Frauds (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

Like you before
From days of yore
Knockin' on my door
A girl like you before
MUSIC STOPS
EXHALES DEEPLY,
CRUNCHING
BUZZER BLARES,
METALLIC SCREECHING
Fancy seeing you here.
What are the chances?
So this is me.
IN SPANISH:
If I never see you again
..it'll be too soon.
Bert, I only have one wish for you.
May you die in your sleep.
Hmm.
Hey, let me help you.
Oof!
Oh, it's books.
One has to pass the time.
BERT BREATHES HEAVILY
Too fast?
What? No.
It's good to get a bit of speed up.
So, how are you?
Life treating you good?
Oh, you know.
No, I don't. It's been ten years.
Where is it you're living?
In the hills.
Ooh. You didn't fancy going back
to dear old Blighty?
Yeah, the fact I haven't lived there
since I was 16,
and the driving rain,
it was a real draw (!)
THEY CHUCKLE
What have the doctors said?
Months, not years.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
Gives me time to think
about my epitaph.
Live, laugh, love.
Die, cry, hate.
THEY LAUGH
What do you need, Bert?
A bed, a toilet and a window.
Anything else?
I need you to pull over.
Oh.
Pull over!
BERT GASPS
You OK?
Yeah, yeah. Regular occurrence.
I'll get you some water.
Oh!
Ta.
I can almost see the sea.
I wanna go swimming.
Well, I've got a little pool
at my place.
Got a pool?
Are you allowed to go swimming?
I've got cancer, I'm not porous.
CAR DOOR OPENS
ENGINE STARTS
COCKEREL CROWS
BERT EXHALES HEAVILY
Bit nippy up here
in the clouds, innit?
DONKEY BRAYS
'Ey.
SAM CLICKS TONGUE
It's a lot of land.
It's not mine.
So whose is the donkey?
The donkey's mine.
So are the chickens.
The boars are wild.
Suppose it helps not to be
the only "bore" around here.
Ah, she's still funny!
I suppose we can't all have
your wit and repartee, can we?
It's a curse.
Oh, shit, is that the pool?
SAM CHUCKLES
I was hoping to get my lengths in.
Well, you can if you want.
Jeez. I can't die
of Legionnaires' disease
when I've pencilled in the big C.
Can I ask?
Tumour on my liver, inoperable.
Pills make me nauseous and tired,
but they help me live longer.
If I don't take 'em,
I feel weirdly normal,
but I could drop dead in weeks,
not months.
So a Catch-22, if you will.
This isn't where I thought
you'd be living.
Thought you'd be in
a front line villa in Puente Romano.
SAM SCOFFS
Puente Romano?
I'm more Benahavis.
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Up above it all.
Got you some bits.
What?
Oh. Well, that's a lovely lady bra.
SAM CHUCKLES
It's all they had.
And I had to guess the size.
Thanks.
Oh, I've made up your room,
and if there's anything you need,
I can get it when you're
What, in my death throes?
You can say it.
Well, yeah, OK, that.
Look, if things get too spicy,
then I'll down a bottle of bourbon,
neck some pills,
and you can bury me
under your goats.
They've made me sign things.
I'm your carer and your guardian.
You can't just go and top yourself.
I'll write a letter saying
you knew nothing about it.
Jesus, Sam! Lighten up.
OK.
You gonna offer a girl a drink?
Of Batch Five?
SAM LAUGHS
Oh, that is clean.
That is That is better
than prison hooch.
It's made from tomatoes.
What?
Am I getting this right?
You're living on the side of
a mountain, in a goat herder's hut,
making tomato moonshine
to make sure
that life isn't too easy?
Yeah. I suppose I am, yeah.
Why?
You're the best con woman I know.
You could be living the high life.
Oh, that'd be crass, wouldn't it?
With you in prison.
We should have both gone down
for that job.
'Well, it was my job,
and I fucked it up.'
Ah!
Ugh!
Come on, we're going out.
Let's not dwell on the past.
Today, we drink to life!
OK, yeah. Let's go out.
Whatever you want.
You wanna put some make-up on,
cos you don't wanna spook the horses
with that face.
