Teachers (2001) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(Kurt) OK, I've got one.
What if you could swap your head
onto someone else's body?
(Brian) My head on Jenny's body?
(Kurt) Genius.
Would you let me have a go?
From behind, obviously.
- Fuck off.
- At least let me look at your arse.
If anybody looks at your arse, it's me.
It's my birthday.
I thought we weren't mentioning
your birthday.
Give that here.
You can't do that! It's symbolic!
Look what it says.
"Young Person's Railcard."
- It's no use to you any more.
- (Susan) Aw!
You could still pass for 26
- in a low light.
- (2nd man) It's all downhill from now on.
You want to find someone
while it's all still in working order.
- I had a girl last night.
- Name?
- Maggie.
- What does she do?
- Didn't ask.
- Why not?
- You can't judge people on their job.
- You can some people.
- She's funny and sexy.
- Shagged her yet?
- No.
- Seeing her again?
- Maybe.
- Nice one.
OK, Maggie's head on Jenny's body
or Jenny's head on Maggie's body?
Oh, Maggie's head
on Jenny's body, definitely.
There's nothing wrong
with Maggie's body
but I couldn't have Jenny
bossing me about.
All right, children.
Where are we going next?
It's my birthday
so you have to do what I want.
- Get off me!
- (Giggling and shushing)
(Giggling)
Aaah!
How can someone so small
have such a big arse?
Quite nice. I never noticed before.
Fuck off.
Aah!
(Sheep bleats)
(Bleating)
Hang on a second. I want a souvenir.
(Breathy laugh)
Hiya, Maggie.
You weren't in bed, were you?
I got you a present.
You'll need that.
(Radio DJ in background)
(DJ) '..picked up a women's
magazine - as you do -
'and you know our favourite
person, don't you?'
(Sniffs)
- Are you a strip-o-gram?
- I'm a police officer.
I'm late. I've gotta go.
I wanna be like you
Doing all the things you do
You're tearing me apart
with the clothes you wear
And your eyes so fair
Oh, no, I can't take you anywhere
I wanna be like you
I'll treat you like you want me to
Then maybe we could do
the things that we would like to do
But I just can't get a hold of you
I wanna be like you ♪
(Music stops suddenly)
(Police radio)
(Giggling and chatter)
(Echoing boom)
(Siren)
(Echoing booms)
(Camera shutter whirring)
(Helicopter)
(Boom)
You're late.
You've missed the weekly meeting.
What's going on?
One of the little shits broke in.
They've not taken anything,
except another lump
out of Jenny's sense of humour.
Fuck. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
Good morning, Bob.
Can you get rabies from a sheep bite?
You wanna watch that.
They may use it for forensic evidence.
Will you two shut up?
You really do look like shit.
I'll be fine after you make me a coffee.
- I'll have one too.
- Tea, please.
Of course. I have tits. I'm better qualified.
You haven't got time anyway.
I'll drink it in class. Two sugars.
Isn't it a coincidence that Angie's off sick
every time she has 8F?
Never had the pleasure.
Thick as shit
but they're quite entertaining.
Find out if she suspects anything.
Jenny!
(Echoing footsteps)
(Eerie wind whistling)
Did you have a good weekend?
Only because the promise of this
stimulating exchange got me through it.
No need to ask what you did last night.
Oh, fuck, she knows.
No she doesn't. You just stink of booze.
Look at the buttocks on that one.
Er, no, no, no. No.
- I'm sorry?
- Will you tell her or shall I?
- Tell me what?
- School's a no-smoking building.
- Clare's new rule.
- (Bell)
Ha ha ha!
- You'll be grateful in the end.
- Who the fuck asked you?
Has no one ever told you
smoking's not big or clever?
Yes, it is.
What about our smoking room?
She'll rename it, I suppose.
Just call it "room"!
Susan.
Susan. Would you mind taking 8F?
Angie's sick again.
They're quite entertaining.
Bunch of retards.
- Good luck, Susan.
- Good luck, Susan.
(Roaring and screeching)
Simon!
Simon!
(Raucous shouting)
Well, scum
- Good weekend, Simon?
- Not bad at all. Leave that till break.
