Not Suitable for Work (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[voice on computer]
Which of the following statements is true?
Relationships with coworkers are:
"A," forbidden;
"B," okay with clearance;
"C," fine if no one gets hurt.
- [scoffs] "C" all day.
- Incorrect.
- The answer is "A."
- [chuckles] What?
Suzanne, that's insane.
Are you telling me that if there's
a conflict between work and love,
you expect me to pledge my loyalty
to work?
Uh, I am Team Love.
Davis, out of a possible score of 50,
you have scored two.
Please see your manager
for further training.
Not again.
Do not fuck the people you work with.
I'm sorry, what?
I know it's New York, and being slutty
is now empowering, but it's the law.
This is our sexual harassment training.
Hands off your coworkers.
[softly] Do you mean Nadia?
Of course, not Nadia.
You are the assistant
to a celebrity stylist.
I mean, do not fuck our clients.
They're hot, they're famous,
and they will literally jump on anything.
Okay, now sign this saying I trained you,
or you're fired.
- Nadia Podepiš to!
- Yes, ma'am.
Today we will uncover the cadavers,
including the genitalia.
- They may be swollen.
- [students chuckling]
May I remind you,
you are all future doctors,
so I don't want to hear any giggling.
And I certainly don't want to see
our heroic donors
in sunglasses on TikTok.
- Yes, Kel?
- Do we have to?
- Do we have to what?
- Uncover the body.
Yes, that's literally the point.
Okay. Is is there, like, a a vegan
or a rubber, I don't know,
less corpse-y option lying around?
You can't be a doctor
without touching a cadaver.
What do you want, a mannequin?
You wanna cut it
- and see if it's cake or not?
- [students laughing]
- No, that would be great, though.
- Kel.
- Hm?
- Remove the sheet.
Damn, that dude's real dead.
[Kel thuds]
- [metallic clattering]
- [sighs] Someone bring a gurney.
[Upbeat, electronic music playing]
Do what you feel
'cause everything's real ♪
'Cause everything's real ♪
[couple moaning]
Oh yeah. Yes. Oh yeah.
- Yeah, I'm so close.
- Same.
Yes! Yes, right there, just like that.
[moaning intensifies] Oh, my God! Oh!
Are are you on your phone?
I'm I'm just double checking
the time for the interview.
Oh, my God, you've got to be kidding me.
- [groaning]
- Viv, I'm sorry.
Josh, you've checked it, like,
a hundred times already,
Babe, it's The Wes Dryden Show.
I can't screw this up.
It's a TV show.
I am your literal girlfriend
who was just fucking your brains out.
Which I loved and want to circle back to.
But The Wes Dryden Show
is not just a TV show to me.
The Wes Dryden Show
is investigative journalism at its best.
Wes Dryden is an American hero.
- [sighs]
- And I realize I'm I'm saying that
to a social worker.
I'm such an asshole.
I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous.
You're not an asshole.
You're just a huge nerd
who is inexplicably passionate
about TV journalism.
Who's freakishly strong
- and good at sex.
- [chuckles]
[upbeat music playing]
- [knocking]
- [Davis] Ava!
Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
I made you an oat milk latte.
Ava?
What the hell?
"Davis, you're such a great guy,
but I don't think it's going to work out.
"Can you text me what brand
of humidifier you have?
XO. Ava."
Clap-Pat, clap your hand,
cross it with your left arm ♪
Pat your partner's left palm ♪
Hey, is this cardigan pretentious?
- Uh, it's so you.
- Thanks.
Wait, am I pretentious?
I'd love to talk about this later.
I'm working on my lines for my callback.
You got a callback for that play?
That's huge!
Yeah, dude, I know. I I sent in a tape,
like, two weeks ago and heard nothing,
which is basically what always happens
with these open casting calls.
But I just got an email,
and they want to see me in person.
- Dude! You're great in person.
- I know!
Wait, but how are you able
to do this and med school?
Okay, so I have this new system
where basically, I don't sleep at night,
but when I shower,
I allow myself to drift off.
And then, when the water gets cold,
I get out.
That's not a system,
that's a cry for help.
No, no, it's working great.
I I just I haven't figured out
how to stop fainting
or or nodding off in conversation.
Did a beautiful woman
leave here this morning?
Yeah. Yeah, she was definitely in a hurry.
Well, that's it.
I will be alone the rest of my life.
- Davis, it's just one girl.
- Oh, hey, it's it's okay, man.
- You'll be fine.
- No. No, I won't be fine.
You guys don't get it.
I am the complete package.
I am a straight man in New York City
with a high-paying job
and a great body
Calves could use some work
Who wants to wife up a woman
and have four beautiful kids
who go to private school.
Do you know how rare that is?
And yet, I am single.
I am a loser.
You clearly don't think you're a loser.
You just complimented yourself,
like, five times.
- Kel. Bro, are you asleep?
- [gasps]
[Kel] I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.
You uh, girls like you,
and you have a great body.
Davey, you gotta chill out
and not come on too strong.
Come on too strong?
All I did was go on her social media,
find out her favorite drink,
and then get my barista certification
to learn to write on latte foam
so I could personalize her coffee
when she woke up. Kel!
Kel, get my back here.
I can't. You're like a sociopath.
