Mr. D (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1
All right, I'm Mr. Duncan.
Actually the "uncan"
is unnecessary.
You can call me Mr. D.
But, uh, we call
Mr. Dwyer "Mr. D."
Well that's going to be
confusing then for Mr. Dwyer.
Anyway, you're older kids.
I understand that.
We're really close in age,
I'm not much older really.
So, I can relate to a lot of the
things and I'm here to help you
with any problems, concerns, OK?
Anorexia, maybe some
drug problems there?
A little low self esteem?
The lip ring?
Maybe a gender issue?
You are a woman you are a woman.
A very handsome, I'm sorry,
beautiful, not handsome.
Beautiful woman.
Solved that problem.
I see these things,
I see these things because I care.
Everybody here is
from a different background.
I like that. I've been
to many, many countries.
Almost all of them.
Except for a couple hundred.
All right? Let's pick a country,
see if I've been there.
Japan. Been there. Konnichiwa.
OK, let's do another one.
Middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Have not been there. Death,
sharks, do not wanna be there.
OK. How long are these classes?
- 80 minutes.
- All right, 6
74 minutes to go.
Excuse me, sorry, thank you.
- Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm new here.
- Oh, I'm Gerry.
I'm not really new 'cause I've
been substituting for a few years.
So, it's just harder
than this regular.
- Right.
- Look at that! That is the French teacher.
- Oh.
- For sure, they're always so hot.
I teach Social Studies you know?
- What? What was that?
- Nothing.
Morning folks, settle please,
attention si vous plais.
- Everybody sit down. People!
- Hey! Sit down!
Yeah.
Thank you, yes, thanks for taking
your seats and settling everyone.
For those of you who don't know me,
my name is Vice Principal Robert Cheeley
and, uh, I'm thrilled to be
starting another exciting year here
at Xaviar Academy and my
first task, right on time,
is to introduce the Cap-i-tain.
Our fearless leader. Our hero.
Thank you. I'll take it from here.
Just a couple of things
I want to go over.
First, welcome all the new
staff. Question? Go ahead.
No I was just,
I was waving only.
OK, number two: This week is
the parent/teacher meet and greet.
I want you all to get
your game face on for that.
- This is my game face.
- Oh, good.
I would like to continue
if I could by formally
- introducing the new staff
- Gerry Duncan. Thank you.
New to this school, but I have
been substituting for years, which is
Uh, actually harder he says.
So I'm part of the social
studies department here,
but as you can tell,
my background is in physical education,
education du physique.
Boom! So
- My legs are the same.
- Thanks, Gerry, that's great.
But we should probably
get on with the meeting.
Oh, oh, oh, sorry Robert.
Number three:
Our rival, St. Pat's,
this year again
has been rated the number one
private school in the city.
We can't have this.
Now this is our main rival.
This has got to stop.
Principal Davis will be rubbing
this in my face again and again.
It all starts
with our sports teams.
So, Bobbi? Bobbi?
All right, this year let's kick
St. Pat's right in the sack!
Yeah, I am on it! Right
in the sack, sir! You got it!
- All right everybody.
- Teach hard!
I'm going to teach so hard.
- See where that phys ed teacher went?
- I'm actually a little nervous.
I don't get nervous,
I have the gift of the gab
and teaching's just gabbing
to kids really.
I shouldn't be nervous,
I have a masters in education
and a PhD in
medieval history, so
I have a masters in people and
a PhD in natural ability, so
- Those aren't real.
- Real to me.
Running in the hall,
Mr. Stratton? Congratulations.
You have the honor of being my
first detention of the year.
Can I steal him for a sec?
- What a hard ass, huh?
- Yeah!
Don't run, speed walk.
I was almost in the Olympics for
this. You can't get in trouble.
- Watch. Tell me when to say go.
- Go.
No, wait till I'm ready.
- OK, I'm ready.
- Go!
Watch! Slow, OK, see that?
See? It's all right there,
feet on the ground.
Whew! See?
All right! Stretch it out,
hold for ten.
Nice, you guys look great.
Those are some
interesting stretches.
- Just a warmup really.
- Well, they should probably run first,
- but it's your class, so
- They're training for a half marathon,
- so I'm limiting their running right now.
