Lucky Louie s01e01 Episode Script

Papa, can we play outside? - No.
- Why? Because it's 5:00 in the morning.
It's too early.
Why? The sun hasn't come up yet.
Why? Because the sun comes up later.
Why? Well, the earth goes around, and when it turns a certain amount, the sun shows on the horizon.
Why? I don't know.
Why? Why don't you know, Papa? Because I didn't pay attention in school, okay? I didn't listen in class.
Why? Because I was high all the time.
I smoked too much pot.
Why? I didn't think it would matter.
Why? I just figured my life would come together on its own.
But then I met your mom, and you came along.
So now I work at the muffler shop.
Why? Well, it's too late for me to pursue a career now, and since your mom has a job with benefits I stay home and I take care of you, 'cause what I make is pretty much just a joke.
Why? Well, the service economy replaced manufacturing and there's no real jobs in America anymore.
Why? We had good jobs for a while, but it's just 'cause we were lucky and now we're unlucky.
Why? It's just the way it goes.
Why? 'Cause God is dead and we're alone.
Okay.
"Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience.
Make a wish, make a wish! Hey hey.
Listen, you guys, thanks for inviting me.
I love birthday parties.
Well, Lucy loves having her Uncle Jerry here.
Right, Lucy? Yeah yeah, Uncle Jerry's great.
Let's open some presents.
Here, open our present, Lucy.
Oh, I'm so excited.
- A doll! - Oh! It's your first Barbie! I couldn't believe when I went into her room she has no Barbies.
As you know how I feel about Barbies and that they completely misrepresent women Oh phooey.
Girls love Barbies.
Look how happy she is.
I don't want my daughter to grow up and worship a tiny stripper.
- Okay.
Another present, come on.
- Yeah.
- That's from us.
- Oh, this is from Walter and Ellen and Lisa, our new neighbors.
Thanks, guys.
Oh.
Oh no, but that Barbie's great.
- Now she's got one of each.
- What? I don't like the black Barbie.
- Hey, man, I think - Shh.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Oh no, that's okay.
- Birthdays are hard.
- Hey hey hey.
- Make her open my gift.
- Hey, great idea! Open Uncle Jerry's gift.
Come on, Lucy.
What did you get? What did you get? - What'd you get? What'd you get? - Oh boy! Jesus! Jesus, what is wrong with you, Jerry? What? It's a replica.
It's going over better than the black Barbie.
She can't have this, Jerry.
Take it home with you.
Aw.
Oh, come on.
Wow, this party sucks now.
Yeah, I think that's her limit, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Walter, thanks for bringing Lisa over.
- It's just across the hall.
- But we're really glad you came, still.
Okay.
Thanks a lot.
It's been a great time.
We'll come back when she's 21.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you at work.
Sorry I ruined your party.
I mean, it was a nice party.
Oh, it's okay.
Here, take this food - and get home safe.
- Okay, thanks.
Hey, what if I gave it to her in a couple of years when she's older? No, man.
Just go, please.
It's just that it was expensive, you know? Yeah, all right.
I'm gonna give her a bath.
Will you clean up? Yeah.
Oh please, you don't want to eat this.
This is all hydrogenated oils, total crap.
Don't eat the cake out of the garbage! - What? - Are you eating in there? Yeah! Oh oh my God.
Do you know where her old duck is? It has to be the old duck.
- Mommy! - I'm getting the duck, sweetie.
- The old duck! - Yes, the old duck! Fucking duck.
Oh! Jesus! Christ.
Jesus, Kim.
Jessica Simpson, really? I'm not jerking off to her music.
Hey, she's getting dressed.
Are you gonna drop her off? Yeah.
I made you some tea here.
Oh, thanks.
So is now a good time to talk about the closet? Do we have to talk about that ever? Hey, man, I'm just curious.
I mean how often do you do that? Not very.
Just whenever you're not around.
Wow.
