Juice (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
Cake
1
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
INSECTS BUZZ
A-hem. Sit down.
I've never had to
call you in here before.
It won't happen again. What won't?
I-I don't know.
Whatever it was?
I only call people in here
for one of two reasons.
To promote
or to fire.
If this is about the silly walks,
I can explain
Sh!
I'm promoting you
to the market research team.
You'll lead the focus group tomorrow.
There's been a dropout,
you need to find a replacement.
Yeah, absolutely!
Thank you!
Don't you want to know the campaign?
Yes, yes, no, sorry.
YoggoLad.
The yoghurt for men?
Yes. Is that a problem?
I
No, no, I love yoghurt,
and I love men,
and I love you! No.
No. Yeah.
Should? Yeah, OK, cool.
You should do something about that.
Aaaah! Oh, fuck off! Yes!
You absolute tosser!
Oh, my God, you got a promotion!
Oh, do the silly-walk thing!
No, no, I have to go.
Oh, come on! Come on, do one!
You know I'm really shy!
Do a silly walk, please!
One silly walk for us!
Yeah!
Go, Jam! Go, Jam! Go, Jam!
Go, Jam!
So good! Another one, another one!
Yeah, come on, come on.
Stop it! I hate attention!
Oh, you've gone.
HORN BEEPS
Come on!
Get out the road!
Come on!
Like, when I'm on a date
and I'm in bed with them,
I always suck my stomach in.
Why do you think that is?
I don't know.
I feel like you do.
Because it's vulnerable.
I guess I would
with a life partner,
but not with someone
I'm not committed to.
Do you know what I mean?
I've been thinking a lot
about my childhood trauma.
Fuck yeah!
Oh, er, that's
Is that something you'd be
comfortable to talk about?
Take care,
and I will see you again soon.
OK, bye.
I thought we talked
about the miming thing.
What was it, trust issues?
That is highly confidential.
It's always the parents' fault,
though, innit?
Show me.
"A market research star is born."
Innit?! Yeah!
Congrats.
I'm going to laminate this.
Yeah. Seriously, I'm going
to frame it and laminate it.
Get in, get in.
Look, I've got a couple of hours
before my next client,
so how about
we put some of your stuff away?
Uhh!
Why? This is a lot of stuff. Uhh!
Is it? You can put it in here.
Honestly, I'll be out of here
before you know it.
Oh, don't say that.
You can stay as long as you want,
you can keep all your stuff
No, no, no, no, no, no, please,
no, I'm not doing Toro Toro.
Please, just a quick one.
You're so annoying. Yeah!
He's coming!
BOTH SHOU
Ah-ha, you vampire!
Vampire! Vampire? He's a bull.
Toro Toro? Oh, my God,
what do you think it means?
Vampire Vampire, no? It's a bu
Wow. This ain't going to work.
No, I know.
No, I'm sorry, we A what?
All this time, you
I love your house, you know.
Thank you.
It, like, makes me feel
like an adult. You ARE an adult.
Come here.
You know, maybe we could make you
being here a more permanent thing.
Are you, um?
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS
Are you holding your stomach in?
No.
WHINE STOPS
Love is a lie.
Your partner will let you down.
Your children will abandon you.
And then death!
A painful death.
So, what is acting?
Acting is pain.
And if the audience doesn't
feel that pain,
it means you are not a good actor.
Yes, Daisy?
Can I go to the toilet?
If an actor at the Palladium
wants to go for the pee-pee,
what do you think,
the audience will wait for him?
Come on, Daisy! Very unprofessional.
Hai! Hai!
How's she doing without me?
She spits every time
I mention your name. Ah.
This month, we are going to do
a drama called War Horse.
I have rewritten it
to make it better.
I can't read.
Then you came to the rehearsal
unprepared!
Come on, go to Isaac for warm up.
All right,
who's done stage combat before?
CHILDREN SHOU
All right, now punch!
Punch like a horse!
Mumsy! No!
Mum, everyone moves out eventually,
it's normal.
Let her grieve, man!
It's normal for you.
I've got good news. I don't
have time for your good news.
You sure? Really big day for me.
Me too.
I'm auditioning Mustafa
for the lead horse.
Mum, you're doing it again.
Doing what? Making it about you.
When do I ever make it about me?
Go on.
I'm divorcing your dad. What?! Why?!
I'm asking him to hang this sign
in the corridor since three months.
OK, Mum, you can't divorce him
for that. Yeah, she can!
OK, well, I'm really sorry
to hear about your situation,
but at least my good news
has made you feel better.
Now who is making it
about themself?
Let's go! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy, girl, easy.
