The Goes Wrong Show (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Hello! Merry Christmas,
and welcome back
to Play of the Week,
where each week a new play
is performed live
in front of a studio audience
here in Cornley
and broadcast to the nation.
-I am Chris Bean,
the director.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I'm thrilled to present
tonight's Christmas play.
-Before we begin,
let's meet the
-Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris
-Yes.
-What noise
does a reindeer make?
Clearly a matter
for rehearsals, Dennis.
Before we begin,
let's meet
the star of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
for Father Christmas.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.
I've come all the way
from Lapland
with my favorite two elves,
Nistle and Nostle!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Well, we've got
just enough time
before the main event
to meet some children from
the local area.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right, so who have we got.
Right Grace.
Grace, what would you like
for Christmas, Grace?
I'm not Grace.
Why are you looking
at me, then?
Don't make eye contact
if you're not Grace.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-Who's Grace?
Right, okay,
what do you want for Christmas?
An Xbox.
An Xbox?
Are you sure that's the gift
you prearranged
with the producers?
Yes.
[LAUGHS] Oh, ho, ho, ho,
I think the producers agreed
there was a £15 limit
and you'd be getting a copy
of Robert Groves'
Anything You Can Act,
I Can Act Louder,
now with diagrams.
And it's even signed
by the author, you see?
"To Grace."
That says "Grate."
So sorry.
Let's fix that, shall we?
There we are.
Now it says "ungrateful."
Right, let's do another.
-What do you want
for Christmas?
-PlayStation.
Right, no games consoles.
That's not the budget
we're working with.
Have an acting book.
Right. What would you like
for Christmas, little girl?
-I'm a boy.
-Oh, who chose these?
All right, that's clearly
enough of that.
Let's get on with the show.
The actors are prepared,
the stage is set.
Please enjoy
"The Spirit of Christmas."
SANTA: Dreadful section.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
NARRATOR:
One Christmas Eve,
not long ago
a sweet little girl
built a man out of snow.
She sighed as she played
in the cold winter air
for she had some worries
she needed to share.
Hello, Mr. Snowman,
you're going to be
my best friend.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I won't say that again!
What do you want me
to do, Maude?
I've been running errands
all day for you,
picking up all the food.
It's 8:00
and I've still got to prepare
all this for tomorrow.
Fine. What can I do to help?
Cut up these chicken breasts,
will you?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Try not to make
a mess of it.
I see you got
the cheap sausages.
-Daddy, can we do a cracker?
-Of course we can.
The crackers are for tomorrow.
Maude, just let her
pull a cracker.
It's Christmas Eve,
for goodness sake!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Why don't you decorate
the tree?
Oh, can we?
I'll do the baubles
-and you can do the tinsel.
-[GIGGLES]
MAUDE: Make sure
you spread it out evenly,
I don't want it
looking silly.
Oh, no, where's the
Where's the star?
Oh, I can't see it.
What? You've lost
my grandmother's star?
I haven't lost it,
I just can't find it
I can't trust you
with anything, can I?
You know what,
I think I need some air.
[SNIFFS]
When is Daddy coming back?
I don't know, darling.
Can I sleep
downstairs tonight
so I can wish him
a happy Christmas
when he comes home?
Of course you can,
sweetheart.
And I'll put out
some sherry for Santa.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Dear Santa
Can you help me?
I am feeling sad today
I've been good
I've been kind
I've been helpful
But my cheer has gone away
Dear Santa
Can you help me?
I don't know what to do
If I promise to be better
Would you make
my wish come true?
I don't want
to ride a reindeer
Or a sunny holiday
Bring it down.
I don't want
a Christmas party
Or a present
from your sleigh
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Dear Santa
Can you help me?
I'm feeling oh, so blue
Dear Santa, Dear Santa
Dear Santa
Could you make my wish
[NOTE FALLS FLAT]
Come true! ♪
[EXHALES]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
NARRATOR:
Away went Belle's letter,
high up in the sky.
She just had to wait now
for Santa's reply.
Would he have the answer?
Could this do the trick?
Belle put her trust
in kindly Saint Nick.
She lay down her head,
her heart full of care,
dreaming that Santa
would answer her prayer.
SANTA:
Ho, ho [GROANS]
Oh, come on!
My sack's caught
on the flue.
NISTLE:
You can't say that.
