Half Man (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
I'm not speaking about this.
You don't have to speak.
You have to listen.
Really?
You pick today?
My fucking wedding?
Come on, Ruben. Stop messing.
Put your top back on.
Fuck's sake.
Oh.
Oh, Niall. Mm.
Hey, come here.
Yeah? Come here.
I am proud of you, yeah?
You know that?
You look gorgeous,
so you do, huh?
I tell you, if I wasn't family,
I'd get up and underneath
that kilt right away.
- Ruben. Ruben, don't.
- What?
I'm telling you, you look
gorgeous. Come on, show me.
There's nothing to show, Ruben.
I've got boxers on underneath,
for Christ's sake.
Aw! Boxers.
Stop teasing me,
you little minx.
Oh. Hey. Here.
Come here.
Look at me, look at me.
Listen.
Look at me. Hmm? Hey.
We might not flow
through each other's veins,
but we flow
through each other's brains,
- you get me?
- Please, I don't think that
One more time, eh?
For old time's sake.
I just need to hear it.
- Before I lose you forever.
- You're not serious.
Go on. Say it. What am I?
Your brother from?
Another lover.
Beautiful.
Come on.
Give us your best,
you little fag.
What is this, Niall?
Oh, fucking stickers.
Indiana Jones?
That film is gay as fuck.
- I'm gonna have these.
- No, please! Gus!
You fuck.
You can keep one, okay?
I'm not a monster.
Pick one.
- Second to last.
- Good.
Open up.
Okay, degenerates,
settle down, settle down.
Right.
As we know, the prelim exams
start this week.
Are we aware
of how important they are?
Prelims are your safety net.
For whatever reason,
you miss your finals.
You get hit by a bus,
you come down
with the bubonic plague
These exams are your "get
out of jail with an appeal" card.
Have I emphasized
their importance enough?
- Yes.
- Positively spellbinding.
Right. Moving on.
I should probably make you aware
that a new student will be
joining the class from tomorrow.
One Ruben Pallister.
What?
Something the matter, Kennedy?
No, no, it's just
Did you just say
Ruben Pallister?
That's right.
A new pupil you can show off
your sparkling personality to.
Ruben will be transferring
from Polmont
Young Offenders Institute,
and will be re-sitting
two years,
which means
he'll be a little more feral
than the rest of you.
Any questions?
Nobody. Good.
Open your jotters.
We'll pick up
where we left off yesterday.
Page 16.
Kennedy?
Did you listen to
what I just said?
What? Yeah. 'Course.
What did I just say then?
Ruben's back.
Mum, it's Niall.
Honey, I'm working. What is it?
It's It's Ruben. He's out.
He's coming to school.
Look, love,
now is not the time, all right?
He's not staying with us, is he?
We can talk about this
when I pick you up.
But, Mum
You should have said
about Ruben.
Oh, piss yourself!
You're a 15-year-old boy.
I've given you life I don't
need to give you respect.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I should've told you.
And keeping with
the theme of surprises,
he's moved into your room.
What? No way!
What did you think
that second bed was for?
We were almost begging you
to ask.
- I thought it was for guests.
- He is a guest.
No, he's not. He's a psycho.
He bit someone's nose off.
I've seen the guy, too.
It's horrible.
His wife left him
and everything.
Look, you're not
to talk about this, okay?
Nobody in this town
knows about that.
The last thing that boy needs
is folk whispering.
Don't bite
people's noses off then.
No.
You're not to speak this way
- in front of Maura, all right?
- Oh, you always put her first.
She was only supposed
to be living with us
for six months.
And now her kid is moving in?
Come on, Mum. He's a psycho!
Her son getting out
is a big deal.
He's been away for two years.
For Christ's sake.
This is happening, Niall,
so get used to it.
Remember me, Bambi?
Last time I saw you,
you were about yea high.
Grown at least two feet
since then.
Maybe more.
You've got the exact
same sized head though.
It's creeping me out a bit.
You helping, or what?
We can't have this shit up.
Not if we're bringing
birds home.
Here.
Get to it then, Bambi.
Grab a bag, get stuffing.
Here. Take that poster down
and put this up.
Put it up then, you dick!
What the fuck you staring at?
What? Nothing.
Looks like
Pallister's a no-show.
Off to a great start.
All right, everyone,
open your jotters.
We'll pick up from yesterday.
Right, what's going on here?
Kennedy.
Open your jotter.
No.
Open, boy.
Who did this?
