.
Maybe that tattoo girl
you like. Oh, Phoenix?
Yeah, she could probably
use a bit extra.
All I'm saying is
it's a possibility.
Really?
Oh, I want him to
come home so much.
You're a good man.
You're a good dad.
Thank you.
TV: Today we've come to
one of the Peak District's
most popular auctions,
and there's some money to be made
if you play your cards right.
It's a full house for this sale.
Thousands of blocks, with
many bargains to be had,
and it's standing room
only for the latecomers.
And the bidding
has really started.
See? I told you we'd be early.
Hm. RINGING
Ashley Taylor?
Ashley. It's Martin.
SIGHS
What we discussed
I've been thinking
Oh, you all right, Martin?
Yeah, I'm just taking
Laura to her interview.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Um, anyway, that
friend of yours.
Yes, so you're on
the old hands-free.
Rocky?
Yeah, you're on speakerphone,
Martin. Hi, Dad.
Oh, right. Yes. Er hi.
Well, I'll call you back.
It's nothing important.
And, um
Well, good luck.
Yeah. Sorry.
TV: So, what about
the red team's choice?
What do you think he wants?
Oh, we were talking about doing
another metal detecting day.
He probably just wanted
to firm up some dates.
See? I told you to
give it a chance.
What can I say? You were
right, and I was wrong.
CLEARS HER THROA
SHE EXHALES
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna smash this, right?
Right.
OK. Go on.
Martin?
Hi.
You got a minute? Yeah.
Keeper tells me he saw you
and Laura's lad the other day.
Ashley.
Ashley. Right.
Anyway, so
we've had issues with
some arseholes down there.
Coursers. You-You told me.
Anyway, long story short,
if Adam's on his own,
he takes his gun with
him for security.
OK. Yeah.
All I'm saying is he still
shouldn't be pointing it at people,
especially when they've
had written permission.
Now, I know you've been
in to see the police,
but Adam needs a shotgun licence
to do his job, so any trouble
could cause us a real problem.
Nick, look
This isn't common knowledge,
but Jack hasn't been in
contact for quite a while now.
I was worried. I just wanted
to get the ball rolling.
Oh, right, OK.
What did they say?
Oh, that he's an adult and he
can make his own decisions.
That was it. Nothing
to do with, er, Adam.
OK. Thanks.
That'll set his mind at rest.
So, you didn't find
anything, then?
No buried treasure?
Afraid not.
Never mind.
One day, you'll
make me a rich man.
Here's hoping.
Nah, we're OK, in the clear.
He would've come straight
out with it. Definitely.
Nick's no fool. People
underestimate him.
And if we're gonna do this,
we can't take any chances.
So what's the plan?
We need to go and find
some more treasure.
And you think
they're Anglo-Saxon?
Definitely. You see that script?
Ethelred the II?
That-That's Ethelred
the Unready.
He was carved up by the
Vikings back in 997 AD,
Martin? Exactly.
When you left earlier, I suddenly
remembered I hadn't told you.
Senior moment.
Any value to them?
Not much. Probably why it
slipped my mind. About £20 each.
That's it? Two rusty coins?
No, this is an exciting find
from a historical point of view.
Isn't it?
Ashley?
Amazing. Significant.
I'll let you know if
there's any reward.
Whatever keeps you
lads out of trouble.
Shall we?
Yeah.
Beautiful, and sneaky.
Who'd have thought it, eh?
You and me, partners in crime.
FOOTSTEPS
I'm doing this for
Laura and Josh.
It's a one-off.
Which is why you need to listen
to me and do exactly as I say,
or any deals are off.
Understand?
All right. Message
received. You're the boss.
Oh, here he comes.
Martin, this is Rocky.
Rocky, Martin. All right?
Do you wanna pint?
No, thanks. Could
you keep this brief?
I'm just a mate saying hello.
Sure, sure. Short and sweet.
I know a dealer in London.
He's seen the pictures.
We won't get market price,
but it's cash in our hands.
No more questions.
He's discreet.
Sounds perfect.
I can see him next week.
All I need are the artefacts.
All right, brilliant.
Well, they're at yours,
so we'll pop back, pick
'em up, arrange a handover.
Do you really expect me
just to give them to you?
There a problem?
What do you get out of it?
10% commission.
