The Other One (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

(pleasant music)
- That's it, a bit more.
Bit more.
- How much room do I have?
- You got tons of
room, babe, bit more.
- Tons isn't really a
measurement of distance, so.
- Baby, you're doing
really, really, well.
- Thank you.
- If at any point you want
me to take over, just--
- No, no, no, I'm okay.
I just actually need you
to be quiet for a sec.
- You gettin' this on
the Insta story, Mom?
Me sister got me a yacht!
- For the love of the lord.
- And then type hashtag
sister from the same mister,
and then hashtag brap brap,
with the crying laughing faces.
Three of 'em, yeah?
- How far am I from the wall?
Cat, can you tell me
when to stop, please?
(glass tinkles)
Oh my god, what did I hit?
- Shit.
- I am mortified.
- You got that on Insta
story, haven't you Mom?
Wicked.
Out your name
You know that I'm falling
And I don't know what to say
- So the boat isn't a
birthday present, per se,
it's just Mom's finding it
weird having it in the driveway,
and until we find
Dad's will, so.
- Oh god, Cathy, that
is such a relief.
You know, 'cause
I was struggling
as what I could get
ya as good as a yacht.
- Oh, it's a two bed cruiser.
Don't worry, don't
get me anything.
- You're my sister, of course
I'm gonna get you something.
- Wow, yeah and then that's just
for the single window, right?
Mhmm, yeah.
- You know what?
Why don't you put the money
that you would've spent on me,
into your icer?
- Right, so, the
yacht key, here.
So we don't lose it.
So, what's the plan, party-wise?
You know, I've got a mate's,
mate's, mate's, mate,
who went on one of those
ministry of sound
boat party things,
and apparently a guy died.
But like, in a good way.
- Aw, Dad got you
one of these too.
Does it still work?
- [Toy] It still work?
- Wish I hadn't
thrown mine away.
- Oh no, I could never
chuck any of these.
They're far too precious.
- I mean, they're
precious to me too.
- Guess you had Dad.
I just had these teddies.
- [Toy] I just
had these teddies.
(dog barks)
- Coming!
- That was a dog.
- Really, no.
Anyway, I'm up now, so.
(dog barking)
(both humming along)
(classical music)
- That's the best
we've ever done it.
- Oh I hate this fancy phone.
Can you do the
downloading thing for me?
- Hand it over, T-bone.
Right.
Go on, hit me.
- Okay, Plenty of Fish, Tinder,
My Single Friend, Hinge,
OkCupid, Elite Singles,
Huggle, Badu,
The League, Bumble,
Christian Mingle, and
Thrinder, Thrinder, Thrinder.
- What all, all of them?
- I missed the first
sexual revolution
because I was living in Gilford.
I'm not missing this one, too.
- [Cathy] Can't stay long,
'cause Marcus and
Mom are waiting.
- Tea, G and T, G and coffee?
- No, I've gotta
skedaddle, alas.
- You remind me of Dad,
always bugging off somewhere.
Ain't she always bugging
off somewhere, Mom?
- I would like to stay, it's
just I'm up to my eyeballs
on picking Dad's estate.
- An estate, what
like with a moat?
Well, we've got half a moat.
- It's more like a probate,
just 'cause he didn't
leave any paperwork.
I was actually saying
to Marcus the other day,
this is funny, I said
if my life was a film,
it'd be called
"Bad Will Hunting."
(Cathy laughs)
Exactly.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
- Ask if I can use the lavatory.
- You can ask me yourself, love.
We shared a man for 30 years,
I think our bums can
share a loo seat.
- In the kitchen,
to the left, babe.
(urine tinkling)
Sounds like a
freakin' water cannon.
- Why is she dressed like
she works in a cattery?
- Oh, Nordic walking.
It's a classic
grief distraction.
- Ah, I get it.
I will never get over your dad.
He was my sexual zenith.
- Don't go there.
- You do anything nice
for your birthday, then?
- It's finished,
yeah, show's over.
- Oh, no, it's gonna be too
weird without Dad this year.
Don't want a fuss.
What about you, Cat?
Have you got any birthday plans?
- Yeah, Mum's got
us some tickets
to Cirque du Soleil
this weekend.
- You know how Colin
loved Cirque du Soleil.
- Did he?
(Tess coughs)
- Come on, Cathy.
- Oh, still can't believe you
were born five days apart.