Party on Friday, film on Saturday,
birthday yesterday.
- Happy birthday, sir.
- Thank you. Anybody not here?
- Me!
- (Groaning)
Have you marked
our English essays yet, sir?
- I told you it was my birthday.
- How old?
None of your business. Come on
somebody cheer me up.
My mum said she'd give you one.
That's very generous
but I've never seen her.
You have. She whistled at you on Friday.
- Your mother?
- She's single if you're keen.
- That was your mother?
- How come you're not married?
I'm way too young.
- (Bell)
- What?
Come on, Jeremy.
(Brian) Bob's always got Valium
if you're desperate.
My year 12s can get you smack
if you threaten to suspend them.
A cigarette'd do, thank you.
But you'd have to inject it
because smoking's banned.
I fancy Pauline Young's mother.
That's how old I am.
I've started fancying kids' mothers.
Another ten years,
you'll be looking at the girls again.
Why do I fancy
the most inappropriate people?
You've just met a girl you like.
Nah, I've decided not to bother.
She's got two arms and two legs,
ain't she?
Yeah, but I don't think
I'm ready for a girlfriend.
I wanna keep my options open for a bit.
What options? Oh, yeah, I forgot,
they're queuing for you.
I meet women,
women who fancy me sometimes.
Course you do.
Simon, a friend here wants you.
Says no one else will do.
If it's another suicide attempt,
tell him to try harder.
Outside, now.
I don't even smoke.
Over there.
- Fucking hell!
- I didn't do anything.
- Teddy. What the fuck was it?
- It was his idea.
- What was?
- The tattoo.
- Daniel?
- He wanted us to do Daniela.
Daniela Parkhurst?
Couldn't he have just done her initials?
It was OK until we got to the "L".
I mean we had to dig around a bit
but the blood just
and Teddy just
- I'm gonna have to tell Page.
- Don't, Simon. Please.
Pack up your troubles now
Take all you can carry
On your way, your way
Just remember this time, you know
You've only got seven days ♪
(Bell)
(Music from headphones)
The point is,
you can't help who you fancy.
The most unlikely person can pop up
and before you know it,
you think about them all the time.
Like Romeo and Juliet.
They were compelled to love each other
even when everybody said it was wrong.
You can't choose who you fall for.
- Didn't need to kill themselves over it.
- All they ever wanted was to be together.
They passionately believed
in what they had.
- This was their ultimate dream.
- They would've got over it.
They wanted to do things their own way.
The more they were forbidden,
the more they fought for it.
Have you never felt the urge to rebel?
Miss Page's class is just reading the text.
- There's time for that.
- I'm only saying
There must be something
you've always wanted,
something you've dreamed of
with passion
that nobody could take from you?
Something you'd sacrifice
everything for?
I would quite like to play for Bristol City.
You are one very sad individual.
How about owning Man United?
All right! I'd quite like
to have sex with Ryan Giggs.
That's more like it!
I'll throw in all of the first team
since you asked so nicely.
(Giggling)
Can I interest anyone in the Australian
women's beach volleyball squad?
(Applause and cheering)
I want you to teach me all of my classes.
(Cheering)
I want you to be headmaster.
(Whistling and cheering)
In fact, I want to be you, Simon.
(Cheering)
You are the best teacher ever.
Much better than that frigid
teaching machine next door.
Mind you, she has got a nice arse.
(Chanting) Simon! Simon! Simon!
Simon! Simon! Simon!
Simon! Simon! Simon!
(Horns)
Can you make some more noise?
Only my class is finding
it too easy to concentrate.
Don't worry.
She talks to us like that too.
Oh, man, I'm fucking
No need to rush!
Come on, slow it down.
Bye, sir. Thank you.
Could you undermine me a bit more?
Only I don't feel enough of a twat yet.
Grow up. Oh, and if you know
where Shakespeare's head is,
I'd like it back please.
If it's not too much trouble.
- She definitely knows.
- Who knows what?
Jenny. She knows it was us. Well, me.
She's power mad and hates me
and now she'll get me sacked.
It was childish
but hardly a sackable offence.
If you like, I'll apologise
to her for all of us.
No, then she will know it was me.
She'll hold it over me forever.