How do I know we'll
get our money?
I mean, what's to stop
you just taking it all?
Because
I'm a man of my word.
What do you suggest?
We go together.
We split the money
there and then.
That way there's no
possibility of, er
confusion.
I thought you said he was a mug.
He's a bit of a tit. All right?
He thinks he knows everything.
I can deal with him.
You'd better.
So you'll help me?
Hm.
Oh! Why are you
taking that old bag?
Oh, just some samples
for the meeting.
People like to get their
hands on something.
Well, if your back goes again,
you've only got yourself to blame.
All right. Sandwiches. Great.
Tea. That's me.
Bye.
All right.
See you later. See ya!
DOOR CLOSES
We're here for Gregorie.
I agree.
Anglo-Saxon.
1080
perhaps earlier.
Undoubtedly.
Those thrymsas were
first minted in 620.
I'd say we're
looking at 750s.
Much of this is commonplace.
But the brooch, some
of the jewellery
Stunning, isn't it?
What a skilled artist can do with
the most basic of tools. It
almost defies belief. Indeed.
I can offer
..200,000.
You can get your
money immediately.
It's worth at least twice
that, and you know it.
With respect, Mr
Well, that's not important.
With respect,
these artefacts are worth whatever
someone is prepared to pay.
And for me, that's 200,000.
Thank you. It's
a generous offer.
I believe so.
But I don't think
your friend agrees.
How about 250?
Thousand? Obviously.
On the open market, this would
fetch three quarters of a million.
Hang on, you said
500 grand. Shush.
As I said, thank
you for the offer.
We were hoping for
a little bit more.
That I can see.
It's a wonderful
find, gentleman.
However
it is not for me at this time.
Good luck with finding a buyer.
225, final offer.
Oh!
Wow! That is wonderful.
Congratulations.
When do you start?
A couple of months.
Gives us enough time that we
can find a place up there.
But I'll back all
the time to see Josh.
Well, we should celebrate
properly, shouldn't we?
Is Ashley coming over?
No, he's in London
on some work thing.
Really? Go Like
Dad? Oh, silly buggers.
They should have gone together.
For fuck's sake!
What was that? We had a deal.
He was trying to rip us off!
200,000 in our hands today.
It's worth more to us if
we declare it legally.
Yeah, in two years! I
need that money now.
I will not be made a fool of.
What? Well, it's a
bit late for that!
He was laughing at us.
Didn't you see that?
Not now. You stupid
old pig-headed
I said..
Not now.
So, er, what are you gonna
have for your dinner?
I ain't sure. Missus got this
thing about Italian food.
Yeah? Yeah.
Always pasta, or
I dunno, mate.
I can't do too many carbs,
to be honest with you.
I'm going for lamb chops.
Lamb chops? I'm
gonna marinade 'em.
So, you slice the lamb once
you've taken them off the chops.
Yeah, it's chickpeas,
apricots, pine nuts,
rice and chicken stock.
And then you put it in a tagine,
which is this kind of clay pot.
What's brought all this
on? All this cooking
when you're the chef business,
what's all that about?
Well, I don't know. I mean, you
know, I saw that tagine pot,
and I thought, "I think
I've found my kind of"
Your calling. My
calling, in
Well, I, er I think
we should celebrate.
You know, give a proper
welcome to the new boss. Right?
Wagner's opens in ten minutes.
It's got a wine list, too.
Do either of you know why I
was brought into this unit?
Because you asked
someone nicely?
Or PTSD. Is it PTSD?
They're shutting you down,
because, and I quote,
"They're all lazy,
useless bastards
"who haven't even got the stones
"to form an offensive
WhatsApp group."
Bill? Shall we get to work?
COUGHS
Look, Rocky, I'm sorry
You told me you had
him under control.
Right now he has
fucked this deal.
Gregorie will tell the other
dealers to avoid us like the plague.
Well, it's like I
said We made a deal.
I want my money.
It's up to you how you get it.
Ah!
Hiya! Hi.
How'd it go? Great.
Really successful trip.
So, I managed to get some
quotes for Josh's room.
Oh, right.
Um, I'm a bit tired. Can
I look at them tomorrow?
Oh, well, I've popped them
on the dining room table.
I know, I just thought I'd put this
stuff away and go straight to bed.