Be right back!
Hold up.
Bro, this is great, man.
It is pretty cool, innit?
You must be so proud.
Feel the quality of that paper!
Wow. Yeah? Yeah.
My colleagues are
really proud of me.
Promotions are great. Innit?
Yeah, you sold your soul. Exactly.
Wait, what?
This is how they get you.
Wait, wait,
what are you talking about?
Today, you got promoted.
Tomorrow, you're getting
a knighthood.
And the next thing you know,
the bloodshed of colonialism
is on your hands.
MBE, do you know what that
stands for? What?
Member of the British Empire.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, so we done been that.
Are you trying to borrow money?
Just a tenner. Unbelievable!
Dude, come on!
Give back to the hood.
You need to learn how to fish!
What are you talking about fish?
I don't like fish!
Do you want to make some money?
No. Yeah?
I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight,
show you the real world.
PM? AM!
All right, cool,
I'll just leave it here, yeah?
Son? Yeah?
What? What? Yes. Huh?
What do you want?
You were going to say something!
Was I?
PHONE CHIMES
I've got to go. It's Guy.
Anything you want to add?
Shall I send your love to Guy?
My Guy.
My boyfriend, Guy!
I thought his name was Alan.
Cool! Good chat!
So your name's Owen. No, it's not.
It is, cos that's the guy
who pulled out.
Oh, so I'm helping you out?
No, I'm helping you out.
Listen Yeah, I'm listening.
it's called market research. Yeah.
It's a yoghurt for men.
That doesn't make sense.
OK, but all you have to do
is eat the thing, say you love it,
you get 100 quid! No can do.
Why not? It's dirty money.
It's just a yoghurt.
Well, I don't fuck with yoghurt.
Oh, and the demographic is
male professionals, OK?
So don't do your roadman ting,
it's not Chicken Cottage.
You're just profiling me!
And Chicken Cottage.
Just don't be yourself. What?
What are you wearing?
You could have ironed your top.
Whoa! It's crinkle cut.
I made it myself.
Yeah, I can tell!
Wear this, don't take it off.
Oh, really?
Bro! No, don't call me "bro".
We're not allowed to bring in
family or friends.
It's the real world in there, man.
You've got to bring your A-game.
Yeah?
Johnny! All hail the yoghurt king!
Stop it, Chloe,
you're such a big flirt!
See?
Respected.
This is where you work?
Magical, innit?
Why does it look like a nursery?
Jam-Jar!
Wing-Wings!
Who's the hot new guy?
We have a hot new guy?
Oh, hey, I'm Isaac.
His brother.
Here for the yoghurt-tasting thing?
That is an amazing coat.
Oh, that's
Let me take you through.
So tea, coffee, prosecco?
That's actually my amazing coat.
The testicles of mice
fed a yoghurt diet
were 10% bigger
than those on a regular diet.
That's whet your appetite, innit?
So this campaign is
a tongue-in-cheek "Oi-oi"
Oi-oi! ..to all lads.
It's not just yoghurt,
it's yoghurt
BOTH: For men.
Genius.
I think it could be our best yet.
OK, so slogan,
which one grabs us more?
"Hairy dairy" or "Creme de la men"?
I like "hairy dairy". Not too
many syllables. Yes, thank you!
Let's keep the syllables
where they belong,
in the dictionary.
Yes, so tuck in.
All feedback is welcome.
Be honest.
Yeah. I'll be honest. Great!
Dairy industry,
that's a messed-up place.
You ever locked eyes with a cow?
They can hear you.
Of course they can hear me, bro,
government's tapped in.
Hold on, sorry
Are you two related?
No! Yeah.
Great. Shall we do the forms? Pat,
do you want to give out the forms?
Jam's the best bit, anyway.
It must be serious if
she's got him in the jungle.
Do you know
how long he's been in there?
A bit too long, mate.
She's probably got the hots for him.
Is it just me,
or his coat the sexiest
fucking thing you've ever seen?
Oh, my God, that is what I said!
Oh, he's coming,
he's coming, he's coming!
What did she say?
She asked me how old I think she is.
What did you say? 55.
She's 44
today! Oh.
Well, I wasn't going to lie, was I?
OK, great.
Anyway, I'm out. Laters.
He's your brother? No
Are you calling me a racist?
OK, sorry, I only got him in
cos someone pulled out.
By the way, I think
this campaign is remarkable.
You know what I like about him?
He's not a suck-up.
Yeah, no, suck-ups are the worst.
And I REALLY like his coat.
No, he actually cut the yoghurt
in half. Wow, that's clever!
