Happy Days (1974) s01e01 Episode Script

1
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
Put your glad rags on, join me, hon
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes two, three, and four
If the band slows down, we'll yell for more
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the chimes ring five, six, and seven
We'll be right in seventh heaven
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then
Start a-rockin' 'round the clock again
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
Hi, Fonzie.
Have you seen Potsie around?
Oh, great. Thanks a lot. I'll see you, Fonzie.
Thought you'd never get here.
- What's up? I got the message.
- Not now. Later.
Right now Ralph Malph's gonna show us his hickey. Come on.
- Where'd you get it?
- Hey.
Let's see it.
Wow, look at that.
Doesn't look like a hickey.
Of course it doesn't look like a hickey.
You can't walk around with teeth marks on your neck.
Suppose your old man sees them. Don't you know anything?
Ralph. Hey, Ralph.
Come on. I got something to show you.
- What?
- Come on.
I, The Jury by Mickey Spillane?
Yeah, I bought it for you. You owe me 25 cents.
Why'd you buy it for me?
You'll need it for Mary Lou
Milligan. I fixed you up with her.
- You did what?
- You said you liked her.
Did Mary Lou say she wanted to go out with me?
Yeah. So I took the opportunity
and I told Mary Lou all about you.
- Hey, get off my car, huh?
- Ow!
I just waxed it.
Wow, Mary Lou's as sexy as Brigitte Bardot.
I know. I know a lot about her.
I sit right behind her in English.
There's things you probably
don't know about her from English.
- Like what?
- Like she's kind of got a reputation.
- Mary Lou?
- She once even dated a sailor.
Did she ever go out with you?
- Are you kidding me?
- She did?
- Are you kidding me?
- I don't know. Am I kidding you?
If you don't believe me, we can forget it.
- Keep your shirt on.
- Okay, well, we better get in,
because she should be there any minute.
You know, I'm trying to develop a D.A.,
but my mother wants me to get a crew cut.
My brother once had a crew cut.
I know. It looked like the crew bailed out.
Listen, what'd you tell Mary Lou about me, anyway?
I told her you were mature and worldly.
- Well, I hope you didn't overdo it.
- I had to.
She's not interested in going around with kids.
She wants a man of the world. She loves seniors.
Oh, Potsie, this is ridiculous.
She's in my English and history class.
- She knows I'm a junior.
- Don't worry. I took care of that.
I told her you've been left back.
Three times.
I figure it'll go zero to 70 in six seconds.
It's got an lsky cam, and it's loaded with chrome goodies.
- Oh, how about seat belts?
- What's seat belts?
Like safety belts pilots wear.
I read about them in Popular Mechanics.
Popular Mechanics? I only read Hot Rod,
and it didn't say nothing in there yet.
- There she is, Rich.
- Who?
Mary Lou Milligan.
Let's go.
Anyway, I got a '39 box
- I won't know what to say to her.
- That's why I got you the book.
Then she knows you're not inexperienced about things.
- I show her the book?
- No, you read her the good parts.
And the best way to show you've
been around is, when you read, sort of:
Laugh it off, like you've been there already.
Wait a minute.
Gee, Potsie, I shouldn't be meeting a girl today.
I didn't even get a chance to shave yet.
- Hi, Mary Lou.
- Hi yourself.
Richie Cunningham, you know Mary Lou Milligan.
- Hi, Richie Cunningham.
- Hi.
You know, I sit right behind you in English.
I hear you breathing back there.
Since I pulled my hair back, I can hear everything.
Ahem. My friend Rich is reading, heh-heh,
I, The Jury by Mickey Spillane.
Mary Lou, wouldn't you like
to hear Rich read some good parts out loud?
Okay by me.
Heh. There, you see, Rich? Go ahead. Just read.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
"L, The Jury, by Mickey Spillane.
Copyright, 1947, by E.P. Dutton and Company, Incorporated.
All rights reserved. No part of this book"
You read nice, Richie. I feel like I'm in English.
Well, I won the reading-comprehension medal
when I graduated from grammar school.
You're cute, you know. You look a little like Pat Boone.
You have a clean face.
I try and wash my face at least two or three times a day.
- My friend Dorothy wants to go now.
- Okay.
Oh, wait a sec.
Rich has something to ask you. Don't you, Rich?
- What?
- Oh, yeah. That's right.
I was wondering if
I'd like to take you to a movie
tonight, that is, if you can go.
Oh, I'm stuck tonight. I have to babysit for Mrs. Kelly.
Oh, well, maybe some other time.
Tonight's all right. If you wanna help me babysit.
Sure, I do.
Well, then, I'll see you at the Kellys' around 8:30. Okay?
- Fine.
- See you.
So long.
Babysitting with Mary Lou Milligan. Man, oh, man.
- You got it made in the shade.
- Eight-thirty.
Doesn't Richard look nice tonight.
He's got stinky stuff on his hair.
Is that what that smell is? I thought the milk was sour.
But you haven't touched your food, dear.
Oh, he's touched it a lot. He just hasn't eaten any of it.
- Is something bothering you, Richard?
- No, Mom, I'm fine.
Looks to me like he's got girl problems.