Own up. Come on.
Uh Me, sir.
You? You called
your own mum a dyke?
No, I I I called
someone else's mum a dyke.
Really? I know firsthand
from your essays,
your grasp of irony
isn't that strong.
So, come on. Who did this?
- My mum's not a lesbian.
- I beg your pardon?
I said, my mum
is not a fucking lesbian!
- Right, come with me.
- Get off me, you nonce!
- What did you say?
- Like to touch young boys, do you?
You fucking old poof!
I'm just wondering
if there's something else
we should be worrying about.
What are you insinuating?
All I'm saying is I've seen
a change in Niall recently.
And what change is that then?
Well, he's gone from being
a committed, gifted student
to one that acts out
in most lessons.
Say it. Go on!
I know you want to.
Well, we have
to call into question
Niall's rather unusual
state of affairs at home.
You don't know anything
about my damn home!
You fucking little
fucking bastard, you!
Oi, Rube!
I know you're up there!
What the f?
I've been sitting about,
like a mug, all day, waiting.
- Is that your dad?
- Shut the fuck up.
I don't wait
no cunts, you hear me?
Goddammit! I'm not a mug!
I'm nobody's fucking mug.
You get down here,
and explain why
you're staying with that dyke
and not me!
Ruben, son,
we can start again, eh?
Why don't you give
your old man a big hug, eh?
Don't think
I can't see you, boy!
I can see you
behind the fucking curtain!
Wee man! Come on!
I'll get I'll get Mum.
I'll have it out with that bitch
right now if I have to!
Don't you fucking dare!
Not a word, okay?
Not a fucking word.
I I can't breathe, Ruben
- I don't care. Shut your mouth.
- Fuck!
You don't tell
anyone about this.
Do you understand?
This never happened.
So, boys,
I am not sure whether you heard
all that commotion last night?
No, we were asleep. Both of us.
Oh! Right.
Well, that's okay then.
Ignore me.
Fuck are you staring at?
Just seeing if you're all right.
- Why wouldn't I be?
- It's just last night
- Fuck last night.
- No, yeah. Absolutely.
Fuck last night.
So you nervous, or?
Why the fuck would I be nervous?
- Well, first day of school.
- This is Dilkennie.
It's where the fairies go.
Oi! Soft cock!
That your boyfriend?
Ignore them.
These guys bothering you, Bambi?
Nah, it's just banter.
Take after your mum
do you, you little faggot?
Great banter.
These guys bothering you, Bambi?
I'll ask you again.
Are these guys bothering you?
- Is that a knife? What?
- Go to school.
Go to school. You're not a witness
if you don't see what happens.
- But I
- Just fucking go!
At the heart
of this relentless conflict
lies a love story.
Ah, Mr. Pallister.
Nice of you to fit us
into your busy schedule.
Boys and girls, this is Ruben.
Ruben will be joining us
from now on.
Where's your school uniform?
On your mother's floor.
That's enough, everyone.
Desk at the back.
And for the record,
my mum's dead.
So, extra points for nihilism.
Right.
As I was saying, two households,
like families,
both in a bitter feud
You been working out, Niall?
Certainly has.
Now there's only
an inch of space
when I cup my hand
around his bicep.
Used to be at least two,
three maybe.
Right, I'm going to my room.
No, don't!
Sit down, you little killjoy.
We need you to persuade Ruben
to go to the exam tomorrow.
- What? No way.
- Niall, please.
- Mm-mm.
- Do this for us.
- What you doing?
- I'm
- being cute.
- Stop that. I'm not a kid.
- That's exactly what you are.
- What you doing?
- Get off me. Get off me.
- Oh, come on.
- Stop! Get off! Get off!
- Do this for me.
Niall, I need you to do this.
- Come on. Please. Come on.
- Get off me.
Come on. Come on.
- Just this one thing.
- Get off, please!
I said get off me!
I'll take it from here.
Okay. That
was a fairly sizable misfire
on our part.
She's making
all the effort in the world.
I don't care.
We're not friends.
We never will be.
Come on,
you fancied the pants off of her
when you were a wee 'un.
Remember the love letters
we'd send to her house
on Valentine's Day?
Fine. Playtime's over.
Look, will you speak
to him at least?
No!
- No, he's terrifying.
- Oh, come on, Niall.
You wouldn't believe
how hard Maura had to work
to get Ruben into Dilkennie.
She changed her postcodes
and everything.