No, no, no, it's not. Oh, God, no,
sorry, yes, yes, you're right,
I forgot who the baddie was -
what a bastard!
He's just doing what my mum does,
barging in, stealing my thunder.
It's attention-seeking, man,
I hate it!
How's this one? Yeah, it's
it's great,
haven't you already got a coat?
Yeah, I need a better one
for the office party.
That one's £370.
Fuck me!
For a coat? Hmm.
Do you refunds?
30 days, tag still on.
Deal.
What?
What's that look in your eyes?
What look?
Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm not. Yeah, you are.
What? Just that face. What face?
What's that face? It's my face.
It's not, though. It is.
It's something different,
that's not your face.
No, it's nothing. I just love you.
Uh
Ooh.
Sorry, can we just?
What are you doing?
Sorry, I wasn't
I wasn't actually, uh What?
planning on saying that in here.
Yeah, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah, I just
Well, it's true, Jamma. I, er
I love you.
All right, yeah, cool, yeah.
What?
Nothing, I said
"All right,
"yeah, cool, yeah."
RUMBLING
Are you?
Oh, shit, careful, careful,
we need to leave, we need to leave.
Jamma
Your house seems smaller!
Well, yeah, it's all your stuff.
I-I need to leave.
Where? My mum, the community centre.
Jamma, what time is the party
tonight?
Because, you know,
maybe I should come
The kids! Are you OK?
He's completely freaking out.
What a bellend.
HE SHOUTS
All right!
Everyone in formation now!
Come on, formation!
Let me see formation!
Jammie, is there something
you need to talk about?
What? He just came out with it,
I panicked!
Oh, wake up!
Can we carry on with the match now?
Jammie's life is more important.
Yeah, Halima,
that was really selfish.
OK, everyone, take a deep breath.
Jammie, look at me.
Do you love him?
I love his face.
He's a really good cook.
Um He has a dryer.
But how am I meant to know
what love feels like?
Let me break it down for you.
Think of something you love.
Cake. Cake!
I have had it, officially!
Come on! Grow up.
What if I'm just using him
to get away from my family?
Jammie, if you do truly love him
you have to tell him.
I'm a horse, and I declare a war!
Yeah, that's not War Horse.
Love is a lie!
You're a useless horse,
you must die!
Artistic license, bro.
More passion!
Fire, fire, run!
But we don't know
where the fire exit is.
Well, maybe you should have
hung it up in time!
CHILDREN SCREAM
OK.
HEATED CONVERSATION
ECHOING: But how am I meant to know
what love feels like?
Think of something you love
Mm! Cake!
I love you.
I love you, I love you
I think if we're going
to live together,
I think we should just be really
comfortable with each other.
I'm comfortable. Yeah?
Were you going to say something?
We're late for the party!
Jamma, Jamma, Jamma, Jamma.
We're good, right?
Everything's fine?
Yeah, we're fine, yeah.
Forget I said anything.
All your boxes, they can stay
where they are. OK, cool!
Help me up!
Jamma! Hey!
Oh, wow, OK, OK,
so it's a party party.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's the coat?
Oh, my God, it's so great. Yeah?
Can I take your coat, sir?
Absolutely not, no!
The cheek.
It's going to be really good
to play as a team.
Yeah, isn't it? It's really good.
Yeah, yeah, really good.
OK, if I get stuck with anyone
I don't like, I'll do this.
And then you have to
come and get me out, OK?
Yeah, fine, OK, well, I'll do
If I get stuck with someone,
I will
I'll do the same. Yeah, OK, cool.
Toro Toro!
Oh, shit on a stick,
you must be Jamma's boy
Boyfriend, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just so you know, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with you know.
I actually think it's really cool.
Sorry, just
Sorry, erm
One sec. OK.
So which one of you's
the woman in the relationship?
Deep state, yeah! Sorry.
Oh, hey, how's it going?
What's up, bro?
What are you doing here?
I invited him, obviously.
Hey, happy birthday!
Don't patronise me.
Sorry, no, yeah.
I wanted to talk to Isaac
about YoggoLad.
Again, I'm so sorry about
what happened. Basically
Marcus loved it. I loved it!
The whole tearing the packet apart,
very manly.
How did you come up with it?
I just like the jam.
Oh, that's awkward, bro!
It's not called jam in the industry,
is it? It's called conserve.
I wanted to ask about the magazine.
Can I get a few more copies?
Cos everyone's been bugging me.
Your coat
Oh, right, yeah, thanks.
No, no, no, no.
The tag's still on.
Oh, OK, yeah I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no, don't worry.
No, no, I don't mind.
