The Curse (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
'One thing I realised,
after all these years,
'is you get what's coming to you.
'Let's start at the beginning.
'London, the early '80s -
it was rough out there,
the worst recession since the war.
'Thatcher had pulled
the working class's pants down,
'but in the same breath
filed down our conscience
and replaced it with naked greed.'
You will find in the new
Conservative Government
a remorseless
and implacable opponent.
'They called this little pocket
of east London the Bermuda Triangle
'because what went in
was never seen again.'
Peeling the skin back
from my eyes ♪
'We were all just surviving
back then, trying not to drown.'
OK, so we've got, er,
one double bubble,
double, er, double,
double bubble One double bubble,
double egg and beans. Yeah. Sorry.
'Albert Fantoni,
a sweet man, an honourable man,
'just a bit of a soft touch,
bless him.'
Oh, you all right, Joe? Erm
What's that doing there?
Erm, that was it,
er, Tash was just saying
I should ask, er, just, erm,
i-if you c-could s-square up
what you owe us?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
we'll pay what we owe.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. But we'll pay it in salmon.
Salmon? Yeah, salmon. We lifted
a lorry load. Fuck all we can do
with it, so you can have the lot.
No, no, that's really kind of you,
but it's just that, erm,
I dunno really what we could
Oh!
You had me there! I thought
you were gonna shit yourself!
I wouldn't do that here!
I was like,
"What are we gonna do with salmon?"
We are paying you in salmon, though.
'Mick Neville was Albert's cousin.
He tells like he could've been
a contender
'but we knew the truth -
he was soppy as a Sunday
and bullshit just poured out of him.'
About two year ago,
I'm called out to fight a man
by the name of George Foreman.
Eight men before me
he's knocked sparko.
They call me into the ring,
my old Aristotle's
going like a rabbit's nose,
I step in, I get my dukes up,
he comes at me,
"Ping! Ping! Oh!"
Have you ever been kicked
by a horse, Eric? It felt like that.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Alberto's. Tash,
it's the Captain. Is Mick there?
No-one calls you that, Phil. You
can't just give yourself a nickname.
Whatever.
Just tell Mick that I'm outside,
and make sure
you get this bit right,
I'm on a car phone.
Mick, Phil's outside.
He's on a car phone.
A car phone? Fuck off!
He says fuck off. "I can if I want."
I can make calls anywhere. Well, as
long as I can get to it in the car.
He's on a car ph
He's on a phone in his car!
Is he on that car phone again?
You know the phone you're on now?
It's exactly like that,
but it's installed in a car.
Move it!
Modern tech
Tell him it's modern technology.
Oi. Yep?
Are you daft? Sorry.
What did I tell ya?
'Ah, Phil Pocket
Bowled about like a big-time gangster
'but he didn't really have the apples
to be anything but a gofer
'for the likes of Joey
and Crazy Clive Cornell,
'the real faces, the real deal.'
You're the driver! It's not your car!
The girls are ready, babe, so I'm
gonna take them to school, all right?
OK.
All right, girls?
Daddy loves you this much.
How much do you love Daddy?
All right, soppy bollocks!
Did you get paid? Oh, yeah, erm
I need to get the girls' pressies.
Yeah, no.
Er, I was actually, erm,
going to talk to you about that.
Yeah, all sorted. Erm
Yeah, and he's paying us in salmon,
so
Salmon?
Yeah. Well, smoked salmon.
Right, so, we, erm,
we're gonna give the girls
lumps of fish for Christmas?
Yeah, I mean
OK, no, you're right. I'll sort it.
I'll speak to Joey.
Er, kissy?
Not in front of the customers.
Oh, OK, then. Yeah.
See ya.
L-Love you!
'Love only gets you so far
when you're down and broke.
'It's not a currency
and it don't pay the bills.
'Everyone round here
was just trying to make ends meet,
'just existing, like bit-parts
in someone else's story.'
What's on the agenda today, then,
Joe? What we up to?
Shut up!
'We were looking for any way
to change our luck,
'any way to get out,
to get a bit more than we had,
'but as my old mum used to say,
you've got to be careful
what you wish for.'
This Club Tropicana place
is as real as they come. Yeah?
And it's a good time and the drinks
are free for everyone.
That's what George Michael
insisted. I saw the video.
As someone in the catering sector,
I doubt the drinks would be free
but I'm sure they're making it back
off the entrance fee
or something like that.
George isn't paying an entrance fee.
He's a celebrity.
Maybe not George,
but you know what I mean.
I bet he gets so much crumpet.
Oh, God, yeah! Swimming in it! Yeah.
He's a good-looking boy,
that's for sure.
Lovely eyes. Cheekbones on the kid!
Whoa!
He's the centrefold in this month's
Just Seventeen magazine.
