The Change (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
DISTORTED MUSIC
CHEERING
Go on, Steve!
If he does that again,
I'm going in.
That's disgusting. He's like a dog.
Come on, you loved it
when you were little.
Oh, it's hot today, innit, kids?
Hot, hot, hot.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
Oh, my God.
Do you have to swallow so loudly?
I'm sorry, right, I can't stand it.
I'm going in.
We'll come back out for cake.
Just ring us, we'll
have our headphones on.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
Hey, Siobhan, come here a minute.
What, can't walk now you're 50?
Be dribbly wees next.
Do I swallow loudly?
Listen.
SHE SWALLOWS
Have you taken
your medication?
I'm not on medication. Exactly.
Oh, guess what happened
at work today.
An alien turned up said
they'd all heard
about your fascinating work story.
I was on the tills and this bloke
dropped a bag of peas,
and the bag split and
the peas went everywhere.
Leave it, Lin. Let it go.
Have a day off. It's your birthday!
No, no, no. This won't take long.
So I said, "That's OK, mate. You
leave it. I'll sort that out."
Doesn't look up from his phone,
doesn't acknowledge my existence
in any way at all.
But then, oh, then, he looks at
this attractive woman behind him
and he goes like this.
He goes, "Huh!"
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE
Siobhan. He goes
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE AND SIGHS
And then she rolls her eyes as well.
She was a right bitch.
I mean, I know you shouldn't say
women are bitches,
but some of them just are,
aren't they?
Anyway, so then I'm down on my hands
and knees with a dustpan and brush
and he goes, "Are you going
to be much longer, love?
"I've got better things to do
than watch you sweep up, peas."
So I look up and he's now scratching
his balls, like that.
Sorry, Annie, a man in the shop.
Anyway, I nearly faint,
because you know what I'm like with
men's genitals.
Why don't you have a nice drink
and a little break from speaking?
Anyway, then I get back to my chair
and there's only blood all over it
where I've leaked on it.
So him, he sees it and he recoils
in horror.
I thought, "Oh, I'm not having that
after I've swept your peas up."
So I looked at him and I said, "Oh!
Oh, you can see me now, can you?"
And then I looked at her and I goes,
"Yeah, and you'll be
invisible soon enough an'all."
Ooh, it's nippy when the
sun goes in, innit?
I get a creek in my neck.
Crick.
Ey?
Crick. You said creek.
Yes. I'm going to get a creek
in my neck from the wind.
It's crick.
Are you OK?
Yeah. Are you OK?
I am, yes.
SHE SWALLOWS LOUDLY
It was so great for Steve
to organise all of this for you.
You're lucky to have him.
Hmm. Well, I invited everyone.
Got all the shopping, cooked it.
Baked my own cake,
chose my own present,
wrapped it up and now
I'm clearing up.
But
But, yeah, yeah.
I have had a really nice time.
Lin, Lin, any more sausages?
Yeah. Do another one!
Go on, Steve! Here he goes.
Go on!
RAUCOUS CHEERING
WATCH BEEPS
All right, let's have a
bit of hush, please.
I'd like to say a few words now
about my dear lady wife.
Oh, no, no, please.
Linda, it's your 50th!
I hate it, though!
The birthday queen,
Linda Jane Jenkins.
You
are well fit
for your age and great mum.
So, three cheers for Linda.
Hip, hip Hooray!
Steve-o! Oh, go on.
Get it, go on.
CHEERING
Nice one, Steve. woo!
WATCH BEEPS
Come on, babe.
No, leave that.
I'll do it in the morning.
Mum wants to cut the cake now.
Oh, does she? Oh, we'll cut
it now, then, shall we?
Is everything OK?
Couldn't you think of anything
else to say about me?
Ey?
Nothing.
Can you get the cake
knife thing, please.
The what? It's, it's got
It's flat, it's triangle.
You cut a slice of cake with it, and
then it catches it underneath it.
What? The cake knife thing!
What are you talking about?
It's OK. I'll get it.
You tidy up outside.
Got it! Here we go.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
CHANTING: Go, limbo!
Go, limbo!
Ah, my back's gone! No, seriously,
my back's gone. What?
My back's gone.
Lin, Lin, my back's gone!
