Game Changer (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- [Sam] Get ready for a Game Changer.
Tonight's guests, from the 20th Dimension,
it's Brennan Lee Mulligan.
- Hey!
- [Sam] Having read 20 erotic novels,
it's Jess Ross!
- Mwah!
- [Sam] And, just in
time for CollegeHumor's
20th anniversary, it's Tao Yang!
And, your host,
Me, I've been here the whole time.
Welcome to Game Changer,
the only game show
where the game changes every show.
I am your host, Sam Reich.
I'm joined tody by these
three lovely contestants.
Now, you all understand
how the game works.
- [Jess] No.
- [Tao] Not a single thing.
- [Brennan] It hasn't been explained.
- [Sam] That's right,
our players have no idea
what game it is they're about to play.
The only way to learn is by playing.
The only way to win is by learning.
And the only way to begin is by beginning.
So, without further adieu, let's begin.
Ash, could you bring out the machine?
(laughs)
- Okay.
(mysterious music)
- Uh huh.
- Uh huh.
- Players, are you ready?
- Mm-hmm
- Uh huh.
- I guess.
- [Sam] Brennan, what is your name?
- My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- That's one point for Brennan.
- What?
- [Sam] Lee Mulligan.
- [Tao] That was like a soft question.
- [Sam] Jess, what is one plus one?
(laughs)
- Two.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Two is correct!
- [Jess] Okay.
- [Sam] Tao.
- Uh huh.
- [Sam] What year is it?
- 2019.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] That is correct.
Brennan.
- I'm being fucked with.
(laughs)
You understand?
This is an indignity.
- This will be illegal,
this will be considered
illegal by the courts.
- [Sam] It's one of those
experiments from the 50's.
- [Tao] Yes.
- Where they look back at it,
and they're like, "This
is unconscionable."
Brennan, what is your middle name?
- My middle name is Lee.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Jess Ross, what is your middle name?
- It is also Leigh.
Well, it's spelled differently L-E-I-G-H.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Tao.
- [Tao] Mm-hmm?
- What is your middle name?
- I have no middle name.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] That is correct.
Brennan.
- Yeah.
- Do you ever talk in your sleep?
- Fuck you.
I have talked in my sleep.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] For a bonus point, Brennan,
do you care to elaborate?
- I used to be an insomniac.
I stayed up for 81 hours in a row,
in my senior year of college.
- Holy shit.
- Missing nights of sleep regularly
will affect your sleep
cycle in some weird ways.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Jess, have you
ever talked in your sleep?
- I'm starting to crack right now.
(laughs)
- I'm sorry.
Okay, 18.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
(gasps)
- Okay.
- [Sam] I'm afraid the answer "18"
in this particular context is no.
- Thank you for bravely teaching us
something about the machine.
- Yes, thank you.
- I'm like freaking out.
(laughs)
- Tao, do you ever talk in your sleep?
- I also am very uncomfortable.
I do talk in my sleep, and I know it
because I've recorded myself.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
There's an app and you put
it underneath your pillow,
and it constantly
records, but when it hits
a certain noise threshold.
- Yeah.
- [Tao] It will actually
record that snippet for you.
- Machine?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- How does the machine
claim to know things
that even its creator does not know?
- [Sam] That is a really
good question, Brennan.
- Do I get any points for both hating
and loving the machine?
(laughs)
- Do you snore?
- I have snored.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Jess, do you snore?
- (laughs) I'm so Yes, I snore!
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Tao, do you snore?
- Yes, I snore also.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Brennan, do you floss?
- Yes, extremely regularly.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Two of my teeth are fake, fully fake,
and I fucked up my teeth
when I was younger,
so I make a point to floss every day,
and I also use a fluoride mouthwash.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Jess! Do you floss?
- Yeah. (laughs)
- [Sam] Okay.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Jess] Yeah, I used the flossy things,
I feel bad because it's
probably extra plastic,
do I do it all the time?
No.
Is my dentist gonna watch this?
Probably not.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
What do you think, machine,
do I get 20 points?
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
(gasps)
- Whoa. The machine is sassy.
- I think this machine hates women.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
(laughs)
- You can't tell me.
- Tao, do you floss?
- Yes, I do.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- [Sam] What?!
- I floss. I've been on
an upswing recently, so
- Oh.
- I'm gonna say at least twice a week.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Jess] Oh!
(laughs)
- (laughs) Twice a week!
- You're not a flosser, Tao.
- He thought you meant the dance,
which he does every day.
