Rooster (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
["Age of Consent"
by New Order playing]
♪♪
[Eric] This way.
Won't you please
let me go? ♪
These words lie inside,
they hurt me so ♪
And I'm not the kind
that likes to tell you ♪
Just what
you want me to ♪
You're not the kind
that needs to tell me ♪
About the birds
and the bees ♪
- [music stops abruptly]
- Oh. So sorry.
I sorry.
I was I was looking
at that guy.
- What guy?
- He's not there, he was right
- Um, I don't know.
- What'd he look like?
He was wet.
- He was a wet guy?
- Mm-hmm.
Professor Shepard said to
wait here in front of Cabot Hall.
Did she say how long to wait?
Because I think
we are supposed to start
Ah, okay.
I'll just stand here then.
- Nice mustache, jerk.
- I can hear you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
[chuckles]
- No, I didn't. I'm sorry, I
- Mr. Russo?
Yes. Greg, please.
Professor Shepard?
- Dylan.
- Dylan. Right, right.
Hey, hey.
Thank you, Eric.
Eric did a great job
picking me up.
He he left.
[Dylan chuckles]
You ready to rock and roll?
[Greg] Nope.
Oh, yuck, there I am.
-I don't love these readings. I don't.
-Yep, that's you.
I get so self-conscious,
and I can't I can't
- Oh, no, you can't read?
- [chuckles]
Oh, if you come to a big word,
just sound it out.
I write books that you're
supposed to read at the beach.
- Mm.
- They are light, they are fun.
Characters that you like
have sex,
the ones that you don't
get shot in the face.
- What?
- At a stuffy college like this,
these kids aren't looking
for fun.
- They're looking for depth.
- Hey. I teach a class
about the poetry of Bad Bunny.
You'll be fine, okay?
- What's a bad bunny?
- [chuckles]
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
"Rooster didn't mean
to shoot Eduardo in the face,
"but there it was.
"One perfect bullet hole
right below his eye.
"That night, Rooster drifted
to sleep in a beach chair.
"Luckily, the first thing he saw
when he woke was Margo,
"smiling as she floated
towards him
in the shimmering
morning heat."
[applause]
See? Wasn't so bad.
Okay, we have time
for a few questions.
[sighs] Okay.
Ronni, go ahead.
Mr. Russo, first,
I want to thank you for coming
- and giving us your time.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- No, really, thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
Appreciate it.
What was your question?
- Why do you hate women?
- [audience murmuring]
Wow, I don't I
That's a fun way to start.
Easy answer.
I I don't hate women.
"Mango was Rooster's
favorite flavor
besides Margo herself."
So here, you're comparing
the taste
of a woman's vagina
to a Popsicle.
I did not know I was doing that.
Well, you also say that she
"smelled like birthday cake."
What was your thought process
when you wrote that?
[chuckles] I
I must have been hungry.
- [laughter]
- Here's the thing.
Um, I don't see Margo
as a sex object.
Yes, uh, she and Rooster
- do have sex a few times
- Sixteen times.
Okay, good, you you counted.
I mean, 17,
if you include the oral sex.
Have to include that, right?
Yeah, let's include it.
Uh, for what it's worth,
the character of Margo
is based on a woman
I used to be married to.
So, yes, she is sexy
and beautiful,
but she is also smart and brave.
That feeds into my question.
Uh, you know the part
where Margo
saves Rooster
from the drug smugglers?
Exactly, she's very brave
in that moment.
Well, especially since
she took off her bikini
and did it all topless.
- [students murmuring]
- Yes.
She had to make a tourniquet.
What was your question?
- That was hot.
- Smokeshow.
- [students chuckling]
- Alright, great question.
Anybody else?
Ronni, you've had your turn.
Hey, Cristle.
Is he back?
He's here.
He's very excited.
My gosh.
I mean, my gosh.
Just [grunting]
outstanding.
- Oh.
- Not sure if you've officially met
our president, Walter Mann.
I was already a fan,
but absolutely loved the way
you handled that Ronni.
Well, I hope I didn't
make her feel bad.
Ah, who cares?
Nobody makes these kids
feel bad anymore.
Let me tell you something.
Life is hard.
