Ground Up (2026) s01e01 Episode Script
Offensive Pressure
1
We want a stadium.
We need a stadium.
Tasmanians have had a bloody
gutful over your stadium
and you can stick it up your bum!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
MALE VOICE CHOIR (SINGS) Well,
we've got Cradle Mountain
And we've got Mona Museum
We've got Salamanca Market
And a great footy team
We'll kick your arse! ♪
We've got a museum
in a football club song.
Do we have to have a team song?
Well, I expect we'll
win a game eventually, Destiny.
Yeah, but why do we have them?
We're not Welsh coal miners.
What do you expect the players to do
after a win, then?
I don't know but I don't expect
athletes to sing.
After the 100m,
I don't expect Usain Bolt to break
into a rendition of Nessun Dorma.
It's about bonding.
It's about celebration.
(PHONE BLEEPS)
Ooh, Alastair - FaceTime.
No, no, no, no.
Can we not do that now, please?
Thank you, Jameson. Uh, Hugh,
Destiny. I won't keep you long.
I know you've got a lot to do,
because you've certainly done
fuck-all so far.
Have you got the club song yet?
No but we're about
God almighty! How hard is it
to write a football club song?
Impossible,
judging by the existing ones.
If you can't deliver
a bloody song on time,
how are you going to go with
a multi-purpose stadium?
Just on that, Alastair -
why do we have to build a stadium
to get a team?
Because you can't have one
without the other.
Yeah but why not?
Because they're inextricably linked.
Yeah, I do understand that concept.
I'm asking why.
Because.
Yeah, I mean, I find that
a compelling argument, Alastair.
I just don't know if they're
really buying it down here.
Well, when you're running
the AFL, Hugh
(LAUGHS)
God, that's a funny idea.
You can mount your own argument.
Look, the club presidents want
to see some progress,
so pick up the pace.
I need a song and a mascot
by yesterday.
Hey, I've gotta build a club
and a $715 million stadium here.
It's $745 million now.
Whatever.
Can you just get on board
with all this stuff?
Oh, maybe I should just transfer you
the state government's
$375 million now,
so you can spend the taxpayers'
money any way you see fit.
You say that like
it would be inappropriate.
Hence why we have chosen
three couples
from three very different suburbs.
We want a broad
cross-section of views.
Do we still get paid,
even if we don't know anything
about the football?
Uh yes.
What if we slag off the AFL?
Same fee?
Yes, yes.
There's no loading for sucking up.
So, we need a club motto.
To give you an example,
the GWS Giants used,
"Think big, live big, play big."
So, thinking about Tasmania
and what image
the club might want to project,
what sort of motto
do you think might work well?
Anyone?
Uh, Jun.
Train to win?
Great.
Someone else.
Well, what about,
"Finally, after all these years,
we're in like Flynn."
Thank you, Oliver.
So equating Tassie entering the AFL
with Errol Flynn entering a woman.
OK.
Well, it kind of ruins it
when you explain it.
Sorry, I thought I just thought
not everyone would be familiar
with the expression
and who Flynn was.
He was a root-rat.
Yes.
My mistake. Any other thoughts?
When do we get paid?
Straight afterwards.
Uh, Evelyn, do you have
any thoughts on a motto?
What about, "Prioritising
your taxes inappropriately."
Oh!
Here we go.
What's your problem?
Well, if you must know
Actually, you know what?
We're going to move on,
because we are also wanting to
canvass nicknames for the club.
Well, it's got to be
the Tassie Devils, doesn't it?
Yeah.
What about the Tassie Mutton Birds?
The Tassie Mutton Birds.
Yes. Of course.
It doesn't have to be an animal,
though.
What about the Tassie Homeless?
(OTHERS MUTTER)
What about the Tassie
Woke Anti-everything Protesters?
Yeah. The Wet fucking Blankets.
Are you calling me a wet blanket?
Yes, mate, I am.
You and your missus.
Don't you talk about my family!
Oh, sit down, you snowflake!
What's all that about?
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
Uh Adam?
Yes.
Are you the mascot?
Yes.
Amazing.
Uh, Hugh Shen, CEO.
Hi.
And Destiny Pitt, COO.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
And I am, of course, Adam the Apple
from the Apple Isle.
(CHUCKLES) You're not quite
all there, are you?
That's right!
Some poor sod's taken a bite,
only to discover Willie the worm.
Oh, that's what that is.
Look, I think we've seen enough,
haven't we?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Not sure a piece of diseased fruit
ticks all the boxes
but thank you so much for your time.
Jameson, would you please show
Adam the Apple Donnie the Door?
Alright.
(SIGHS)
Sorry, mate, but, um yeah,
thanks for coming in.
Was it the worm?
No! Love the worm.
More, um
the whole concept, I reckon.
Well, that's something to work on.
That's really helpful feedback.
Thank you.
Amazing.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Anyway, your mates at the AFL
are the ones saying we have to
build a stadium or there's no team.
What if there's a change
of government?
They decide, like half of Tasmania,
there are more important things
to spend that money on.
That's why we need to crack on,
so it's all too far advanced
for them to kibosh it.
Jameson, you've got
to screen out the real nutters.
I am. I said no to
Clayton the Clean Air.
Clean Air? How do you
make a costume for that?
He said you can't.
He was just gonna do it nude.
That's it!
Jameson.
Listen, I need your help.
Destiny knows nothing
about football, OK?
You want me to try
and explain it to her?
Please don't.
Cool.
The state government's put her here
so they can say they're monitoring
how their investment's been spent.
Oh, yeah.
I think she's up to no good.
Me too - are you thinking
some elaborate scam
where she siphons money into
an offshore account?
No.
No.