- I do every day.
Also, I--
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- [Tao] How does it know that?
(laughs)
I don't do the floss dance every day.
- How did it know it?
- Brennan, have you ever shoplifted?
- Yes.
You're goddamn right I did.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Wow!
For a bonus point, do
you care to elaborate?
- When I was working
at my old summer camp,
we had to do a production run to Walmart,
and I walked out of the
store drinking a bottle
off Coca-Cola that I did not pay for.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- That's it?
- [Sam] Jess, have you ever shoplifted?
- Yes, I have shoplifted.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
We were at the Amish market.
(laughs)
- Oh my God!
- [Jess] And they selling,
I don't if people remember
pogs and slammers.
- What?
(laughs)
- But I saw this golden
slammer in like this case,
and my mom said I couldn't have it,
so I took it.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Brennan] You stole
a pog from the Amish?
- I stole the slammer from the Amish, yes.
- [Sam] Tao, have you ever shoplifted?
- Oh yeah.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
And probably the most recent.
I think I regularly shoplifted
until I was like 25.
(laughs)
26?
- [Sam] Wow!
- All the time. All the time.
- Like what sort of
things did you shoplift?
- Well, I just shoplifted
recently at Whole Foods,
when there was a thing of basil in my bag
(laughs)
that I didn't take out.
I went, "Yeah, whatever, I'll
just walk out with this."
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Wow!
I honestly did not anticipate that you
would all be as shameless
as you clearly are.
- Shoplifting from a large corporation
is barely shoplifting in my opinion.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- [Jess] Oh!
(laughs)
- [Sam] Brennan, have you
ever peed in a public pool?
- Yes.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
I peed in the pool, because someone said,
"It changes colors if you pee in it."
- You wanted to test it out.
- It was scientific inquiry.
- [Sam] Jess, have you
ever peed in public pool?
- I think I've peed in
every pool I've been in.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Everyone's peeing in the pool, anyway.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
Oh, excuse me!
(laughs)
- [Sam] Tao, have you ever
peed in a public pool?
- I
urinate
in pools.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Brennan, do some movies
and tv shows make you cry?
- Yes.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Nothing makes me cry more than a character
that is putting a brave face
on a terrible situation.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] The vulnerability you've
shared with us here today,
it should just be one extra point.
(laughs)
I just want to be clear.
Just the one.
Jess, do you ever cry
at movies or tv shows?
- Oh, commercials, yes, everything.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Yes. I'm a big crier.
I'm watching some really
crappy British dating show,
and the girls went to casa amore,
and the boys stayed home,
and they had the opportunity
to couple up with other people,
and Molly-Mae came back and saw
that Tommy hadn't coupled up with anyone,
and she started crying,
and I started crying.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Tao?
- [Tao] Yes.
I cry specifically, much like
Brennan, to a specific thing.
When a group of people come
together for a common cause.
Like the scene in Spiderman
2, when the New Yorkers
are like, "You wanna get to
him, you gotta get through us."
To Doc Ock, that makes me cry.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Players, it's time for a mini-game.
You understand the
mechanic of our game now.
It is based on this lie detector.
- The contestants have figured out
all of the things to do with the machine.
- [Sam] I'm gonna rephrase
that ever so slightly.
- Yeah.
- The contestants have figured out
everything there is to
know about the machine.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- Ooh.
(upbeat gameshow music)
- [Jess] Always keep 'em
wanting more, machine.
- Jess, you are flirting
with this machine.
- Machine, do you think
I'm flirting with you?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
(screams) Oh, you wish.
- [Sam] What I would like
to ask from each of you
is a confession.
Something personal about yourselves
that you would like to
feed into the machine.
Once you do, I will assign it
a one through five juiciness rating.
- Oh!
- Oh my god.
- [Sam] And you will receive
those number of points
if it's true.
- [Brennan] Okay, the bed
that I lost my virginity in,
in a one night stand,
when I was 16 years old,
is the same bed I was later cuckolded in,
in my longest, at the time, relationship.
- [Sam] Holy shit!
That's gotta be worth, I don't know
what's worth five points if
that's not worth five points.
Machine, can you tell me, is that true?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- There is no corner of my
heart I would not turn over
to the world for five points.
(laughs)
- [Sam] Jess.
- I'll just say I've
had multiple threesomes.
- Oh yeah, no, totally.
That's totally worth five points.
- [Jess] What do you
think about that, machine?
- [Sam] Absolutely, machine?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Wow!