Lin, Nurofen!
Get the Nurofen!
Hurry up, Linda,
we're losing him!
CREAKING
ROCKING CHAIR CREAKS
Is that case you fall off
the chair, or
Hmm?
Oh, God.
I'm always forgetting
to take it off.
HE CHUCKLES
How are you, Linda?
Yeah, OK.
There's just a couple of niggly
little things that I wanted to
Well, I can only address one issue
per appointment.
I think I might have
early onset dementia,
osteoporosis, ringing in my
ears when I'm stressed,
anxiety, depression,
cardiovascular disease,
and a strange mental disorder
involving loss of nouns.
Well, that's quite a list.
And you're 50 now?
How are your moods? Fine!
How are yours?!
Any irritability or rage?
Well, nothing unjustified.
Well, this all sounds
like the menopause to me, Linda.
The menopause?
So it was the one issue, then?
Just need to get on top of
your symptoms, and you'll be tiptop.
I'll print out a fact sheet
for you.
God, how did I not know that?
Some women find the shift in
hormones liberating.
My wife's taken up extreme climbing.
She hangs off cliffs
at weekends now. Ah!
I used to love climbing.
She's currently in in
the Yorkshire Dales.
HIS VOICE FADES OU
Vaginal dryness? Sorry.
Any vaginal dryness?
No. Loss of libido.
Still in the honeymoon period.
Well, let me know when you're not
and I can prescribe testosterone.
No, it's fine, really.
It improves sex drive, but
it also
Can we drop the sex talk,
please, doctor?
I get it. You can prescribe me
something to keep me wanting sex.
I didn't actually ask for that,
but good to know.
Thank you. Goodbye.
And how is Steve?
Not in my ten minutes, Doctor.
Not in mine.
Thanks then, bye.
He's fine, thank you.
APPLIANCES RUMBLE
WATCH BEEPS
WATCH BEEPS
RUMBLING AND WHIRRING SWELLS
RUMBLING FADES
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE
RUMBLING
Hang on, hang on.
HE CRUNCHES
You're leaving me because I didn't
match up the Tupperware?
Not just because of that, no.
And I'm not leaving you. I'm just
going away on my own for a bit.
Well, then why then?
I just told you why.
Yeah, but I didn't hear you.
These are twice baked.
I'm sorry. They're really crunchy.
WATCH BEEPS
I'll tell you again why I'm leaving.
But if you
interrupt or zone out,
I am going to leave
you a note instead.
I'm not going to interrupt.
I'm not going to zone out.
I swear.
I don't know for how long,
Mum, she didn't say.
She won't pick up.
She said I'll just ask her
where things are.
She's been saving up.
She says there isn't anyone else.
She's gone to look for some
time capsule in a tree.
She says she wants to
be more than just
someone's wife or mother
for a while.
I'm not being a gullible dick, Mum.
Yeah, well, apparently she's been
adding up all the so-called
invisible work she's done
over the past 25 years
ENGINE REVS
and writing
it all down in a ledger.
Every chore, every second,
every minute.
Yeah.
And she's taking some of that time
back now.
When I first came to town
They called me the
roving jewel ♪
What do you mean, you wish
you'd done that more?
Now they've changed
their tune ♪
And this bit's weird.
She said an Incredible Hulk
plaster gave her a sign.
And that the Hulk is the only
menopausal role model
in the history
of TV and film.
It's not funny, Mum.
I can't find the towels.
Through the woods I go
And through the boggy mire ♪
I blame Dr Spence, putting
ideas into her head.
Till I come to my
heart's desire. ♪
Well, Dave said lots of menopausal
women become selfish
when their oestrogen runs out.
Yeah, she's taken the old beast.
No, not Siobhan, Mum.
A Triumph.
She doesn't care what people think.
She said, I can tell them
whatever I want.
LAUGHTER
Lin's got cancer.
FIDDLE PLAYS
Yur's a biker ol'bur?
Sorry?
Tha's yur biker ol'bur?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what you're saying.
I is asking you if you
are a biker.
Oh, am I a Yes.
Yes, I am.
OK. Nice to meet you. Bye.
UNINTELLIGIBLE SHOUTING
LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS
There you go. Thanks, Car.
