Haha, You Clowns (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
-(VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ALIENS CHEERING)
You sure you want to stay?
My home is here now.
KATIE: Aw!
SARGE: (OVER TV) Never forget
what happened here today.
-WILL: Today is all we have.
-BOTH: "Today is all we have."
-(YELLING)
-(GUNSHOTS)
(ALIENS CHEERING)
Oh, and Will.
-Yep?
-SARGE: One last thing.
No more wamituktuk.
(CHUCKLES) Okay?
BOTH: Wamituktuk.
(ALL LAUGH)
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(LAUGHS)
Yes, Dad loves the movie!
It's just amazing
what they can do
with special effects these days.
How you doing on pop, Dad?
Pretzel?
-(CHUCKLES) It's a long story.
-Shut up and kiss me.
-(BOTH SMOOCH)
-(ALIENS CHEERING)
-(RECLINER LEVER RATTLES)
-Okay, I'm turning in.
Very funny, Dad.
Dad,
there's, like, five minutes.
Ah. The weather waits
for no one!
Popcorn! What can I get you?
Uh, gotta be in the news station
bright and early tomorrow.
-Have fun, kids.
-PRESTON: Dad!
-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-(DOOR CLOSING)
-Good movie.
-(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Dad seriously hasn't been
the same since Mom passed away.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WIND WHOOSHING)
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
And if you look right here,
we got sunshine all the way
through the weekend,
-into Monday, and those
temperatures are gonna be
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(GRUNTS) This is gonna be
my workout for today.
Uh, remember
to stay hydrated, guys.
Duncan, are those
Mom's prized petunias?
(HESITATES) I know she liked 'em
in those planters,
but I thought they might
do better over on this side.
The western sun
can pack a punch,
but fortune favors the bold.
(CHIMES)
Just please remember
to water them, Duncan.
I think Mom will be tickled.
(CHUCKLES)
(BILLIARD BALL CLATTERS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO) ♪
(BILLIARD BALLS CLATTER)
TRISTAN:
The Black Widow strikes again.
Oh, hi, boys.
I'm just recreating
my gold medal winning run
at the 2001 World Games
in Japan.
Aw, kudos, Jeanette!
Good on you for sticking at it.
-A shark never sleeps.
-(BILLIARD BALLS CLATTER)
I wish our Dad was a shark.
Yeah, Dad's been
super zonked lately.
He just never stays up
for movie nights anymore.
You know who gets super zonked
watching movies?
-PRESTON: No.
-JEANETTE: Sean Penn.
Wait, you know Sean Penn?
Very well. I'm reminded
of a pool tournament
in Dubai, actually. (BLOWS)
Sean was hiding
from the paparazzi
in my hotel room.
Okay, so what is
the paparazzi exactly?
They were trying to snap
a salacious photo
of the two of us
for the tabloids,
but we were just
really close friends.
-(BILLIARD BALLS CLATTER)
-Okay.
All night we waited
for the precise moment
Sean could sneak out of my room.
Of course, the longer we waited,
the worse it looked.
Oh my God.
Now, Sean was notorious
for zonking out.
Just like Dad.
And we only
had Dubai TV channels
to entertain us.
(INHALES) This is just getting
better and better.
Just when Sean
was about to zonk out,
his all-time favorite movie
came on the TV,
Lawrence of Arabia.
I just got goose pimples.
Long story even longer,
Sean finished his film,
evaded the tabloids,
and stayed happily married
to Robin Wright
for another seven years,
who I'm also friends with.
We still laugh about it
to this day.
(CHUCKLES)
Long story even longer.
So, if we play
Dad's favorite movie--
He'll stay up with us!
It's worth a shot.
-(BILLIARD BALL CLATTERS)
-(BROTHERS CHEER)
-DUNCAN: All right, Jeanette!
-(CHUCKLES)
(RUMBLING)
Enemy fleet, fast approaching.
Down, periscope.
-(METAL CLANGS)
-(THUDS)
-Good periscope!
-(PERISCOPE SQUEAKS)
-(PERISCOPE BARKS OVER TV)
-(ALL LAUGH)
They sure don't make 'em
like they used to.
-Right, Dad?
-A classic.
The Captain can't seem
to catch a break, huh, Dad?
Yeah, I think I read
he passed away
not too long ago, actually.
But, uh
But he's funny
as hell in this movie,
I can tell you that right now.
(BROTHERS LAUGH)
-CAPTAIN: My dearest wife.
-(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
A man is not meant
for these cold, dark waters.
How I miss thee.
-How I long
for your warm embrace
-(CLEARS THROAT, MUFFLED SOBS)
CAPTAIN: your soft lips,
your supple melons.
-(BROTHERS CHUCKLE)
-TRISTAN: Melons, Christ.
DAD: All right, I'm not sure
if I wanna stick around
-for this.
-What? No. Dad, he was referring
-to actual melons.
-DAD: Uh-huh.
It's not sex, Dad.
She's literally holding melons.
-It's not intercourse, Dad.
-Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
-Okay, all right.
-(DOOR CLOSING)
Can someone please explain to me
what just happened?
I don't know,
but I'm gonna make this right.
You can bet
your bottom dollar on that.
-(REVVING)
-Whoa!
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
I'm sure he wants to stay up.
Sometimes us wrinkly
fuddy-duddies
have trouble finishing movies.
Ain't that the truth.
"Wrinkly fuddy-duddies"?
If I look half as good
as you two ladies at your age,
I'm gonna be thanking
my lucky stars.