Gregorie Lechamp,
well-known for receiving.
Oh, it's in the Middle East.
Did some deals with ISIS.
Tough negotiators, ma'am.
Very much take it or leave it.
Have we anything concrete?
Honestly, no. There's an
ongoing surveillance operation.
Which I think is
a waste of time.
Yeah, because it was my idea.
There's a lot of insubordination
in the ranks here, Sarge.
Should I say rank? Yeah.
Right. I-I'll review
it. Anything else?
Those happy snaps.
So, who do we think this is?
We had a deal,
remember, with Rocky?
Right, he's expecting to be
paid, and he doesn't slap wrists.
Nasty piece of
work, but art crime?
You do know you're
in Bridgwater?
I swear, I didn't know
anything about it.
OK, why would I report
you to the police?
I might as well turn
myself in. What about him?
You told me you had
him under control.
So, how much do you owe?
About 40,000.
You spent our wedding
money. 'What about Rocky?'
I'll deal with him from now on.
I'm sure he'll see reason
when we explain the situation.
GROANS
Listen to me, you f
No-one dies a hero
When the grave no favour gives
Everyone's a loser
When there's
nothing Left to win. ♪
SOFT THUD
THUD
Da da da Da da da
da da da da da da da
Da da da Da da da da
da da da da da da. ♪
If that's one of my clean tea
towels, you're a dead man.
I asked Ashley to carve.
Butcher, more like.
Right, last roastie,
Ashley, still needs a home.
Go on, then. They're beautiful,
Anne. I don't know how you do it.
Oh, it's all in the variety.
Most people use Maris Piper,
but Martin swears by
Arran Victory, don't you?
Well, no offence, Martin, but anyone
can chuck a spud in the ground.
Now, to be able to cook like
this, that's a true art form.
Oh!
All I'm saying is that
there's a problem.
I mean, Martin, how much did you pay
for this place? A couple of groats
and a bushel a week. Ashley!
Well, it's a legitimate
question. Look at him,
he's trying to work out
the groat exchange rate.
We paid £62,500 in 1985, which,
adjusted for inflation
How much is it worth?
Oh, God knows.
332,000, approximately. But
in real terms, that means
Exactly.
The fact is, the next
generation have been -
and pardon my French
- totally effed.
I mean, you boomers sit on your
treasure like Smaug the dragon,
while your hobbit kids
are starving to death.
Didn't you get the
last roast potato?
Yeah, yeah,
and I'm pretty sure Martin and
I are officially Gen-X. Right.
Shall I get the pudding? Mm.
I was only joking
then. Mm. Mm.
So, Mum and I are going to
the Grange next Saturday.
We're gonna do the tasting menu,
and then they'll run
through the wedding package.
Sounds expensive.
Over a thousand groats.
You'd better start saving.
Ha-ha! Actually,
we thought the two of you could
spend the day together as well.
You're always promising
to take Ashley detecting,
so there you go. Oh, I'm
sure he's got other plans.
Er Er
Er, no, no, not at all.
No, it sounds great.
Yeah. Count me in.
Lovely.
Great.
Next Saturday. Yeah.
Great.
He'll hate it. Ashley's
a nice enough lad.
Kind of, when you
get to know him.
You've never given him a chance!
I'm letting him marry my daughter.
All the more reason to make
him feel part of the family.
Anyway, it'd be nice to have
another bloke about the house again.
He might become an
instant convert,
then you won't have to
always go out on your own.
I like going out on my own.
It's boring! You've
never tried it.
Because it's boring.
It's the same reason I've
never tried incest.
You think incest would be boring?
No, I think it'd be wrong.
But I don't need
to try it to know.
Yeah. To be fair, your
sister is quite boring.
She is fit, though.
You are going
detecting with my dad,
and you are both going
to have a fun time
and do lots of male
bonding together.
You might even learn something.
Right.
Nice, thank you.
So, where in Thailand
exactly is he?
I don't know, near Bangkok.
Anyway, he's busy
drumming up business.
And you've really no
idea when he'll be back?
You know Jack.
OK, well, I have done my
best with these accounts,
but we're still at
some loose ends.
If I get this job
When you get it. Positive
thinking, please.
When I get this job
I'll have to hand things
over to your new accountant,
so things really need to add up,
and we are still nearly 90,000 out.