You gotta stop doing weird shit
like that, man.
Oh, and speaking of coffee,
can you guys grind your beans
and eat breakfast on the terrace?
- [Davis and Kel] Why?
- Vivian mentioned
it's loud for her in the morning.
- Yeah, but Vivian doesn't live here.
- She basically does.
Yeah, except in the way
where she pays rent.
Guys, I know this is not ideal,
but we'll be out of your hair soon
when we move to the apartment
across the hall. Thank you.
Sorry! I appreciate you!
I cannot believe
that you have a girlfriend, and I don't.
I'm gonna go shower alone.
[knocking]
- Can I help you?
- Hi.
Uh, I'm new to the building.
My phone died.
I forgot my apartment number.
Miss, I think we're all good here.
I know this scam.
You get inside, you chat us up,
and suddenly my laptop's missing.
Oh, my God, it's you.
- What?
- Nothing.
Um, do you know where
Abby Chilukuri lives?
Abby. Uh, Indian? Gorgeous?
Smells like a garden
after a summer's rain?
Wow, uh, yes. That is her.
Right across the hall, 6-D.
Hey, friendly bit of advice.
I'd lose the Red Sox hat.
It's not gonna make you
a lot of friends around here.
[scoffs] Wow.
Um, are you making a lot of friends
in that cardigan?
Excuse me.
This cardigan belonged to my father.
And when our cleaning lady
accidentally shrunk it, he gave it to me.
Cool. Bye.
- Nice meeting you, neighbor.
- Neighbor?
You're moving in across the hall?
Yeah. Lucky me.
Tell Abby Kel says hi.
- Nice to meet you, neighbor.
- No. No. No, Kel.
- What?
- It's not nice to meet her.
She was very rude about my sweater.
[knocking]
Ah, you're finally here.
- Welcome to New York. Oh!
- Abby.
Abby, get in here.
Shut the door.
Why didn't you tell me
we live next door to Josh?
- Who?
- Botswana Josh.
Who is Botswana Josh?
This is a shoe-free apartment,
but continue.
Sophomore year. Model U.N.
He came to Penn with the Michigan team.
It was the height of COVID.
I hadn't seen the lower half
of a man's face in a year.
Moonlight, you're my starlight ♪
I need you all night ♪
Come on, dance with me,
I'm levitating ♪
[AJ] I took him back to our room
and we hooked up.
But Botswana Josh left
before the sun came up.
I woke up and he was gone.
[gasps] I remember now.
That son of a bitch.
I slept in the hallway
so you guys could have sex.
Someone leaned their bike on me.
I texted him, but he ghosted me,
and I never heard from him again
until now.
- Oh, fuck this.
- Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?
To confront Botswana Josh
and humiliate him
in front of his roommates.
No! No, stop! He didn't even recognize me.
We can never speak of this.
It's too embarrassing.
Forget it. Just show me the apartment.
I'm nothin', Pop.
Pop, I'm nothing!
Can't you understand that?
There's no spite in it anymore.
I'm just what I am.
That's all.
[applause]
[person laughing]
That's good, man. How you doing?
- Uh, Quest.
- Oh, my God. Questlove.
- Yeah, man.
- Yo, what what are you doing here?
Oh, I'm I'm one of the producers.
Like, if it's in New York and it's cool,
then they kind of have to ask me.
Well, thank you, thank you, wow.
It's it's such an honor to meet you.
And my mom, she wants to hook you up
with one of my cousins, if you're single.
[chuckles]
Yeah, I get that from moms a lot.
Hey, let's move on to the next part.
Uh, next part?
Yeah, the freestyle rap.
Oh, free freestyle rap, that's
- That's a part of the show?
- Might be.
We're work shopping it, but you got this.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, have fun with it.
Drop a beat. You got this.
[muttering indistinctly]
[Hip-hop beat playing]
Come on.
[snapping]
Um, I'm gonna get the next one.
- Yeah, yeah, go on.
- Unh, unh, yeah ♪
- My name is Kel, I'm here to say ♪
- Yeah.
I had a turkey sandwich
for lunch today ♪
Unh, mayo, lettuce, ketchup and turkey ♪
That's good, man,
but move off ingredients.
[Kel]
Okay, okay, unh ♪
There was celery and carrots
and turkey and pickles ♪
You're still doing ingredients.
Rap about something else.
- Alright.
- Like tell me about yourself.
- Myself? Okay.
- Yeah. Unh.
Yeah, uh I got dreams ♪
- Uh-huh.
- Of a sandwich ♪
'Cause it's lunchtime
and I'm famished ♪
Hey. Thanks, man. We're good.
- Thank you. You did great.
- Maybe we could switch the beat up.
- Can I get another beat?
- Yeah, we're good, man. Yeah.
[chuckles]
♪♪
[AJ] Why is this place so nice?
What's going on here?
[sighs] Thank you.
Ethan didn't appreciate it.
Oh, yeah. Have you heard from him
since you broke up?
No, and thank God.
- Mm.
- Get this.
He became a singer-songwriter.
- Ew.
- Yeah, country music.
All his songs are about "the road."
He grew up in Greenwich.
I'm sorry, what road?
And why is his mail still coming here?
