Santa Inc. (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

(bells jingling)
(children laughing)
(joyful music playing)
♪
(car horn)
♪
All right, good job, guys.
Make sure those are stacked
in order of continents.
And keep the puppies
away from the kittens,
and the kittens away
from the goldfish.
And make sure the reptiles--
Sweet American Jesus!
This lizard is dead!
Come on, guys!
It's Christmas
fuckin' Eve!
There's no time
for amateur hour here.
Now, get another one before
Tiffany Chang from Tallahassee
loses her shit.
Halloween? Bullshit.
Easter? Fuck that stupid bunny.
May Day?
What the fuck is May Day?
This is The Big One.
The X-Games, X-Caliber,
it's X-Mas, baby,
and that X
is for X-tra
X-traordinary!
Santa chose me as his successor
because I know how
to run this place,
and get the best outta you guys.
And I think
you guys are the best.
You come from a long line
of distinguished reindeer
who have performed
valiantly on Christmas Eve
for hundreds of years.
Dasher Comet Blitzen
And Junior, the son
of the greatest of them all.
Fashionably late.
Let me just get
right up front here
in the driver's seat.
Who's ready to smell
Junior's ass tonight?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Now let's get those
fucking kids their presents
in record time
this year.
(cheering)
The Lady Candy,
my second-in-command.
I'd be nothing
without you.
You are a fucking
rock star!
After tonight,
I insist that you go
to a hotel room and trash it.
I will do it!
I will drug groupies!
I will shit on the bed!
I will fuck a baby shark,
and bite its head off.
Ha, ha! Woo!
Okay, take it down a notch.
(sirens wailing)
(all gasp)
May I present
the Sultan of the Sleigh Ride,
The Thunda
from the Tundra,
the hardest-working man
in "snow" biz.
-(chanting "Santa")
-Good golly, he's jolly!
Our own
Santa Claus!
Hey!
Merry Christmas,
Feliz Navidad.
Hey, good to see you.
How are you?
Whoa, you're on
my naughty list.
Good news, sir,
only 8% of kids under 10
don't believe in you.
That's down
from 12% last year.
Wow!
More American kids
believe in you
than they do in vaccines
or the Holocaust.
That's great!
I mean,
disheartening for America,
but great for us.
Announcer:
Sleigh launch commencing
in T-minus 10
-Merry Christmas!
-(countdown continues)
And to all a kick-ass night!
Peace!
Announcer:
one, zero.
We are a go.
Repeat, Christmas is a go.
Weather's rough all
over tonight, kids.
Veer left towards Manhattan.
Winds are coming in at
a gentle 15 miles per hour
above the Empire
State Building so--
It's happening!
The anti-Christmas
pigeons are out.
They've already shit
on the Rockefeller Center tree.
Candy:
Those fucking assholes.
It's like they save up
a year's worth of shit
for this one day.
Send in the fighter jets!
Bread drop over
Central Park Sheep's Meadow.
Let's make it rain carbs, kids.
(pigeons cooing)
How many sleeping pills
we got in the bread?
-Upwards of a thousand, ma'am.
-Great.
These turtle doves will be down
for all 12 days of Christmas.
(cheers and applause)
-Stop, stop.
It was nothing.
-(cheering stops)
No, hey, I'm lying.
It was very much my idea.
I killed it. Keep clapping.
(cheers and applause)
(joyful music playing)
Good morning,
emotional vampires.
My day's
gonna be insane.
(muffled)
Brent and I have to go through
all the thank you notes,
-the hate mail--
-My day's gonna be pretty
intense, too, actually.
Probably somethin' we
should pay attention to.
Oh, really?
Oh, what's going on
with you today, Tony?
You have to cut your toenails?
Is it that time of year again?
(laughing)
I'm laying down tracks
on a new Christmas song.
Did you ever play
my last one for Santa?
That crap? No chance.
Candy, don't be mean
to your brother.
His father died when he
was a very young child.
Yeah, I know.
He was actually
my father, too.
Oh, wow.
Someone's dead-dad-greedy.
Speakin' of, I dedicate this
sick shit to my dead pops.
May the stale gumdrop
that fell on him
and crushed his head
burn in hell.