So do you do it in the other rooms or is the closet special? - Come on.
- Okay okay.
What do you think about when you do that? Lots of things.
Do you ever think about me? What are you, high? Why would I do that? Honey, that's magic time.
I can think about anybody.
I can even combine women.
I can take Britney Spears' head and put it on Barbara Bush's body - Okay okay, it's fine.
I understand.
- Well, look, I'm not proud of this, if that's what you think.
This is all I got! This is it for me! We haven't done anything in ages.
Ages-es-es-es! I thought when I got married I was done masturbating in closets, but I know, I know.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay that you do that.
I just don't want you to have to do that.
So listen don't make any plans for this week, okay? Why? Because you and I are gonna have sex every day until Sunday.
Really? Yup.
Okay? Yeah.
God, this worked out a lot better than when my mom caught me jerking off.
I'm all dressed, Mommy.
I got my shoes on myself! - Hey, good job.
- I was saying that to Mama, not you! Yeah, well, I'm here too, damn it! - Papa said a bathroom word.
- Yeah, I know.
Come on.
Hey, uh, I'll clean up.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Thanks a lot.
- All right, no problem.
Yeah, man, I'll clean up anything if you'd suck my dick once in a while.
Hey, Walter, how you doin'? I'm okay.
Uh, thanks again for inviting us last night.
We haven't met that many people since we moved in, and Oh.
Oh, listen, uh We didn't just throw away the black Barbie.
We threw them both away.
No, we did.
Look.
I swear to God see? Look, the white Barbie.
- We threw both away - Yeah, I got it.
You know, I was just offended that you threw our gift away.
It didn't occur to me there was a racist angle.
Hey, man, what did you buy her a black Barbie for anyway? Because the black Barbies were half off.
Hey guys, I brought you some fresh coffee.
- Hey, thanks.
- What? What do you mean, "What?" I mean "What the fuck?" You never buy me anything, you stingy prick.
- I'm in a good mood.
- Why? Well, Kim told me not to make any plans because she wants to have sex every night this week until Sunday.
When was the last time you got laid? About four months ago.
Okay, when's the last time you guys had sex? A couple of times this morning.
I got a hand job in the parlor about two weeks ago.
Hey, nice.
Hey.
Well, look, l all right.
I have seven days of sex ahead of me.
That's all I know.
For exactly seven days, huh? Why? - I don't know, she - Wake up, dummy.
- She wants to have another kid.
- What? No, wait a minute.
What about your wife? Is she trying to get pregnant too? Nah, Tina shut down her womb after Jackie was born.
So, you know, I just slip it in whenever.
It's a non-issue, you know, but with Kim I can see it in her eyes.
She wants another baby.
Just another little baby, eh? What do you think, Louie, this morning she just woke up and looked at your dirty freckled cock and thought to herself, "Oh yeah, I want that stuck in me"? Maybe.
Listen up, douche.
Women are bad.
Rich, just 'cause your wife divorced you and took all your stuff - doesn't mean - That is what opened my eyes to the truth.
And the truth is women are powerful.
They're dangerous.
They used to rule the world, you know.
Men were slaves.
That's retarded.
How could women rule over us? We can kick their ass.
Yeah, but you see, the mothers ruled.
And you can't raise your hand to your mother.
I'll hit my mother.
I'll punch her right in the face.
Now you can.
Because we rose up.
And then, pfff we laid the patriarchy on 'em.
And then we expunged the whole thing from the history books and started anew.
Just like "Planet of the Apes.
" - Hi, Rich.
- Hey, Paul.
Meet me in the bathroom! All right, well, I gotta sell some weed.
- Oh, hey, Walter.
- Hi.
Hey, man, listen.
Just give me a second, all right? Listen, what happened this morning I don't know, man, can you just give me the benefit of the doubt and just forget it? - Sure.
- Wait wait.
Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night and bring the girls? - Actually - Let me make it up to you, come on.
