Level Up (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

I don't smell like
rotten bananas.
I smell like
rotten banana bread.
Big difference.
[chattering
in native language]
All righty.
Three holiday orcs.
I'll launch a jolly rocket
to the opposite tree line.
Yeah, some exploding trees
should distract them.
All right. Lyle, you head to
the east side of the clearing--
- Once you're in position--
- Guys, stop.
Seriously?
We are just fighting
leaked monsters from the game.
We're not playing chess.
Let's just run up in there,
and go animal style--
Whoo!
[all yelling]
[roaring]
[yelling continues]
[growling]
[all yelling]
- Did you see that?
- Oh, that's animal style.
That's my style.
[bones crunch]
Oh, that sounded
like a pelvis.
It was!
Oh, the barbarian just
ripped that orc's arm off!
He's straight-up beating him
with his own arm!
Ohh!
Aaah!
[shouting]
- Heads up!
- [crack]
Oh! Did you see that?
- That's the actual head!
- Yes, it was!
[grunts]
You are the man!
- [grunts]
- [clapping]
Outstanding!
I like your style,
big guy.
Act first,
ask questions never.
Probably should keep
a safe distance
from the guy who's doing
the dismembering.
That's a high-level rampaging
mountain barbarian.
Possibly the only creature
more unpredictable
than you, Dante.
[yells]
Bet you didn't expect that.
[speaking gibberish]
Uh, guys,
what is he doing?
He likey your face.
Uh, I likey my face.
Everyone likey my face.
That's why I moisturize.
Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Can we keep him, Wyatt?
I promise to feed him
and walk him and let him
just smash stuff every day.
He's not a Border collie.
He's a maniacal maniac who
leaked from a digital dimension.
[Dante]
He's a sweetheart.
- [Wyatt]
He's not a sweetheart.
- What's the harm?
Uh, are you crazy?
My calendar's full, okay?
This is spirit week.
I got photo shoots,
pep rallies.
The cheerleaders
are decorating my locker
as we speak.
I don't have time
to barbarian-sit.
Yeah. I don't have
any of that stuff.
But first period's
in 15 minutes,
and we are not
bringing him with us.
Great. So he's cool
to come with us.
We'll get a leash.
Get a leash. Yeah,
we'll need that
when we bard him.
Yes. Great plan.
Bard the fool.
Destroy him and send him
back to the game?
- [sniffing]
- He helped us.
You don't reward
that kind of behavior
with a dirty beat-down!
Look, it will
be painlessish.
And, uh, he'll respond
in the game.
[whirring]
[speaks gibberish,
chuckles]
[cat meows]
- Meow.
- [meows]
Where did that come from?
[speaks gibberish,
laughs]
It's only until
after school.
Then we'll come get you
and figure out what to do, okay?
Kitty's purr tickles,
doesn't it?
[laughs]
- [speaking gibberish]
- This is madness.
[bell rings]
Clean-cut Maggie. Whew.
Hey, Maggie,
need a new drummer for choir?
There's no drummer in choir.
So I'm in?
Okay.
Here. Take a picture with me.
[singsong voice]
Yearbook.
A-whoo.
You can't bail
on me now, Reggie.
We only have 36 hours left
till the dance competition.
- And as class president,
- [scoffs]
I have to set an example
by crushing the competition.
I'm exhausted.
Strength conditioning,
muscle memory training,
yoga.
I got a rash
from the stress.
That's just--
- Do not ask where.
- I'm not.
Here. My doctor
gave me a note. Rash.
Well, I have a note
for you, too.
Your step ball change
is sloppy,
and you need to buy a belt
or start wearing underwear.
My personal recommendation
is both!
Wyatt, you're my
new dance partner.
No way.
Not since the summer camp
dance recital disaster
of '07.
Oh, come on.
It couldn't have been
that bad.
A girl died, Angie.
Died in my arms.
Of embarrassment, that is.
But I really need your help.
I can still
hear their laughter.
I'm not taking no
for an answer.
- [bell rings]
- Wyatt, I--
I'm taking your running away
as a yes!
Practice starts at 4:00.
[chattering]
[scoffs]
[Female Teacher]
Okay, students.
Super-fascinating class today.
Everyone pull out their copy
of Fun with Phoenician Theorems.