You know what she's like.
What is your obsession with Jenny?
I'm not obsessed.
She's obsessed with me.
Let's pub.
Did somebody call for me?
My dad's got a client he wants to
impress so I said I'd cook dinner for him.
And that's going to impress?
Fuck it. I'll come for one.
I'm just wondering why
Teddy Randall left school early?
I think he said he had
an orthodontal appointment.
Mm. Well, make sure Liz gets his slip.
Why do you have to lie all the time?
Sorry to interrupt
but your leader wishes it to be known
she's moving your directive time
to the end of every Friday.
- (All) Oh, for fuck's sake!
- I'm only the messenger.
Liz has got kids.
Does that mean you fancy her?
- Your serve, quick.
- No way. Not now.
- You have to. Jenny!
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
(Eerie wind whistling)
(Kurt) Simon wants you.
Er, we're all going to the pub.
Do you fancy one?
That'd be lovely.
But I'd rather nail my head to the table.
Fair enough.
(Arrow hitting target)
Two metres' unobstructed view.
Tremendous.
Well played.
Jenny!
It's all right. I'll ask you another time.
(Car alarm bleeps off)
I guess I'm all right
Guess I'm all right
I guess I'm doing fine
Guess I'm doing fine
Do you think I miss you?
Do you think I care?
Do you think I'd lay down and die?
You never even tried ♪
Where the fuck have you been?
- Union meeting.
- In the pub?
I'm here now.
Just as well by the looks of it.
(Doorbell)
You are an unreliable,
untrustworthy shit!
You obviously don't need my help, then.
(Dad) Hi, come in.
(Woman) Hi. How's it going?
- Marcella, this is Simon.
- Hi.
So fly on swift now
On your journey home
And you've fled the nest now
and you have flown ♪
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- I just got you some dips.
- Fantastic.
Ain't nothing you don't know ♪
Would you like a touch more wine?
Fabulous. Thanks.
I guess I'm all right
Guess I'm all right
I guess I'm doing fine
Guess I'm doing fine ♪
Mm. That was fantastic.
(Both) Thanks.
Brandy!
It's nice to meet you at last.
Yeah. You too.
- I'm sure it won't be the last time.
- Great.
Great. How about next weekend maybe?
If you're busy, maybe not.
The weekend after would be
- Couldn't you find it?
- It's a good time to mention that thing.
Right. The thing.
The brandy's under the stairs
with the rest of the booze.
What? Yes, I know.
It's just that we're getting married.
What? Who?
Marcella and me.
I and Marcella. Marcella and I!
(Crash, smashing glass)
Brilliant!
(Music from headphones)
(Low rumbling)
- (Ecstatic moaning)
- Oh, fuck off!
- (Bedsprings creaking)
- (Dad) Oh, yes, Marcella!
(Marcella) Oh, God!
Surprise.
Not really.
Erm, are you entirely nocturnal?
I just felt a sudden impulse.
(Screeching brakes)
Ooh!
(Panting)
Perfect.
You know where the sofa is.
(Peeing)
(Door opens)
So how was the sofa?
- Short and hard.
- I bought it specially.
Right, well I'm going to work.
See you again maybe.
(Hum of photocopier)
(Susan) It doesn't surprise me.
He's an attractive man.
Don't be ridiculous! He's my dad!
So he's not allowed a libido?
Not one I have to listen to.
That's not the point.
I made a pass at my new mother.
Doing Oedipus now, are we?
(Susan giggles) So you're jealous of him.
No, I'm not. I was only being friendly.
Sounds like a classic case of denial.
Bollocks is it. He's just met her.
He doesn't have to marry her.
So it's YOUR commitment phobia
we're dealing with.
You're projecting your fears
onto your dad.
It's not that complex.
It's a mistake. She's too young for him.
But not too old for you? Is this where
your older woman fetish is from?
I do not have a thing about older women.
Well, it's one of three things.
One, you're jealous of your dad.
Two, you're having trouble
coming to terms
with the fact that
you fancy older women.
Or three, and probably most likely,
you're disturbed that you no longer
see these women as older,
which means you see yourself
as a similar age to them,
and that frightens you
and makes you act like a teenager.