Why are you reading Just Seventeen?
You're 45.
Here he is! Thanks for coming.
Hello, Sid. How you feeling?
Are you well, Sid? All right, boy?
You're probably wondering where
I've been the last few months.
Well, er, Tash did tell us about,
er, Sue sleeping with her boss.
I'm really sorry to hear about that.
Who told you? Did you have
a breakdown or something?
My sister's a blabbermouth.
No, that's not what this is about.
I've got myself a new job.
Congratulations, then, Sidney, mate.
Well done. Very nice! Well done,
Sid. Got your life back together.
Good stuff. That's not why I'm here.
I'm here because I've got
a proposition for you. Oh, yeah?
I've got myself a job down in Newham.
Oh, yeah?
This little warehouse.
I say little. It's big.
The place is like an Aladdin's cave.
Cash, shipments, coming in and out.
Up to 50 grand.
I'm in! I'm all over it.
Hold on. Slow down, mate.
He's just explaining
about his new job.
Yeah, let him finish, Mick. Go on.
Well, the security there is just me
and a couple of wheezy old-timers.
They pretty much
just let you in the back door.
How did we get here?
Are you talking about a robbery?
It's not a robbery as such.
I just, er, open the door
and turn my back.
That's still a robbery.
I'll have a word with Crazy Clive.
Clive Cornell. Good friend of mine.
He's hardly your friend.
You work for him, mate.
He is my friend.
And he's a fucking lunatic.
Yeah, I think we should agree
not to involve anyone called Crazy.
Sidney, can we do it tomorrow?
I'm around all day tomorrow.
All day long. Nothing in the diary.
Not tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, not tomorrow, mate.
My time is extremely valuable.
Do you understand that?
So you tell me
when is the best time to do this.
That's a good question.
Erm, I haven't
I haven't exactly
That'll be the next
That'll be the next part of the plan
that I'd have to start thinking about
and that's what I would do.
So I'm not being funny,
but he doesn't
know what he's talking about.
He's just got off the back
of a breakdown. No offence.
Technically, it was a breakdown.
Albert, it's 50 grand.
We could all do with a drop of that.
I could do with a drop of it.
50,000 grand. I'm on the bones
of my very arse as I'm talking.
You'd be the first to get caught.
Look at the size of ya.
Albert's talking some common!
I've got too much to lose. I'm out!
No, Mick, you've got fuck all
to lose, mate. You're entitled
to a bit of cream, boy.
I'm entitled to some cream,
I never had no cream.
Big Mick's back in.
Ah, fucking hell!
So
..we have a decision.
Mick's in.
HE GRUNTS
Sidney, how about you?
Well, yeah, it's my job.
So, you're in?
Well, yeah. I invented it.
Good. Good.
Albert? Are you in?
Of course I'm not in! It's a stupid
idea. Why would I be in?
To the robbery! Yeah!
Let's not say that too loudly.
'50 grand between the four of you.'
That's like
12, nearly 13 bags each, babe.
It could be a million grand for all
I care, it's just way too risky.
I'm not doing it, never.
Remember when I was, like, 14
and I used to go up west
knocking out that dodgy aftershave?
Oh, yeah!
This old boy comes up to me once
and asked whether I wanna join this
girl group he's putting together.
He ain't even heard me sing!
So I tell him to do one.
But every now and again I think,
"What if he was real?
I could've been in Bananarama!"
Yeah. Or he could've been a nonce.
Yeah, he probably was just a nonce.
Yeah.
The point is,
we'll never know, will we?
I know, but he sounds quite noncey.
What are Phil and Mick saying?
They're idiots,
so obviously they're up for it.
They'd need someone strong
to pull it off, though, mind.
Yeah, I know, that's the problem.
A leader like
Oh Someone to take control.
We could clear all our debts.
Maybe get a new car. Yeah.
A holiday,
Breville sandwich maker
I mean, yeah, Breville have been
stepping it up a notch recently.
Mm-hm.
SULTRY MUSIC
'They say life
is a series of decisions
'and all we can do is make 'em.
'But sometimes,
one decision can change everything.'
..really buff-looking fella.
Really strong, mate.
Big arms. All right, boys?
Here he is.
Oh, my word, look at this!
You look very dapper, mate.
Do you like it?
Very dapper.
Well, they always do say,
"If you wanna be the part,
you gotta look the part."
"Good fortune always follows
a pretty dress." Yes.
May I say I'm over the moon that you
are coming on this caper with us.
Well, I just felt like, er,
you really needed a strong leader,
someone to really take control.
Well, no, I'm gonna be taking control
of the meeting
because it's my job and my
I'm the mastermind.
I'm not being funny, Sidney, mate,
but I'm the leader, OK?
