Tales of the Walking Dead (2022) s01e01 Episode Script
Evie; Joe
1
♪
♪
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
JOE: Murray catches a screen pass
ANNOUNCER: Murray
catches a screen pass
and slides through
the Wolverine defense
- for 34 yards.
- and slides through
the Wolverine defense for 34 yards.
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
Again? Why you always gotta take a leak
on this weak-ass defense?
[SIGHS] Man.
♪
♪
We're a go to pee.
[GILLIGAN BARKS QUIETLY]
♪
♪
You know, Gilligan, some
things are still nice, huh?
♪
♪
♪
Go. Here we go.
Touchdown! Yeah!
- Yes! Yes!
- [GILLIGAN BARKS]
That's how we do it!
I know. Crazy.
♪
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
Gotta keep the old noggin sharp.
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
The hell?
[SIGHS] Gilly.
There's nothing wrong
with getting older.
Come on. Let's finish this outside.
♪
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
[GILLIGAN GROWLS]
I hear 'em, Gilly.
[GILLIGAN BARKS]
♪
[GILLIGAN BARKS]
Easy, Gilly. We don't want more coming.
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
[GILLIGAN YELPS]
♪
No! No!
♪
♪
♪
♪
[WHISTLE BLOWS, CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
♪
♪
♪
Aah!
♪
JOE: "Hey, USHLDBSCRD.
[you should be scared]
What'll happen first:
the world ends or I pay off my shelter?"
USHLDBSCRD: "DotTheEye,
my hubs would leave me
if he knew I upgraded
to a platinum bunker."
JOE: "My sister thinks
I'm too depressed."
USHLDBSCRD: "Let me tell ya,
she's the one who is not
seeing things clearly.
You and I, we're just getting ready.
My husband, Tom, he passed last month.
I'm alone now."
JOE: "I'm so sorry.
But you got me. Digitally, at least."
USHLDBSCRD: "You're the
only one who gets me.
Let's meet IRL."
"I feel the same.
But meeting?"
USHLDBSCRD: "Are you afraid?"
Goddamn coward.
USHLDBSCRD: "I'm surrounded
by Wolverine fans.
Lots of factory boys here."
♪
♪
[DOOR SHUTS]
♪
♪
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS QUIETLY]
You made it.
When everybody else didn't.
The hell you doing?
♪
♪
Should've gone underground.
♪
[TIRES HISSING]
Shit!
♪
Oh!
[BELL RINGING]
[WALKER GROWLING]
♪
♪
May your next life be blessed.
- [BELL RINGING]
- Hey.
You're ringing a dinner
bell for the toe-tags.
All right, you got a blade?
Tell me. I'm not looking
to open up an artery here.
Yours or mine.
Oh.
A switchblade. Quaint.
Couldn't reach it, huh?
Too much time on
weights instead of core?
My core is fine.
It's your tight-ass net.
What the hell is this thing?
Well, put these on,
and I'll let you down.
And if I don't?
I can leave. Your choice.
Cuffed and sheltered, or human piñata?
♪
EVIE: This couldn't have
happened at a better time.
The weather's still good,
and honestly, you answered my prayers.
Now, I don't want you to
feel that, when I leave,
that you got a raw deal.
This place is end-times-ready.
There's a greenhouse
on a greywater system,
with lots of organic vegetables.
Although, I know everything's
organic now, right?
But, you know, we were
organic before that.
We also have a ton of weed plants.
Natch. It's one of my hobbies.
Look, I don't want to be too Pollyanna,
but if there was ever an ideal situation
to have your bike stolen,
I mean, this is it.
Good luck driving it.
Oh, you think because I
have two X chromosomes,
I can't handle a hog? [CHUCKLES]
I've had worse between my legs.
It's got a kill switch.
Designed by moi.
And now I know, so I'll
figure it out, monsieur.
But you won't.
Well, then you just became
my involuntary chauffeur.
Once you get me to wherever I
need to go, you can take off.
Besides it's not a request.
That doesn't seem like
a vegan's kind of gun.
Well, I haven't gone vegan yet.
Why do you want to leave here anyway?
Why did you leave your place?
How do you know I had one?
Because you're clean.
And your bike has some
pretty impressive mods,
which would have been hard to
do after the world went down.
Am I warm?
Which is why I'm still here kickin'
and most everyone else isn't.
No one believed this could happen.
No one ever thinks
bad things will happen.
But I was prepared,
and I made sure I stayed far enough away
so nobody who wasn't
couldn't come crying to me.
Happy story, Mr. Sunshine.
You just holed up with
your protein powder?
All right.
Ready to go.
What's your name?
I don't think you want
me to come up with one.
The nickname "P.P." is the only
thing coming to mind right now,
so
Joe.
Joe.
Joe. Well
This is a gift for you.
Come here. Okay.
What the hell is this?
Well, I'm hoping it dispels
some of your bad vibes. Yeah.
I-I find that negative
energy has a tendency
to draw negative
energy, so just, like
- New age hippy bullshit.
- Oh, dear.
Well, I didn't want to judge
a prepper by its cover, but
I'll say this, you do
a decent clove hitch.
You got a father in the military?
Oh, you mean the net? No.
I just took a macramé
intensive in Big Sur once.
I actually can't believe it worked.
You were so tight in there.
All right, we got a big
drive tomorrow. Rest up.
♪
Okay. In half a mile,
you'll want to take
a small unmarked road to your left.
I'm not deviating from my route.
