The Dana Carvey Show (1996) s01e01 Episode Script
The Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show
1
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the
United States.
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
As you know, it's an election year.
Nothing makes me prouder than to see our
democratic process in action.
Right now, the Republicans
are in the process of selecting
their presidential nominee,
who will oppose me this fall.
I watch with great pride as these very
qualified candidates
compete in the political arena for the
right to face me in the general election.
I welcome the challenge
from the eventual nominee,
and I look forward
to debating in this fall.
I'm sure that will be a very interesting
thing to watch.
Look, I'm sorry for laughing, but come on,
it's a freak show.
I mean, I am gonna walk in.
Man, they got some 90-year-old guy, some
funny-faced millionaire at Adolf Hitler.
I mean
Throw in a bearded lady, and I'll pay a
quarter to see it.
I mean
All right, let's just
settle down for a minute
and talk about what
this election means.
I'm here to tell you about our new
strategy.
Our latest research tells
us that I'm guaranteed
to win re-election if I
just don't do anything.
Good or bad, just freeze right here,
right now.
No sex stuff, no white water, and I am in.
Now, my wife Hillary Clinton's been the
subject of numerous accusations.
Accusations, which I believe were unfair.
But screw it, she's history, I can't
afford her.
That's right, just take her out right
there, I don't care.
Now, tonight, I'm here to assure you, I've
placed Hillary Clinton under house arrest.
In fact, I've got her locked up in her
room, take a look.
That is not a pretty sight.
But don't worry, that door is reinforced
still, so we can all breathe easier.
Now, some of you may think this is cruel,
but I'm not a cruel man.
I'm the caring, nurturing president.
And without Hillary, I can be both father
and mother to our nation.
And this isn't just talk, I've taken this
a step further.
With the employment of
estrogen hormonal therapy,
I have developed the
ability to breastfeed.
Let's just take a look here.
Let me open up my shirt so you can see
what I'm talking about.
There it is.
There, every little baby.
There you go.
Just drink up there, little baby.
I'd like to see Steve Forbes do this.
I invite the American people to suckle on
my teats.
That's right.
Suckle up.
Not too hard there.
Just suck easy, baby.
I know this is shocking to you,
and I feel your revulsion.
But do you know how many babies I can feed
with this milk?
Do you realize how much money can be saved
in the school lunch programs?
Let me show you how much.
Sit down there, baby.
That's right.
I will feed the world.
That's right.
Come on in here.
I can feed babies, as well as puppies and
kitties.
That's right.
Just suckle in there.
Strap on, Tresha.
Eat to your heart's content.
And look.
That's good stuff.
That's all right.
And kitties, too.
Good.
And look.
I've had myself surgically fitted with a
hen's ass.
So, with these warm
downy feathers, I can give
presidential warmth to these
hatching eggs right here.
Oh, thank you very much.
Now watch this thing.
From the ABC Broadcast Center in New York,
it's the Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show.
This is just such a weird feeling.
We're putting on a show that hasn't been
seen in prime time in many years.
It's going to be, what Johnny Carson will
say, a little irreverent, a little wild.
And we hope that the audience embraces it
and is ready for this kind of thing.
It's really, for my buddies at home,
that you guys, Rick and John, who my
friends from high
school have little kids now
and can't stay up past,
like, 9.30 or 10 o'clock.
This show is for
those sleepy little baby
boomers who really want
counterculture humor.
Well, you've got it now, mister.
So,
thank you so much.
Anyway, that's the idea of our show.
So, I know since it's our first time and
it's kind of an unusual thing,
I thought I'd throw it out to you guys in
the audience here tonight in our studio.
If you have any questions
at all about the show
or anything you want
to ask me, it's just fine.
Yes, sir.
What do you think about
the possibility of Bob Dole or
Pat Buchanan ever becoming
president in this country?
That is a little frightening.
But I think that, uh,
Pat Buchanan is, um,
um, just, uh, a hippie
waiting to break out.
He just, he's full of peace and love.