No, do you know what? Don't worry.
You're my boss,
you shouldn't be doing my
There you go.
Oh, that's so kind of you.
Come, Marcus.
Bro, what the hell? Nah, man,
I'm just here to get my coin.
OK, bro, you just send an invoice.
What's that?
Oh Winnie's found a pill!
Last one, who wants it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Winnie!
Jesus! He's like, 12 years old!
What? No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I did that out of duty.
I was not going to take that anyway.
Yeah, sure.
You really don't know who I am,
do you?
I didn't really know my dad,
so we don't know who
we're supposed to be angry at,
and so I just took it all out
on my mum. Mm.
Yeah, well,
from what you've told me,
it seems like your mum
did the best she could in
very difficult circumstances.
Awareness is
the first step to change,
and if these behavioural patterns
no longer serve you,
you have got the choice
to let them go.
Yeah.
HE SOBS
Oh. Yeah.
So w-w-what do you do as a job?
I'm a therapist.
Fuck off! For real? Yeah.
Maybe you could be my therapist.
No, that would be
highly inappropriate.
Do you think I should go over there?
It's just been ages.
It's like, you know,
what are they chatting about?
Are you sure you're not too hot
in that thing?
No, no, no, totally fine!
Jamma! Oh, hello!
I'm Winnie, what do you do?
Hi, Winnie, I'm a
I'm a dentist! Oh, OK!
Yeah. Oh, OK!
Jamma! There you are!
There YOU are! Where you been?!
Well, I've just been having
a really dull conversation.
You won't believe what. What?
I dropped a pill!
Really? I was going to suggest
we should probably leave.
Come on, we're working as a team!
You've just taken ecstasy. Yeah!
To empathise with you.
Hey, my guys, how's it going?
Oh, hi, Isaac. How are you?
Good, man.
Bro, your boss just offered me
a full-time position.
What? That's That's amazing,
Isaac, congratulations.
Well, no, you're not going to do it,
are you?
Because it's like
colonialism and stuff.
Nah. I'll give it a go.
All right, look, Jamma,
I'm up early,
so I'm just going to leave, OK?
Can you believe
how selfish he's being?!
I'm sorry, no, no, you can't just
It's like I don't exist, hello!
Watch the fucking coat!
I'm just going to leave. Why?
I'll see you at home.
But we're having fun, man!
Jamma, is that your boyfriend?
Do you think he can look
at my molar? Cos
Hey, are you feeling it?
Yeah, best high of my life.
Oh, my God, I love this song!
Come and dance!
Oh, no, no, no. I can't dance.
No, no. OK.
Oh, no, no, no, I just
No, no, sorry, I'm just
OK, all right, all right!
What you're holding
may look like a piece of cake,
um, but it's actually
a piece of art.
Baking is art,
and-and art is political.
That guy's amazing.
Tell me again
Fuck's sake, no, he's not!
Everyone just fancies him
for some reason.
I like to think that awareness
is the first step towards
meaningful change, right?
And if these behaviour patterns
don't serve you any more,
you have got to just let them go, man.
Anyway, I wasn't talking
about your brother,
I was talking about your boyfriend.
What a loving man.
I've got to get out of here.
Hey, dude
Beautiful coat.
It's a little bit gay, though.
HE LAUGHS
Fuck's sake.
SOFT MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
MUSIC AND SIRENS
Oh, fuck.
WOMEN LAUGH
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
I've changed my mind.
I'm not going to divorce your dad.
Oh, wow.
He really knows how to surprise me.
Isn't it beautiful?!
Mum, that's amazing,
I'm so glad you could find it
in your heart to just
Let go.
Yeah, exactly.
Let go!
Let go.
Don't be weird, Jamal!
Let go!
BELL RINGS
Let go!
HE GASPS
Let go
APPLAUSE
Oh, no, Jamma, Jamma, no
I'm up in four hours.
I know, just hear me out.
OK
You know when you said you loved me?
It made me feel
valued and important and
I'm not used to that.
So I find it easier
to be a bit of a dick
than to admit that
maybe someone actually loves me
for who I really am.
But despite that,
I just want to say
SLURRING: ..like, I just fucking
love what you, like,
like, I love your hair, your hair's
like, the follicles are so thick,
and I would, honestly, no,
like, no, no, no, real talk!
Do you know what I mean?!
It's like
I just really appreciate
your interior design.
Let me get you some water.
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, mm
Yeah! OK.
Well, it's just cos you got
to believe in yourself and
Oh, my God,
your bedsheets are amazing
You know what?
I think I'm ready
to meet your parents.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS
Aaah! What the fu?!