Santa Claus he likes it raw ♪
But his wife ain't no ho ♪
She don't suck
on dat north pole ♪
Hey!
I was catfishin' an eight!
I'm gonna finish
that abortion Mom tried
to have 35 years ago!
-Ahh!
-(grunting)
Help!
My son's being attacked!
Somebody help us!
-(punching)
-(grunting)
Candy:
Crash somewhere
else, grifters.
Thank you notes
are coming in.
Kids love
their presents.
Another Christmas
gone perfectly.
Woo! Woo!
This is why
I brag to everyone
that we're BFFs.
-(dings)
-Back off! No high-fives
from anyone but me!
-Grr.
-Candy, I don't know
how you deal with
all these clingy,
needy types.
I really don't.
Hey, hey.
What's goin' on?
I'm so frustrated.
None of us
B-Team Women
got called up
to the sleigh.
Again.
We train hard
every day of the year
just to sit on
the fucking bench
every Christmas Eve.
It doesn't mean you're
not as vital to the system
as any one of those dudes.
(sighs)
I guess.
And if you want, honestly,
I will slit Junior's
throat next year
so you can lead the team.
I swear to God,
just give me the word,
-and I will cut him.
-(Goldie laughs)
On the positive side,
your body is sick!
You right.
All this training
does make me
a monster
in the sack.
I had a three-way with Prancer
and his girlfriend last night,
(sing-song):
and no one was complaining.
Oh my god.
Your life is amazing.
-Hot deets!
-Well, we did it
reindeer style,
doggy style,
koala style--
the girlfriend
is Australian.
And it's a good thing
Prancer's not Santa
because his dick was
as thick as a chimney.
Ooh, yeah, gimme
some more of that
vicarious shit.
Eh, I'm late
for weight training,
-but thanks
for cheerin' me up, guys.
-See ya.
So, I had this
insane dream last night
that I was actually
wearing Santa's suit--
Oh, a dream?
Must be nice.
I don't have
dreams anymore
because I don't ever sleep
because for some reason,
I wanted to be
a wife and mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, Fun Size.
You know I love you,
baby, right?
Right?
Answer me!
Why isn't he answering?!
Is he dead?!
Uh, I don't know.
He's blue and not breathing,
so maybe.
Call 911!
Help my baby!
I'm just
fucking with you.
He's asleep,
you psycho.
Oh, okay, good.
Being a mom is so hard.
Take my advice, Candy.
Never have kids.
Wasn't planning on it.
Oh, really?
That makes me sad.
You'd be such
a good mom.
Promise me you'll
think about it.
Okay, gotta drop
this fucker off
at daycare.
Byeee!
(phone ringing)
♪
-Morning, Jeremy. Brent in yet?
-Shush!
Retweeting a retweet
from an influencer
regarding
helping our world.
All done. Brent's not in.
Grab me a coffee?
Thank you.
Come on, man.
You're the assistant.
Grab me a coffee.
Get me a scone, too.
Unless they're all maple
because gross. Fuck maple.
-This is harassment.
-(alarm sounds)
Jingle Jim:
All employees, this is your
Chief of Staff,
Jingle Jim.
Gather at the Campus Square
for an announcement by Santa.
This is not a drill.
I'm sure it's just a drill.
Shut up and gather
at the Square!
What up? What up?
Love you. Love you.
Mad at you. Love you.
Pumping her boobs
in public? God.
It's called a tit!
Your Mom has two of 'em.
Deal with it, bro.
Could there be
one nursing room
in this place?
I have to get
up there.
How do I look?
Goldie, come here.
Go 'head, boo.
I'm not gon' blink.
God, I look old.
I'm getting elf neck.
No, you're not.
You have perfect skin.
My body was wrecked
by childbirth.
A gingerbread episiotomy
is no joke, kids.
Hey, why only two chairs?
What about Brent?
Make sure
you tell Santa
those other morons
barely lifted
a hoof this year.
I'm the star quarterback
taking a team
of knuckleheads
to the Super Bowl.
And you know I'm the one
who's actually drivin'
that sleigh, right?
I just let Santa
think he's steerin'.
Don't tell him that part.
I know you hate me.
What the fuck?
You hate me.
I guess I just don't
understand what purpose
you serve at Santa Inc.