Night, ladies.
[laughs]
[sighing]
[knocking]
[Teacher]
Dante?
[knocking continues]
- Dante?
- [no audible dialogue]
- Dante!
- [screams] Butterscotch!
Don't hurt me.
[whimpering]
[clearing throat]
- Who's your friend?
- Hmm?
- Uh
- [speaks gibberish]
He's, uh-- He's a bar--
He's BobArarian.
His sister's a librarian.
[chuckling]
Yeah, seriously.
Weird how life
works out that way.
He's, uh, my parole officer.
Yeah. He's gotta shadow me
to make sure I don't go crazy
and rip it up
or something.
- Court ordered.
- You're dangerous, Dante.
I like dangerous.
[chuckling] Oh, Maggie,
you've got issues.
I like issues.
Try to keep him awake.
[speaks gibberish]
[students murmuring]
[speaks gibberish]
[whimpering]
Aahh.
[laughing]
- [bones cracking]
- Aaahhh!
- [grunts]
- [laughter]
[laughter continues]
[growls]
Hey!
You think that's funny?
What? No, Big Joe.
I was the only one
not laughing.
- Tell him I wasn't--
- Mm-mm.
- Awesome. Thanks.
- Welcome.
So because I'm tough,
I can't not be funny?
Yes. No.
Can you repeat the question
without the double-negative?
All right. New question.
How would you like
to see your eyeballs get
knocked out of your skull?
I don't know.
Anatomically speaking,
how would I see my eyeballs
knocked out of my skull?
Unless the ocular muscle
First English, now science?
You're gonna get
Big Joe'd in quad,
after school.
[bell ringing]
Aah!
[students murmuring]
[Bob grunting]
Hey, Big Joe,
you know what happens
to the bully at the end
of every bully story?
He gets what's coming to him.
- You know that, right?
- Yeah.
You gotta stop talking
and start cowering.
Bring it.
[students]
Ooh.
- Aah.
- Ooh.
- [bones cracking]
- [students gasping]
- Thanks, bud.
[- speaks gibberish]
Bob, Big Joe.
Big Joe, Bob.
Bob is my cousin
from the Prima region
of the Ankersbank Forest.
He's got a 75% chance
of a critical hit
against walking clichés
like you.
What? You get someone else
- to fight your battles
for you? Ow.
- Mmm!
Duh. What am I,
some sort of nube?
Okay. We're done here.
Bob.
[speaks gibberish]
[grunts]
Try not to rip
both his arms off.
- Unless you're feeling it.
- [Bob growls]
How awesome is that guy?
He made Maggie believe
I'm a wanted man in 15 states
and two Canadian provinces--
Minnesota and North Dakota.
By the way,
Maggie loves bad boys.
[imitates gun firing]
Yeah. I think you should be
thinking less about Maggie
and more about
that geography test
you have tomorrow.
I don't have a geography
test tomorrow.
You know, I don't know
what I'm more mad about--
Angie hounding me
to be her new dance partner
or you guys bringing
the leak to school.
- [mutters]
- Relax.
- Bob's amazing.
- Bob?
- Yeah, that's what
we're calling him-- Bob.
- Bob.
Ararian.
His sister's a librarian.
He's actually very useful.
For what? Face massages?
As a bodyguard.
[singsong voice]
And a chick magnet.
Besides,
if we have leaks,
we can send him in
as our infantry.
Yep. He's our knight
in shag-leather armor.
All right. Okay.
Okay.
As long as you guys
keep him away
from the gold mine,
then I guess we can keep him.
We're keeping him!
We're keeping him!
We're keeping him!
We're keeping him!
We're keeping him!
We're keeping him!
[grunts]
[sniffs, grunts]
[laughing]
[grunting]
Why didn't you take him
to your HQ?
Max kicked us out
while he was conducting
one of his secret experiments.
One of the few downsides
of having
an eccentric billionaire
as your benefactor.
- [Bob grunts]
- Uh,
so can he crash here
or what?
And by "crash here,"
I mean literally.
I shouldn't have said that.
Okay. Do your realize
that it's wrong to use this
N.P., whatever, as your
little plaything, right?
He's not a toy.
Technically, he is.