I'm gonna talk to the super
about taking his name
- off our mailbox.
- No, don't!
It's okay. I'll take care of it.
- [clearing throat]
- Can I just say, it feels so good
to hear you finally trash him.
I mean, obviously, I always hated him,
but I don't have any credibility
because I hate all your boyfriends.
Okay, well, it all worked out
because you can live here now.
And also pay rent.
Let's not lie, I get paid crumbs
to be screamed at by my boss.
It's crazy that the stylist
you used to stalk
on Instagram in college is now your boss.
I mean, it's also a never-meet-your-heroes
type of situation.
But I'm proud.
- I'm proud of you, too.
- Also, aren't you starting work tomorrow?
Yes, and I need this job so bad.
I looked at my student loan balance
and genuinely scared myself.
- Hey, at your new job
- Hm?
I need you to try and make friends.
Okay? I know that can be hard for you.
What are you talking about? I'm lovely.
I mean, unless somebody
breathes too loudly,
and then obviously, I snap.
You're not. You're anxious, angry,
and obsessed with justice.
- [gasps]
- And as much as I adore you, AJ,
I cannot be your entire social ecosystem.
Just put yourself out there.
Be friendly. At least try.
I can do that.
[Funky music playing]
Jocelyn, my lady.
- How was the weekend?
- My Achilles flared,
so I had to go to urgent care
to get it drained.
Nurse was kinda hot, though.
Self-care and a meet-cute. Damn, girl!
Dileep. What's up, my man?
Must we always fist bump?
A simple wave works.
Absolutely not.
No, I need to feel your knuckles on mine.
[imitating explosion]
How was the weekend?
Lovely. Sharmela and I
renewed our vows in Tennessee.
[gasps] Uh, Blackberry Farm in Walland.
Voted most romantic place for couples
in the continental U.S.
- Yes. Have you been?
- No.
No, I just hope to take someone there.
Someday.
God, I'm so lonely.
Davis, when I met Sharmela at IIT,
it was love at first sight.
For me. Not for her.
So, you know what I did?
You wined, dined, and 69'ed her.
I did not, and never say that again.
I backed off. Became her friend.
Eventually, Sharmela felt
the same way about me.
I think you can learn from that, Davis.
I mean, that goes against
my entire personality.
But I'll try.
Yeah, right. No chance in hell.
Hey, give me a break, Jocelyn!
[AJ] Okay, so what famous people
are you dressing right now?
Right now? Austin Blanchett.
- Austin Blanchett?!
- Mm-hm!
- Cate Blanchett's nephew?
- Yeah.
- What is he like?
- [scoffs] No idea.
Vanessa deals with him.
I just iron his socks.
And that is important work, too.
Okay, I am gonna head this way.
Get my run in.
Oh, please, you're practicing
your commute to work, you nerd.
Yeah, it's normal.
No, it's not, but have fun.
[Upbeat music playing]
[man] Next.
Hey, yeah, double espresso.
Uh, I was next.
Uh, you were on your phone,
and the line moved.
I was glancing at my phone
for two seconds.
Yeah, well, I don't have all day
while you make your TikToks
or whatever, alright?
Some of us have to work.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, cellphones are a scourge
and should be banned in public.
- Keep the change.
- Hey, pal, I don't need an icy cold take
on cellphones from some boomer dad
in orthopedic sneakers.
Okay, I have plantar fasciitis,
and I was born in the '80s.
You just told me we were born
in different centuries.
Sir, I will pay you $100 to not serve
this woman over here.
- What?
- Are you serious?
You know, actually $500.
Because this woman
wasted our valuable time,
- you deserve to be compensated
- [AJ gaps]
and she should learn a lesson.
Yeah, I'll take it. Sorry, lady.
Just 'cause you have $500 to throw around
doesn't mean you get to be an asshole.
That's exactly what it means. Cheers.
Next.
Mother
[elevator dings]
♪♪
Clap your hands now, people, clap now ♪
Clap your hands now, people,
clap your hands ♪
Wow. Paula Miller.
It is an honor to meet you.
You are a feminist icon to women and men.
You know, normally,
new PAs have three rounds of interviews
- before they meet with me.
- Oh.
Really, just to be clear,
I submitted my resume
through the portal
like any other applicant.
Right, right, right, right.
But unlike all the other
hundreds of applicants,
you're our CEO's son.
Look, I get it.
And there's a much-needed
conversation going on
about nepotism in the workplace.
But if we're gonna talk about that,
we should also talk about whose land
we're on right now.
It was the Lenape people
who were the first custodians and
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
You seem like a nice kid.
But it's not gonna happen.
You're not even gonna interview me?
I've seen enough.
You can go.
[elevator dings]
[Wes Dryden]
I want you to put out a memo,
and I cannot express
how important this is.
No more microwaving lunch in the kitchen.
The whole floor
smells like a fisherman's wharf.
- [assistant] Got it. No fish.
- Oh, my God, Wes Dryden.
- Hello.
- I am such a big fan.
Your show is literally the last bastion
of investigative journalism.
Thank you. [Chuckles]
If truth disappears, so follows democracy.
God, I hate the smell of fish.
You want seafood? You have it at home.
To be clear, I will continue to eat sushi.
I actually just, uh,
interviewed for the new PA gig.