He's on probation too,
so he needs to show up
and pass this prelim,
or the school will kick him out.
What did you see?
- What What do you mean?
- Am I speaking foreign?
Dance. I saw you dance.
You tell anyone about this,
I will put you to sleep.
- Do you understand?
- I won't.
- I mean I mean, I thought it was great.
- Thought what was great?
Nothing.
What do you want?
Just a quick something
that's come to me, just now,
in the moment.
I was thinking
about the exam tomorrow.
- Fuck off.
- Right you are.
Your dad.
What about him?
How old were you again?
I was eight
when he died.
What did he do again?
He was a writer.
Oh, yeah?
I don't remember that.
Well, he worked
in a pub mainly, but
he wanted to be a writer.
And what did he write about?
Working in a pub.
He was really good, though.
I've read all his stuff.
He was so close
to getting published in the end.
What stopped him?
Well
death.
It's why I wanna give it
a shot myself, you know.
- You write too?
- I I keep a diary.
- That doesn't count.
- Try saying that to Anne Frank.
Who?
No, she was just
It doesn't matter.
What happened to Gus?
He'll survive.
I just thought, with the knife,
you'd done something,
you know,
really bad.
Almost did.
Had him up against the wall
with it, guppying like mad.
Whispered, "It'll be over soon."
So he thought for a second
I was gonna stick it
in him proper.
"It'll be over soon."
Yeah, I love saying that.
You really get a sense
of what a cunt looks like
when they think
they're gonna die.
Sort of infant-like.
He's all innocent and shit.
It's weird.
"It'll be over soon."
Night, Bambers.
Night.
- Where's your bulldog now, eh?
- Back off!
Not until you tell us
where Gus is.
- I don't know.
- We know you live with that inbred prick.
He's bound
to have said something.
We don't talk.
Oi!
Leave him alone.
Let's smoke this son of a bitch!
Whoo! Whoo! My man! Come on!
Pallister, nice of you to join.
Please refrain
from shouting out.
It's only prelims.
Where am I sitting?
There's an empty chair there,
two rows along.
Please move quietly.
All right, guys.
We have ten minutes left.
Ten minutes? Get fucked.
Language, Pallister.
I started later than everyone.
Well, I'm afraid
the onus is on you there.
Piss off, Jenkins. I shagged
your mum in her onus!
Pallister! Get back here!
Pallister.
Don't you walk away
from me, son.
Oi! I'm speaking to you.
All right, guys, not long now.
- The school phoned.
- Oh, Jesus. What now?
Ruben passed.
He passed the prelim.
He can stay in school now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
You helped him, didn't you?
Oh, no, I
Last night, I heard you talking.
Thank you.
I mean that.
I know we haven't always seen
eye to eye.
Mainly 'cause
you're a little brat
who blames me for everything.
I do think you could be
a positive influence on my boy.
Thanks
I think.
Nah, that feels weird.
Let's never do that again.
Gotta keep it down.
Bambi's sleeping.
Mm!
Isn't it a bit weird doing this
- with wee Niall in the room?
- Nah, I don't care.
I passed the prelims today,
and I did it
- in a speck of the time every other fucker did.
- - Stop it, Ruben.
If I swoon anymore,
I'm gonna put my back out.
Keep it down.
I thought you said you didn't
care about him hearing.
I don't. I just don't want
my mum rubbing one over you.
Here, take these off.
I wanna feel your skin
on my skin.
Oh, baby.
Get here, you.
Caught you, Niall Kennedy.
What? No, I was sleeping.
- Fuck off. We saw you.
- I wasn't. I was sleeping.
Liar. At least admit it,
you little scrote.
- You were perving!
- Pervy little Niall Kennedy, eh?
So, tell me.
Did you see anything
that you liked?
Quite something, huh?
Is this the first time
you've seen a naked woman?
In the flesh?
And what do you think?
She
She looks
What would you do to her, Niall?
If you could have your way?
Go on.
I
I would I would
I'd I'd ask her
for her permission, obviously.
Fucking loser,
aren't you, Bambi?
- Touch my breasts, Niall.
- What?
Uh
Here, let's see
how he's getting on, shall we?
- Hmm.
- What?
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- It's fine, Bambi.
Just relax, okay?
Let her do her thing.
Wow, nothing.
What's going on?
You got something against Mona?
- Is it my boobs?
- What?
No, it's just
this isn't how I pictured it.
How did you picture it, then?
More than one woman?
That's it, isn't it?