Come on, Angie,
sweetheart, darling,
mi señorita carretilla.
Your wheelbarrow señorita?
Is that what that means?
- [snickers]
- Well, cut me some slack,
all right?
I sit behind a major hottie
in Spanish class.
- She's--
- It's just for one night,
until we figure
something else out.
You said your family
was out of town?
That's right! He's strong.
He can hunt for you
while they're away.
Yeah. I don't need a hunter
since they invented something
called the grocery store.
He can move furniture
and hold your bed up
while you're sleeping
and rock it
back and forth gently,
like you're on a boat.
That actually sounds fun.
I'd like that.
Yeah. It's awesome.
- [pop, faint]
- [grunts]
[stomping feet to the beat]
Huh. He's got rhythm.
- [chuckling]
- [continues stomping feet]
I'll take him.
Now shoo.
[chuckling continues]
I see potential.
But first, you need to cut
the seafood out of your diet.
[moans]
Winner.
No, it's three to the right,
hop, pivot, hop,
three to the left.
[speaks gibberish]
Aw. Don't beat
yourself up.
[speaks gibberish]
[chuckles]
Yes.
Legit.
- [grunt]
- [mouths words]
[whispering]
Bob.
[whimpers]
- No-- No--
- [clears throat]
So, uh, yeah,
are we going to burn
some star down tonight?
- 'Cause I was thinking--
- No.
No.
What?
Why is that dude
stroking your face?
Who?
Oh, him. Oh, yeah.
- He's, um
- [speaks gibberish]
sculpting me
for my Lyle Hugginson
Football Hall of Awesome.
Yeah, this is just
part of his process--
- observing me--
- [whispering] Bob.
feeling my bone structure,
you know--
ohh, measuring my ear depth.
Yeah, that's nasty.
Don't knock it
till you try it.
Maybe what's in there
tastes like cinnamon.
Nope. Not like cinnamon
or anything else I'd want
to sprinkle on toast.
Good morning, class.
Boo!
Apparently I'll be teaching
to 19 out of 20 of you.
[laughing]
Barbarians.
These scourge
of the fifth century,
these merciless, brainless,
- hedonistic
- [growls]
[Girl gasps]
thoughtless, ugly hoards
were the most reviled monsters
civilized society
had ever known.
- [growling]
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy.
Hey, guys. Wyatt, Dante,
a little help here.
He's not talking
about you, Bob.
[growling]
Okay, okay.
Let's not listen
to Mr. Spinader.
You are a lovely,
tender soul.
Right?
You're twitching, Bob.
Carrying on
with the lesson
- [gasping]
- Every man for themself!
[grunts]
[roars]
[Dante, Wyatt, Angie shouting]
Bob, stop!
Bob, he was just stereotyping.
Not all barbarians
are the same.
[shouting]That was my project.
And you!
How dare you
insult this man's
proud heritage.
Shame on you.Shame!
Uh, I'm sorry.
We, um, celebrate diversity here
at Daventry Hills High School.
I should've been
more sensitive.
Please don't
have me fired.[roaring]
Nooo!
Hush, little Bobby
Don't say a word
Dante's gonna buy you
a brand-new sword ♪
And if that sword
don't slice and dice ♪[students humming]
Dante's gonna
[Wyatt]
Uhh
Dante's gonna buy you
some beans and rice ♪
And if those beans and rice
Grow cold
That's it!
It's burn time.
Come on! Everybody has
a bad day now and then.
[muttering]
Dude, do you see a piñata?
This is not a birthday party,
it's a going-away party.
Seriously, hurry up, Dante.
Lunch is almost over.
I'm disorienting him.
This is gonna be
very traumatic,
and I don't want him to know
that you're putting him down
like someone's pet ferret
who, yes, may have had rabies,
but was also very cute
and didn't bite.
That often.
[sighs]
Sorry, buddy.
This has nothing
to do with me.
Other than using our friendship
to lure you here.
[speaks gibberish]
I love you, too, Bob.
[sighs]
Why are you making me
do this?
[whirring]
[speaks gibberish]
Now.
[laughs]
[speaks gibberish][Dante laughing]
Ooh. Tasty.
So, uh, apparently Bob
is a little higher level
than we thought.
So we're keeping him?
No.