Probably didn't get it,
but to have the opportunity
to work for you.
- [imitating explosion]
- [chuckles] That's kind, but remember,
it's a very competitive position.
You can always apply again.
- Totally.
- Alright.
Sorry, I didn't introduce myself.
Josh. Teitelbaum.
Teitelbaum.
Well, I believe I know your father.
♪♪
[Vanessa]
Tomorrow is Austin's movie premiere.
And I don't mean to sound scary,
but if anything goes wrong,
I will fucking kill you.
His fingers should never touch a button.
Anticipate.
Also, he might not be wearing underwear,
so please do not gawk at his genitals.
Got it. Don't look at his penis.
Or his scrotum, Abby. [Groaning]
Alright, so this is what he'll be wearing.
[gasps] Oh, wow.
- Where's the shirt?
- There is no shirt.
This is that new Danish designer, Blemish.
Austin wears this,
we get the Blemish campaign,
which pays way more
than an indie film premiere.
So, why bring options?
The illusion of choice.
This goes on the rack first,
followed by a bunch of crap.
He'll beg to wear it.
So, y-you want me to put together
a bunch of bad outfits?
Welcome to the conversation. Yes.
♪♪
[groaning]
[AJ] Can I show you my outfit
for my first day of work?
Desperately. Yes.
I think it's cool.
It's business, but the broach says fun.
It says, "I manage a dialysis center."
What? Oh, God!
I'm spiraling. Everyone in finance
dresses like a Vogue intern
who also has an MBA.
Hey. Hey.
Okay, when I met you freshman year,
I thought, who is this angry little boy
in a Rajon Rondo jersey?
- Rondo's the best.
- And then, I marched
right over to the registrar
to get reassigned.
- You did?
- And when they wouldn't let me,
it was the best thing that ever happened.
Because this little Boston townie is
a low-key genius with integrity.
Everyone at your job will see that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now, let's get you something different.
This outfit is hurting our friendship.
Oh, my God, I love you forever.
What is that smell?
[sniffing]
[both shrieking]
It's my flat iron.
I was using it to iron my clothes.
[Abby coughing]
- [flames whooshing]
- Mouthwash is flammable!
[AJ shrieking]
You got the job? I'm so proud of you.
- [sighs] Yeah.
- Fucking Christiane Amanpour over here.
[laughing] No, it it didn't happen
the way I expected,
but you know what,
I'm gonna win 'em all over.
- Let's go get a drink and celebrate.
- [sucking teeth]
I can't. I already took my melatonin.
I could fall asleep at the bar
and get roofied.
Kel. Thank God, someone fun.
Come get a drink with me.
No, thanks. Didn't get the part.
So I can't quit med school.
I'll just be one of those sad-ass doctors
who gets, like, too into the Oscars
every year.
- [alarm blaring]
- Oh, what the hell?
Holy shit, you guys, it's a fire!
Come on, we gotta get out!
I'm not gonna lose you like this.
Grab the photo of us from Six Flags.
[siren wailing]
Be careful.
These garments are worth more
than your lives.
- Okay, look. I have to tell you something.
- Ooh!
My name's not on the lease.
Ethan's is. That's why I keep his mail.
I said he was a pilot and traveling.
- You don't live here, you're visiting.
- Wait, what?
Abby. How are you this evening?
Oh, hey!
This is Antoine, my landlord. I'm great.
I now have footage confirming
that you are good
during this flame event.
No legal liability. And you are?
This is my friend.
She's visiting from Sydney.
Wow, all the way from Australia.
- Mm-hmm.
- [with Australian accent] G'day, mate!
Can you believe this bloody fire, mate?
I didn't understand any of that,
but it was nice to meet you.
[normal accent] What was that?
Why didn't you just say I was from Boston?
Because I'm not a professional liar, okay?
It doesn't come naturally to me.
Hey, can I speak to you privately?
Uh
[Josh] I'm so sorry about earlier.
I just wanted to make you aware
that your roommate
is committing rental fraud.
- So?
- So, it's unethical, first of all.
And second of all, me and my girlfriend
She's a social worker, by the way
We're planning on moving in. Legally.
[Davis] Yeah, the creatine
was making my acne flare up.
Oh, shit. Dude, it's Abby, four o'clock.
Okay, now's your chance to go
and talk to her, she's by herself.
No, no, she's not into me, and I already
took my contacts out, I I can't.
Hey, man, if you don't go
and talk to her, then I will.
Then, she'll fall in love with me,
and it'll ruin our friendship.
Okay, stop, stop. Fine.
Okay, let's go.
Yo, Abby, what's up?
[sighs] Crazy about this fire, huh?
Oh, I hope Kel's medical textbooks
don't get burned up.
Sorry, this is Kel.
He's in medical school.
Yeah, I know.
He told me when he hit on me
at that Halloween party in 4-C.
What? I wasn't hitting on you.
I I just said you looked beautiful
in your Harley Quinn costume,
and I asked to see your bedroom.
Wow! [Laughing] Sparks, or
[clearing throat]
Well, I know when I'm a third wheel.
Uh, good night, you crazy kids.
I'm gonna see if I can sneak back in.
- Ahem.
- So, you're in med school?