Niall here loves group sex!
- No! No, I don't.
- Yeah?
Well, little Niall Kennedy loves
a bit of group sex!
Well, I could assume
different characters if you like?
I could be, uh
Candy.
The blonde bombshell
who lives next door.
Or I could be, uh
Svetlana,
Russian warrior of the North.
She's incredible,
isn't she, Niall?
Definitely a keeper!
Uh-uh.
Svetlana is kept by no one.
How's he getting on now, then?
- Come on, son!
- I
I got full marks
on my standard grades
back in the day, Niall.
I know you love a nerd.
Here.
Just focus on how things feel.
Give me your finger.
- Oh, hello!
- Here we go! My man!
You ready?
That's it, that's it.
Easy, boy. Easy.
Steady, steady.
Trot, don't gallop.
Oh, wow!
He's a grower, young Niall.
- Sorry.
- Oh!
- Back you go, mister.
- No, no, no, wait.
Stop fighting.
Let her do her thing.
- Here, I'll hold it upright.
- What?
Now, hold it, son. Hold it.
Follow my rhythm.
Wow.
He's really going for it now.
Fuck's sake!
Did you just cum in me?
- You fucking did, you mink!
- Oh, no!
Profiterole! Niall, son,
you need to pull out!
Fuck's sake!
I better not be pregnant.
I I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to.
It just It
It came out of nowhere.
Relax, son. It's fine.
But, I mean, like,
wh what happens now?
Will I get the virus?
What?
Do you mean AIDS?
- Aw!
- Lie back, you daft cunt.
So, is that it then?
That's it, Bambi.
I was just thinking.
Do you have any
hash?
Wake and bake, Niall Kennedy.
Dark horse, my man!
Niall Kennedy, eh?
Sex god. Drug fiend.
"Will I get the virus?"
Oh.
Oh, I feel like an idiot.
Nah, you're good.
I know what you did.
As in?
The exam.
Oh.
I've never seen her
look at me like that before.
I've seen her cry, loads.
You know, but
I like this.
It works.
What did you make of Mona then?
Yeah, I liked her.
Yeah, you fucking did.
You can thank me
when you're ready.
Well, someone had to lose
your virginity for you, didn't they?
Oh, come on.
You didn't think
that was chance, did you?
There's no way
a lassie would take time out
from sleeping with me
to sleep with you.
I set it up.
My way of saying thanks.
Oh.
So, come on.
Tell me you loved it.
I loved it.
Yeah, you did.
I should run a brothel
or something.
I'm like the pied piper
of pussy.
"The pied piper of pussy."
I'm I'm imagining
these massive vaginas
with legs following you around.
You're a minger, Bambi.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Are our mums, you know?
Fucking?
Yeah, afraid so.
Does it bother you or something?
No. No, not really.
As long as they're happy,
I guess.
Although they don't seem
all that happy.
There's a lot
you don't know about.
Here.
Got you something.
I'm gonna train you.
Just in case
something happens to me,
I need to know
you'll look after yourself.
Why do you care?
We're family now.
That's the most important thing.
My brother from another lover.
Come on, boys! School!
Bring those bin bags down
while you're at it.
This is gonna be some morning.
We'll be floating to school
after all that.
Hey.
You've got nothing
to worry about with our mums.
Ten years' time,
you'll be at a party somewhere
and realize
it makes you more interesting.
Later, Bambers.
Won't work, Bambi.
Here, have a sip.
Come on.
Here.
Here.
Have at that.
Have a bit of that.
Hey, easy. Sip, don't chug.
Come on. That's it.
Jesus, you're dripping.
Let's sort this out.
Look at the state of you.
All right?
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
Hey, hey,
it's gonna be all right.
Don't Hey, come on.
Niall! N
- Ruben, please. Please!
Hey, hey, settle, settle.
- Settle. All right, settle?
- Don't do this to me.
- Don't do this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Settle, settle.
Just breathe. Hey.
Hey, it's fine.
All right? It's fine.
Just settle a bit. Settle.
Here. Follow my breath.
- That's not following my breath.
- I can't.
- Follow it.
- I can't.
Try. Yes, you can.
You fucking can.
Come on. Come on. Follow it.
That's it. Hey! See?
Deep breath. Yeah.
That's it, go with it,
go with it.
In and out. That's it.
That's a boy.
Just breathe.
Okay, I'm here for you.
Just keep breathing.
That's it. That's a boy.
Don't worry.
It'll be over soon.