We're not keeping him.
We need to
take him to Max.
If anyone can figure out
a way to send this guy back,
- he can.
- [belches]
I don't know what
you expect me to do.
You can't destroy him.
There's no way
to get rid of him.
Unless you can open
some kind of portal
to the game.
But that would be
incredibly reckless.
You would have to be
some kind of a mad genius
with unlimited funding
and a complete disregard
for anyone else's well-being,
right?
So how close are you
to doing it?
- Weeks. Days, maybe.
- Well
I'll show you
what I've got so far.
[speaks gibberish]
You have potty trained him,
right?
[grunts]
[belches]
- Ooh.
- [sniffing]
That's possum.
- That's possum.
- [beeping]
[whoosh]
I'm still working out
a few of the kinks.
So before we send
your new friend in,
we might wanna do
a test run.
[karate yells]
Now, theoretically,
this watermelon
should appear in the game
where it will
become a tasty snack
for a level-8 orckle.
[laughing]
- [typing]
- It'll appear here.
The problem is
keeping things in there.
Want to see me
try a pineapple?
- [Lyle, Wyatt] No!
- I'd like to see that.
Maybe if, uh--
if I try it--
Whoa! Girlie, back up.
A, no one codes
on the master's computer
save the master.
You think da Vinci
shared his crayons?
No! Secondly,
if I can't figure it out,
you never will.
I'm a genius.
[roaring]
[Dante, Bob yelling]
Just try not
to pound on the keys.
[yelling continues]
Okay. I think I got it.
It looks like
a power supply issue.
- So if this patch works
- [electricity arcs]
And it does.
Hey, Quarterback,
throw the long ball
with that pineapple.
Right.
[grunts]
- Oh-ho-ho!
- Yeah!
What? No.
I must've done that.
Thanks for letting me
borrow your crayons, Max.
Bob, it's time for you
to go home.
- [grunts]
- What?
That's right.
Back to the game.
- No, we don't have to--
- Lots of unbelievably smooth
- digital faces to pet there.
- [speaks gibberish]
It's okay. You'll have
your own thatch hut,
your own dirt bed,
all the grog that you can drink.
[speaks gibberish]
Aaahhh!
- [breathing heavily]
- Don't worry, baby.
Don't worry, baby.
We'll text, we'll visit.
We're gonna reign together.
We're gonna do it all, okay?
- Yeah. All right.
- No.
- Yep.
- No!
Hey, what do you think
you're doing?
- Ohh!
- Huh?
This is why
we lock doors, people.
What does it look
like we're doing?
Like you're sending
my new dance partner
back into the game.
His act stays here!
Dance partner? You hypocrite.
I need him for a noble cause--
me winning.
No. You're the one
who said he wasn't a toy.
He is a toy, and he's my toy,
and I need him!
- I need him, too!
- No!
No, you are not a toy.
You are a bloodthirsty savage
who listens to no one.
- Get in the portal.
- You are not a savage,
you're an artist.
No, you're a menace
to society.
No, you're the best friend
a boy could ever have.
[shouting]
- My toy!
- [device beeping]
Another leak?
Ohh
- [yells]
- Uh-oh.
Who's she? Hmm?
Wife.
Huh? Ooh.
- [grunts]
- Aah!
Oh, cute couple.
[whimpering]
[Lyle]
Whew!
But like I said,
that kind of just
worked itself out.
You know, I--
I hate to see him go,
but it seems like
he and his wife
have something just
really special.
Sorry you lost
your dance partner, Angie.
Ohh.
But I found
a new dance partner.
- Well, that's good.
- Future favor.
Oh. Called in.
Wait
[Boy] Give it up
for Daventry Hills'
own Angie Priesco
and her partner
as they perform
"Celtic Fire."
- What's up with that guy?
- I have no idea.
[applause]
[Irish folk music]
- Is it weird for me
to enjoy this?
- No.
- She's not bad.
- No, she's not bad at all.
[snickering]
[laughter]
Oh, this is fantastic.
Whoo!
[audience clapping along
with rhythm]
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
[ends]
Whoo!
Whoo!
That was the best!
- [students shouting]
- [Girl] Good job, Angie!
How do you top that?
[Boy]
Nice dress, Wyatt!