Strip Law (2026) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
-[sirens wailing]
-[screaming]
-[alarms ringing]
-[man] Don't let that man…
-[woman] Feet pics for sale!
-[man 1] Excuse me, sir! I want corn dog…
[man 2] So, in summary, at 1:00 a.m,
you saw my client leave the erotic buffet.
He recognized you, approached,
and proceeded to tell you that you, quote…
[sighs]
"…made him crazy horny."
And that was when you heard the scream,
and saw at the end of the block
that a different man was, in fact,
throwing up into a baby carriage
containing the plaintiff's baby,
next to two performers
dressed like Elmos and one as, quote,
"That one guy from Michael Clayton.
I think his name was Michael Clayton."
Is that an accurate recounting of events?
And before you answer,
please say yes or no, not
[British accent] Yeah, baby!
That retelling of the incident in question
makes me horny, baby.
[sighs] Therefore, my client
couldn't have been the one to…
-[jingle plays]
-[commentator] Starting ten on…
[lawyer] The one who threw up
on the plaintiff's baby.
-Yeah!
-Don't you dare say, "Yeah, baby."
-[commentator] It's up!
-[juror] Yeah, baby!
[jury cheering]
-Lions, uh… covered the spread.
-[commentator laughing] Oh my God!
Your Honor,
can you at least tell the jurors
to stop yelling
and looking at their phones?
Oh, uh, the jury will stop doing…
whatever he said.
Juror number eight,
could you put away your phone?
I object! It's not a phone.
Whoa! Where'd you get that?
Ugh. No further questions.
-Uh-huh. Yeah, great. Closing arguments!
-[raunchy music playing]
-[cheering and whistling]
-[man] Oh, yeah!
Uh, for the record,
that also makes me horny.
-Baby.
-Ugh.
["Wang Dang" by Bob Destiny playing]
We're not only not gonna settle,
we're gonna counter sue
for their kids' college fund!
-They've hired Nichols and Gumb.
-[all gasp]
Hmm.
-[man] Oh God! No!
-[lawyer sobbing]
Oh!
[groans]
Tell them we'll settle.
Call Nichols and Gumb.
We'll win one for the little guy.
Nichols and Gumb
Are the two things in your pocket ♪
And they'll free you
From the pocket of the law ♪
That's how it used to be,
but now my partner,
Marcia Gumb, she's dead.
[male voice] Dead!
But is my practice dead? Hell, no!
That's why I'm making us more efficient
by firing my dead partner's son,
Lincoln Gumb.
[male voice] Fired!
He sucks. Plus, I've always hated him,
and guess what, Las Vegas?
This commercial is
how he's finding out! [laughs]
So say goodbye to Lincoln
and hello to a big cash settlement
at the new-look law firm
of Steve Nichols and Associates.
He fired Lincoln Gumb ♪
You know, I wish he'd quit airing that ad.
It's been six months.
Yeah, but it's so funny. They fired you
right after Grandma Marcia died.
-That's brutal.
-Shut up, Irene. Go to school.
No! They fear my power.
Why don't you just take him to court?
Hit him
with the old Saskatoon horse trade.
You see, you just hire
the saddest woman you can find,
then you tell the jury she's got scurvy.
And was this the legendary Glem Blorchman
move that got you disbarred?
You know
that's from when I stabbed that guy!
Try some compassion.
Okay, well, since we have no clients
and I'm a failure, I'll be in my office
listening to Dave Matthews Band
and googling pictures of coffins.
Come on, Unkie Link-Link.
It can't be dat bad.
We're out of money.
I've destroyed my mom's legacy.
We're gonna lose the firm.
Glem is gonna have to go live
on that weird millionaire's boat again.
The SS Pain Palace wasn't so bad.
Decent food and a bed, and all I had to do
was fight other desperate men
for the privilege
of seeing another sunrise.
And without this job,
Irene's gonna fall into a bad crowd.
She has absolutely zero sense
of what's good for her.
That's not true! Hey, Glem,
does "palace" have one I or two?
Lincoln, Lincoln.
The firm's not gonna close!
Why, you've been lettin'
a lot of clients slide.
How about me and Irene go
round up what we're owed,
and you can win whatever case
this wet hunk of beef brings us?
Hi, I'm Barry Chandelier.
Here to see Lincoln Gumb.
I've been here the whole time.
I can't pay you.
Your mom took me on pro bono, but then,
you know, that big truck hit her.
-She passed away.
-And her head flew off.
-Yeah.
-I've been calling.
But that scary girl at the front desk
kept threatening me.
Yep. She'll do that. She's a surprisingly
good investigator, though.
Okay. Well, my court date is tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow?
Okay, that's, like, really bad.
But, actually, whatever.
It's not like I have
anything else goin' on.
So let's start at the beginning.
What's the story?
[inhales] Okay, so…
-[music pounding, air horn blares]
-[man] Ladies, gay and bi dudes!
And everyone else!
Sexuality is a spectrum!
[male voice] Spectrum!
[man] Why don't you take the party
on over to the Brushfire Club,
where we've got the studliest hunks
this side of the studinental divide?
Tom Wanks, Rodrigo Vesuvius,
Angry Christopher, Barry Chandelier,
Mr. Ass, Lord Gringlesby,
and Lunchmeat are all waiting for you!
[male voice] Waiting!
[man] These scared young men
are willing to do anything!
