Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Ma, train's coming.
Yeah, I heard it.
Swimming in the water tower again, weren't you?
Yes.
Some day that train's gonna sneak in,
drain out all the water before you can get out,
and leave you high dry and bare.
Gee, Mom, it's hot.
Where else can we swim?
Don't worry about that, girls.
I got plans for a big swimming pool.
We're gonna put it right out here in front.
A swimming pool?
Olympic-sized, Kate.
Then in the wintertime, we'll turn it into a skating rink.
It'll give the hotel class.
Uncle Joe, with business as slow as it is,
we're losing money now.
I know we are, but with a swimming pool and a skating rink,
we can raise the rates.
Going to Hooterville, Kate?
Give you a free ride.
Oh, yeah, Charley, be right there.
What's the matter, you hear something?
The Cannonball's a-wheezin' this morning.
Everything all right, Charley?
Yeah, she's just getting a little old, like the rest of us.
I wonder what kind of engines they're running
on the main line now.
I wouldn't know, Floyd.
It must be 20 years since we've seen the main line.
Yeah. You reckon they'll ever put that trestle back up
so we can get there?
No. Floyd, if you ask me, the folks have forgotten
all about us back at the C. & F.W.
Gentlemen, this supercharged diesel locomotive
is now standard equipment on the entire C. & F.W. system.
Five short years ago,
you brought me out here from the East
to do a job for you.
Well, gentleman, I think you'll agree that today
we have the most modern, the most progressive
the most
What is that?
Looks like a branch line.
Branch line to where? For what?
That doesn't even connect to the main line.
I'll check into it.
Well, fast.
You charter a plane to this town of Hooterville
and ride that branch to the end of the line.
I want a complete report.
Right away.
Yes, well Well, uh, gentlemen,
Mr. Bedloe here is flying out to Hooterville
to look into a branch line.
Morning, Floyd.
Hi, Charley. Good morning.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Well, it's all right.
We're in no hurry.
Kate, should I put on my conductor suit
or is it just home folks getting on?
Just home folks, Floyd.
Well, in that case Board!
Drop us off at Drucker's store, will you, Charley?
Fine.
Come on, girls.
Hey, Charley, I'd go along, too,
but I'm afraid with one more passenger
the old Hooterville meatball couldn't make the grade.
That's Cannonball.
Come on, Charley.
Kate's in a hurry to get to Hooterville.
She is?
Well, in that case, I better go tell her
to get off this thing and start walking.
Don't pay any attention to him, Charley.
Bye, Kate.
Bye, girls! Bye, Kate!
Have a good time in Hooterville!
Hey, it didn't stop!
They overshot the station.
No, they didn't.
They'll stop down at the general store.
General store? But the station's up here.
Yeah, but they're letting Kate and her girls off
to do their shopping.
Who in the blue blazes is Kate?
Runs the hotel between here and Pixley.
You must be from a long ways off
you ain't never heard of Kate Bradley and her girls.
Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
Hello, Herbie.
Hi, Herbie. Hello, Herbie.
Hi, Herbie.
Hi, Billie.
Herbie, we don't want
to keep the train waiting too long.
Yes, Mrs. Bradley. I've already got some
of your regular order ready in the back.
We figured you'd be in today.
Come on, girls. Let's get busy.
Are they just gonna park there and wait
while that woman does her shopping?
They usually do.
The boys are real fond of Kate.
Well, what do the boys think they're operating,
a train or a taxi?
Well, a little of both, I reckon.
When I get through, won't be either one.
I'll melt that thing down for paperweights.
Oh, Floyd and Charley must be tired of waiting.
Let's get the rest of the supplies
out to the platform.
I'll go see if Billie needs any help.
Mom, oh, can we get some new swimming suits?
No, we cannot.
Summer's over; Put 'em back.
Okay.
I'll help you, Billie.
Come on, girls.
Aboard!
Get a move on, girls. Train's waiting.
Sorry, Kate, but them traveling salesmen we picked up
are anxious to get to Pixley.
Yeah, sure sorry to rush you, Kate.