Are you a secretary who
sits in on big meetings?
A waitress who
never has food?
Junior, I am the number two
Executive Vice President
at Santa Inc. who
only answers to Santa,
Brent, and the Board.
I can end that
nose of yours.
I'd like to see
you try.
A lotta powerful people
need this nose to glow,
so they can pay
their mortgages
and send their kids
to private school.
So, by all means,
go ahead and try
to stop this nose
from glowin'.
Goddammit,
you're right.
Beings of Santa Inc.,
It is I,
your Chief of Staff,
Jingle Jim.
(chattering)
Shut up,
you worthless assholes!
-(all gasping)
-(coughs)
I present Saint Nicholas XIX!
(cheering)
Thank you all
for the very warm welcome.
I just wanna tell you all
that this year, we reached
more kids than ever before.
One billion six thousand--
No, wait, six, four, 16 billion?
Holy-- That-- You know what?
I'm not good
with these big numbers.
We got a lot of these
little motherfuckers.
(chanting "Santa")
But, this Christmas Eve,
something happened
in Seattle, Washington,
that left a lump
of coal in my heart.
(rock music plays)
Brent? I'm Jeff Bezos.
Oh my god, Jeff Bezos.
I can't believe it's you.
I would like for you
to come work for me at Amazon.
Do I have to use
an Amazon Fire Phone?
-No.
-I'm in.
What?!
This is insane!
Brent's a traitor!
Amazon Prime is
slow and useless!
Crowd Member:
Suck a bag of dicks!
(Board members muttering)
I know this is shocking news,
but please, please,
let's just be happy for Brent.
Let's wish him luck,
even though he screwed us.
Without so much as a warning.
He fucked us dry, folks.
I'm just gonna say it.
The warning would've been lube,
but he withheld that.
So, we are all
chafed this morning.
Super chafed, but
this rash will go away,
just like Brent did.
It won't spread from our nethers
to cover our entire body.
We will recover
from this un-lub-ri-cated
fucking Brent gave us.
Santa, I'm here
from The North Pole Times.
Since Brent was supposed
to succeed you as Santa Claus,
have you decided
who will replace him
and become your Successor?
Subtext, Santa's old
and knocking on death's door.
Fuck you, Harold.
Uh, I mean, uh, that--
Good, good question.
I'll give it some
serious thought.
Ha ha. Ho ho ho. Bye.
(cheering)
Big Candy:
I know who the next Santa is!
Candy, tell him!
It's my son, your brother!
Santa Claus he likes it raw ♪
-(taser shoots)
-(grunts in pain)
Snowflake, snowflake ♪
No two are alike ♪
How could Brent
just leave?
He was my mentor.
He taught me everything,
everything I know.
He made me love my job.
He made me love him.
And then he didn't
even say goodbye.
Aw, poor Candy.
Poor sweet Candy.
I'm here for you
if you need a shoulder
to cry on.
Or a dick to cry on.
Obviously,
that's offensive
and you suck,
but I'm just curious
how you envision
that working.
Is it like, I cry
and you use my tears
as lubricant
to masturbate
to my sadness?
Or is it like,
I cry and my tears
fall off my face
onto your penis
with a kind of like,
"thwap" sound that
gives you a boner?
Ehhh.
Candy Smalls.
Down, but not out.
So, who do you
think is gonna
be the new Santa?
50 bucks it's someone
in the toy factory.
Or one of those fuckin'
jacked reindeers, am I right?
Like Junior.
He's so fuckin' hot.
I mean, he's so jacked.
You fellas know
I meant jacked, right?
Yeah, ha, ha,
like what if the next
Santa is a woman.
That would be so weird,
but like super cool!
-(both laughing)
-A woman Santa?
What if she thinks she's
handin' out candy canes,
and they turn out to be
some fuckin' tampons?
What if her boobies
get caught in the chimney?
Or even worse:
What if she falls
in love with the sleigh?
(all laughing)
(rustling)
(ominous music plays)
Oh, Grandpa.
What're you doing
out so late?
Candy Cane Lane
is the best place
for anonymous
sexual encounters.
Can your heart even handle
a gang bang at your age?
You know what?
Don't answer that.
I don't wanna know.
I won't apologize
for being a vibrant
sexual being.