- Half marathon?
I finish my marathons,
but that's just me.
Anyway, if you want some help
from a fellow phys ed'er,
- I am at your beck and call.
- Actually, you know what?
They need someone to coach the 5/6
girls basketball team. How 'bout that?
Done! I will coach anything.
Let's do it up!
Yeah, just because you can do
that doesn't mean you can coach.
Anyway
Hello, Miss Trudy Walsh!
Hello, hello.
I need to make a little
announcement. Just a
- What kind of announcement?
- Very important one. Seriously!
- All right.
- Thank you, Trudy!
Check, check. What's up,
homies of Xavier Academy?
Mr. D in the house, in the school.
This is an emergency, emergency
announcement. Pay attention.
Please stop. Listen, this
is an emergency announcement.
Today, after school in the gym,
there will be a grade 5/6
girls basketball tryout in the school after with
me the coach, I'm the new coach of the team.
- After school, I'm excited!
- Give me that!
- Thank you.
- That was some emergency!
I just hope Principal Callaghan
didn't hear that!
And if he didn't,
I might have to tell him.
- What's it gonna cost to keep your silence?
- Here!
"This Friday McGillicuddy's, an
evening with Sleetwood Knack."
I'll tell you what. You bring a
friend, and your secret's safe with me.
You know what? I think
you should just tell him.
I'm sorry about bothering you.
Sleetwood Knack.
Bring it in please.
Hello, hello, hello, ladies!
Might wanna get a strap for those.
This is gonna be fun. Let me
tell you how my tryouts work.
You may notice three large
cutouts that look distinctly like me.
That's because they are me,
from when I was in high school
where I played a lot of high
school intramural basketball.
This is how the tryouts work.
If you are not as tall as the first Mr. D,
then you OK, exactly.
No, you unfortunately, I'm sorry.
I gotta cut you.
You are not even close to that size, OK?
All right? Why don't you go down
the hall and audition for Annie?
OK? The sun will
come out tomorrow, OK?
Let's give her a hand.
She got cut, but she got cut with dignity.
So that's good,
she handled that well.
I like to see that, all right?
UH Glasses,
let me see you up here.
- My name is Gabby.
- You're now Glasses.
'Cause I give everybody nicknames.
If I cut you, you can go back to Gabby.
Let's see if you're
as tall here, please.
No, she is not.
Oh! Tippy toes! Good thinking!
Smart, ambition, desire to make
the team, that is awesome!
Everybody have a seat, please.
All right?
I'm going to show you what I
expect from you in the scrimmage.
Some of this, a little bit of that,
some of this.
I don't have the right shoes on.
Bring the right shoes.
I forgot mine.
You'll lose the ball.
Come on up here. Let me see you, please.
Stand by this for a sec.
Put your hand up.
Good! On the team!
Probably the captain.
You ever played basketball?
Doesn't matter. You are on the team!
You are now Sasquatch!
Come on back up here, Glasses.
I'm going to show you a pick.
This is what we're
going to use to free up
space once we know
who our best player is. OK?
Run by me. Go ahead, run by me.
OK? That is a pick.
All right? Let me give you a hand
there, someone should help her.
That's why you need a strap.
Give her a hand for participating.
We're gonna have fun.
- How was your first day at school?
- -Amazing, actually.
- Now you gotta teach every day, eh? That sucks.
- It's amazing!
- What are you talking about?
- I get my own class, I get to coach.
- Who do they got you coaching?
- Grade 5/6 girls basketball.
- Challenging.
- Well, they kind of suck right now.
Some of the girls are actually worse
than you. But we'll have fun, I guess.
Worse than me? You can't
even do a left-handed layup.
I told you, I come
from the right side on purpose.
- I don't need to
- You guys are going to lose every game.
I guess you're OK with that,
that's fine.
Dude, these are
the players I have.
You could recruit better players.
Recruit a 12-year-old girl?
What do I, just go to
some online chat room,
- is that what you do?
- Or you could just go
to a school
and introduce yourself,
call her parents.
- Nice! Another cooler!
- Yes, sir.
- Here you go, Geraldine, yeah.