Worked out fine, Charley. Got all our shopping done.
Good.
All right, let's get the baggage aboard.
Don't bother about it, ladies.
Ol' Floyd and I will put it on there for you.
Oh, they can help a little.
Here.
When they get their supplies loaded,
are they gonna back up that train for me?
Wouldn't count on it.
They don't even know you're here.
Well, then by thunder, you're gonna hightail it
down that track and tell 'em.
I wouldn't count on that either.
What's your name?
Sam Drucker. What's yours?
Homer Bedloe. And you're fired.
Now there's another thing I wouldn't count on.
Mr. Drucker, I happen to run this railroad,
and you're no longer working for it!
Never did.
I happen to run the general store.
What the devil are you doing here?!
Why aren't you down at your store?
Well, I'll tell you
You see, Kate ain't got the money
to pay for all them supplies she just bought.
And it's a heap less embarrassing for her
if I ain't there.
Well, if this isn't the nuttiest Heave!
Looks like that'll do it, Floyd.
Well, best we get rolling now.
Betty Jo, would you like to take the throttle?
Can I, Mom?
You always do going home.
Get me up a good head of steam, Charley.
I have to highball it
to make the hotel in time for supper.
Right.
Take it easy on Deadman's Curve.
Come on, Billie Jo.
In a minute, Mama.
Bobbie Jo?
I'm here, Ma.
Oh.
All aboard!
Hey, he yelled "All aboard."
Yeah, if you want to catch your train,
you'd better start shanking it down your track.
I'll melt the whole works down for paperweights.
Halt! Wait a minute!
Stop the train!
Hey, wait!
Hey, come here!
Hold the train!
Wait a minute!
You got a lot to learn about trains, mister.
The Hooterville Cannonball waits for nobody.
That's what I'll melt it down for cannonballs!
Where's your sister?
Oh, you mean Billie?
Now who else would I mean?
Well, I think she's back there, Mom.
Back there, all right.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I want to talk to my daughter
about the menu for my hotel.
Train gets there just about suppertime.
She and her sisters wait table in the dining room.
Sisters? You got more like her?
Oh three in all.
Uh, Billie Joe, I think this evening we'll have
fried chicken, mashed potatoes with cream gravy,
corn on the cob with fresh-churned butter,
hot biscuits and jam,
fresh apple pie with homemade ice cream and, um
Let's see. What else?
Does the train stop long enough
for us to eat at your hotel?
Oh, I think it can be arranged.
But the safe thing to do is plan to spend the night.
You'll never get up to a better breakfast
than at the Shady Rest.
Come on, Billie Jo.
Excuse me.
What kind of a railroad signal's that?
Deadman's Curve.
You better grab hold of something and
Whoever's highballing that locomotive up there
is either drunk or crazy.
I'll thank you not to talk like that
about my little girl.
Your little girl's running this locomotive?!
She always does on the way back from town.
She and Charley are just like this.
Who's Charley?
The engineer.
Look, uh scoot over.
It's hard to talk across the aisle.
You one of those reporters?
In a way, yes.
Well, Charley Pratt's the best engineer
that ever popped a head of steam.
And he's letting your child drive this locomotive?
Been driving it since she was knee-high to a cowcatcher.
How come she's spouting so much black smoke?
Floyd's been burning railroad ties again.
Oh.
Charley, take a look.
All the pressure I can get's 135.
Well, that'll hold you.
Don't push her too hard.
You know what I think?
The Cannonball needs a boiler wash.
Yeah, I reckon she's got some mud in her belly, all right.
Let's wash her out when we get to the hotel.
And I can clean the grates and ash pad at the same time.
Betty Jo, you're getting to an age
of where the boys have got their eye on you,
and it just ain't the most romantic thing in the world
for the love of your life
to come crawling out of a locomotive boiler.
As far as I'm concerned, Billie Jo can have the boys.
I'm in love with the Hooterville Cannonball.
Well, that's fine for now, hon,
but one of these days, you're gonna want
to be huggin' something that can hug you back.
Uh, Betty Jo, you change places with your sister.
Mama, I like riding backwards.