Well, then you'll be driving
straight into another trap.
More than half the roads here
are either blown out or flooded.
I know which ones.
I mean, truth is, you're lucky I'm here.
So, what, I'm supposed to be grateful?
♪
- Hey.
- Jesus.
There's a sun glare, trigger finger.
Keep your hands on the steering.
♪
Hey, you're a Doberman guy?
Indeed.
I used to work at an
animal shelter once.
Super cool dogs, and sharp, loyal.
So dope.
♪
Yeah.
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
♪
♪
♪
♪
Why are you stopping?
Mother nature calls.
Are you serious?
Sorry. You'll have to make do.
Thank you.
- I used to love driving.
- [PEEING]
I had a convertible
Saab my aunt gave me.
I lived with the top down.
Do you mind? I need to concentrate.
[PEEING CONTINUES]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
Okay, so, in six miles,
you're gonna want to
[CHARLIE PRIDE'S "KISS AN
ANGEL GOOD MORNIN'"PLAYING]
Some of them never
learn it's a simple thing ♪
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
Whenever I've chance to meet ♪
Some old friends on
the street, they wonder ♪
[OFF-KEY] How does a
man get to be this way? ♪
I've always got a smilin' face ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Love her like the devil
when you get back ho ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And let her know you think
about her when you're gone ♪
You're gonna nick the
blade up doing it like that.
You need to do it in one smooth motion.
I've had no problems
killing toe-tags yet.
[SMOOTH SCRAPING]
You know, you wouldn't
have to do everything alone
if you exercised a little trust.
I worked construction.
I know things.
I'd like to, Joe, but
what do I know about you?
You worked construction. Allegedly.
You can pimp out a bike? Maybe.
You will butcher a Charlie
Pride song? Definitely.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the hell are you doing?
Seeing who you are.
Very prepared.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it.
Stop it.
You want me to trust you.
People only carry important things now.
Put that away, you nosy bitch.
Why? What am I gonna find in here?
Do you have friends waiting
for me along the route?
Worse?
[PAPER RUSTLING]
"We see eye to eye on so much.
We don't think the
world is going to shit.
We're not crazy.
We're just prepared
because we're survivors.
I wish we lived closer.
But hope is the thing with feathers."
Puppies and poetry?
Who are you?
♪
None of your business.
♪
You're right.
I'm sorry.
♪
You know, if it makes
you feel any better,
I'm on the road for love, too.
In a way.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
See, Joe?
Just when I think there's nothing left,
the world reminds me
there's still magic.
[SCOFFS] There's no magic.
You're holding a Glock on me,
and we just saw two dead people
stumbling around with
maggots on their faces.
♪
I'm sorry.
Some things are still nice.
♪
[BELLS JINGLING]
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
You got to let me fight.
Evie, listen to that.
It's coming from all sides.
Take off the cuffs.
♪
[HERD CONTINUES GROWLING]
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
♪
Joe!
[GRUNTS]
♪
♪
[GROWLING STOPS]
[BOTH PANTING]
Damn. You study martial arts?
Capoeira.
Sounds like a drink.
It's Brazilian.
Someone took its heart out.
I hope it happened after they turned.
May your next lives be blessed.
♪
I love you in bracelets, but
♪
Should we hit the road?
You in the mood to drive?
[CHUCKLES]
You've got to ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And love her like the
devil when you get back home ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And let her know you think
about her when you're gone ♪
♪
JOE: Ooh!
Hit the lotto.
Thank you to the worker
with a weak spot for the bourbon.
Oh. Enjoy. I don't drink.
Just weed.
Mm. You like orange juice?
From what I remember.
Well, I don't have the real stuff.
I have the powder in my bag.
Here.
Have at.
So
where exactly am I taking you?
Mount Pleasant.
No kidding.
That's less than 10 miles
from where I'm headed.
I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
The fact that we came
into each other's lives.
That's the universe
showing us more magic.
"The Universe"?
You really think "The
Universe" gives a shit about us?
Why do you waste your time on that crap?
You've got great survivor skills,
and you are an equipped woman
prepared to handle this shit.
The Universe made me into this.
I mean, I didn't have
it together before.
I mean, everybody around me
family, friends, my husband
all of them, in their own
way, told me that I was lost.
You got a husband?
Mm. Sort of.
We separated just before
We actually met at an
inner-discovery retreat.
It's like yoga, water therapy,
animal therapy, art therapy.
We came away with each other.
But he also came away with
something that helped him
get rid of his energy vampires,
a way to flush out his demons
with pastels and brushstrokes.
Wait, what?
It's, uh, hatin' paintin'.
Yeah, so, he would paint
people who pissed him off
or betrayed him or
disappointed him somehow.
You should've got him a crystal.
Oh, I did.
I did a lot for him.
You know, I loved him.
I think.
So, if he put me on a canvas,
then that would kind of hurt.
You think he painted you?
We said a lot of mean
things to each other
the last time we talked.
My friend was starting
that organic farm,
and I wanted to help.
He said if I left, then he would, too.
Move to his family's cabin
and do a series on me.
♪
It's been more than
a year since the end.
Are you sure Steven is
still where you think he is?
I don't know.
But I gotta give it a try, right?
I'd been waiting for a
miracle to take me there.
And then you came.
♪
Maybe since you know the area,
you could help me find
exactly where she is.
♪
It gets a little personal, but
I guess I trust you.
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
We're ready!
EVIE: [IN DISTANCE]
Wait! Come here a sec!
