The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
You finished with this juice, Peter?
Okay, now, look, boys.
Let's all eat a good breakfast today.
I know you're bound to be nervous,
but we have to have plenty
of nourishment and energy,
and that's why it's important
to have a good breakfast.
We're almost finished, Dad.
You didn't eat anything at all.
Oh, yeah, well.
Yeah, I'll just have my coffee.
I don't blame you
for being nervous, Mr. Brady.
This is a very important Saturday.
Alice, I know it's an important Saturday.
Who said I'm nervous?
I'm mature and I'm logical and I
know I'm doing the right thing.
Why should I be nervous?
What makes you think I'm nervous?
It's the first time I ever
saw you take 21 spoons of sugar.
I like it sweet.
Every bridegroom's a
little jumpy, Mr. Brady.
It's a normal male reaction, Dad
for your generation.
I once saw a movie
where a man was getting married.
He was so nervous,
he forgot to put his pants on.
You're okay, Dad.
Thanks, son. Would you sit down?
I'm sure you're going to be very happy.
Mrs. Martin is a lovely woman.
Mmm she's out of sight, Dad.
Groovy.
I think she's neat-o.
That makes it unanimous.
I think she's pretty special myself.
Ooh!
( Clattering )
Well, I certainly hope
the bride isn't as nervous as the groom.
No, not my bride.
I'm sure the future Mrs. Brady
is cool, calm and collected.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
The wedding's only an hour away,
and I can't even brush your hair.
And I've got to fix yours, too.
And Cindy, what happened to your curls?
A half hour ago, I made your curls.
Oh, look at me.
Brides are supposed to be
beautiful, and I look awful.
We think you look beautiful.
Uh-huh.
How can you girls sit there
and say that I look beautiful?
'Cause we love you.
Girls.
( laughs )
Oh, you do like Mike, don't you?
Sure, we like him.
A lot.
You know how much we like him?
How much?
This much.
I'm sure we're all going to be very happy.
You're going to be happy.
I'm going to be happy.
Mike's going to be happy.
And Greg and Peter and Bobby.
They're going to be happy.
If we're all going to be so happy,
how come your eyes look
like they're going to cry?
Oh! Because grownups are silly.
Sometimes they cry when they're happy.
( Phone rings )
That must be Mike.
What makes you think so?
It's always Mike.
( Chuckles ) Hello.
It's Mike.
I'm just fine, honey. How are you?
I'm nervous, that's how I am. Nervous.
To tell the truth,
I've got a few butterflies in my stomach.
Were you sleeping with your
mouth open, Mommy? Huh?
How did those butterflies
get in your stomach?
Oh, they're not real
butterflies, sweetheart.
I'll explain it to you later.
Hold on a minute, Mike, would you?
Why don't you girls run along
and get your clothes ready,
and I'll be along
in a minute to help, okay?
Oh, can't we stay here?
Come on.
The bride and groom
want to talk privately.
Thank you, Miss Protocol.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Cindy thought there were
real butterflies in my stomach.
You're lucky if you only have butterflies.
I've got six flying saucers in mine.
Why don't you take a tranquilizer?
I took one.
Well, maybe you should
take another one.
Nothing doing.
I want to be calm for the ceremony,
but there's the honeymoon to consider.
That's an architect for
you always planning ahead.
How you coming?
Okay, Dad.
Let's have a little inspection here.
Looks like you got
dressed in the dark here.
There you go.
Well, Bobby, you look pretty good.
You look good, too, Dad.
Thank you very much.
Well, let's get going.
Not right for a man to be late
for a wedding, especially his own.
Where's your mother's picture, Bobby?
I put it away
in the drawer.
Because of Carol?
I thought maybe she might not like it
when she moves in.
Come here, Bobby.
Now, you can put it right back, son.
Are you sure?
I'm positive.
I don't want you to forget your mother.
And neither does Carol.
Gee, that's swell.
I really like this picture,
but I didn't want to upset my new mom.
You know something?
Your mother would be very proud
of you right now.
Greg, Peter.
GREG: Just combing our hair, Dad.
