On the Buses (1969) s01e01 Episode Script

On the buses number 1, part 1, production
number 0157, recording date 14-2-69,
take 1.
Over and out, please.
Morning, Mum.
Hello, love.
Oh, these new schedules are murder, aren't they?
Don't you happen to get up this time in the morning?
No morning papers.
Look at that.
Even Tony Blackburn ain't up.
There's your breakfast.
Eat it up.
I'm not going to eat it in me socks, Mum.
Where's me shoes?
I put them here last night.
I've got them here.
They're in the oven to keep warm.
Oh.
Tie them up.
Here you are, love.
I don't know what they want you to order them for.
I was all right as they were.
Oh!
I say.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
You going all right?
Yeah.
Next time, give her another five minutes at number 6 and send a recipe to Jimmy
Young.
Now, look here, Stan.
You've gone right through the soul again.
Mum, I can't help that.
It's the brake pedal that does it.
Well, you shouldn't press it down so hard.
I don't be daft.
If I don't press it down so hard, I'll go right through a brick wall.
Come on, come on.
Eat up your breakfast.
You're looking very pale, you know.
Oh, turn it in, will you?
Oh, just the same when you was a lad.
Always, always pale-faced and thin.
Mum, Mum, can I have a cup of tea, please?
Oh, yes, of course, of course.
Thank you.
There we are.
Just because you're on the early shift, you don't have to get the whole house
holed up.
Me and Olive haven't been up since 5 o'clock.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, you didn't have to bother to come down.
Stan would have got you a nice cup of tea.
He married my sister, not me.
Yeah, well, since I'm up, I'll have me breakfast.
Yeah, well, you have to wait, dear.
Got to get Stan's lunch ready first.
Stan's lunch?
I thought you always had it in the canteen.
I did, but with these new schedules, I'm never back in the depot in time.
You stand for that.
Every man is entitled to canteen facilities.
Your union should have done something about it.
They did.
They agreed.
I suppose you was too frightened to stand up at the meeting and say anything.
Oh, no, I wasn't.
Why don't you speak up for yourself?
I wasn't there.
It was my bingo night.
Typical.
No wonder the unions are getting infiltrated.
You should have spent the evening with your brother members.
I did.
We had more at the bingo than we had at the meeting.
That's graceful.
I pride myself on the fact that I've never missed a union meeting.
12 years I've been Treasurer of the Railway Union and every member comes to
every meeting.
With you as Treasurer, I'm not surprised.
Are you trying to suggest that I'm
No, no, no, no, then.
Here, they smell nice.
I'll have a couple of those sausages for me breakfast.
Oh, I'm sorry, there's no more left.
These are for Stan's lunch.
I don't like cold bangers, Mum.
Oh, you're not going to have them cold, love.
I'm putting them in the thermos.
How the hell am I supposed to get them out there?
Oh, don't worry.
Pour them on a plate or something?
Well, have you got any bacon?
I'll try not to use that for Stan's sandwiches.
Here, Harper, try a bit of fried bread.
Fried bread?
That's no good for a working man.
Working man?
You're a working man?
I book in Clark and Crossley Junction.
Three trains a day, two of them cancelled.
The amount of work you get through, mate, you could survive on a cream cracker.
Well, I suppose I can fill up with cornflakes.
Here, where's the milk, Mum?
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
It's finished.
Not Stan's lunch again.
Oh, no.
Rusty's breakfast.
Come on, love.
You'll have to wait till the milkman comes.
Time for water.
Morning, Olive.
Morning, Mum.
How are you?
Not very well.
I had a terrible night.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
Oh, God, here we go again.
Morning, Stan.
Oh, come on, say good morning to your sister.
Morning, Olive.
Coughing better?
She had me awake all night with that chest of hers, weaving and puffing away,
like being in bed with a steam engine.
Watch it, love, watch it.
You'll burst your boiler.
Stop fussing.
Well, it's murder, Mum.
Olive can't help it.
All this carry-on about her wheezes.
It's only when she breathes.
That's right, love, you take the soup.