You're a teacher, not a therapist.
- I teach psychology.
- To 16-year-olds.
Oh, God.
I need those essay marks today, Simon.
I've done them.
I'll bring them to you later.
- Oh, God.
- I need your department averages.
I've done them.
I'll bring them to you later.
(Fast clapping)
Teddy Randall's mother's
just been on the phone.
It seems he tried tattooing
himself yesterday
and ended up in casualty
with a septic arm.
I'm sure this could've been avoided
had he got proper
medical attention in school.
It's not good for parents to think
we can't control students.
So in future, any accidents
should be reported immediately
to the year heads.
The upshot of all this
is I want to ban tattooing
and insist that all nose,
eyebrow, lip and tongue rings
are removed in school.
- (Bell)
- As soon as possible, please.
You covered for a kid
who carved up his own arm?
He was just messing about. We all did it.
- I didn't.
- I did.
Well, I pierced my ear, but I did it myself.
- Why didn't you tell me about Teddy?
- Why do you think?
- He's in my group, my responsibility.
- Me, me, me!
- He didn't want me to tell you.
- Whatever the students want (!)
I won't stop them expressing
themselves.
Next time you want to encourage
a child to risk their health,
discuss it with me first.
I may only be acting year head
but at least I could show you
where the hospital is.
You do know you're making
a dick of yourself?
(Bell)
(Smashing glass)
Don't look at me like that.
It's your rule.
If I'm being a dickhead, it's because
she makes me behave like one.
- She brings out the worst in me.
- You fancy her.
I do not! I couldn't. No way!
It's not just age, it's women in
authority you have a thing for.
- Does Clare do it for you as well?
- Oh, I'm going to be sick.
It all makes sense -
your new mum, Pauline Young's mother,
Jenny and I bet
Maggie fits in there somehow.
Bollocks.
You'd be a lot happier if you'd admit
you identify with them
because you have a lot in common.
- But I don't want to.
- You're like one of the kids.
That's why they like me.
You're meant to be
a reliable adult role model.
You're meant to be nice to me.
That's what you're for.
I am being nice to you.
In this case, being nice to you means
pointing out you're being a tosser.
(Bell)
(Child) Ow!
- (Chattering)
- Be quiet.
QUIET!
It's school policy,
so come on, take 'em off.
(Groaning)
Take 'em off!
I mean it, Pauline.
(Jeremy) Is there any chance
of those essays yet?
What is your big hurry?
I'm worried you're getting left behind.
We should be on the next assignment.
I'm not giving them out now.
I have a different plan for today.
(Chattering)
(Sighs)
Turn to act 3, scene 2.
Tanya, read the soliloquy.
- The what?
- The big speech.
- (Giggling)
- Oi!
Time of the month, Simon?
It's important.
There's exam questions on this bit.
- Is this all we're gonna do?
- It's what we're meant to do.
- Tanya.
- (Giggling)
Pauline!
- What was that?
- Where?
Here. Don't arse me about.
What's going on?
Oh, it's about that new rule.
Cheryl said I should tell you.
- Tell me what?
- Just that I have a pierced nipple.
That's against school policy.
What, are you gonna
make me take it out?
No, but just don't go getting
any other things done.
I'm getting a tattoo next week.
You wanna see where?
What is it? Shall I get the paramedics?
No, no. I just realised
it was lunchtime and I'm hungry.
Are are you?
- Don't do that again!
- What?
Chewing gum in class.
Can you believe that?
Barely.
I hope you'll be keeping me behind
for a private session again
tomorrow Simon.
(Laughs) She doesn't mean
I wouldn't dream of
Don't worry. I don't believe
there's a chance of anyone,
let alone a student,
succumbing to your charms.
- Oh, God!
- You said today, Simon.
I've done them but I left them at home.
Tomorrow, I promise.
If only life was
a little less predictable, eh?
- Have you lost them?
- No, they are at home.
- That was the truth?
- Yes, but I haven't marked them.
He only wants numbers.
Just make 'em up.
No, I want to do it right.
Weird.
- It's all your fault.
- What now?
You give your cod psychology to me
and I teach by the book.