- And we are teaching these kids exactly squat.
- [softly] Hello.
- Hmm.
- It's out of control, am I right?
Actually, I think it's refreshing
that young people are
Oh, thank you, Cristle.
You're done.
Off you go.
Please tell Dean Riggs
- I will meet him at the gym.
- [Cristle] Fine.
Thank you, uh,
for tolerating me.
[Cristle]
We're not speaking.
- Bye, Greg!
- She seems nice.
It's, uh, Crissle, yes?
There's no T?
- There's a T.
- Th there's a T.
- Oh.
- Liberal arts colleges
used to be safe havens
- for free thought, Greg.
- [scoffs]
When did you and I
become the bad guys?
Amen. What?
Populism is not
very popular here.
I mean, take Dylan.
I love her,
but it's no surprise that she
hasn't read any of your books.
- What are you doing?
- [Greg] It's okay.
I I actually haven't read
any of your poetry, either.
It's funny, in your emails, you
said you loved Dylan's poetry.
I I did.
I do love them.
Read all of them.
I just didn't wanna
make her feel bad.
Ah.
Happy?
You got us both.
Unintentional.
Just Walt being Walt.
- Mm.
- Dylan, to be continued.
Greg, you give me a ten count
and then join me.
Wh
[door closes]
- [Dylan chuckles]
Yes, he wants you to count to
ten and, no, I don't know why.
- Okay.
- [both chuckle]
I'm gonna read your books.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
Nice meeting you, Greg.
Nice you me also.
Okay. [Chuckles]
[softly]
What are you doing?
[exhales sharply]
Okay.
Oh, boy.
That was barely
eight there, Greg.
Do you need
another 10 or 20 count?
- May I guess what you're thinking?
- I doubt it.
Most college presidents
are bookish shut-ins,
but this guy's jacked.
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
I would have
also accepted, "Wow!"
You know my secret?
Hot sauna, cold plunge,
every goddamn day.
You get the same endorphins
you get from cocaine,
only it lasts two hours
instead of nine minutes.
- Plus, come here.
- Scoot closer?
It releases the brown fat.
Well, you gotta release
the brown fat.
- I knew you'd get it.
- I'm glad that you think that I do.
Uh, listen, I would be a bad dad
if I didn't ask
how Katie was doing,
and I know that you probably
have heard about her and Archie.
You go to any campus in America,
and no marriage between
two faculty members
has ever lasted more
than a year and a half.
I can't believe that is true.
Well, it may not be factually
true, but the spirit of it is.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now, what about you?
- You ever think about teaching?
- Oh, me?
[chuckles] Oh, no. No.
Not really.
I I didn't go to college.
Who cares?
It's overrated.
Real Okay.
I'm still looking
for my writer-in-residence.
You say the word, gig's yours.
- Well
- Don't answer now.
Come back and tell me
your decision before you leave.
I want you to go out
and let this campus
get its magic all over you.
- All over me?
- Yeah, baby.
In the meantime,
I'm gonna go to the gym
and throw some metal around.
You care to join?
No, thanks.
- I I'm gonna go see my kid.
- Ah, good dad.
You tell that Katie that if it
took a campus sex scandal
to finally get her old man
up here, worth it.
Probably not gonna
tell her that.
Thank you.
Okay. Alright.
- Hey, Greg.
- Yes?
- Thrilled you're here.
- Good to see you.
[Upbeat music playing]
[Katie] With his water lilies,
Monet eschewed tradition
and focused on the surface
of the pond
at his home in Giverny.
Beautiful, right?
Hard to believe, but, uh,
actually conservators
[groaning]
uh, restored that
exact painting
with Q-tips and spit.
- Ew.
- Okay, uh, you can take
that slightly disgusting tidbit
and get outta here.
But there is a paper
due on Monday.
But there's a K-party
this weekend.
- What is a K-party?
- You don't wanna know.
I don't wanna know, okay.
If you feel like
you need extra time
on your paper, that is my dad.
Interacting with strangers
makes him very uncomfortable.
So, if you want extra time,
look him in the eye
and tell him
that you love him, okay?
No. Please don't do it.
- I love you very much.
- Okay.
[student] See you.
Do you know what brown fat is?