Well, come on. We can't wait all day.
We're all dressed up. So's Tiger.
Sorry, fellows. Tiger stays home.
Now, this is just for the family.
Alice is going to be there.
Alice is a member of the family.
So's Tiger.
He's our brother.
Now, look, boys, I love you,
and I love Tiger, too.
But we are not taking
a dog to a wedding.
GREG: Hey, look, Dad.
The caterers are here.
BOBBY: Good. I'm hungry.
Hungry? You just ate breakfast.
You'll eat after the wedding.
Get out the other side, boys.
Fluff them out a little.
Oh, that's better.
Henry!
I I I was just testing, dear.
There'll be plenty of time for that
when the guests arrive.
Thank you.
Oh, Mom and Dad,
it all looks so beautiful.
The wedding's going to be lovely.
Well, wait till you and Mike
get the bill, dear.
Henry.
Oh, mother, I know he's kidding.
I don't know what I would have done
without you two these past few years.
I don't know what
I would have done either.
( laughing )
Well, you want to know something?
We're really going to
miss you, sweetheart.
You're going to visit us,
aren't you, Grandpa?
Of course they are, Cindy.
Mike's house is only 20 minutes away.
Sure.
( Doorbell rings )
Oh, that must be another telegram.
Hey, let me get it! Let me get it!
All right, off you go.
Hey, you look pretty.
Hi.
Well, you sound a little disappointed.
I thought you were
going to be a telegram.
Hi, Mike.
Greg, Peter,
Bobby, Tiger.
Tiger! You brought Tiger?
He'll frighten Fluffy to death.
Fluffy. I forgot about the cat.
Greg, put Tiger back in the car.
BOYS: Aw, Dad
( barks )
Now, wait, Mike.
We'll keep Fluffy up in the girls' room.
Oh, honey, we don't
want you to lock up Fluffy.
Greg, you and Peter
put Tiger back in the car.
Okay, Dad.
Come on, Tiger.
And put the top up,
and open the window a bit.
( Barks )
Come on in, Bobby.
Hello.
Mike! So you decided
to show up after all.
Henry!
That's all right, Mrs. Tyler.
I don't get upset very easily.
Oh, yeah? This morning,
he put 21 spoons of sugar in his coffee.
Don't exaggerate.
But he didn't forget his pants.
Oh.
Well!
Cindy, why don't you
take Bobby upstairs,
and tell the girls your new
brothers are here, okay?
Okay, come on.
I got a swell new dollhouse.
Dollhouse?! Dad
That sounds like fun.
Yuck.
Bobby, remember what I told you.
( Sighs heavily )
Come on!
Don't they look cute together?
Thank you.
I mean the kids.
Oh Mike, I want you to see something.
What? You have a
swell new dollhouse, too?
Oh, Mike.
Mom and Dad,
would you excuse us?
Why, sure.
Well, what do you think?
Hey, everything looks beautiful.
Did you say everything looks beautiful?
Oh, everything. The
flowers are beautiful,
the cake is beautiful, the
hors d'oeuvres are beautiful.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, the silverware looks beautiful, too.
Thank you.
Well, how do I look?
You, my dear, are prettier than flowers,
sweeter than the cake,
more appetizing than the hors d'oeuvres,
and more sparkling than the silverware.
Oh, Mike, be serious.
You want to know something?
Yes.
I am serious.
A few years ago, I thought
it was the end of the world.
Now it's just the beginning
for both of us.
Uh-uh. For all of us.
Right.
The whole blooming Brady bunch.
MAN: Now, Carol Ann, Michael Paul,
will you join hands, please?
Do you, Carol Ann,
take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?
To have and to hold, to honor and obey,
to love and cherish,
in sickness and in health
till death do you part?
I do.
MINISTER: Do you, Michael Paul,
take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
To have and to hold,
to honor and obey,
to love and cherish
till death do you part?
I do.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
They whom God
hath joined together
let no man put asunder.
Well, aren't you going
to kiss the bride?
You bet I am!
( Meows )
( laughing )
( Whining )
( Barking )
( And barking )
( Meowing )
( Barking fiercely )
GIRLS: Fluffy!
