MacGruber (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
This is the story of the greatest man
to ever walk the earth,
MacGruber.
He was a military secret weapon
America's favorite son
Doing whatever it takes
to keep the country safe
Been ripping throats
out just for fun
His prowess on the battlefield
Was only equaled in the sack
He knew how to hump
and, baby, I should know
I was his wife so I humped him back
Wow.
But our marriage
lasted seven seconds
'Cause at the altar
as we pledged our love
I was blown up by
MacGruber's nemesis
The piece of shit named
Dieter von Cunth
Then a bunch of fucking years later
Cunth hijacked a nuclear bomb
Well, Mac assembled a team
that was hungry and mean
But they exploded in a van
A backup team was assembled
Dixon Piper was his right hand man
And my best friend Vicki St. Elmo
Joined MacGruber and
they formed a plan
But while they were on the mission
Mac and Vicki both developed a crush
They tracked down Cunth
and blew his compound up
And in their spare
time, they boned a bunch
Their relationship
Progressed super quickly
They were the love
of each other's life
And after more flirting
MacGruber was certain
And he asked Vicki to be his wife
But just when you thought
everything was safe
Cunth came back from the dead
And just like me, he
tried to kill Vicki
On their motherfuckin' wedding day
But MacGruber fought hard
and killed that fucker
And threw him off a cliff
Then using Piper's gun
Mac shot Cunth full of holes
And then pissed on
his smoldering corpse
So spread the words,
ya frickin' turds
MacGruber is the man
Now you're all caught up
and you can watch the show
Send complaints to
this woman Susanne
Go get it, Bailey.
Nightingale is secure.
She's all good, Mr. President.
- Thanks, Ronnie.
- Hey, grab a cookie.
John, are you gonna come help me
or am I gonna have to decorate
this whole tree all by myself?
I'm sorry, hon. I-I gotta finish up
a little light reading
from the Joint Chiefs.
Bah humbug.
North Pole, Santa speaking.
Hello, Mr. President.
Who the hell is this?
Bailey
Bailey!
You take from me, I take from you.
Lucy.
Bailey?
Go, go, go!
Are you sure about this, sir?
No, Major, I'm not.
This son of a bitch is our only hope.
And what if he says no?
Then God help us.
He's been in and out
of the special housing unit
since he got here.
He's what we like to call
a "problem inmate."
Why is that?
Let's just say
he doesn't play well with others.
Shit.
Fuck it. Just leave it, man.
I'll go get it.
Are you trying to steal my ball?
See, it's on my side of the yard,
so, the way I see it,
this is my ball now.
Good news is, I'm gonna let you keep it.
The bad news?
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
Do you like things up your ass, boy?
Huh? I said,
do you like things up your ass?
I like things in my butt.
What the fuck you just say?
Thought I was speaking pretty clearly.
I said, "I like things in my butt."
So why don't you leave the kid alone
and come put your little
rubber ball up inside me?
Did you hear that, you
fucking piece of shit?
- You got a death wish, man?
- Why, are you a genie?
No, I'm the guy who's gonna
pound your fucking face in.
Nice to meet you, guy who's
gonna pound my fucking face in.
My name is let the kid go
or I'll kill you and
all your fucking friends
Love Hewitt.
But, hey, we're getting
off track here, bud.
You got a perfectly nice ball,
and I have a desire
to have that ball up my butt.
So I guess the only question is:
are you gonna jam it up
there or am I?
Lucky me.
We done here?
Hit him!
God damn it, Pierce. Shut this down now.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, son.
I'd like to see this.
Pretty satisfying main course so far.
Hope you saved room for dessert.
Or should I say dis dirt!
Throat rip! Throat rip, throat rip!
Is this what you want?
- Yeah!
- Is it?
Shut it down.
Sorry, bud, but for you,
that's all she throat.
Open 104.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old friend,
Lieutenant Colonel Barrett Fasoose.
It's General Fasoose now.
Sorry, General.
Who's the cherry?
- Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
- It's an honor to meet you, sir.
Save the fuckin' Boy
Scout shit for someone
who gives a flying funk.
I'll cut to the chase.
We need you, MacGruber.
Of course you do.