Joe! You gotta check this out!
Come here!
- What do you want?
- She says, "Tired of hipsters
waiting on line by my house.
A gluten-free donut place
opened up on the corner."
"A" it's inline.
"B" she doesn't
know what she's missing,
'cause, "C" I think she's
talking about Idyll Fonuts.
And I think I know where it is.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
I got a photo of her house right here.
I helped her decide on a new
wagon when she was looking.
You seem perfect for each other.
Well, if the weather holds,
and we get a little
lucky with the toe-tags,
we should be able to be
there in less than 12 hours.
Wow.
♪
You know, uh,
this is the most time I've spent
with anyone in years, I mean,
other than Gilligan.
♪
Um
it's been nice.
I mean, not how it started, but now.
[LAMB BLEATS]
What the hell?
♪
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where did you come from?
"Thanks for the bike"?
You poor thing. Are you hungry?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[LAMB BLEATS]
No, no, no, no!
[GUN CLICKS]
♪
He took my helmet.
Everything was in the bike!
Yeah. So was my sloth.
Well, now you have a lamb. Happy?
What about the "unbeatable"
kill switch designed by toi?
It's not on when it's running.
Why did you leave it running?
Because you
you You!
Ohio State.
Tim Spencer, ranked
fourth with 5.3 yards.
We're walking targets out
here because you won't listen.
Well, least we have dinner.
[GASPS]
That's not even funny.
No, look at her face.
Look. Look at her face.
Sheep are a lot smarter than
we think, don't you know?
They have cognitive
skills and form deep bonds.
No, they stick up for
each other and grieve.
They could be man's second best friend
if we just opened our minds a little.
Plus, cheese.
[LAMB BLEATS]
You people.
You always think you're
saving the goddamn world.
What now?
You're a catastrophe.
Everything I needed was in there.
Look.
I'm sorry. But you should've known
that the gun wasn't loaded.
Why the hell would I?
Because obviously I hate guns.
I should've ditched you before,
you and your delusional mission.
What does that mean?
You are risking your life
to see a goddamn
asshole and his painting.
Maybe you really do believe
he knew you better
than you knew yourself.
And if that's true, and he painted you,
then maybe he was right about you!
You're too naive!
And you wanna know my opinion?
I'm on Team Steve here.
What the hell do you understand
about relationships anyways?
You want to be a truth teller?
Then be honest with yourself.
We both know that even if you
thought the gun was loaded,
there were a lot of opportunities
for you to get away,
but you didn't want to
because you're lonely, Joe.
Keep telling yourself that
You're the pathetic one.
The world may be toast,
but at least I have happy
memories to keep me going.
What the fuck do you have?
Rations? A septic system?
You were so busy trying to
survive the end of the world,
yours never got started.
♪
Fuck you.
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
May your next life be blessed.
♪
♪
[WALKER GROWLING]
♪
♪
♪
JOE: USHLDBSCRD. [You should be scared]
Hey.
What
Oh, come on.
Come on!
What
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
USHLDBSCRD!
It's me! DotTheEye!
You know me!
I came to see if you're okay!
I lost everything to get here!
Yo! Yo!
Yeah Oh.
♪
Whoa!
[GROANS]
[HERD GROWLING]
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST"
PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
Dearest ♪
Though you're the
nearest to my heart ♪
Please don't ever, ummm yeah ♪
Ever say we'll part ♪
You scold ♪
And you're so bold ♪
DotTheEye?
[LAUGHING] No.
Our love will grow old ♪
Figured out you weren't in Alaska.
I-I guess you can call me Sandra now.
I'm Joe.
Holy shit, it's really you.
You never know what you
might find in person
Please believe me, ummm yeah ♪
but the apocalypse
has done you well.
No. [CHUCKLES]
No. Oh I'm all sweaty and gross.
I was on the elliptical
and then the squats and
It's leg day. I
I don't know why I'm
telling you all this.
I promised you a proper
sweet Buckeye if we ever met.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Forgive me for not bringing one.
[CHUCKLES]
I forgive you. [CHUCKLES]
♪
Shit!
Oh, I got you.
I got you.
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST"
CONTINUES PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
♪
♪
♪
EVIE: Steven?
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
♪
♪
Hated.
♪
Hated.
Definitely hated.
♪
[GASPS]
Loved.
♪
♪
I hope you made it.
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST" PLAYING]
This is gonna help me?
It's not Betty Crocker's. [CHUCKLES]
Dearest, though you're
the nearest to my heart ♪
Oh, you must've had such a long journey.
Are you starving?
I am just so happy to see you.
Ever, ummm yeah,
ever say we'll part ♪
Mm. You really like this song, huh?
♪
I can flip to the B-side.
No. It's calming.
And you're so bold ♪
You know, I thought
about you this last year.
A lot.
More than a lot.
I knew you were a survivor,
that you'd make it.
But I didn't think you'd
actually look for me.
Not in a million years.
Neither did I.
But, uh
my best friend, Gilligan
Your dog, right?
You remember.
Well, he, uh I lost him.
So I was alone, and I got to thinking,
it's hard to find people
you connect with, you know?
And, uh
Sorry you lost Gilly.
But I'm thankful that it led you here.
Try my love again, ummm yeah ♪
It's getting late.
Are you spending the night?
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
I think the closest Best
Western is booked solid.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hold on. I, uh I have to freshen up.
I wasn't expecting you, obviously.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
♪
This is some strong stuff.
[ECHOING] Let yourself go.
