Gnomes (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
So good to finally meet you, Herr Heyward.
- What do you want?
- You know what we want.
Die Gartenzwergkoenigin.
The Gnome Queen?
- It's just a story.
- And what a story it is!
A tyrannical queen who summoned a stone army
who wrought bloody havoc
on men and women and itty-bitty children.
- What?
- Grab ze girl.
- Up!
- No! No, no! Get off me!
- Schnell! Schnell!
- Get off me!
Let go!
It's not working!
But we followed every step -
the solstice, the blood of a virgin.
What a mess.
Verdammte Schlampe!
Slut shaming? Really?
Look, sir. A diary.
OK.
What did we miss?
Of course, her hatchet,
ze source of all her power.
Wait! No! You don't understand.
You'll destroy everything!
Whatever happens, don't let go of it.
Don't let her have it.
Lydia, if she gets her hatchet,
she'll return to full strength!
Hey! Where did she go?
Find her! Find her! Unbedingt!
The hatchet, it's gone!
Don't let her escape. We need her!
God!
Don't shoot her!
Shoot! Shoot!
You bastard! Bastard! Schnell!
Finish him! Freeze!
Kurt, are are you all right?
Promise
Promise me she'll never
fall into the wrong hands.
I promise, Kurt.
She will never see the outside world again.
Is there a problem, Officer?
Excuse me, folks. I'm afraid
we've got a bit of an issue.
- An issue?
- We have just been informed
that there's a new cop in town.
- Is Alice here?
- Yes.
On behalf of Nompton Police,
we'd like to make you
honorary Super Constable for the day.
- Uh-huh!
- Gorgeous!
Welcome to the force, Alice.
Go and arrest your friends.
Yes, sir!
On the floor, now!
Keep your eyes on him. If he moves, cuff him.
So, Arnold, anyone special in your life?
Come on, leave the man alone, Jeanine.
No! Stef's only in town for a couple of days.
It might be nice for someone to show her around.
And you have been single for quite some time now.
OK.
Erm, I have to go. I'm, erm I have to go now.
Sorry. See you soon.
Can I go play now?
Stay down!
Who wants a lolly bag?
Hello?
This is Car One responding.
Arnold?
Yes, Beverly, what is it?
Over.
Go again.
Arnold?
- You have to let go of the
- Over.
- For God's sake, Bev!
- He can't hear me.
Why does this thing have so many buttons?
You need to get it up in a big reveal!
Mr Mayor!
- Ah! Arnie!
- How's it going?
Where should I put this?
Yeah, put it with the, er, whack-a-gnome.
Hall is looking great, sir.
Yeah! Gnome-A-Palooza!
I've really nailed this one,
Arnold. Absolutely nailed it.
Arnold, we've got a lot
riding on this festival. OK?
- Oh, yeah?
- Not to mention the election.
This will bring in loads
of tourists and their money.
Now, I'm glad you came. I wanted to talk to you
about our piece de resistance.
The big garden gnome.
This is not just a big garden gnome.
She's the Gnome Queen, the oldest gnome on earth.
I got it from some museum in Germany.
She needs to be looked after, OK?
She needs around-the-clock surveillance.
I'm happy to keep an eye out.
I appreciate that. And, er, Mr Henrickson
- will take the night shift.
- Oh, hang on, stop!
He's such a trouper.
I've fallen!
Arnold! There has been
a garden gnome theft.
But don't worry
I will ask Devon
- to
- No, no, you don't
You don't need You don't need to do that.
Over.
Ooh! What if I press this button?
Oi!
- You little mother
- Fang it!
Guys, you gotta stop, or I'm just gonna
have to keep on chasing you.
Guys, will you please? It's a give way!
Ooh!
Shit! For God's sake!
- I think we lost him.
- That was too close.
I think I'm I'm gonna have a heart attack.
- Ah, piss off, Zayn.
- Oh, what are you gonna do,
get your mum to cast a little spell on me?
- Well, at least she has a mum.
- The fuck did you say?
- Put that back.
- What, this?
Sure.
Oi! What do you think
you're doing? In the car, now.
I put my arse on the line for you lot.
How do you think that makes me feel?
- Like an idiot, probably.
- Hey!
But yes.
Are you gonna arrest us?
Not today.
This is your final warning. Understood?
Understood?
Yes, Lucky, we hear you.
