Piglets (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

SIRENS BLARE
Oh, my shitting shit.
Keep your nuts on, bruv.
We ain't gonna make it, Dad.
No, we're all right, son.
We've got this. Three minutes.
Oi, oi. CAR HORN HONKS
Good luck, Pauly.
Make us proud, mate.
RINGING
Timetables, maps,
uniform coupons.
Keep them safe. Thank you.
If you mess this up on day one,
you're gonna have to sort
it out with them. Oh, no!
There's no-one else,
is there? It's just me.
Oh, don't worry,
though. I'll manage.
Or will I? Pretend you care.
I never tire of this bit.
The newbies lusting for
knowledge, like newborn lambs
searching greedily for
their mother's teats,
and we are those teats.
Low-hanging and full
of milky goodness.
You're the real teat here, Bob.
Thank you, Julie. Appreciate that.
Hi, miss. New trainee.
What about you? Are
you? What do you do?
I'm a new trainee.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
You just seem
really What? Old?
No, no. God, no. You just
have a very obvious, er
Bosom? Sense of
authority vibe.
I was a dinner lady
till last month, so
Oh, well, there you go, then.
That's That's why. Yeah.
Wait there.
Hi. Afia. No, I'm Leggo.
Lego? Like the bricks?
Well, I do have lots
of little knobbly bits.
OK, on you go.
This is so exciting. This
is my worst nightmare.
Meeting me? All
this. Nightmare.
Are you having second thoughts?
Never had first
thoughts, to be honest.
It's the family business.
Forced into the force.
It's criminal.
Are you OK, mate? Yeah.
A bit sweaty. I love
the police, though.
Police officer. What
do those words mean?
Oh, he's pretty thick, in't he?
Very soon, you will
discover the reality.
Power. Ultimate power.
I'll warn you all now -
you don't want to get
on the wrong side of me
cos I'm partially
deaf in one ear.
Ha! It wasn't a
joke, young man.
So, welcome to Norbourne College,
and thank you to Superintendent Spry
and Superintendent
Weekes Please.
who will be your parents for
the next four and a half months.
Wait, do we have to
go and live with them?
No. Are you sure you're
OK? You're in good hands.
Yeah, mate, I'm fine. I'm just
just really, really excited.
Work hard, stick to the
rules, and above all,
don't come to my attention
until passing out day.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh! Man down.
Hi, I was wondering
Does it involve any form of
rearranging, rescheduling,
re-routing, decamping
or unpicking?
Erm, yes.
Then the answer's no. It
might be quite simple.
Nothing is simple. Nothing.
Do you understand that?
Yes. Good.
I think this might be, though.
You just said you understood!
Physical training at 10:30. I
just want B group rather than C.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Sorry, what's your name?
Steph. Short for Stephita?
No, Stephanie.
Stephanie Jackson.
Right, and tell me,
Stephanie Jackson,
who should currently be in Area 14,
what if the other class is full?
Well, can't you just
swap me with someone?
Do you have any idea
what it would involve?
It's a simple request.
Nothing is simple.
OK. Are you gonna
swap me or not?
Yeah, if I have a spare
moment at some point.
There. I've done it.
You're now in B group, and you're
very, very, very, very lucky.
You just You
pressed one button.
SHE GROWLS
Right. Morning!
It's lovely to see so many
new faces here, not too many.
Er, we haven't lowered
our standards or anything.
Come on, sit. Thank you.
Big day today for everyone.
You are each about to become a
cog in a powerful blue machine,
and I am the oil about
to be applied to you.
And my oil will lubricate
you into action,
just as I myself was
lubri-oiled OK, intro over.
Let's crack on, shall
we? Yes, on we go.
Let us start with a
little word association.
Ah, now, then, this is
What is the first thing you think
of when I say the word police?
Go. Taser.
Muscles. Parents.
Filth y pillow pillowcase.
Duvet?
Penis. Same old responses.
A nice cheese and pickle
sandwich. Not you.
Sorry, Jolly Jilly
Julie Superintendent.
OK, one thing before, er,
you start your training -
and I've said this to all the
new groups, it is important.
