The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e01 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
"Anybody here know why
these two should not be wed
"speak now or forever
hold your peace.
I now pronounce you man"
I know why they
shouldn't be married.
Opie, what are you trying to do?
I'm speaking now
so's I won't have to
forever hold my peace.
You ain't supposed to speak.
Then why did he ask?
Well, it's just part of
the ceremony, Opie.
You always say speak,
but nobody ever does.
Well, I'm gonna.
Why did she have to
marry him for, anyway?
Things was goin' real well.
Rose was the best
housekeeper we ever had.
Taught me everything I know.
Opie, dear, I'm
marryin' Mr. Pine
because I love him.
I thought you loved me.
I do, Opie.
You don't catch me
marryin' somebody else.
Don't you fret.
You're not losin' me forever.
I'll come back and visit a lot.
And I want you to be a good boy
and take care of yourself, here?
Don't you go running
across that street
in your stocking feet.
And in the mornin'
i want you to
eat all your cereal
and don't leave half the milk.
Okay, I won't
leave half the milk.
Good boy.
I'll leave all the milk.
Now, Opie, that's enough.
Now, Opie, I'm your pa
and I'm telling you to hush up.
Well, you told me
I could speak now
or forever hold my peace.
Well, now I'm telling
you if you don't hush up
you'll be forever holding
the seat of your britches.
If he starts to wheezin'
Now, Rose, Opie's not
your problem anymore.
Well, you know, I mean,
Aunt Bee's a-comin'
and he'll be took care of.
I know. But she isn't
due here for several days.
Are you sure you don't
want me to stay on?
Yeah!
What's this?
Now nothing, Wilbur.
Just nothing at all.
Now, now, now, Rose,
you can't send Wilbur off
on a honeymoon by hisself.
Why, that'd be like
putting a pig in a sty
and taking away the mud.
Yeah.
Seems to me there's
something wrong
with the way you put that.
Well, hurry up, Andy.
We've got a long
trip ahead of us.
Well, now, just don't,
don't get too excited.
Now, we didn't
finish the I-dos yet.
Oh, well, we do.
We sure do.
Well, uh, get your
ring all set now.
Get, get ready, Barney.
"Under, uh"
They ask you to speak up
then they won't
let you speak up.
Hush up, Opie.
"Under the power"
First, they tell you speak up,
then they tell you to hush up.
Now, Opie.
"Under the power"
Just 'cause I'm little
nobody cares about me.
Quiet.
"Under the power invested in me
"as Justice of the
Peace of Mayberry
I now pronounce
you man and wife."
Give her a little kissy.
That's right.
Get ready now.
Get ready, get ready.
Get you a handful.
Get you some, Opie.
Oh.
Opie!
Not the box, just the contents.
And underhand it.
Underhand.
That's right.
Hi, Pa.
Didn't Rose call or nothing?
Well, no. Rose didn't call
and she ain't likely to call.
See, she's on her honeymoon.
And besides that,
Aunt Bee'll be
coming pretty soon.
That'll be just like
having Rose here.
Will not.
It won't be anything like it.
Nobody's like Rose.
Well, that's, that's
right, too, I reckon.
But, then again, there ain't
nobody like Aunt Bee either.
What's so great about her?
What did she ever do?
Well, one thing: she raised me
when I wasn't no
bigger than you.
Done a pretty good job,
too, wouldn't you say?
That doesn't mean
that she'll raise me good.
Well, now that's
where you're wrong.
That's where you're
wrong right there.
She'll raise you just fine,
and she'll love you
just like she loved me,
and, ooh-ee, that's
a mess of loving.
She used she used
to squeeze me so hard
I'd turn all colors.
That's right.
I was the most loved
purple baby you ever saw.
I don't care.
I ain't gonna love her.
Now, Opie, I want
you to stop saying that.
Well, I won't.
I ain't gonna love
no one 'sides Rose.
Deputy Barney
Fife reporting, sir,
with an important message.
Barney, I've told you
you don't have to do that.
This ain't the Army.
You see, it's just me and you.
Well, shucks, Andy, I
want to do good on this job.
Even if it's just
delivering messages,
I want to do it right.
Well, I know you do
and I admire your attitude.
You see, Andy, I want
the folks in this town
to realize that you picked
me to be your deputy
because you
well, you looked over all
the candidates for the job
and you judged
their qualifications
and their character
and their ability,
and you come
to the fair, the just
and the honest conclusion
that I was the
best-suited for the job.
And, and I want to
thank you, Cousin Andy.