Especially on Friday nights,
when for only $50,
these oinky pig boys will
Eat the customers' car keys?
Eat the customers' car keys.
-And people like that?
-Oh yeah.
It drives everyone crazy when me
and the boys chow down on their fobs.
But it's makin' us sick,
and the contracts specifically allow it
with all this crazy legalese.
See?
"We can hurt you however we want,
and you'll beg for more."
Seems needlessly mean.
Look, truth is,
the law isn't really on the side
of the sex workers.
You mean like how it's illegal for us
not to give some of our hair
to anyone who asks?
Yep. And who is representing the club?
Well, you know him. Steve Nichols.
Steve Nichols.
I figured you must hate that guy
after he fired you
when your mom's head… passed away.
Nichols and Gumb
Two things in your pocket ♪
Uh, okay, well, I figure
you probably got a lot of work to do.
So if that's all, I'll see you tomorrow?
They'll free you ♪
They'll free you ♪
[Steve] Just so you know,
the firm is throwing our full weight
behind your case.
Well, that's reassuring.
I know how classy and professional
this organization is.
You bet your ass.
I've used my juice to get
a lot of media coverage on this case.
The news is having a field day.
They're calling it "Stripper eat keys
even though don't want to-gate."
Well, free publicity never killed no dogs.
Ah, yes, that old saying.
Anyway, I want you to know
this case is… personal to me.
If Lincoln Gumb is stupid enough
to step into court against me
while the news is watching,
I'll wipe him off the damn map!
Ooh! It's almost time for dessert.
[panting]
The other naked food lady was booked,
but this dog is also naked
if you think about it.
Wow, yeah. Touché.
[on speaker]
All of the dollies have little shoes ♪
-[switches music off]
-[sighs]
Well, Mom. I'm a disgrace to your legacy.
"You sure are, which is why
now I live in hell, eating bugs."
But Mom, I
"Turns out, instead of a toilet, in hell,
we have to use a hot little volcano."
"It hurts!"
Okay, Mom. I think I'm gonna go get drunk.
"Wait! No! Don't leave me here!"
-[laughter]
-[jazz playing]
Night, Dennis!
[muffled] Goodnight, Lincoln.
[man 1] Hey man, I still want a corn dog!
-[man 2] I want melon shooters!
-[devil cackles]
Juror number eight?
-[music fades]
-All right, keep up, folks!
This ain't one of your Iowa corn-lickin'
festivals. We move fast out here.
-[onlookers gasp]
-Was this your card?
[laughs] Nope.
[magician] Look closer.
-[onlookers] Ooh!
-[clapping]
Also, check your wife's phone.
She's cheatin' on ya.
Hot damn, that's amazing!
When did you even write that?
Uh, now I gotta go. Come on, Darlene.
All right. There's no cops around,
which means it's time for my big finale!
Ma'am, remember when we first started,
I asked you to pick a card
out of this deck?
You remember it, right?
-It was
-Uh-uh-uh!
Kinda the main thing here
is you don't tell me.
Anyway, I already know.
It's a king! King of clubs.
So that's the trick.
Kind of disappointing, right?
But here's the thing. I hate kings.
[onlookers gasp]
Always have.
You! Where'd the bullet stop?
-[cheering and whistling]
-See? That's the thing about kings.
The whole deck is stacked
to keep them from gettin' hurt.
[cheering and laughter]
Damn, juror number eight!
Well, maybe Rodney's better than me
because he doesn't have
to deal with the stress
of running America's
fifth-biggest baby-shoe company!
Rodney's baby-shoe company
is the third biggest!
Exactly!
First on the list, Bob Henderson.
Actually, it's Bob Henderson-Toyota.
Changed his name to match his dealership,
but he didn't quite think it through.
What, you didn't investigate
this guy's case?
-Nope. I was at dead lift camp that week.
-[knuckles crack]
Hey, yeah, what do your parents think
you're doin' all day, anyway?
Uh, I don't know. Stuff?
I guess at school, or interning
for Uncle Linc, or just kind of at large?
They don't even know
that I graduated three years early.
Hot clams! I shoulda been learnin'
the grift from you, not teachin' it.
No way! Where else would I learn
cool slang like "hot clams"?
-Ow.
-So Bob still owes us?
-What did we do for this guy?
-Eh, we helped him settle a lawsuit.
Come on down
to Bob Henderson-Toyota Toyota,
where if you can find a better deal
on a Toyota, you can kill me!
Oh, Glem! Large… girl! How's it goin'?
How it's going
is we need the money you owe us!
Yours was even one of the cases we won,
sort of.
Talked your customer down to a maiming.
Well, the thing is that…
No! No more violence.
I'll go get your money.
That'll do, Hulk.
Wow, 30 bucks.
I can't wait to buy a low-quality jacket
15 years ago.
[clears throat] That trick was
kinda stupid and reckless,
but also really amazing.
Well, that's what plays here.
You can keep it.
I know you. You're juror number eight.
Oh, lawyer guy.
Sorry, I was awake
for very little of that trial.
Neat. I'm Lincoln Gumb.
Sheila Flambé.
Magician and three-year
all-county sex champion.
[buzzing]
Look, I was sure I had that case
wrapped up, but I lost.
How about I buy you a drink,
you tell me where I went wrong?
Well, I won't say no to a free drink,
but I warn you,
I'm not a very critical person.
And not only is your voice annoying
when you tryin' to sound smart,
you are borin' as hell.