Nobody should ever
have to apologize
for their secret desires.
It's funny you should
say that because
well, well because
I wanna be the next Santa.
-Really?
-Yeah, I've been dreaming
about it my whole life,
but, you know, Brent's
always been Successor,
so I never
thought about it
seriously until now.
Is that nuts?
There have been
many Santa Clauses
throughout history.
Some were loved.
Others loathed.
Great and mediocre.
Attractive and gross.
10's and 2's.
Santa Claus XVII
gave lavish presents
to children in
the Third Reich
and escaped
the North Pole
for Argentina.
The point is, Candy,
Santa Inc. is a diverse place.
Humans and magical
creatures of all
races and religions
living together.
But the position
of Santa has mostly been
a white man's game.
There have been
women prime ministers,
women presidents,
even a woman mechanic,
but there has never, ever
been a woman Santa Claus,
or a Jewish Santa Claus.
Exactly! It's fucking crazy!
Things have gotta change!
Grandpa Smalls:
My advice to you is,
and this is important,
so listen carefully--
-(gust of wind)
-Whoa!
(shouts):
If I die, get rid of my porn!
It's on a computer icon
called, "Tax Stuff"!
(TV playing)
If you become Santa,
would you put me
on the Reindeer A-team?
Hell yeah, I'd bump
you straight up
to varsity.
Junior can take a year off.
You could lead the sleigh,
and let the other jerks
get stuck smelling
your asshole for once.
-(baby cries)
-Get the fucking baby, Craig!
Don't yell at me
in front of your friends.
Then don't be a dumbass
in front
of my friends, dumbass.
I thought
things were better
between you guys
since the baby.
What do you mean?
They are.
Now listen to me, bitch.
If this is your dream,
you have to at least try
and talk to Santa,
and make your case, bitch.
Someone like me
doesn't just walk up
to Santa's house and be all,
"Dude, we need to talk."
Well, go there, bitch.
Right now.
You gotta get intimate
with that jolly bitch, bitch.
Okay, I know you're right,
but do you really
have to call me "bitch"
every time you say something?
Yes, bitch.
Because it's empowering
to call you bitch, bitch.
A man wouldn't mind
being called a bitch.
-Craig: She's right.
-Who asked you, bitch?
Craig: She's wrong.
That-- That does
sting a bit.
Look, you need to let Santa know
you're not on his "Nice" list
or his "Naughty" list.
You're on his
"Bitch" list, bitch.
Okay, fuck it.
I'm doing this.
I'm doing this.
I'm going over
there right now.
This is so exciting!
It's stressing me out
how exciting this is.
-(crunches)
-Dammit, I ate my arm.
Wish me luck, bitches.
-Woo! You go, Candy!
-Yes, you got this, bitch!
You're gonna do it!
-(door opens, closes)
-What if Candy gets to be Santa,
then falls in love
with the sleigh?
Bitch, I was thinkin'
the same thing.
-(magical music playing)
-(gates creaking open)
-Ahh!
-Oh god! I'm so sorry.
Clumsy, stupid asshole!
Okay, Jesus, I cannot take
on this energy right now.
Someone is at the door
Someone is at the door ♪
Someone is at the door
Someone is at the door ♪
Someone is at the door
The door is ringing ♪
Answer the fucking door ♪
Candy! How nice to see you!
Hi, Mrs. Claus, uh,
I, I know it's late.
Oh, I'm always up.
(laughs)
I have insomnia.
I stay up all night making
lists of what I need to do.
It rules my life,
but who cares?
You don't care!
I barely care!
Come on in.
-(gobbling)
-(Mrs. Claus gasps)
Nick, stop it!
The doctor says
you're one cupcake
away from diabetes.
Fine!
Then get me some donuts!
We're all out.
I don't care,
I'm not picky.
And can we not fight
in front of my colleague?
Candy, come in. Sit down.
Invitation accepted sir.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll leave you two
to talk business.
I have emails to read,
and packages to wrap,
and so on and so forth,
and, and goodbye.
What brings
you here, Candy?
First, may I say,
your home is lovely.
It's, it's majestic,
yet it's not ostentatious,
which, I think, is a subtle
balance to achieve, sir, and I--
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Candy,
enough with the "sir."