I told you boys, put
that dog back in the car!
We did, Dad!
Well, put him back!
Fluffy!
Fluffy!
( Girls screaming )
( Tiger barking and barking )
( Fluffy screeching )
Stop it. You're ruining the wedding.
Grab him!
We got him.
Tiger!
( Barking )
( Screeching )
( Barking )
( Woman shrieks )
CAROL: Girls, stop that screaming.
( Screaming, barking, shouting )
You boys wanted to bring
that dog! Now go get him!
I'm so sorry, everybody. Just sit quiet.
It'll be quite all right.
Henry, please do something!
Just calm down, dear.
Everything's going to be all right.
Tiger! Tiger!
Alice, can't you control that dog?
Yes, ma'am.
( Whistling shrilly )
Thank you, Alice.
Tiger!
Tiger, sit! Sit!
Not you, sir. Tiger!
( All yelling )
Where?
Tiger! Tiger!
( Whistles shrilly )
Tiger, if you don't stop,
you're going to get it!
( Whistling )
Oh, Reverend, I'm so sorry.
Why, it's all right.
Everything's going to be all right.
( Meowing )
( Barking )
( Gasping )
Waiter, get me some ice, please.
Tiger, Tiger!
( Screams )
( Barking )
There she goes!
( Girls shouting )
( Barking )
( China clattering )
Mike, thank goodness
you saved the cake!
Oh!
Oh, Mike!
( laughing )
( laughing )
( All laughing )
Just what we wanted
a nice, quiet wedding.
( laughing )
MAN: Boy, show Mr. and Mrs. Manors
to room 312, please.
I do hope you folks enjoy your stay.
Oh, and may I be of service to you?
Thank you very much.
We're Mr. and Mrs. Brady,
and we have reservations.
Oh, yes, Mr. Brady. Let me see now.
Brady, Brady, Bra
Oh, yes, Mr. Brady.
( Chuckling )
You have the honeymoon suite.
Right. The honeymoon suite.
Would you care to register, please?
Thank you.
( Chuckling )
Now, I am Mr. Pringle,
and if there is anything I can do,
you just call on me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Brady.
You have signed this
"Mr. ad Mrs. Brady and family."
( Chuckles )
I forgot.
That's force of habit.
The kids aren't with us.
Well, you did ask
for the honeymoon suite.
Oh, it's quite all right,
Mr. Pringle. You see
It's all right, darling. No need to explain.
It's obvious this gentleman
doesn't dig the modern generation.
( Snaps fingers )
Boy.
Bradys to suite H.
Thank you, Mr. Pringle.
Oh, you're welcome.
Honey?
Yes?
Champagne's ready.
Champagne? Where
did that come from?
The hotel sent it up.
How about that?
Lovely.
There you go.
Well
here's to a great, big bubbly life together.
Oh, I forgot. What?
Champagne has a terrible effect on me.
It makes me dizzy.
Well, champagne has a
terrible effect on me, too.
What? You'll find out.
Michael Brady, you stop that or I'll
You'll what?
I was afraid Tiger
was going to hurt Fluffy.
I couldn't help screaming,
and neither could Marcia and Jan.
But Mama yelled at us anyway.
She didn't even yell at the boys.
And it was their dog that chased Fluffy.
Maybe she likes them better than us.
I feel funny about Cindy
and Marcia and Jan, too.
I shouldn't have scolded
them at the wedding.
I shouldn't have yelled at the boys.
But it was such a mess.
Tiger was chasing Fluffy,
and the hors d'oeuvres were flying.
And all those ice cubes.
Poor Mrs. Feldman and her frozen front.
( Both laughing )
How about me and my nose
full of wedding cake?
I'm still sneezing rosebuds.
Oh, you were a sight.
( Sighs )
Mike?
Hmm?
I feel guilty about the kids.
Hey, wait a minute.
We're on our honeymoon.
We're supposed
to be enjoying ourselves.
Those kids are fine.
I'm sure they've forgotten
all about it by now.
You're probably right.