(SIGHS) Here we go.
Why can't young men
be more like you, Preston?
Somethin' tells me
this gentleman
has a story to tell, ladies.
Jalapeño popper?
Wow, that's quite a shirt
you have on!
-Aw! Thank you.
-And look at that, Dory.
The design wraps
all the way around.
Ruth, you sew! Wh--
How do they even do that?
Oh, they must have printed
on the fabric first.
Then they sew
the garment together after.
So what's the "Terror Within"?
Terror Within?
Oh, it's like the grand daddy
of horror movies.
(MUNCHING)
First time I saw Terror Within,
I didn't sleep for like a week.
Very interesting.
(CRACKS KNUCKLES)
Didn't sleep for a whole week,
you say?
They're on sale for 7.99.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYS,
CONCLUDES) ♪
"The Terror Within.
Agatha, a convict on the run,
seeks out her reclusive mother
in hopes of tracking down
her missing daughter.
Journeying
into the mouth of Hell,
Agatha will stop at nothing,
even if that means confronting
her terrifying past."
Dad's gonna be too scared
to sleep for a whole month.
And it says here,
"It's a horrifying examination
-of intergenerational trauma."
-That's amazing.
And the
San Francisco Times says,
"It's a modern-day retelling
of Little Red Riding Hood'!"
PRESTON:
Penny for your thoughts, Duncan.
Or do you just have petunias
in there?
We could always try another one
of Dad's favorite movies.
Duncan, if you're too scared,
we can totally
watch something else.
-No, I'm I'm not scared.
-Seriously, Duncan.
-Seriously, I'm not scared.
-Hold up.
Duncan is scared
of watching Terror Within.
-True or false?
-False.
(SNIFFS)
Duncan's not scared.
False alarm.
And come hungry,
I got everyone's
favorite ice cream for tonight.
Peanut butter swirl for Tristan.
Chocolate macadamia crunch
for Duncan.
Did you get Dad
cookies 'n cream?
He'll only eat cookies 'n cream.
It's all under control, Duncan.
The last thing
I want you guys to do is worry.
That's my job.
Here. Take this
if you get too scared.
-The truth is,
Tristan, I am scared.
-(REFLECTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm scared of this family
falling apart.
(PRESTON BLOWS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
It's the only way.
(OMINOUS GASPING)
Honey?
(GASPS)
Who are you? Wh-- Where am I?
-Wow.
-(BREATHES SHAKILY)
Was last night
that forgettable? (KISSES)
(MOANS)
(CUTLERY CLINKS)
(MUNCHING) I like Nabeela.
She's just what Agatha needs
right now.
So, is that Agatha's friend?
Dang, Dad.
You cleaned your bowl.
Mm. You'll have to give me
the recipe.
-Yum, yum, yum. Mm!
-(CHUCKLES)
-(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CROWS CAWING)
NABEELA: (OVER CELL PHONE)
You're not making any sense,
Agatha.
-Where are you?
-(TIRES SCREECH)
-I have to go.
-NABEELA: Agatha!
DAD: Think fast.
-Dad's firing torpedoes tonight.
-Down, periscope.
Give me a doggy treat!
(IMITATES DOG'S BARK)
Pass the pig skin! I'm open!
(SCOFFS)
Don't you mean pass the melon?
(GRUNTS, HUFFS)
Interception by Preston!
Mom, is that you?
Preston Hail Marys to Dad!
(LAUGHS) Wamituktuk, wamituktuk!
Dad!
-(SCREAMS)
-(SCREECHES)
Eat shit!
(SHATTERS)
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Boys, I'm so sorry.
-No, Dad, we need to apologize.
Oh my God, Dad,
you did nothing wrong.
We're the ones
that made you stay up.
-Huh?
-I'll take the heat, fellas.
The scary movie
was my brilliant idea.
As for the ice cream,
I secretly laced Dad's bowl
with pre-workout powder.
(SIGHING)
For an extra boost of energy.
Uh, it's like I need
a movie night
to work so badly
that I'll stop at nothing.
But I'm the eldest.
And I should have been
leading by example.
-I killed Mom's petunias.
-Killed Mom's petunias?
You bonked your head, Duncan?
I've never seen 'em so hearty.
Those are fakes.
I overwatered the real ones.
I wanted to make you guys proud.
But I'm as phony
as those silk petunias out back.
The worst part is,
I made Mom upset.
Hogwash.
If your mother was still alive,
she'd be proud of all you boys.
I know I am.
Well, the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.
I can tell you that.
The truth is, I miss your mom
so much it hurts.
But I'm reminded
of her every day
when I look
into each one of your faces.
(SIGHS) I've made a real mess
of movie night, haven't I?
I don't know.
The green blob kind of enhances
the movie, actually.
(CHUCKLES)
We find out the green blob
is actually zombie blood
or something. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
They should rename the movie
"Dad, the Zombie Killer."
(ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
-(MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Back at Mom's good graces,
I see. Congratulations.
For accomplishing your mission,
you've been promoted
to Chief Corporal Officer.
(CHUCKLES) The insectoids
are attacking our base.
Will you fight with us?
-Today is all we have.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DUNCAN: Oh, he's gone
past this way! Shoot him!
PRESTON: Shoot him for me!
-(TRISTAN GROANS)
-(BROTHERS LAUGH)
-DUNCAN: Fall back! Fall back!
-PRESTON: Don't let him escape!
-DUNCAN: Oh, get 'em! Get 'em!
-(WATER SPLASHING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