He probably just has, like, a little
headache or something.
Yes?
Uh, do you think that,
uh, John Kennedy was
the shooter on the grass
scene all at the time?
Oh, yes.
Do you think maybe he came
back through a time warp from the
future in order to kill himself
because he was the Antichrist?
Okay.
Just stay real still.
Clean at it.
Just stay real, real still.
Just kind of freeze yourself.
Choo-choo-choo!
Anyway.
Thanks.
A Beetle C is back.
All this month.
Leftover Beetle memories.
I remember me first Snickers bar in
America.
You know, I bit into it.
And I, you know, there was these peanuts
in there.
I couldn't bloody believe it.
And I took another bite, right?
And you can't believe how many peanuts
were in there.
It was like there was a
little man on the other end
feeding peanuts into the
candy bar I was eating.
And I called John over.
I said, John, look at this.
It's all packed with peanuts.
What's all that, right?
And John says, well, you know,
John.
You know, he says, well, of course,
you bollock.
That's what the rapper says, you know,
packed with peanuts.
I remember one time I was playing the
drums.
I looked over at George.
He was playing guitar.
Then I looked over at John.
He was playing guitar as well.
And Paul, he was singing a song.
I'll never forget that one.
I killed a man once.
I think he was a stagehand.
He looked at me funny, so I had to.
It was all taken care of by the record
company.
But, you know, so no one found out.
You know, people want to know about
yesterday.
It's no mystery, really.
You know, I was just
doing my job, you know,
plunking on the plunker
like that, you know.
I was strumming a little skiddly-widdly.
Feeling a little bit flu-flu inside.
You know, rumbly-mumbly down in there.
I had a bit of a knock-a-block.
I started with a flub-dub-dub and a
tinker-a-wink woo-woo.
I tipped up a zibby-zab-zang-zong,
you know.
And there you have it.
Yester-dibble.
Uh, yes.
Um We like, um, three
large double cheeseburgers.
Three large fries and, uh, uh,
apple pie and, uh, three Pepsis.
Yeah!
Three Pepsis!
Three Pepsis!
Shut up!
Okay, come on!
Okay, and I'll be 12-23, please.
Okay, um
Here's a 20.
Okay, I'll be right back with any change
in your food.
Okay.
We'll wait right here.
Ah!
Yes!
No!
This is an ABC News Nightline special.
The 96th Vote.
Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
Although Bob Dole continues to increase
his lead on this Super Tuesday,
his opponents continue to fight on,
each claiming some kind of victory tonight.
First, let's go to Dole Headquarters, where
the senator is leading in most states.
There's Senator Dole now.
He looks very old.
It's not only a great day for Bob Dole,
it's also a great day for Bob Dole.
And I got a message for I got a
message.
I got something to say to Bob Dole.
Bob Dole thinks he's going to back down
and
Dole!
Dole a deer, a female deer, sing!
Dole for Bob Dole!
Let's go now to Pat Buchanan Headquarters.
Let's listen in.
I want to say to the Japanese,
hey, Mr. Yakitori, hey, Mrs.
Teriyaki, hey, make your own boom
boxes and sushi, we don't need you.
And I want to say to the
Mexicans, hey, Pablo,
don de yes, a 40-foot
wall of reinforced steel.
Hey, Pablo.
Steve Forbes has not won a primary
tonight, but is claiming a moral victory.
All the pundits said we were dead.
That we'd finish fourth.
But I finished third in Minnesota,
that's right.
I couldn't have done it without my
wonderful money.
I couldn't have done it without my
wonderful money.
Let's hear it for my money.
And now I'd like some cocoa, please.
Mr. Forbes is being fed cocoa.
We'll have more updates later,
but first, watch this funny thing.
For many of us in our golden years, even
the simplest tasks become a painful ordeal.
But they don't have to be anymore with the
new taffmatic drowsy boy.
The drowsy boy has all the comfort and
convenience of a standard easy chair,
but with some special added features
that'll make your life a whole lot easier.