Dad, I love that you're here,
but I don't need you
- to check up on me.
- I'm not checking up on you.
They asked me to come and read.
Oh, come on, Dad,
you hate this place.
They've asked you
like a billion times.
- Just admit it.
- I don't want to admit it,
because you will get mad.
[Katie sighs]
- Everybody knows.
- Knows what?
About Archie.
Everybody knows.
This place is like a fishbowl.
- He knows.
- He doesn't know.
Hey, excuse me.
You know that my husband
left me to fuck
a grad student, right?
Uh, I
- [sighs] Oh.
- Answer honestly,
and I promise this moment
is over for you.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- See?
- Okay.
You know, the worst part
is everybody
keeps asking me what happened.
I don't know what happened.
We were normal,
and then the next thing I know,
he's with her,
and I'm packing up
and moving into the dead
hockey coach's house.
How did the hockey coach die?
[sighs]
I think he killed himself
because his father was focusing
on the wrong part of the story.
I'm sorry. I'm back.
It wasn't on the ice, was it?
- Dad.
- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
I feel like everybody's
looking at me all the time.
They're not looking at you.
He wasn't looking at you.
Oh, yep, he just did.
I'm losing my grip, Dad,
I hate it.
Honey, you're not
losing your grip.
You are strong.
Whoa! [Laughing]
Honey, why are we in the bushes?
Shh, that's them over there.
They eat their lunch
here sometimes.
- So you're stalking them?
- Mm
- That's fine, hon.
- They never even kiss.
And look at her,
she's not like some model type.
- She's just like a normal girl.
- [Greg] Mm.
Oh, I just It would make
so much more sense to me
if she was special in some way.
Well, honey, maybe what
makes her special
is on the inside, you know,
who she is as a person.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
- What are you doing?
- I'm in the bushes.
I'm off my game.
Look, hon.
There's something that I what?
Just look at me.
- Just look at me right now.
- What?
Focus on what I'm saying,
- because I have something important
- No.
[sighs] Shit.
Not many women
get to be with their father
while they watch their husband
make out with someone.
Yeah, we're pretty lucky.
Why would you come here?
- I knew you'd be mad.
- [scoffs]
Don't. Katie.
[Greg sighs]
No. No.
- Nope.
- Uh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't watching you.
I was watching a couple
behind you kissing.
- A straight couple.
- Dude.
Not that that matters.
It just
- I'm just clarifying.
- Yeah.
You don't have to
take out your phone.
That's I'm out
I'm outta here.
Can you hear them? ♪
See you later!
Talking 'bout us
telling lies ♪
Is that a surprise? ♪
["Our Lips are Sealed"
continues playing in store]
[sighs]
Hey, there's that guy.
- You kicked ass today.
- Oh.
Big fan, I love those
Rooster books. I read 'em all.
Oh, thank you.
You're the, uh, the bikini kid.
Oh, Tommy Newton.
Oh, shit.
I forgot my wallet.
Stupid.
-No, no, no. Give me that.
-Really?
- I got you.
- Oh, sweet.
- Wait, I'ma get some chips too, then.
- [Greg laughing]
I'm just kidding.
Very kind, thanks.
It's okay.
Got ya.
- Again, I really appreciate it.
- No problem. There you go.
- Sweet.
- Enjoy it.
[officer]
Bonjour, mes amis.
- Hello.
- I said "hello" in French
because I am betting
that you are from Paris,
where they let kids drink wine
and babies smoke cigarettes.
But here in America,
the legal drinking age is 21.
You're not 21?
- Not yet.
- Okay, officer.
[sighs]
He said that he forgot
his wallet.
- He offered to buy me beer.
- Are you kidding me?
Kind of an age-old story,
isn't it?
Kid gives you 20 bucks,
you go inside
and get him some beer.
- I don't need 20 bucks.
- Okay, money buckets.
[whispering] There's other
reasons you might do it.
What, for like a blow job
in the alley?
What?
F oh.
No. I was thinking
that you might do it
because he seems
like a good kid.
- Yes, yes, yes, that makes much more sense.
- Yes.
But now, I got this
blow job thing
- stuck in my head, and either you're giving it to him
- No, no.