The whole trial, I felt like I was at
a funeral for saltine crackers! [chuckles]
Hey, I bet a lot of people would be sad
if saltine crackers died.
Peanut butter for one.
You don't get it, Lincoln.
You're not a New York lawyer.
Or even an Orlando lawyer.
You're a Vegas lawyer,
but you think you're better than Vegas.
I am better than Vegas.
I mean, look at that guy.
Hey, I have feelings.
You know, you're even ruder
than all those bus drivers I murdered.
Let me show you what Vegas is all about.
You know what? Who cares?
No matter what I do, Mom's
still gonna be on the volcano toilet.
[all] Volcano toilet?
Barkeep, two shots of your sweetest,
cheapest, most neon-colored liquor.
What is this? And why was there a picture
of the Unabomber on the bottle?
You're already askin' the wrong questions!
And now to hit the jukebox
with some music that screams,
"Wild night out in Las Vegas!"
["Cleveland Rocks" by The Presidents
of the Unites States of America" playing]
-Eggbert!
-What?
It's a fun song from a show
everyone can enjoy.
Whatever. Let's drink!
It's such a crude attitude ♪
It's back where it belongs ♪
All the little chicks
With the crimson lips ♪
Go "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks" ♪
She's livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪
Goin', "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks" ♪
Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks, oh ♪
Oh, oh ♪
Oh ♪
All the little kids
Growin' up on the skids ♪
And goin', "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks…" ♪
-[moos]
-[laughter]
Hey, are those pills kickin' in?
Cleveland rocks… ♪
[distorted] Follow where Sheila leads!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-Uh…
-I think so.
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[laughing]
-Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
Cleveland rocks ♪
I've got some records
From World War II ♪
I play 'em just like me grandad do ♪
He was a rocker and I am too ♪
-Oh, Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[laughs]
[slowed] I get it!
Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-[Sheila] Whoo!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[Lincoln laughs]
Cleveland rocks… ♪
-Best night ever, baby!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
Come on! I just got the perfect idea
for an ad for you.
-Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[Lincoln] Sheila! About this ad…
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-It kicks ass!
Ohio! Hio, hio, hio
Hio, hio, hio, hio ♪
[Sheila] Looks, I'm pumped
you brought me here,
but why are we eatin' breakfast
at this male strip club
and not the male strip club
two blocks away with the good eggs?
-[rock music playing]
-Because this is probably my last case.
What do you mean, Lincoln?
Lincoln! My mom named me that.
After the tallest,
best lawyer of all time.
Always tried to live up to the name.
I guess it's the name Gumb
I'm having more trouble living up to.
Gumb. Gumb… Oh my God!
Your mom's the, um, um…
Nichols and Gumb,
two things in your pocket! ♪
[laughs] I lost my virginity to that song!
I used to get made fun of for it.
I wanted to be more than a jingle
and a funny billboard.
Well, I was an assistant
for every magic act in town.
Greggs and Roberts, Gustav and Clint,
Johnny Mutant the Hell Genius,
even Lunchmeat.
When I tried to do my own act,
those mystical dickhead magicians
blackballed me from their boys' club.
Now I'm out in the streets,
scrappin' and zappin'.
Scrappin' and zappin' is a thing we say.
Wait, that's stupid.
I saw your act. You were incredible!
You had them eating
out of the palm of your… your, uh…
What? Ass? Were you gonna say
I had 'em eatin' out the palm of my ass?
Why would you say that?
I've got my mom's lawyer smarts.
You've got her razzle-matazzle.
Together, we could…
-Expunge my lewdness charge!
-…come together to be my mom!
Wait a minute,
how is yours grosser than mine?
Join my firm as my, I don't know,
creative director! Let's team up!
Finally, dude! Yes, obviously.
I need a job that pays
more than $30 a day.
Also, you seem okay or whatever.
-Partners?
-Partners.
-[bang]
-[screams]
[chuckles] The old explodin' handshake.
I've been waitin' all night to do that.
Very amusing. Now, let's get down…
[screams]
So what's this big case?
One sec. Let me get the team here.
We have a team? Are any of them
broad-shouldered young Danish men?
Fresh off the tree farm,
naive to our American ways?
-Perhaps in need of a firm older hand to
-[ringing tone]
-No. What? No!
-Go for Glem.
Irene, Glem, meet Sheila Flambé.
She's a magician I got drunk with
and now she's gonna join our law firm.
-Yeah, makes sense.
-Sure.
And here's what we're dealing with.
Their car keys? Do people like that?
Yeah, baby! Oh, hey, Sheila.
-Hey, Lunchmeat.
-Okay. So here's my plan.
When the courthouse opens,
I'm gonna march right up to the judge
and ask for more time to prepare a case.
Lincoln!
It's almost like you learned nothing
from gettin' blackout drunk
and dressin' like a giant baby.
These jurors,
they walk by two burnin' pirate ships,
ten dancin' fountains, and a dead clown
on their morning commutes.
They're not gonna be impressed by some
hundred-year-old laws in a moldy old book.
Wait. Spectacle? Hundred-year-old laws?
-I think I know how we're gonna win.
-How?
I'm going shopping.
-[air horn blares]
-["Wang Dang" playing]
Mr. Gumb, we've been waiting for you,
and I would be really mad
if you didn't look so awesome!
Hi, Your Honor. Thank you.
Hello, Lincoln. Where have you been?