My parents would be so psyched
if I was gonna be a doctor.
Yeah, I mean,
it's kinda the only reason I'm doing it.
- What would you rather be doing?
- Honestly?
I want to be an actor.
When I was a kid, my parents put me
in the church nativity play.
I was Joseph, and I I killed it.
I mean, they even gave me
some of Mary's lines.
- [chuckles]
- And I've been hooked ever since.
And I feel like I found a piece of myself
I didn't know was missing.
I'm sorry, I don't I don't know why
I'm telling you all this.
I mean, who knows if you can act,
but I think you can make it.
You're pretty good-looking.
I'm good-looking.
- Oh, god.
- Damn, girl, our building is on fire.
I'm just trying to stay alive.
I'm not trying to get hit on.
I'm never making small talk
with you again.
[AJ] This Is unbelievable! You are so
exhausting and self-important!
Don't make us the villain
in your sob story.
- There is a housing crisis!
- Then, move to New Jersey!
- Ha!
- I'm sorry, is there a problem over here?
Yeah, there's a problem.
You're both criminals.
No wonder trust is eroding in our society.
Hey, so don't saunter over here
making accusations,
especially not in that cardigan.
You look like a grandpa
in a Christmas commercial.
Hey, don't talk to him like that.
Only we can say his cardigan sucks.
This cardigan is cool!
It gives me a quiet sophistication!
Everyone, we've identified
the source of the fire.
It was coming from 6-D.
I knew it.
It was a cheap flat iron.
One of the ones you get
when you're traveling
and you forgot your nice one at home.
- Her hair isn't even that good.
- Anyway,
it's been contained.
You can all go back in.
[crowd chattering]
This isn't over.
As a member of this building's community,
I don't feel safe anymore.
This could have been another
Triangle Shirtwaist Factory.
That was the deadliest
industrial disaster in
Oh, I know
the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory.
Yeah, Josh, Antoine was the dance captain
for the musical adaptation on Broadway.
It, too, went down in flames.
Okay, well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
But as our landlord,
I think you should know,
the original leaseholder of 6-D
no longer lives there.
The current tenants
are committing rental fraud.
Those little bitches.
That word is problematic,
but I don't disagree.
The good news,
I have an amazing replacement.
My girlfriend and me.
We don't smoke. We don't own pets.
- They don't have sex.
- We do.
We just don't make a whole thing about it.
And we can pay the security deposit
in cash.
First month, last month,
and I get to store my snowboard
- in the second bedroom.
- Deal.
Always a pleasure doing business
with you gentlemen.
And don't think I didn't see
that space heater.
- My feet get cold.
- Get some socks.
It's not a human.
It's just a piece of meat.
It's a piece of meat
with hopes and dreams.
No, shh, it's not helping.
You are a doctor. Pretend to be a doctor.
Kel, we can all hear you.
This is very awkward for us.
Sorry.
[flesh squelching]
Fine work. You've come a long way, Kel.
And that rush you're feeling,
that's the reason we do this.
[sighs] Yeah.
What if I don't feel anything?
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, like like I just
cut this guy open, and
I don't feel anything.
And not in like a like a Dexter,
"I'm a serial killer" kinda way,
but you know, like a, "I just don't
find it fulfilling or even interesting."
You know, like when you cut open
an Amazon box
and you already know it's printer paper.
Is everything okay?
- Are you going to faint?
- Yeah, no, no, I
- I can't carry you out again.
- No, no, no.
I think I thought that at some point,
if I got good enough,
that it would click and I would love it.
And that's just not happening.
That's not fair to you guys,
or to you, Dr. Desai,
or to this uncircumcised cadaver.
So, I think I'm just gonna go.
Excuse me.
Hm, that was weird.
- [Josh] You did what?!
- I quit medical school.
Like, quit, quit?
Yeah, I walked out of the cadaver lab,
just got on the six,
and I guess somewhere along the line,
I impulse bought this sweatshirt.
What's with the big pause?
Be happy for me, this is a good thing.
Is it? You don't have a job.
You're not in school. You're basically a
A big fat loser, bro,
in a child-sized sweatshirt.
[snapping] That explains why
the neck hole is so small.
But I'm not a loser.
I'm finally free to pursue my dreams.
I'm just processing.
I've known you since you were 12,
and you've never done anything
this impulsive.
I also don't think you've blinked once
since you started talking.
'Cause my eyes are open
to the truth of who I am.
And your parents are cool with this?
- I haven't told 'em yet.
- Are you kidding me?
So, that's why you're in such a good mood.
You haven't been murdered by your mom yet.
I can handle my mom,
but you two need to get on board.
That's what being friends
is all about, right?
We support each other
even when it doesn't make sense.
Like when you dyed your hair
to look like Machine Gun Kelly.
Oh, yes, I was thinking
of doing that again.
- [Josh and Kel] No.
- Kel, I'll admit, you've been miserable,
and I miss seeing the light in your eyes,
so congrats.
And you deserve to be happy
for the 18 hours before your mom
- finds out and kills you.
- Thank you.
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Is that good or bad?
You look like such a finance bitch.
Power suit, check.
No-makeup makeup, check.
Coach Tabby bag, check.
I would give you all my money
to lose in a Ponzi scheme.