Yes, I love this
bit. This bit is
In the forums of Ancient Rome,
when the senators were
called upon to give an oath,
they would do so whilst
holding their testicles.
This is where we derive
the word testify.
Now, one of this year's new intake
is here for the wrong reasons.
Rest assured, I will find
out who. I can smell it.
So, what I want you to
do is close your eyes
and think about your
reasons for being here.
Are they genuine?
And you will do this while
holding your testicles.
Sorry, ma'am, but what do
we do? Clutch your mounds.
Right, on your feet. Up, up.
Eyes closed!
Testicles!
Your true reasons.
HE GRUNTS
Open your eyes. Look down.
One of you will find you are
not touching yourselves at all.
I will find that person
by the end of the day
when he or she will be
ejected from the process.
Out, as if they never existed.
OK, at ease.
Bob, do you need a poo?
Er, yes, I do, yeah.
What does she mean
by the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Sorry, why
are you looking at me?
She was looking at me. It's
understandable, to be fair.
I ain't done nothing,
so don't look at me.
I wasn't looking at anyone.
She's just trying to turn all
you lot against each other.
On the first day? Oh, sure.
Listen, my parents
are cops, yeah?
They did this to me and
my sister all the time.
And she's in prison
for murder. What?
No, she isn't! No, I
don't even have a sister!
HE CHUCKLES Or do I?
Are you OK?
No, honestly, arrogant
women in uniform
just really do it
for me sexually.
Ugh! Might be a bit
hyper for a while.
If and when we have to get rid
of one of them, can I say
ALAN SUGAR IMPRESSION:
"You're fired"?
No. What about, er
SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Your reasons
for being here dinnae stack up",
"and for that reason, I'm out."
Duncan Bannatyne hasn't been
on Dragon's Den for years.
I only watch the old ones. You
know, it's not so many ladies.
Er, no offence.
OK, you muppets!
I am not your normal
kind of trainer.
Are you a hologram?
What's your name, son?
Leggo. I'll let you go when you
tell me your name, sunshine.
Ryan Legland, sir. All
right, Ryan Legland, sir.
Let's start off easy, shall we?
I want you to come and have a go
if you think you're hard enough.
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
Are you hard?
Bit personal. Take me
down. Whatever you got.
Come on, captain mouth, have
a go. You smell of sausage.
Physically. Come
on, pussy pants. OK.
Huh! ALL: Ooh!
Wow.
You see, a true ninja can retract
his bollocks into his body
at the first sign of danger.
Is that true? No, twatty.
I'm wearing a cup.
I'm not an idiot.
Right, come on. Let's
have you in a line.
You're not a herd
of bloody puppies.
A pack of puppies,
surely. Maybe a litter.
Er, I didn't come here to
argue about adjectives, love.
Collective nouns.
CHILDISHLY: Collective nouns.
That's a bit childish.
Coming from the girl
who cares about puppies.
I don't care about
puppies. GASPING
No, I obviously do. I
do care about puppies.
All right, so suck it up!
Basically, I'm a little
bit of a maverick.
I'm a real-world street
cop, and maybe, once,
I might've been accused of
going a little bit too far.
HE CHUCKLES But you
know the old saying -
"Them what can do it, do do it.
And them what can't do it"
HE SIGHS "W-Well,
they do not do it."
Oh, so, you're teaching cos
you realised you can't do it?
Oh, I can do it. I can
do it in spades, love.
They're just making me
take a little break.
What did you do?
Yeah, what did you do?
HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
I didn't do
OK! Anyone, name me a danger
that we might find on
a city street at night.
Dog shit.
I want justice!
That's the tag line.
One day, they'll base
a major TV series
on my life in the force.
One Muslim girl rises
from her humble beginnings
and claws her way up.
With all the sexism
and racisity.
Racisity? Yeah, racisity.
Don't deny it, Geeta.
It's an actual thing.
OK, OK, OK! Yo, B group!
Yeah, easy work! Nice.
Now, I'm Sergeant Michael
Gunn, aka Mikey Gunns, yeah?