Your dead mom's grave? 'Cause she's dead.
-Uh…
-Eat piss, butt-wad!
Yeah, eat piss!
-Piss? Butt-wad?
-[air horn blares]
I'm bored! Opening arguments.
-Who wants to go first? Uh, how about you?
-Happy to.
Ladies and gentlemen, and maybe a few
not-so-ladies and gentlemen, of the jury…
[jurors giggle]
My opponent is going to try
to cloud your brains
with a bunch of boring old laws
and woke mind documents,
but he can't change one thing.
You know me, from the TV!
-[jury] Ooh.
-[juror] He is from the TV!
And you know that after 30 years,
I would never steer you wrong.
We're the good guys.
They're the bad guys. End of story.
-Get used to it!
-[jury cheering] Yeah!
Born loser.
[juror] Oh, that was good!
My fellow Vegasians.
Vegassians? Vegasians.
We have a saying where I'm from.
The law is a lot like the Unabomber.
Misunderstood, probably
a little too harsh in its methods,
but, at the end of the day,
it makes a damn fine
neon-purple ultra-gin.
[juror] Now I like this guy too.
[air horn blares]
How many keys were you forced to eat
last Friday?
A stripper's dozen.
And how many is that?
[whimpering] Thirty-four. It's 34 keys.
-Thank you, you brave man.
-[jury] Aw!
And can you read from section three,
line 42 of your contract?
"You've got to eat the keys, my guy.
You've simply got to do it."
-But this is
-No further questions.
Stop dodging the question, Doctor.
Should people eat car keys?
No. No, damn it. They should not.
And do you specialize in nutrition?
In problems of the stomach?
No. I'm just a simple brain surgeon.
-[jurors gasp]
-[sobs]
Yes. Kids in my school keep gettin' sick.
We don't know any better.
We're all eatin' keys,
tryin' to be sophisticated
like the fancy dancing men.
One girl died.
-She was blonde and everything.
-[outraged clamoring]
-[air horn blares]
-Order! Order in court! Order!
Well, this certainly has been
a legal battle for the ages.
Let's see those closing arguments,
but first, how about a round of applause
for these boys, huh?
-[cheering]
-Do you have it?
Yep, here's the gun
you had me smuggle into the courtroom.
And the book's almost ready.
Just remember to cue me.
Also, I'm gonna tell you now
so you can't yell at me.
Me and Irene collected
all the money we're owed,
but then we spent it
on these cool gold watches.
Let's go! I gotta see how this ends!
Lincoln, you've got him eatin'
out the palm of your ass.
Go kill the king!
Yeah, Lincoln. Go. Kill the king.
Steve, I don't know what your problem is
with me or my mom, but I do know this.
Shut up!
Cowboys and cowgirls of the jury,
I wanna tell y'all a tale
of our little city here.
Picture a bunch of vaqueros
sat around a campfire under a starry sky.
"What do you think, compadres?"
"This parcel of land look
suitable-like for a town?"
"I reckon it do, Papi."
"A wonderful town where a fella
can get all the sins out of his body,
so's that God won't kill him
with lightnin'."
[groans] "I'm dyin', hoss."
[spaghetti Western music playing]
"Take my six-shooter."
"And remember why we founded this town."
"Remember the spirit of Las…"
[coughs]
"…Vegas."
The spirit of Las Vegas.
A place where any old gun sling in' buckaroo
with a few coins can do any old thing.
Well, anything except…
-[dramatic music playing]
-[jury gasping]
-[all gasp]
-[juror] Oh!
Ma'am, would you mind
reading the unbreakable bulletproof law
that stopped my incredible shot?
"Furthermore,
under protection of Strip Law,
no man may ever be compelled
to perform any act
that brings pleasure
to a woman in any way."
Ladies and gentlemen,
I rest my rootin'-tootin' case.
-[Glem] Hot clams!
-[cheering]
Holy crap! That kicked ass!
We don't even need to hear
from the other guy. Cowboy wins!
-What?
-The jury agrees!
No!
I hereby award the plaintiff
one million dollars.
Now release the confetti
we save for special occasions!
[burst of rock music]
[woman] And that was the scene earlier
at the dramatic conclusion
of the Stripper-eat-keys-
even-though-don't-want-to-gate trial.
Strip clubs all over the city
are checking their contracts
for similar abusive language,
bettering working conditions
for all our city's heroic dancers.
Some bystanders complained
about the trial,
asking questions like,
"When was the jury chosen
if the lawyers didn't know
about the case until the day before?"
"Why didn't Lincoln have to enter
anything into evidence?"
And "Wasn't this all a bit much?
You can't fire a gun in a courtroom."
But they were quickly labeled
uptight nerds
and told to sit their candy asses down.
In other news,
there's a new commercial! [gasps]
[Sheila] For too long,
Vegas has been a graveyard
where truth goes to die.
[cackling]
[Sheila] But now, ever since
he beat the evil Steve Nichols
to save our innocent dancers
from key poisoning,
Lincoln Gumb has been helping
the poor and desperate of Las Vegas.
[rock music playing]
[yells]
I'm Lincoln [bleep] Gumb,
and I will fight for you!
[Lincoln] "My son is a good lawyer,
so I can go to heaven now."
The gears of justice will chew you up ♪
Call Lincoln Gumb
and he'll Gumb up the works! ♪
[theme music playing]
Chirp.