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
INSECTS BUZZ
A-hem. Sit down.
I've never had to
call you in here before.
It won't happen again. What won't?
I-I don't know.
Whatever it was?
I only call people in here
for one of two reasons.
To promote
or to fire.
If this is about the silly walks,
I can explain
Sh!
I'm promoting you
to the market research team.
You'll lead the focus group tomorrow.
There's been a dropout,
you need to find a replacement.
Yeah, absolutely!
Thank you!
Don't you want to know the campaign?
Yes, yes, no, sorry.
YoggoLad.
The yoghurt for men?
Yes. Is that a problem?
I
No, no, I love yoghurt,
and I love men,
and I love you! No.
No. Yeah.
Should? Yeah, OK, cool.
You should do something about that.
Aaaah! Oh, fuck off! Yes!
You absolute tosser!
Oh, my God, you got a promotion!
Oh, do the silly-walk thing!
No, no, I have to go.
Oh, come on! Come on, do one!
You know I'm really shy!
Do a silly walk, please!
One silly walk for us!
Yeah!
Go, Jam! Go, Jam! Go, Jam!
Go, Jam!
So good! Another one, another one!
Yeah, come on, come on.
Stop it! I hate attention!
Oh, you've gone.
HORN BEEPS
Come on!
Get out the road!
Come on!
Like, when I'm on a date
and I'm in bed with them,
I always suck my stomach in.
Why do you think that is?
I don't know.
I feel like you do.
Because it's vulnerable.
I guess I would
with a life partner,
but not with someone
I'm not committed to.
Do you know what I mean?
I've been thinking a lot
about my childhood trauma.
Fuck yeah!
Oh, er, that's
Is that something you'd be
comfortable to talk about?
Take care,
and I will see you again soon.
OK, bye.
I thought we talked
about the miming thing.
What was it, trust issues?
That is highly confidential.
It's always the parents' fault,
though, innit?
Show me.
"A market research star is born."
Innit?! Yeah!
Congrats.
I'm going to laminate this.
Yeah. Seriously, I'm going
to frame it and laminate it.
Get in, get in.
Look, I've got a couple of hours
before my next client,
so how about
we put some of your stuff away?
Uhh!
Why? This is a lot of stuff. Uhh!
Is it? You can put it in here.
Honestly, I'll be out of here
before you know it.
Oh, don't say that.
You can stay as long as you want,
you can keep all your stuff
No, no, no, no, no, no, please,
no, I'm not doing Toro Toro.
Please, just a quick one.
You're so annoying. Yeah!
He's coming!
BOTH SHOU
Ah-ha, you vampire!
Vampire! Vampire? He's a bull.
Toro Toro? Oh, my God,
what do you think it means?
Vampire Vampire, no? It's a bu
Wow. This ain't going to work.
No, I know.
No, I'm sorry, we A what?
All this time, you
I love your house, you know.
Thank you.
It, like, makes me feel
like an adult. You ARE an adult.
Come here.
You know, maybe we could make you
being here a more permanent thing.
Are you, um?
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS
Are you holding your stomach in?
No.
WHINE STOPS
Love is a lie.
Your partner will let you down.
Your children will abandon you.
And then death!
A painful death.
So, what is acting?
Acting is pain.
And if the audience doesn't
feel that pain,
it means you are not a good actor.
Yes, Daisy?
Can I go to the toilet?
If an actor at the Palladium
wants to go for the pee-pee,
what do you think,
the audience will wait for him?
Come on, Daisy! Very unprofessional.
Hai! Hai!
How's she doing without me?
She spits every time
I mention your name. Ah.
This month, we are going to do
a drama called War Horse.
I have rewritten it
to make it better.
I can't read.
Then you came to the rehearsal
unprepared!
Come on, go to Isaac for warm up.
All right,
who's done stage combat before?
CHILDREN SHOU
All right, now punch!
Punch like a horse!
Mumsy! No!
Mum, everyone moves out eventually,
it's normal.
Let her grieve, man!
It's normal for you.
I've got good news. I don't
have time for your good news.
You sure? Really big day for me.
Me too.
I'm auditioning Mustafa
for the lead horse.
Mum, you're doing it again.
Doing what? Making it about you.
When do I ever make it about me?
Go on.
I'm divorcing your dad. What?! Why?!
I'm asking him to hang this sign
in the corridor since three months.
OK, Mum, you can't divorce him
for that. Yeah, she can!
OK, well, I'm really sorry
to hear about your situation,
but at least my good news
has made you feel better.
Now who is making it
about themself?
Let's go! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy, girl, easy.
Be right back!