Look, this project is of
monumental importance, alright?
Oh, yeah. It's huge for Tasmania.
That - plus, if I pull it off,
I can make a very good case
to be the AFL's next CEO.
If I fuck it up,
I'll end up head of umpiring.
My worry is
Destiny's trying to sabotage it.
Me too.
Maybe Launceston's behind it.
This north-south rivalry down here's
vicious.
It's like the Troubles in Ireland.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
So, see what you can
find out about her.
See if she's got
wealthy connections up there
and just generally keep me apprised
of her machinations, yeah?
You
Tell me what she's up to.
Yeah. Yes.
OK.
Uh, Jameson, can I, um
can I take you into my confidence?
100%. Everybody does.
Cool.
Yeah.
Bronwyn in Pay told me yesterday,
in confidence,
that she just applied
for a job with Raw Energy.
Well, Hugh - and disclaimer,
I don't know the guy -
but I'm not sure he has any regard
for the principles
of good governance
or socially aware
business practices.
Yeah, I picked up on that.
Now, the Premier has put me here
to be accountable
for every dollar spent,
so you can see the importance
of this.
100%. It's a huge thing for Tassie.
Yeah, that - and also it will
be career defining for me.
So on behalf of the government
I need you to keep an eye on him
and just let me know
what he's doing.
Keep you apprised
of his machinations.
Exactly.
And we never had this conversation.
So you don't want me to do it?
Do it - but don't tell Hugh
we had this conversation.
Yeah. Amazing. Amazing.
Yep.
Yeah.
Good afternoon.
Hi.
OK. Are we good to go?
Yes.
Well, Jane,
welcome to Tasmania's Got Talent.
Oh, I doubt we'd degrade ourselves
to appear on that.
No. (CHUCKLES) No.
Well, I just made it up, so
Anyway, the floor is yours, Jane.
Blow our minds.
OK, ladies. Stay with me, Helene.
(INHALES)
(WOMEN SING OPERATICALLY)
Come on, everybody
Make some noise
For we are the good old
Tassie boys
We're fit and strong
We'll kick it long
Unless there's an obvious
short person
We'll hit them hard
and fight like dogs
As trucks roll
by with old-growth logs
We'll kick the score
that wins the game
'Cause after all
That is the aim ♪
(HOLDS NOTES)
We're Tasmanians
Taking all the knocks
Tasmania
The state without a fox
They'll lose by a mile
When they get to the Apple Isle. ♪
(LAUGHS)
Extraordinary.
Thank you.
Please take a seat.
They'll stand.
Oh, so beautiful.
JANE: Thank you.
It was.
Thank you.
First thoughts - and I don't know
if you've considered this
but do you think that footballers
would be able to sing that?
Well, with respect,
that's not really my problem.
I'm providing the material
and it's up to you
and your football department
to provide the talent to execute it.
DESTINY: I mean, it would make us
stand out from the pack
and it does align with
our reputation
as being a home for the arts.
Mmm
JANE: Are we not striving to be
the best club in the competition?
I take your point.
It's just that I don't
think an AFL club
is going to start drafting kids
from the Vienna Boys' Choir.
The fans have to be able to sing it
too.
Exactly right, Jameson.
To sing that,
we'd have to put every tattooed,
tone-deaf footy-head in the state
through the Conservatorium of Music.
Alright. Let's go.
We're wasting our time here.
Thanks, Jane. Thanks.
Thanks, everyone.
Do you know what it says on
the Tasmanian number plate?
"Explore the possibilities."
Well, that rules that song out,
then.
Do you want to see another mascot
try-out now?
She's come
as Mickey Mount Wellington.
She's got a little cable car
running up her arm and everything -
and it's detachable,
if you're opposed to it.
For a start, we'd prefer the
Aboriginal or Palawa name Kunanyi
to Mount Wellington.
I can ask
if she's happy to change it to
Barney Kunanyi.
If that's not disrespectful.
So, uh, Destiny,
you always lived in Hobart?
No. I went to school up north.
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
Really?
Excuse me.
So, up north, eh? Right. OK.
That'd be what?
Davenport, or, um
Launceston.
Excuse me.
Yeah. So, uh, Launie.
Launie. You, uh,
still got any friends up there?
Good friends?
Um, yeah, I've got
got friends there.
Amazing.
'Scuse.
Yeah. Um
So, powerful friends or, uh
Hey, Hugh.
Jameson.
Just talking to Destiny
about her contacts in Launie.
What's going on with you?
Don't mean to pry -
just in general, work-wise
Alastair called again.
He wants us to look outside Tasmania
for a professional musician.
The government would prefer it's
someone local.
Oh, why didn't I think
of telling Alastair that?
Because you're intimidated by him.
I am not.
What about Tim Minchin?
He'd be alright.
Minchin. Is he a good fit?
Would he write a footy club song?
He wrote a song about
Cardinal George Pell.
How's that relevant?
Pell was a good footballer
in his day. Signed with Richmond.
Yeah, I don't think that song was
about his football prowess, though.
It wasn't, "Up there, George Pell."
No, it was,
"Come back, Cardinal Pell."
Yeah. Come back from the Vatican.
Not from being six goals
down at half-time.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ooh. Yep.
And
Excuse me.
OK.
Excuse me.
I'm really getting in the way.
Sorry. (MUMBLES)
(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)
Hi, Alistair.
Are you still at work?
Yep. Still here.
Made any progress on sponsorships?
Sponsorships? Yeah.
I've got a couple of promising
nibbles this week
that I'll follow up on, so
Well, stitch them up!
You should have made a few by now.
Well, the economy here is no good,
mate. It's a bit tough.
Where are you with the location
for the training and admin base?