With drowsy boy, you'll be able to tackle
any household chore smoothly and easily.
Suddenly, everything in your house is
within reach.
Of course, with drowsy boy, you won't have
to be a homebody anymore.
It'll give you the freedom to enjoy life
the way you haven't enjoyed it in years.
You'll be right back when you've arrived,
back in the swing of things.
With drowsy boy, you may find yourself
doing things you've never done before.
Even swimming.
But most of all, drowsy
boy will allow you to
be present at life's
most precious moments.
Not just as a spectator, but as an active
participant.
The taffmatic drowsy boy, stop moving and
start living.
Let's check back in at
Buchanan headquarters,
where the candidate
is still claiming victory.
I hold in my hand the still-beating heart
of an illegal immigrant, which I
I've personally torn from his chest
cavity.
These immigrants have torn out the heart
of the American worker.
So we're tearing out the hearts
of Before they're tearing out our
Wait a minute, let me get this straight.
Okay.
They tore out our hearts.
So we're tearing out their hearts.
And we're gonna eat them.
You want some?
That's good, spicy Mexican heart?
Also tonight, Senator Phil
Graham, who dropped out after
Iowa, claimed victory as the
president of his own house.
Today, I stand here as
president of this house,
having defeated my son,
Terry, by three votes to two.
The people of this house have spoken.
Dad, Dad, Terry actually won.
Well, Andrew, all the votes are in you.
Dad, Dad, he won.
I'm sorry.
Now, Terry doesn't have the experience.
He doesn't even know how to set the alarm.
Let's check in once more
with Dole Headquarters,
where the celebration
is in full swing.
Dole!
Bob Dole!
Why won't Bob Dole debate me?
Let's get Bob Dole here.
I don't have a car in the world.
Earlier, President Clinton expressed
little concern over the Republican
primaries during his morning jog in
Washington.
I don't have a car in the world.
I'm the president.
You can't stop me.
Look at me.
I'm the president of the United States of
America.
Oh, look at that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show
would like to present
Germans Who Say Nice Things.
Our friendship is very important to me.
Let's all pile some frozen yogurt.
Would you like a background?
No, angels!
You are not getting older.
You are getting better.
You are getting better than our collection
of soaps!
Mr.
Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.
Governor Mr.
Phil There's been a lot of controversy
over whether Daner can play his many
wonderful characters from Saturday Night
Live.
Well, the fact is, these characters are
the intellectual property of NBC.
But the good news is, ABC's with Disney
now.
And our high-powered Disney lawyers have
managed to secure the right to not only
the church lady in Hans
and Franz, but also the top
ten list, Stupid Petricks,
and Larry Budd Melman.
Thanks, Larry.
And now, without any
further ado, please enjoy
the top ten list as presented
by the Church Lady.
The
home office of St.
Peter's lap, the Church
Lady's top ten new
titles for Princess Diana.
All righty.
Number ten, Princess Slut.
Number nine, Slutty Die.
Number eight, Her Royal Hornets.
Number seven, Lady Die-een to get laid.
Number six, the Slut formerly known as
Princess.
Number five, the Princess of Wales and
Moans.
Number four, Queen Orgasmia.
Number three, Slut.
Number two, Slut.
And the number one new name for Princess
Diana, Slut, Slut, Slut.
The Taco Bell, Dana Carvey show will
continue in a moment, here on ABC.
Later on Nightline, Dana Carvey talks
about his canceled television show.
The fledgling comedy
series was yanked from ABC's
primetime schedule 17
minutes into its initial broadcast.
We'll talk to Mr. Carvey and the guy who
made President Clinton's breasts give milk.
You know, one time I'm going like this,
right?
Yeah.
I look over at John and he's going like
this, right?
I look over at Ringo and he's like,
you know, like that, you know?
I look over at George and he's like,
like this, you know?
Yeah.
And I look over at John and John's like
this, you know?
And I look back at Ringo and he's like
this, you know?
He's going like this, yeah?
I look over at meself and I'm going like
this, you know?