I get home late tomorrow, so But we can have a late dinner.
It's no big deal.
I'll make meatballs.
Come on, please.
- All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, man, great! I'll see you then, man, okay! All right! Bye, Walter.
Hello.
Is that a new T-shirt? What? It looks really good on you.
Maybe you're losing weight.
You just look really good tonight.
Thanks.
That's a Wait.
Why are you doing this? I want your dick.
No, seriously.
Yeah.
I need it so bad.
You need my dick? Oh yeah.
It's great.
You've been hating my dick for like four months now.
Now you need it? What's up with that? Well, I forgot how great it is and then I just remembered.
- Are you trying to get pregnant? - Yes.
Yeah, see? You don't want my dick.
Yes, I do.
I want it to get pregnant with.
Jesus Christ.
Kim, we can't afford another baby.
But we always said we'd have two kids.
We agreed when we had Lucy that we wouldn't make her be alone.
Yeah, but not now.
Do you know how much we have in checking right now? Negative $50.
We have to raise 50 bucks to be broke.
I don't care.
I'm not waiting.
Lucy is four already.
I'm getting pregnant right now.
You ain't getting pregnant without my sperm.
That is not your sperm.
That is our sperm! That's my sperm! Give it to me! Give it! Papa, Mama! Papa, will you read this book to me? Yes, thank God, I will read it to you.
Okay Once upon a time there was a family of bears a Mama Bear, a Papa Bear and one Baby Bear.
Well, are you guys trying to get pregnant again? I'm trying.
He's just being a baby.
I can't believe he turned down sex.
Mmm.
Sure he's not getting something on the side? Oh, please! Do you know he barely ever washes? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm the only woman who's getting near him at this point.
I love him and everything, but ugh.
See, I don't get that.
I like sex too much.
Mike doesn't wash.
I just hold my nose and fuck him.
Have you tried holding your nose? I'm not the problem.
He is.
He won't fuck me 'cause he's worried about money.
You charge him for sex? He thinks we can't afford another baby.
Oh, Christ.
Well, there's your problem right there he's thinking.
You got to get beyond his mind and get all his blood flowing to his little fatty down there, and then he will forget everything, let alone about money.
Yeah, I tried that last night and he didn't go for it.
Well, you gotta seduce the bastard.
You can't let him make the choice.
It's up to you.
You gotta just grab him and just ooh, squeeze and hold him and go, "Oh God, honey, I love you so much.
Oh, baby, I love you.
Oh, you like that? Yeah, I like it too.
Ooh, that feels good.
Ooh, does it feel good to you? Yeah, I like when you oh yeah.
Oh, baby, you're my sweet tiger angel pudding.
Ooh, I love you so" What? I'm gonna buy it.
Bitch.
Sorry, I forgot my glass.
Oh, look at the dirty dirty stove.
Ooh.
Cut it out.
Why, am I turning you on? Yes, dummy.
Well, do something about it, you big fucking pole-smoker.
We can't afford it.
Stop thinking about money.
The only thing you should be thinking about is all this ass.
We can't afford it! Yeah, talk to it, baby.
Look, I would love to tap that ass.
So tap it.
I want to, but my dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin.
Are you serious? I'm sorry, I need at least $3000 in an interest-bearing account to get fully hard.
I said I'm sorry.
Shit.
Hey, hi, guys.
Great.
Well, thanks for dinner.
One time me and my friends were at the park and my friend's little brother was running in the sand That's great, sweetie.
Go have a good time, okay? So how's the sex week going? Aw, you were right.
She was just trying to get pregnant.
So what? So, I gotta choose between another kid or no sex for another year.
Aw, go ahead, have another one.
That's how life goes: You fuck, you have kids, you eat.
That's all.
Look at me.
Yeah, I guess I'm just being a pussy about it.
You know what? It's not even the money.
- We had less money when we had Lucy.
- So what's your problem? It's just that I feel like I got nothing to do with what happens to me.