Yeah. I'm just waiting on
a couple of reports on that.
That needs to be happening now,
Hugh.
Yeah, well, the councils
are a nightmare.
Whose arse do you need to kiss?
I'm not sure yet.
Yeah, well, look into it
and pucker up.
Make it a priority.
Right.
You missing Melbourne?
Yeah, I really am.
I don't know anyone down here and
Yeah. OK. See ya.
OK. Oh!
What do you reckon, Merlot?
We're not gonna kiss any arse,
are we? Hey?
I'm being set up to fail, aren't I?
Alistair's given me a poisoned
chalice because I'm a threat.
A big threat,
who might take his job.
Shouldn't have your dog in at work,
Hugh.
Sales are up 9% for the quarter,
which we expect to get to double
figures over the next six months.
So, whilst we're
a relatively new player
in the salmon industry here,
our market penetration,
driven by our focus on world's
best practice farming techniques,
delivering unsurpassed
quality product,
is rapidly establishing us as,
uh, if you'll pardon the pun,
a premier brand.
And you feed them chicken shit,
don't you?
A component of poultry litter
is involved.
And chemicals to make them orange.
We do use a synthetic colouring
additive with no known health risks.
Mmm. Yum.
So you're looking
to increase your exposure.
Oh! Fuck off.
Excuse me?
The Sorry. The wasabi.
Sorry.
Oh, yes. That's quite hot.
(SPITS)
And so is that tea.
Yes, we absolutely are looking
to increase our exposure, Hugh.
What I would love to see
is that we come on board
as a major sponsor,
with an agreement
to be the sole supplier
of fresh seafood to the venue,
because I see some synergies
between Salmania
and our new AFL team
that could be of tremendous
mutual benefit.
We're both new, Tassie, fresh,
determined to make it to number one.
They're not the only synergies,
though, are they?
No, no I'm sure they're not.
Brian Noyce, one of our
board members,
is also a director of your company,
isn't he?
That's right - which provides
a fantastic opportunity.
Or a conflict of interest.
For both parties to benefit. Huh?
How is it a conflict if Brian wants
his football club
to provide top-quality
seafood produce to its customers,
and his company can provide it?
I'll send you a link.
Yeah, look, we'll deal with that
if it becomes an issue, OK?
What level of sponsorship
are we talking about here, George?
That will really depend, Hugh,
on what you can bring to the table.
And don't say a lap-dancer. Hey?
Hey? (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not saying that.
Did you have anything specific
in mind?
Well, I'm not sure
what this sort of thing costs
but ideally, what we would love
is that the club jumper be
predominantly pink on the front
and silvery grey on the back.
So, like a salmon steak.
Yeah! That's it.
And then why don't we put
little fins on the side?
Except that would make them easier
to tackle.
Not if they were oily.
Ooh, yeah. Good point.
Ooh!
Do I detect a frosty vibe?
Hopefully.
Wouldn't want
to be wasting this awkwardness.
What have I done?
Oh!
Well, I mean, you really sweet-talked
him with all that stuff
about chicken shit and
conflicts of interest, didn't you?
Well, that arrangement would be
totally inappropriate.
And he's a wanker!
We're going to knock back business
heavyweights because they're wankers?
We'll have no corporate sponsorships!
We need to welcome wankers.
Be more inclusive.
I'm going to call out conflicts
of interest when I see them.
Yeah. That's fine -
but this is a small state.
If you want board members
from the business community,
chances are they'll be
involved in something
that benefits from the stadium.
So if a conflict of interest
is inevitable, it's OK?
Well, you want local input.
I mean, what's the conflict, really?
So when the board meet to decide
the catering contract,
Brian Noice steps out of the room
and his fellow directors say,
"Brian's a good guy
and a valuable board member,"
"and his company's sponsorship
is valuable"
"but we'll give the contract
to somebody else."
Well, why would they do that?
Exactly. Why would they?
So what's the problem?
Seriously?
It's OK that his company
benefits financially
from his position on the board?
That's business.
Oh, see, us public servants
don't understand business.
Do you want this project to happen?
I'm completely agnostic about it.
Agnostic or atheistic?
Well, what I'm not going to be
is a Hillsong happy clapper.
But are you excited about it?
Within the parameters
of being a public servant.
I have no interest in sport.
Jesus!
So no, I'm not excited.
I don't have an emotional attachment
to a proposed building
or a non-existent sporting team.
Put that on a bumper sticker.
Why'd they choose you, then?
(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)
Hi, Jameson.
Hey.
So I've been looking into Destiny,
and, um
You're on speaker!
You're on speaker and
Destiny is with me, Jameson, so
Uh OK. Well, uh
So
Uh, um
So
Um
Does her workspace comply
ergonomically with the guidelines?
What?
Oh yes.
Yes, it completely complies.
Yep. Check checked it out.
Great.
All good.
OK. Thanks, Jameson.
Sure. And, Destiny,
I will talk to you later.
Please do.
Just about work stuff, not Hugh.
Yep. Goodbye, Jameson.
OK. Bye.
As regards to the team nickname,
the Tassie Devils seems to be
the most popular.
Great.
Great.
Great - an animal known for its
facial tumours
that we only ever see as roadkill.
That's the image we want to go with?
But we would need to get
permission from Warner Brothers
to use the Tasmanian Devil.
How can they copyright a marsupial?
So if we didn't get it,
what are we left with?
A facial tumour.
Be an awesome costume.
The bigger issue with the term
'devils', though,
is the religious right in Tassie,
especially up north.
They are not going to be happy
with the connotations.
Yeah, right.
You don't think
we could convince them
that we're not actually
going to be worshipping Satan?
Do they think the GWS Giants
are actually giants?