-[sirens wailing]
-[screaming]
-[alarms ringing]
-[man] Don't let that man…
-[woman] Feet pics for sale!
-[man 1] Excuse me, sir! I want corn dog…
[man 2] So, in summary, at 1:00 a.m,
you saw my client leave the erotic buffet.
He recognized you, approached,
and proceeded to tell you that you, quote…
[sighs]
"…made him crazy horny."
And that was when you heard the scream,
and saw at the end of the block
that a different man was, in fact,
throwing up into a baby carriage
containing the plaintiff's baby,
next to two performers
dressed like Elmos and one as, quote,
"That one guy from Michael Clayton.
I think his name was Michael Clayton."
Is that an accurate recounting of events?
And before you answer,
please say yes or no, not
[British accent] Yeah, baby!
That retelling of the incident in question
makes me horny, baby.
[sighs] Therefore, my client
couldn't have been the one to…
-[jingle plays]
-[commentator] Starting ten on…
[lawyer] The one who threw up
on the plaintiff's baby.
-Yeah!
-Don't you dare say, "Yeah, baby."
-[commentator] It's up!
-[juror] Yeah, baby!
[jury cheering]
-Lions, uh… covered the spread.
-[commentator laughing] Oh my God!
Your Honor,
can you at least tell the jurors
to stop yelling
and looking at their phones?
Oh, uh, the jury will stop doing…
whatever he said.
Juror number eight,
could you put away your phone?
I object! It's not a phone.
Whoa! Where'd you get that?
Ugh. No further questions.
-Uh-huh. Yeah, great. Closing arguments!
-[raunchy music playing]
-[cheering and whistling]
-[man] Oh, yeah!
Uh, for the record,
that also makes me horny.
-Baby.
-Ugh.
["Wang Dang" by Bob Destiny playing]
We're not only not gonna settle,
we're gonna counter sue
for their kids' college fund!
-They've hired Nichols and Gumb.
-[all gasp]
Hmm.
-[man] Oh God! No!
-[lawyer sobbing]
Oh!
[groans]
Tell them we'll settle.
Call Nichols and Gumb.
We'll win one for the little guy.
Nichols and Gumb
Are the two things in your pocket ♪
And they'll free you
From the pocket of the law ♪
That's how it used to be,
but now my partner,
Marcia Gumb, she's dead.
[male voice] Dead!
But is my practice dead? Hell, no!
That's why I'm making us more efficient
by firing my dead partner's son,
Lincoln Gumb.
[male voice] Fired!
He sucks. Plus, I've always hated him,
and guess what, Las Vegas?
This commercial is
how he's finding out! [laughs]
So say goodbye to Lincoln
and hello to a big cash settlement
at the new-look law firm
of Steve Nichols and Associates.
He fired Lincoln Gumb ♪
You know, I wish he'd quit airing that ad.
It's been six months.
Yeah, but it's so funny. They fired you
right after Grandma Marcia died.
-That's brutal.
-Shut up, Irene. Go to school.
No! They fear my power.
Why don't you just take him to court?
Hit him
with the old Saskatoon horse trade.
You see, you just hire
the saddest woman you can find,
then you tell the jury she's got scurvy.
And was this the legendary Glem Blorchman
move that got you disbarred?
You know
that's from when I stabbed that guy!
Try some compassion.
Okay, well, since we have no clients
and I'm a failure, I'll be in my office
listening to Dave Matthews Band
and googling pictures of coffins.
Come on, Unkie Link-Link.
It can't be dat bad.
We're out of money.
I've destroyed my mom's legacy.
We're gonna lose the firm.
Glem is gonna have to go live
on that weird millionaire's boat again.
The SS Pain Palace wasn't so bad.
Decent food and a bed, and all I had to do
was fight other desperate men
for the privilege
of seeing another sunrise.
And without this job,
Irene's gonna fall into a bad crowd.
She has absolutely zero sense
of what's good for her.
That's not true! Hey, Glem,
does "palace" have one I or two?
Lincoln, Lincoln.
The firm's not gonna close!
Why, you've been lettin'
a lot of clients slide.
How about me and Irene go
round up what we're owed,
and you can win whatever case
this wet hunk of beef brings us?
Hi, I'm Barry Chandelier.
Here to see Lincoln Gumb.
I've been here the whole time.
I can't pay you.
Your mom took me on pro bono, but then,
you know, that big truck hit her.
-She passed away.
-And her head flew off.
-Yeah.
-I've been calling.
But that scary girl at the front desk
kept threatening me.
Yep. She'll do that. She's a surprisingly
good investigator, though.
Okay. Well, my court date is tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow?
Okay, that's, like, really bad.
But, actually, whatever.
It's not like I have
anything else goin' on.
So let's start at the beginning.
What's the story?
[inhales] Okay, so…
-[music pounding, air horn blares]
-[man] Ladies, gay and bi dudes!
And everyone else!
Sexuality is a spectrum!
[male voice] Spectrum!
[man] Why don't you take the party
on over to the Brushfire Club,
where we've got the studliest hunks
this side of the studinental divide?
Tom Wanks, Rodrigo Vesuvius,
Angry Christopher, Barry Chandelier,
Mr. Ass, Lord Gringlesby,
and Lunchmeat are all waiting for you!
[male voice] Waiting!
[man] These scared young men
are willing to do anything!
Especially on Friday nights,
when for only $50,
these oinky pig boys will
Eat the customers' car keys?