Like that.
And this is the first sentence.
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the
United States.
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
As you know, it's an election year.
Nothing makes me prouder than to see our
democratic process in action.
Right now, the Republicans
are in the process of selecting
their presidential nominee,
who will oppose me this fall.
I watch with great pride as these very
qualified candidates
compete in the political arena for the
right to face me in the general election.
I welcome the challenge
from the eventual nominee,
and I look forward
to debating in this fall.
I'm sure that will be a very interesting
thing to watch.
Look, I'm sorry for laughing, but come on,
it's a freak show.
I mean, I am gonna walk in.
Man, they got some 90-year-old guy, some
funny-faced millionaire at Adolf Hitler.
I mean
Throw in a bearded lady, and I'll pay a
quarter to see it.
I mean
All right, let's just
settle down for a minute
and talk about what
this election means.
I'm here to tell you about our new
strategy.
Our latest research tells
us that I'm guaranteed
to win re-election if I
just don't do anything.
Good or bad, just freeze right here,
right now.
No sex stuff, no white water, and I am in.
Now, my wife Hillary Clinton's been the
subject of numerous accusations.
Accusations, which I believe were unfair.
But screw it, she's history, I can't
afford her.
That's right, just take her out right
there, I don't care.
Now, tonight, I'm here to assure you, I've
placed Hillary Clinton under house arrest.
In fact, I've got her locked up in her
room, take a look.
That is not a pretty sight.
But don't worry, that door is reinforced
still, so we can all breathe easier.
Now, some of you may think this is cruel,
but I'm not a cruel man.
I'm the caring, nurturing president.
And without Hillary, I can be both father
and mother to our nation.
And this isn't just talk, I've taken this
a step further.
With the employment of
estrogen hormonal therapy,
I have developed the
ability to breastfeed.
Let's just take a look here.
Let me open up my shirt so you can see
what I'm talking about.
There it is.
There, every little baby.
There you go.
Just drink up there, little baby.
I'd like to see Steve Forbes do this.
I invite the American people to suckle on
my teats.
That's right.
Suckle up.
Not too hard there.
Just suck easy, baby.
I know this is shocking to you,
and I feel your revulsion.
But do you know how many babies I can feed
with this milk?
Do you realize how much money can be saved
in the school lunch programs?
Let me show you how much.
Sit down there, baby.
That's right.
I will feed the world.
That's right.
Come on in here.
I can feed babies, as well as puppies and
kitties.
That's right.
Just suckle in there.
Strap on, Tresha.
Eat to your heart's content.
And look.
That's good stuff.
That's all right.
And kitties, too.
Good.
And look.
I've had myself surgically fitted with a
hen's ass.
So, with these warm
downy feathers, I can give
presidential warmth to these
hatching eggs right here.
Oh, thank you very much.
Now watch this thing.
From the ABC Broadcast Center in New York,
it's the Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show.
This is just such a weird feeling.
We're putting on a show that hasn't been
seen in prime time in many years.
It's going to be, what Johnny Carson will
say, a little irreverent, a little wild.
And we hope that the audience embraces it
and is ready for this kind of thing.
It's really, for my buddies at home,
that you guys, Rick and John, who my
friends from high
school have little kids now
and can't stay up past,
like, 9.30 or 10 o'clock.
This show is for
those sleepy little baby
boomers who really want
counterculture humor.
Well, you've got it now, mister.
So,
thank you so much.
Anyway, that's the idea of our show.
So, I know since it's our first time and
it's kind of an unusual thing,
I thought I'd throw it out to you guys in
the audience here tonight in our studio.
If you have any questions
at all about the show
or anything you want
to ask me, it's just fine.
Yes, sir.
What do you think about
the possibility of Bob Dole or
Pat Buchanan ever becoming
president in this country?
That is a little frightening.
But I think that, uh,
Pat Buchanan is, um,
um, just, uh, a hippie
waiting to break out.
He just, he's full of peace and love.
He probably just has, like, a little
headache or something.