Is 'giants' PC?
It really should be 'large people',
shouldn't it?
Sure.
From now on, we'll refer to them
as the Greater Western Sydney
Large People.
Assuming 'Greater' is OK.
It's a bit judge mental.
Yep. Fine. Let's go with the
Broader Western Sydney Large People.
OK.
Thanks, Angela.
There's a lot of people
not happy about this stadium.
They are really worried about it.
Can we address that in some way?
Yes.
Ah!
We'll build the stadium
and shut them up.
OK. Well, I've got to prep
for another focus group.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be with my trauma counsellor.
If anyone wants me,
I'll be in the toilet.
That makes it just
that little bit less likely.
Hey, I think you
and I need to do a bit of a re-set.
Maybe we should go for a drink
after work, over the road?
I'll be there about 5:00.
I've got yoga after work.
Don't get out till 7:00.
Perfect.
WOMAN: Hello, my darling boy!
Oh, God.
Oh. President?
Oh, sweetheart!
Also chair of
the Tasmanian Chamber of Nepotism.
Was she really the best candidate
for president?
Oh, by several million dollars,
which is a skill set
we'll make great use of.
Catherine!
No big ideas for you today.
Awww!
But you're still working on
my Antarctic training camp idea
anyway, aren't you?
Really pushing hard for it.
And my robot water carriers
and the goal posts with
the fireworks coming out the top?
All progressing as I'd hoped.
No, I just dropped
by to see how my boy's going.
Oh, OK.
Is he? Oh, tremendous.
His dad and I were worried
he might not be up to it,
but happy to be proven wrong.
He really appreciates that you both
respect him for who he is.
Well, that's amazing
that he feels like that.
Because the fact that I am
a wealthy businesswoman
should in no way influence
how you deal with him.
It doesn't.
Good.
I've been treating him like scum.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, good.
('WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES'
BY THE DOOBIE BROTHERS)
Uh, no, thank you.
So, men's team in the VFL in 2026.
Women's team, 2027.
Build a training and admin facility
and a stadium -
team in the AFL in 2028.
Back to Melbourne,
depose Alastair, run the AFL.
What about you?
Become the senior public servant
in Tasmania by the time I'm 35.
Why wait till then?
Identify your rivals.
Undermine them.
Stab them in the back.
See? It's my public service
naivety again.
This is probably
about my own mortality
but lately I've been noticing
how fabulous young people's skin is.
OK.
I've gotta go.
Hey, I didn't mean anything.
I'll see you tomorrow.
As she rises to her apology ♪
Shit.
MEN: (BELLOW)
Resistance is useless
We will keep you scoreless
In our evil reign
In our evil reign ♪
Morning!
Jameson?
Yeah. Um (CLEARS THROAT)
So, how do you reckon
it's all going, Hugh?
Good?
Amazing. Yeah.
Everything's, uh, being done
as per the contract and that?
Is Destiny asking you
to report to her about me,
the way I've asked you
to report to me about her?
No. No, no.
That conversation never happened.
The conversation where she
asked you to report on me?
No. I mean, yes.
Yes what?
Yes.
The conversation where she
asked me to report on you.
That conversation never happened?
No.
No, it did happen,
or no, it never happened?
Yes. It never happened.
I'm confused, because you said,
no, it never happened
and now, yes, it never happened.
So am I right in saying
that conversation never happened?
No.
It never happened?
Uh, no, you're not right.
It happened but it never happened.
Thank you.
Can I have a word?
Uh-huh.
I just want you to know that
I'm sincerely sorry for last night.
I was making a general observation
and I guess trying to pay you
a compliment.
But what I said was inappropriate.
It won't happen again
and I apologise
for any discomfort it made you feel.
I appreciate you'd be
within your rights to report this.
I would just
Don't worry about it.
You were drunk.
You're single, lonely,
hard to warm to, sex-starved
and I'm attractive - I get it.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I mean, I don't think
there was inherently
anything wrong with what I said
but, uh, because there's this
power imbalance between us, I
I don't think there's
a power imbalance.
Oh, well
Yeah. Great. Great.
It would have been really creepy
if there was a power imbalance.
It would have been a different
matter.
Right.
Well, great.
So we're good?
We're alright.
Good morning, good morning!
How are we?
George.
Morning, George.
Righto.
I'm just passing through
and I thought I would drop off
a sample of our product for you.
A side of our beautiful,
hot-smoked salmon.
Magic. Thank you very much.
Pleasure. Destiny?
Uh, no, thank you.
No? Come on.
Don't tell me that eating beautiful,
fresh Tassie produce
is a conflict of interest.
Accepting a gift in these
circumstances is inappropriate.
Destiny, come on.
He's not going to buy his way
into a catering contract
with a couple of pieces of fish.
Hey, they're whole sides of salmon.
It's not right.
I'm sorry, George.
Don't apologise for me.
Sorry. I apologise for me.
I respect your passion.
I respect your beliefs.
But come on. Oh! It's delicious.
Here.
Um, this is for you.
It's a whole side of smoked salmon.
Oh, I'm not eating that.
That mob feed 'em chicken shit.
Well, we've got Cradle Mountain
And we've got Mona Museum
We've got Salamanca Market
And a great footy team
We'll kick your arse! ♪
What the fuck have you two
been doing?
You haven't got a song or a location
for the training and admin centre.
You need to watch your tone.
Football Tasmania is soccer.
You're football.
See, soccer is football
and football's football
but Football Tasmania is soccer.
So, stadium over there
and potentially the training
and admin facility
somewhere around here.
Somewhere around this
sacred precinct.
What's that area over there?
Oh, that's government housing.
Oh, yeah. How much land?