- or he's giving it to you, but either way
- Nobody's giving anyone
- a blow job, Officer!
- that's all I can see right now.
- No, no, it was just a stupid remark.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you don't just say
something like that
unless you're thinking it.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Yes.
I disagree.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
Tommy Newton, come on.
He didn't do anything,
I I tricked him.
There you go.
Alright.
Leave the beer
and get outta here.
Thanks for being a good kid.
Even if it was
just right at the end.
I'm gonna go ahead
and take these from you.
Oh, okay.
Stay out of the alleys.
["Only You" by Yaz playing]
[whistling exhale]
Okay.
Looking from
a window above ♪
It's like a story of love ♪
Can you hear me? ♪
Came back
only yesterday ♪
I'm moving further away ♪
Uh yeah.
Fuck it.
All I needed was
the love you gave ♪
All I needed
for another day ♪
And all I ever knew ♪
- [inaudible conversation]
- Only you ♪
- [music stops abruptly]
- [phone ringing]
- Oh, fuck.
- [dog barking]
[exclaiming] Oh! Shh!
Hey, kiddo, sorry about before.
Are you really gonna make
me eat dinner by myself?
Huh? Call me.
- Hey, Margaret.
- Hey.
- [dog barking]
- [shushing]
[quiet gasp]
[muffled]
Katie?
- [dog barking]
- Hey.
I'm walking the dog.
He he only shits
in this yard, so
[people chattering]
Excuse me.
- How is your house Chardonnay?
- Tastes like shit.
Great.
I'll have one Chardonnay.
- Chardonnay? Oh. [Laughing]
- Oh, hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Get a real drink.
- Excuse me?
- [sighs] You wanna sit here by yourself, fine.
You wanna join me, you need to
get a little more self-destructive.
- Okay.
- Tequila Blanco.
Rocks.
Splash of lime.
Alright, yeah.
Make that two.
- Sure.
- Can I at least get more nuts?
Did you eat that whole bowl?
We're good with the nuts.
[Greg] Listen, I don't
see what the problem is.
She's never even taught before.
You pulled some strings.
You got your friend a job.
I think it's nice.
What if she sucks
and Walt fires her?
Worst-case scenario.
It goes horribly.
She blames you.
Something breaks
deep inside of her,
and she shoots you in the face.
- I will fuck you up.
- [laughing]
You know, I pretended
it was for her.
She had just gotten a divorce.
I said, "Oh, you need a change."
But it wasn't for her.
It was for me.
I just feel so isolated.
And, look, I've been here
for a minute.
A few friends
didn't get tenure and split.
I've already dated
everybody worth dating.
And I said "I love you" once,
but I took it back.
- You can do that?
- You can.
But they get really mad.
[laughing]
You ever, um, been completely
surrounded by people
and still felt utterly alone?
Yeah, for about 25 years.
I was married.
- Right.
- Right, oh yeah.
- To the school's most celebrated alum.
- Yes.
- Mm.
- Actually, you would love her.
You'd love Elizabeth.
[sighs]
When we were married
there were always
so many people around.
And when we split up,
those same people
were the ones to say
that we never
made sense together,
because she was so far
out of my league.
And for a long time,
I felt they were right.
How long?
What is this all about?
Your key is bent.
[Dylan] Yeah, it's my house
key. It doesn't always work.
Quit changing the subject.
Um, too long.
I felt that way for too long.
Want me to get us
some more nuts?
So badly.
Excuse me.
Can we get some more nuts?
- Would you like 'em warm?
- Warm nuts?
[laughing] - They haven't
even talked to each other.
Archie is so gutless, he
can't even look her in the eye
and explain what happened.
I just know what I wanna do?
I wanna go over there
and just tell him
to man the heck up!
Uh, I think you gotta go with
"man the fuck up."
- [student] I love you.
- Oh, hope you get an F.
- What was What was that?
- That's a long story.
It doesn't matter,
because if I talk to him,
- Katie would kill me.
- No, she wouldn't.
She'll love you for it.
Ugh, I don't think so.
I mean, she wouldn't tell you
she loves you for it.
And then, she'll probably
say she's mad at you.
[keys jingling]
You didn't have to walk me
all the way home.