It'll do you good.
It's always the same when there was children.
You know, mine too.
Always have a fun, weak chest.
That reminds me, have you got your vest on?
Yes, I have.
Leave me alone.
There you are.
Now you've got to cough now.
Come on, you'd better have some of this creosote.
Creosote wipes out coughs.
It wipes out dry rot and all.
I don't want to take nothing back, mate.
I'm telling you.
Look, I get poison out from the cab fumes without having to take that.
And good look at the time.
I'll be late, Mum.
I'll have to borrow your bike, Olive.
Here, wait a minute.
Here's your lunch.
All right.
Here's your sandwiches.
Here's your bangers.
Here you are.
That's it.
And there's your tea.
Oh, don't do that.
It leaks.
That's it.
It's all right, Mum.
I've got to go now.
Here, wait.
Here's your tea.
Oh.
Oh, better not drink that.
Only on the number 11 route, I've got nowhere to stop.
There's a stop in the middle of the high street.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, if I drink too much liquid, it goes right to
Oh, never mind.
Come on.
You've decided to come, then, have you?
Here comes our new clippy.
Oh, why don't you right side, son?
Why don't you belt that, mate?
Here, come on.
Hurry up and sign in.
We're due out in a minute.
Yeah, all right, then.
Oh, there we are.
Hello, mate.
How are you?
All right, mate.
These new schedules are murder, aren't they?
Oh, murder.
I don't know what they've got in Waterloo for.
Yeah, watch out.
Here comes the Gestapo.
You're not frightened of him, are you?
I'm surprised at you, Jack.
Me, I'd
Oh.
All right.
Get in the bus.
I'm just getting in there, Inspector.
Don't go and put all that stuff in the cab like that.
It could cause a nasty accident.
Put it under the steer, Jack.
Oh, come on.
Give us here.
Come on.
Watch it, watch it.
You're spilling me sausages.
I suppose you have studied the new schedule, have you?
You know the new stops and timing and stages and turnarounds and change points
and all that?
Credit me with a better sense, will you, to mug it up?
I know the route.
Drive away.
Hey, Jack.
What?
Where are we going?
Number 11, Cemetery Gates via High Street.
Hey.
All right, mate?
Really honest with you, been there, eh?
What do you mean?
You were due back at 11.33. You're 17 minutes late.
Yeah.
I reckon it's very good.
The way I worked it out, I'd be 25 minutes late.
These new schedules are murder.
Here's your lunch.
Thanks, Jack.
You know you're due out at 11.59, don't you?
Hear that?
11.59. And the flipping canteen don't open till 12 o'clock.
Where am I supposed to eat my grub, eh?
Where am I supposed to sit?
You can use the bench provided, can't you?
Charming, eh?
Look, Jack, I've just come out of a warm cab.
I'm not eating my grub in this draughty shed.
Well, get back in the cab, then.
Why didn't I think of that?
Good idea, Jack.
Thanks.
Thanks, mate.
Ciao.
See, they've each gone off to cab now.
They are.
Ciao, mate.
Can't understand him.
What's the matter?
Stubbing on him?
I can't get my sausages out, mate.
What you doing?
Trying to suck them out.
Now I've got it.
Right.
It's freezing cold in this cab.
Well, turn the engine on and warm the cab up.
Yeah, why didn't I think of that?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Can't you tell the time now, then?
All's OK.
Why?
What's it say?
11.52. Why?
You're not due out until 11.59. I'm not going out till 11.59. Well, will you
switch the engine on for me, then?
Well, it's cold in here.
Warm the cab up.
Switch that off at once.
What do you think he's doing?
Wasting the company's drill right?
Switch it off.
He's having his lunch in comfort.
Lunch?
That's a cab for driving you, not for eating in.
Get out of there while you're awake.
What do you think you're on, mate?
That's a bus, not a mobile canteen.
Get back in there, Stan.
If the management won't open the canteen till 12 o'clock, you can stay there.
You get down out there at once.
I could report you.
It could be two weeks suspension for you.
That's nice, isn't it?