The kids hate me and aren't
taking any notice of what I say.
- Welcome to my world.
- It's stick and carrot.
Shut up for half the lesson, look at
Celebrity Arses website the other half.
- That kind of thing.
- That's useful.
You have to show them who's
in charge. You're the grown-up.
Huh!
All right, you're the one with the degree.
Once they realise you won't take
any shit, they'll respect you.
Kids need to know
where the boundaries are.
- You're right.
- Taking advice from a PE teacher?
(Brian) Carol or Liz?
And death is not an option.
Well, Liz has a certain maturity
but Carol, I have to say,
does have an appealing wildness
about the eyes.
More glad tidings to impart
from the offices of Mrs Hunter.
As from today, teachers are no longer
allowed to smoke anywhere
on school premises.
Don't want to give our students
confusing signals, do we
Susan?
Pauline. Pauline, I need a word.
- Yeah, what?
- In private.
- Come on.
- (Girls) Whoo!
Stand there.
- You were well out of order earlier!
- What did I do?
Saying that in front of Miss Page
and that skirt business.
So why did you cover for me?
You could get us both in the shit.
And you're too young for a tattoo.
- That's none of your business.
- It is now you told me. It's a mistake.
Yeah. Well, I'm really gonna take
advice from you.
- I could send you to see Mrs Hunter.
- Go on then.
I am the adult here. I'm the one with
the degree! I'm telling you, don't do it!
Oh, fuck off.
(Stephen) Well, I don't trust anybody
who smiles as much as Clare does.
She's very good at giving
the illusion of democracy
but she doesn't fool me. God, no!
We're not teachers any more.
I prefer how it used to be
when teachers knew stuff
and they had to educate kids.
Now the stuff keeps getting changed.
Nobody knows
who knows what any more.
Can we please talk about
sex or football?
Maybe I never had control.
They don't respect me any more.
Maybe they never did.
Who doesn't respect you now?
Pauline "Oh, fuck off" Young.
OK, Pauline "Oh, fuck off" Young
or Nicola Coleman?
Who's Nicola Coleman?
Nicola "It's glandular" Coleman.
Fat girl, year 12.
I can't do this now.
I've got books to mark.
One and eight make nine
It could be set in stone
Cos I'm bad to the bones
And you're flat out of time
Can you show me a sign? ♪
- Want a drink?
- I've got work to do.
- Everything all right?
- Why wouldn't it be?
I suppose this all must seem sudden.
You've not had a woman for years
and the first
She's not the first.
I don't have to tell you everything.
But you don't tell me anything.
I was We were
concerned that people
might disapprove.
We haven't been together very long.
- And there are other factors.
- What?
Marcella's daughter. Your new
Sister. Perfect.
- She's four.
- So you'll have a wife and a baby.
- It's called commitment but
- Here we go!
If you don't know what to do
with your life, that's your problem! I do!
Sorry. Should I come back later?
I'm going out.
One and four make five ♪
- Your shout.
- You get 'em in.
I need these done for yesterday.
Do you mind? This is our place
for fun and recreation.
I thought it would be
a supportive atmosphere.
- You've got nowhere else to go.
- And you have?
Let me see. I have a lovely house
I share with my lovely husband.
Me too.
Talk amongst yourselves.
I'm trying my best here!
Did I tell you? Jenny came to see me.
She was really upset about the sheep.
Yeah, Liz said
that Jenny said that Clare said
she's positive it's Simon.
But until the forensics come back,
there's no proof.
Then Jenny said part of the reason
she was so upset
was that she had always thought
she and Simon
OK, I give in! But you gotta help me
finish these.
- How much?
- Half a pint a book.
Fuck it, make it a C+, his writing's neat.
- How can you give that an A?
- He's great. He gets right in there.
But he can't write a coherent sentence.
- I'm teaching them to think.
- Not healthy.
Finally, Pauline "Oh, fuck off" Young. C-.
Bitch. Make it a D.
Glad to see you haven't lost
your objectivity.
- So, this'll be the new you, will it?
- How do you mean?
The new "I'm gonna grow up and
be a good role model" you.
Yeah, it wasn't working.
I'm better the way I was.
- See you tomorrow.
- Good night.