Captions by Red Bee Media.
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
We want a stadium.
We need a stadium.
Tasmanians have had a bloody
gutful over your stadium
and you can stick it up your bum!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
MALE VOICE CHOIR (SINGS) Well,
we've got Cradle Mountain
And we've got Mona Museum
We've got Salamanca Market
And a great footy team
We'll kick your arse! ♪
We've got a museum
in a football club song.
Do we have to have a team song?
Well, I expect we'll
win a game eventually, Destiny.
Yeah, but why do we have them?
We're not Welsh coal miners.
What do you expect the players to do
after a win, then?
I don't know but I don't expect
athletes to sing.
After the 100m,
I don't expect Usain Bolt to break
into a rendition of Nessun Dorma.
It's about bonding.
It's about celebration.
(PHONE BLEEPS)
Ooh, Alastair - FaceTime.
No, no, no, no.
Can we not do that now, please?
Thank you, Jameson. Uh, Hugh,
Destiny. I won't keep you long.
I know you've got a lot to do,
because you've certainly done
fuck-all so far.
Have you got the club song yet?
No but we're about
God almighty! How hard is it
to write a football club song?
Impossible,
judging by the existing ones.
If you can't deliver
a bloody song on time,
how are you going to go with
a multi-purpose stadium?
Just on that, Alastair -
why do we have to build a stadium
to get a team?
Because you can't have one
without the other.
Yeah but why not?
Because they're inextricably linked.
Yeah, I do understand that concept.
I'm asking why.
Because.
Yeah, I mean, I find that
a compelling argument, Alastair.
I just don't know if they're
really buying it down here.
Well, when you're running
the AFL, Hugh
(LAUGHS)
God, that's a funny idea.
You can mount your own argument.
Look, the club presidents want
to see some progress,
so pick up the pace.
I need a song and a mascot
by yesterday.
Hey, I've gotta build a club
and a $715 million stadium here.
It's $745 million now.
Whatever.
Can you just get on board
with all this stuff?
Oh, maybe I should just transfer you
the state government's
$375 million now,
so you can spend the taxpayers'
money any way you see fit.
You say that like
it would be inappropriate.
Hence why we have chosen
three couples
from three very different suburbs.
We want a broad
cross-section of views.
Do we still get paid,
even if we don't know anything
about the football?
Uh yes.
What if we slag off the AFL?
Same fee?
Yes, yes.
There's no loading for sucking up.
So, we need a club motto.
To give you an example,
the GWS Giants used,
"Think big, live big, play big."
So, thinking about Tasmania
and what image
the club might want to project,
what sort of motto
do you think might work well?
Anyone?
Uh, Jun.
Train to win?
Great.
Someone else.
Well, what about,
"Finally, after all these years,
we're in like Flynn."
Thank you, Oliver.
So equating Tassie entering the AFL
with Errol Flynn entering a woman.
OK.
Well, it kind of ruins it
when you explain it.
Sorry, I thought I just thought
not everyone would be familiar
with the expression
and who Flynn was.
He was a root-rat.
Yes.
My mistake. Any other thoughts?
When do we get paid?
Straight afterwards.
Uh, Evelyn, do you have
any thoughts on a motto?
What about, "Prioritising
your taxes inappropriately."
Oh!
Here we go.
What's your problem?
Well, if you must know
Actually, you know what?
We're going to move on,
because we are also wanting to
canvass nicknames for the club.
Well, it's got to be
the Tassie Devils, doesn't it?
Yeah.
What about the Tassie Mutton Birds?
The Tassie Mutton Birds.
Yes. Of course.
It doesn't have to be an animal,
though.
What about the Tassie Homeless?
(OTHERS MUTTER)
What about the Tassie
Woke Anti-everything Protesters?
Yeah. The Wet fucking Blankets.
Are you calling me a wet blanket?
Yes, mate, I am.
You and your missus.
Don't you talk about my family!
Oh, sit down, you snowflake!
What's all that about?
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
Uh Adam?
Yes.
Are you the mascot?
Yes.
Amazing.
Uh, Hugh Shen, CEO.
Hi.
And Destiny Pitt, COO.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
And I am, of course, Adam the Apple
from the Apple Isle.
(CHUCKLES) You're not quite
all there, are you?
That's right!
Some poor sod's taken a bite,
only to discover Willie the worm.
Oh, that's what that is.
Look, I think we've seen enough,
haven't we?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Not sure a piece of diseased fruit
ticks all the boxes
but thank you so much for your time.
Jameson, would you please show
Adam the Apple Donnie the Door?
Alright.
(SIGHS)
Sorry, mate, but, um yeah,
thanks for coming in.
Was it the worm?
No! Love the worm.
More, um
the whole concept, I reckon.
Well, that's something to work on.
That's really helpful feedback.
Thank you.
Amazing.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Anyway, your mates at the AFL
are the ones saying we have to
build a stadium or there's no team.
What if there's a change
of government?
They decide, like half of Tasmania,
there are more important things
to spend that money on.
That's why we need to crack on,
so it's all too far advanced
for them to kibosh it.
Jameson, you've got
to screen out the real nutters.
I am. I said no to
Clayton the Clean Air.
Clean Air? How do you
make a costume for that?
He said you can't.
He was just gonna do it nude.
That's it!
Jameson.
Listen, I need your help.
Destiny knows nothing
about football, OK?
You want me to try
and explain it to her?
Please don't.
Cool.
The state government's put her here
so they can say they're monitoring
how their investment's been spent.
Oh, yeah.
I think she's up to no good.
Me too - are you thinking
some elaborate scam
where she siphons money into
an offshore account?
No.
No.
Look, this project is of
monumental importance, alright?