Intimidation.
Yeah.
That's lovely.
Take my notice, Stan.
He can't intimidate you.
Oh, yes, he can.
Get down.
Get back in.
Get down.
Get in.
You get down.
Get in.
You get in.
It's a matter of principle.
I'd better phone our union office.
Now, Jack, don't bring the union into this.
No, you're right, they'll never help.
Right, we've got to settle this ourselves.
Are you going to get out of there or aren't you?
Don't you dare get out.
I'll go and see the general manager then, won't I?
All right.
LAUGHTER Hey, that's it, him.
Legs are between his legs, eh, Jack?
Yeah.
Come on, then, get out.
Hey.
Get out.
What are you talking about?
Come on, what do you think you're doing?
Get out.
You just told me to get back in.
That was when the inspector told you to get out, but now I'm telling you to get
out, and I'm the shop steward, and I'm convening a meeting, so get out.
What about my lunch?
What's the point of having new schedules if we're having to suffer?
Brother Stan here has been threatened by an inspector.
He has been intimidated for eating his lunch in his cab because the management
wouldn't open the canteen till 12 o'clock.
I put it to you brothers, no canteen, no buses.
Right, let's take a vote on it.
Signify in the usual manner all those in favour.
We are unanimous, aren't we?
Thank you.
Right, motion carried.
We are withdrawing our labour forthwith.
Here, can I have my lunch now?
Right, Mum.
Hello, Stan.
What are you doing back so early?
What's happened?
Nothing, I'm on strike.
On strike?
Yeah.
Oh, so that's why there was no buses.
Oh, really, I do think you might have told us.
Me and Olive, we were walking two miles in the pouring rain.
We couldn't tell you it happened so quickly.
It's what's called a lightning strike.
No, Stan.
Stan, don't tell me you couldn't get the men to hold up the strike for your
mum.
They wouldn't hold it up for Frank Cousin's mum.
Huh?
Well, the dockers do.
That one in 18.
You know number 18?
His mum, she always gets her meet-in before the strike.
And last year, a Christmas nuts also.
My hair's ruined!
Dear.
Now, Stan, do you hear that cough?
I can hear it.
Sounds a lot better to me.
You'll feel much better after I have a cup of tea.
Now, look, Stan, I bought some of those lovely fairy cakes.
Get them out, will you?
Just a minute, roughly.
Are they all right?
They're not wet, eh?
Wet?
I don't know.
I haven't had a look in the bag yet.
Well, I'd say they're a little bit damp.
Here.
Your paper bag's had it, hasn't it?
Wait a minute.
Hang on.
Oh.
Careful of the bulb.
I don't know about that.
But look at mine.
That's not bad, is it?
Oh, I can't eat that.
Well, it's no different than when you dip it in your tea.
Don't talk like that.
Well, let's face it, Mum, that's how it ends up in your stomach, isn't it?
Oh!
Hey, come here.
Oh, is that the front door?
Is that you, Arthur?
Yes, of course it's me.
Arthur, there's a bus strike.
Have you heard?
Yes, I have heard.
You busmen ought to be shot striking on a wet day like this.
Well, it's the best time to strike, isn't it?
Rainy days and Christmases.
The railway's taught us that.
I'm soaked through to the skin.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
It gets me.
You are in a state, aren't you?
All the sopping.
Oh, no.
Never mind, dear.
How did you get so wet?
Standing at a bus stop for an hour, waiting for a bus.
Well, that was daft, wasn't it?
Well, how was I to know you were on strike?
Well, standing at a bus stop for an hour, nothing comes along.
Blimey, you must have thought something had gone wrong.
Well, you lot running buses, we thought it was normal service.
Now, listen here, mate.
Are you busmen or are you layabouts?
Yeah.
I'd like to meet the bloke who started it.
Would you?
Well, as a matter of fact, mate
Because when I do, I'll knock his block off.
Who was it?
Yeah, well
When I find out, I'll let you know.
Your union had no right bringing you out on strike.
They didn't.
We did it ourselves.
Oh, so it's unofficial.