What makes you think you're so smart, Chuck?
Certainly not his grades from last semester.
Chuck is doing much better this year, dear.
Well, why shouldn't he?
He's taking the same courses again. Right, Chuck?
- Right, Dad.
- Now, you see?
Well, I gotta go to basketball practise.
You want any more coffee, dear?
No. I think I'll just go out back
and get some fresh air, Marion.
Howard. Howard, HOWARD: Mm?
Something is bothering Richard. He didn't eat a thing.
The meal wasn't that terrific, Marion.
- Howard.
- I'm just joking.
Now, look, will you stop worrying about Richard?
He's just got growing pains.
And he's gonna have more pain than me because he's taller.
You know they're all gonna be taller than me, Marion?
It's the fertilizer.
What fertilizer?
The fertilizer the farmers use when they grow food now.
- What can we do to help Richard?
- Nothing. He'll outgrow them.
I did, you did, Eisenhower did.
I liked Truman better. He's shorter.
- You all set, Rich?
- Yeah, almost.
Well, you better get going or
she'll think you're not coming.
Now, remember, when she twists
her hair, she wants a French kiss.
And she loves when you blow in her ear.
All right, but tell me what you did
so I don't do exactly the same thing.
It might look suspicious, know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, maybe you got a point.
Okay, let me think.
- First I turned down the lights.
- Uh-huh.
Put on "My Prayer" by The Platters.
Put arm around back of couch,
- so it's around her
- Which arm?
That depends on which side you're sitting on.
If you're right-handed, sit on the left side or vice versa.
You keep your strongest hand free.
Right. And I brought this just in case.
- What are you, crazy?
- It's a brassiere closed by hooks.
- So?
- Hooks are hard to open.
Did you ever take out a girl with hooks?
Well
No, all my girls had buttons.
Buttons? Rich, it's either snaps or hooks.
Oh, well, I meant snaps.
Well, you better practise, just in case.
- Practise?
- Yeah.
You don't say "open sesame" and it unhooks.
Well, I like it to be romantic.
I'm just gonna do it my way, all right? I'm going.
Okay. I didn't know I was dealing with Cary Grant.
Ah. Hi, Fonzie.
Look what some jerk left on the radiator. Heh.
Boy, oh, boy, there's sure some do does around here.
What are you doing here?
You're not afraid of Mary Lou Milligan.
No, I
just never dated a girl
who went out with a sailor before, you know?
Are you chicken?
No, I'm not chicken.
I'm going.
Go on. You'll do all right.
Hi, Cunningham.
- Where are you going?
- All the way.
Gee, you know, this is really a nice place.
- I don't live here. This is the Kellys'.
- Oh, yeah. I know.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- So let's talk.
- Talk?
- Yeah, talk.
- Hmm.
And then whatever.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Whatever.
Well, what did you wanna talk about?
I don't know.
- You.
- Me?
Oh.
Well, I live on Ridge Street,
and my father owns a hardware
store on the corner of Alcott
We don't really have to talk.
Oh.
Fine.
You know, you're right. You can talk any time.
You can talk at school. I have a better idea.
- Why don't we read?
- Okay by me.
Do you want me to turn down the lights?
Yeah. No.
Only that little one. I don't wanna get eye strain.
My mother would kill me if I came
home tonight needing glasses.
Oh, yeah.
Uhm.
"Her eyes were blazing into mine."
I was only human.
I bent over her, taking her mouth on mine.
Her body
"was a hot flame."
- Do you feel a draught in here?
- No.
That was me blowing in your ear.
Oh.
You wanna neck?
Sure.
If you think this is the right time, sure.
Okay. Heh.
Wait a minute.
Hmm.
- Didn't you like the gum?
- Oh, it was a little stiff.
Tasted like cardboard.
Oh.
- Ow!
- What's wrong?
You kiss funny.
- Funny?
- Yeah,
you kiss with your mouth closed so tight.
Oh, did I do that?
You know, I wasn't even aware of
it. I'll pay more attention next time.
Excuse me.
Could we sit down on the couch for this next thing?
- Okay by me.
- Great.
Um
- What's the matter?
- Could we switch sides?
You see, I'm right-handed.
Oh, sure.
- Is that in the book?
- No, I got that one on my own. Heh.
- What are you doing back there?
- Back where?
- I don't do things like that.
- You don't?
No. I'm sorry.
He didn't tell me what to do if you said no.
- What?
- Nothing.
It's just that you liked the book,
and you twisted your hair a lot.
I always twist my hair a lot.
If you don't like it, just say so.
Don't grab my sweater.
- You'll stretch it.
- I'm sorry.
But listen, this is real good material.
- This won't stretch much.
- Oh, let's do something else.
Really?
I mean, that's really a good idea.
Look, there's a chess set.
Oh. But you have to be smart to play.
- Oh, no, you don't. I'll show you.
- Really?
Sure. My father taught me.
- Oh, okay.
- You see
You see, this is a castle,
this is a knight, this is a bishop, and this is the king.
Now, the object of the game
is for you to try to take my king.
I won.
No.
We better start from the beginning.
Okay, Richie, let's dig it out. Let's dig it out, Richie.