See, that's the problem.
I let myself go, and
I see some dark things.
People I forgot.
Or who forgot me.
Jesus.
This has a punch.
Think of something happy.
Think of Gilly.
Think of football.
You scold ♪
You scold, and ♪
You scold ♪
Sandra?
[ECHOING] I'm here, darlin'.
Can I have some water?
[DISTORTED] I wish I had met you
when you were still
who you actually were.
We coulda been happy.
Ooh! Wha
W-What's this for?
For a game.
[DISTORTED] You'll like it.
Oh, okay.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Why are you here?
Can you loosen these, please?
♪
Hey.
Hey! Aah.
Why are you here, Joe?
To find you!
Why?
You want my place, don't you?
What?! No!
I want you!
I don't believe you!!
Ow!
[LAMB BLEATS]
♪
Please don't ever ♪
SANDRA: The first few
months down here were tough.
Not the staying alive
part. That was easy.
Obviously, I was prepared.
[DISTORTED] Ignoring all the screams?
That was the hard part.
[SLURRING] You did what you had to do.
You're so bold ♪
People, they would find me here.
They would bang on
my door, they'd plead.
So I started listening to the music.
[DISTORTED] Our love will grow old ♪
[DISTORTED] The music saved me.
You may-ay-ay-ay be ♪
One night, um,
a man, he, uh
he got in.
[SCOFFS]
Do you think he was
friendly? Neighborly? Hell no.
Do you think that he would kill me
and steal all that I had built?
Hell yes.
I didn't have a choice.
Who could blame you?
He had a nice watch.
I liked the way it
glimmered, so I kept it.
Keep me from these sleepless nights ♪
But one is never enough.
Try my love again, ummm yeah ♪
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
Ummm yeah, I'm
gonna treat you right ♪
I still hear the screams.
[DISTORTED] I already hear yours.
No!
What the fuck?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
[SCREAMING]
♪
♪
I'll scream for you if I have to.
[MOTION SENSOR ALARMS BEEPING]
You didn't come alone.
- I did.
- Bullshit!
Liar!
This was your plan. To snake me out
and take all of it
for you and your whore.
[ALARMS CONTINUE BEEPING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTS]
[WHISPERING] Joe!
Joe!
[QUIETLY] Ma'am?
USHLDBSCRD?
Is that a question or a warning?
[GASPS]
Both.
Then yes and yes.
A storm of dead-eyes are
gonna be hitting here soon.
You should come with me.
♪
Hungry?
Oh.
Thanks.
Ummm yeah, our love will grow old ♪
That's really good.
It's homemade.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, so how far did you travel on foot?
15 miles.
Kick your boots off.
It's all right.
Please believe me ♪
So, how how did you know my handle?
Did we chat?
No, um
You know my friend Joe.
Joe?
It doesn't ring a bell.
Uh, he's a grump.
Um, he likes the football.
Iowa or something.
[GRUNTS] Huh?
Rings a bell.
Um, it was Ohio, I think.
So you do know him?
[LAMB BLEATS]
[CHUCKLES]
♪
Uh, I think I remember.
[CHUCKLES] He came all this way for me?
Um
Well, he didn't, though.
I don I don't mean to be callous, but
maybe he
Maybe he didn't make it.
No, he had to.
He
He just had to.
He's a survivor.
He is, yes.
Yes, isn't he? [CHUCKLES]
How are you feeling?
Relaxed?
Should I be?
Have some more.
You know, it's shady to give someone
an edible without telling them.
Edible? What?
I'm a connoisseur.
And you've been lying this whole time.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
Ohh! [GROANING]
♪
[JOE SCREAMING, MUFFLED]
♪
Oh. Oh, my God.
♪
[SANDRA SCREAMING]
♪
Oh.
[LAMB BLEATS]
Can we get outta here?
Please.
[GIGGLES] Look.
Oh. Did you eat her brownies?
[STRAINING] No rush!
You're light as a feather.
- Come on.
- [WALKER GROWLING]
God, this bitch won't quit!
Come on. Come on.
♪
Aah!
♪
[BOTH PANTING]
And you thought Steven was a dick?
So, you find him?
No.
But that's okay.
[GIGGLING]
Why am I so hungry?
[GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING] W-what is happening?
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
That was fuckin' dramatic.
♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[LAMB BLEATS]
EVIE: [WHISPERING] Joe?
Joe?
EVIE: I thought you left.
Mother nature.
Why'd you think I left?
Maybe you remembered you
were a loner or maybe
I don't know.
I never thanked you for coming back.
You don't have to.
Thank you.
♪
Stupid
♪
My life
It never got started.
I had something precious,
and I did everything to make
sure no one could touch it.
♪
I made it worthless that way, Evie.
♪
The hell I do?
♪
So start now.
- What?
- It's not over.
You have a person standing
right in front of you.
I mean, maybe there's
more out there, too.
I mean, look around.
You are a part of this
screwed-up, beautiful place.
♪
Beautiful?
Well, like Well, not here.
Out there.
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
She got a name?
Not yet.
Any ideas?
Skipper?
♪
[SKIPPER BLEATS]
♪
♪
MAN: I heard people who
are attacking people
scratching, biting.
People need to chill. Everybody's fine.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- What?!
- You're fired.
[SCREAMING]
People are going crazy.
Have you ever had a
really bad déjà vu?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Go to hell!
We're already there!
[SCREAMS]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
JOE: Murray catches a screen pass
ANNOUNCER: Murray
catches a screen pass
and slides through
the Wolverine defense
- for 34 yards.