They're gonna love you.
And I like that outfit you're styling.
It's so artsy?
It's supposed to be bad.
Oh, great. You killed it.
[clapping] Okay, wish me luck.
["I Only See You" by Keith playing]
Listen, girl ♪
Oh, can't you see ♪
I'm looking straight at you ♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm blind, all those women, girl ♪
But I, I can only see you ♪
[sighs] You got this, Pascarelli.
Won't you believe me? ♪
That I can only see ♪
What's in front of me ♪
And it's you, whoo! ♪
Can't even eat ♪
Oh ♪
Hi. Um, I'm AJ.
New consumer and retail analyst.
You must be our VP, Dileep?
Yes, I emailed you a deal book
that needs formatting,
And I would love to do that for you.
Do I have a desk?
Great. Uh, do I have an email?
You know what?
I will figure it out myself.
- No fucking way.
- [mug clattering]
You're our first-year?
The girl from the lobby.
Wow. This this is incredible.
- What a warm welcome. Hi.
- Oh, man, you should be so psyched.
Uh, first off, hi.
I'm Davis Beau Bradley Barrett III.
- Mm-hmm.
- And this is the best day of your life.
You landed on the dream team.
My man Dileep and I,
we crush deals.
And don't get me started on Jocelyn.
She is a beast.
Postponed foot surgery three times
so she didn't miss work.
That's why she's got that badass cane.
Ruptured Achilles.
It's excruciating, but it's worth it.
I'm happy for you. How are the MDs?
Oh, there's only one that matters.
Uh, Bill Gibson.
The legend? Bill the Butcher?
Youngest MD ever,
made 3 billion before 30?
- He also dated a Hadid.
- Hey, that is just a rumor.
- [whispering] It's not a rumor.
- Where is he?
[laughing] Sorry. Oh.
Bill doesn't work regular hours.
He makes his own rules.
When he's here, you'll know.
He lives in that office.
Wow. Well, great.
- [clapping] Can't wait to be useful.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, I know we just met, but, um,
I would really love to
be a, uh, resource
in your professional toolkit.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Mm-hmm.
Okey-dokey.
Does anyone know what the password is?
Yeah, I got it. I gotcha, yeah.
[Upbeat music playing]
[Wes] [clapping]
Everyone! Attention, please.
Attention! Meet Josh Teitelbaum.
Yes, that Teitelbaum.
Adding a touch of class to this place.
He's our new production assistant.
Isn't this glamorous?
What?!
I think he'll make a wonderful addition.
Um, could we please
discuss this in private?
No need, Paula, it's a done deal.
Well, there were other
qualified candidates,
like Elena.
- Who's Elena?
- I'm Elena.
I've been working here for a year.
I drove you home from your colonoscopy.
Oh. E-Elena.
Yes, you're you're great.
You have to understand,
I was very high that day.
Isn't it wonderful?
We can have Elena the intern
and Josh both working here.
Paula, get him a desk or something.
[Rhythmic drumbeat playing]
- I brought cupcakes.
- Oh!
Elena, you want to grab us
some plates and napkins?
♪♪
- [knocking]
- Not a good time.
I know I wasn't your first choice,
but I am smart,
I am hard-working, and I will prove to you
that I was the right choice.
Do you want to know how I got this job?
Oh, yes!
Please. Love an origin story.
In the early '90s, things weren't great
for women in TV.
I can't imagine.
You probably had to work
twice as hard to rise up the ranks.
I had to work ten times as hard,
and still got nowhere.
So, I got creative. I married Wes.
I'm sorry, you were married to Wes Dryden?
But he's gay, and so are
you 've never told me
how you identify.
Oh, we're both raging homos.
But back then, Wes had to look
like a family man for the anchor job.
And I needed to seem
sexually palatable to one man
to earn the respect of other men.
That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Yeah. So, that's what I had to do.
And to think, all you had to do
was to say your last name.
I am seeing the discrepancy.
So, as long as I'm here,
you will never advance at the show.
And I'm not going anywhere.
I've been on the Blue Zone diet
since Clinton's first term.
So, unless that cupcake
is made of algae, you can leave.
♪♪
[phone ringing]
Hi, Vanessa. Where are you?
The fitting starts in ten minutes.
- [siren wailing]
- I'm going to the hospital.
What? What happened?
[sighs] I was in a taxi,
and there was stupid fucking gridlock,
so I got out to walk,
and I got hit by a pedicab.
A pedicab? How?
Those things go, like, two miles an hour.
I may have been texting
with Loewe's head of PR
and wasn't looking.
Anyway, the point is,
you have to get Austin ready by yourself.
Me? Alone?
Oh, fuck my life. Yes.
That's what "by yourself" means.
God, now I'm panicking.
Can you sedate me, sir?
Like in the movies?
Vanessa, don't worry about it. I got it.
[sighs] Okay.
Hi! Does anyone here
have any upper-body strength?
Welcome to our first year
analyst speaker series.
[cheering and applause]
We're thrilled to be talking with someone
who is very hard to pin down.
Managing Director Bill Gibson.
[applause]
Oh, fuck me.
So much is said
about the intense lifestyle
of investment bankers.
But at Fisher Stassen, we're working hard
to reject that old trope.
So, let's start with work-life balance.