- There you go.
- [Sam] Tao, was there anything
that you'd like to confess
into the machine?
- [Tao] Yeah.
One time walking home
from a friend's house to my dorm,
I fully shit myself.
(laughs)
On the way back, and I was
walking with my friends, too,
so I was like, I'm gonna walk ahead,
and I discarded my pants on the street.
- Where on the street?
- Like three blocks away from the house.
- [Brennan] Wait, you
discarded your pants?
What happened to your underpants?
- I also discarded my underpants.
I was wearing a fleece--
- Full Pooh bear!
(laughs)
Oh my god!
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] That's worth five points for sure.
Brennan, have you ever
eaten food out of the trash?
- Yes.
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Jess?
- Yes. Yes.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Tao?
- I have never taken food out
of the trash and eaten it,
but I've definitely eaten
food that should be trash.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Like a bad mango, you know,
it's bad in certain parts,
and I just start eating
around the bad parts,
and my girlfriend says, "Throw that away."
And I go, "There's good
parts of the mango."
- [Sam] Were there good
parts of the mango?
- [Tao] There were a couple bites.
- All right, that's fair.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
Oh!
(laughs)
Brennan, how easily are you
able to tell left from right?
- Perhaps the best in the world?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
(laughs)
Thank you.
- [Jess] What, the best in the world?
- [Brennan] Yes.
- Jess?
- I can't.
- [Sam] You can't?
- I have a really hard time
with my left and right.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
If I do this, they both
look like L's to me.
(laughs)
- [Sam] Sure.
- [Jess] When me and my
fiance, Kate, are in the car,
I can't have her say
make a left or a right,
it has to be a me or a you.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
(laughs)
- [Sam] Wait!
A me or a you, meaning what exactly?
- If it's a me, I go
the direction that I am,
and if it's a you, I go the
direction that Kate's sitting.
- [Brennan] There is a
specific turn called a U-turn.
- We don't make those.
- [Sam] Tao, can you tell your
right from your left easily?
- I mean, left, right, yes.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Brennan, are there any
holes in your underwear?
- Yes, the factory that made it put
a hole in the front for my dick.
- [Sam] No, that's not what I mean.
- [Jess] Whoa, wait, what?
(laughs)
- Is it false or true, machine?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Take the point
away. Take the point away.
- No! No! That is incorrect!
(laughs)
I'm sorry, I did lie.
There's three more holes.
One for my torso and two more
for my legs, motherfucker!
That's correct! You are
not God! The machine is!
- Brennan, I should have specified.
Are there any holes in your underwear--
- [Brennan] This game is fucking rigged.
- From them being worn out?
- Oh sure, yes. I got a
bunch of these Hanes ones
that weirdly have developed
holes along the waistband.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Jess, are there
(laughs)
Are there holes in your underwear?
- There aren't holes in my
underwear, but I do have it
where the elastic is very
worn out of a lot of pairs.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Tao, are there
holes in your underwear?
- Yes, lots of them.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Jess] Is this a boy thing?
- I think so.
A compromise that I
made in my relationship
is I started to throw away
underwear that have a
lot of holes in them.
- Brennan, have you ever slept through
a flight you were supposed to take?
- No. What am I made of money?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Jess?
- Absolutely not, I'm
there two hours in advance.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Tao, you are looking a tad
uncomfortable at the moment.
Have you ever slept through a flight?
- Yes, twice.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- I slept through the same flight twice.
- Wait, you mean what?
(laughs)
- You mean they rescheduled
it and you slept Tao!
No fucking way! That's crazy!
- [Tao] Yes, I was supposed to move
out of my dorm, sophomore
year, and I overslept,
wasn't gonna make it,
had to move my room out and stuff,
so I didn't make that flight.
Rescheduled for later in the afternoon.
When I got to the
airport, I was so sleepy,
and the gate was so full,
so I went two gates over,
and slept there.
And no one woke me up,
because why would they?
- You slept through the
flight at the airport?
- At the gate, yes.
- [Jess] Oh my god.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- Brennan, have you ever
tried to get a nickname?
- I've never taken active
steps to get a nickname,
but I have definitely
been incredibly excited
to receive a nickname.
When I used to work as a camera PA
on Law & Order: Criminal
Intent, my nickname on set
was Shanty or Sippy.
Sippy being an acronym
for shanty Irish prick.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Jess?
- I did. I wanted
everyone to call me Ross,
which is my last name, and I thought,
"Ooh, a girl who's called
Ross, pretty cool."