And it's getting to know you time.
Now, I prefer first names in here.
Don't care what
happens elsewhere.
So, I'm gonna
throw you the ball,
you're gonna catch it,
you're gonna say your name,
you're gonna throw it right
back, yeah? All right.
Geeta. Lovely.
Paul. Good.
Leggo. Nice.
Stephanie.
You, er, dropped the ball, mate.
Yes, Mike, you dropped the ball.
Steph, this is mad. Come
on. "Come on", what?
You, the police, really?
You don't want this.
That's funny, you always said it
was the best job in the world.
Yeah, it is, for
me, because I'm me.
But let's be honest,
you can't hack this.
Wow, OK, give me one reason
why I can't hack this.
Oh, just one reason? Yeah,
just one reason, let's hear it.
OK, well, you're quite
flaky. That's so funny.
And you don't like
getting your hands dirty.
And you're an only child, and
therefore, pretty selfish.
And you're no good in a crisis.
And I'm not sure that courage
is one of your strongest points.
And you like to
avoid a conflict.
And I'd also say you're
quite mentally weak,
and physically.
And you snort in bed. So what?
Everyone snores sometimes.
No, snort. Like
a pig. HE SNORTS
Right, are you quite
finished? Big deal. Big whoop.
I am gonna be a police officer,
and a fucking good one,
and you just can't
handle it, Mike,
because you're gonna be
obsessed with me all over again.
As if. You are.
Because we both know, Mike,
that you have an erection
right here, right now.
That's unfair, cos you know
I always have one, yeah?
CLEARS THROA
Wrong reasons could be me, cos
I kind of got two jobs, right?
Like, I'm doing this,
but then I'm mainly
Devon Hanzel, actor.
Oh, right, you're an actor.
So, what have you been in?
I've been in the
acting profession.
Yeah, but, like, what
have you acted in?
I've acted in
auditions and castings,
you know, stuff
like that. Cool.
Mate, you know them's ladies'
pants? No, they're not.
They is. My mum wears them.
You know what pants your
mum wears? That's fucked up.
No, it's not. I do
the family washing.
They're, er They're
M&S, the Risque collection.
Which is a male
range. No, it's not.
Look, just worry about
your own pants, man.
This is so stressful,
innit? Yeah, pant wars?
Nah, this place.
Mustn't get thrown out.
Why not?
Oh, you know, just
reasons, mainly.
It wasn't my idea, though.
Well, that's something me and you
have got in common - bloody family.
Tell me about it.
Oh, yeah? Well, what's
your family done?
Well, they ain't done nothing
Sorry, why would you say that?
Easy, easy.
Clearly, Sergeant Stiffy
Killer has figured out
that I don't wanna be here, so
you've got nothing to worry about.
It's me. I'm out of
here, end of the day.
Erm, don't tell the girls
about the pants, all right?
I won't tell any girls. Ever.
I might. THEY CHUCKLE
All right, then.
Can anyone tell me
what we have here?
Oh, my God. Are those
drugs? HE LAUGHS
Someone's gonna be
in so much trouble.
These are - correct - street
drugs, to a value of, erm
well, not that much,
actually, but still
No, the issue is those
involved in the drugs trade
quite often try to outwit the
authorities vis-a-vis ourselves.
No, it's not It's
not a good thing.
No, no, no, no, I'm just excited
that I'm the authorities.
They try to achieve this
by constantly changing
the name of each product.
Which necessitates us
being very much on our toes
as regards nomenclature.
When do we start
talking like that?
Is it gradual, or is it
more sort of overnight?
STEPHANIE CLEARS HER THROA
Excu Excuse me, sir.
Please may I be excused?
Can it not wait?
OK, is that legal, to let a
woman just sit here menstruating?
Go. Go now. Thank you.
Right, so, here we
have, for example,
a 16th of an ounce
of cannabis resin.
These scumbags Criminals.
Yeah, these criminals,
will often refer to
this amount as a teenth.
Ah, really? A teenth?
All right, clever prick.
Street name for this amount?
I would say that that
would be an eighth.
