The Reluctant Vampire (2026) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
THUNDER RUMBLES
THUNDERCLAP
SNORING
THUNDER RUMBLES
ROARS
BOY WHISPERS: Dad,
I need the toilet.
What?
I need the toilet, Dad.
You are 15 years old.
Why didn't you go
before we left the castle?
I didn't need it then.
HE SIGHS
I don't suppose you have
a toilet he could use.
SHE WHIMPERS
DOOR OPENS
HE SIGHS
TINKLING
I see you have a keen eye
for tat.
SHE WHIMPERS, TOILET FLUSHES
Much better.
You going to carry on
with the, uh?
Not now!
BAT SCREECHES
It's
Lovely home.
So, that's another hunt I ruined.
Pretty embarrassing
when your dad's the King.
BAT SQUEAKS
Because, while royals
are the last people
you'd expect to prey
on vulnerable women,
for a vampire,
it's a show of strength,
which means I've got
some explaining to do.
Uh
PIANO PLAYS
Mother, Father,
about the little hiccup
on the hunt earlier.
I just wanted to
That's not us, love.
Oh!
WHISPERS: So who are they?
It's just some bats.
So why have them in the house?
You can see
the potential for confusion.
I received a letter from
King Vladimir of the Urals.
His boys wiped out
a whole congregation.
They've had a massacre
named after them.
One wonders if his sons
would forget to go to the toilet.
Vernon understands.
Valentine's the heir to your throne.
You can't very well give it
to his younger brother.
Well, at least Vernon
looks like a vampire.
True. I do have
a Dracula quality about me.
When we visited Carpathia,
a lot of people said
that I looked like a count.
They're not wrong.
I don't even know
if Valentine likes blood.
Like it? I love it.
It's probably my favourite drink.
Mmm, exquisite choice,
by the way, Father.
Type A, but lightly churned
due to poor circulation,
with notes of lavender?
Mm-hm. So, European mainland,
circa 1700,
perhaps from the neck
of a Flemish merchant.
Very good. You're up.
I am thirsty,
so this is perfect, innit? Mmm.
HE SLURPS
HE RETCHES
HE RETCHES
HE EXHALES
That
That is
a wonderfully sweet
Dry vintage,
drawn from the neck
HE SNIFFS
of a humble
Aristocratic
an aristocratic
haemo
sexual philiac.
VICTOR GROANS
Very drinkable. Lots of body.
Shouldn't they sieve that out?
God, this is awful.
Valentine's just a late developer.
There were things you couldn't do
when we were first married.
HE CHUCKLES
That happened but once,
and I was awfully tired.
He's 15, and what is he -
3ft 3, 3ft 4?
Depends on the shoes, but yeah.
Mother's right -
I am a late developer.
Don't like blood,
can't turn into a bat.
And look at me -
the fangs of a 15-year-old vampire
should be three-eighths
of an inch long.
Mine are half that.
At my age, I should be able
to bite through
a 4oz slab of leather
but when I tried it
LAUGHTER
I ended up with my teeth stuck
in a throne,
and then a face full of bum sweat.
And when you're heir to the throne,
people want answers.
How was the King's hunt,
Your Highness?
Well, that's not for me to
But you were there to observe.
Victims?
One. Blood type?
I'm trying to think.
B, O?
No, just trying a new aftershave!
HE LAUGHS
Yield?
Hmm? How much blood was taken?
Can't you just put,
"Hunt went well"?
Well "Hunt went well."
They've not even noticed I'm gone.
Anyone would think
I'm the Invisible Man.
You're not the Invisible Man.
The Invisible Man's
the Invisible Man.
WOMAN: Oh, the name's Viv.
Gosh. Didn't even know he was there.
Oh, no, I'm a woman, so it's a
If I may, your Highness,
you are not invisible.
As your butler,
I'm keeping an eye out for you,
night and day.
You are my sole priority.
No ifs, no buts.
Oh! Something shiny!
Arrgh!
It's at this point I remember
there's something else
I've not learned yet.
Flying.
And what's most annoying,
apart from the fact
that I'm falling to my death,
is that my younger brother
mastered it ages ago.
Is there any better feeling
than flying through the sky?
You're an inch off the ground.
It's still the sky. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. It's not, mate.
No, flying isn't something
I've mastered.
Unfortunate when you've
just fallen off a balcony.
HE SCREAMS
Whoa!
Oh, my word!
VALEETA: Mind out for that light!
My boy flies!
HE CHUCKLES
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Fly, boy wonder! Yes, boy, yes!
Did you see that turn?
Look at him soar!
KEYS CLANG
HE GASPS
I flew!
I just flew!
Through the the
Through the sky!
You were only a couple of feet
off the ground.
Still the sky.
Look, he honestly thinks
that one little flight means
that he's ready
for his initiation ceremony!
HE LAUGHS
My son is ready
for his initiation ceremony.
I completely agree. Oh, Victor,
you do get overexcited.
Well, that was once.
And those pyjamas were very silky.
Oh, he's only had
one successful flight.
I think we should probably wait
until his fangs have come through.
Nonsense, darling!
Carpe noctem. Seize the night!
He shall be initiated
at the next convening
of the Blood Council.
Walk with me, son.
My boy. My sweet boy.
HE GIGGLES
I have something very important
to show you.
When my great-grandfather
was initiated,
vampires flew in
from all corners of the Earth.
Well-wishers lined the streets,
for when he passed
his initiation test,
he would enter full vampire hood
and one day become King,
to continue
our dynasty's glorious reign.
Aw, what a lovely story.
He didn't pass.
Oh.