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Tao?
- Does it count when as a new
immigrant to this country,
you go into class and you go,
"Everyone, instead of calling me Tao,
you can call me Paolo."
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- I love the idea of you're like,
"Better take it easy on
these crackers with Tao.
(laughs)
Let's do, I don't know,
What's the whitest name
I can think of? Paolo!"
- Paolo, yes.
(laughs)
And I talked with an Italian chef's kiss.
- [Sam] Brennan?
- Yeah?
- Do you ever space out
just thinking about swords?
- Oh yeah, yes, correct. All the time.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
A sword holds a unique place
in the history of weaponry.
Unlike a lot of other weapons, a sword
was a symbol of status
in almost every culture--
- I'm really going to have to cut you off
at a certain point.
- Oh, gotcha.
(laughs)
- Jess, where's your engagement ring?
- Oh my God! I can't believe
I'm getting called out.
I left it on the sink in the bathroom,
and I don't like to get it wet.
And now I don't have it.
- [Sam] Oh no.
- Is this a part of the show,
or am I just getting called out?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
I thought I was gonna
get the sword one, too.
(laughs)
- Tao, are there any photos of
your bare butt on your phone?
- Yes. Recently.
(gasps)
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
One of the pieces of
underwear I was wearing
had such a big hole in it that
I just comically ripped it in bed,
and then me and my girlfriend took photos
of my butt out with this underwear.
- Players, it's time
for the next mini-game.
This time we're gonna flip the script
from mini-game number one.
I want to hear wholesome things about you.
Things that present you
in a positive light.
Brennan, we will start with you.
- This sucks. I don't
because it's forcing you to brag, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I take vacation time off of work,
and instead of going to vacation,
I go to work more a different other place,
which is the summer camp.
And the past couple
years, I donate my salary
to the fund that sends
financially needy kids to camp.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] I'm gonna give
you the full five points.
- (shouts)
- Jess, can you tell me
anything nice about yourself?
- I can. I spent a lot of my life,
especially my younger years in school,
not feeling great about myself.
I felt like I wasn't pretty enough.
I was too tall.
I wasn't smart enough.
And now that I'm older,
I'm so proud of myself
that I have let I have
let a lot of that go,
that I genuinely like myself,
and that I'm allowed to say that out loud.
It doesn't bother me at all.
I'm smart.
I write good sketches.
I got a great ass.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
Yeah, you know it, machine!
You know it!
- [Sam] I'm literally tearing up.
Yeah, that's the full five
points for you, Jess, for sure.
- Does the machine seconding
Jess's great ass comment
constitute workplace sexual harassment?
(laughs)
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- No.
(laughs)
- [Jess] That's not really
for you to decide, machine.
- That's not your call. I'm getting HR.
Wait, it's not even human resources.
(gasps)
- [Tao] Machine resources.
- [Sam] It's Robot resources!
- [Brennan] Yeah, we need
IT and HR to team up.
- [Sam] Tao?
- I like to think of myself
as someone who can do
nice things for people without needing it
to even be recognized.
Lots of small examples,
letting people like
go ahead in front of me
in a line for a bathroom.
They really need to go.
Things like that.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] Okay, it didn't make
me want to burst into tears.
- Yes.
- So I will give that a three.
- Wow.
Players, the truth is that
I have been lying to you
about this lie detector.
Obviously, this technology
doesn't exist per se.
It is, in fact, human-powered.
We've been working with a
team of scientists on this
for weeks now, and in
order to give them credit,
I'd like to introduce you
to those scientists now.
Scientists?
(game show music)
- [Jess] (gasps) You liar!
Oh my God!
- [Brennan] Oh my God!
What the fuck is happening?
- [Tao] What? What?
- [Sam] Your significant others have been
in control of this lie
detector the whole time.
- [Brennan] I trust my partner implicitly.
- And you shouldn't.
- You said you wanted to go to
the gym early in the morning.
- Is that so unbelievable, Tao?
- [Jess] That's how you knew
I didn't have my ring on.
- Do you want it?
- Yes, Kate has Jess's ring.
- Do you wanna marry me?
- [Jess] Oh, are you proposing?
- Jess, all this time you
were flirting with a machine.
- (gasps) Ooh!
- Nice ass.
(laughs)
- [Brennan] This is a profound betrayal.
(laughs)
- [Sam] So the game dynamic in round three
is going to change.
- Oh my God.
- I am going to ask a
true or false statement
about our players.