I feel like a lobster walking into trap after trap.
The day you get married you realize, "Shit, I can't leave now.
I mean, I wasn't thinking of leaving but now I really can't leave.
" And then you have a kid, and the moment the kid arrives you realize "Shit, I could have left! I totally could have left.
The door was right there.
It wasn't even fucking locked.
" Yeah, right.
Well, that's the way you feel right now.
That's natural.
But it gets better.
- It does? - Yeah.
You see, you're just on your first wife.
Now with your first wife you make all the mistakes.
But with your second wife you try to correct those mistakes, but you make new, worse ones.
But the third wife, heh ah, there's a marriage.
Yeah, you'll enjoy that.
Well, thanks, but I guess I still hold out hope that I can make this one work.
Good luck with that.
- There's these pretty dolls - Mm-hmm.
and one has a really pretty pink sparkly dress - Mm-hmm.
and another one comes with this really really pretty horse.
And another one comes with this cool motorcycle.
That's great, sweetie.
Listen, uh, just tell Mom I'll be in in a minute, okay? - Hey, Walter - Oh, Jesus! Hey listen, man, you gotta let me apologize for the other night Look, don't bother.
Can't we just be neighbors and strangers? We're having a barbecue in the courtyard tomorrow.
- You guys could come, and - Look, man, let me put this simply: I don't like you.
That's okay.
I don't care.
Just come tomorrow and we'll get to know each other You know what's so offensive about this to me? I get the distinct feeling that you're just trying to acquire a black friend.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.
But I'm not doing it for me.
I'm doing it for my daughter.
How's that? Look, when Lucy was two years old, we had this guy over to fix the refrigerator, and he was black.
So Lucy says, "Refrigerator," and the guy says, "That's right, refrigerator.
" Okay, like, two months later we're on a bus downtown, and she sees another black person.
And she points at him and says "Refrigerator.
" That's when I realized my daughter needs to know some black people.
I understand.
But I still don't like you.
It's okay.
Just pretend.
- Okay, I'll try.
- Great, so you'll come tomorrow? Will there actually be a barbecue when we get there? Yes, I promise.
Hey man, I guess it's worth it, if I can let one little white girl learn the difference between a black man and a refrigerator.
Okay, my check is for $1200 and yours is for $118.
So what bills do we have to pay today? We have to pay the rent, and we need the lights to stay on and the gas and the heat.
Do we need a phone? - No.
Cut it off.
- Yeah.
Hi, uh We need to cash these checks and we need to pay these bills and we'll take what's left in cash.
Okay.
I guess I'm just gonna have to work a lot of overtime this month.
Listen, whatever we got left from this let's go out to dinner with it, all right? And your change is gonna be 5¢.
Listen, you're right.
We can't have another kid.
This is all too much.
I mean, I want another one, but I think I'm just being stupid.
All this debt is just too much.
Wait a minute.
What about Lucy being alone and all that stuff? None of that meant anything, I don't think.
Jesus, honey.
What are you doing? I just wanted a little baby.
I just wanted another little baby.
I know it doesn't make any sense now.
I just wanted one, that's all.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.
At least we already have a baby.
We have a really nice baby.
Some people don't even have that.
Oh God.
Gotta get home.
Hey You want some gum? Yeah.
What the hell?! Hey, this ate my nickel.
Louie, let's just go home.
Hey, I want my nickel.
The shitty candy machine ate it! Go away, sir.
Hey, man, no fucking way! This isn't right! - Louie.
- Look, you want another baby, and maybe it's for a stupid reason, but what, am I supposed to let them tell us the phone company and the cable company? Am I supposed to let them am I supposed to let you tell me that we can't have another baby? That's right, sir.
Well, guess what, asshole, we're gonna go home and we're gonna make another baby right now.
Wow, honey, you got like an anger boner right now.
I'm gonna fuck your tits off.
Oh!