What's that quote?
"No one on their deathbed
ever said they wished they spent
more time in the office"?
Yes, exactly.
Total bullshit.
Look, I'm from Bumfuck, Oklahoma, right?
I was nobody until I got here.
- You mean you found community.
- No.
Fuck community. I found power.
Look, you ever close
a billion-dollar merger?
[exhales sharply] It's better than
the best night of sex you ever had.
[chuckles nervously]
He's being metaphorical.
[Bill] No, I'm not.
And it's not about the expense account
or the drugs,
although those are great, too.
It's about the leverage.
That's real power.
And about work-life balance,
if this job were easy,
everyone would do it.
Do you have anything inspirational
- you could impart to our young people?
- Yeah.
You're no longer young people.
You're just people.
And people are either
productive or dead weight.
So, if you want to take off on a Friday
to go to a music festival,
or if you wanna whine because your boss
won't let you grow a mustache,
if you're not willing
to sacrifice everything for this job
the exit is right there.
Uh, thank you, Bill.
That was such a colorful,
unfiltered perspective.
But remember,
that does not reflect company values.
Please don't post this.
[Kel] Thank you so much
for meeting me, Naya.
- How's work?
- Really good.
It's a great time
to be in plastic surgery.
Literally everyone hates how they look,
even hot people.
- Huh!
- What's up?
I'm dropping out of medical school.
You're joking.
Is this because you fainted
in the cadaver lab?
- You know about that?
- Yes, everyone's talking about it.
- It's all over the Columbia Reddit.
- [laughing sarcastically]
Kel, everyone hates med school
and thinks about dropping out.
- You'll get over it.
- No, I won't.
I'm miserable.
I don't even want to be a doctor.
I just really need you on my side
when I tell Mom.
I just need some time to figure out
what to say next time I see her.
- Oh, my God, you're going to kill me.
- What? Why?
- Mom's here.
- What?
Well, she called me,
and I told her we were having lunch,
so she asked if she could stop by.
- Naya!
- I didn't know.
- There are my babies!
- Mom.
Mwah. Mwah.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I I love it.
It's so hard to get both of you together.
You're in surgery.
You're fainting in the cadaver lab.
- Wow, so everyone knows.
- But what does it matter?
You're becoming a doctor.
Mom, I'm I'm glad that you're here.
I didn't think
I'd be telling you this now,
- but I don't I don't think I'm
- In a second, Kel.
I want to take our Christmas card photos.
Christmas card photos?
Yes. Both of you in your doctor coats.
It's a festive way to let
our friends and family know
my children
are more successful than theirs.
That is what the holidays are all about.
Now, Kel, what did you want to tell me?
That this card rocks. Let's take this pic.
Alright, now.
Wait for these people to move.
Let's do back-to-back. Bigger smiles.
You love being a doctor!
Yes.
[Jazz music playing]
[Josh] [groaning]
I've had a horrible day.
My 60-year-old boss
told me she'll outlive me,
and I think I believe her.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I got you Thai from Fish Cheeks.
My favorite.
You always know
how to make me feel better.
What's up?
Wait, why do you have your suitcase?
The food is actually a goodbye gift.
I'm leaving.
- What?
- Josh, I'm not in love with you anymore.
Are you kidding me?
I I'm getting our neighbors evicted
so we can move in together.
Well, about that. It's the craziest thing.
I was looking at an apartment,
and just randomly,
the guy who was showing me the listing,
we just hit it off. [Chuckles]
You're leaving me for a real estate agent?
Well, he's not just a real estate agent.
Josh, he's a Property Brother.
I mean, not the one with Zooey Deschanel
or that guy's twin,
but their younger brother.
You're leaving me
for a nonessential Property Brother?
Uh, do not talk about Eric like that.
Eric? The fuck?
It was electric when we met,
and it made me realize what is missing
in our relationship.
- What are we missing?
- Well, he's fun!
And he isn't embarrassed that he's rich.
I mean, we will go to a restaurant
even if the Sultan of Brunei owns it,
or wear leather without it
being a whole thing.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not complicit
in cow genocide.
You know, the irony is,
if you met him, you would love him.
I don't want to hear about your stupid
fucking realtor boyfriend, Vivian.
Take your Thai food and go.
And for what it's worth,
you can keep my Brita.
Eric lets me drink single-use plastics.
Congratulations, you're dating a monster.
Yeah, I'm not doing a spray tan.
It's the Independent Spirit Awards,
not the VMAs.
I mean, would Paul Mescal do a spray tan?
Oh, it's his guy?
[scoffs] Yeah, alright, let's do it.
Okay, gotta go.
- Yeah, can we just make this fast?
- Sure.
Um, I'm Abby.
I'm filling in for Vanessa,
who is indisposed.
Who's Vanessa?
- She's your stylist.
- Oh, the tiny, grouchy woman?
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
What are we wearing?
Uh
- Here we go.
- [scoffs]
Righto.
Let me know if you need
any help getting into it.
Vanessa loves this for you.
It's, uh, this designer Blemish.
They're European. Very avant garde.
Oh.
I love it. [Chuckles]
It's, uh, s-such a choice.
Oh, yeah?
I mean, I think we can both agree
this is horrible,
But it doesn't matter.