Cheers, Car.
Small, medium or large?
Small, medium or large!?
Oh, sorry.
I was miles away there.
I've come for the caravan,
actually, not the eels.
CUTLERY DROPS
What?
Uh, I'm sure they're delicious.
It's just, I'm a
vegetarian, that's all.
And I'm not hungry at all.
Vegetarian townie here's come for
Father's caravan, Agnes.
Oh, aye?
How long for?
Oh, 44,000 minutes, maybe?
Oh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Maybe a month?
Just passing through here, then.
Listen here, vegetarian town mouse.
See that tree o'er there?
It's been here hundreds of years.
Just like our forefathers.
And formathers.
Sorry, which one?
I am that tree. And Caramel here
is that one o'er yonder.
You see this earth?
You were born on it.
By those bins, over there.
FLIES BUZZ
And one day shall
be returned to it.
We're a community here, Town Mouse.
These here people, these here trees.
These here eels.
We're as one. Humanity in nature.
Not separate, like in towns.
We're proud of these here lands.
So when someone only wants
it for a few weeks
that don't sit
right with us, do it, Ags?
No, it do not.
I don't really know what I've done
wrong here.
I can't stay longer.
I'm literally just here
to find a tree.
And then I'll be moving on.
You can stay in the caravan.
But we got one rule.
No pets, no music, no children,
no shitting in bushes.
You look like the type.
Oh, and a no loud sex.
That's five rules, I think.
You want this fucking
caravan or not, Town Mouse?
Yes, please. Now
Got no pets? No.
No friends? No.
No children? No.
Cash up front.
400 for the month. That's fine.
And it'll need a clear out.
No-one's been inside since Dad
died in it.
Well, he's not still in it, though?
BIRDS CAW
LINDA COUGHS
It's a bit hard to breathe
here, isn't it?
Ooh!
Bit dusty.
It's really settling on my throat.
You might want to give it a bit
of a wipe down.
Ey? You want me to clean it?
I haven't come all the way out here
just to clean up another man's mess,
and a dead one at that.
I'm sorry about that.
But I just didn't expect to be
cleaning as soon as I got here.
No, no.
That's a deal breaker, I'm afraid.
I'm not doing it.
WATCH BEEPS
PHONE RINGS
RINGING STOPS
Steve said you've left
because you've done some ironing.
Bollocks. Who is he?
Call me back.
PHONE VIBRATES
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Nice to see a bit of fresh meat.
May I?
No, I absolutely don't want
you to sit down and join me.
Woman with a bit of spunk
what can read.
Just my type. Oh, got a type?
You shouldn't be sitting
here on your own,
pretty lady like you.
Why not? It's not right.
Why isn't it right?
Ey?
Why isn't it right for an adult
woman to sit by herself
reading and drinking?
I don't know. I've never really
thought about it before.
In case someone
tries to rape
you, I suppose?
What, in here?
SNORING
Well, there's never right time or
place, is there?
I mean, it could happen anywhere,
couldn't it?
Hot-air balloon, ghost train.
In space.
Space?
Well, where there's a will,
there's a way.
That's a long way off for
you, isn't it?
What, the menopause?
No, I'm in it now.
Look. Um
Oh, Tony. Or Tone to my friends.
Tony.
You seem like a lot of fun.
But I'm 50 now.
I know I don't look it, but I am.
And I've spent most of my adult life
putting other people's feelings
and needs before my own.
Even those of complete
strangers like you.
Just politely listening along.
"Ooh, really?"
But I'm not going to do that
for a bit.
And it feels
so great.
Time, Tony is the most precious
thing we have.
And yet we just squander it.
And your time, Tony, it's not
more valuable than mine, is it?
No. No, it isn't, no.
So I'm going to sit here,
read my book, drink my pint.
You can either sit there
and be quiet or go away.
I'm not buying you a drink
and I'm not chatting
about rape in space. All right?
Yeah.
No chance of a blowjob then?
No.
Not until I finish
this chapter anyway.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, Sally, my dear
It's you I'd be kissing
Oh, Sally, my dear
It's you I'd be kissing.
She smiled and replied
You don't know what
you're missing.
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could wed you.
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could bed you ♪