Oh, well,
I'm glad I did, though.
That was fun.
- Good night.
- You wanna come in?
Hmm?
You wanna come in?
- Um
- Okay, in two weeks,
my friend is gonna be
living right there.
And I love her, but she is
always all up in my business.
So, probably no more fucking
the guest speakers for me.
Wow.
I've never done this before.
I'm just kidding.
- [laughing] I know.
- [laughing] No, you didn't.
No, I did not know.
Oh. Do you know
how old I am?
It's your lucky day, Grandpa.
Oh. [Laughing]
Oh! Oh!
Dylan, you are gorgeous.
And funny, and so, so smart,
that I feel even dumber
than usual.
- But today has just been a day.
- Okay, you can stop.
No, no, no, no!
I I was just saying,
maybe we could just stand out
here and talk for a little while?
I really don't love talking
to men who just rejected me
I didn't reject you!
I just I'm uncomfortable.
And it's not you.
It's me I'm that's who
That's what I am
most of the time, always.
So, maybe we could have a drink?
Yeah? And kind of
Kinda just see where it goes?
Okay.
Would you like to come in
and have a drink?
I probably shouldn't.
- What Holy crap.
- [groaning]
You just rejected me twice.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't know.
I don't know
why I do so many things.
- Good night.
- No.
Wait. Dylan! Dylan!
- Dylan! Uh
- Come on.
Oh, the key.
The curse of the bent key.
Come on, come on.
Shit.
You could try it
a little less psychotically.
- Okay, please just go.
- No, no, no.
I wouldn't be a gentleman
unless I waited for you to
[glass shattering]
Oh.
Okay.
[door slams]
Good night.
[Upbeat music playing]
Hey, Bug, you you sure
you don't want me to drive you?
No, no, no, I I got it.
Hey, um, well, how how come
you need to go to the dentist?
Um, because I hurt my arm.
- That's a joke.
- Relax.
- I'll be back later.
- Okay.
- Big push for a big girl.
- Yeah, see ya.
- [Archie] Eyes on the horizon.
- Got it!
[with British accent]
Hello, Guv!
Greg.
Heard you were on campus.
Come on.
Just pop it on a coaster
for me, will ya?
[mug clunks]
I understand that you're the
first Russian Studies professor
to receive
the Wallace Fellowship.
You don't care
about my fellowship.
No. Nobody does.
Well, yeah, my friends
talk about it quite a lot, so
- Name one.
- You don't know any of my friends.
Well, just throw a name out.
- Kevin.
- I will bet you a million dollars
that you can't tell me
Kevin's last name.
Listen, G-Greg, I know
why you're here, alright?
You love Chekhov, right?
I was wrong. Uh, yeah,
I like Chekhov a bit, yeah.
Don't you have
that stupid first edition
Chekhov book
that you're so proud of?
Tolstoy.
It's the first edition
of War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.
- [groaning]
- Yes, I am rather proud of it.
It's probably one of the finest
literary creations
any human being
has ever made, so
Why did you cheat
on my daughter?
- Sounds like you wanna make love to that book.
- Okay.
Could you just skip
to the point, please, Greg?
No, because I thought
that you loved Chekhov,
and I spent the morning
researching him
in preparation for this conversation
- For the love of God.
- Then, pretend that I am a fan of Chekhov.
- Okay.
Listen, since you love
Chekhov so much,
you obviously know that he said,
"No one must be humiliated."
I have been thinking
about that a lot.
How could you have
been thinking about that a lot
if you only just
read it this morning?
- Are you a detective?
- Well
My God! Look.
You need to man
the fucking heck up.
Katie has been humiliated,
and I think that
you owe it to her.
I I love her.
I do, I love her.
[sighs] Then what
are you doing, man?
I I, um
[chuckles]
I just I got lost.
Um
we weren't getting along,
and we drifted a bit,
and I withdrew.
And then along came Sunny,
and the the clouds
I'm cool not knowing
anything about Sunny.
Look.
I am ready and willing to take
the lion's share of the blame
with what happened
between me and Katie.
- You are a hero.
- Thank you.
And also, your friend
Kevin is not real.