- and slides through
the Wolverine defense for 34 yards.
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
Again? Why you always gotta take a leak
on this weak-ass defense?
[SIGHS] Man.
♪
♪
We're a go to pee.
[GILLIGAN BARKS QUIETLY]
♪
♪
You know, Gilligan, some
things are still nice, huh?
♪
♪
♪
Go. Here we go.
Touchdown! Yeah!
- Yes! Yes!
- [GILLIGAN BARKS]
That's how we do it!
I know. Crazy.
♪
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
Gotta keep the old noggin sharp.
[GILLIGAN WHINES]
The hell?
[SIGHS] Gilly.
There's nothing wrong
with getting older.
Come on. Let's finish this outside.
♪
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
[GILLIGAN GROWLS]
I hear 'em, Gilly.
[GILLIGAN BARKS]
♪
[GILLIGAN BARKS]
Easy, Gilly. We don't want more coming.
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
[GILLIGAN YELPS]
♪
No! No!
♪
♪
♪
♪
[WHISTLE BLOWS, CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
♪
♪
♪
Aah!
♪
JOE: "Hey, USHLDBSCRD.
[you should be scared]
What'll happen first:
the world ends or I pay off my shelter?"
USHLDBSCRD: "DotTheEye,
my hubs would leave me
if he knew I upgraded
to a platinum bunker."
JOE: "My sister thinks
I'm too depressed."
USHLDBSCRD: "Let me tell ya,
she's the one who is not
seeing things clearly.
You and I, we're just getting ready.
My husband, Tom, he passed last month.
I'm alone now."
JOE: "I'm so sorry.
But you got me. Digitally, at least."
USHLDBSCRD: "You're the
only one who gets me.
Let's meet IRL."
"I feel the same.
But meeting?"
USHLDBSCRD: "Are you afraid?"
Goddamn coward.
USHLDBSCRD: "I'm surrounded
by Wolverine fans.
Lots of factory boys here."
♪
♪
[DOOR SHUTS]
♪
♪
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS QUIETLY]
You made it.
When everybody else didn't.
The hell you doing?
♪
♪
Should've gone underground.
♪
[TIRES HISSING]
Shit!
♪
Oh!
[BELL RINGING]
[WALKER GROWLING]
♪
♪
May your next life be blessed.
- [BELL RINGING]
- Hey.
You're ringing a dinner
bell for the toe-tags.
All right, you got a blade?
Tell me. I'm not looking
to open up an artery here.
Yours or mine.
Oh.
A switchblade. Quaint.
Couldn't reach it, huh?
Too much time on
weights instead of core?
My core is fine.
It's your tight-ass net.
What the hell is this thing?
Well, put these on,
and I'll let you down.
And if I don't?
I can leave. Your choice.
Cuffed and sheltered, or human piñata?
♪
EVIE: This couldn't have
happened at a better time.
The weather's still good,
and honestly, you answered my prayers.
Now, I don't want you to
feel that, when I leave,
that you got a raw deal.
This place is end-times-ready.
There's a greenhouse
on a greywater system,
with lots of organic vegetables.
Although, I know everything's
organic now, right?
But, you know, we were
organic before that.
We also have a ton of weed plants.
Natch. It's one of my hobbies.
Look, I don't want to be too Pollyanna,
but if there was ever an ideal situation
to have your bike stolen,
I mean, this is it.
Good luck driving it.
Oh, you think because I
have two X chromosomes,
I can't handle a hog? [CHUCKLES]
I've had worse between my legs.
It's got a kill switch.
Designed by moi.
And now I know, so I'll
figure it out, monsieur.
But you won't.
Well, then you just became
my involuntary chauffeur.
Once you get me to wherever I
need to go, you can take off.
Besides it's not a request.
That doesn't seem like
a vegan's kind of gun.
Well, I haven't gone vegan yet.
Why do you want to leave here anyway?
Why did you leave your place?
How do you know I had one?
Because you're clean.
And your bike has some
pretty impressive mods,
which would have been hard to
do after the world went down.
Am I warm?
Which is why I'm still here kickin'
and most everyone else isn't.
No one believed this could happen.
No one ever thinks
bad things will happen.
But I was prepared,
and I made sure I stayed far enough away
so nobody who wasn't
couldn't come crying to me.
Happy story, Mr. Sunshine.
You just holed up with
your protein powder?
All right.
Ready to go.
What's your name?
I don't think you want
me to come up with one.
The nickname "P.P." is the only
thing coming to mind right now,
so
Joe.
Joe.
Joe. Well
This is a gift for you.
Come here. Okay.
What the hell is this?
Well, I'm hoping it dispels
some of your bad vibes. Yeah.
I-I find that negative
energy has a tendency
to draw negative
energy, so just, like
- New age hippy bullshit.
- Oh, dear.
Well, I didn't want to judge
a prepper by its cover, but
I'll say this, you do
a decent clove hitch.
You got a father in the military?
Oh, you mean the net? No.
I just took a macramé
intensive in Big Sur once.
I actually can't believe it worked.
You were so tight in there.
All right, we got a big
drive tomorrow. Rest up.
♪
Okay. In half a mile,
you'll want to take
a small unmarked road to your left.
I'm not deviating from my route.
Well, then you'll be driving
straight into another trap.
More than half the roads here
are either blown out or flooded.
I know which ones.
I mean, truth is, you're lucky I'm here.