You could be identical twins.
(upbeat music)
(horn honks)
- Okay guys, come on,
let's plant those poles
and push that gait.
Mrs. Walcott, isn't it?
Christopher.
Christopher Shippen.
I used to teach Catherine.
- Oh, gosh yes!
I didn't recognize you at all.
- Well, I went on a bit of a
health kick when I retired,
lost a third of my body weight.
Thank the Norse gods
for Nordic walking.
It literally saved my life.
- Well, it's taken
years off you.
- Okay, you got me.
I may have fillers,
just a smidge here.
And here, here,
here, here, and here.
But enough about
me, oh and here.
Anyway, is this your
first time Nordling?
- It is, yeah.
I often see you guys
circling the park
with your bum bags,
and your ski poles
and think, wow, they look cool.
So, yeah, voila.
- I like the cut of your
cagool, Mrs. Walcott.
- Oh, I'm no longer
Mrs. Walcott.
Just call me Tess.
- Interesting.
Wanna spot me around
the bend, Tess?
- Try and stop me, please.
Dear Cathy
Happy birthday
To you
I did the scrambled egg thing
that your dad used to do.
- Eggy bread.
- And, your present!
- Oh, wow.
Aw, thank you.
Is this the one I
sent you the link for?
- Open your card.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh wow, Saturday night.
Don't really feel like
celebrating this year.
Can we just get a takeaway
and watch "Escape
to the Chateau?"
- Hey, hey, hey, you've
had a really tough year
what with your dad, and your
sister, and work, and your mum.
- And your dick pics.
- Okay, look.
What I did was not cool,
but that's why I want this
to be a real celebration
of you turning 28.
And me being forgiven,
and us getting back to
having fun, and being in love
now that you've fully
forgiven me, yeah?
- What's the plan then, Marcus?
- All right, nosy Nora.
- Just hate surprises.
- Fine, I'm taking
you out for dinner.
- Where?
- Mm-mm, nope.
- Marcus.
Marcus.
- No, I'm not telling you.
- Marcus!
- Malhams.
- That should be a
really nice surprise.
But, no fuss, okay?
- Oh.
You do make me chuckle,
Mrs. Walcott-Tandoor.
- It's Tandoor-Walcott.
(people chattering)
(Cathy belches)
- God one of those bastards
lived in this building.
- Oh, shit, shit, shit.
- Oh hey, I'm looking for me
sister, Catherine Walcott.
- Who shall I say is here?
- Oh, don't worry.
I've spotted her.
Oh well the birthday girl
Bring me the birthday girl
I love the birthday girl
Classic Dad song.
Why you hiding?
- I'm not hiding.
- Come to give you a lift home.
- I actually don't
finish work 'til five,
and I'm viewing a
house with Marcus, so--
- Ah, shit!
I've lost a flamingo.
- Do you know what, I
can finish this at home.
Come on.
(upbeat music)
Oh it was late
Last night
I was feeling something
- Lost the dolphin.
Damn it.
There was not
another soul in sight
Only you
Only you
So we won't
- So, have you got the
address for this house?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, bloody hell, Cathy.
Check you out.
That's like a proper,
grownup house.
- You think?
- Yeah.
- I don't like being grownup.
I mean, I guess it's good
not being ID'ed, but--
- True story, I've
never been ID'ed.
I've looked exactly the
same since I was 11.
- It sucks getting
older, doesn't it?
I used to get so excited about
birthdays when I was little.
Dad always used to
make me breakfast.
He'd spell out my
age in eggy bread.
- Oh god, yeah.
He used to do that for us, too.
I forgot about that.
- You all right?
- Yeah, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ah, shit.
You know, when it
just sorta hits you,
like the eggy bread thing.
Just haven't thought about it.
- It's weird what
gets you, isn't it?
I actually, I called Dad's
answer phone the other day
just so I could hear his voice.
- I still use
Dad's Amazon Prime,
to send myself presents.
Last week, I cried when I
got the Sonos sound bar.
- Do you still have access
to Dad's Amazon account?
- Yeah, Cath, Cath listen.
I know you wanna
keep things low key,
but I've got a mate
that can get us
on the guest list on
Friday night at Embargo's.
10 shots for 10 pounds 10.
- Wow.
Isn't that kind of
bargain illegal?
Annoyingly, I've got a work
event on Friday night, so.
- Saturday?
- Balls!
