Newlyweds (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- May I take your keys, ma’am?
- Yes, please.
Actually, no.
- Sir, would you like to order
a cocktail while you wait?
- Yes, please.
Oh, actually, no.
I think my blind date
is standing me up.
- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Jeanie.
How’s your date?
- Yeah, it’s not happening.
Can you tell your
friend that I’m bailing?
Blind dates are the worst.
- Why do I have to tell him?
- Because you love
giving bad news.
- I do.
[chuckles]
I really do.
Oh, hey, you know who died?
- Bye, Dan.
- It was my neighbor
with the cats.
[phone beeps]
- I think Jeanie’s
standing me up.
- Damn, I wanted to tell you.
Still feels good, though.
- I knew it.
Blind dates are the worst.
- Blind dates are a nightmare,
especially at my age.
- I couldn’t agree more.
Wait.
Jeanie?
- James?
- Dan didn’t tell me
you were stunning.
- Well, he--
he didn’t tell me
you had such great taste
in women.
- Would you like
to have dinner?
- Only because
blind dates are so fun.
[upbeat music]
♪
- So you’re
a middle school teacher.
- Yeah, and I love it.
It’s wonderful
to be in a workplace
where I have the best skin.
- [chuckles]
- Eighth graders get a
bad rap, but I love them.
Helping them with
all the firsts.
There is no breakup more brutal
than an eighth-grade breakup.
- Wait till you hear
about my divorce.
- That bad?
- Well,
not bad so much as scary.
Claudia’s terrifying.
I don’t talk about her very
much, because if I say her name
three times she appears.
Let me guess, you had one
of those amicable divorces.
- Unfortunately, no.
- Oh, it ended badly?
- Especially for him.
He died.
- Oh, I--I had no idea.
- No, no, no,
it was three years ago.
He was devoured by lions.
- Good God.
- Actually,
it was brain cancer,
but that’s such a bummer.
So a professor of what?
- Philosophy.
I’ve been working
on a book for five years.
It’s driving me insane,
but I couldn’t be happier.
- I have a philosophy
about that.
- Which is?
- People are either
butterflies or gophers.
You know,
gophers dig down deep,
and they focus on one thing.
Butterflies, they just flit
around exploring everything.
- I’m guessing
you’re a butterfly.
- Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]
- I am a total gopher.
- Noted.
[chuckles]
This may be the best roast
chicken I have ever had.
- It’s not bad, but if
you think that’s the best,
you haven’t tasted mine.
- A man who roasts chicken?
Be still, my heart.
- I roast carrots too.
Beets.
Root vegetables.
- Turnips?
- I roast the hell
out of a turnip.
[laughter]
Can I try something?
- Oh, my steak?
Yeah, I’m gonna go.
- Wait, what?
- Aren’t you coming?
♪
That was fun.
- Very fun.
I never had to pause
for Gatorade before.
- I’m gonna make us
some breakfast.
And then you can do
that thing again,
only this time on the bed.
My yoni says yes,
but my knee said no.
- That sounds better than
any day I’ve ever had.
But I have to go.
- Where?
- Norway.
I have a month-long fellowship
at the University of Oslo.
- Wait, you planned
a date for the night
before you were
leaving for a month?
I didn’t think
it would go well.
- Me neither.
I thought I’d be shimmying
out a window, not my panties.
- [screams]
- [yelps]
- Where’s our mother?
- What did you do to her?
- Something very nice.
James, this is my daughter,
Poppy, and my son, Lolo.
Gen Z.
Pandemic messed them up.
Guys, this is James,
my blind date from last night.
both: Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- What’s up?
- I didn’t know you had kids.
- You don’t talk about us?
- Oh, not you.
Your backstory is boring.
But mine?
Dude, it’s what
’90s movies were made of.
She was the
compassionate teacher.
I was the foster kid who
was her star student.
- You vaped in class.
- You napped during tests.
She adopted me when I aged out
so I could get on her
insurance.
- But the joke’s on him,
because it was
teacher’s insurance.
James is moving to Norway.
- Oh, so it’s just
a one-and-done?
- More like a two--
- And a half.
- Two and a half.
Come on.
I’ll walk you out.
- I really don’t want to leave.
Is there a chance we
could pick up where
we left off when I get home?
- I’ll think about it.
- Did anyone ever tell you you
give very misleading kisses?
♪
[upbeat music]
♪
- This is one of the original
offices from 18 and 11.
I hope it’s to your liking.
- It’s magnificent.
- Yeah.
That chair is made
of leather from whale penis.
Don’t worry.
The whale wasn’t killed.
Someone just found the penis
washed up on the beach.
- Poor whale.
- Professor Brennan,
when I was assigned
to be your teaching assistant,
I became very pleased.
I’ve always been curious
about Los Angeles.
I hear you have sunshine.
What’s it like?
- It’s very nice.
- Wow. It’s like I’m there.
It’s always been
my dream to be tan.
As a child, I was so white and
smooth, my nickname was Milky.
Well, I’ll leave you to it.
- Arvid, um, one--
one last thing.
When I work, I need
absolute, complete silence.