Good night. Night.
Where do you think you're going?
I don't want to listen
to my dad shagging.
Can I stay with you and Peter?
No. Good night.
Lads?
(Both) No!
(Car alarm)
(Doorbell)
(Squeals)
Oh
it's you.
You can't keep turning up at night
when you've nowhere else to go.
I don't. I'm here because I want to be.
- I wanted to see you again.
- Why?
It's just
Well, I haven't seen you
for a bit Cheers.
And I haven't got your phone number
and I
I like you.
- You came round for a shag?
- No.
- Oh. So you came for a chat?
- Yeah.
Go on, then.
So, er how are the latest
crime statistics?
Obviously, being a police officer,
I wouldn't be interested in anything else.
At midnight.
Is there a reason
why you only turn up at night
when I'm not in my uniform?
Are you on the Most Wanted list
or do you have a problem with my job?
- I haven't got a problem
- Out of interest, what do you do?
I'm a
I work in a school.
- I'm a teacher.
- Oh, you rebel.
- You anarchist.
- All right.
What's the difference between us?
We both tell people what to do,
except yours are smaller.
- I don't do that.
- You do if you do it right.
- Teaching's not about bossing people.
- Oh, bless.
- Can I sleep on your sofa?
- No. Look, Simon.
You're really nice but I'm not even sure
I want a relationship,
particularly not with someone
with such bizarre behaviour.
- Neither do I.
- Good.
Fuck off home, then.
(Toilet flushes)
Aaah!
Surely you can see
that this is just embarrassing.
Are you doing Treasure Island
or just having a mid-life crisis?
(Screeching brakes)
I fucking hate her!
She's such a narrow-minded,
conformist little careerist
and she's SO mature.
What an insult. You know
why you get so worked up about her.
- Not this again.
- A psychological principal.
There's a very thin line
between love and hate.
You're sick.
(Cheering)
Hey, hey, hey! It's Shane Ritchie!
My God, is it 1992 already?
Leave me alone. I like it.
- Well, you're the only one.
- I don't give a shit.
- Who marked these, Simon?
- Who do you think?
- It's not your handwriting.
- Is it a good mark?
- A.
- B-.
It'll be a lot less if you don't shut up!
Forget what I said about the tattoo.
Do what makes you happy.
Right, clear a space.
Desks against the wall. We need room.
- Who wants to be Romeo?
- Me! Me!
Anybody who wants to be bored shitless
can go next door and see Miss Page.
Simon!
Simon!
Last chance.
You're not going to believe this
All present and correct.
- But very late.
- They're done now.
Why is everything a battle with you?
- Have you noticed? It's hell
- Oh, Jenny
Word has it
you think my classes are boring.
I never said anything. Did I?
You'd never have shouted that out
in front of your class.
Right. That's not exactly what I said.
I was just comparing how we teach.
Never discuss me or any other teacher
with your class again!
Don't talk to me like a student!
I'll talk to you how I please if
you question my professionalism.
Not that you're in any position
to comment on that!
What's that supposed to mean?
While you play at being a teacher,
others do it properly.
Maybe I don't get turned on ticking
boxes but I teach them in a way they like.
- It's not meant to be entertainment!
- Not in your class.
- Who the fuck do you think you are?
- I try to be on their wavelength.
So that's why the pathetic act
of defiance.
At least I'm not a cold,
miserable, uptight bitch!
Go on. Get it off your puffed-up chest.
What's really on your mind?
I really wanna sleep with you.
(Crowd groans)
- I really wanna sleep with you.
- (Crowd groans)
Oh, what the hell.
I really wanna sleep with you.
(Screeching brakes)
That's useful to know.
Aah!
What are you doing?
If this is a cry for help, forget it.
I'm beyond help. I had a fight with Jenny
and said something I shouldn't have.
It's your fault
because you gave me the idea.
- What did you say to her?
- What do you think?
You didn't?
Simon, you never take any notice
of anything I say.
- What's the matter with you?
- I'm confused.
- About Jenny?
- No, about everything.
- Is this a mid-life crisis?
- You're 27.
I might only live till I'm 54.
Look, you've had a birthday
and you're a bit wobbly.