Marcus has booked
a dinner thing.
- Oh, yeah it's fine.
- Obviously I would way
rather do something with you.
Maybe next year?
- Yeah, yeah next year.
We could do like a foam
party or something.
- [Cathy] Yes, that is
definitely something to mull on.
- This room's actually,
it's got a view.
You guys don't have any
paracetamol, do you?
- Oh, I try and
avoid painkillers.
I'm anti-big pharma, with a P-H.
I'm not anti a big pharma.
Hang on, I might have
some rescue remedy.
Balls!
I left my water bottle
in Cat's car, balls!
- Guys look, I'm just gonna
level with you, all right.
Colleague of mine
flogged a care home,
and we had a little
bit of a celebration
last night, yeah, yeah?
And I am paying for it today.
(agent chuckles)
What else have we got here?
Oh, main bathroom.
Mate, you're gonna love this.
Come this way, Marky Mark,
get ready to crap
your decks, buddy.
Motion activated lights, baby.
- Wow!
- Yes, wow.
(phone ringing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
I absolutely have to get this.
Hello, ah mate!
What are you doing?
Yeah, I'm pissing
wine, literally.
- What's wrong with this place?
- I just hate automatic lights,
and they turn off if you
take too long to poo.
It feels so judgy.
- We've seen 23 places now,
and there's been something
wrong with all of them.
What is going on?
This is supposed to be fun!
- But, I just wish Dad was here.
He was so good at
this kind of thing.
Also I'm really
P'ed off at myself
for forgetting my water bottle.
It's like, effervesce, Cathy!
- Okay, if I pop over to Cat's,
and pick up your bottle,
will that cheer you up?
- I need to get the
toilet, I'm gonna vom!
(agent retching)
(flames crackling)
- Mom!
For God's sake.
This is a council
designated smokeless zone.
No, no, no, no, no,
that's Dad's stuff!
God, don't burn his diaries.
- Why do you care?
- Because, well,
of course I care.
I mean, there's so much
we don't know about Dad.
Like, okay, today I found out
that he likes Cirque du Soleil.
Did you know that?
- I don't know how to
say this any clearer,
that man is dead to me.
- He's dead to all of us.
He's dead.
- He's particularly dead to me.
- You can't get
increments of dead.
You're either dead,
or you're not dead.
- Talking of which, what are
we doing for your birthday?
Now, I have got my beginner's
adult tap that weekend,
but I'm keeping
Saturday night free.
- Brilliant.
- What does that mean?
You don't want to do
anything with your mother?
- No, it's just,
Marcus is taking me
for a surprise birthday
dinner at Malhams.
- Oh, oh yeah, okay.
- But look, I'm sure we could
make it a table for three.
- That would mean a lot.
- Okay.
Ooh, that is Marcus's
university netball fleece.
Actually, you know
what, burn it, yeah.
(Marcus sighing)
(Cat tapping)
(Marcus yelps)
- Oh, hi Cat.
Yeah, I've just popped over to
pick up Cathy's water bottle.
- Right, well you
better come in then.
- Okay.
- You all right?
(Marcus coughs)
- Is it cool if I open a window?
- Please don't.
I have a medical condition.
I'm anti fresh air.
- It's a boring GP
question, I know,
but have you ever considered
cutting down on
the old cigarettes?
- I avoid everything that
could give me cancer.
Sun, asbestos, toast, the works.
So, I think I'm allowed
the odd fag every now
and again, Marcus.
(Marcus coughs)
- So, my sources tell me
that you're taking Cathy
out Saturday night.
- Yeah, she deserves
a good spoiling.
She's had a tough year.
- As have we all,
love, as have we all.
- Well, here's the thing.
Cathy really wants to do
something joint with me,
do you know, 'cause we've
only just found one another,
and it's our first
birthday without Dad.
- Right, she didn't mention--
- Yeah, can I finish yeah?
So, me and my mum
have discussed it,
and we've agreed that we're
gonna come to your meal.
You know, 'cause that would
make Cathy dead happy.
- You don't have to thank us.
- Um.
- And also, you will be
paying for the meal, right?
Because otherwise,
I won't be able
to come to my own
birthday dinner.
You are welcome.
- [Cathy] Can you not
listen to me peeing, please?
Oh, by the way, I've invited
my mum to my birthday dinner.
(toilet flushes)
- Crap.