Otherwise, I simply
can’t concentrate.
- Ah.
[whispers]
Understood.
[loud thud]
[loud clattering]
- His stories are insane.
I mean, how many times can
one person fall into a fjord?
- [laughs]
It sounds like
you’re enjoying yourself.
- I am.
It’s beautiful and quiet, and
this month away from my book
is just what I need to come
home and finally finish it.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Yes! Yes!
- Wow, you’re really
excited about my book.
- Sorry.
It’s just--
it’s a big Clippers game.
Are you a sports fan?
- Oh, yeah.
I love the sports.
- If you like sports,
the Holmenkollen Ski Festival
is a must.
- You must be Arvid.
- I am Arvid.
- I’m Jeanie,
James’s girlfriend.
- You’re my girlfriend?
- I’d love to be.
But don’t make it weird.
- Weird?
I won’t make it weird.
The idea that I’d make
it weird is what’s weird.
- To be honest,
he’s been weird all day.
- Arvid, please hang up.
- Very well.
Goodbye, Jeanie.
- Bye, Arvid.
Wow, what a voice.
I bet he sings.
- I do.
Mostly power ballads.
- Arvid, hang up.
- Not exactly a people person.
- We’ll work on him.
♪
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, hey, Pops.
- Since when do
you wear lipstick?
- Since she’s been FaceTiming
Norway dude ten times a day.
- Is it too much?
It is, right?
It’s just too much.
I’m gonna lose it.
I’m gonna blot.
- Oh, my God.
Mom, you’re nervous.
- I am. I am. I am.
I don’t know, everything just
feels so new and exciting.
Kind of--
I think I’m gonna send a--
what do you call a sexy pic?
- A mistake.
Remember the talk we had?
If you put it on the internet,
it’s on there forever.
♪
[phone rings]
- Hi, I was just
gonna call you.
- Did you get my pic?
- What pic?
Just check your texts.
- Wow.
Nietzsche was wrong.
There is a God.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
I love Norway,
but the nights and nights are
all starting to run together.
- Well, the good news is,
I cheered myself up
today by breaking into my car.
- Classic way to put
a smile on your face.
- Poppy, Lolo, and I
have these lists called
"things that would be awesome
to know."
Just reminds us that the world
is full of awesome things.
Wait, I’m gonna--
I’m gonna send you my list.
[phone chimes]
- "Lock picking, ballroom
dancing, climbing the Alps."
- What would be on your list?
- [chuckles] When I
turned 60, I made a list
of things I don’t wanna do.
- That is so gopher of you.
- Well, definitely no Alps.
I’m terrified of heights.
I don’t even like
the Ricola commercial.
Jeanie, I think it’s you.
You’re my entire list.
- Come home now.
- I’ve been waiting ♪
For a girl like you ♪
To come into my life ♪
- Arvid, hang up.
- I’ve be waiting ♪
- So much easier than
breaking into a Subaru.
Wow, James.
Fancy.
Claudia?
- Yes?
- Oh, God!
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Um, I--I’m--
- I know who you are.
- Oh.
- And good for him.
Man-baby figured out
how to hire a maid.
- Yeah.
I’m sorry for--
for letting myself in.
I didn’t know that
you still lived here.
- I used to.
But no.
I got the beach house.
He got this.
But I’m here all the time.
And don’t mind me.
I am merely marking
my territory
so that James’s new,
very young plaything
knows that a real woman
with a real body lived here.
I heard she’s a
real hotsy-totsy.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- They say she’s
hotsy and totsy?
- Yeah,
and probably half his age.
Next he’s going to go keto
and start a podcast.
You’ve met her.
What’s she like?
- She’s cool.
- Ah.
- And fascinating.
- Ah.
- Seems really happy.
- So was I at first.
I mean, the sex was great.
- Oh, gosh.
- And good banter.
But then it started,
the tippity-tap,
tippity-tap, tippity-tap.
- Oh, God, is this a musical?
I’m so sorry.
I just--I hate musicals.
- No.
He started writing his book,
and he needed it quiet.
So for two years I crept
around my own home silent.
Me!
Silent!
So he could focus on his
philosophical masterpiece,
which he’s never gonna finish.
Do you know that he doesn’t
even number the pages so he can
keep reordering the chapters?
Like an obsessive
little hermit.
- Well, he can’t be
that much of a hermit.
He went to Norway.
- Typical man.
Went to Norway,
wouldn’t go to therapy.
You know, I think it was harder
for him to leave his book
than it was our marriage.
And look what I found
after he left--
instructions.
"Do not read."
As if anybody would want to.
Oh, "Do not touch."
Oopsie!
Oh, it’s--ooh, hefty.
Whoa!
- Oh!
All those pages
- Yeah.
- That I care about
because I’m the cleaning lady.
- I gotta go.
Four clients, four time zones.
- No rest for the wicked.
- That’s what they say,
but I sleep fine.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Wha--"A little surprise
to welcome you home.
Love, Jeanie."
Aw.
How did she--
hey, baby.
You wanna go for 3 1/2?
- [yelps]
- Ow!
Poppy?