I'll call him again.
'This is Jack Parker. Leave
us a message, if you must.'
Hi. It's me, again.
You really need to call me.
Please, Jack.
Just call me.
So how did you get
into it all, then?
The old, er, treasure
hunting, I mean.
Detecting, not treasure hunting.
It's about uncovering history.
Right, but in theory,
some of the history
that you uncover,
it might be made of gold
or silver or jewels.
I suppose so.
Hm. So, technically
speaking, treasure.
We go da da da da da Da
da da da da da da da. ♪
Where are you gonna be?
Er, top field by the
drainage channel.
The usual place.
You wanna keep your eyes open.
Had some coursers
there last week.
Fair's in Minehead, too.
You see anything, you
let my keeper know, OK?
No problem.
How's my sister? Busy
with wedding plans.
Laura and Ashley here.
Big day next year.
Like I say, keep your eyes open.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
OK. If you grab the
detector and the shovel
If he's your brother in law,
why do you even have
to ask for permission?
I mean, who gives a shit
what you do out here?
Every genuine detectorist needs
the landowner's permission,
or you're just a nighthawk.
Nighthawk?
Yeah. It's what they
call illegal detectorists
working under cover of darkness.
Yeah, I wanna be a nighthawk.
Vroom! Vroom!
BEEPS Ah, shit!
That's loud. Yeah.
You see, the convergence
of geographical features
suggests this is a likely site
for a major Saxon settlement,
which is why I've been working
this area for six years.
Sorry, what, six
years? Just here?
SIGHS
You have to be methodical.
Hm. So, what have
you found so far?
Nothing of
significance. Nothing?!
Of significance.
OK. This is it.
Here. Give me the, er Yeah.
And the headphones.
Let's go.
ASHLEY YAWNS
BEEPING
What?
Shovel, please.
What do you think it is?
CONTINUOUS BEEPING
Oh, wow!
What do you reckon? Is that
Saxon Coke, or maybe late Roman?
You're keeping it? I
recycle everything I find.
Thank you.
Can we just go home?
OCCASIONAL BEEP
SEVERAL BEEPS
Oh, we're in again.
Wonder what it could be.
Stone Age Pepsi, or
maybe something
really rare, like
Greek Fanta or Dr Pepper from
..somewhere.
HE PANTS
Fuck me!
BEEPING
BEEPING CONTINUES
BEEPING INTENSIFIES
SILENCE
BEEPING
BEEPING
BEEPING
BEEPING
EXHALES
I think that's it.
Don't touch that.
Back of the car, bags for life,
in the boot, right-hand side.
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket
Put it in my pocket. ♪
Look!
We can arrive at the chapel
in an authentic Victorian gig
for an additional cost of
..£750.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
allergic to horses, love.
Really? Since when? Since
they cost £750 an hour.
Oh, unless we get to keep one.
No, I don't think so.
Thank you.
Tuesday seems very short notice.
Actually, the firm sent out
the date a couple of weeks ago.
Oh, you didn't tell
me. Does Dad know?
Mm-hm. He thinks
it's a good idea.
It's a great opportunity,
and if Ash and I are ever
gonna buy somewhere,
I need something like this.
Well, you're a grown woman.
Don't need my permission
to move to Bristol, do you?
Cheers.
I still don't get
what it's doing here,
all this stuff just buried.
It's what we call a hoard.
Almost certainly Anglo-Saxon.
Why stick all your treasure
in a hole in the ground?
Well, that's simple - security.
No banks in those days.
Right, so we're the first
people to see this stuff
in, like five hundred years?
More like a thousand,
and then some.
Alfred's war with Guthrum
peaked in about 878 AD, so
Turn around!
You're aware this
is private land?
O-Of course. A-Absolutely.
We're here with
permission from Nick.
I have it here. Erm
We're metal detecting.
Yeah, I'm, um, married
to his sister, so
Ah.
There we are.
OK.
We've had problems down here.
Coursers, right? Fuckers!
Leave our hares alone.
How'd you find it?
I-I'm sorry - find what?
The Yeti. I'm looking
at one in Langport.
03 plate. You like it?
It's good. No problem. It's
been, um, very reliable.
Why pay for a badge, eh?
You said it.