Hold up.
Bro, this is great, man.
It is pretty cool, innit?
You must be so proud.
Feel the quality of that paper!
Wow. Yeah? Yeah.
My colleagues are
really proud of me.
Promotions are great. Innit?
Yeah, you sold your soul. Exactly.
Wait, what?
This is how they get you.
Wait, wait,
what are you talking about?
Today, you got promoted.
Tomorrow, you're getting
a knighthood.
And the next thing you know,
the bloodshed of colonialism
is on your hands.
MBE, do you know what that
stands for? What?
Member of the British Empire.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, so we done been that.
Are you trying to borrow money?
Just a tenner. Unbelievable!
Dude, come on!
Give back to the hood.
You need to learn how to fish!
What are you talking about fish?
I don't like fish!
Do you want to make some money?
No. Yeah?
I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight,
show you the real world.
PM? AM!
All right, cool,
I'll just leave it here, yeah?
Son? Yeah?
What? What? Yes. Huh?
What do you want?
You were going to say something!
Was I?
PHONE CHIMES
I've got to go. It's Guy.
Anything you want to add?
Shall I send your love to Guy?
My Guy.
My boyfriend, Guy!
I thought his name was Alan.
Cool! Good chat!
So your name's Owen. No, it's not.
It is, cos that's the guy
who pulled out.
Oh, so I'm helping you out?
No, I'm helping you out.
Listen Yeah, I'm listening.
it's called market research. Yeah.
It's a yoghurt for men.
That doesn't make sense.
OK, but all you have to do
is eat the thing, say you love it,
you get 100 quid! No can do.
Why not? It's dirty money.
It's just a yoghurt.
Well, I don't fuck with yoghurt.
Oh, and the demographic is
male professionals, OK?
So don't do your roadman ting,
it's not Chicken Cottage.
You're just profiling me!
And Chicken Cottage.
Just don't be yourself. What?
What are you wearing?
You could have ironed your top.
Whoa! It's crinkle cut.
I made it myself.
Yeah, I can tell!
Wear this, don't take it off.
Oh, really?
Bro! No, don't call me "bro".
We're not allowed to bring in
family or friends.
It's the real world in there, man.
You've got to bring your A-game.
Yeah?
Johnny! All hail the yoghurt king!
Stop it, Chloe,
you're such a big flirt!
See?
Respected.
This is where you work?
Magical, innit?
Why does it look like a nursery?
Jam-Jar!
Wing-Wings!
Who's the hot new guy?
We have a hot new guy?
Oh, hey, I'm Isaac.
His brother.
Here for the yoghurt-tasting thing?
That is an amazing coat.
Oh, that's
Let me take you through.
So tea, coffee, prosecco?
That's actually my amazing coat.
The testicles of mice
fed a yoghurt diet
were 10% bigger
than those on a regular diet.
That's whet your appetite, innit?
So this campaign is
a tongue-in-cheek "Oi-oi"
Oi-oi! ..to all lads.
It's not just yoghurt,
it's yoghurt
BOTH: For men.
Genius.
I think it could be our best yet.
OK, so slogan,
which one grabs us more?
"Hairy dairy" or "Creme de la men"?
I like "hairy dairy". Not too
many syllables. Yes, thank you!
Let's keep the syllables
where they belong,
in the dictionary.
Yes, so tuck in.
All feedback is welcome.
Be honest.
Yeah. I'll be honest. Great!
Dairy industry,
that's a messed-up place.
You ever locked eyes with a cow?
They can hear you.
Of course they can hear me, bro,
government's tapped in.
Hold on, sorry
Are you two related?
No! Yeah.
Great. Shall we do the forms? Pat,
do you want to give out the forms?
Jam's the best bit, anyway.
It must be serious if
she's got him in the jungle.
Do you know
how long he's been in there?
A bit too long, mate.
She's probably got the hots for him.
Is it just me,
or his coat the sexiest
fucking thing you've ever seen?
Oh, my God, that is what I said!
Oh, he's coming,
he's coming, he's coming!
What did she say?
She asked me how old I think she is.
What did you say? 55.
She's 44
today! Oh.
Well, I wasn't going to lie, was I?
OK, great.
Anyway, I'm out. Laters.
He's your brother? No
Are you calling me a racist?
OK, sorry, I only got him in
cos someone pulled out.
By the way, I think
this campaign is remarkable.
You know what I like about him?
He's not a suck-up.
Yeah, no, suck-ups are the worst.
And I REALLY like his coat.
No, he actually cut the yoghurt
in half. Wow, that's clever!