Oh, yeah. It's huge for Tasmania.
That - plus, if I pull it off,
I can make a very good case
to be the AFL's next CEO.
If I fuck it up,
I'll end up head of umpiring.
My worry is
Destiny's trying to sabotage it.
Me too.
Maybe Launceston's behind it.
This north-south rivalry down here's
vicious.
It's like the Troubles in Ireland.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
So, see what you can
find out about her.
See if she's got
wealthy connections up there
and just generally keep me apprised
of her machinations, yeah?
You
Tell me what she's up to.
Yeah. Yes.
OK.
Uh, Jameson, can I, um
can I take you into my confidence?
100%. Everybody does.
Cool.
Yeah.
Bronwyn in Pay told me yesterday,
in confidence,
that she just applied
for a job with Raw Energy.
Well, Hugh - and disclaimer,
I don't know the guy -
but I'm not sure he has any regard
for the principles
of good governance
or socially aware
business practices.
Yeah, I picked up on that.
Now, the Premier has put me here
to be accountable
for every dollar spent,
so you can see the importance
of this.
100%. It's a huge thing for Tassie.
Yeah, that - and also it will
be career defining for me.
So on behalf of the government
I need you to keep an eye on him
and just let me know
what he's doing.
Keep you apprised
of his machinations.
Exactly.
And we never had this conversation.
So you don't want me to do it?
Do it - but don't tell Hugh
we had this conversation.
Yeah. Amazing. Amazing.
Yep.
Yeah.
Good afternoon.
Hi.
OK. Are we good to go?
Yes.
Well, Jane,
welcome to Tasmania's Got Talent.
Oh, I doubt we'd degrade ourselves
to appear on that.
No. (CHUCKLES) No.
Well, I just made it up, so
Anyway, the floor is yours, Jane.
Blow our minds.
OK, ladies. Stay with me, Helene.
(INHALES)
(WOMEN SING OPERATICALLY)
Come on, everybody
Make some noise
For we are the good old
Tassie boys
We're fit and strong
We'll kick it long
Unless there's an obvious
short person
We'll hit them hard
and fight like dogs
As trucks roll
by with old-growth logs
We'll kick the score
that wins the game
'Cause after all
That is the aim ♪
(HOLDS NOTES)
We're Tasmanians
Taking all the knocks
Tasmania
The state without a fox
They'll lose by a mile
When they get to the Apple Isle. ♪
(LAUGHS)
Extraordinary.
Thank you.
Please take a seat.
They'll stand.
Oh, so beautiful.
JANE: Thank you.
It was.
Thank you.
First thoughts - and I don't know
if you've considered this
but do you think that footballers
would be able to sing that?
Well, with respect,
that's not really my problem.
I'm providing the material
and it's up to you
and your football department
to provide the talent to execute it.
DESTINY: I mean, it would make us
stand out from the pack
and it does align with
our reputation
as being a home for the arts.
Mmm
JANE: Are we not striving to be
the best club in the competition?
I take your point.
It's just that I don't
think an AFL club
is going to start drafting kids
from the Vienna Boys' Choir.
The fans have to be able to sing it
too.
Exactly right, Jameson.
To sing that,
we'd have to put every tattooed,
tone-deaf footy-head in the state
through the Conservatorium of Music.
Alright. Let's go.
We're wasting our time here.
Thanks, Jane. Thanks.
Thanks, everyone.
Do you know what it says on
the Tasmanian number plate?
"Explore the possibilities."
Well, that rules that song out,
then.
Do you want to see another mascot
try-out now?
She's come
as Mickey Mount Wellington.
She's got a little cable car
running up her arm and everything -
and it's detachable,
if you're opposed to it.
For a start, we'd prefer the
Aboriginal or Palawa name Kunanyi
to Mount Wellington.
I can ask
if she's happy to change it to
Barney Kunanyi.
If that's not disrespectful.
So, uh, Destiny,
you always lived in Hobart?
No. I went to school up north.
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
Really?
Excuse me.
So, up north, eh? Right. OK.
That'd be what?
Davenport, or, um
Launceston.
Excuse me.
Yeah. So, uh, Launie.
Launie. You, uh,
still got any friends up there?
Good friends?
Um, yeah, I've got
got friends there.
Amazing.
'Scuse.
Yeah. Um
So, powerful friends or, uh
Hey, Hugh.
Jameson.
Just talking to Destiny
about her contacts in Launie.
What's going on with you?
Don't mean to pry -
just in general, work-wise
Alastair called again.
He wants us to look outside Tasmania
for a professional musician.
The government would prefer it's
someone local.
Oh, why didn't I think
of telling Alastair that?
Because you're intimidated by him.
I am not.
What about Tim Minchin?
He'd be alright.
Minchin. Is he a good fit?
Would he write a footy club song?
He wrote a song about
Cardinal George Pell.
How's that relevant?
Pell was a good footballer
in his day. Signed with Richmond.
Yeah, I don't think that song was
about his football prowess, though.
It wasn't, "Up there, George Pell."
No, it was,
"Come back, Cardinal Pell."
Yeah. Come back from the Vatican.
Not from being six goals
down at half-time.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ooh. Yep.
And
Excuse me.
OK.
Excuse me.
I'm really getting in the way.
Sorry. (MUMBLES)
(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)
Hi, Alistair.
Are you still at work?
Yep. Still here.
Made any progress on sponsorships?
Sponsorships? Yeah.
I've got a couple of promising
nibbles this week
that I'll follow up on, so
Well, stitch them up!
You should have made a few by now.
Well, the economy here is no good,
mate. It's a bit tough.
Where are you with the location
for the training and admin base?
Yeah. I'm just waiting on
a couple of reports on that.