So, what, I'm supposed to be grateful?
♪
- Hey.
- Jesus.
There's a sun glare, trigger finger.
Keep your hands on the steering.
♪
Hey, you're a Doberman guy?
Indeed.
I used to work at an
animal shelter once.
Super cool dogs, and sharp, loyal.
So dope.
♪
Yeah.
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
♪
♪
♪
♪
Why are you stopping?
Mother nature calls.
Are you serious?
Sorry. You'll have to make do.
Thank you.
- I used to love driving.
- [PEEING]
I had a convertible
Saab my aunt gave me.
I lived with the top down.
Do you mind? I need to concentrate.
[PEEING CONTINUES]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
Okay, so, in six miles,
you're gonna want to
[CHARLIE PRIDE'S "KISS AN
ANGEL GOOD MORNIN'"PLAYING]
Some of them never
learn it's a simple thing ♪
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
Whenever I've chance to meet ♪
Some old friends on
the street, they wonder ♪
[OFF-KEY] How does a
man get to be this way? ♪
I've always got a smilin' face ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Love her like the devil
when you get back ho ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And let her know you think
about her when you're gone ♪
You're gonna nick the
blade up doing it like that.
You need to do it in one smooth motion.
I've had no problems
killing toe-tags yet.
[SMOOTH SCRAPING]
You know, you wouldn't
have to do everything alone
if you exercised a little trust.
I worked construction.
I know things.
I'd like to, Joe, but
what do I know about you?
You worked construction. Allegedly.
You can pimp out a bike? Maybe.
You will butcher a Charlie
Pride song? Definitely.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the hell are you doing?
Seeing who you are.
Very prepared.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it.
Stop it.
You want me to trust you.
People only carry important things now.
Put that away, you nosy bitch.
Why? What am I gonna find in here?
Do you have friends waiting
for me along the route?
Worse?
[PAPER RUSTLING]
"We see eye to eye on so much.
We don't think the
world is going to shit.
We're not crazy.
We're just prepared
because we're survivors.
I wish we lived closer.
But hope is the thing with feathers."
Puppies and poetry?
Who are you?
♪
None of your business.
♪
You're right.
I'm sorry.
♪
You know, if it makes
you feel any better,
I'm on the road for love, too.
In a way.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
See, Joe?
Just when I think there's nothing left,
the world reminds me
there's still magic.
[SCOFFS] There's no magic.
You're holding a Glock on me,
and we just saw two dead people
stumbling around with
maggots on their faces.
♪
I'm sorry.
Some things are still nice.
♪
[BELLS JINGLING]
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
You got to let me fight.
Evie, listen to that.
It's coming from all sides.
Take off the cuffs.
♪
[HERD CONTINUES GROWLING]
♪
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
♪
Joe!
[GRUNTS]
♪
♪
[GROWLING STOPS]
[BOTH PANTING]
Damn. You study martial arts?
Capoeira.
Sounds like a drink.
It's Brazilian.
Someone took its heart out.
I hope it happened after they turned.
May your next lives be blessed.
♪
I love you in bracelets, but
♪
Should we hit the road?
You in the mood to drive?
[CHUCKLES]
You've got to ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And love her like the
devil when you get back home ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
Kiss an angel good mornin' ♪
And let her know you think
about her when you're gone ♪
♪
JOE: Ooh!
Hit the lotto.
Thank you to the worker
with a weak spot for the bourbon.
Oh. Enjoy. I don't drink.
Just weed.
Mm. You like orange juice?
From what I remember.
Well, I don't have the real stuff.
I have the powder in my bag.
Here.
Have at.
So
where exactly am I taking you?
Mount Pleasant.
No kidding.
That's less than 10 miles
from where I'm headed.
I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
The fact that we came
into each other's lives.
That's the universe
showing us more magic.
"The Universe"?
You really think "The
Universe" gives a shit about us?
Why do you waste your time on that crap?
You've got great survivor skills,
and you are an equipped woman
prepared to handle this shit.
The Universe made me into this.
I mean, I didn't have
it together before.
I mean, everybody around me
family, friends, my husband
all of them, in their own
way, told me that I was lost.
You got a husband?
Mm. Sort of.
We separated just before
We actually met at an
inner-discovery retreat.
It's like yoga, water therapy,
animal therapy, art therapy.
We came away with each other.
But he also came away with
something that helped him
get rid of his energy vampires,
a way to flush out his demons
with pastels and brushstrokes.
Wait, what?
It's, uh, hatin' paintin'.
Yeah, so, he would paint
people who pissed him off
or betrayed him or
disappointed him somehow.
You should've got him a crystal.
Oh, I did.
I did a lot for him.
You know, I loved him.
I think.
So, if he put me on a canvas,
then that would kind of hurt.
You think he painted you?
We said a lot of mean
things to each other
the last time we talked.
My friend was starting
that organic farm,
and I wanted to help.
He said if I left, then he would, too.
Move to his family's cabin
and do a series on me.
♪
It's been more than
a year since the end.
Are you sure Steven is
still where you think he is?
I don't know.
But I gotta give it a try, right?
I'd been waiting for a
miracle to take me there.
And then you came.
♪
Maybe since you know the area,
you could help me find
exactly where she is.
♪
It gets a little personal, but
I guess I trust you.
♪
[ENGINE STARTS, WHIRS]
We're ready!
EVIE: [IN DISTANCE]
Wait! Come here a sec!
Joe! You gotta check this out!
Come here!
- What do you want?