OK. Thanks, lads.
Let's get out of here.
Give us the Antiques Roadshow
bit. How much is it worth?
MARTIN SIGHS
It's hard to say.
You're the expert. Try.
I suppose if we confirm
it's a genuine Saxon hoard,
based on previous prices,
we could be looking at
..half a million.
Oh, get in! A quarter
of a million each? Bosh!
It's not that simple.
I know that Laura's got the maths
degree, but I think I'm right.
No, I-I mean, we can't just keep
it. It's officially treasure trove.
And what's that?
MARTIN SIGHS
Anyone who discovers previously
buried precious metals
has to surrender
it to the Crown.
They value it and then
allocate an appropriate reward.
And of course, as
landowner, Nick gets half.
The farmer? He gets
half for doing nothing?
And what's the Crown
got to do with it?
Right, Charlie doesn't
need any more gold.
Believe me, I've seen his coach.
I'm sorry, but that's the
law. No. Finders keepers.
That's the law.
No You're missing
the big picture.
This is an important
historical find.
It could totally change
our understanding
of Saxon society in the area.
If we're lucky, we might see
some money in a year or two,
but the rules are clear.
We don't own this.
It's Crown property, which means
all rewards are discretionary.
So you're telling me that
even though we found it,
it'll take two years before
we see a penny, and even then,
we might get nothing?
Unlikely, but
possible, in theory.
Anyway, it doesn't
make any difference.
We have to declare it.
Oh, yeah?
Why didn't you tell that
keeper? Why'd you hide it?
W I
He-He-He just
took me by surprise.
We should get back.
Hey, look, do me a favour.
Let's just keep this
between ourselves for now,
and let me do a bit of thinking.
Come on, Martin! Hurry up.
I'm starving. Er
Sorry, love. I'm
just-just coming.
Oh. There you go.
Thanks.
Oh!
Hm.
It really is a lovely place.
I can see why she's
set her heart on it.
Did they mention a price?
6,000. That's for
the basic package.
OK.
Is that OK,
fine, go ahead or OK
It's OK. I'll think about it.
Tomatoes have been really good
this year, don't you think?
So, how did it go
with Ashley, then?
Did he enjoy himself?
Actually, I think he got
quite a lot out of it.
See!
I know you had your doubts,
but I reckon deep down he
just wants to impress you.
God knows why.
So, did you find much?
Not a thing.
Apart from the fact that he's not
been in touch for a month or so,
you've got no evidence
of an actual crime.
Not strictly speaking, no,
but it's been three months.
Well, actually, it's 14 weeks.
Well, what about his family?
His missus worried? He's
single. Never been married.
Well, right now, there's
not a lot we can do.
He's an adult. He's
got all his marbles.
If you don't hear from
him in a month or so,
maybe we could make
some inquiries.
Right. Knocking-off time.
The Plough's calling.
Nick. We, er We
might have a problem
Be about, er, five minutes.
There's one for everybody.
The track was named after
the man who discovered it,
Mr Raymond Sweet.
The Sweet Track.
It's thought to date back to, well,
somewhere between 3800 and 4000 BC,
which you all know was
the late Neolithic period.
The original tracks went
across the marshland
from Shapwick here all
the way to Westhay,
which allowed our
Neolithic friends
to visit their in-laws without
getting their feet wet.
So, Josh has had a
really good week.
Absolutely loved the trip at
the Oval town, didn't you, Josh?
No. All those planes.
Wow.
I'll let him tell
you all about it. Oh!
Hello, sweetie.
Oh.
Right.
Oh.
CHATTERING
I know, Pilates.
Just give me 15 seconds.
Sorry.
I just wanted to say thank you.
That was absolutely fascinating.
Hm. I'm Sam. Sam Barnes.
I'm Martin Stone.
Yes, I know. Oh!
Did you get, erm
one of the No.
Thank you. Yeah.
So, you really believe that the
walkway was totally pre-fabricated?
Absolutely. Couldn't
be any other way.
And your evidence for that is?
The uniformity of the wood used.
All the pegs, same diameter.
It was clearly manufactured
off-site, just like we'd do today.
I'm a toolmaker. Oh!
Yeah, I know precision
when I see it.
Don't underestimate
the little people.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Sorry, I should have
introduced myself properly.