SANTA: Of course I can,
it's a literal sack.
Not talking about
my balls, am I?
SANTA: [GROANS] Okay,
now my actual sack is caught.
[BANGING]
NISTLE: Robert? Robert.
SANTA: [GRUNTING]
Be careful.
NISTLE: Be careful, Robert!
[SANTA SCREAMING]
[ALL GRUNT]
[SANTA GRUNTING]
[CONTINUES GRUNTING]
Hand me the gifts.
[GROANS]
Bloody acting books!
[PANTING]
Oh, sorry.
Come out! [PANTING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Wake up, dear one.
-Santa?
-Ho, ho, ho!
That's right.
I received your letter,
Belle,
and it moved me greatly.
Are you sad, Belle?
I am, Santa.
Belle's sad.
-Aw!
-AUDIENCE: Aw!
What are you doing?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Do not participate.
Unbelievable.
God, I just feel
so dreadfully low.
That just won't do!
But don't worry,
because I've brought
my two elves
to come and help you.
Come along, Nistle!
Come along, Nostle!
NISTLE: Here I come!
[CHIMES]
Hello, Santa!
NOSTLE: And here I come!
[CHIMES]
NOSTLE: I'm coming.
[THUMPING]
I'm on my way.
Almost.
Al [THUMPING CONTINUES]
Ah.
I shall remain.
SANTA: Nistle and Nostle
are the happiest two el
Two elves in all of Lapland.
That's because
we're the closest of friends
and wherever
you see Nistle
NOSTLE: You're sure
to see Nostle!
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
We're Nistle
And Nostle
The closest of friends
When we're both together
NOSTLE:
The fun never ends
If I'm feeling rotten
NOSTLE: Never despair!
'Cause Nostle will lift me
up in the air!
When Nistle goes
-NOSTLE: Nostle goes
-[MUFFLED CLAP]
And when Nistle goes
-NOSTLE: Nostle goes
-[MUFFLED CLAP]
-And when Nistle goes
-[BELLS CHIMING]
NOSTLE: Nostle goes ♪
[BANGS] Ah!
Hey! [THUDS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
SANTA: Well. That was good.
Ah, Belle,
I see you've left me
some sherry.
How delightful.
[GROANS]
It's real sherry.
And some mince pies.
Delicious!
Delicious.
But Belle, you said
in your letter
you don't feel
the spirit of Christmas
this year.
That's right, Santa.
Aw, well, this is serious.
Why don't you both
have a mince pie?
And I'll have another nip
of sherry
and we'll solve
our troubles together.
Yes, we will!
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
[MUMBLING]
Just another nip.
Just a couple more nips.
Just a couple more nips.
That's a lot of nips.
-[STAMMERS] Are you
really going to help me, Santa?
-I will, in a minute.
I'm just working
on something else
quite complicated here.
Ah! Stop it! Stop! Stop!
Right, get out of the way!
That really was
too many nips.
-Santa?
-Hmm? Yes.
Well, in difficult times
what you need is
a magfastic fagical friend.
A fanfastic magifal
A fantastic vaginal friend.
A friend. A friend.
Perhaps an old friend
of mine
can be
a new friend of yours.
[MUSIC STARTS]
SINGER:
When you're feeling blue,
When you're all alone,
When you don't know
what to do
And you're on your own
All you need
is a good friend
A brand-new Christmas chum
He'll get you smilin'
and singin'
And stop you feeling glum
Ho, ho, ho!
He, he, he!
Let's all be merry and gay!
He, he, he!
Ho, ho, ho!
A new friend's on his way!
-Ho, ho, ho!
-SANTA: Shh. Tommy,
I can take it from here.
[DRUNKENLY]
Ho, ho, ho!
He, he, he!
Let's all be merry and gay!
Everybody!
-He, he, he!
-AUDIENCE: He, he, he!
-Ho, ho, ho!
-AUDIENCE: Ho, ho, ho!
A new friend's
[SHOUTING] Go on! Go on!
Way
Oh, you've missed it now.
You missed it.
That's the end.
You say it there.
Right now
Right now,
we're going to do it.
We'll do it, "On his way."
Three, four
-On his
-AUDIENCE: On his way
Terrible.
Absolutely terrible.
Again.
On his
AUDIENCE: Way
No, it's a D Flat.