Katie and I both have things
that we need to work on,
and I I want to do
that work, Greg,
because she is still
the most important thing
that's ever happened to me.
And I think I've really
cocked this up,
- haven't I?
- Yeah.
You cocked it up.
Do you think she'll
ever take me back?
[Greg] I wouldn't.
But if you want to find out
you have to man the fuck up.
You really nailed it that time.
- I don't need your approval.
- Okay.
But thank you.
- [Upbeat music playing]
- [people chattering]
Bobby Orr.
Native of Kitchener, Ontario.
Who gives a shit?
I cannot believe
that you spoke to Archie.
- I was promised you'd eventually love me for it.
- [scoffs]
He wants to see me tomorrow.
He says that he thinks
he's found a path back.
Alright,
that's a good thing, yeah?
Why, because he's stopped
banging that girl,
so I'm supposed to run home
and rip off all my clothes?
I I seriously doubt that
that is his "path back" idea.
- [scoffs]
- I know you're mad.
I have a question.
Do you still love him?
[sighs] Shit.
You know,
I never really told you
why your mom and I split up.
She cheated on you.
Oh, good, so you're in the loop.
[chuckles] No, uh
my biggest regret
was that I didn't fight for her.
If you love him,
don't be a coward like I was.
If I say that
I will go and see him,
will you please stop
telling me to do things
- that I don't want to do?
- Promise.
- Also, try to be kind.
- Jesus Christ.
I You're going to want
to say some stuff
that's really horrible to him,
and he deserves it.
- Yeah.
- But there are certain things
you can't take back, honey.
And I am speaking
from experience.
That's all. Go see him.
Try to be kind.
That's it. [Chuckles]
Okay, I'm gonna head out.
Love you. I will drop by
tomorrow morning
after I see Walt
- and say farewell.
- Dad?
Do you wanna stay and hang?
Always.
Yes, I do.
- [claps]
- [Katie] Okay.
[Upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
- [dog barking]
- Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
[Walt] Fifteen minutes
at 185 degrees,
at least three times a week.
Speeds up the metabolism,
flushes out the toxins,
and is clinically proven
to lower your chance
of dementia by 53%.
And aren't you a lucky guy?
You have all that fur
to keep the heat in.
Yeah, I feel lucky.
Can't say I'm pleased
you turned down
- my job offer.
- Sorry.
Has it been 15 minutes yet?
Ninety seconds, Greg.
Boy, you're gonna love
the contrast
with the cold plunge.
- I can't wait.
- I am happy to see things
are turning the corner
for Archie and, and Katie.
- Mm.
- Would have been a shame to have to let her go.
- Excuse me?
- Well, if this drama
got outta hand,
I had to pick one.
He's got the tenure
and the Wallace Fellowship, so
Nobody cares about that.
[Greg sighs]
Have you ever
been married, Walt?
I am married now.
- Wow. Oh.
- Joanie, she loves to travel.
I don't.
So, we do two months together,
two months apart,
and then we just repeat that
the rest of the year.
She'll be back in a few weeks.
[chuckles] I can't wait.
Sounds like
you've solved marriage.
I have, Greg.
[Greg] Mm-hmm, yeah.
You're lucky.
[inhales sharply]
When you get
your heart broken, it's
it's Ah, whatever.
- Never mind.
- What do you mean, never mind?
Number three,
"hothouse is for real talk."
You had that made up
professionally?
I made it, in woods hop.
- Nice.
- Yep.
Uh
When you get your heart broken,
it feels like somebody
shot you in the face.
It doesn't matter
if it's been five years.
You just
you feel like you're never
gonna bounce back, you know?
Can't let that happen to Katie.
Hmm.
- Alright.
- [thumping]
Ah, Katie.
Uh, I'm not gonna sit down
'cause I don't know
- where you guys have had sex, so I'm gonna pace.
- Right, okay.
- That's actually something I'd love to say to you
- Uh, look, I wanted to say
that to start off
- No, hold on, listen, I really need to tell you something
- No. No.
- No, no, if I can just go first and then
Sit down! I'm trying really
hard not to lose my shit here,
and your interrupting me
is not helping.
Please, sit down and shut up.