The government is prepared
to release you from prison,
restore your pension, and
grant you a full pardon.
Oh, a full pardon!
You mean, for a crime I didn't commit?
You killed an unarmed man
in front of 75 people
at your own wedding.
Unarmed?
He shot a rocket-propelled RPG
at our wedding pagoda!
You could've just arrested him.
Instead you threw him off a cliff,
riddled him with bullets,
and urinated on his corpse.
Cunth deserved everything
he got, and you know that.
Well, the jury felt differently.
Well, fuck the fucking jury.
Look, Mac, I understand you're angry,
but we're offering you a way out here.
And this one comes all
the way from the top.
The President?
Oh, my God.
I-I've been waiting
for this day for ten years.
Oh, my God, I'm a free man.
There's a catch.
It's a suicide mission, Mac.
Major, give us a second.
Sir.
In exactly 46 hours,
there's going to be a hostage exchange.
And I'm the hostage.
The kidnappers requested
you specifically.
Flattering.
They left this as some
kind of calling card.
Said it would explain
your death sentence.
Look familiar?
Never seen it before.
Shame, 'cause this is all we've got.
Well, sucks to be you.
Look, super tempting offer,
but it's a hard pass.
Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.
Oh, for my country, huh?
Let me tell you a little
something about my country.
I risked my life for my country.
I saved her from
a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.
And what did my country do for me?
Destroyed my marriage,
took a dump in my reputation's mouth,
and caged me like a wild animal.
So fuck my country!
And fuck you.
Merry Christmas, MacGruber.
Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday to you
- Open it.
Happy birthday, dear MacGruber
Down now!
Mommy!
One flannel shirt.
One tan vest.
One pair of denim jeans.
One wedding ring, gold.
One pair of sunglasses.
One locket, gold.
One car stereo, Blaupunkt.
Sign on the line.
Who let the dog out?
This way, MacGruber.
You wish.
Sir, we have strict instructions
to take you straight
to NSA headquarters.
Well, I'm sure you do.
I'm afraid this isn't a request.
Look
I have one day left on this Earth.
One fucking day.
Please let me go say my goodbyes.
Sorry. My hands are tied.
I understand.
Shit. Shoelaces.
Damn it. Call it in.
Threat assessment.
Awareness, detection, response.
Always be on the lookout,
because if you're not on your game,
that's you in a body bag.
So to recap,
U-turns are okay at an intersection
unless a sign explicitly prohibits it.
Any other questions on U-turns?
I have a question.
What the hell are you doing here?
What happens if you've,
uh, done something
that you regret with all your heart?
Something that made one of
your most dependable allies
lose faith in you.
Is it possible to, uh,
U-turn in that situation?
Like, say you murdered someone.
Someone who deserved it.
And then in court,
you got really scared,
like shit your pants scared.
So you pinned some of
the blame on your friend
Who did throw you the
murder weapon, by the way.
But then that friend got
kicked out of the military,
was forced to teach traffic school
to a bunch of fuckin' losers
'cause his life went down the toilet.
Could that friend ever
U-turn his feelings
toward that friend who fucked his life,
if that friend The first friend,
the accused murderer
Was as sorry as the sorriest person
ever in the history of the universe?
Hello, Piper.
- Class dismissed.
- No, not dismissed.
Wait, Piper. Piper, bud!
Look, I blew it, with a capital B.
Blew it? You ruined my life.
You took away everything
I'd been working toward
and threw it in the garbage.
Yeah, and then I went to jail, dude.
So did I!
Five years for aiding and abetting.
And now, thanks to you,
I'm a convicted felon
and I'll never work
in the military again.
No. For sure, you won't.
And I apologize with my whole heart,
base to tip,
so you have to forgive me.
No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.
Never ever say never ever.
Remember I said that to you once?
And you said it back to me
a couple days later?
Come here.
Fuck you, MacGruber.
Al Green took you to the river
Berlin took your breath away
The Eagles took it to the limit
Janis Joplin
Took another little
piece of your heart
But I
Don't wanna take
I wanna give and I wanna live
And I forgive your primitive
And pre-emptive attempt to shake
And bake the rake
That held my guard and take
- Vicki.