No, no, no, it's not. Oh, God, no,
sorry, yes, yes, you're right,
I forgot who the baddie was -
what a bastard!
He's just doing what my mum does,
barging in, stealing my thunder.
It's attention-seeking, man,
I hate it!
How's this one? Yeah, it's
it's great,
haven't you already got a coat?
Yeah, I need a better one
for the office party.
That one's £370.
Fuck me!
For a coat? Hmm.
Do you refunds?
30 days, tag still on.
Deal.
What?
What's that look in your eyes?
What look?
Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm not. Yeah, you are.
What? Just that face. What face?
What's that face? It's my face.
It's not, though. It is.
It's something different,
that's not your face.
No, it's nothing. I just love you.
Uh
Ooh.
Sorry, can we just?
What are you doing?
Sorry, I wasn't
I wasn't actually, uh What?
planning on saying that in here.
Yeah, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah, I just
Well, it's true, Jamma. I, er
I love you.
All right, yeah, cool, yeah.
What?
Nothing, I said
"All right,
"yeah, cool, yeah."
RUMBLING
Are you?
Oh, shit, careful, careful,
we need to leave, we need to leave.
Jamma
Your house seems smaller!
Well, yeah, it's all your stuff.
I-I need to leave.
Where? My mum, the community centre.
Jamma, what time is the party
tonight?
Because, you know,
maybe I should come
The kids! Are you OK?
He's completely freaking out.
What a bellend.
HE SHOUTS
All right!
Everyone in formation now!
Come on, formation!
Let me see formation!
Jammie, is there something
you need to talk about?
What? He just came out with it,
I panicked!
Oh, wake up!
Can we carry on with the match now?
Jammie's life is more important.
Yeah, Halima,
that was really selfish.
OK, everyone, take a deep breath.
Jammie, look at me.
Do you love him?
I love his face.
He's a really good cook.
Um He has a dryer.
But how am I meant to know
what love feels like?
Let me break it down for you.
Think of something you love.
Cake. Cake!
I have had it, officially!
Come on! Grow up.
What if I'm just using him
to get away from my family?
Jammie, if you do truly love him
you have to tell him.
I'm a horse, and I declare a war!
Yeah, that's not War Horse.
Love is a lie!
You're a useless horse,
you must die!
Artistic license, bro.
More passion!
Fire, fire, run!
But we don't know
where the fire exit is.
Well, maybe you should have
hung it up in time!
CHILDREN SCREAM
OK.
HEATED CONVERSATION
ECHOING: But how am I meant to know
what love feels like?
Think of something you love
Mm! Cake!
I love you.
I love you, I love you
I think if we're going
to live together,
I think we should just be really
comfortable with each other.
I'm comfortable. Yeah?
Were you going to say something?
We're late for the party!
Jamma, Jamma, Jamma, Jamma.
We're good, right?
Everything's fine?
Yeah, we're fine, yeah.
Forget I said anything.
All your boxes, they can stay
where they are. OK, cool!
Help me up!
Jamma! Hey!
Oh, wow, OK, OK,
so it's a party party.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's the coat?
Oh, my God, it's so great. Yeah?
Can I take your coat, sir?
Absolutely not, no!
The cheek.
It's going to be really good
to play as a team.
Yeah, isn't it? It's really good.
Yeah, yeah, really good.
OK, if I get stuck with anyone
I don't like, I'll do this.
And then you have to
come and get me out, OK?
Yeah, fine, OK, well, I'll do
If I get stuck with someone,
I will
I'll do the same. Yeah, OK, cool.
Toro Toro!
Oh, shit on a stick,
you must be Jamma's boy
Boyfriend, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just so you know, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with you know.
I actually think it's really cool.
Sorry, just
Sorry, erm
One sec. OK.
So which one of you's
the woman in the relationship?
Deep state, yeah! Sorry.
Oh, hey, how's it going?
What's up, bro?
What are you doing here?
I invited him, obviously.
Hey, happy birthday!
Don't patronise me.
Sorry, no, yeah.
I wanted to talk to Isaac
about YoggoLad.
Again, I'm so sorry about
what happened. Basically
Marcus loved it. I loved it!
The whole tearing the packet apart,
very manly.
How did you come up with it?
I just like the jam.
Oh, that's awkward, bro!
It's not called jam in the industry,
is it? It's called conserve.
I wanted to ask about the magazine.
Can I get a few more copies?
Cos everyone's been bugging me.
Your coat
Oh, right, yeah, thanks.
No, no, no, no.
The tag's still on.
Oh, OK, yeah I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no, don't worry.
No, no, I don't mind.
No, do you know what? Don't worry.