SAM CHUCKLES,
BERT GIGGLES
SIGHS HEAVILY
IN SPANISH:
Hurry up, mate.
BERT GASPS,
SAM LAUGHS
Salut.
To you.
To us, surely?
This isn't about me.
OK, to me.
SAM LAUGHS
God, no.
It's herbal, I promise.
Guarana. Try it.
No!
It just gives me
a little pep in my step.
Don't want me falling asleep
mid-conversation, do you?
Where did you even get it?
The chemist in prison was a mate.
Have you done any jobs
since I was away?
No. Would you consider a job
if it came up?
No. Our old contacts,
you told them that you're out?
No. Don't wanna bum anyone out
with my bad news.
How's your emotions?
You're very zen.
It's been ten years. People change.
Hmm.
So they say.
What's that meant to mean?
Just once a con, always a con.
One of the oldest bullrings
in the world.
Barbaric sport.
No, it's the opposite.
It's our attempt
to sanitise barbarism.
To tame the beast, as it were.
Aw, it's shut.
We'll have to come back tomorrow.
I wanna go in.
It's on my bucket list.
No, it isn't.
How do you know?
It's my bucket that's been kicked.
You wanna go in now
cos you can't go in now.
Bet you a euro
that you can't get in there.
I'm not doing that. I'm not doing
"I bet you a euro." No way.
You've never failed a euro bet.
Well, today's the day.
That's a dummy. I can tell.
Whatever you're getting us into,
I'm not doing it.
You've just got out of prison.
Yeah, on compassionate discharge.
You don't worry about my discharge.
How's your discharge?
I hope that's compassionate.
We'll get caught!
So then make sure we don't.
Look, you can come back here
when I'm gone,
and you can remember the time
that we argued
about not breaking
into the bullring,
or you can remember the time that
we got into the bullring undetected.
So which is it gonna be?
Fine.
BERT CHUCKLES
Eh
IN SPANISH:
Ugh!
POLICE RADIO CHATTER,
ENGINE STARTS
SIREN BLARES
Go.
It's not the usual sort of thing
you bring out to drinks.
I take it everywhere with me.
Yeah, I know you do.
Right, well, keep a lookout, then.
Ooh, I'm in.
This is why they pretend
it's alarmed.
It's not just a dust bowl
for spearing cattle.
No, this was worn
by the great Francisco Romero,
300 years ago.
He introduced the red cape
to bull-fighting.
This little get-up is worth
an arm and a leg.
Oh! Big bull-fighting expert now?
No, I was reading the plaque.
THEY LAUGH
The killing of the bull
It's not quick.
It's slow.
And the first banderilla
goes in here, in the ribs,
and then three more spears
are fired.
Disables the bull,
tears at the muscle,
breaks him down while he's alive.
Fuck.
You OK?
Just give me a minute.
I've gotta find the loo.
BERT RETCHES
Hey.
Hey, you OK? You've been ages.
Yeah.
BERT COUGHS
Fine.
Oh!
BERT LAUGHS
Oh, man.
Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Oi, oi, oi!
SAM LAUGHS
Yodel-ay, yodel-ay,
yodel-ay-hee-hoo!
Now what?
Why's there always
gotta be a "what"?
All right.
What are you?
Charge me.
SAM LAUGHS
I'm not charging you
in your massive lady bra.
Yeah, go on!
Charge me.
Piss off!
Ole!
LAUGHING: What are you doing?
Why didn't you come
and visit me in prison?
You told me not to.
I said, "Let the dust settle."
I meant a couple of months,
not ten years.
BERT CHUCKLES
I did
..want to, but I'd left it too long.
And then
I felt so bad that you'd been
sent down and I hadn't. Yeah?
'Ey! F
Come on. Charge me.
Come on.
Come on, play the game.
I don't play games, Bert.
Yes, you do. Oh, go on.
BERT LAUGHS
OFFICER IN SPANISH:
HE MUTTERS
Shit!
BERT LAUGHS
Hey!
Para!
Hey!
You're a dick.
Don't ever do that again!
Sorry, I forgot that you were
No, it's fine. I get it.
When's the last time
you did anything like that?
Not even a little break-and-enter?
Just to get the blood pumping? No.