All right, go on, get out,
get lost. And leave the gnomes.
Not you.
We're gonna go see your dad.
What? Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
Destruction of property, Zayn.
Well, you can't, cos he's sleeping.
Arnold, is this boy under arrest?
We're just talking, Cynthia.
Zayn, sweetheart?
- Head inside.
- Thank you, Cynthia.
- You're not my mum.
- Say hi to your dad.
Get started on your homework,
love. We'll talk later.
So, er, what did they do?
Nothing we wouldn't have done
at their age, Cynth.
How are we tracking today, Bev?
Three murders, an assault on a priest,
and I'm pretty sure the Sarge
is addicted to amphetamines.
- Golly! Keep me posted.
- Yes, sir!
Yeah, Dev, just letting you
know I found Barb's gnomes.
Gonna run them back to her this afternoon.
Wait! I thought they were stolen.
- They were. I found them.
- No, Arnold, that was my case!
- Why didn't you call me?
- Oh, mate! It's fine.
It's all under control.
Well, did you at least file any paperwork?
We have a system, Arnold!
Ellie!
Hello, Arnold.
What are you? What are you doing here?
- Nice to see you, too.
- Sorry.
I'm just, erm, surprised. I didn't
Sorry. Er
- How are you?
- I'm good.
Good. You look You look great.
Yeah.
- How's the big city?
- Good. It's
big.
Still everyone's favourite, I see!
No, I wouldn't say favourite.
Just, er
- How long are you staying?
- Not long. Just a few days.
Oh, the Gnome Festival.
Have you forgotten how I feel
about gnomes, Arnold?
No. Right. Yeah.
Well, maybe we could get
a coffee while you're here.
Or just some food, cos we have a restaurant now.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It's Everyone loves it.
They've been raving about it.
It's kind of Greek meze fusion Italian
I've been meaning to call.
Arnold! Got your lolly bag.
Oh, by the way, er, this woman asked me
to give you her number. She was kind of weird.
Mm?
Oh, my God! Hi! Ellie!
Hi, Josie, how are you?
Good. What are you doing here?
Are you two? Are you two teaming up again?
- Oh
- No, absolutely not.
Arnold?
Can you get everyone together
in the staffroom right away, please?
Sorry, why are you here?
Good afternoon, Officers.
My name is Superintendent Harvey Poll.
My pronouns are he/him.
And I'm afraid I have some
terrible, terrible news.
Which I've asked Sergeant McKay here to deliver.
Take it away, Eloise.
Oh, erm erm, well, as many of you will know,
the state has placed a greater
emphasis on efficient policing.
So it's been deemed unnecessary
for towns with fewer than 4,000 citizens
to have a designated station.
So instead, these towns will have
a single caretaker officer, while everything else
will be dealt with
by the nearest civic municipal.
Simply put, you lot are done.
- Sorry, what?
- What do you mean, "done"?
They can't do that, can they?
I'm missing something, maybe.
We have a population of 4,287.
And that's not even including
Mrs Rabini, who's pregnant,
and that could be an extra one
or two people. I haven't asked.
Well spoken, and very good
with numbers. Not surprised.
But two years ago, it was 4,600.
Five years before that, nearly 5,000.
And yet your force is staffed at full capacity.
I'm sorry, what if we don't want to move?
Mm
Don't care.
OK, no, no. This town needs a police presence.
- For what?
- Hmm?
I just mean that the workload
just isn't there.
I mean, when was the last time
any of you made an arrest?
Issued a fine?
Is that? Sorry, is that
an actual question? Because
if you let me go check, I think
we have done one of those.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Look,
we don't let things escalate
to that point, Ellie. You know that.
Let's be honest.
This station is a joke. Now, Sergeant McKay -
not "Ellie" - will be evaluating you
to see which officer will
remain here as sole caretaker.
The rest of you will be transferred
to a suitable city branch. Dismissed.
That's fine. It's fine. I'll transfer.
I'll transfer my foot to his fucking balls.
- Calm down.
- I'm calm. I'm actually
- You know, I'm really calm.
- OK, why?
Why have you done that to your stress ball, then?
I only got the call last week.
And before you ask, no, I don't
have any say in the matter.
Caretaker officer. Hmm!
I know I can do it. It's just
I'll miss you.
- I'll miss everyone.
- I'm recommending Devon
for the role of caretaker officer.