Loosen up. This isn't
the principal's office.
I've known you
since you were a kid.
Yeah, but it's not like
we ever really talked.
What're you talkin' about?
We shoot the shit all the time.
No. No, we've never shot
even one tiny shit, sir.
I mean-- I met your husband.
He's a huge sports nut, right?
Why am I even askin'?
I remember the guy.
Blue skin, horse body,
pink wings. He was hilarious.
Not married, actually.
Don't even have
a crush on anyone,
but, uh, don't be embarrassed.
It's fine. I--
You're a very busy man.
You probably don't even
know my last name.
Ah, come on.
Who gives a fuck?
It's not like you
know my real name.
It's Llewelyn Fartini.
Dammit, you do!
Now that you mention it,
Brent kinda was like
the buffer between us.
But, you know,
now that I look back,
Brent always acted like
he was meant for bigger
things than Santa Inc.
One Halloween
he came as Super Jesus.
Like regular Jesus
wasn't enough.
No, Brent needed
a cape and a pair of tights
to show off his biceps
and his huge fuckin' dick.
No one with a dick
that big is happy
in middle management.
-That segues into what
I'm here for, actually.
-It does?
Do you mind if I,
uh, kinda give you
the big picture?
Please, tell me.
When I was a kid,
I had big dreams.
You know, I, I didn't
know that, as a girl,
they didn't always come true.
I figured if
I worked hard enough,
no one could deny
me anything, so I did.
I, I worked my ass off,
and I proved myself.
All right, not really a segue,
more of a pivot, but I hear ya.
I want my dreams to come true.
I wanna be the next Successor,
and the first female
Santa Claus in history!
The first elf bitch Santa ♪
-Me! Candy--
-Smalls!
Yes! Progress!
Candy wants it
real, real baaaaad ♪
I'm the most progressive
Santa in history.
I'm a real change agent.
I'm an ally,
which I can't
label myself as,
but I've been labeled
that by others.
And Brent,
the first Black Successor,
was a huge part of my legacy.
But maybe
it's time to make history
again.
I need to think about it,
but,
this could be really
fucking awesome.
Okay, very cool.
(cheers and laughter)
Oh, man.
Let's see what those
bozos are up to now. Ha!
(indistinct chatter)
What is this?
It's my annual
Boxing Day party.
Oh, I, I never
knew about it.
We bros shave
our beards every year.
It's a major tradition.
I'm gonna win
again this year.
The hair that weighs
the most gets a prize.
Let's get shaving! Yeaaah!
(buzzing)
Jingle Jim,
why are you here?
You don't even
have facial hair.
I have to shave
every week.
I'm talking about
my genitals, dumb-dumb.
It's a gay thing.
Yes, I am gay.
And it's a valid
and wonderful lifestyle.
If I wasn't straight,
I'd be gay.
It's number two
on my list.
I shave, too.
I shave my legs.
And under my arms,
and, uh, you know,
all the parts of my vulva
that face the floor.
Why have I never
been invited to this,
and Jingle Jim has?
And Jeremy?
Jeremy's all ice!
They make mine
into a snowcone.
Candy, you're more
than welcome to stay,
and, and join in.
But, sir,
when you hired me,
you knew I wasn't
trained for vaginas.
I don't wanna be
sued if I slip up
and make her infertile.
(softly):
The baby needs
the hair to stay warm.
Ugh! Thanks for the info
on how my body works.
I can't stay anyway.
I've got a ton of parties
and raves and shit to go to.
I mean, if I knew earlier
I could've switched stuff
around but--
Oh, thank god. I mean,
I'll, I'll walk you out.
And I'm gonna think hard
about what we spoke about.
(chuckles)
Fuck those douches.
Someday, I will be
the first woman Santa.
Period!
♪
No two are alike ♪
They are their own
special beings ♪
The one thing that
they have in common ♪
Is I love them all the same ♪
Snowflake, snowflake ♪
Snowflake, snowflake ♪
If you commit a crime
I'll give you a dime ♪
To call me anytime ♪
Night or day ♪
Snowflake ♪
I love you all the same ♪
Snowflake ♪
And you, and you
Snowflake ♪
Just kidding, I love
all of you the same.