I suppose you know you'll get no strike pay.
Stan, is that right?
No wages?
Won't there be no money coming in?
That's right.
It could be out for months, not a single penny.
Olive, have you heard that?
Oh, Mum, don't worry.
Look here, Stan, what are we going to do for money?
We've got nothing behind us.
I've just paid all the rates, and there's the phone due and the HP.
Well, you'll have to tell the man you want to go back.
Don't waste your breath, Mum.
Now, run, he'll tell you to go back before he does.
It wouldn't hurt you to pay a few instalments on it for a change.
And on the fridge, I paid that for the last two years.
Oh, we can't let them take the fridge back, can we?
Oh, let them take it back.
We won't have nothing to put in it.
If we could all starve to death as far as he cares.
Well, we'll just have to live on our office money, won't we?
Then we will starve.
No, it just means I shall have to start watching every penny.
Start?
Blimey, you never stop.
Well, at least he's going to work tomorrow.
Yeah, more than you, sitting around doing nothing.
I won't be sitting around doing nothing, mate.
I'll be lying in bed.
Lying in bed?
All day long?
No, only till the pub's open.
It's great being on strike.
No wonder it's catching on.
Hang on, I'll get it off.
Hello?
No, it's me, Stan.
Oh, hello, Jack.
Strike committee.
Big deal.
Yeah?
Oh, God, no.
When?
What time?
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Tell her.
What's up, Stan?
They want me on picket duty.
Oh, well, it's only right, isn't it?
Yeah, but I've got to be there at half-past five in the morning.
That means I'll have to be up by half-past four.
Hardly worth going to bed, is it?
Olive, I'll have to use your bike.
Oh, no, you won't.
I shall need a bike to get to work myself, shall I?
How am I going to get on picket duty?
Hop on a bus.
Here, Jack, I'm fed up with this.
We've been standing here for five hours and nobody's even tried to get in.
They've not even tried to start up a bus.
Oh, you never know what the management will get up to.
Got to show them we're solid.
I'm not, all right.
I can't even straighten me fingers.
Here, when are we going to knock off for lunch?
Knock off for lunch?
Look, we do an eight-hour shift, non-stop.
Wait up, Stan, here comes your mother.
Look, we don't want no interference from the women.
She's probably passing.
She'll be all right.
Stan, I had to come and see you were all right.
I brought you a few things.
I'd go home if I were you, Mum, it's half cold here.
I know, that's why I brought you an extra pair of warm socks and a hot water
bottle.
Stan, your mother is making us look ridiculous.
Yeah, she won't be long.
Here you are, some nice hot tea and some warm buns.
Some warm buns, lovely.
Oh, that's very nice, yeah.
Don't eat those, Jack, you'll make yourself look ridiculous.
Here's some cherry lentils in case the cold goes down to your chest.
I'll put them in my pocket.
Look, there's some blokes coming across the street with a camera.
I know what I want.
Oh, we are from the TV news.
We'd like a few shots for tonight's programme, OK?
Oh, yes, that'll be all right, yeah.
We need publicity, that's OK, isn't it?
Yeah, I reckon it's all right, yeah.
Yeah, I think you look a bit pale.
Don't you think you ought to have some make-up on?
Shut up, Mum.
Well, they all do, the Queen and Mr Wilson.
Well, he probably borrows Barbara Carson's powder puff.
Well, I think you'll be all right.
Look, wait a minute, I've got a bit of lipstick here.
That'll help anyway, come on.
Mum!
Turn it and you'll make me look a fool.
Hey, listen.
They've started up one of the buses.
They're going to take it through the back gate.
Here, quick, we've got to stop them.
Here, hold that, Mum.
I don't want that, take it.
Here, Stan, wait for me, Stan.
Oh, look at that.
It's the inspectors.
They're bringing the bus out.
Ruddy stripe breakers.
Scab!
Scab!
Blackleg labour!
Here, we'll have to stop it.
How are we going to do that, Jack?
Lie down.
Yeah, lie down in front of the bus.
Who, him?
No, you.