And if you've got a problem
with that, then, speak to Tash.
PHIL WHISTLES
On your toes, boys. The Firm's here.
All right, Phil? All right?
I didn't know anyone else
was joining us.
MOCKING LAUGHTER Jesus Christ!
I didn't know John Travolta
was joining us!
Yeah, I was
HE MUMBLES
OK, Firm, meet the boys.
Boys, meet the Firm,
which I'm now part of.
He knows me all right!
Clive, mate, how you doing?
Handsome Mick Neville!
I used to see you down the Ford.
You know Tina.
Don't ya?
Little Tina?
OK, so if we do this thing,
we do it properly,
this thing of ours.
It's technically a thing of mine,
erm, but, yeah, a few more people
have been added to the equation.
So we thought we'd map it out
on the snooker table because it
doesn't leave a paper trail.
It's sort of like a metaphor,
in a way.
So "D""D" for Depot,
easy to remember.Sid!
MICK MUMBLES
Over here's your loading bay.
That's where they load stuff.
OK, the triangle's the getaway van
and then the different-coloured
snooker balls are us.
Does that make sense?
I'm the black ball.
No, you're gonna let us in.
I'm gonna let
I'll be letting everyone in.
What's the chalk?
The chalk?
W-We could think of something
Yeah.
And the table pockets? BOTH: Erm
What about the ashtray, then?
The ashtray
Sid?
What about the fag there?
Is that you?
N-No. So that's the depot,
loading bay and, er, this is us.
So Tell him about the
Oh, yeah. So I thought we could all
wear different-coloured balaclavas,
like snooker balls.
To differentiate
Have you finished?
Er, yeah. This is Sidney.
He works as security in the depot.
Does he?
You
You haven't said anything.
N-No, I-I was, erm
Sorry, erm
..just thinking that, er,
I dunno if I'm really up
for all this,
but, erm, I was just
popping my head in anyway,
just to see i-if everyone was,
you know, what it would look like
but not
I'm probably
Yeah, I'm just gonna shoot
and then happy to just hear
about how it all goes. OK.
JOEY LAUGHS See ya.
What's going on? Nah, nah, nah, nah.
You're not going anywhere,
Night Fever.
You now know we're involved,
so that means you are.
Well, I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Oh, he wants to be involved
very much.
Actually, what he said, Clive
Don't. He wants to be leader.
I didn't say I wanted to
That's what you said.
He wore his special suit.
As you can see, he looks nice.
I've worn it before.
He runs a cafe, you know, so he's
got experience with leading people.
Enough!
I don't like his face. Me?
The ugly ape.
Well, that's horrible.
Make him turn around.
Him and the coward.
You two, turn around. Yeah.
I wanna I'll miss out.
Just turn around!
You,
is this a fair representation
of the premises in which you work?
Well, it's not a snooker table,
but there's a green carpet
in the office.
How much do you hold there?
50 grand sometimes.
You deal with me from now on.
No-one else.
We'll be in contact
when the job's a goer.
Yeah. We'll be in touch.
You stay! I'll stay.
Keep an eye on these lot.
PHIL WINCES
That was utterly humiliating, us
stood there like a pair of plonkers
while all the fun happened
over here.
What are you doing? What?
Great. Now we've got a crazy person
involved.
Lost my shape
Trying to act casual
Can't stop ♪
'The trouble with being involved
with someone like Crazy Clive Cornell
'is you lose all control.
'Days turned into weeks
and no-one knew what was going on.
'To be honest, they secretly hoped
it had all gone away.'
CHEERING
Merry Christmas!
Ah, merry Christmas, lads.
Cheers, mate, yeah. Nice one.
What's been new, then? Me and the
big man have applied for Bullseye.
We've been getting down the Red Lion
on a Thursday,
have a little practice.
Yeah. Whoa, when was this decided?
Because I'm much better at general
knowledge than either of you two!
It wasn't an easy decision to make.
I'm the arrows,
Mick's the knowledge. Mm.
Mick does the knowledge? Yeah.
You don't even know
what day of the week it is.
How dare you? Hold your tongue.
D-Do a question on me. Go on.
OK, in terms of height,
what is the largest breed of dog?
Great Dane! Great Dane.
What you doing? You're not quick
enough. Do it again.
Do me a question now
if you wanna be the quizmaster. OK.
What shoe size is Elton John?
I imagine he's about a size five.
Size nine.
Nine? He has a massive feet for
a man of his size. That's Yeah.
Why are you all on your own,
you weirdo? I'm not a weirdo!
Clive said I have to
keep my distance from everyone,
so I'm just
Why did you come to this pub, then?
You could've gone to any other pub.
Yeah, well, why should I
be pushed out of my own local?
It's getting out of hand, sis,
to be honest.