On his
AUDIENCE: Way ♪
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We'll call it there
Don't patronize me.
Right, let's meet a new friend.
Right, stand back everyone.
Get ready to see some magic!
[CHIMES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hello, Santa!
Hello, Mr. Snowman!
Merry Christmas,
my old friend.
Well, if you've called on me,
that must mean someone's lost
their Christmas cheer.
That's right.
Come inside and meet Belle!
I'll have to be careful
I don't melt!
Oh, get over yourself.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[EXCLAIMS]
Hello, Belle!
Hello, Mr. Snowman!
It's very nice to meet you!
I'm going to be
your new best friend!
Give me a hug!
Yay!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
We're going to
have so much fun!
We can play together.
Every day's an adventure
in the snow.
This is not
your best work, Chris.
I'm always happy
to make a new friend.
There we go, Belle.
Don't you feel better now?
Yes, thank you, Santa.
Much, much better. [SOBS]
Oh, don't cry.
Us elves don't like it
when people cry.
NOSTLE:
I can't bear to look.
I'm sorry.
It seems like nothing
can bring back
my Christmas cheer.
[SOBBING]
Sometimes everyone feels sad.
Denise left me.
I've not gotten over that.
I'm sure I can cheer
Belle up, Santa.
Most of the time I'm fine
and then
bam!
It hits you.
I'm always happy.
Why? You're
essentially enslaved.
Why don't you take a look at
what gifts Santa has brought
and see
what there is for you?
[STAMMERS] Can we help you?
No! No it's fine.
I've got it.
I've practiced this.
[GRUNTS]
Yeah!
There!
It's a new doll!
Aw, thank you, Mr. Snowman.
It says on my list
that dolls
aren't Belle's favorite toy.
-This calls
for the toy machine.
-Of course!
We can make it appear
by magic!
Can't we, Nostle?
NOSTLE: I think
I'm running out of air!
That's right!
-Ready, Nostle?
-NOSTLE: Ready!
Here we go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Three.
NOSTLE: Two.
One!
[MUSIC FADES]
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Wow!
This is
the magical toy machine.
It can make anything
you can dream of.
Any toy imaginable.
Not rude stuff, obviously.
Tell me, Belle,
what are your favorite things
in the world?
Unicorns!
I think we can manage that,
can't we, Nostle?
NOSTLE: My legs are numb!
[NOSTLE EXCLAIMS]
And here we go.
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[MACHINERY SQUEAKING]
Here we are.
One unicorn.
Oh, he's
He's beautiful.
And it's time for us
to be on our way.
Of course. Lots more toys
to be delivered!
But look, Santa,
Belle's still crying.
[SOBS]
What is it now?
What a drain.
Christmas is hard
for all of us, you know.
Where are my gifts?
Think about that.
What's wrong, Belle?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I love my new friend,
and my new doll
and my new unicorn
but I just still
don't feel very happy.
Something else
must be wrong.
Something else
must be wrong!
Come on guys, switch on!
MAUDE: Belle?
What's all that noise?
Oh, it's Mummy! Hide!
SANTA: Quickly,
behind the curtains.
Belle?
Are you awake, darling?
Sleep well, sweetheart.
[GASPS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Lawrence
When are you coming back?
It's gone 10:00.
What do you mean you're not?
It's Christmas Eve
and we're all alone.
Belle's counting on you.
I'm counting on you.
Merry Christmas, Belle.
Now I know
why you're so sad.
Oh, Belle,
family is
the most important thing
in the world,
especially at Christmas.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm a snowy old snowman
With carrot nose
and twig hands
But I cannot deny
That I adore
A family by the fire
It's all that I require
NOSTLE: Oh, no! [SCREAMS]
Christmas is
a time worth melting for
Every snowflake
is a tiny piece of winter
[SHOUTING] Each gust of wind
a breath from winters old
Now summer's disappeared
without a whimper
But you're not alone
to face the cold
For if a snowy old snowman
With carrot nose
and twig hands
Is all we need
to see the winter through
Is all we need
to see the winter through ♪
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Did you enjoy that, Belle?
Not even that lifted my spirit.
Lifted mine.
Do your parents
fight a lot, Belle?
[EXHALES] My mummy
and daddy fight all the time.
And the truth comes out!
I don't want presents
or even friends,
all I want is
for my parents to be happy.