Yes?
Uh, do you think that,
uh, John Kennedy was
the shooter on the grass
scene all at the time?
Oh, yes.
Do you think maybe he came
back through a time warp from the
future in order to kill himself
because he was the Antichrist?
Okay.
Just stay real still.
Clean at it.
Just stay real, real still.
Just kind of freeze yourself.
Choo-choo-choo!
Anyway.
Thanks.
A Beetle C is back.
All this month.
Leftover Beetle memories.
I remember me first Snickers bar in
America.
You know, I bit into it.
And I, you know, there was these peanuts
in there.
I couldn't bloody believe it.
And I took another bite, right?
And you can't believe how many peanuts
were in there.
It was like there was a
little man on the other end
feeding peanuts into the
candy bar I was eating.
And I called John over.
I said, John, look at this.
It's all packed with peanuts.
What's all that, right?
And John says, well, you know,
John.
You know, he says, well, of course,
you bollock.
That's what the rapper says, you know,
packed with peanuts.
I remember one time I was playing the
drums.
I looked over at George.
He was playing guitar.
Then I looked over at John.
He was playing guitar as well.
And Paul, he was singing a song.
I'll never forget that one.
I killed a man once.
I think he was a stagehand.
He looked at me funny, so I had to.
It was all taken care of by the record
company.
But, you know, so no one found out.
You know, people want to know about
yesterday.
It's no mystery, really.
You know, I was just
doing my job, you know,
plunking on the plunker
like that, you know.
I was strumming a little skiddly-widdly.
Feeling a little bit flu-flu inside.
You know, rumbly-mumbly down in there.
I had a bit of a knock-a-block.
I started with a flub-dub-dub and a
tinker-a-wink woo-woo.
I tipped up a zibby-zab-zang-zong,
you know.
And there you have it.
Yester-dibble.
Uh, yes.
Um We like, um, three
large double cheeseburgers.
Three large fries and, uh, uh,
apple pie and, uh, three Pepsis.
Yeah!
Three Pepsis!
Three Pepsis!
Shut up!
Okay, come on!
Okay, and I'll be 12-23, please.
Okay, um
Here's a 20.
Okay, I'll be right back with any change
in your food.
Okay.
We'll wait right here.
Ah!
Yes!
No!
This is an ABC News Nightline special.
The 96th Vote.
Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
Although Bob Dole continues to increase
his lead on this Super Tuesday,
his opponents continue to fight on,
each claiming some kind of victory tonight.
First, let's go to Dole Headquarters, where
the senator is leading in most states.
There's Senator Dole now.
He looks very old.
It's not only a great day for Bob Dole,
it's also a great day for Bob Dole.
And I got a message for I got a
message.
I got something to say to Bob Dole.
Bob Dole thinks he's going to back down
and
Dole!
Dole a deer, a female deer, sing!
Dole for Bob Dole!
Let's go now to Pat Buchanan Headquarters.
Let's listen in.
I want to say to the Japanese,
hey, Mr. Yakitori, hey, Mrs.
Teriyaki, hey, make your own boom
boxes and sushi, we don't need you.
And I want to say to the
Mexicans, hey, Pablo,
don de yes, a 40-foot
wall of reinforced steel.
Hey, Pablo.
Steve Forbes has not won a primary
tonight, but is claiming a moral victory.
All the pundits said we were dead.
That we'd finish fourth.
But I finished third in Minnesota,
that's right.
I couldn't have done it without my
wonderful money.
I couldn't have done it without my
wonderful money.
Let's hear it for my money.
And now I'd like some cocoa, please.
Mr. Forbes is being fed cocoa.
We'll have more updates later,
but first, watch this funny thing.
For many of us in our golden years, even
the simplest tasks become a painful ordeal.
But they don't have to be anymore with the
new taffmatic drowsy boy.
The drowsy boy has all the comfort and
convenience of a standard easy chair,
but with some special added features
that'll make your life a whole lot easier.
With drowsy boy, you'll be able to tackle
any household chore smoothly and easily.