- Rock on!
Gerry, you know that!
- Done!
- Done.
This is Anne Murray Elementary.
I heard a teacher here
got stabbed in the leg
- by a kindergarten kid.
- There she is.
Candice Williams.
Best under 13 player in the city.
See her? I'm goin', I'm goin'!
- Yeah, I'm coming.
- No, stay here, honk if a teacher comes.
That's my job? Honk?
Double honk if it's the cops.
Come here, give me a boost.
Give me a boost.
No, I can't.
Hello, little ladies.
Just wondering if I could have a
minute alone here with your friend.
It's OK, full-time teacher.
We'll go. For 20 bucks.
Why don't you just go, or else.
OK, 20 bucks, that's fair.
Not a bad deal, actually
for something like this.
Go! Loser!
I'm not a loser.
Show me the ball, Candice.
That's right, I know your name.
How would you like
to learn some of this?
Want to come to Xavier Academy?
Play some ball?
Free ride, coached by moi?
Does he teach at your school?
Does who teach there? Bill,
I told you to stay in the car.
Come on!
You made me lose the ball.
It'll be cool
if he taught at your school.
Hey! Hey, you!
Tell your parents
I'm going to call them.
Bill, let's go, code red!
Let's go.
Your one job was to honk the horn!
Hurry! Nice!
- Don't! Come here.
- I'm going to carry you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- This is embarrassing.
Put me down.
Duncan!
Heard you've been lurking around Anne Murray
Elementary School! Talking to some grade 6 girls?
Yeah, I was actually,
uh, trying to recruit
a Candice Will uh,
Candice Williams, basketball.
Awesome!
St. Pat's has been trying
to get her for two years.
Davis will be furious when
he finds out we've got her.
That guy drives me nuts. I will
personally tell him myself.
- You should tell him. Who?
- Principal Davis, St. Pat's.
- Pay attention.
- Yeah.
Hey! Davis! Guess who's the new
number one ranked private school?
I cannot wait to make that call!
- OK, you seem a little crazy right now.
- Huh?
I don't think I said anything.
- Right, good. Teach hard.
- OK.
Ren-ai, sound out,
ren-ai, sound it out.
OK.
Who can tell me what
caused the Renaissance?
- Yes.
- Um, a war?
- A war, what's your name?
- Jonathan.
Jonathan. How many people
agree with Jonathan?
You can't vote for yourself.
Nobody? Yes?
I don't think anything
caused the Renaissance.
OK, that's a theory as well,
nothing caused the Renaissance.
All right, open your books,
write this down, please, for homework.
You can't come in here every day
question, question, question.
I'm not going to spoon-feed you.
You need to do some of this yourself.
Look this up tonight for homework:
What caused the Renaissance?
Please make sure
you spell it correctly,
as I have done on the board.
And if you find nothing
caused the Renaissance
when you go home tonight, why?
OK, good.
Now you can go. Thank you.
Potatoes, potato, hanging out
with the potato.
Potatoooo
fries, salt and pepper.
That's mine, do not steal that. That is
my little my little shake that I do, OK?
Let me know if you see
anybody do that, please.
Seriously, 'cause
that's my thing. All right?
I don't want anyone doing that.
OK?
Actually, you know what?
I'm checking!
- Are you hungover?
- No, no, I'm not hungover.
Today was way worse
than I thought.
I mean, I thought that the kids
would like the fact that I'm prepared
- and really wanting to help them learn.
- Ow!
I had a seating chart, and a lesson plan.
They hated me.
You're too by the book,
you're too serious.
Relax, have fun.
Loosen up a little bit.
See what I did when
that kid walked by?
That's the kind of
stuff you do, right?
- They love that.
- That's who I am.
I'm "teachery" you know?
I don't know what else to be
other than structured and organized.
Try not to be yourself.
- Being yourself's not working.
- Thanks.
Trust me.
Did I do drugs
in high school? Not sayin'.
Did I cheat on tests? Many times.
Did I steal from other kids'
lockers? Never proven.
But now
Hi, Mrs. Williams, nice to meet you.
Hello, Mr. Williams.
Seat right up front. No,
those seats are taken, sorry.
Yep, here you go.
OK, thank you. Welcome.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
You said something
about a scholarship?
Yes, the wheels are in motion,
so just sit back and relax and listen.
And you will see why Candice
should be at Xaviar Academy, OK?
OK oh, almost forgot. Ta-da!
- Thank you.
- No problem.
OK. I am Mr. Duncan.
That's not what your
kids call me, though.
Mr. D, 'cause it's easier to say.
Mr Duncan doesn't seem hard.
Not for you, but what
about our immigrant students?
Mr. Duncan, very easy.
OK, what about the really,
really immigrant students?
Like people that speak
the click language?
That's Mr. D.
What are our kids going to learn?
Excellent question.
Besides Marcel and Celine,
who can name the other
two Dion quintuplets?
This guy can!
They'll learn about that!
They'll learn about
our above ground railroad,
the Via Rail,
remember when that was put in?
They'll also learn about
the underground railroad.
OK, our subway system.
Pretty amazing, huh? Principal
would now like to meet you.
I'm afraid, Mr. Duncan, we're going
to keep Candice in her current school.
What? We're going
to give her a scholarship.
We want our daughter to learn,
and as far as we can tell,
you seem to place a lot of emphasis
on sports and less on academics.
You don't think I'm smart.
Go ahead, grill me, ask me some questions.
- Excuse me?
- Anything, go ahead, academic, ask me.
Um, who was the
first man on the moon?
Louis Armstrong. Lance Armstrong.
I corrected myself,
that counts. Next!
Who was the first US president?
Pass. Next question.
This is silly, Mr. Duncan.
Good luck with the team.
Yeah, you don't get the basket.
That's right.
Gerry! Where's my little all-star?
I'm gonna call Davis right now!
Sir, no cell phones in school.
We didn't get her, sir,
she's going to St. Pat's.
- What?
- I'm just kidding.
Sorry. Um, she's going
to stay where she's at.
- Why? What happened?
- I don't know, the parents, they came and they listened
and then they quizzed me and I don't know,
it happened so fast.
Disappointing, Duncan,
very disappointing.
Now you've made him angry.
You didn't hit the rim.
Stop spinning, Gabby.
Don't dance. Why would you dance?
Hey, Gerry!
I had the most amazing night
tonight with the parents!
I gave them my yearly plan and they loved
the famous quotations I put up on the wall.
I got famous quotes too.
"Blame yourself."
"We're all really alone."
Wow.
I just lost the best
basketball player in the city
and now I'm left
with a cute little ballerina.
We are not going to win a game.
She is cute.
OK, well, maybe you can try
and have a little bit more fun with it.
Not be so serious and
Hey, hey, maybe you can just try
and not be yourself.
You know, maybe that'll work.
'Cause yourself's not working.
- Trust me.
- Nice play.
Thanks -I'm gonna go help her.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
And never give up ever!
That's your saying.
Use the backboard, Glasses.
OK, forget that.
Let's play a game called Princess.
Your job is to get the
princess to the castle. OK?
And it's a Chinese princess.
How's that? But
there's also
a mean dragon, also Chinese.
- Played by me.
- But you're not Chinese.
Yeah, but that's just the game,
that's the way the game is.
So, here we go, are you ready?
All right, Glasses.
Let's see if you can get by me,
get by me, get by the dragon.
Nope. OK, she's dead,
don't touch her.
CPR. OK, let's try it again.
OK, mean dragon,
but this dragon's not so mean.
This is a nice dragon, that's
going to lift the princess up.
- There you go!
- I did it! Yes, yes, yes!
OK, but I helped you, though.
I can't lift you during the game.
- Come here, Gabby.
- I have to go now, sir.
- I see you got a strap!
- See you at practice tomorrow, sir.
See you, Strap.
That's your new nickname, Strap.
I got something for you, OK?
Sing-dan-fai-lo
to my song-li-fai-lo
I don't know, I don't speak Chinese.
What does that mean?
Merry Christmas
and happy New Year.
But it's not either of them.
Yeah, but it's coming, so
Potato?
I really have to go now. Bye, sir!
You could potato,
it takes two seconds
for fries and, uh
I could still cut you!