That needs to be happening now,
Hugh.
Yeah, well, the councils
are a nightmare.
Whose arse do you need to kiss?
I'm not sure yet.
Yeah, well, look into it
and pucker up.
Make it a priority.
Right.
You missing Melbourne?
Yeah, I really am.
I don't know anyone down here and
Yeah. OK. See ya.
OK. Oh!
What do you reckon, Merlot?
We're not gonna kiss any arse,
are we? Hey?
I'm being set up to fail, aren't I?
Alistair's given me a poisoned
chalice because I'm a threat.
A big threat,
who might take his job.
Shouldn't have your dog in at work,
Hugh.
Sales are up 9% for the quarter,
which we expect to get to double
figures over the next six months.
So, whilst we're
a relatively new player
in the salmon industry here,
our market penetration,
driven by our focus on world's
best practice farming techniques,
delivering unsurpassed
quality product,
is rapidly establishing us as,
uh, if you'll pardon the pun,
a premier brand.
And you feed them chicken shit,
don't you?
A component of poultry litter
is involved.
And chemicals to make them orange.
We do use a synthetic colouring
additive with no known health risks.
Mmm. Yum.
So you're looking
to increase your exposure.
Oh! Fuck off.
Excuse me?
The Sorry. The wasabi.
Sorry.
Oh, yes. That's quite hot.
(SPITS)
And so is that tea.
Yes, we absolutely are looking
to increase our exposure, Hugh.
What I would love to see
is that we come on board
as a major sponsor,
with an agreement
to be the sole supplier
of fresh seafood to the venue,
because I see some synergies
between Salmania
and our new AFL team
that could be of tremendous
mutual benefit.
We're both new, Tassie, fresh,
determined to make it to number one.
They're not the only synergies,
though, are they?
No, no I'm sure they're not.
Brian Noyce, one of our
board members,
is also a director of your company,
isn't he?
That's right - which provides
a fantastic opportunity.
Or a conflict of interest.
For both parties to benefit. Huh?
How is it a conflict if Brian wants
his football club
to provide top-quality
seafood produce to its customers,
and his company can provide it?
I'll send you a link.
Yeah, look, we'll deal with that
if it becomes an issue, OK?
What level of sponsorship
are we talking about here, George?
That will really depend, Hugh,
on what you can bring to the table.
And don't say a lap-dancer. Hey?
Hey? (CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not saying that.
Did you have anything specific
in mind?
Well, I'm not sure
what this sort of thing costs
but ideally, what we would love
is that the club jumper be
predominantly pink on the front
and silvery grey on the back.
So, like a salmon steak.
Yeah! That's it.
And then why don't we put
little fins on the side?
Except that would make them easier
to tackle.
Not if they were oily.
Ooh, yeah. Good point.
Ooh!
Do I detect a frosty vibe?
Hopefully.
Wouldn't want
to be wasting this awkwardness.
What have I done?
Oh!
Well, I mean, you really sweet-talked
him with all that stuff
about chicken shit and
conflicts of interest, didn't you?
Well, that arrangement would be
totally inappropriate.
And he's a wanker!
We're going to knock back business
heavyweights because they're wankers?
We'll have no corporate sponsorships!
We need to welcome wankers.
Be more inclusive.
I'm going to call out conflicts
of interest when I see them.
Yeah. That's fine -
but this is a small state.
If you want board members
from the business community,
chances are they'll be
involved in something
that benefits from the stadium.
So if a conflict of interest
is inevitable, it's OK?
Well, you want local input.
I mean, what's the conflict, really?
So when the board meet to decide
the catering contract,
Brian Noice steps out of the room
and his fellow directors say,
"Brian's a good guy
and a valuable board member,"
"and his company's sponsorship
is valuable"
"but we'll give the contract
to somebody else."
Well, why would they do that?
Exactly. Why would they?
So what's the problem?
Seriously?
It's OK that his company
benefits financially
from his position on the board?
That's business.
Oh, see, us public servants
don't understand business.
Do you want this project to happen?
I'm completely agnostic about it.
Agnostic or atheistic?
Well, what I'm not going to be
is a Hillsong happy clapper.
But are you excited about it?
Within the parameters
of being a public servant.
I have no interest in sport.
Jesus!
So no, I'm not excited.
I don't have an emotional attachment
to a proposed building
or a non-existent sporting team.
Put that on a bumper sticker.
Why'd they choose you, then?
(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)
Hi, Jameson.
Hey.
So I've been looking into Destiny,
and, um
You're on speaker!
You're on speaker and
Destiny is with me, Jameson, so
Uh OK. Well, uh
So
Uh, um
So
Um
Does her workspace comply
ergonomically with the guidelines?
What?
Oh yes.
Yes, it completely complies.
Yep. Check checked it out.
Great.
All good.
OK. Thanks, Jameson.
Sure. And, Destiny,
I will talk to you later.
Please do.
Just about work stuff, not Hugh.
Yep. Goodbye, Jameson.
OK. Bye.
As regards to the team nickname,
the Tassie Devils seems to be
the most popular.
Great.
Great.
Great - an animal known for its
facial tumours
that we only ever see as roadkill.
That's the image we want to go with?
But we would need to get
permission from Warner Brothers
to use the Tasmanian Devil.
How can they copyright a marsupial?
So if we didn't get it,
what are we left with?
A facial tumour.
Be an awesome costume.
The bigger issue with the term
'devils', though,
is the religious right in Tassie,
especially up north.
They are not going to be happy
with the connotations.
Yeah, right.
You don't think
we could convince them
that we're not actually
going to be worshipping Satan?
Do they think the GWS Giants
are actually giants?
Is 'giants' PC?