You're welcome, Cousin Barney.
Yes, sir.
And I will tend to my
duties as deputy sheriff
and do all that's
expected of me.
And if they's a
message to be delivered
I'm gonna scoot and
I'm gonna to see to it
that that message
gets delivered.
That's just fine.
Yes, sirree, I want
to get to be knowed
as Reliable Barney Fife.
Yes, sir.
Well, got to be
getting back to work.
Uh, uh, Barney.
Yeah?
Wasn't there, uh,
something about a message?
A message?
Yeah.
Clean forgot about that.
Well, the message is
that, uh, Aunt Bee called
to say she's coming in tomorrow.
Oh, that's fine,
fine, fine, fine,
and thank you, Reliable Barney.
Yeah.
Well
Well, I wish you'd look who's
up early to greet Aunt Bee.
Pa, look what I
done I set the table,
I poured the milk, I
got the eggs boiling.
I'm making a whole breakfast.
Well, you sure are
and doing a fine job, too, yeah.
What's this here?
Your your water's
near about boiled away.
Oh, that happened once before.
I better fill 'er up again.
Well, about the
( sizzling)
Stand back there.
How long you had
them eggs in there?
Since I got up
About 45 minutes.
45 Minutes?
You think they're
ready to serve?
Well, I, uh I
wouldn't be surprised.
No, I wouldn't
especially if you're
figuring on playing tennis.
Huh?
Oh, nothing,
nothing, nothing at all.
I I happen to like
45-minute eggs.
Don't you?
Pa
Hmm?
Don't this show you
something? Don't it?
Don't it?
Well, show me what?
That we don't need Aunt Bee.
We can get along without her.
I can make breakfast every day.
So when she gets
here, you just tell her
to turn right around to go
back where she came from.
We don't need her.
Okay, Pa?
Well, no, it's not okay.
You see, your Aunt Bee,
she's doing a mighty big thing
by pulling up stakes and
coming down here to live with us
and, why, why she's
( knocking)
Oh, I expect that's her now.
Now, listen, listen.
I want you to be just
as nice to Aunt Bee
as you ever been
to anybody in your whole life.
Now you hear me?
All right, come on.
Andy.
Aunt Bee, come in this house.
I declare, you look beautiful.
Well, you know,
we gonna have a
time holding on to you.
Oh
You're so purty
I can't hardly look at you.
Oh, Andy, you hush up.
ANDY: Oh, Opie,
this is your Aunt Bee.
Opie.
My goodness, you know,
you're the spittin' image
of your pa when he was your age.
Why, it will be just like
raising you all over again.
Come give me a little sugar.
ANDY: Go on now.
Give her a little sugar.
Give her some good.
Can I go now, Pa?
Well, go where?
Why, I was thinking
about taking a bath.
You mean to tell me
you're going to take a
bath on a volunteer basis?
Now don't you make
fun of him, Andy.
When your pa was your age
we used to have to practically
sandblast him to get him clean.
He lost four pounds
with every bath.
You bet.
Can I? Can I go, Pa?
Well, go ahead.
He's a nice boy, Andy.
I expect we'll get
along real well
when we get to know each other.
Oh, well, sure you will.
And, Andy, I do
want to thank you
for having me here.
You know, all those
young'uns I raised,
they're all grown up now
and that's why when you called
I just got on my knees
and I just thanked heaven
I had a place to go and
I had something to do.
Well, you got a place
and sure got plenty to do.
There ain't no use to start
right in though, is there?
Why don't you come
in here and freshen up
and we'll get a
little bit of breakfast.
You want to? Mm-hmm.
Oh, you like real
hard-boiled eggs?
Why, Opie, you haven't even
touched your fried chicken
and I made it special for you.
Ain't hungry.
Ain't hungry?
Well, remind me to check
you when we get upstairs
just to see if
you're the same boy
that I've seen wolf
down six or eight pieces
without even breathing hard.
Rose made it different.
I'll get us some coffee, Andy.
All right.
And to think I was glad
when you learned to talk.
I'll, uh I'll help
you, Aunt Bee.
Since you're not
going to eat anything
you might as well go
on up to your room.
Yes, sir.
Say, Opie, you know,
a funny thing happened.
We come back to clear the table
and you know that plate of yours
and all the food on it
had just disappeared?
Really?
Yeah. And I just
Well, I'll be dogged.
There's your plate.
Right there.
Oh, yeah.
Well, how in the
world do you reckon
it got all the way up
here to your room,
and licked clean to boot?
I think I got a explanation, Pa.