- James?
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
What are you doing here?
- What is happening?
James.
James, you’re--
oh, you’re home early.
What happened to your nose?
- Poppy broke it.
- Sorry.
I thought he was
a home invader.
- Why would he
invade his own home?
- I don’t know.
Why do men do anything?
- Go get some ice.
- Hey!
Norway!
Bro, what happened
to your face?
That’s your money maker.
- Poppy punched me.
- [scoffs]
Been there.
- Is that my robe?
- No.
- Good call, Mom.
The ice really helps.
James, you should get some.
- It’s for James.
There you go.
Oh, God, this is all my fault.
I just broke in
to leave some flowers,
and then Claudia showed up.
- Claudia was here?
- Oh, yeah.
She was just spraying
and tippity-tapping.
Then she tossed your book.
- She tossed my book?
- Yes. Za!
And there were
no page numbers,
so I had to call the kids
to help.
- Wha--you read my book?
- No.
It said not to.
I just looked at
the top of the pages
and the bottom of the pages.
It was like being in
"The Da Vinci Code."
- It’s on your desk.
- Well, thank you.
- It’s our pleasure.
Would, uh, now be a
good time to tell you
I broke your hot tub?
- No.
- I’ll fix it.
Come on.
- I am so sorry.
I just wanted everything to
be perfect when you got home.
- Well, that is a lovely,
thoughtful, nightmarishly
executed gesture.
But all I need
for things to be perfect
is to be alone with you.
- Oh, that is so beautiful.
But I don’t really do alone.
I come with a very big,
wild, wonderful family.
We--we do things differently.
- Yeah, I can tell.
This is my first floral
breaking and entering-slash-
late night broken-hot-tub
party.
I guess I’m just used
to doing my own thing.
- I know.
Milky said you left
without saying goodbye.
- You’re in touch with Arvid?
- He’s really lost.
- You just can’t stop
accumulating people.
- I’m a science teacher.
I love adding variables,
mixing them all up,
see what happens.
I explode things on purpose.
The louder the better.
- And I like spending a quiet
month alone with my nose
buried in Nietzsche.
- Oh, God,
I hope you mean a book.
- [chuckles]
I’m a gopher.
- And I’m a butterfly.
both: This isn’t gonna work.
- Not sorry to barge in.
I left my coat and the last
15 years of my life.
Oh, what’s wrong, James?
Chased the hotsy-totsy
off already?
- Claudia, please.
- I am not buying
the mopey act.
The truth is,
you like being alone,
and you’re incapable of change.
And that’s sad.
Ohh, but you are still cute.
So remind me
why we broke up again?
- You cheated on me.
- Oh, right, right.
[upbeat music]
- Hey.
We made you your favorite
fruit and cheese plate.
All cheese, no fruit.
- Thank you.
- If you miss James
so bad, just call him.
- No.
If I do,
I’ll try to change him.
I’m too old for that.
- You’re too old for anklets,
but that’s never stopped you.
- I think I just got spoiled
by my eighth graders, you know?
They’re not set in their ways.
Because they don’t
have any ways.
But gophers don’t change.
[doorbell rings]
Yeah, I’ll get it.
- Ricola ♪
- James, why are you
wearing lederhosen?
- The real question is,
why aren’t you?
Climb the Alps with me.
- I thought you were
afraid of heights.
- Not nearly as afraid
as I am of losing you.
We’ll all go. Come on, kids.
- Why?
- Forget them.
- Full disclosure, it’s
just a rock climbing class.
I have to start slow.
- I can do slow.
- I remember.
♪
- Well, I think you look great.
- You’re lying.
- I am.
- All right, maggots.
For the next hour,
I’m your worst nightmare.
[laughs]
I’m just kidding.
We’re here to have fun.
Now,
everybody face your partner.
When you’re climbing,
your partner
is the only other person
in the world that matters.
Got it?
- Got it.
- Got it.
- Now, climbing has
a very specific language
designed to keep you safe.
You’re gonna be great.
- Anyone tell me the two
phrases we use when we climb?
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- That’s incorrect.
The person climbing
says "on belay,"
and the response is "belay on,"
which means "have you got me?"
I’ve got you.
Try it out.
- On belay.
- Belay on.
- Okay.
Next we’re gonna learn
to tie a simple knot.
Who wants to go first?
- What do you say?
You wanna tie the knot?
- Sure.
- Not just that knot.
- That’s correct.
Everybody hear
Captain von Trapp?
We’re gonna be tying
several knots today, people.
- Are you saying what
I think you’re saying?
- I am.
Dating is a young
person’s game.
We love each other.
We have hot sex.
We can figure out
the rest in real time.
- Let’s do it. Let’s do it.
- You two,
you want to get hitched?
- I do.
- I do.
- I feel like
I’m missing something.
both: We’re getting married.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Elvis Chapel booked.
Vegas, here we come.
- I can’t believe
we’re doing this.
- I can’t believe
it took us so long.
- James?
[laughs]
You’re a pig.
I mean, seriously?
Humping the maid?
- What?
- [whispers]
Just go with it.
[upbeat music]
♪