- Fashion is not important.
- [scoffs]
- What?
- Fashion's not not important
just because you don't understand it.
Oh, are you seriously trying to tell me
this is a normal, cool way to dress?
I look like a time-traveling stripper.
Okay, I agree that maybe
it's a little over the top.
[scoffs] I didn't get into acting
to make a fashion statement.
I mean, it's about the work,
- not what I wear.
- [scoffs]
Are you gonna keep making
these little sounds?
I just I'm sorry.
If it is just about the work,
then why do red carpets exist?
Because if the audience
is into the fashion,
they're way more likely to see your movie.
Fair enough.
But I still don't like the suit.
So unless you have something else
that I can wear,
Miss Fashion Justice Warrior,
I'm gonna rock my t-shirt and jeans.
Okay, wait. Wait.
I, I I might have something for you.
Most of this rack is garbage,
but I snuck something good in.
Are you sure about that color?
I'm gonna look like a pomegranate.
It's Dolce and Gabbana.
[sighs] Colin Farrell's worn them.
- Colin Farrell?
- Mm-hmm.
Really? Alright. [Chuckles]
Well, I'll try.
♪♪
♪♪
[suspenseful music playing]
Not tonight, rapist!
[screaming]
What the hell? Davis?
Why did you do that?
Why are you following me?
I'm not, I'm walking home!
- Home? Where?
- Right here.
- I'm 6-C.
- I'm 6-D.
Oh, my God, do you live with Josh
and that hot guy
who's obsessed with my roommate?
I think people consider me
the hot one, but yes.
- Oh, my God, my eyes!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Davis, is there anything I can do?
- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
- I'm fine.
- Okay. Sorry again.
Stressful day.
May I ask, is Bill,
like, forgiving and chill?
No, no, not at all.
There's a reason
your analyst job was open.
He fired the previous girl
'cause he didn't like
how she spelled her name, Erika with a K.
It's not even that weird
of a way to spell Erika.
And what if someone at work
called him, like, an asshole?
He'd kill them and fire them,
- in that order.
- Oh, God.
And all I wanted was for one person
at work to like me.
I like you.
Thank you.
I mean, it means slightly less
because you seem to like everyone.
Guilty. But I usually don't feel that way
about people who just pepper-sprayed me.
So, you're good.
Anyways, I'm gonna go in
and rinse my eyes
just to make sure I'm not blind.
Of course. So sorry again.
Uh, good luck.
[Abby sighs]
Oh, my God. You look so good.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- It's pretty red.
- It suits you.
People are gonna lose it
when they see you play that dying guy
that ends up with Ana de Armas.
You googled my movie.
Yeah, of course I did.
The work is important, too.
Almost as important as the fashion.
Okay, well, take it off.
I need to steam it.
Were you just checking me out?
What? No!
Absolutely not. That is so unprofessional.
I would never.
That's too bad.
I won't wait this time ♪
No, not now, not again,
not much longer ♪
Let's make it last forever
'cause the night's still young ♪
[sighing] Ruth Bader Twinsburg.
That was such a fucking good costume.
Um, take out for AJ?
[clearing throat] I know you are sad,
but it is time to pay.
Shit. I left my wallet upstairs.
- Can I Venmo you?
- Venmo?
This is a restaurant.
We are not roommates
with a shared utility bill.
- I'll just run up and grab it.
- I cannot let you leave.
Hey, man, I just had my heart shattered
an hour ago.
I don't know
if that's ever happened to you.
- No, I have never been dumped.
- Okay.
Well, can you give me a break
and let me run upstairs and get the money?
- I can pay. I have cash.
- No!
- Great.
- Absolutely not.
- She is a good friend.
- Oh, we are not.
You really didn't need to do that.
You know, I had it covered.
You shouldn't rip off small businesses.
That's not okay.
I wasn't doing that.
I love small business.
You could just say thank you.
Thank you.
Great. Gonna get my food.
Wait, hold on.
Have we met before?
Well, um, yeah.
- I live across the hall.
- No, no, no.
Like, before that.
You seem so familiar.
Well, maybe your conscience
wants you to be nicer to me.
Fair.
Thanks again.
- I'll pay you back.
- Sweet.
♪♪
[Josh] Hey, Antoine. Forget what we said
about the girls in 6D. My bad.
[text whooshing]
[Kel] Hey, can you talk tomorrow?
I might need a job.
- [text whooshing]
- [door opens]
Oh, my God, what happened to you?
I was just pepper-sprayed.
Why are you smiling?
Because I just met the woman of my dreams.
Oh, my God.
AJ, Austin wore an outfit I styled today.
And, yes, Vanessa may kill me
tomorrow, but
Wait. What's wrong?
You know that asshole
I told off at the coffee cart?
Yeah, that was awesome.
I love when you rage out on randoms.
Well, turns out he's actually incredible,
and brilliant, and my boss.
And the second he sees me again,
he's gonna fire me.
Oh, shit.
["The Dreaming Moon"
by The Magnetic Fields playing]
We were young and in love ♪
In a burning town ♪
But the fire went out ♪
I'm alone again now ♪
And I finally know
how cool to be cold ♪
With the dreaming moon ♪
♪♪
[voice] Go to bed.