Suddenly, everything in your house is
within reach.
Of course, with drowsy boy, you won't have
to be a homebody anymore.
It'll give you the freedom to enjoy life
the way you haven't enjoyed it in years.
You'll be right back when you've arrived,
back in the swing of things.
With drowsy boy, you may find yourself
doing things you've never done before.
Even swimming.
But most of all, drowsy
boy will allow you to
be present at life's
most precious moments.
Not just as a spectator, but as an active
participant.
The taffmatic drowsy boy, stop moving and
start living.
Let's check back in at
Buchanan headquarters,
where the candidate
is still claiming victory.
I hold in my hand the still-beating heart
of an illegal immigrant, which I
I've personally torn from his chest
cavity.
These immigrants have torn out the heart
of the American worker.
So we're tearing out the hearts
of Before they're tearing out our
Wait a minute, let me get this straight.
Okay.
They tore out our hearts.
So we're tearing out their hearts.
And we're gonna eat them.
You want some?
That's good, spicy Mexican heart?
Also tonight, Senator Phil
Graham, who dropped out after
Iowa, claimed victory as the
president of his own house.
Today, I stand here as
president of this house,
having defeated my son,
Terry, by three votes to two.
The people of this house have spoken.
Dad, Dad, Terry actually won.
Well, Andrew, all the votes are in you.
Dad, Dad, he won.
I'm sorry.
Now, Terry doesn't have the experience.
He doesn't even know how to set the alarm.
Let's check in once more
with Dole Headquarters,
where the celebration
is in full swing.
Dole!
Bob Dole!
Why won't Bob Dole debate me?
Let's get Bob Dole here.
I don't have a car in the world.
Earlier, President Clinton expressed
little concern over the Republican
primaries during his morning jog in
Washington.
I don't have a car in the world.
I'm the president.
You can't stop me.
Look at me.
I'm the president of the United States of
America.
Oh, look at that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show
would like to present
Germans Who Say Nice Things.
Our friendship is very important to me.
Let's all pile some frozen yogurt.
Would you like a background?
No, angels!
You are not getting older.
You are getting better.
You are getting better than our collection
of soaps!
Mr.
Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.
Governor Mr.
Phil There's been a lot of controversy
over whether Daner can play his many
wonderful characters from Saturday Night
Live.
Well, the fact is, these characters are
the intellectual property of NBC.
But the good news is, ABC's with Disney
now.
And our high-powered Disney lawyers have
managed to secure the right to not only
the church lady in Hans
and Franz, but also the top
ten list, Stupid Petricks,
and Larry Budd Melman.
Thanks, Larry.
And now, without any
further ado, please enjoy
the top ten list as presented
by the Church Lady.
The
home office of St.
Peter's lap, the Church
Lady's top ten new
titles for Princess Diana.
All righty.
Number ten, Princess Slut.
Number nine, Slutty Die.
Number eight, Her Royal Hornets.
Number seven, Lady Die-een to get laid.
Number six, the Slut formerly known as
Princess.
Number five, the Princess of Wales and
Moans.
Number four, Queen Orgasmia.
Number three, Slut.
Number two, Slut.
And the number one new name for Princess
Diana, Slut, Slut, Slut.
The Taco Bell, Dana Carvey show will
continue in a moment, here on ABC.
Later on Nightline, Dana Carvey talks
about his canceled television show.
The fledgling comedy
series was yanked from ABC's
primetime schedule 17
minutes into its initial broadcast.
We'll talk to Mr. Carvey and the guy who
made President Clinton's breasts give milk.
You know, one time I'm going like this,
right?
Yeah.
I look over at John and he's going like
this, right?
I look over at Ringo and he's like,
you know, like that, you know?
I look over at George and he's like,
like this, you know?
Yeah.
And I look over at John and John's like
this, you know?
And I look back at Ringo and he's like
this, you know?
He's going like this, yeah?
I look over at meself and I'm going like
this, you know?
Like that.
And this is the first sentence.