I've just taken over as curator
at the Wessex Life Museum.
Oh! Um I was wondering whether
you'd consider doing your talk
for some of our school parties.
I'm sure they'd love it.
Old-fashioned, I know, sorry,
but it's got my
email on it, though.
No, that-that's great.
I'd be honoured. I'd love to.
Thank you.
Thank you. Happiness.
SHE CHUCKLES
Listen, I think we'd better go.
Apparently, she's a
black belt. Oh, OK.
CHUCKLES
Cassandra.
It is a classy venue.
Pricey, mind, but your sister
has got her heart set on it.
Oh, you got a badge?
Very smart.
Your dad'd like that.
He's at one of his talks,
otherwise he'd be
here, too. Obviously.
Oh, what is going on there?
Oh!
What?
Oh!
Oh, Josh!
God!
Flipping heck!
My son's room should
be clean, not a pigsty.
I totally agree. I don't
know how that's happened,
but I'll speak to
the domestic staff.
Well, please do. Now,
I'm gonna need a hoover,
some disinfectant, cloths,
whatever you've got.
Finally!
Where have you been?
I had a lecture.
Historical Society.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Where is it?
Oh, it cleans up nice, don't it?
What did Anne say
when you told her?
I bet she was impressed.
You did tell her? Not yet.
She's not really interested
in this kind of thing.
Right. Sure, yeah, who
cares about boring old gold?
Look, I spoke to a mate of
mine - nothing specific,
just a-a what if -
and Rocky reckons he'd be able
to sell it for us privately.
What do you think?
I think it's ridiculous,
and illegal, obviously.
We found it.
Not The Crown or
fucking Farmer Giles.
Us, you and me.
Strictly speaking, I found
it. You were just there.
Don't start that.
Right? We were working together.
I was your official spade man.
Half a million, though.
Or maybe more.
Imagine that.
I mean, when was the last time
either of us got a real break?
The last 30 years, the world's
been screwing us up the arse.
Longer and harder, in your case.
And buried fucking
treasure lands in our laps
and you wanna give
it away? It's nuts!
Now, I looked it up.
We could get less than a hundred
K each if we do it your way.
That's if they agree the price.
They could fuck us both over, and
there'd be nothing we could do.
Fail to declare this and
we both go to prison.
Rocky knows people.
He'll take care of it.
All we've gotta do
is give him the nod.
How exactly does he know people?
He did a bit of time,
but that was ages ago.
It was ancient history, but
he's still got the connections.
We report this find.
All I'm saying is sleep on it.
See how you feel. You
know, give it 24 hours.
If you still feel the
same, we'll declare it.
So, you actually
cleaned it yourself?
Well, it was disgusting. I
mean, you should've seen it.
Well, you would've seen it
if you'd actually been there.
I had my talk. I thought
it was a decent place.
You don't have to get down
on your hands and knees
and scrub in a decent place.
Look, I just want
him to come home.
So why don't we?
What are you
talking about? Josh.
What if he came back
here to live with us?
The business is doing OK.
I've been putting a bit away.
We could hire a carer to help.
Maybe that tattoo girl
you like. Oh, Phoenix?
Yeah, she could probably
use a bit extra.
All I'm saying is
it's a possibility.
Really?
Oh, I want him to
come home so much.
You're a good man.
You're a good dad.
Thank you.
TV: Today we've come to
one of the Peak District's
most popular auctions,
and there's some money to be made
if you play your cards right.
It's a full house for this sale.
Thousands of blocks, with
many bargains to be had,
and it's standing room
only for the latecomers.
And the bidding
has really started.
See? I told you we'd be early.
Hm. RINGING
Ashley Taylor?
Ashley. It's Martin.
SIGHS
What we discussed
I've been thinking
Oh, you all right, Martin?
Yeah, I'm just taking
Laura to her interview.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Um, anyway, that
friend of yours.
Yes, so you're on
the old hands-free.
Rocky?
Yeah, you're on speakerphone,
Martin. Hi, Dad.
Oh, right. Yes. Er hi.
Well, I'll call you back.
It's nothing important.
And, um
Well, good luck.
Yeah. Sorry.
TV: So, what about
the red team's choice?
What do you think he wants?
Oh, we were talking about doing
another metal detecting day.