Me?
Just a minute, Jack.
Hang on, I just thought of something.
Why don't you lie down there?
No, no, I'm the committee leader.
I've got to negotiate with them.
Come on, lie down.
Quick, lie down before he gets by.
I'd rather lie down after it's gone by.
Besides, he might not stop.
We'll get him for manslaughter.
I'd love to see those inspectors inside.
So would I, but he might not know how to drive that thing.
Besides, I know that bus, the dodgy grey jet.
Quick, lie down.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, my God!
Stan, what are you doing down there?
You'll ruin your suit.
You leave him alone.
It's been raining.
Oh, come on, come on.
Don't you kick my son.
He ain't done you no harm, have he?
All right, all right.
Stay there all night if you like.
I say, just a minute.
Let's have a shot.
How do you want me?
What's that red stain on your coat?
What stain?
It's blood, Mum.
It's blood.
Are you sure?
It's just what we wanted.
We'll have a ball out now.
Blood?
You've been injured.
Don't get up.
Stay there.
Are you all right, love?
Are you all right?
I don't know, Mum.
One minute.
Don't panic.
It's that rotten cherry syrup you gave me this morning.
Oh, Stan.
Focus on the blood.
Don't panic, mate.
What is it?
Oh, yes.
Blood.
Are you all right, Mum?
Time's very unsettled.
And now the original news.
Hurry up, Mum.
I'm on.
I'm coming.
I've got a chair here.
Sit down.
I bet they won't even bother to show it.
No?
What's that then?
What's that?
Look, Mum, that's me.
Well, all you can see is your backside.
Well, it's very nice.
As the unofficial Luxton and District bus strike moved into its second day,
there was drama at the bus depot when driver Stan Butler threw himself in front
of the bus to prevent it being taken out and was slightly injured.
What a ruddy fraud.
Hey, is that me?
Yes, love.
Something's gone wrong.
My face looks all fat.
That's because your face is all fat.
Ah, shut up.
If something's wrong with the set, that's what it is.
That makes you look a lot better.
Shut up.
Look, I smile.
Oh, yes, you're smiling.
Oh, yes, a lovely smile, that is.
You shouldn't have bothered.
Stan Butler, if he thought his courageous action was justified.
For a better end.
You know what, that's about it.
Here.
Who's that stupid woman?
It's you.
Oh, yes, so it is, yes.
Well, all right, Burke, you made her yourself.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I think it was very nice.
It's a pity your teeth are so crooked, though, love.
Didn't notice much, did it, love?
Well, I don't know.
Do you think it would be too late to wear a brace?
Well, you and your pals will have to give in now.
The management certainly won't after that little lot.
Well, at least I've been on telly.
So have the Munsters.
Oh, here, the buses are coming on.
Look, the buses, look.
There we are.
And here is a newsflash.
We have just heard that after a long meeting and in view of the injury
sustained by driver Stan Butler, the hero of the day, the management have
agreed to the busman's demands in order to avoid further bloodshed.
Why, love?
Oh, Stan, you've won, you've won, and all because of you, they give in.
Yeah.
So I'm a Berk, am I?
Well, I'll tell you what, Arthur, I reckon from now on I can tackle anything.
Well, you can start right away.
What do you mean, Mum?
Tackle the washing up.
Well, it didn't matter, fellas.
We won, didn't we?
We taught the management a thing or two.
Now we know how to get what we want, don't we?
Come on, Stan, come on, Jack.
You're due out in two minutes, get in the bus.
Hold your hair on, hold your hair on.
We're the bosses now, you know.
Oh, yes?
Well, in that case, you'd better send out for your smoked salmon and caviar for
your lunches then, had you?
What do you mean?
Take a look.
Blimey, the canteen have gone on strike now.
That's a dead liberty, that is.
Never mind, Jack, we can't do anything about it.
Oh, can't we?
What do you mean?
Not one bus leaves this depot until we get our grub.
Well, how are we going to do that then?
Lie down in front of the bus.
That's it, lie down in front of the bus.
Wait a minute, no!