Of course I'm right.
Listen, I know my boys.
They can be miserable one minute,
and laughing the next.
Right now, I'll bet
they've got a smile on
their faces a mile wide.
Okay, when boys don't eat cake,
there's got to be a reason. Let's have it.
Dad shouldn't have yelled at us.
We were only trying to help.
He didn't yell at the girls,
and it was their cat
that caused the trouble.
He only yelled at boys us.
I guess that's the way it's going
to be around here from now on.
Just because they're Carol's kids,
we're going to get blamed for everything.
Now, you men don't really believe that.
We sure do.
When those girls move in,
they're going to take over.
Yeah. They're going
to be Dad's favorites.
Yeah.
It's a marvelous hotel.
And the service the service is great.
I told you boys to put that dog
back in the car!
I told you boys to put
that dog back in the car!
( Echoing ): Put him back!
Girls, stop that screaming right now!
Girls, stop it! You're ruining the wedding!
Girls, stop that screaming right now!
Girls, stop that
Whoopee.
Yahoo.
You know the answer as well as I do.
Let's go.
Like this?
It's an emergency.
Mr. Brady!
Don't worry, Mr. Pringle.
We'll be back.
Mommy!
Shh! You'll frighten
Grandma and Grandpa.
Come on, girls.
Wake up, girls. Come on.
What's going on?
How would you girls like
to come along with us?
On your honeymoon?
That's right.
Oh, boy! I've never
been on a honeymoon.
Neither have I.
And I'm older than you are.
Shh, shh, shh!
What can you expect from children?
Mike, I'd better wake Mom and Dad
and tell them we're taking the girls.
Would you pack a few things for them?
( Squealing happily )
Okay, pack a few dresses.
Bobby? Bobby?
Dad!
Hi, Bobby.
Shh! Shh! Come on, get up. Get up.
Peter? Peter?
( Moaning )
Wake up. Come on. Come on.
( Chuckling )
Well, what are you doing here?
Hey, what's happening?
How would you boys like to come with us
on our honeymoon?
What?
Marcia, Jan and Cindy
are waiting downstairs.
Wow! I'd love to go on a honeymoon.
What should I take?
A girl, dummy.
Yeah, that'll do, Greg.
Come on, Petey. Get up.
I'm going back to bed.
Aren't you coming with us?
Not me. I'm too old
to go on a honeymoon.
Dad's older than you are, and he's going.
Come on, Greg.
We're all going to go together.
Now, go get some clothes on.
You boys get ready, too.
Honey, I'm going to go
wake Alice and tell her.
Alice is right here.
Alice, what are you
doing up at this hour?
Well, I figured you'd be back.
I packed the boys' clothes last night.
Mr. Brady!
Oh. It's okay, Mr. Pringle.
They're with us.
If there's one thing
that's better than a honeymoon for two,
it's a honeymoon for eight.
You mean a honeymoon for nine,
Mommy.
You mean a honeymoon for ten.
( meowing )
Fluffy! ( Dog barking )
Tiger!
Eleven!
Don't forget Alice.
That makes 12.
Alice
I know this is a stupid question,
but what are you two doing here?
Well, he wouldn't
go to sleep without you.
Besides, I figured someone
ought to look after the kids.
Hey good thinking.
Okay, gang
let's go.
Just a minute!
Ladies first.
Oh, no, it's by age.
BOBBY: The youngest
one should be first!
I'm younger than you are!
I have as much right
to go first as anybody!
( All yelling )
Be careful of Cindy!
( All yelling )
( Barking )
Boys!
( Barking, yelling )
( Whistles )
Only one way to handle it.
Attention!
( Yelling halts abruptly )
Okay, fall in.
Right here.
According to size, and big ones first.
Come on, fast.
Fill in ranks back there. Come on.
No talking in the ranks.
Come on, hurry up, hurry up.
Okay
left foot first.
( Hollers ): Forward
march! Two, three
CAROL: Good night, Mr. Pringle.
Two, three, four
Hut! Left, left, right, left.
Left, left,
left, right, left.
Left, left,
left, right, left.