He probably just wanted
to firm up some dates.
See? I told you to
give it a chance.
What can I say? You were
right, and I was wrong.
CLEARS HER THROA
SHE EXHALES
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna smash this, right?
Right.
OK. Go on.
Martin?
Hi.
You got a minute? Yeah.
Keeper tells me he saw you
and Laura's lad the other day.
Ashley.
Ashley. Right.
Anyway, so
we've had issues with
some arseholes down there.
Coursers. You-You told me.
Anyway, long story short,
if Adam's on his own,
he takes his gun with
him for security.
OK. Yeah.
All I'm saying is he still
shouldn't be pointing it at people,
especially when they've
had written permission.
Now, I know you've been
in to see the police,
but Adam needs a shotgun licence
to do his job, so any trouble
could cause us a real problem.
Nick, look
This isn't common knowledge,
but Jack hasn't been in
contact for quite a while now.
I was worried. I just wanted
to get the ball rolling.
Oh, right, OK.
What did they say?
Oh, that he's an adult and he
can make his own decisions.
That was it. Nothing
to do with, er, Adam.
OK. Thanks.
That'll set his mind at rest.
So, you didn't find
anything, then?
No buried treasure?
Afraid not.
Never mind.
One day, you'll
make me a rich man.
Here's hoping.
Nah, we're OK, in the clear.
He would've come straight
out with it. Definitely.
Nick's no fool. People
underestimate him.
And if we're gonna do this,
we can't take any chances.
So what's the plan?
We need to go and find
some more treasure.
And you think
they're Anglo-Saxon?
Definitely. You see that script?
Ethelred the II?
That-That's Ethelred
the Unready.
He was carved up by the
Vikings back in 997 AD,
Martin? Exactly.
When you left earlier, I suddenly
remembered I hadn't told you.
Senior moment.
Any value to them?
Not much. Probably why it
slipped my mind. About £20 each.
That's it? Two rusty coins?
No, this is an exciting find
from a historical point of view.
Isn't it?
Ashley?
Amazing. Significant.
I'll let you know if
there's any reward.
Whatever keeps you
lads out of trouble.
Shall we?
Yeah.
Beautiful, and sneaky.
Who'd have thought it, eh?
You and me, partners in crime.
FOOTSTEPS
I'm doing this for
Laura and Josh.
It's a one-off.
Which is why you need to listen
to me and do exactly as I say,
or any deals are off.
Understand?
All right. Message
received. You're the boss.
Oh, here he comes.
Martin, this is Rocky.
Rocky, Martin. All right?
Do you wanna pint?
No, thanks. Could
you keep this brief?
I'm just a mate saying hello.
Sure, sure. Short and sweet.
I know a dealer in London.
He's seen the pictures.
We won't get market price,
but it's cash in our hands.
No more questions.
He's discreet.
Sounds perfect.
I can see him next week.
All I need are the artefacts.
All right, brilliant.
Well, they're at yours,
so we'll pop back, pick
'em up, arrange a handover.
Do you really expect me
just to give them to you?
There a problem?
What do you get out of it?
10% commission.
How do I know we'll
get our money?
I mean, what's to stop
you just taking it all?
Because
I'm a man of my word.
What do you suggest?
We go together.
We split the money
there and then.
That way there's no
possibility of, er
confusion.
I thought you said he was a mug.
He's a bit of a tit. All right?
He thinks he knows everything.
I can deal with him.
You'd better.
So you'll help me?
Hm.
Oh! Why are you
taking that old bag?
Oh, just some samples
for the meeting.
People like to get their
hands on something.
Well, if your back goes again,
you've only got yourself to blame.
All right. Sandwiches. Great.
Tea. That's me.
Bye.
All right.
See you later. See ya!
DOOR CLOSES
We're here for Gregorie.
I agree.
Anglo-Saxon.
1080
perhaps earlier.
Undoubtedly.
Those thrymsas were
first minted in 620.
I'd say we're
looking at 750s.
Much of this is commonplace.
But the brooch, some
of the jewellery
Stunning, isn't it?
What a skilled artist can do with
the most basic of tools. It
almost defies belief. Indeed.
I can offer
..200,000.
You can get your
money immediately.
It's worth at least twice
that, and you know it.
With respect, Mr
Well, that's not important.