[sighs] - Unfortunately,
I was gonna say
that you actually should start,
but there's nothing
that you could say
that would help me understand
how you could do this to me.
And you didn't even
try to explain yourself.
Are you fucking serious?
- Trying to
- Archie, that's when you get
when those women on Dateline
snap and poison their husbands.
Because I have thought
about killing you.
And I know it's not smart
to say out loud,
in case something weird happens
and you do die,
and then somebody else in
the bar is like, "Well, I heard her
I heard her talking about
how she'd kill her husband."
But we're not in a bar,
so I feel pretty safe.
I could so murder you.
Good lord.
But my dad told me to be kind.
I just don't know
how to get there.
[sighs]
I love you.
And I think
we can get through this.
[sighs] Okay.
Now, you talk.
Uh
It doesn't matter what you say.
Just say something.
Sh She didn't go
to the dentist.
Okay, it matters a little.
It can't just be gibberish.
Sunny said that she was
going to the dentist,
- but she went to the doctor's.
- Well, dentists are doctors.
She's pregnant.
[inhales sharply]
[sighs deeply] -This is
what I was I just found out.
I love you, Katie.
I I was gonna beg
for you to take me back.
I have I have this speech
where I explain everything,
but I don't make any excuses.
It's really good.
I can still say it.
- Get out.
- Okay.
This is my house.
Please get out,
please get out, please get out.
Uh
- I really do love you, Katie.
- Fuck you.
Do do you know how long
you're gonna be?
- Get out.
- Okay.
- [door opens, closes]
- [breathing deeply]
[screaming]
- Are you loving the contrast?
- No!
You're activating the brown fat.
Brown fat is not real.
- You don't mean that.
- I do.
Now, we're gonna finish
by you going under for five.
[inhales deeply]
[shrieking]
Oh!
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
I take one, one, one 'cause
you left me - [sighs deeply]
And two, two,
two for my family ♪
And three, three, three
for my heartache - [laughing]
And four, four, four
for my headaches ♪
And five, five, five
for my lonely ♪
And six, six, six
for my sorrow ♪
And seven, seven for
n-n-no tomorrow ♪
And eight, eight,
I forget what eight was for ♪
But nine, nine,
nine for a lost god ♪
Ten, ten, ten, ten for
everything - [groaning]
- [smoke alarm beeping]
- Oh, shit.
Well, you can all
just kiss off into the air ♪
[gasps]
Oh, ah, ah! No!
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Uh ow!
Ow. Ah!
They do it all the time ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
- [flame whooshes]
- [gasps]
Oh, my, no.
Do it all the time, time,
time, time, time, time, time ♪
- Do it all the time ♪
- [flames whooshing]
Hey, Beth, I know you said that
I didn't need to go see Katie,
but I did,
and I'm glad that I did.
- And I am so, so cold.
- [sirens wailing]
Call me when you can.
Bye.
[sirens continue]
- [people chattering]
- [police radio chatter]
Oh, my gosh.
Why would you
make me talk to him?
- Hey, folks.
- [Greg] Oh, no, this guy.
- I was with you all morning.
- Wait, what?
Ma'am. Blowjob guy.
Hey.
You guys wouldn't happen
to know what's going on here
- with this fire, would you?
- [Greg] No.
She was with me all morning.
No, I wasn't.
- Huh.
- Seriously?
Okay, so immediately,
conflicting stories.
Why don't you both stay here?
I'm gonna go grab my pen.
Do not leave.
Where's my pen?
[clapping]
- Who's got my pen?
- Ah.
- [both sucking teeth]
- Shoot.
I laugh at me,
I'm trying, trying ♪
Falling sometimes,
sometimes flying ♪
Cry me an ocean
of one-liners ♪
Cruel, cruel, cruel ♪
Sticks and stones,
you know the rhyme ♪
You know
it landed hard this time ♪
Look who tried too hard ♪
To play it cool, oh ♪
We laugh and move on
with our lives ♪
I'm bootstrap pained,
but never mind ♪
I'll find a way to rewrite
our beginnings ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, I, oh, I ♪
Oh, I, oh, I ♪
Oh, I, oh, I ♪
I played the fool ♪
[laughter]
[child] Bye-bye.
[blows raspberries]