Wait, what? Wait, no, I'm
the I'm the senior officer.
- Constable, sit down!
- No! No,
- I'm everyone's favourite.
- Oh, Arnold!
I genuinely believe your skills could be
- better utilised elsewhere.
- I mean, this town,
the people need me.
We've been through this a million times.
Do you know what I miss most about your folks?
Our Friday nights.
Your mum'd be decorating
that hideous gnome of hers.
Glitter everywhere!
Your dad'd cook. Well, he'd try.
We'd sit there for hours
imagining all the things
you'd do when you got older
all the places you'd go.
I mean, things change, Sarge.
That's right, Constable,
they do. And they have.
Where are you going?
To do my job, because there are
some people in this town
who still know exactly how to utilise my skills.
Hey, Arnold!
This way.
Goodness me! You should see
the instructions she came with.
They go from arsehole to breakfast.
There's over 60 pages of them.
- Christ, it's heavy.
- Yeah, coming through.
Here we go.
Watch out!
Oh, my God! Arnold!
You lost your hat.
Arnold!
Constable! The usual?
Er, I'm gonna have a beer tonight, actually, Reg.
All right.
Cheers.
Hey.
That was her.
I didn't ask for this assignment, you know.
That is a projectile.
Evaluating us! That's
I'm sorry, er, did you? We're mates now?
- Well, yeah.
- Yes
- No?
- No.
Well, we could be, if you
gave me the caretaker role.
If I?
Oh-ho-ho, that went in!
Ellie, I'm sorry. Wait, wait.
- What?
- I
It's all day!
What? It wasn't even me!
- Guys!
- I'm sorry.
It was a good shot, though.
One fungi and cheese.
Rosie? I said meat lovers!
You're about eight bucks short there.
There you go, mate.
What? My tip?
I'll give you a tip.
Keep the fungi off the pizzas.
You two gonna go to that
gnome festival on the weekend?
- No.
- No way.
I mean, unless you want to go.
Well, I would, mate, but
it's a bit hard at the moment.
James is off sick,
and the bloody boss has
asked me to pull double shifts.
Still a total dick.
Did you tell him about the police?
All righty, I'm off. Don't stay up too late.
Call Cynth if any problems, all right?
Bye, Dad.
Oh! Fuck me
- Evening, Ossifer!
- Evening.
Here's to us getting to know
each other intimately!
Arnold, I've heard all about you. Bad break-up.
What happened?
Was it VD?
Because that is only a problem if you let it.
No, no! God! I I messed up.
Well, I don't think so, baby,
because a strong man like you
needs a hot sex-positive woman like me.
- Wait, where are you going?
- I'm sorry. You're very
I gotta go.
Well, if you change your mind
here's something we can do together
later.
Arnold!
Er can I come in?
Are you drunk?
A little. A little bit from column A,
a little bit from column yes!
Arnold, it's been a long day, OK? And, I mean,
don't get me wrong, it's been really fun.
Yeah, everyone's just been so nice.
But, erm, yeah, I'm gonna
Wait. No, Ellie. Ellie
OK, OK. I
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have let them throw sweets at you.
Are you kidding me?
What? You You wanted an apology!
No! I don't
I don't want anything from you! Not any more.
I just want to finish this assessment
- and get the hell out.
- No, wait. No. No. No!
This is important.
Please, please make me the caretaker officer.
Please. Please.
Listen, Arnold
Hi!
I couldn't help but overhear Kipps just now.
He's not He's not bothering you, is he?
No, no! He, erm
- He had a work question.
- Work?
- Yeah.
- Work!
Look, I know these people
are or were your friends,
but they're not worth losing sleep over.
OK? The only person you need to impress here,
Eloise, is yourself.
And me.
Because, er, you know, I'm your boss, mate.
You get the idea. Now, look,
it's been a stressful day for both of us.
I've heated my room to 38 degrees. Grab your mat,
let's go lay down some shavasana.
Harvey Poll
Stupid Harvey Poll, with his
big boots.
I'm I'm very I'm
an efficient police. We're
very efficient.
Hello?
Gnome Festival
Fuckin' A.
Ow!
Oh, God.
You're a bit of a disappointment.
Rosie, I'm coming!
Arnold
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no-no-no-no-no! No!
Oh, no!
No, no, no
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Ohhh!
Boo!