- Your heart
But you left me like a mess
Oh, I confess, I failed the test
To bless my quest to be the best
To win your heart which was a part
Of the start of my art
which turned me upside down
A frowning clown all around the town
Who wore a crown and
made the sound of
- What the fuck is this?
- Shh.
The bubbles small and tall
and heeded the call
And went to the mall
with Lauren Bacall
And the late Lou Rawls
and a Cabbage Patch doll
And then in the bar, in the car
With a star ate a Larabar
With a pirate, arr
And I met a robot
whose name was Bobot
And we shared a loquat
on a tropical donut
I love to shove above the dove
Wearing oven gloves with Hilary Duff
But then Jimmy Buffett
took the tuffet
From Little Miss Muffet
And he told her to stuff it
Oh, what a good time
with a friend of mine
And we started to rhyme
and it flowed like wine
And it went like this
Back hair, fair, tear,
share, Nair, hair
Stare, lair, dare, pear, mare
Mohair, kiss, piss,
tis, list, wiz, this
Shiz, Liz, yes, yes,
this, biss, liss
Doesn't have to exist
if you say it with zest
There's no rhyme or reason
'Cause you don't need a reason
To run all the time
Lime, slime, by mine
I love you, friend
I love you, lover
I love
Love
Thank you.
That's too much. Thank you.
Fuckin' good.
I'd listen to that on the radio.
Okay, give it up for
Victoria St. Elmo Fasoose.
- You liked it?
- Outstanding.
Oh, my gosh! Are you sure?
- Outstanding.
- Oh, I was so nervous.
- It wasn't too short?
- No.
Oh, my gosh, I was so nervous.
You were great.
Oh, oh, yes.
Oh, right there. Oh, that's amazing.
- Oh, my king!
- So close, so close.
- So close.
- Oh, you are my king!
So close, so close.
Close, close, oh. Oh.
- Oh, you're my king.
- Oh.
Bravo.
MacGruber?
Oh. Oh!
Hope I wasn't disturbing anything.
God damn it.
Where the hell have you been, MacGruber?
Half of D.C. is looking
for you right now.
Relax, I'm gonna do
your stupid ass mission.
Maybe you've forgotten how things work.
Remember protocol? Chain of command?
God damn it, we expected you
at Langley this afternoon!
And I expected me to be married forever.
But my first wife got blown
up at the goddamn altar
and my second wife left
me to rot in prison
and is currently fucking some shit-dick
who can barely get her off
in the sack three times.
So, sorry to break it to you, General,
but things don't always
go as planned, do they?
Do they?
It must've been hard to see.
And hear
and smell.
Look, Mac, you were
given a life sentence.
Victoria had to move on.
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
Where the hell you think you're going?
Don't worry. I'll be there.
Mac, my ass is on the line here
And my life is on the line!
I'll be there.
And, look,
I don't mind that you put
your penis in Vicki's vagina,
but put it in her heart too.
You got it, Mac.
So this is it?
Barrett told you.
Enough to know that this might be
my last chance to say goodbye.
Well, my country has
invited me to die for it,
and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."
Uncle Sam told you to jump
and you go get your jumping shoes.
Classic MacGruber.
You don't have to do this.
And what else do I
have to live for, huh?
A fucking concrete cell?
Anyway, I just wanted
to see you one last time
before I, uh, went away.
Look, Vic
I made some mistakes.
Are you referring to when you blamed me
for Cunth's death at your trial?
- Yes.
- And you tried to persuade
the jury that it was premeditated
and I planned the whole thing?
- Uh, uh, yes.
- And then when you
pushed for the death penalty for me?
Look, we're getting in the weeds here.
I'm not proud of what I did.
But if it's any consolation,
I thought about you every
single second I was in jail.
And I understand why you
never came to visit or called.
And I truly accept your apology.
- I didn't apologize.
- Thanks.
And, look, Barrett, he's a good man.
And just know, I don't mind
that he puts his penis in your vagina.
But I hope that he puts
it in your heart too.
I just told him that but I
wanted you to hear it as well.
Good tidings, Vicki.
And I mean that.
The very best of tidings to you.
Everyone, listen up.
This is our red zone.
A hundred square miles of open
desert with zero ground cover.