You do?
Yeah. I brought
it up for my bird.
ANDY: For Dicky there?
Well, do you, uh, do
you mean to tell me
that, uh, tha-that
he eats fried chicken
and biscuits and honey?
He loves it.
He does?
See how he cleaned his plate?
You're you're sure you ain't
got a buzzard in that cage?
I'm pretty sure.
Uh, Dicky, if I was you
I wouldn't be doing
any flying tonight
because them biscuits
can lay awful heavy.
Uh say, Opie,
do you reckon that
Dicky would like to have
a nice big piece of
watermelon for dessert?
Yeah!
God bless my pa
and my bird Dicky
and my dog Gulliver
and my lizard Oscar,
wherever it is he ran away to,
and Barney Fife
and my white mouse
and Jerry and Tommy
and Billy and my snake.
Amen.
I forgot somebody
very important.
God bless Rose,
even though she ran
off and got married.
All right, come on now!
Come on! Come on!
Just step right in here.
Now, Emma, I seen ya do it.
Now, I seen ya do it and
don't tell me you didn't do it,
and don't think you're
going to get away
with that kind of
stuff on my beat.
'Cause when you
commit a crime in this town
you pay for it,
and I'm the one that
sees to it you pay for it
'cause that's my duty.
Oh, but, Barney,
I always cross Maple in
the middle of the block.
Emma, that's jaywalkin'
and jaywalkin' is agin' the law.
Now, Emma, you just
step right over here.
You got to be booked and
fingerprinted. Come on now.
Fingerprinted?!
That's right, Emma.
Them's modern police
methods, for heaven's sakes.
Now, give me your thumb there.
Ah, Barney, uh, what,
uh, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm booking
a prisoner, Sheriff.
Jaywalker.
Barney, you know we
don't ever stop Emma.
Why, we figure if she can save
a step or two here and there,
why she'll just be with
us that much longer.
Now, you just go
ahead on home, Emma.
Oh, thank you, Andy.
Naughty deputy!
Now, why'd you do that, Andy?
Now, you know she was guilty.
I seen her do it.
Now she's going to go out
and tell all her friends
how she got away with it.
Next thing you know
people's going to be
jaywalking all over the place
and disregarding "keep off
the grass" signs and everything.
Why, Mayberry's just going
to turn into a regular sin town!
Hi, Ope.
You want us go
down to the creek?
No. I got some thinking to do.
Oh, why? You, uh, you
got some kind of problem?
Well, I got
something to ask you.
Something important.
Yeah? Well, go ahead.
Can I run away from home?
Uh, you
you want to run away from home?
Well, now, uh,
if-if-if that's what
you got on your mind,
well, you going
about it all wrong.
I am?
Oh, yeah. You ain't
supposed to ask your pa.
But you always said I
should never go anyplace far
without getting your permission.
Well, yeah, I
know I did say that,
but, see, running away
from home's a little special.
See, what you do
in a case like that
is first, you write a note
saying that you're running away,
and then you do it.
You mean to tell me
that's all there is to it?
That's all.
But I don't know how to write.
That does make a problem.
I'll tell you what
If you are really
bound to run away
I'll write a note for you.
You will?
Yes, sir.
I'll do it.
Now, let's see, uh,
when was it you wanted to leave?
Right away.
Well, today's Wednesday
let's see, and about how long
was you figuring on staying?
Why? Oh, never mind.
That stands to reason
if you run away,
you run away forever.
What do you mean?
Now, don't bother
me. I'm thinking.
Uh
"Dear Pa,
"I am running away from home
and you will never
see me again."
Pa, what are you talking about?
Why won't I ever see you again?
Well, that stands to reason.
You've run away
and I'm right here.
Now, how are we going
to see one another?
No!
Well what did you
What are you doing that for?
I didn't finish the note yet.
I don't want you to finish.
I don't want to run away.
I changed my mind.
Oh well, I
reckon a little boy
gets the right to
change his mind.
I don't want to leave you, Pa.
And I don't want
you to leave, Opie.
Is it, uh is it Aunt Bee?
Opie, why can't you put
Rose out of your mind,
make room for Aunt Bee?
If you'll give her a chance,
why, pretty soon,
you'll love Aunt Bee
as much as you ever loved Rose.
Aw, Pa, she can't do
anything like Rose can.
She can't fish or hunt frogs
or play baseball
with me like Rose did.
Gosh.
Now, let me show you
a little bit about baseball.
Oh, Andy, I know
a lot about baseball.
What do you think I am, a ninny?