You're living with your dad,
doing a job you're not sure about
and your emotional life's a disaster.
When you put it like that,
why do I worry?
You run about from crisis to crisis
without thinking about
the bigger picture.
So what do you suggest?
If you're fed up, you could look for a flat
though I suspect it rather suits you.
Your job - you're probably
better off not listening to me
and getting on with it.
But your love life, that's obvious.
You're flitting about from woman
to woman acting like a dickhead.
Ow!
But where do you end up every night?
Think about it.
(Bell)
Don't worry, we weren't smoking.
We just nipped in for a quick shag.
Oh, my God.
- I've never seen you in daylight before.
- I've never seen you sober before.
I mean, I've never been sober
when I've seen you before.
So what do you want?
I wanted to come round once more
just to show you I can be normal.
And I'm not only interested
when I've got nowhere else to go.
- And I don't care you're a policewoman.
- Officer.
Officer. And I know you're not interested
in a relationship
but neither am I
so I thought maybe we could both
not have a relationship
with each other.
Together.
I think I preferred you pissed.
It can be arranged.
- Do you wanna come in?
- Only if you want me to.
- I just said.
- I won't be a nuisance?
Oh, shut up now
before I change my mind.
- Did you nick that?
- Eh?
Joke.
Ooh.
- So can I stay the night?
- Yes.
I'm on nights, though,
so I'll see you in the morning, OK?
(Shower running)
Today is gonna be the day
- When I won't wanna see ♪
- (Phone)
Everybody's reeling,
everybody's feeling
Lonely ♪
(Answerphone) 'Hi, this is Maggie.
Leave a message.' (Beep)
(Maggie) 'Er, Simon, it's me.
'I'm running late and if you're still there,
you're running late.
'Oh, and er
stop poking round my stuff.'
(Screeching brakes)
- Did you tell her about the sheep?
- Sorry, what?
Everyone's talking about
your fight with Jenny.
- I heard you told her to go fuck herself.
- No, I just said what I think of her.
- Buttocks?
- I said she had to sort herself out.
She can't go on
like a teaching machine.
- How did she take it?
- In the spirit it was intended.
So it's over and done with. Air cleared.
You, you and you.
Hand them over.
Stupid.
- Tosser.
- Evan Maggs, see me after lunch.
We lost on penalties in the semi-final.
If you look hard enough,
you'll find someone who gives a shit.
Janey Collins missed one.
Janey who had anorexia?
Stupid fat fuck.
You came all the way out here
just to tell us that?
No. Boss wants to see you. Urgent.
You might as well tell me.
I'll find out later anyway.
(Phone)
(Typing)
Whatever it is, she's fucking furious!
I'm not worried.
I've done nothing wrong.
(Buzz)
I can relate to the students directly.
I have a talent for it.
I can understand how they think
and how they feel
and how their imaginations work.
I like it
and they like it.
Maybe it's because I'm closer to them
than to either of you
and your conservative little lives
but I'm doing this my way.
And if you don't like it
you know what you can do about it.
Have neither of you got anything to say?
I don't know
what's going on between you two
but outbursts like that
should never happen in public.
This must have a personal dimension
which is spilling into your work
and that makes it my concern.
Has anything happened that could affect
your working relationship?
Er well I
Nothing of any significance.
This doesn't have anything
to do with that
sheep incident, does it?
We disagree on teaching methods.
Well, your record
is consistently good, Jenny.
And yours, Simon, is
well, consistent.
So what's the problem?
His methods are obstructive
to my classes.
I think we should do
more stuff that's interesting.
You're paid to teach the syllabus
to the best of your ability, Simon.
I want to use your energy, I do,
but you're not in a position
to do anything except
get on with it.
And next time you feel
the need to brawl in public,
do it in your own time.
Both of you.
Thank you.
(Buzz)
I thought we were in for
a right bollocking!
It all flows right over you!
Don't take it so seriously.
It could've been worse.
Yes. Maybe next time,
I'll tell her what you actually said.
I didn't really mean it.
It was the heat of the moment.
You are a self-centred, egotistical liar
with your head up your arse
and your brains in your dick!
But I don't really mean it.
Heat of the moment.