The enemy will allow one vehicle only
into our red zone, but we
will have eyes in the sky.
That means, triggers off fingers
unless ordered otherwise.
We need to be on our toes, people,
'cause these are some bad-ass hombres
and they have come to play.
Why don't you just let them
finger your butt hole, General?
MacGruber.
Nice of you to show up.
You remember your butt hole, don't you?
It's right around the corner
from the balls and penis
that were pumping my wife last night.
Mac, this isn't the time or the place.
You listen here, General.
I'm kidding, bud.
'Sup, gang?
MacGruber here.
The general's in a committed
relationship with my ex-wife
and last night, I gave them my consent.
And I meant that, Barrett.
Look, I'm sorry for interrupting.
I believe you're at the part
where you were just about to explain
why you don't just let
them finger your butt hole.
Kidding. Continue.
Thank you.
The attack on POTUS
was a highly coordinated strike,
using advanced TTP and E&E capabilities.
So it's likely that our
enemy is ex-military.
Now, the exchange is set
for oh eight hundred.
That's, uh, 8 A.M. o'clock.
Eight o'clock A.M.
- That's correct.
- Ante meridiem.
That's, uh, what A.M. stands for.
- Right.
- I'd always wondered
what it stood for, and so that's it.
You know, I looked it up.
Yeah.
Continue.
E7 Davidson will lead Fire Team Bravo
to the red zone where
the packages will be exchanged.
Make no mistake, people, this will be
the most important rescue
mission of your lives.
And I wanna thank Mac for his sacrifice.
I know it wasn't an easy decision.
You mean the decision
to get killed by terrorists
and be dead forever?
- Yes.
- Well, you know
Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.
But that's the life we chose.
Death is our job.
And I know that every man
or woman in this god damn room
would make the same god damn decision
that I made 11 times out of god damn 10.
And yeah, it's brave,
and it's commendable,
and it's patriotic as shit,
but it's also contagious like the clap.
Because bravery begets bravery.
And yeah, this time, it's me.
But next time, it might be you.
Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. You get the point.
Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you. Or you.
You see what I'm saying?
Could be anyone of us.
It could be you in the back.
I haven't even looked in the back.
Could be you in the suit.
You with the thinning hair.
Double chin.
Looking at frumpy dump right there.
It could be you.
It could be anybody.
But this time, it's me.
This guy.
Please tell people I did this.
Thank you.
Entering red zone.
Bravo Team, you're on your own.
Fire Team Bravo in position.
Copy that, Bravo Team.
Set the asset and hold
tight for package.
Death, be not proud,
though some have called thee.
Mighty and dreadful,
but thou art not so.
For those who thou
Uh, who, thou, dost, uh
for for those doust
Fuck.
John Donne. John Donne.
It's been an honor
Eyes on target.
Vehicle approaching from the southwest.
Who are you, you son of a bitch?
Walk.
Stop.
Take off your clothes.
Pardon?
Take off your clothes.
But, uh can we talk
about this for a moment?
Do it or the hostage dies.
Underwear, too.
Underwear, too.
Hands on your head.
Oh, come on. Ha, ha, ha.
Five, four
Three, two
But I
Fine, fine!
Fuckin' perv!
Turn around.
What? It's super fucking cold out here!
Friggin' desert.
What the fuck?
You guys traded me for a fucking dog?
Oh, you son of a bitch, Fasoose!
You fuckin' piece of shit!
Oh, and the president's
a piece of shit, too.
Fuck him and his stupid wife
and your stupid piece of shit daughter.
Oh, oh, Jesus. It was a
Okay, it was the daughter too.
Sorry about my language.
Target acquired.
We got her, Mr. President.
General, thank you.
Why don't you stay for a little bit?
Okay, light him up.
But, sir, what about MacGruber?
I'm not gonna let
America's finest soldier
give up his god damn life to
a group of god damn terrorists,
so take the shot.
Is that clear, Major?
Yes, sir.
Eagle One, engage target.
Roger that.
Command, command
Something's wrong with
the controls. We can't
God damn it, take the shot.
We can't, sir. They're
interfering with the signal.
We lost visual.
Damn it.
No.
No, it's not possible.
Queeth?
Hello, MacGruber.