- She says, "Tired of hipsters
waiting on line by my house.
A gluten-free donut place
opened up on the corner."
"A" it's inline.
"B" she doesn't
know what she's missing,
'cause, "C" I think she's
talking about Idyll Fonuts.
And I think I know where it is.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
I got a photo of her house right here.
I helped her decide on a new
wagon when she was looking.
You seem perfect for each other.
Well, if the weather holds,
and we get a little
lucky with the toe-tags,
we should be able to be
there in less than 12 hours.
Wow.
♪
You know, uh,
this is the most time I've spent
with anyone in years, I mean,
other than Gilligan.
♪
Um
it's been nice.
I mean, not how it started, but now.
[LAMB BLEATS]
What the hell?
♪
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where did you come from?
"Thanks for the bike"?
You poor thing. Are you hungry?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[LAMB BLEATS]
No, no, no, no!
[GUN CLICKS]
♪
He took my helmet.
Everything was in the bike!
Yeah. So was my sloth.
Well, now you have a lamb. Happy?
What about the "unbeatable"
kill switch designed by toi?
It's not on when it's running.
Why did you leave it running?
Because you
you You!
Ohio State.
Tim Spencer, ranked
fourth with 5.3 yards.
We're walking targets out
here because you won't listen.
Well, least we have dinner.
[GASPS]
That's not even funny.
No, look at her face.
Look. Look at her face.
Sheep are a lot smarter than
we think, don't you know?
They have cognitive
skills and form deep bonds.
No, they stick up for
each other and grieve.
They could be man's second best friend
if we just opened our minds a little.
Plus, cheese.
[LAMB BLEATS]
You people.
You always think you're
saving the goddamn world.
What now?
You're a catastrophe.
Everything I needed was in there.
Look.
I'm sorry. But you should've known
that the gun wasn't loaded.
Why the hell would I?
Because obviously I hate guns.
I should've ditched you before,
you and your delusional mission.
What does that mean?
You are risking your life
to see a goddamn
asshole and his painting.
Maybe you really do believe
he knew you better
than you knew yourself.
And if that's true, and he painted you,
then maybe he was right about you!
You're too naive!
And you wanna know my opinion?
I'm on Team Steve here.
What the hell do you understand
about relationships anyways?
You want to be a truth teller?
Then be honest with yourself.
We both know that even if you
thought the gun was loaded,
there were a lot of opportunities
for you to get away,
but you didn't want to
because you're lonely, Joe.
Keep telling yourself that
You're the pathetic one.
The world may be toast,
but at least I have happy
memories to keep me going.
What the fuck do you have?
Rations? A septic system?
You were so busy trying to
survive the end of the world,
yours never got started.
♪
Fuck you.
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
May your next life be blessed.
♪
♪
[WALKER GROWLING]
♪
♪
♪
JOE: USHLDBSCRD. [You should be scared]
Hey.
What
Oh, come on.
Come on!
What
[HERD GROWLING]
♪
USHLDBSCRD!
It's me! DotTheEye!
You know me!
I came to see if you're okay!
I lost everything to get here!
Yo! Yo!
Yeah Oh.
♪
Whoa!
[GROANS]
[HERD GROWLING]
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST"
PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
Dearest ♪
Though you're the
nearest to my heart ♪
Please don't ever, ummm yeah ♪
Ever say we'll part ♪
You scold ♪
And you're so bold ♪
DotTheEye?
[LAUGHING] No.
Our love will grow old ♪
Figured out you weren't in Alaska.
I-I guess you can call me Sandra now.
I'm Joe.
Holy shit, it's really you.
You never know what you
might find in person
Please believe me, ummm yeah ♪
but the apocalypse
has done you well.
No. [CHUCKLES]
No. Oh I'm all sweaty and gross.
I was on the elliptical
and then the squats and
It's leg day. I
I don't know why I'm
telling you all this.
I promised you a proper
sweet Buckeye if we ever met.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Forgive me for not bringing one.
[CHUCKLES]
I forgive you. [CHUCKLES]
♪
Shit!
Oh, I got you.
I got you.
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST"
CONTINUES PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
♪
♪
♪
EVIE: Steven?
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
♪
♪
Hated.
♪
Hated.
Definitely hated.
♪
[GASPS]
Loved.
♪
♪
I hope you made it.
[BUDDY HOLLY'S "DEAREST" PLAYING]
This is gonna help me?
It's not Betty Crocker's. [CHUCKLES]
Dearest, though you're
the nearest to my heart ♪
Oh, you must've had such a long journey.
Are you starving?
I am just so happy to see you.
Ever, ummm yeah,
ever say we'll part ♪
Mm. You really like this song, huh?
♪
I can flip to the B-side.
No. It's calming.
And you're so bold ♪
You know, I thought
about you this last year.
A lot.
More than a lot.
I knew you were a survivor,
that you'd make it.
But I didn't think you'd
actually look for me.
Not in a million years.
Neither did I.
But, uh
my best friend, Gilligan
Your dog, right?
You remember.
Well, he, uh I lost him.
So I was alone, and I got to thinking,
it's hard to find people
you connect with, you know?
And, uh
Sorry you lost Gilly.
But I'm thankful that it led you here.
Try my love again, ummm yeah ♪
It's getting late.
Are you spending the night?
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
I think the closest Best
Western is booked solid.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hold on. I, uh I have to freshen up.
I wasn't expecting you, obviously.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
♪
This is some strong stuff.
[ECHOING] Let yourself go.