If they're about you,
you don't get to play.
The other players have to decide
whether or not what I'm
saying is true or false.
Now, the more you're face betrays you,
the better your competition stands to do.
Jess and Tao,
Brennan has had the
majority of his belongings
since he was a teenager.
- I think that's super true.
He's into all nerd shit, and
you get that when you're 12.
- [Tao] It gives a lot of
weight to items that he owns.
- I think it's true.
- I think it's also true.
- Izzy, is that true?
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Jess] Yay!
- [Sam] Yes, it is.
- [Izzy] He feels bad for the things,
so wants to continue using them,
so they feel like they're important.
- [Sam] So that's points for Jess and Tao.
Brennan and Tao,
more than any other show,
Jess watches The Bachelor.
- [Tao] That doesn't ring true to me.
- I say that Kate would rather
celebrate something
about Jess than attempt
to stump me and Tao, I say this is true.
- I'll go false.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
(cheers)
- [Sam] That is false.
That is a point for Tao.
In fact, I understand that Jess
watches a lot of Shark Tank.
- Yeah.
- [Jess] Yeah.
- I'm always in the tank.
(laughs)
- Brennan and Jess.
Tao's sideburns get sweaty
when he eats sriracha.
(laughs)
- 100% true.
- [Jess] That's so true.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] It is true.
- The real problem is after.
- Yeah, I didn't turn that fact in.
- When you're rushing home.
- That explains the hole in the underwear.
- Yes.
- It's the blast zone.
(laughs)
- Jess and Tao.
Brennan, more than
anything else in the world,
wants to be a renowned dungeon master.
- [Jess] I don't think
that's what he wants more
than anything else in the world.
- I also, yeah, I think that is false.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- [Sam] It is false.
- [Kate] Brennan wants more
than anything in the world
to be a dad.
- (gasps) Daddy?
- [Sam] Brennan and Tao,
Jess calls Mario Kart,
Mario Race Cars.
(laughs)
- I think this is false.
I think Jess calls it Mary O'Cart.
(laughs)
- We'll leave pronunciation out
of this particular question.
- Okay, then I think this is true.
- I also will say this is true.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] It is.
- [Kate] She probably does
call it Mary O's Cars.
- Mary O Race Cars. (laughs)
- Kate, what does she
call the Super Nintendo?
- She calls it the purple and gray system.
Or the purple and gray Nintendo.
- Brennan and Jess.
When Tao was young, he actively tried
to get his friends' parents to like him
more than their own children.
(laughs)
- I think that's true.
- I will also say that it's true.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- I needed their approval.
(laughs)
- Like, call me Paolo.
- [Jess] Call me Paolo!
- [Sam] Jess and Tao,
Brennan cries when old
people are voted off
The Great British Baking Show.
- [Tao] That is true.
That aligns with what
he said makes him cry.
Which is people with a brave
face during adverse times.
- I'll also say true.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
(cheers)
- [Sam] It is true!
- The old people should
be allowed to stay.
- [Sam] Brennan and Tao.
Jess's difficulties with
left and right extend
to when she was small, when
Dad drove more than Mom,
and so left was a Daddy
and right was a Mommy.
- That is 100% true.
- I'll say true.
(machine computes)
(bell rings)
- [Sam] It is true.
We are down to our last question,
and we have two players tied.
Brennan and Jess, final
question of our game.
Tao often tell Alexis
he could get lost in her eyes.
(laughs)
- [Jess] Alexis does
have very lovely eyes.
I'm gonna say he does say it. It's true.
- So if I say true, best case scenario
is me and Jess tie for first place.
If I say false, one of the two of us wins.
I'll say it's true, too.
(machine computes)
(buzzer sounds)
- [Sam] No, Alexis.
- In fact Tao does not know
what color my eyes are.
(laughs)
Asked me two days ago
after I'd already
submitted answers for this,
and also yesterday asked me
what color his own eyes were.
(laughs)
- Brennan and Jess, you
have won Game Changer.
You each win dinner for two
at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles,
I'm not allowed to say what
it is for legal reasons,
but trust me, it is in fact my favorite.
- Is this for real?
- For real?
- [Sam] Yep.
Here's the thing.
We've embarrassed all
three of you up here today.
And because it really doesn't matter
who wins or loses at this game,
I'm also gonna extend that invitation
(cheers)
to you.
I'm Sam Reich reminding you
that intimacy is nothing
more than future blackmail.
(laughs)
Goodnight!
(crowd cheers)
(victory music)