- [Cathy] Is that a problem?
- Huh, no!
- [Cathy] Goodnight.
- I, I invited Marilyn
and your sister as well.
- Why would you do that?
- They made me!
They wanted it to be a surprise.
Do you think you could just
talk your mom out of it?
- I can't un-invite my mother.
She's psychologically
very delicate right now.
Did you know she
started using gifs?
- What?
- This morning she sent me
one of a minion farting.
- God.
- Yeah, exactly.
I'm extremely worried
about her, Marcus.
So no, you're gonna have to
go back to Cat and Marilyn,
and tell them they can't come.
- So, if we could just put
a pin in Saturday night,
that'd be really helpful.
- You asked us to sell our
Cirque du Soleil tickets,
we've gotta come now.
- Okay, I didn't
ask you to do that,
but how about I buy
you two more tickets?
- Are you joking?
Is he joking?
The whole run sold
out before Easter.
- So?
What time's the car
picking us up on Saturday?
(upbeat music)
(phone dings)
- God!
Bit of a mixup.
So, Marcus screwed up, and
to cut a long story short,
Cat and Marilyn are coming
to dinner on Saturday night.
I'm sorry, but maybe we could
do something together next week.
- No, I'm still coming.
She stole my husband, she
is not stealing my daughter.
I'm gonna come to your
surprise birthday dinner,
even if I hate every single
shitting second of it.
- Really looking
forward to it now.
- If you'll excuse me.
I've got to work on my
diagonal pole plant.
- Oh, good.
(upbeat music)
Thank you, Marcus.
- [Marcus] Oh wait, baby.
- I can get it.
- Okay.
Hi, table for Tandoor.
- [Host] Yes, just this way sir.
- Thank you.
This is us, right?
Our favorite table.
- No, sorry, your table's
right through here.
- Why didn't you just cancel?
- [Both] Surprise!
- Oh my god!
I had no idea!
- I hope you don't
mind we swapped tables.
It's just, I'm no good
near constantly
wafting exterior doors.
- Right.
- It's well fancy
in here, innit?
Five star food hygiene rating.
- [Host] Are we expecting
one more, madam?
- Oh, madam, he is posh.
- My mum will be
here any minute.
- Cathy, I brought you this.
- Cat, we said no presents.
- I know, but I
think you'll like it.
- Hello.
Look who it is.
- Happy birthday.
- Mr. Shippen.
Wow.
You look so different, sir.
- Well, I treated myself
to follicular plugs
as a retirement presi.
- And this is my nearly
son-in-law, Dr. Marcus Tandoor.
(dishes clatter)
Can we get another place
made, thank you so much.
I thought since it was
a free for all now,
you wouldn't mind if I
brought along a plus one.
- Hi, Christopher.
- Hi, I'm Marilyn, this is Cat.
- So, Chris, how
do ya know Tess?
- Well, I used to
teach Cathy geography.
I know, hard to believe.
And then, as fate would have it.
Tess and I crossed paths on
our Nordic walking class.
- What's Nordic walking?
- Well, it's basically a full
body workout using ski poles.
- Oh, so like skiing
but without the skis.
- Exactly!
- Never knew it
snowed round here.
- Oh, you don't need snow.
- So what's it got
to do with skiing?
- And how do you two
ladies know Cathy and Tess?
- Oh, well Cathy is my sister,
and me mum over here was
Tess's husband's mistress
for 30 odd years, lucky woman.
- So, tell me in your
professional opinion
as a geography teacher,
which is the best of
all the countries?
- Well, I would have to
say, as a geographer,
Iceland.
- Guys, this is depressing.
I read in the New Scientist
that melting glaciers
are causing more volcanoes,
all because of global warming.
(Christopher chuckles)
- Please, global warming.
Anyway, to answer your
question, Marilyn,
I recently flew to Ankara to
have a little procedure done,
and I just fell in
love with the place.
- I've been to
Turkey, to Bodrum.
I was serenaded by a
teenage boy on a moped.
It was all very "Call
Me By Your Name."
Only without the,
you know, anal.
- Everyone know what
they want to order?
- [Both] Yeah, I'll
have the roast salmon,
but with no asparagus.
- Just makes my pee smell.
- Yeah, I don't eat anything
that begins with ass.
You know, I'm a little
bit weird about ice cream,
because it's nearly ass cream.
- On that note, I must
pay a visit to the ladies.