You need to remember who you are.
I know who I am.
Yeah. You're no fun any more.
POLICE RADIO CHATTER
MEN CHAT IN SPANISH
Erm
IN SPANISH:
Hm?
Perdon.
Mm-hm.
Art?
Yeah, it's my new thing.
There's something I need to say.
I'm really sorry.
For what?
For not coming to see you.
And it's not OK.
I don't need your guilt, Sam.
We agreed
that if one of us got charged,
we wouldn't take the other one down.
And I didn't. And that's
all that's happened, yeah?
I'm sorry I wasn't there while you
were going through this treatment.
It's fine.
It isn't.
Just leave that.
Is there no-one you want me
to contact for you?
Mm. No.
Not even Miss Take?
I know it went south,
but she was like a mother to you.
No.
She didn't come and see me
in prison.
I wrote to her
over the years, but
I always felt like
you gave her too much credit.
She's all I had.
I'm just saying
she could have behaved better.
Yeah. Well, we all could've
behaved better, but here we are.
Is there anything I can do
to make you more comfortable?
Is there any pain relief
that you need?
Can we not talk about the cancer?
I just want to enjoy
my time with you.
If that's what you want.
Yeah. It's what I want.
OK.
God, leave it. It's Oh.
It's nice to have the option
to turn it off myself.
Yeah, of course.
Night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to bingo for your lives.
Are you feeling lucky tonight?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
You are lucky to be
in front of this goddess.
Let's go.
MUSIC: 'Heart of Glass'
by Blondie
From Bert?
She's out.
She can't be.
Says she's been released early
on compassionate grounds. Why?
She's dying.
Says she wants to meet you.
Something she wants to do.
Or wants ME to do, more like.
Poor girl.
There is nothing poor about her.
Carmen.
Let's not take any chances.
We'll keep her at a distance.
COCKEREL CROWS,
DONKEY BRAYS
COUGHING
You OK?
Yeah, yeah.
How did you sleep?
Like a log.
Can't believe you kept 'em.
Just stuffed in a box.
They might smell.
You can stick 'em in the wash.
Yeah, well, you'd smell if you were
kept in a box for ten years.
COCKEREL CROWS,
THEY CHUCKLE
Egg wine tonight?
SAM LAUGHS
I was thinking more for breakfast.
Can we go to Tajares today?
Just for old times' sake.
Really?
Yeah. I just I wanna go
to some of our old haunts. Why?
Because I'm a sentimentalist.
Humour me.
You're not.
But OK.
MUSIC: 'Porque Te Vas'
by Jeanette
Contemplating the city
CLATTERING,
LIVELY CHATTER
IN SPANISH:
My husband likes to order for me.
Is it old and tired,
or is it just me?
Oh, I think you look gorgeous.
Everywhere looks exciting
when you're young.
You remember that barman Xavi?
He was young and exciting,
or at least you thought so.
He was a dick.
There's been no significant other
while I've been away?
No-one of note.
Are you not gonna ask me?
What it was like in prison?
How one gets on
in the old sex department?
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
Well, there was
this one young woman called Leona
and a guard who was delightful.
Put it this way, I passed the time.
Been thinking a lot
about the past, though. Yeah.
We should have stayed
out of trouble.
We were never far from trouble,
not working for Miss Take.
She had us running some right scams,
didn't she?
I mean, we were fucking teenagers,
and she had us
pickpocketing old men.
Yeah, and the rest.
Good training ground, though.
If we hadn't worked for her,
we'd not have gone on
to bigger, better things.
We wouldn't have ended up
I wouldn't have ended up in prison?
Did it really just stop
when I was locked up?
Yeah, of course.
Why "of course"?
Because
..I don't do crimes on my own.
WHISPERS: Because you need me?
I didn't say that.
Well, I need you.
I'm here, aren't I?
Yeah, you are.
I also need the loo.
SCOFFS
Oh, hello, Heather.
SAM CLEARS THROA
I ordered for you.
I thought you might want
something to eat. Hmm.
What?
Nothing.
Something.
I wanna do one last job with you
before I die.
Sam, I wanna go out with a bang.
No. Not happening!
Sam
Absolutely not.