Come on, Rich. I'm your best friend.
You can tell me. How far did you get?
All I'm saying is Mary Lou's a nice girl.
You didn't get very far.
- Lay off, Potsie, will you?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey, Cunningham.
Dorothy Roadwald says you did a
little babysitting over the weekend.
Well, did you?
Tell them.
- You know something?
- Hi, Richie.
It was fun the other night.
Let's do it again real soon.
Fine. MARY LOU: Call me.
- Sure.
- Okay.
See you.
You did, huh, Rich?
Well, I better go take my swings now.
Did you, Richie?
You kidding?
He's my best friend.
Okay, Richie. Here's my curve ball. Heads up.
Okay, Richard, what's bothering you?
What? I'm in the shower.
Well, I guessed that's where you were.
Your mother says you've been moping
around here for the last couple days.
- Now, what's the problem?
- Can't we talk later?
We're leaving for Aunt Bessie's
just as soon as Milton Berle is over with.
I need a few laughs before Aunt Bessie.
I can't stand Aunt Bessie.
- What's up?
- I don't know if I can
- talk about it with you.
- Why not?
Well, it's sexual.
Richard,
sex is exactly what a son should discuss with his father.
I mean, you don't wanna learn about
it on some street corner, now, do you?
- Now, what's the problem?
- Well, this friend of mine, see
It's always a friend.
He said he did something because
everybody else said they did.
He didn't wanna be the only one,
so he said he did, but he didn't,
because she wouldn't and he was embarrassed he didn't.
I have no idea what you're saying.
Your mother does that to me lately.
Here.
Thanks.
My friend lied to everybody about a girl.
Oh, well, it's obvious that the lie is bothering him
and he ought to go back and tell the truth.
To everybody? I mean, even Fonzie?
- What's a Fonzie?
- Arthur Fonzarelli.
He dropped out of school.
Well, at least your brother will have company.
Why do you use such hot water?
It's a little embarrassing to tell the truth.
I mean, for my friend.
Richard, if it was easy, there'd be no problem, huh?
And then your friend wouldn't be moping around all the time.
Now, when I was your age
Yeah? MARION: Howard,
you're missing Uncle Miltie wearing a dress.
I'll be right there.
Truth is the best answer, believe me.
Then you, your friend, the girl
and this Fonzie person will all feel
much better. Take my word for it.
Howard, hurry up. He's kissing the men from Texaco.
I'll be right there. I gotta change my shirt.
I just took a shower with Richard.
He wore that same dress last week. The hat's different.
So I told all the guys I lied.
Except Fonzie, and I'll tell him today.
That's funny.
Funny? What's funny?
The boys are always saying I did things with them,
and you said I didn't.
But we didn't.
You mean you didn't with the other guys either?
No. Just kissing. I like to kiss.
And you don't mind
- what everybody says about you?
- Who listens?
Potsie listens.
Well, I mean, what can you do?
The gym teacher, he told me
built girls always get talked about.
He tried to grab my sweater too.
Mr. Brockington?
Yeah. Good old Mr. B.
Anyway, thank you for what you did.
- Oh, well, I feel
- And I meant to tell you,
you're very smart for someone who was left back three times.
Well, I
Thank you. Heh.
Oh, hey, there's Fonzie. Well, I'll see you later.
I'm going to the girls' room to check my face.
- Oh, all right, see you.
- Okay. Bye.
Hey, Fonzie. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Well, remember the other day I was telling you
about me and Mary Lou Milligan?
Well, the fact is
I played chess.
You played with her chest?
No, chess, Fonzie. The game chess.
- We didn't do anything. I lied.
- Oh.
- So I thought I should probably
- You know, that makes me mad.
- I don't like to make you mad
- You know, I mean,
seeing how you said you did, I figured you did, she did,
so I got a date with her myself this afternoon.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna waste
a whole day and gas.
- She kisses real good.
- I polish my bike for a kiss?
- I'm really sorry.
- Come here.
I'm gonna forget it this time, but no more lying.
I'll do all the lying.
Hi, Fonzie. I'm ready. Let's ride.
This is gonna be fun. This is really gonna be fun.
It ain't gonna be that much fun.
- We're in like Flynn.
- What do you mean?
I found out who gave Ralph Malph his hickey.
- Who?
- Sue Ellen Lisky.
- I got a Coke date with her.
- Oh, gee, that's great, Potsie.
Listen, I can fix you up with her best friend,
Debbie Hochhouser, who also bites.
- No thanks.
- Okay.
- But can I ask you a question?
- Go ahead.
Can you fall in love with a girl who has a reputation?
Write this down, Rich. There's two kinds of girls.
Those you marry, and those that got a reputation.
What about the ones who give hickeys?
Oh, well, they're okay,
if you marry them before they get reputations.
Say, how many questions you miss on the history test?
Oh, I know I missed that one on Alaska.
I forgot they're thinking about making it a state now.
- Ah. Never happen.
- Sure it will.
Do you realise someday an Eskimo could become president?
Yeah. Terrific.
At the World Series, he could throw out the first snowball.
- Hey, my books!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Uh-oh.