You said this was gonna be an easy
plan. Keep your voice down, Sidney!
It was not just me
that came up with this idea,
it was both of us, remember?
You're the mastermind.
I've been thinking about that.
Maybe I could mastermind an escape.
What about that?
Just go off-grid for a bit.
I've got my tent and my, you know,
my bag.
I could just Ahem!
..just do my press-ups.
Can you do press-ups?
Yes, I can do press-ups!
I do 50 a week. Joey's here.
Don't act weird.
I'm not acting weird. You are.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hold it. Hold it.
Oh! You all right, mate?
All right, Joe. Good to see ya.
We were doing
a little weird quiz thing.
What, you're not gonna offer me
a drink, then, Albert? Oh!
I didn't know you were coming.
What would you like, mate?
Fuck off!
Listen up, we're on tomorrow. 5.00am.
Nice.
We're going fishing.
CLEARS THROA
Joey? Er, Mick.
Er, just a quick question.
By "fishing",
are you alluding to the breaking in
of Sidney's security depot?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, in his defence,
we hadn't spoken about
any sort of slang or whatever,
but I knew to roll with it, man,
and, er
Sorry!
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
The van keys. It's outside. Oh.
5.00am. 5.00am.
Oh!
Ow! Cheers, Joey, mate.
He's late.
Yeah. To be fair,
he can be quite unreliable, so, er,
what's the protocol with all this,
then?
Do we just pull it
and call it a day?
Turn around.
No-one's pulling anything.
We wait.
OK.
HE SIGHS
Anyone fancy a little game of I Spy
at all? Anyone?
No, no-one wants to play I Spy.
Come on. I'll let you go first.
Go first. You go first.
Show everyone how good you are.
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with M.
Mick? Yeah.
You know how I know? Go on.
You gave a little look out of the
side of your eye, you side-eyed me,
I know straight away "That's Mick!"
I've got to be very, very, like
Mick, I know how to play the game.
..disguised in your look. You have
to move your eyes but not your head.
You're just a bad loser.
You're a terrible loser. Stop!
That's him. Is it?
I-I can't really tell.
I dunno if it definitely is him.
No, it's definitely Sidney.
OK, well, I don't think he's ready,
maybe.
I dunno. Let's go.
Let's go. Bring the coward with ya.
Why can't you bring Phil?
Clive, please!
Half Pint and Ugly Ape,
stay in the van.
Sorry, this ugly ape thing, that's
not gonna become a thing, is it?
Shut up! There's a shooter.
I don't even know how to hold it!
You put your finger
through the little hole there.
Let's go!
"Christmas Wrapping"
by The Waitresses
Morning, chaps! Sorry I'm late.
I had a, er, delay just with the
my car.
It was, erm,
the thing had fallen off inside
into the in the engine.
You know what cars are like
when they get the thing in there!
I was I was going,
"What's that rattling sound?
That's not how it normally sounds."
And then I and then next thing,
there's all smoke coming out.
Anyway, erm, I'm gonna go
and strain the cabbage,
just cos I've been obviously holding
it in the whole time cos of the
..my car broke down,
so, yeah, I'll be back in a sec.
Ah, well,
that was completely uneventful.
Just a regular, you know
Everyone, get down on your knees
or you will die!
Get the fuck down!
What? I was not expecting this.
Shut up!
Ow!
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING
MUTED AUDIO
Open the shutters! Move it!
I've never done this before.
Really sorry.
Open 'em!
Open it.
Move it!
Fucking hell!
Fucking
HE SCREECHES
Where's the fucking money?
Is that all you've got?
Where's the rest of the money?
That's everything, I swear!
Waste of my fucking time!
Big apologies for this and just
SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND
..have a lovely week. I mean
Sorry.
Bunch of fucking cowboys!
GRUNTS ANGRILY
Sorry, everyone! Cowboys!
Have a nice evening.
'No-one believes it now,
'but they stumbled upon it
on the way out.
'By accident.
They could so easily have missed it.'
'Boxes and boxes of solid gold bars.
'7,000 gold bars, to be exact.
'That's a lot of sandwich makers.'
Boys
Come on, move,
we're running out of time.
'I remember as a kid at school,
we learnt about Howard Carter
'and that group of explorers
who stumbled across
the tomb of Tutankhamun.'
Let's go!
'The men left with treasures
beyond their wildest dreams,
'but it was said that every man
who'd taken from the tomb
'was cursed with death.
'So, why am I telling you all this?
'Well, it turns out the gold we stole
had a curse of its own.'
And I'm the only one that lives
to tell the tale.
You know you can't get away
You know you can't get away
You know you can't get away
You know you can't get away
No, you can't get away
No, you can't get away
No, you can't get away
No, you can't get away
From here
No! ♪