Look, if you're so desperate
to do one,
call one of your other mates.
Hey.
Oh?
SPANISH MUSIC LEAKS
FROM HEADPHONES
Abracadabra, baby.
HE WHEEZES
Ooh!
I love you.
I'll get the gas.
Want anything else?
No. I'm fine, thanks.
BERT WHISTLES
Drive!
What?
Shit, shit! I said, drive!
BERT LAUGHS
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
BERT CHUCKLES
Shit.
My fucking God, what is wrong
with you? What did you do?!
I just politely informed them
that we needed the money in the till
more than they did.
With a fucking gun!
There's CCTV.
They'll have the plates!
Wasn't working, I checked.
I'm not stupid.
Oh, my God! A gun, Bert!
A fucking gun!
Where did you even get it?
I smuggled it out of prison.
What the fuck!
I want no part in this.
I've kept my nose clean
for ten years.
And then last night at the bullring,
and now this.
You've only been out two minutes.
Do not bring your shit to my door!
Oh, shut up, you love it.
I really don't.
Why don't you get yourself
something nice, sweetcheeks?
You're such a twat.
BERT LAUGHS
Whoo!
God, I think it's hidden.
Why are you so stressed?
Cos you can't keep your dick
in your pants.
Get rid of the gun!
MIMICKING: "Get rid of the gun!"
Sam, but we're such a good team.
You were always so good
under pressure.
Why would you do that?
Well, because I can.
You can't go through life
doing things cos you can.
It's a bit late for a lecture.
How much did you take?
Couple of hundred. Here, take it.
Where are you going?
To clean up your mess
on my own.
Just trying to inject a bit of fun
into your drab little life.
MUSIC: 'Quando M'en Vo'
from La Boheme
NITA: Bilal eat up.
You don't know what
you'll be getting fed over there.
Don't fuss, Mum. I'll be all right.
I just want you to be careful.
I'm getting picked up
at the airport, driven to a villa,
and all I have to do is paint, Mum.
That's it.
HE CHUCKLES
MUSIC STOPS
IN SPANISH:
SCOFFS
UNDER BREATH: Little twat.
BABY CRIES FAINTLY
WOMAN INSIDE: Viros?
VIROS: Ya estoy!
You can't come here, I told you.
I don't have anyone else
who understands.
You're the only one
that knows what went down.
Then you'll need
to figure it out on your own,
or it will be dangerous for you.
How is she?
Oh
Sam, we've discussed this.
You just need
to hold your nerve, OK?
Do what you said you'd do for her
and just be her friend.
Well, it's easier said than done
when she's living under my roof.
She's pushing me.
I feel like I'm gonna crack.
Viros, quien es?
I'm sorry, Sam. You can't
contact me, OK? I have to go now.
Todo bien. Era un vendedor.
DOOR SHUTS
Aw, you kept my Jeep!
You lied to me. Why?
What is wrong with you?
You're very paranoid today.
I know you didn't hold up
the garage. No, I didn't.
So why did you pretend to?
Just to show you
that you still love that feeling
and to see, if push came to shove,
if you still had my back.
Isn't this enough?
Coming to get you,
bringing you here,
promising to take care of you?
Yes, of course. For dying purposes.
Where did you get the money?
It's what I came out of prison with.
I worked at the hairdresser's.
I could blow you off, if you like.
BERT CHUCKLES
Sam! Is it not a little bit funny?
No, not at all.
I just wanna get you to a place
where you might be open
to saying yes.
Oh, that immediately makes me
wanna say no.
I'm just trying to remind you
of who we are together.
What? You threw a tomato at me,
that's what!
OK, so I don't just want
to do a job. There is a job.
Oh, of course there is.
It's big.
Are you listening to me? I said no.
This is different. It's one
and done. It is fuck-off money.
Oi!
What do you need the money for?
You're dying.
Oh, kick a girl when she's down!
What's in it for you?
Legacy.
SAM SCOFFS
I wanna make my mark before
I shuffle off this mortal coil.
SAM LAUGHS
OK, it's not just about legacy.
It's a It's a bit
OK, a lot about payback.
Oh, that's more like it.
Payback to who?