No, actually, they've changed
it. It's now called a dibbler.
Dibbler?
This is cocaine,
aka classic rock.
CRASHING
Oh, shit. That's actually
an old term for hashish.
A little bit dated now.
Yeah, no, I was, er
Ah, nothing. Amphetamine
is, er, wurbler.
Methamphetamine - ninky-nonk.
LSD - fried bedstead.
Heroin - the one show.
Ketamine - boggle chunks.
And benzodiazepines, erm,
Hufflepuff's revenge.
Who told you all this? A drug
dealer. He's a lovely bloke.
Lovely. He's a bit giggly.
Giggly? Mm.
WHISPERING: Oh, I see.
Ah, right. Erm, feeling better?
Yes, much better. Thank you.
Good, let's hope
it's all stemmed.
Right. So, looks like
we're going to have to wait
for some new intel on
those street names.
No, look. Bubbles, Hop, Cristina,
Cat Valium, Oxblood, Moggies.
I mean, you know,
like, probably.
GIGGLING
You have just become a
lot more interesting to me
as a human being.
SHE SIGHS I'm not sure
I can eat. Too anxious.
If they throw me out,
I'll actually die.
You're OK, hundy p. If it
makes you feel any better,
I'll almost certainly be
out by the end of the day.
It's you. What's the reason?
Wait, no, no, don't tell me.
Let me use my Muslim
sense. That's not a thing.
You came here because you
got dumped by some dude
you found out is a trainer here.
Oh, my God. How did you do
that? Can you cast spells?
No, I looked you up on Facebook,
and you've liked 43 photos of
Magic Mike going back six months.
Plus, you were staring love
daggers at him in the gym.
Oh, and I recorded your
conversation earlier on on my phone.
Oh, my days. I'm gonna
be so sick at this job.
You shouldn't record
people's conversations.
You think Muslims cast spells.
No. I didn't actually say that.
Hindus cast spells,
don't they, Geeta?
I'm casting one right now.
Yeah, OK, OK, yes. I'm the
whitest person in the world.
I'm here because of
a man, I'm the worst.
You're here cos you're
a brilliant detective.
What can I say? It's
a public service.
So, what brings you here, Geeta?
I'm trying to spend less
time with my family.
Fair enough.
Oh! Number one -
I am not flaky.
I have just texted 30 people
that I went to uni with,
and they all said that I wasn't.
Well, I didn't
actually manage all 30
because I got distracted by this
really cheap ticket for the O2.
But anyway, in the end, I
got hold of seven of them,
and only three of them said
that I'm properly flaky.
So that's that myth
busted, buster.
Steph, mate, please. Number two
- afraid to get my hands dirty?
Well Oh, all right, stop.
Number three - here is £10
to buy yourself a
nice little pudding.
I don't think a selfish person
would do that, would they?
I guess not.
The proof is in the
pudding, you big twat-head.
Oh! What was that?
That was point four.
You are not looking at someone
who is afraid of conflict.
No, siree! Not in
the hair, Steph.
Good day.
My God.
Melanie, I need a
room swap, yeah?
Melanie doesn't do room
swaps in the corridor.
Please, I need to avoid someone,
and I would do it myself,
but you won't let any of us
have a password any more.
I won't, because your
mate changed the name
of all the conference
rooms to Melanie's Fanny.
Not really a mate.
Melanie's Red Fanny,
Melanie's South Fanny.
Ooh! Melanie's Big Fanny
on the fourth floor.
Come in, unless
you're a terrorist.
Ma'am, sir, can I check
something on a personal level?
Yes, that's why
we're here. Is it?
I thought we were here to
turn useless streaks of piss
into police officers using
brute force and shouting.
Is it something embarrassing?
Er, a bit, yeah.
Oh, well, come in.
Is it OK if a trainer realises
that he's had a, er, relationship
with a trainee who's just
shown up at his college?
I'm, er, asking for a friend.
Which college is he at?
This college, for fuck's sake.
Who did you pork? Geeta? Afia?
Maybe we're assuming
something we shouldn't.
Maybe it was someone
less expected.