It's like Nostle always says.
NOSTLE: I'm horribly burned.
I just don't know
what else we can try.
My buttons are made of biscuits.
We could all eat those.
Thank you, Mr. Snowman!
Mmm.
[GASPS]
Did that taste good?
Yes.
Didn't make you happy though,
did it?
I'm afraid not, Nistle.
Of course it didn't.
She just ate a plastic button
off his pants.
Oh, Santa, remember,
we have still have presents
to deliver tonight,
all over the world.
I'm sorry, Belle.
Nipple's right.
We have to go.
Come on, Nozzle.
NOSTLE: We must return
to the chimney.
You're already in
the chimney, you fool.
The sleigh's
in the garden anyway.
None of this play
makes sense.
I shall return to the snow.
This is not
your best work, Chris.
-Santa! It's time to leave.
-Hmm!
Goodbye, Belle.
Merry Christmas.
Oh!
Oh, Santa, now you look sad.
I've never failed
to bring Christmas cheer
to a little one before.
It is a sad, sad Christmas.
And we've never known
the magical toy machine
not to work.
What a car crash.
-[CHIMES]
-But Santa, look!
Sleep tight, Belle.
Lawrence?
Look what I found.
Is that the Christmas star?
Yes.
Oh, thank you
so much, darling.
It must have fallen out
on the garden path
when I was bringing in
the decorations.
Splendid.
Now it really feels
like Christmas.
Mummy? Daddy!
Oh, sorry, Belle.
I didn't mean to wake you.
Have you stopped fighting?
Yes, Belle.
Yes, we have.
I'm sorry I lost my temper.
I thought you were fighting
because of me.
Of course not, sweetheart.
I'm sorry
for arguing with you, darling.
[MAN GROANS]
Christmas isn't a time
for fighting.
It's a time for love,
kindness and understanding.
SANTA: You stupid man.
I hope you have
a bad Christmas.
NISTLE: Oh, Santa.
Look how happy Belle is now!
Perhaps we weren't
needed here after all.
All she needed was
the love of her mother and
Oh, this is saccharine crap.
Give it six months,
he'll be living in his car
like I am.
Don't feel bad,
it's a Honda Civic.
Right, time for bed,
I think,
or Santa won't come!
I'm already here, you idiot!
[MIMICS CURTAINS CLOSING]
Merry Christmas, Belle.
Oh, thank you, Santa!
Thank you, Belle.
Let's have another one
of those sherries.
No, I don't think
that I should.
I'm only a little girl.
You're 26.
Right, come on.
Final hurdle, here we go.
[STUTTERS] What have
you learned?
Well, I've learned that
at Christmas
I don't need presents
and toys.
As long as I have
my family in my heart,
I know I'll be happy.
Have you learned anything
tonight, Santa?
Not really.
-Nothing?
-No, I'll tell you
one thing I have learnt.
Christmas, ultimately,
commercial holiday.
Who's the real winner
at Christmas?
I'll tell you who.
Amazon.
They have drones now.
Tiny little dystopian sleighs
delivering iPads
and headphones.
I ordered a toaster,
it was on the doorstep
five hours later.
Do we need that?
It was 4.99.
For a toaster!
I mean, someone's
being exploited there,
aren't they?
Santa, I think we should
I know! I know!
I expect you're all going
to write in, aren't you?
Typical BBC audience.
Nothing better to do
than sit around complaining
about my conduct.
Well, this time
just leave it.
All right? Leave it.
Don't cut away. [GROANS]
We've had enough complaints
this series,
no one even reads them
anymore.
Do you know
what we do with them?
We burn them.
In a massive weekly bonfire
in the car park.
Which ironically generates
a lot of complaints.
Santa, I think we should go.
Oh, yes, walk away!
-Just like Denise!
-NISTLE: Oh!
Am I giving
a good performance?
Aw! Bye-bye, Santa.
Wow. Hint taken.
Let's roll.
Hello, Rudolph.
Chris, you're having
a shocker.
-Bye, Belle!
-Bye, Santa!
Are you ready, Rudolph?
Clearly a matter
for rehearsal, Dennis.
Remember, little ones,
if you're ever worried
about a thing,
I'll come to your house.
A merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night.
NARRATOR:
Belle's family were reunited.
They were full
of festive cheer.
All looking forward
to a happy new year.