See, that's the problem.
I let myself go, and
I see some dark things.
People I forgot.
Or who forgot me.
Jesus.
This has a punch.
Think of something happy.
Think of Gilly.
Think of football.
You scold ♪
You scold, and ♪
You scold ♪
Sandra?
[ECHOING] I'm here, darlin'.
Can I have some water?
[DISTORTED] I wish I had met you
when you were still
who you actually were.
We coulda been happy.
Ooh! Wha
W-What's this for?
For a game.
[DISTORTED] You'll like it.
Oh, okay.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Why are you here?
Can you loosen these, please?
♪
Hey.
Hey! Aah.
Why are you here, Joe?
To find you!
Why?
You want my place, don't you?
What?! No!
I want you!
I don't believe you!!
Ow!
[LAMB BLEATS]
♪
Please don't ever ♪
SANDRA: The first few
months down here were tough.
Not the staying alive
part. That was easy.
Obviously, I was prepared.
[DISTORTED] Ignoring all the screams?
That was the hard part.
[SLURRING] You did what you had to do.
You're so bold ♪
People, they would find me here.
They would bang on
my door, they'd plead.
So I started listening to the music.
[DISTORTED] Our love will grow old ♪
[DISTORTED] The music saved me.
You may-ay-ay-ay be ♪
One night, um,
a man, he, uh
he got in.
[SCOFFS]
Do you think he was
friendly? Neighborly? Hell no.
Do you think that he would kill me
and steal all that I had built?
Hell yes.
I didn't have a choice.
Who could blame you?
He had a nice watch.
I liked the way it
glimmered, so I kept it.
Keep me from these sleepless nights ♪
But one is never enough.
Try my love again, ummm yeah ♪
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
Ummm yeah, I'm
gonna treat you right ♪
I still hear the screams.
[DISTORTED] I already hear yours.
No!
What the fuck?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
[SCREAMING]
♪
♪
I'll scream for you if I have to.
[MOTION SENSOR ALARMS BEEPING]
You didn't come alone.
- I did.
- Bullshit!
Liar!
This was your plan. To snake me out
and take all of it
for you and your whore.
[ALARMS CONTINUE BEEPING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTS]
[WHISPERING] Joe!
Joe!
[QUIETLY] Ma'am?
USHLDBSCRD?
Is that a question or a warning?
[GASPS]
Both.
Then yes and yes.
A storm of dead-eyes are
gonna be hitting here soon.
You should come with me.
♪
Hungry?
Oh.
Thanks.
Ummm yeah, our love will grow old ♪
That's really good.
It's homemade.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, so how far did you travel on foot?
15 miles.
Kick your boots off.
It's all right.
Please believe me ♪
So, how how did you know my handle?
Did we chat?
No, um
You know my friend Joe.
Joe?
It doesn't ring a bell.
Uh, he's a grump.
Um, he likes the football.
Iowa or something.
[GRUNTS] Huh?
Rings a bell.
Um, it was Ohio, I think.
So you do know him?
[LAMB BLEATS]
[CHUCKLES]
♪
Uh, I think I remember.
[CHUCKLES] He came all this way for me?
Um
Well, he didn't, though.
I don I don't mean to be callous, but
maybe he
Maybe he didn't make it.
No, he had to.
He
He just had to.
He's a survivor.
He is, yes.
Yes, isn't he? [CHUCKLES]
How are you feeling?
Relaxed?
Should I be?
Have some more.
You know, it's shady to give someone
an edible without telling them.
Edible? What?
I'm a connoisseur.
And you've been lying this whole time.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪
Ohh! [GROANING]
♪
[JOE SCREAMING, MUFFLED]
♪
Oh. Oh, my God.
♪
[SANDRA SCREAMING]
♪
Oh.
[LAMB BLEATS]
Can we get outta here?
Please.
[GIGGLES] Look.
Oh. Did you eat her brownies?
[STRAINING] No rush!
You're light as a feather.
- Come on.
- [WALKER GROWLING]
God, this bitch won't quit!
Come on. Come on.
♪
Aah!
♪
[BOTH PANTING]
And you thought Steven was a dick?
So, you find him?
No.
But that's okay.
[GIGGLING]
Why am I so hungry?
[GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING] W-what is happening?
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
That was fuckin' dramatic.
♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[LAMB BLEATS]
EVIE: [WHISPERING] Joe?
Joe?
EVIE: I thought you left.
Mother nature.
Why'd you think I left?
Maybe you remembered you
were a loner or maybe
I don't know.
I never thanked you for coming back.
You don't have to.
Thank you.
♪
Stupid
♪
My life
It never got started.
I had something precious,
and I did everything to make
sure no one could touch it.
♪
I made it worthless that way, Evie.
♪
The hell I do?
♪
So start now.
- What?
- It's not over.
You have a person standing
right in front of you.
I mean, maybe there's
more out there, too.
I mean, look around.
You are a part of this
screwed-up, beautiful place.
♪
Beautiful?
Well, like Well, not here.
Out there.
♪
[LAMB BLEATS]
She got a name?
Not yet.
Any ideas?
Skipper?
♪
[SKIPPER BLEATS]
♪
♪
MAN: I heard people who
are attacking people
scratching, biting.
People need to chill. Everybody's fine.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- What?!
- You're fired.
[SCREAMING]
People are going crazy.
Have you ever had a
really bad déjà vu?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Go to hell!
We're already there!
[SCREAMS]
♪
♪
♪
♪