I'm not sure I follow you
Oh, do you mean, was it a man?
Which is perfectly fine.
You know, it's, er
You may speak freely here.
In fact, I myself have had some
experience in that particular arena.
Have you?
Yes, I watched Brokeback Mountain
without knowing the twist.
Mm, don't think it was a twist.
I wasn't expecting it. It's
actually Stephanie Jackson.
Really? The graduate one?
Well, she's quite bright.
True. Wait, what?
Previous relationships are fine
as long as they remain previous.
BANGS TUNEFULLY
Come in, Legland! OK,
off you pop, Magic Mike.
Don't trip over
your cock. CHUCKLING
Good afternoon, ma'am. Hello.
Wasn't expecting you, Mr Bob.
This is a joint unofficial meeting.
Ah! You two having an affair?
Jesus. OK, well, I
won't say a word.
Although, you could
do better. Shut it.
She could do better?
Ooh, like what you've
done with the place.
Ah! So, what can I do for you
two work colleagues, yeah?
I think you know why you're
here. Ah, police training, innit?
Which is exactly the kind
of obstructive insolence
that's been reported by
all of our staff so far.
Oh, dear. Here's the thing.
We know the real reason
that you are here.
Ah, you said come to my
office at three o'clock.
No, the reason you
enrolled here, she means.
We know who your father
is. Is it Darth Vader?
No, it's Chief Superintendent
Timothy Legland.
Yes, him. Not
dissimilar, actually.
And then, of course,
there's Assistant Chief
Constable Phillipa Legland.
Mm, yes, my mum, ma'am.
My Ooh, ma'am, mum. Hang on.
My mum, ma'am,
mum, ma'am, my mum.
HE BEATBOXES
They sent you here,
and you are counting on us
to kick you out. We get it.
So, I'm the one here
for the wrong reasons?
Let's get this done.
I'm afraid not.
You see, your mother
called me this morning.
Told me you might be a bit tricksy.
Did you tell her to do one?
No, I did not. Your
mother is superior to me.
Er, she has great legs, but
you have a lovely smile.
I don't like smart arses.
What sort of arses do you
like? This isn't gonna work.
I can be way more annoying
than you, little boy.
Game on big girl.
SHE CLEARS THROA
Well, congratulations!
We have all made it
to the end of day one.
Now, earlier this morning,
I said that one of you was here
for the wrong reasons. I lied.
You are all here for
the wrong reasons.
You might think you can
single-handedly solve crime,
chase bad guys across rooftops,
get back at everyone who
bullied you at school.
Well, guess what?
You are here to
become police officers
with one motivation only,
and that is to protect the
public whilst never forgetting
that you are members
of the public yourself.
Now, if you can do this job,
each and every one of
you will have my respect.
Apart from recruit 718,
who it turns out is a member
of a far-right organisation.
Where are you? He's there.
Ah, right. Go on, get
your stuff. Fuck off.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
I just want to say, erm
I've let you all
down, and I apologise.
And I wanna wish you all the
best in your future careers.
That's really sad. Steph,
he's an actual Nazi.
Oh, shit, yeah.
Sorry. Dismissed!
Breaking news.
One of your latest intake
has an ulterior motive.
No, no, I've done that.
I've just made the speech.
Look, forget the speech.
This is actually a thing.
We've got a prune in the nest.
Jesus. Briefing,
0800, tomorrow.
Copy that. HE LAUGHS
I can see you're scoping out
all of our raw materials,
ready to be fashioned into a
into a flower vase
of law enforcement,
or even a teapot.
Cunningham says we have
a prune in the nest.
Ah, what's? This
prune's good news?
Well, no, of course not. Who
wants a prune in the nest?
Might as well have a duck
in the cupboard or a
a bun in the shoe.
Informant.
Yes, yes, well, my updated
directory of confusing police slang
must've got lost in the post.
Ah, right, well, er,
here have mine.
Thank you.
Just keep an eye out. Right.
Could be something very subtle.
Pauly, get in.
SIRENS BLARE
Come on, scrubber.
You're not giving
your nan a bed bath.
accessibility@itv.com