Thank you, Christopher.
- Cath, could we borrow
you for a moment please?
Just outside.
Excuse us.
Listen, Cathy.
Sending Meredith those
self-portraits of my manhood,
well, that was definitely bad.
But maybe, maybe it was also
a really good thing to do.
Because, I could've
just slept walked my way
through the next decade,
not knowing how good
what we have is.
- What are you doing?
- Cath, some people renew
their marriage vows.
Well, I would like to
renew my marriage proposal.
Catherine Walcott, I love you.
Will you marry me, again?
- Yes.
Get up, please.
- Okay.
(both laughing)
Yay, it fits.
(upbeat music)
- Strictly speaking,
that is geography, yes.
But Love Island isn't
a real island, no.
- It looks so real!
- Anybody want anything
else from the bar?
Another vodka, Christopher?
- I've got a couple
of cheap points
going a begging, why not?
- Oh, Cat give me a hand.
- Bread anyone, bread?
- Oh, I shouldn't, go on then.
- Shit.
- Someone called Meredith.
He doesn't look
like a dick pic--
- No, they never do.
What a prick.
- I hope Cathy makes
him pay for it.
- Oh, he'll pay.
Excuse me, how much is your
most expensive
bottle of champagne?
- [Bartender] I'll just
check for you, madam.
(Cat crunching)
- Uno vodka and
ice, Christopher.
- Cathy, can you tell
her he doesn't need hers.
I've already ordered him one.
- Oh, that's all right.
I'll drink them both!
Marcus, are you finished
with that bread?
Thank you.
- [Tess] Oh yes, yes, thank you.
- So, Cathy, how's your dad?
(Marilyn gasps)
- Didn't Tess tell you he died?
- Oh, I am so sorry.
I got completely the
wrong end of the stick.
Tess, I thought
you were divorced.
- I left him.
- He had a heart attack.
- I'd say being dead was
a pretty good reason
to leave somebody.
What do you know?
- Can I have two more
of these, please?
- No no, no, no more, thank you.
We're fine, thanks.
Sorry, could I actually
check our tab, please?
- Certainly, sir.
- What do you mean,
what would I know?
I have lost the only
man I ever loved.
- Oh, please.
Don't flatter yourself.
He just used you
for intercourse.
- Yes, we had an incredible
physical relationship
that was both deeply satisfying,
and mutually exploratory,
but it was more than just sex!
We had a daughter together,
he was besotted with Cat.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Okay, if he loved you so much,
then why did he always
come back to us, hm?
I'll tell you why, because
you were his hobby.
You were one night a week,
and we were six nights a week,
which means statistically
that he loved us
six times more
than he loved you.
- I don't think statistics--
- Right, okay, stop.
All right?
All of you.
This is my, our, birthday meal,
so let's just change
the subject, shall we?
Mr. Shippen, Cat and Marilyn
are going to Cirque du
Soleil this weekend.
- Oh!
- Pretty fun, isn't it?
- Well, no, 'cause
Marcus made us
sell our tickets to come here.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
- God's sake, Marcus,
I said no fuss!
Happy birthday dear
- [Cathy] You shouldn't
have done this.
Happy birthday to you
(all cheering)
- Oh, happy birthday princess.
- Thank you, Mom.
Bloody hell, thank you so much.
- Big blow.
- [Cathy] Happy birthday.
(all cheering)
- [Cat] I'll never eat all that.
Happy birthday to you
- Again?
Happy birthday dear Cathy
Happy birthday to you
(all cheering)
- It's lovely Marcus, thank you.
- Sorry, could I just
borrow your Visa card?
I was dancing when I was 12
I was dancing when I was 12
I was dancing when I was out
I was dancing when I was out
I danced myself
right out the womb
- [Colin] Hello, you've
reached the voicemail
of Colin Walcott.
Please leave me a message,
and I'll call you
back after the tone.
Thanks, bye.
Is it strange
to dance as soon
I danced myself
right out the womb
(doorbell rings)
I was dancing
when I was eight
I was dancing
when I was eight
Oh where's my birthday girl
Bring me my birthday girl
I love the birthday girl
Bring me my birthday girl
Come to make you
birthday eggy bread.
- Oh my god, Cathy, amazing!
Text you when I'm up, yeah?
Is it wrong to understand
The fear that
dwells inside a man
What's it like to be alone
I liken it to a balloon