I know what you like.
Now, do as I say.
Bobby Jo, take Betty's seat.
Only one thing on her mind boys.
Oh, Bobby, don't you ever get tired
of just reading about love?
Don't you ever want to do something about it?
Sure.
If I could meet a man like Robert Browning
Well, where we live, we don't get much chance.
Unless he's a traveling salesman.
Gee, I wish we lived in the city.
Love can happen anyplace, Billy.
Who knows? A Prince Charming
could come walking right through that door.
That's quite a load of supplies you put on, Kate.
Uh, yeah, Floyd how much you going to charge me
for freighting all that up to my hotel?
I reckon that's going to cost you two chicken dinners.
Why, that's robbery.
But I guess I'll have to pay it.
Isn't Floyd a card?
He sure is.
What's his last name?
Smoot. Floyd Smoot.
He and Charley been on this line for years.
They say they'll never stop running this old train.
Well, I wouldn't bet on that.
All right, folks, get your fares ready.
Oh, uh, how much for me
and my three daughters, Mr. Conductor?
Well, let's see.
All over 12?
Mmm Yeah.
Including me.
Reckon that's gonna cost you two fresh-baked apple pies.
What prices!
Railroad's got to make a profit.
Say, if you want fresh apple pie,
you'd better get up to the locomotive
and tell Betty Jo to stop the
train at Ben Miller's orchard.
Right you are, Kate.
Did I hear right?
You're going to stop this train to pick apples?
Well, I kind of think we have to.
The trees sit a quarter mile from the track.
This isn't a train, it's a rolling booby hatch.
Hi, there.
Mind if I have an apple?
Help yourself.
Excuse me.
This what you're after?
Oh. Yes, ma'am.
I've been just looking out the window there.
Boy, I sure love this country.
Everything's so green.
Not as green as you think.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I Thanks for the apple.
Put your feet down. Sit up like a lady.
Ah, almost there.
Almost where?
My hotel, the Shady Rest.
I don't see any hotel.
Sets up above the tracks on a little rise.
Folks, there'll be a two-to three-hour layover here
whilst we go up to Kate's hotel for supper.
What do you mean, two-or three-hour layover?
According to this timetable,
this train's not supposed to stop here at all.
Is that a fact?
Hey, Charley, come on in and take a look.
Feller in here's got a timetable.
We ain't seen one of these in 20 years.
Anybody want to help me and my daughters tote the supplies,
why just come right this way.
Now hold it! Hold it!
This train is supposed to go
to the end of the line Pixley.
As a matter of fact, we're due there already.
So am I.
So let's get rolling.
What seems to be the trouble here, Floyd?
Fella here wants to go on
to the end of the line right away.
Says it's a schedule.
Is that a fact?
What do you think we ought to do?
Well, I reckon the fair thing to do
is to put it to a vote.
A vote?!
Good idea.
All those in favor
of going up to Kate's cool, comfortable Shady Rest Hotel
for some delicious fried chicken and apple pie,
served by her three beautiful daughters,
hold up your right hand. Right here.
Sure! Appears to me, you're outvoted.
Right through there to the kitchen.
Charley, Floyd, show them the way.
I appreciate this very much.
Just set it down in the kitchen anywhere.
Oh, me.
Uncle Joe found his Indian.
Hide it again, girls.
Hey, this is quite a place.
You even got an elevator, eh?
Oh, it doesn't run.
Uncle Joe bought it.
He said it gives the hotel class.
Oh, yeah?
Honey, I'm gonna tell you what gives this hotel some class.
Step back!
Going up! Going up!
It's Uncle Joe's mynah bird.
We use this for a cage.
Well now then.
Going up! Second floor!
On the way, my daughter gets off in the kitchen.
Charley, Floyd,
show the gentlemen where to wash up for supper.
Sure, I'll show you fellers.
Hey!
Heh?
This place got a telephone?
You betcha it has.
It's the only telephone between Hooterville and Pixley.
I was the one that got it
and put it in Never mind that. Where is it?
Oh.
Say, mister, I'd like to tell you a story
about that telephone.