Oh, well, good.
We'll be way ahead, then.
What's that?
Oh, well, uh, that's a bat.
Yes, a-and with the bat,
you hit the ball, you see.
All right? Now,
you just listen to me
and do just exactly
what I tell you,
and before you know it,
you and Opie'll be closer
than two fleas in a dog's ear.
All right. Now, you ready?
Uh
Aunt Bee
I think you've got it wrong.
I-I believe
I believe you hold it
with the little end, see,
and you hit with the big end.
Oh, that makes it easier.
( laughing): Yeah.
Pa? Hmm?
If she's such a great fisherman
like you been telling me,
how come she fishes with
her bait out of the water?
Oh well, see,
this is little-bitty-stream
fishing, you see,
and Aunt Bee, she's
used to deep-sea fishing
Porpoises and flying
fish and stuff like that.
You mean you fish for them
with your bait out of the water?
Oh, sure
You see, they come up
and meet your pole halfway.
Well right, Aunt Bee?
Yeah.
You just let her
get the hang of it
and she'll be
pulling them fish in
hand over fist.
( whimpering)
Aunt Bee, you got one!
Aunt Bee, reel it in!
Reel it in!
ANDY: Yeah. Reel
him in, Aunt Bee!
( whimpering)
Why ain't she pulling him in?
Well, uh, see, uh,
Aunt Bee is a sportsman
and she's trying to give
that fish every chance.
( whimpering)
I believe you've given him
enough chance, Aunt Bee.
Reel him in.
( whimpering)
Easy, easy, Aunt Bee.
He's so big, you
nearly lost your pole.
( screaming)
What'd you do that for?!
Well, it was too little
and she threw it back.
That's your Aunt Bee.
A sportsman all the way.
Wake up, Opie.
We're at home.
Get ready for bed.
Pa, Dicky is gone.
He is?
Oh, Opie, you
left the cage open.
No, I didn't.
I never leave it open.
Oh, dear.
Opie, I cleaned out his
cage for you this morning
and maybe I didn't shut
the door tight enough.
She did it.
Dicky's lost, and
it's all her fault.
( Opie crying)
AUNT BEE: It's too
early to wake him, Andy.
I'll just peek in.
I wish you wouldn't
leave, Aunt Bee.
Maybe if you'd give
him a little more time
No, Andy. It's much
better this way.
Not that I wouldn't
give anything
to do the things
he likes to do
Play baseball and
fish and all, but
well, he's a very
smart little boy.
I couldn't fool him.
And, you know, Andy,
he's going through a
very, very hard time.
I know.
I think we'd better
get going, hmm?
I'll help you.
OPIE: Pa, Aunt Bee, wait!
Opie! What are you
doing out in your pajamas?
Don't go, Aunt Bee!
I don't want you to!
I want you to stay.
Oh, you do?
Y-you mean it, Opie?
Sure!
Well, what changed your mind?
Well, if she goes,
what'll happen to her?
She doesn't know
how to do anything
Play ball, catch
fish or hunt frogs
she'll be helpless.
Well, yeah, I
guess that's right.
A woman that don't know how
to do important things like that,
why, she'd just be lost.
So that's why
she's got to stay
So I can teach 'em to her.
You need me!
Oh, Opie, I do.
You get a line and
I'll get a pole, honey ♪
You get a line and
I'll get a pole, babe ♪
You get a line
and I'll get a pole ♪
And we'll go down
to the crawdad hole ♪
Honey, baby, mine ♪
Yonder come a man with
a sack on his back, honey ♪
OPIE: Pa!
Pa! Pa!
Whoa, whoa, now.
Simmer down now.
You're gonna bust
something. What is it?
Dicky he's come back.
He flew into the
cage all by himself.
Oh, Opie, isn't that wonderful?
Yes, sir, and I told
you he would, too.
And I bet you that I know why.
I bet you that he got out there
flying around with
some of them wild birds
and-and-and he saw what kind of,
kind of poor kind
of eatin' they had
You know, the
berries and little seeds
and little pieces of
root and stuff like that
And he says to hisself, he says,
"I'm going back there to Opie
"where I can get me
some more of that
"good fried chicken
and biscuits and honey
and stuff like that."
Don't you reckon?
I reckon.
I reckon so.
Well, you get a line
and I'll get a pole, honey ♪
Honey.
You get a line and
I'll get a pole, babe ♪
You get a line
and I'll get a pole ♪
And we'll go down
to the crawdad hole ♪
Honey, baby, mine. ♪
( whistling sprightly tune)