My old cell-mate, Isabella.
What did she do that was so bad?
She underestimated me,
treated me like a little bitch.
It was her job.
But I got her contacts out of her,
stupid fucker.
Just please, Sam, say yes.
Say yes to what, exactly?
Well, let's just say
you'll be clearing seven figures.
Well, if it's so much money
and you're double-crossing her,
what's to stop this Isabella
from coming after you?
Well, another ten years in prison,
for a start.
Look, I know I can do this job.
I just I just need a partner.
Sam, I don't just need any partner.
I need you.
Please. If this is the last thing
you do for me, and
it probably will be
I need this.
Sam, please. Just do it for me.
And then, afterwards,
I will go away.
I'll die quietly.
I've found a hospice.
You don't even have to hear
from me again. Oh, Jesus Christ!
SAM SIGHS HEAVILY
You've been going through my stuff?
Put that back.
If your daughter rocks up,
which I know you want,
what are you gonna offer her?
Half a dozen eggs
or to be set for life?
Can you imagine never having
to worry about money again?
How amazing would that be?
What a legacy for you to leave.
Do not bring her into this.
I fucking knew it.
The fucking matador costume.
The police'll be looking for it.
Fuck!
Everything you touch!
JACKIE: Just breathe.
CRAIG EXHALES
One, two, three. One, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two
Just Look, just tell me
something, anything. Just
Just take my mind off it.
Bert wrote to me.
She's out.
Bert?
God, not her.
Don't get involved with her, babe.
She is not worth it.
Hey. Do you hear me?
Yeah.
FEEDBACK WHINES
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's why you're all here.
Tonight, he's not
at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas,
because he's here with you all.
It's The Great Diavolo.
And introducing his beautiful
new assistant, Komet!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC: 'Buffalo Stance'
by Neneh Cherry
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to introduce the high hat.
Go on
CHICKEN SQUAWKS
Jesus.
Mm, that's good!
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Now the tambourine!
Where did you come from?
Right now!
Whoo, DJ!
AMERICAN ACCENT: Well,
some chickens have just got it.
And you got it, baby.
RAPS: Hangin' off the kerb
Lookin' all disturbed
As the boys from home
They all came runnin'
They were makin' noise
Manhandling toys
That's the girls on the block
With the nasty curls
Wearing padded bras
Suckin' beers through straws
Dropping down their drawers
Where did you get yours?
Woohoo!
Courses
Huh, sucker?
SINGING ALONG: ..in every way?
Don't mess with me
That I'm thinkin' of
In a buffalo stance
Every time we dance
Not romance
Nothing left to chance
Oye!
IN SPANISH:
Ugh!
WOMAN EXCLAIMS
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING
HEAVY BREATHING
SCREAMS
SIGHS,
DOOR SLAMS
Jesus!
BERT CHUCKLES
SIGHING: Fucking hell.
What's the job? Tell me.
You gonna do it?
As long as I call the shots.
No, it's my gig,
my knowledge, my contacts.
No deal, then.
Sorry, I'm not just gonna do
what you tell me to do.
Why not?
Because it doesn't work for me.
I need to be in charge.
One job - that's it.
And I'm gonna orchestrate it
so that if anything goes wrong -
and I mean anything -
it'll look like you did it,
not me.
Oh, come on, now.
How's that a good deal for me?
Because you know you can trust me.
Is that so?
Your feet need to be to the fire,
and I need to keep them there.
What happened?
You happened.
So go on, then. What's the job?
BERT LAUGHS
Art theft.
SAM LAUGHS
What are we gonna do?
Steal the Mona Lisa?!
Don't be ridiculous.
We are gonna steal
The Face Of The Great Masturbator
by Salvador Dali.
RADIO CHATTER
So it's ten million euros for us,
and all we have to do is break
into the largest gallery in Spain.
Correct, but first
we have to gather the team.
We need the talent
a little bit of magic
..and a touch of panache.
Who is this buyer?
She's a feminist art collector.
Ten million's a lot of money.
Stealing a painting's a lot of work.
SAM GROANS
Can you sort my wimple?
Oh, I thought you'd never ask!
DOOR CREAKS,
MAN GRUNTS