Eat the customers' car keys.
-And people like that?
-Oh yeah.
It drives everyone crazy when me
and the boys chow down on their fobs.
But it's makin' us sick,
and the contracts specifically allow it
with all this crazy legalese.
See?
"We can hurt you however we want,
and you'll beg for more."
Seems needlessly mean.
Look, truth is,
the law isn't really on the side
of the sex workers.
You mean like how it's illegal for us
not to give some of our hair
to anyone who asks?
Yep. And who is representing the club?
Well, you know him. Steve Nichols.
Steve Nichols.
I figured you must hate that guy
after he fired you
when your mom's head… passed away.
Nichols and Gumb
Two things in your pocket ♪
Uh, okay, well, I figure
you probably got a lot of work to do.
So if that's all, I'll see you tomorrow?
They'll free you ♪
They'll free you ♪
[Steve] Just so you know,
the firm is throwing our full weight
behind your case.
Well, that's reassuring.
I know how classy and professional
this organization is.
You bet your ass.
I've used my juice to get
a lot of media coverage on this case.
The news is having a field day.
They're calling it "Stripper eat keys
even though don't want to-gate."
Well, free publicity never killed no dogs.
Ah, yes, that old saying.
Anyway, I want you to know
this case is… personal to me.
If Lincoln Gumb is stupid enough
to step into court against me
while the news is watching,
I'll wipe him off the damn map!
Ooh! It's almost time for dessert.
[panting]
The other naked food lady was booked,
but this dog is also naked
if you think about it.
Wow, yeah. Touché.
[on speaker]
All of the dollies have little shoes ♪
-[switches music off]
-[sighs]
Well, Mom. I'm a disgrace to your legacy.
"You sure are, which is why
now I live in hell, eating bugs."
But Mom, I
"Turns out, instead of a toilet, in hell,
we have to use a hot little volcano."
"It hurts!"
Okay, Mom. I think I'm gonna go get drunk.
"Wait! No! Don't leave me here!"
-[laughter]
-[jazz playing]
Night, Dennis!
[muffled] Goodnight, Lincoln.
[man 1] Hey man, I still want a corn dog!
-[man 2] I want melon shooters!
-[devil cackles]
Juror number eight?
-[music fades]
-All right, keep up, folks!
This ain't one of your Iowa corn-lickin'
festivals. We move fast out here.
-[onlookers gasp]
-Was this your card?
[laughs] Nope.
[magician] Look closer.
-[onlookers] Ooh!
-[clapping]
Also, check your wife's phone.
She's cheatin' on ya.
Hot damn, that's amazing!
When did you even write that?
Uh, now I gotta go. Come on, Darlene.
All right. There's no cops around,
which means it's time for my big finale!
Ma'am, remember when we first started,
I asked you to pick a card
out of this deck?
You remember it, right?
-It was
-Uh-uh-uh!
Kinda the main thing here
is you don't tell me.
Anyway, I already know.
It's a king! King of clubs.
So that's the trick.
Kind of disappointing, right?
But here's the thing. I hate kings.
[onlookers gasp]
Always have.
You! Where'd the bullet stop?
-[cheering and whistling]
-See? That's the thing about kings.
The whole deck is stacked
to keep them from gettin' hurt.
[cheering and laughter]
Damn, juror number eight!
Well, maybe Rodney's better than me
because he doesn't have
to deal with the stress
of running America's
fifth-biggest baby-shoe company!
Rodney's baby-shoe company
is the third biggest!
Exactly!
First on the list, Bob Henderson.
Actually, it's Bob Henderson-Toyota.
Changed his name to match his dealership,
but he didn't quite think it through.
What, you didn't investigate
this guy's case?
-Nope. I was at dead lift camp that week.
-[knuckles crack]
Hey, yeah, what do your parents think
you're doin' all day, anyway?
Uh, I don't know. Stuff?
I guess at school, or interning
for Uncle Linc, or just kind of at large?
They don't even know
that I graduated three years early.
Hot clams! I shoulda been learnin'
the grift from you, not teachin' it.
No way! Where else would I learn
cool slang like "hot clams"?
-Ow.
-So Bob still owes us?
-What did we do for this guy?
-Eh, we helped him settle a lawsuit.
Come on down
to Bob Henderson-Toyota Toyota,
where if you can find a better deal
on a Toyota, you can kill me!
Oh, Glem! Large… girl! How's it goin'?
How it's going
is we need the money you owe us!
Yours was even one of the cases we won,
sort of.
Talked your customer down to a maiming.
Well, the thing is that…
No! No more violence.
I'll go get your money.
That'll do, Hulk.
Wow, 30 bucks.
I can't wait to buy a low-quality jacket
15 years ago.
[clears throat] That trick was
kinda stupid and reckless,
but also really amazing.
Well, that's what plays here.
You can keep it.
I know you. You're juror number eight.
Oh, lawyer guy.
Sorry, I was awake
for very little of that trial.
Neat. I'm Lincoln Gumb.
Sheila Flambé.
Magician and three-year
all-county sex champion.
[buzzing]
Look, I was sure I had that case
wrapped up, but I lost.
How about I buy you a drink,
you tell me where I went wrong?
Well, I won't say no to a free drink,
but I warn you,
I'm not a very critical person.
And not only is your voice annoying
when you tryin' to sound smart,
you are borin' as hell.