It really should be 'large people',
shouldn't it?
Sure.
From now on, we'll refer to them
as the Greater Western Sydney
Large People.
Assuming 'Greater' is OK.
It's a bit judge mental.
Yep. Fine. Let's go with the
Broader Western Sydney Large People.
OK.
Thanks, Angela.
There's a lot of people
not happy about this stadium.
They are really worried about it.
Can we address that in some way?
Yes.
Ah!
We'll build the stadium
and shut them up.
OK. Well, I've got to prep
for another focus group.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be with my trauma counsellor.
If anyone wants me,
I'll be in the toilet.
That makes it just
that little bit less likely.
Hey, I think you
and I need to do a bit of a re-set.
Maybe we should go for a drink
after work, over the road?
I'll be there about 5:00.
I've got yoga after work.
Don't get out till 7:00.
Perfect.
WOMAN: Hello, my darling boy!
Oh, God.
Oh. President?
Oh, sweetheart!
Also chair of
the Tasmanian Chamber of Nepotism.
Was she really the best candidate
for president?
Oh, by several million dollars,
which is a skill set
we'll make great use of.
Catherine!
No big ideas for you today.
Awww!
But you're still working on
my Antarctic training camp idea
anyway, aren't you?
Really pushing hard for it.
And my robot water carriers
and the goal posts with
the fireworks coming out the top?
All progressing as I'd hoped.
No, I just dropped
by to see how my boy's going.
Oh, OK.
Is he? Oh, tremendous.
His dad and I were worried
he might not be up to it,
but happy to be proven wrong.
He really appreciates that you both
respect him for who he is.
Well, that's amazing
that he feels like that.
Because the fact that I am
a wealthy businesswoman
should in no way influence
how you deal with him.
It doesn't.
Good.
I've been treating him like scum.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, good.
('WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES'
BY THE DOOBIE BROTHERS)
Uh, no, thank you.
So, men's team in the VFL in 2026.
Women's team, 2027.
Build a training and admin facility
and a stadium -
team in the AFL in 2028.
Back to Melbourne,
depose Alastair, run the AFL.
What about you?
Become the senior public servant
in Tasmania by the time I'm 35.
Why wait till then?
Identify your rivals.
Undermine them.
Stab them in the back.
See? It's my public service
naivety again.
This is probably
about my own mortality
but lately I've been noticing
how fabulous young people's skin is.
OK.
I've gotta go.
Hey, I didn't mean anything.
I'll see you tomorrow.
As she rises to her apology ♪
Shit.
MEN: (BELLOW)
Resistance is useless
We will keep you scoreless
In our evil reign
In our evil reign ♪
Morning!
Jameson?
Yeah. Um (CLEARS THROAT)
So, how do you reckon
it's all going, Hugh?
Good?
Amazing. Yeah.
Everything's, uh, being done
as per the contract and that?
Is Destiny asking you
to report to her about me,
the way I've asked you
to report to me about her?
No. No, no.
That conversation never happened.
The conversation where she
asked you to report on me?
No. I mean, yes.
Yes what?
Yes.
The conversation where she
asked me to report on you.
That conversation never happened?
No.
No, it did happen,
or no, it never happened?
Yes. It never happened.
I'm confused, because you said,
no, it never happened
and now, yes, it never happened.
So am I right in saying
that conversation never happened?
No.
It never happened?
Uh, no, you're not right.
It happened but it never happened.
Thank you.
Can I have a word?
Uh-huh.
I just want you to know that
I'm sincerely sorry for last night.
I was making a general observation
and I guess trying to pay you
a compliment.
But what I said was inappropriate.
It won't happen again
and I apologise
for any discomfort it made you feel.
I appreciate you'd be
within your rights to report this.
I would just
Don't worry about it.
You were drunk.
You're single, lonely,
hard to warm to, sex-starved
and I'm attractive - I get it.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I mean, I don't think
there was inherently
anything wrong with what I said
but, uh, because there's this
power imbalance between us, I
I don't think there's
a power imbalance.
Oh, well
Yeah. Great. Great.
It would have been really creepy
if there was a power imbalance.
It would have been a different
matter.
Right.
Well, great.
So we're good?
We're alright.
Good morning, good morning!
How are we?
George.
Morning, George.
Righto.
I'm just passing through
and I thought I would drop off
a sample of our product for you.
A side of our beautiful,
hot-smoked salmon.
Magic. Thank you very much.
Pleasure. Destiny?
Uh, no, thank you.
No? Come on.
Don't tell me that eating beautiful,
fresh Tassie produce
is a conflict of interest.
Accepting a gift in these
circumstances is inappropriate.
Destiny, come on.
He's not going to buy his way
into a catering contract
with a couple of pieces of fish.
Hey, they're whole sides of salmon.
It's not right.
I'm sorry, George.
Don't apologise for me.
Sorry. I apologise for me.
I respect your passion.
I respect your beliefs.
But come on. Oh! It's delicious.
Here.
Um, this is for you.
It's a whole side of smoked salmon.
Oh, I'm not eating that.
That mob feed 'em chicken shit.
Well, we've got Cradle Mountain
And we've got Mona Museum
We've got Salamanca Market
And a great footy team
We'll kick your arse! ♪
What the fuck have you two
been doing?
You haven't got a song or a location
for the training and admin centre.
You need to watch your tone.
Football Tasmania is soccer.
You're football.
See, soccer is football
and football's football
but Football Tasmania is soccer.
So, stadium over there
and potentially the training
and admin facility
somewhere around here.
Somewhere around this
sacred precinct.
What's that area over there?
Oh, that's government housing.
Oh, yeah. How much land?
Captions by Red Bee Media.
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation