My Three Sons (1960) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(door buzzer sounding)
(door buzzer sounding)
MAN: Somebody answer the door!
Hey, Chip, Dad wants you to answer the door.
Oh, yeah. Where are the Azores?
YOUNG MAN: Hey, get the door!
If it's Jean, tell her I'll be right down.
(buzzer sounds)
Come on in, Tramp.
Hi. Hi.
Is, uh Is this the Douglas residence?
Yes, sir.
Well, is the lady of the house in?
Bub, somebody wants to see you!
Cook the dinner, clean the house,
wash the dishes, answer the door.
I don't know what they'd do around here
Madam, I know you're simply going to
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Oh, that's all right.
Happens all the time.
What you peddling?
Well, uh, cosmetics.
(laughs): Oh, boy!
Have you got the wrong house!
Oh?
I'm the nearest thing to a lady around here.
Come back when somebody's married.
Yes, I'll-I'll do that, sir.
That'll be that.
Bub, I can only find one black sock.
I just wash 'em, I don't pair 'em up.
Hey, Robbie, you have any
of my black socks in your room?
I don't know. I just wear 'em.
I don't check the colors.
Thanks a lot.
Dad, where are the Azores?
They're probably right where you threw 'em.
Is "in the ocean some place" a good enough answer?
Well, that's a good start, but, uh
Here, why don't you take a look and see
if they aren't still around Portugal somewhere.
(phone ringing)
Hey, that's mine. I got it.
I got it. That's mine.
I've got it, Robbie.
Give me the phone
I've got it now. I've got it.
That was for me.
Hey, does it have to be two falls out of three
every time the phone rings around here?
Your grandfather's right. I'll take it.
I'm expecting a call, Dad.
Well, so am I.
Hello.
Who?
Yes, he's here.
I told you it was for me.
No, it's for me. It's for Chip.
Chip? Chip?
Me?
It's a girl.
Jeepers, does everybody have to look?
Hello.
Where'd you get my phone number?
And what do you want?
Chip!
We're supposed to study from page 11 to page 13.
Good-bye.
Hey, Chip, who's your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend!
Are you engaged yet?
You know what you are, Robbie Douglas?
You're a great big dumb.
You don't have to get sore.
We're only kidding.
Sure we are, Chip.
When are you getting engaged?
(shouting) Hey!
MIKE: Really wants to fight.
Chip, come on. Look out, you're gonna tear his shirt.
Now, stop it. Jeepers, maybe he is engaged.
I said knock it off, Robbie. Yeah
My shirt. Now, stop it. That's enough.
Well, jeepers, tell him to quit it.
(sighs)
That dumb girl.
Chip, why don't we go out
and give Bub a hand with the dishes, huh?
You great big dumb.
What surprises me, Robbie, is how a guy
with feet as big as yours keeps putting them in his mouth.
Well, let's see.
You dry.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Chip, uh, who was the girl on the phone just now?
Nobody. What do you mean nobody?
She must have a name.
That dumb Dorine Peters.
Dorine Peters, huh?
You were sort of rude to her on the phone.
What's the matter? Don't you like her?
If she were a bug,
it sure would be fun to step on her.
What did she do, beat you out of something,
or throw you out at first base, or what?
Worse than that.
She-She hangs around all the time.
Makes goof eyes at me.
Goof eyes?
Yeah, every time I turn around,
she's looking straight at me
with her clunky old eyes.
How do you mean?
Like this.
Goof eyes.
Well, Chip, I think you ought to feel flattered.
Sounds like this girl has a crush on you.
No, she hasn't.
She's in love with me.
She say that?
Sure, she tells everybody.
Last Valentines Day,
everybody gave each other a nickel valentine,
and she gave me a 50 cent one.
Hmm. Greater love hath no woman.
Huh?
Oh, nothing.
I can see you have a problem, Chip.
You probably get embarrassed when she does these things
in front of your friends, hmm?
The guys call me Hot Lips Douglas.
Hot Lips Douglas?
Well, I don't think this is any reason
to be unkind to Dorine.
Yeah, but who wants to get married
in the second grade?
Oh, she wants to get married, huh?
Sure. If I hadn't kicked her in the knee a couple times,
we would have been married in the first grade.
Oh.
Mr. and Mrs. Peters announce the marriage
of their daughter Goof Eyes to Hot Lips Douglas.
Well, I can understand you not wanting to get married,
uh, Chip, at least for a year or two.
So, if you want to avoid her, and I gather you do,
why, do it in a way that
well, so you don't hurt her feelings, you know?
I mean, I wouldn't do any more of this,
uh, kicking her in the knee.
But jeepers, I wouldn't care
Chip, what is a gentleman?
A kind man, Dad.
That's right, and do you think
you're being kind to Dorine Peters?
I get sick to my stomach just when you say her name.
Now, look, Chip, why don't
you try being patient with Dorine?
At least for a little while.
She'll get over this. When?
Well, I couldn't tell you exactly, but she will.
How about giving it a try?
Well okay.
Good.
You'll just have to remember, Chip, that, uh,
"we handsome Dougla" are always going
to have this little problem.
Yeah.
It's a real drag, isn't it?
(birds singing)
(humming) Hey, Bub, don't go out there.
Well, how am I gonna get the paper, with a sky hook?
If you go out there, she'll ask you if I'm home,
and you'll have to say yes,
and I'll have to go out there and talk to her.
Who? That dumb Dorine Peters.
Well, now, what's wrong with her?
She-She looks pretty cute to me.
Boy, have you got busted eyes.
Yeah? Well, when it comes to looking at women,
my eyes are as good as
Uh-oh. The cat's out the bag now.
Your father's home.
Is he talking to her?
Okay, Hal. See you tonight.
Thanks for the ride.
Hello there.
Hello. Are you Chip's father?
Yes, I am.
How do you do?
I'm Dorine Peters.
Oh, yes, I've heard about you.
How are you, Dorine?
I've been to the store.
Yes, I see you have.
Will you tell Chip to come out here for a minute?
I'd holler, only it isn't ladylike.
Well, Dorine, I'm, uh
I'm not sure whether Chip is home or not.
Yes, he is.
He keeps peeking out the window.
Oh, he does.
Well, in that case, I'll, uh, get him right away.
Thank you.
Come back here, you coward.
Jeepers, Bub, Dad'll make me go out there.
Chip, you better go out there and talk to Dorine.
See? Do I have to, Dad? Yes, you have to.
She seems like a very nice little girl.
And she saw you peeking out the window,
so you go out there and see what she wants.
She never wants anything.
All she ever does is make
Chip. I'm going.
And don't forget your promise.
You be sure and say something nice to her.
That's using the old child psychology.
Oh, sure. You tell them what to do, and they do it.
That didn't take long.
You're sure you said something nice to her?
Sure.
Like what, for instance?
I told her she had
a swell-looking bag of groceries.
At least he didn't kick her in the knee.
Chip, this is the last thing
I'm going to say to you
on the subject of Dorine.
If she comes up to you at school,
or if she calls you on the phone, you be nice to her.
And if she comes over here, you go out and talk to her,
and none of this "swell-looking bag of groceries" stuff.
But jeepers.
Okay, Dad.
Have I the Douglas word on it?
Okay.
(Tramp panting)
Come and get it!
Let me see.
Those aren't hands.
That's a bacteria farm.
How come Dad isn't here?
Well, he's having dinner with Hal and Nancy Mosby.
Are they still trying to find him a wife?
Yeah, and he's the kind of a guy that hates to be trapped.
He'll be a bachelor for quite a while yet.
What's a bachelor?
That's a man who thinks before he acts.
And then doesn't act.
Hello, Steve. Good evening, Hal.
Hi. Take your hat.
Hi.
Hi, Nancy.
Steve? Mm.
This is Pamela MacLish.
Hi.
Pam, this is Steve Douglas.
Hello, Steve.
Hello, Pam.
I've heard many nice things about you.
Well, thank you.
Well, shall we go in?
Uh-huh.
Douglas that's, uh, Scottish, isn't it?
Well, about as Scottish as they come.
(both laugh) MacLish certainly is.
Certainly is.
Well, what do you know.
That gives us something in common.
Yeah, what do you know.
(both laugh)
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Chip. Hello, Dorine.
Hello, Mr. Douglas.
Your son and I are having a little talk.
Yeah, well, so long, Dorine.
Oh, that's all right, Chip.
You can stay out for a while.
Gee your father sure is handsome.
Yeah, that's a problem us Douglas' have got.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Well, just a minute.
It's that dame you met last night.
Want me to unload her?
Oh.
I'll talk to her.
Hello, Pam.
Hello, Steve.
Look, I, uh
Well-Well, I don't usually call men up, but, uh
well, sometimes a girl just
gets in the mood to cook a meal.
Well, the refrigerator's just bulging
with all the essentials, so,
why don't we include you?
Well Dad?
Oh, pardon me, Pam. Yes, Chip?
I've been polite to her for a long time now,
and I'm getting a headache from it.
All right, you've done fine.
Go on home, Dorine!
Chip.
I-I'm sorry. We're having a little trouble
with our diplomacy around here.
Yes, it is kind of short notice,
but that's all right, except,
uh, well, I'm not sure what Bub
has planned for dinner tonight.
Well, it-it was just a thought.
I'm not having anything fancy.
Well Are you going out?
I don't know.
Why don't you find out, then call me back?
Well, no, no, I didn't mean I don't know. I
What about my dinner? It'll be all right.
Good.
Shall we say about 7:30 then?
Well, when I said it'd be all right, I
I-I meant it'll be fine.
7:30.
Fine. Good-bye, Pam.
But I made goulash and noodles.
Well, it won't go to waste, you know that.
The kids'll eat it.
Mm. That's like pouring it down three manholes.
Well, I couldn't very well get out of it.
You heard how it happened. I got trapped.
Yeah, by a real expert. Oh, come on, now.
I'm sure the only thing she has on her mind
is cooking dinner for a few friends.
That's what they said about Lucrezia Borgia.
The next time I plan a meal around here,
I'm gonna throw it out in the first place.
Boy, he's really sore.
No, he's not really sore, Chip.
Your granddad's quite a guy.
If you're not poisoned by the time you get home,
you might find a hunk of my pecan layer cake in the icebox.
(doorbell ringing)
Hi.
Hello, Pam. Come on in.
Thank you.
Well, it's nice to see you.
Nice to see you. Can I take your hat?
Oh, uh, I hope you brought your appetite.
Oh, I brought it. Good.
Uh-oh.
Goof eyes.
("Here Comes The Bride" playing)
Am I early?
No, no, you're right on time.
Well, then the others are late, huh?
Others?
Well, I somehow had the impression
there were gonna be other people.
Oh, well, I, I guess I ought to be
more careful how I phrase things.
(chuckles)
(soft music playing)
Was that your father-in-law
who answered the phone when I called you?
Yes. Yes, it was.
Did I hear you call him Bub?
Oh, Mike started that when he was little.
Every time he'd try to say grandpa,
it came out Bub, and
well, we've called him Bub ever since.
How long has it been,
how long have you been a widower?
Six years.
That's a long time.
Yes, I guess it is.
That's a nice view you have.
Yes, that's why I took this apartment,
the view.
Isn't that the gas company on the left?
To me, they're just lovely lights.
I hope you like candlelight.
Oh, sure.
Comes in handy in case of a power failure.
(both laugh)
Sit down, Steve.
Well, to us.
Now, what shall we talk about?
Well, uh
how about, uh, baseball for starters.
(whistling)
Hi there, Bub.
Oh, boy, you sure slept late today, huh?
Well, that's what Saturday's for.
Big party last night?
No, I misunderstood some way
and it ended up just the two of us.
Dinner at her apartment
and then we went to a movie and then I came home.
Just the two of you, huh?
Suppose you ate by candlelight?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, we did.
Soft music?
Well, it wasn't too loud.
I noticed you didn't eat any
of my pecan layer cake when you came home last night.
Lucrezia must be a pretty good cook.
Yeah, she's a pretty good, in fact.
Oh, of course not half as good as you, Bub.
And her name's not Lacertian, it's Dorine.
I, I mean Pamela.
What'd you have?
You know it was so dark, I don't remember.
How about dessert?
Uh, no thanks, Bub, not for breakfast.
I mean last night.
Oh.
Gee, you know, I've-I've forgotten.
I barely tasted it.
Well, candlelight, soft music,
that sounds kind of romantic.
What album did she play?
Something to trap a husband by?
Look, Bub,
I think I'm old enough to know
when a woman is trying to, uh,
as you say, trap me into marriage,
and you know something, you're right.
I think maybe she was.
So there won't be anymore candlelight dinners
with Pamela MacLish.
Dad? Hmm?
When the letter says "Master Chip Douglas",
does that mean it's for me?
Sure, it's for you.
Here, I'll open it for you.
If it's from school,
I knocked Charles Terry into
the drinking fountain by accident.
You did.
Oh, no, it's a, it's an invitation.
It says your presence is desired
as partner to Miss Dorine Peters
at the Pre Junior Teen Dance and so forth,
uh, signed by Dorine's mother.
I don't want to go.
Of course you want to go.
Here look, it says they're gonna have refreshments
and an orchestra and everything.
Can't I go alone?
Well, almost.
You might have to dance a couple of dances with Dorine.
I won't dance with that clunky girl!
I don't know how to dance.
And I'm not gonna learn, neither.
You can hit me and throw rocks at me
and cut my ears off
and throw me down a well and I still won't learn.
(humming)
One two three, one two three, that's pretty good.
Come on, Chip. Relax.
One two three, one two three.
Which one is Katherine Murray?
You be quiet!
Don't bother us now, Robbie,
he's still got the bunny hop to learn.
Hey, fellas, would you mind holding it down a little.
And, Mike, I told you to get off that phone.
Somebody just might want to call us, you know.
Oh, Rosanna.
Boy, you sure have been a sorehead lately, Chip.
Lay off, will ya, this guy's got a lot on his mind.
(buzzer) And answer the door.
Come in!
I could have done that.
Dad's trying to rest, dummy.
Yeah, yeah, Dad was pretty mad.
Hi!
Oh.
How do?
I'm Pamela MacLish.
I, uh,
I just brought something for Mr. Douglas.
Oh, thank you. No, no, for goodness sakes,
a fella tries to take a Oh, Pamela.
Hi, Steve.
I, uh, I was just taking a, uh
Have you met the family?
Well, no. I
That's, uh, the boys' grandfather, Bub,
this is Pamela MacLish and
How do you do?
Hello, Bub.
And that, Robbie, I mean, uh, Chip, the little one there.
Hi. You need a haircut.
Oh, come on, you're putting me on.
And there's Mike.
Uh, Mike.
What?
Oh.
Get up. We have company.
STEVE: And then Robbie.
How do you do?
Stuff your shirt in.
Won't you sit down?
Get off there, Tramp!
I can only stay a minute.
I'm sorry about the way the house looks.
It doesn't always look like this.
Oh, it has a nice lived-in look.
That's the way it should be.
Steve? Hmm?
You remember how much you said
you liked my cake last night? Oh, yes.
Did I?
You not only said it, you ate three big pieces.
Three.
So, I thought maybe the boys
might like to share it with you.
MIKE: That sounds good.
What kind is it?
PAM: Pecan layer.
Here, Bub, you take it.
I'm sure you'll know what to do with it.
Uh, Mike,
take this out to the kitchen, will you?
It was very nice of you, Pamela, thank you.
Well, that's, that's all I came for.
Oh, Chip, didn't I see you dancing
when I came in just a few minutes ago?
Yeah, I gotta go to a stupid dance
with a clunky girl. Yeah, a week from tonight,
Chip is going to his first dance
with a charming young girl.
And I'd sure rather go alone.
Well, you've got to have a partner,
doesn't he, Pamela? Of course he does.
Hey, why don't you come along,
so Dad will have a partner, too?
Is that an invitation?
CHIP: Sure, huh, Dad? Well, sure.
But, uh, well, maybe she has something else
planned for that night? No,
no, as a matter of fact, I don't have a thing planned.
I'd love to.
CHIP: Hey, it worked out pretty good.
If you weren't coming along,
Dad would have to stay in the
car and listen to the ballgame.
Yeah!
♪♪
One two, one two, one two, one two,
left foot, right foot, turn around.
Aren't they adorable?
Yes.
(song ends, applause)
How did the first dance go?
Wonderful.
Is it time to go home yet, Dad?
Well, not quite yet, Chip.
Dorine, would you like to go with me and comb our hair?
All right.
Don't you go away, Chip.
I don't want to miss a single dance.
We'll be right back.
Come on.
That lady makes goof eyes at you, too, huh, Dad?
Yes, she does sort of.
If she was a bug, would you step on her?
Well, let's put it this way, Chip, uh,
if anybody's going to be making goof eyes,
I, I want to be the one to do it.
But you have to be kind to her, don't you?
Well, yes.
Because you're a gentleman?
That's right, Chip.
Dad, is it being kind to someone
to pretend you like them when you don't?
No, I don't suppose it is, Chip.
Don't you think we ought to do something about it?
Yes, I guess maybe we ought to,
but, uh, we'll have to do it diplomatically.
Swell, when they get back, let's kick them both in the knee
and go to a baseball game.
That isn't exactly what I meant, uh,
well, as you said, we have to do it like gentleman.
I mean, uh, well, so we don't hurt their feelings,
okay? Okay.
Okay.
It's sort of fun being in the
same kind of trouble together,
ain't it?
Uh, isn't it.
Forgot my key.
This nightlife's a little too much for him.
How'd it go tonight? Oh, fine.
You two gonna double date again?
Uh-uh. Oh, you're awake.
Hey, I'm gonna put you down. You're getting heavy, man.
Dad and me got rid of Dorine and that lady for good.
Shootin' or drownin'?
No, just talkin'
and decided we ought to do something about the situation.
How do you go about unloading women?
In case I should ever have the problem.
CHIP: It's real easy.
All you have to say is, "Thanks for the dance."
"I'm sorry I can't see you anymore,
'cause I think you gave me a rash."
Is that what you said to Dorine?
Sure, you said to be polite.
You did great right up to the word "rash."
How'd you get rid of that Pamela?
Would you believe it, uh, Bub,
they had a seven piece orchestra
for just the little kids.
Well, what'd you say to her?
As a matter of fact, it was eight, uh,
counting the leader. Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Chip, looks like you're the only
one that got rid of any women.
Uh-uh, Dad told her, didn't you, Dad?
Well
well, the opportunity just didn't come up.
Jeepers, you mean you didn't tell her?
No, but I will, Chip.
Sure, he will, Chip.
Well, I said I would, didn't I?
As a matter of fact, I've already made an appointment
with her for that express purpose.
BUB: When?
Come on, Chip.
When?
7:30 Friday night.
Is she gonna cook for you?
Good night, Chip.
Soft music?
Good night and don't wake Robbie.
Candlelight?
Candlelight?
Candlelight?
Do you know what you are, Michael Francis O'Casey?
You're a you're a great big dumb!