The whole trial, I felt like I was at
a funeral for saltine crackers! [chuckles]
Hey, I bet a lot of people would be sad
if saltine crackers died.
Peanut butter for one.
You don't get it, Lincoln.
You're not a New York lawyer.
Or even an Orlando lawyer.
You're a Vegas lawyer,
but you think you're better than Vegas.
I am better than Vegas.
I mean, look at that guy.
Hey, I have feelings.
You know, you're even ruder
than all those bus drivers I murdered.
Let me show you what Vegas is all about.
You know what? Who cares?
No matter what I do, Mom's
still gonna be on the volcano toilet.
[all] Volcano toilet?
Barkeep, two shots of your sweetest,
cheapest, most neon-colored liquor.
What is this? And why was there a picture
of the Unabomber on the bottle?
You're already askin' the wrong questions!
And now to hit the jukebox
with some music that screams,
"Wild night out in Las Vegas!"
["Cleveland Rocks" by The Presidents
of the Unites States of America" playing]
-Eggbert!
-What?
It's a fun song from a show
everyone can enjoy.
Whatever. Let's drink!
It's such a crude attitude ♪
It's back where it belongs ♪
All the little chicks
With the crimson lips ♪
Go "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks" ♪
She's livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪
Goin', "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks" ♪
Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks, oh ♪
Oh, oh ♪
Oh ♪
All the little kids
Growin' up on the skids ♪
And goin', "Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks…" ♪
-[moos]
-[laughter]
Hey, are those pills kickin' in?
Cleveland rocks… ♪
[distorted] Follow where Sheila leads!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-Uh…
-I think so.
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[laughing]
-Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
Cleveland rocks ♪
I've got some records
From World War II ♪
I play 'em just like me grandad do ♪
He was a rocker and I am too ♪
-Oh, Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[laughs]
[slowed] I get it!
Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-[Sheila] Whoo!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[Lincoln laughs]
Cleveland rocks… ♪
-Best night ever, baby!
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
Come on! I just got the perfect idea
for an ad for you.
-Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks ♪
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-[Lincoln] Sheila! About this ad…
-Cleveland rocks… ♪
-It kicks ass!
Ohio! Hio, hio, hio
Hio, hio, hio, hio ♪
[Sheila] Looks, I'm pumped
you brought me here,
but why are we eatin' breakfast
at this male strip club
and not the male strip club
two blocks away with the good eggs?
-[rock music playing]
-Because this is probably my last case.
What do you mean, Lincoln?
Lincoln! My mom named me that.
After the tallest,
best lawyer of all time.
Always tried to live up to the name.
I guess it's the name Gumb
I'm having more trouble living up to.
Gumb. Gumb… Oh my God!
Your mom's the, um, um…
Nichols and Gumb,
two things in your pocket! ♪
[laughs] I lost my virginity to that song!
I used to get made fun of for it.
I wanted to be more than a jingle
and a funny billboard.
Well, I was an assistant
for every magic act in town.
Greggs and Roberts, Gustav and Clint,
Johnny Mutant the Hell Genius,
even Lunchmeat.
When I tried to do my own act,
those mystical dickhead magicians
blackballed me from their boys' club.
Now I'm out in the streets,
scrappin' and zappin'.
Scrappin' and zappin' is a thing we say.
Wait, that's stupid.
I saw your act. You were incredible!
You had them eating
out of the palm of your… your, uh…
What? Ass? Were you gonna say
I had 'em eatin' out the palm of my ass?
Why would you say that?
I've got my mom's lawyer smarts.
You've got her razzle-matazzle.
Together, we could…
-Expunge my lewdness charge!
-…come together to be my mom!
Wait a minute,
how is yours grosser than mine?
Join my firm as my, I don't know,
creative director! Let's team up!
Finally, dude! Yes, obviously.
I need a job that pays
more than $30 a day.
Also, you seem okay or whatever.
-Partners?
-Partners.
-[bang]
-[screams]
[chuckles] The old explodin' handshake.
I've been waitin' all night to do that.
Very amusing. Now, let's get down…
[screams]
So what's this big case?
One sec. Let me get the team here.
We have a team? Are any of them
broad-shouldered young Danish men?
Fresh off the tree farm,
naive to our American ways?
-Perhaps in need of a firm older hand to
-[ringing tone]
-No. What? No!
-Go for Glem.
Irene, Glem, meet Sheila Flambé.
She's a magician I got drunk with
and now she's gonna join our law firm.
-Yeah, makes sense.
-Sure.
And here's what we're dealing with.
Their car keys? Do people like that?
Yeah, baby! Oh, hey, Sheila.
-Hey, Lunchmeat.
-Okay. So here's my plan.
When the courthouse opens,
I'm gonna march right up to the judge
and ask for more time to prepare a case.
Lincoln!
It's almost like you learned nothing
from gettin' blackout drunk
and dressin' like a giant baby.
These jurors,
they walk by two burnin' pirate ships,
ten dancin' fountains, and a dead clown
on their morning commutes.
They're not gonna be impressed by some
hundred-year-old laws in a moldy old book.
Wait. Spectacle? Hundred-year-old laws?
-I think I know how we're gonna win.
-How?
I'm going shopping.
-[air horn blares]
-["Wang Dang" playing]
Mr. Gumb, we've been waiting for you,
and I would be really mad
if you didn't look so awesome!
Hi, Your Honor. Thank you.