With respect,
these artefacts are worth whatever
someone is prepared to pay.
And for me, that's 200,000.
Thank you. It's
a generous offer.
I believe so.
But I don't think
your friend agrees.
How about 250?
Thousand? Obviously.
On the open market, this would
fetch three quarters of a million.
Hang on, you said
500 grand. Shush.
As I said, thank
you for the offer.
We were hoping for
a little bit more.
That I can see.
It's a wonderful
find, gentleman.
However
it is not for me at this time.
Good luck with finding a buyer.
225, final offer.
Oh!
Wow! That is wonderful.
Congratulations.
When do you start?
A couple of months.
Gives us enough time that we
can find a place up there.
But I'll back all
the time to see Josh.
Well, we should celebrate
properly, shouldn't we?
Is Ashley coming over?
No, he's in London
on some work thing.
Really? Go Like
Dad? Oh, silly buggers.
They should have gone together.
For fuck's sake!
What was that? We had a deal.
He was trying to rip us off!
200,000 in our hands today.
It's worth more to us if
we declare it legally.
Yeah, in two years! I
need that money now.
I will not be made a fool of.
What? Well, it's a
bit late for that!
He was laughing at us.
Didn't you see that?
Not now. You stupid
old pig-headed
I said..
Not now.
So, er, what are you gonna
have for your dinner?
I ain't sure. Missus got this
thing about Italian food.
Yeah? Yeah.
Always pasta, or
I dunno, mate.
I can't do too many carbs,
to be honest with you.
I'm going for lamb chops.
Lamb chops? I'm
gonna marinade 'em.
So, you slice the lamb once
you've taken them off the chops.
Yeah, it's chickpeas,
apricots, pine nuts,
rice and chicken stock.
And then you put it in a tagine,
which is this kind of clay pot.
What's brought all this
on? All this cooking
when you're the chef business,
what's all that about?
Well, I don't know. I mean, you
know, I saw that tagine pot,
and I thought, "I think
I've found my kind of"
Your calling. My
calling, in
Well, I, er I think
we should celebrate.
You know, give a proper
welcome to the new boss. Right?
Wagner's opens in ten minutes.
It's got a wine list, too.
Do either of you know why I
was brought into this unit?
Because you asked
someone nicely?
Or PTSD. Is it PTSD?
They're shutting you down,
because, and I quote,
"They're all lazy,
useless bastards
"who haven't even got the stones
"to form an offensive
WhatsApp group."
Bill? Shall we get to work?
COUGHS
Look, Rocky, I'm sorry
You told me you had
him under control.
Right now he has
fucked this deal.
Gregorie will tell the other
dealers to avoid us like the plague.
Well, it's like I
said We made a deal.
I want my money.
It's up to you how you get it.
Ah!
Hiya! Hi.
How'd it go? Great.
Really successful trip.
So, I managed to get some
quotes for Josh's room.
Oh, right.
Um, I'm a bit tired. Can
I look at them tomorrow?
Oh, well, I've popped them
on the dining room table.
I know, I just thought I'd put this
stuff away and go straight to bed.
Gregorie Lechamp,
well-known for receiving.
Oh, it's in the Middle East.
Did some deals with ISIS.
Tough negotiators, ma'am.
Very much take it or leave it.
Have we anything concrete?
Honestly, no. There's an
ongoing surveillance operation.
Which I think is
a waste of time.
Yeah, because it was my idea.
There's a lot of insubordination
in the ranks here, Sarge.
Should I say rank? Yeah.
Right. I-I'll review
it. Anything else?
Those happy snaps.
So, who do we think this is?
We had a deal,
remember, with Rocky?
Right, he's expecting to be
paid, and he doesn't slap wrists.
Nasty piece of
work, but art crime?
You do know you're
in Bridgwater?
I swear, I didn't know
anything about it.
OK, why would I report
you to the police?
I might as well turn
myself in. What about him?
You told me you had
him under control.
So, how much do you owe?
About 40,000.
You spent our wedding
money. 'What about Rocky?'
I'll deal with him from now on.
I'm sure he'll see reason
when we explain the situation.
GROANS
Listen to me, you f
No-one dies a hero
When the grave no favour gives
Everyone's a loser
When there's
nothing Left to win. ♪