You're my boss,
you shouldn't be doing my
There you go.
Oh, that's so kind of you.
Come, Marcus.
Bro, what the hell? Nah, man,
I'm just here to get my coin.
OK, bro, you just send an invoice.
What's that?
Oh Winnie's found a pill!
Last one, who wants it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Winnie!
Jesus! He's like, 12 years old!
What? No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I did that out of duty.
I was not going to take that anyway.
Yeah, sure.
You really don't know who I am,
do you?
I didn't really know my dad,
so we don't know who
we're supposed to be angry at,
and so I just took it all out
on my mum. Mm.
Yeah, well,
from what you've told me,
it seems like your mum
did the best she could in
very difficult circumstances.
Awareness is
the first step to change,
and if these behavioural patterns
no longer serve you,
you have got the choice
to let them go.
Yeah.
HE SOBS
Oh. Yeah.
So w-w-what do you do as a job?
I'm a therapist.
Fuck off! For real? Yeah.
Maybe you could be my therapist.
No, that would be
highly inappropriate.
Do you think I should go over there?
It's just been ages.
It's like, you know,
what are they chatting about?
Are you sure you're not too hot
in that thing?
No, no, no, totally fine!
Jamma! Oh, hello!
I'm Winnie, what do you do?
Hi, Winnie, I'm a
I'm a dentist! Oh, OK!
Yeah. Oh, OK!
Jamma! There you are!
There YOU are! Where you been?!
Well, I've just been having
a really dull conversation.
You won't believe what. What?
I dropped a pill!
Really? I was going to suggest
we should probably leave.
Come on, we're working as a team!
You've just taken ecstasy. Yeah!
To empathise with you.
Hey, my guys, how's it going?
Oh, hi, Isaac. How are you?
Good, man.
Bro, your boss just offered me
a full-time position.
What? That's That's amazing,
Isaac, congratulations.
Well, no, you're not going to do it,
are you?
Because it's like
colonialism and stuff.
Nah. I'll give it a go.
All right, look, Jamma,
I'm up early,
so I'm just going to leave, OK?
Can you believe
how selfish he's being?!
I'm sorry, no, no, you can't just
It's like I don't exist, hello!
Watch the fucking coat!
I'm just going to leave. Why?
I'll see you at home.
But we're having fun, man!
Jamma, is that your boyfriend?
Do you think he can look
at my molar? Cos
Hey, are you feeling it?
Yeah, best high of my life.
Oh, my God, I love this song!
Come and dance!
Oh, no, no, no. I can't dance.
No, no. OK.
Oh, no, no, no, I just
No, no, sorry, I'm just
OK, all right, all right!
What you're holding
may look like a piece of cake,
um, but it's actually
a piece of art.
Baking is art,
and-and art is political.
That guy's amazing.
Tell me again
Fuck's sake, no, he's not!
Everyone just fancies him
for some reason.
I like to think that awareness
is the first step towards
meaningful change, right?
And if these behaviour patterns
don't serve you any more,
you have got to just let them go, man.
Anyway, I wasn't talking
about your brother,
I was talking about your boyfriend.
What a loving man.
I've got to get out of here.
Hey, dude
Beautiful coat.
It's a little bit gay, though.
HE LAUGHS
Fuck's sake.
SOFT MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
MUSIC AND SIRENS
Oh, fuck.
WOMEN LAUGH
PHONE VIBRATES
Hello?
I've changed my mind.
I'm not going to divorce your dad.
Oh, wow.
He really knows how to surprise me.
Isn't it beautiful?!
Mum, that's amazing,
I'm so glad you could find it
in your heart to just
Let go.
Yeah, exactly.
Let go!
Let go.
Don't be weird, Jamal!
Let go!
BELL RINGS
Let go!
HE GASPS
Let go
APPLAUSE
Oh, no, Jamma, Jamma, no
I'm up in four hours.
I know, just hear me out.
OK
You know when you said you loved me?
It made me feel
valued and important and
I'm not used to that.
So I find it easier
to be a bit of a dick
than to admit that
maybe someone actually loves me
for who I really am.
But despite that,
I just want to say
SLURRING: ..like, I just fucking
love what you, like,
like, I love your hair, your hair's
like, the follicles are so thick,
and I would, honestly, no,
like, no, no, no, real talk!
Do you know what I mean?!
It's like
I just really appreciate
your interior design.
Let me get you some water.
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, mm
Yeah! OK.
Well, it's just cos you got
to believe in yourself and
Oh, my God,
your bedsheets are amazing
You know what?
I think I'm ready
to meet your parents.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS
Aaah! What the fu?!