Hello, Lincoln. Where have you been?
Your dead mom's grave? 'Cause she's dead.
-Uh…
-Eat piss, butt-wad!
Yeah, eat piss!
-Piss? Butt-wad?
-[air horn blares]
I'm bored! Opening arguments.
-Who wants to go first? Uh, how about you?
-Happy to.
Ladies and gentlemen, and maybe a few
not-so-ladies and gentlemen, of the jury…
[jurors giggle]
My opponent is going to try
to cloud your brains
with a bunch of boring old laws
and woke mind documents,
but he can't change one thing.
You know me, from the TV!
-[jury] Ooh.
-[juror] He is from the TV!
And you know that after 30 years,
I would never steer you wrong.
We're the good guys.
They're the bad guys. End of story.
-Get used to it!
-[jury cheering] Yeah!
Born loser.
[juror] Oh, that was good!
My fellow Vegasians.
Vegassians? Vegasians.
We have a saying where I'm from.
The law is a lot like the Unabomber.
Misunderstood, probably
a little too harsh in its methods,
but, at the end of the day,
it makes a damn fine
neon-purple ultra-gin.
[juror] Now I like this guy too.
[air horn blares]
How many keys were you forced to eat
last Friday?
A stripper's dozen.
And how many is that?
[whimpering] Thirty-four. It's 34 keys.
-Thank you, you brave man.
-[jury] Aw!
And can you read from section three,
line 42 of your contract?
"You've got to eat the keys, my guy.
You've simply got to do it."
-But this is
-No further questions.
Stop dodging the question, Doctor.
Should people eat car keys?
No. No, damn it. They should not.
And do you specialize in nutrition?
In problems of the stomach?
No. I'm just a simple brain surgeon.
-[jurors gasp]
-[sobs]
Yes. Kids in my school keep gettin' sick.
We don't know any better.
We're all eatin' keys,
tryin' to be sophisticated
like the fancy dancing men.
One girl died.
-She was blonde and everything.
-[outraged clamoring]
-[air horn blares]
-Order! Order in court! Order!
Well, this certainly has been
a legal battle for the ages.
Let's see those closing arguments,
but first, how about a round of applause
for these boys, huh?
-[cheering]
-Do you have it?
Yep, here's the gun
you had me smuggle into the courtroom.
And the book's almost ready.
Just remember to cue me.
Also, I'm gonna tell you now
so you can't yell at me.
Me and Irene collected
all the money we're owed,
but then we spent it
on these cool gold watches.
Let's go! I gotta see how this ends!
Lincoln, you've got him eatin'
out the palm of your ass.
Go kill the king!
Yeah, Lincoln. Go. Kill the king.
Steve, I don't know what your problem is
with me or my mom, but I do know this.
Shut up!
Cowboys and cowgirls of the jury,
I wanna tell y'all a tale
of our little city here.
Picture a bunch of vaqueros
sat around a campfire under a starry sky.
"What do you think, compadres?"
"This parcel of land look
suitable-like for a town?"
"I reckon it do, Papi."
"A wonderful town where a fella
can get all the sins out of his body,
so's that God won't kill him
with lightnin'."
[groans] "I'm dyin', hoss."
[spaghetti Western music playing]
"Take my six-shooter."
"And remember why we founded this town."
"Remember the spirit of Las…"
[coughs]
"…Vegas."
The spirit of Las Vegas.
A place where any old gun sling in' buckaroo
with a few coins can do any old thing.
Well, anything except…
-[dramatic music playing]
-[jury gasping]
-[all gasp]
-[juror] Oh!
Ma'am, would you mind
reading the unbreakable bulletproof law
that stopped my incredible shot?
"Furthermore,
under protection of Strip Law,
no man may ever be compelled
to perform any act
that brings pleasure
to a woman in any way."
Ladies and gentlemen,
I rest my rootin'-tootin' case.
-[Glem] Hot clams!
-[cheering]
Holy crap! That kicked ass!
We don't even need to hear
from the other guy. Cowboy wins!
-What?
-The jury agrees!
No!
I hereby award the plaintiff
one million dollars.
Now release the confetti
we save for special occasions!
[burst of rock music]
[woman] And that was the scene earlier
at the dramatic conclusion
of the Stripper-eat-keys-
even-though-don't-want-to-gate trial.
Strip clubs all over the city
are checking their contracts
for similar abusive language,
bettering working conditions
for all our city's heroic dancers.
Some bystanders complained
about the trial,
asking questions like,
"When was the jury chosen
if the lawyers didn't know
about the case until the day before?"
"Why didn't Lincoln have to enter
anything into evidence?"
And "Wasn't this all a bit much?
You can't fire a gun in a courtroom."
But they were quickly labeled
uptight nerds
and told to sit their candy asses down.
In other news,
there's a new commercial! [gasps]
[Sheila] For too long,
Vegas has been a graveyard
where truth goes to die.
[cackling]
[Sheila] But now, ever since
he beat the evil Steve Nichols
to save our innocent dancers
from key poisoning,
Lincoln Gumb has been helping
the poor and desperate of Las Vegas.
[rock music playing]
[yells]
I'm Lincoln [bleep] Gumb,
and I will fight for you!
[Lincoln] "My son is a good lawyer,
so I can go to heaven now."
The gears of justice will chew you up ♪
Call Lincoln Gumb
and he'll Gumb up the works! ♪
[theme music playing]
Chirp.