I was out Just tell me where it is!
Well, you go through that door,
it's on your wall to the right.
Hello, operator.
Operator, operator!
What you trying to do, mister?
What's it look like I'm trying to do?
I'm trying to get the operator.
You ain't gonna get her on that phone.
Why not? Ain't connected.
What do you mean? Ain't no
telephone wires to connect it to.
What's it doing here then?
It gives the hotel class.
That's the only telephone between Hooterville and Pixley.
Why didn't you tell me that outside?
Well, I did start, and you cut me off.
Never mind now.
Where can I wash my hands?
Ooh, uh second floor.
Going up. All aboard.
Oh. Good.
Step back.
Step back in the car.
What you doing in there, mister?
I'm going up to the second floor.
Not on that elevator you ain't.
What do you mean? Ain't connected.
Oh, my aching ulcer.
Going up.
Going up.
She's a mynah bird.
The only mynah bird between Hooterville and Pixley.
Answer me a question:
What have you got an elevator for that doesn't run?
Oh, gives the hotel class.
That's the only elevator Oh, shut up!
Don't worry about the washroom.
It's connected.
Hey somebody hid my Indian again.
Whoo-hoo!
Kate, that was the best meal
that ever stoked a man's boiler.
Really delicious.
Always did say if this hotel was in town,
Kate'd be turning the people away.
Who built it way out here in the middle of nowhere?
Her muley grandpa, that's who.
Stubbornest man that ever lived,
wasn't he, Kate?
Well, the way it happened
he was planning to build down the track at Pixley.
But the flatcars that were hauling his lumber
tipped over when they hit the curve out in front.
So grandpa just went ahead and built the hotel right here.
Well, let's all go in and do some singing.
Singing?!
We're four hours late for Pixley now.
We always sing after supper, Mr. Bedloe.
Nothing better for settling your food.
I'm going to go to Pixley
and you're going to take me now!
I don't think these folks want to leave yet.
It wouldn't pay to make the run with just one passenger.
No, they say the railroad's losing money now.
How could that be?
Well, the answer's simple.
Those folks up at the main office,
they just don't know anything about running a railroad.
That's a fact.
Now let's all go in and do some singing.
Now you just hear this!
For your information,
I'm one of the fellas at the main office.
As a matter of fact,
I'm one of the main fellas at the main office.
And I got news for you:
The train from Pixley to Hooterville
is no longer in operation.
It's scrapped. Junked.
And everybody connected with it is discharged.
Fired!
Now go in and sing on that.
If you scrap the train, it'll ruin this hotel.
That's your problem.
Why, you no good
Now, Uncle Joe, angry words never settled any problem.
Let's just let's just all go in
and decide what we're gonna do.
Those in favor, raise your hands.
Well?
Have you decided what you're going to do?
Yes, we have, Mr. Bedloe.
We put it to a vote
Again with that vote?!
That's the democratic way, ain't it?
Well? What'd you vote?
Everybody voted to spend the night here
and settle the problem with the train tomorrow.
Can't you get it through your heads
that that train hasn't got any tomorrow?
It's through. Finished.
Now I'm going to Pixley.
How? You fired Floyd and Charley.
Listen, if your little daughter can run that train,
I can run it.
What's the matter? Why won't you run?
Maybe you haven't got enough pressure.
Try the whistle.
Mr. Bedloe,
you've been working now for three hours.
Why don't you come on up,
take a nice hot bath and go to bed?
No! This is my train and I say it'll run.
Oh!
Oh!
My hand's full of splinters from that stupid wood,
and I smashed my finger on that stupid firebox door.
Now I've busted my stupid foot.
You know what I think? What?
I think I ought to go back to the hotel,
have a hot bath and go to bed.
And we'll settle the problem of the train tomorrow.
That's a good idea.
Tomorrow. Help him down, boys.
Oh!
How do you two fellas run this crazy thing?
I've been railroading for 32 years,
but I couldn't get a pound of pressure.
Don't you worry, old girl.
We've been through a lot together
and we'll get through this, too.
This has been a Filmways presentation.