He sunk his fangs
into a woman's neck.
He got rather carried away
with the applause,
uh, the blood clotted in his throat,
and he choked on a scab.
He? Choked on a scab.
Choked? On a scab.
Well, that'd do it.
As a consequence for his failure,
my family were usurped
and forced to live in penury
and shame.
It would be another 300 years
before we'd reclaim the throne.
But that was very much a one-off.
Ah All will be OK if you follow
the teachings of this.
Oh!
Er, that's my underwear catalogue.
Whoops. Ah
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Can I?
No. Ah-ah-ah! No?
All will be OK if you follow
the teachings of this.
The Vampire's Handbook.
The Vampire's Handbook.
It's not just about
having no reflection
or burning to death in sunlight.
It's an essential guide
that prepares a young vampire
for the biggest day of his life -
his initiation ceremony,
when he'll first bite a human,
before friends, family,
and, inevitably, several aunties,
who are actually
just his mum's friends.
Now it's to be my turn,
and I've never seen Dad so excited.
After all,
he's not an easy man to please.
These aren't my usual size, Robert.
I went for the size up
to accommodate the plumper buttock.
The what?
Er
I have a little something for you.
The initiation cloak,
given to me by my father
for my initiation ceremony,
passed down by countless
generations of our family.
I now give it to you.
Look at you. It's perfect!
Obviously, there's a few
little alterations to be made.
I can get my tailor on those.
Well, rather, his widow, but
Father, um
I'm really touched.
But you're not going to cry.
No. Good.
Ha!
Hello, darling.
HE HISSES
ALL CHUCKLE
We're sure this collar
isn't too big?
We don't want him looking
like a dog after an operation.
Oh, he looks fine.
Strong. Mighty.
Looks like a king!
You're a child no more, Valentine.
Which is what your father and I
wanted to talk to you about.
Did we? Did you get the pamphlet?
I put it on your coffin-side table.
It was called Becoming A Big Boy.
Mmm. Well, yeah, but
Because when a vampire
reaches maturity,
he goes through
certain bodily changes.
The thought of blood
might excite him in a way
he hasn't felt before. Mum!
Is this really necessary?
We're having a moment.
All part of reaching adulthood.
If he's not ready to talk
about the bats and the beetles,
he's not ready for his
initiation ceremony, Victor.
Val, if you'd like to hold off
for a couple of years,
we can always postpone.
I know what you're doing.
You don't want him to be initiated.
You've got to let go.
I'm an adult vampire now.
I'm ready.
If you're such a grown-up vampire,
then you're ready to take on
the responsibilities
of a future King.
Yeah. Starting this evening.
Fine. As long
as it's not shaking hands
at one of those receptions,
forcing a smile, while saying,
"And what do you do?"
And what do you do?
I'm a vampire,
but I used to be a muck raker.
And that involves?
Raking.
Muck.
What,
literally just raking muck?
You see some muck and you'll just
Rake it.
HE SIGHS
How many more?
Four. Oh, that's not too
hundred and 16.
HE SIGHS
I always thought
it was my father
who never believed in me.
But my own mother
thinking I'm not ready.
I should be getting ready
for the initiation ceremony,
not nodding and smiling
with muck rakers.
Oh, he's not even washed his hands.
I don't know what
she's worried about. I mean,
what kind of wretched halfwit
can't even pass
a simple initiation?
They would have to be
absolutely abysmal.
HE CHUCKLES
Exactly.
I didn't pass mine -
I must point that out.
It's how I had my accident.
I tripped over with my fangs out
and bit myself in the eye.
That's not possible.
That's what I thought. Igon!
My back needs shaving!
It's why I do this now.
Well, look,
if the worst does happen
You don't think I'm up to it
either!
Well, the last time you went along
on one of your father's hunts
You know what?
I'm going to go back to that house.
I'm going to seize that human,
and I'm going to deliver her
to Father personally.
Without permission?
Just watch me.
HE PURRS
Actually, don't. Mmm. Sorry.
I can't wait to see everyone's face
when I come back with a human.
So, after a quick visit
to the toilet -
that's important -
I just need to check
the coast is clear.
TOILET FLUSHES
Then I'm good to go.
HE WHISTLES
You, er, going somewhere,
Your Highness?
Uh
no.
Only, you've, er,
got your cloak on.
Now, now. Ours is not
to chitchat and gossip.
The gargoyle stands as a warning
against potential foes.
Very much first line of defence.
Oh, I thought gargoyles
were mainly spouts
to drain off rainwater.
Ha! A common misconception.
In actual fa
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
HE CLEARS THROA
Forgive me.
MAN: Thing about me as a werewolf,
I totally get the female experience
because, in a way,
I also have a monthly cycle.
Oh, Val!
'Sup?
Wilf!
Your dad's hunt didn't go well?
It went fine.
So what if it didn't? Who cares?
I love blood as much as the next
werewolf on a full moon.
Rest of the time, I like granola.
But it's like I say,
don't let the monster
define the man.
Just like I don't let
the wolf define
the "were".
Like, take the Yeti - sure,
he eats rock climbers
and devours mountain goats,
but that's just one side of him.
No-one ever talks about
his love of literature
or his wonderful baritone.
Or Doctor Jekyll -
yes, he's got the Mr Hyde stuff,
but in the daytime,
he's a bloody good GP.
Is this going somewhere, or?
It's just, I heard
about your initiation ceremony.
Is there any way of, uh,
swinging an invitation
to the ceremony?
I swear
I'll be more than respectful,
especially after the whole
St Satan's Day party.
I had no idea it was a full moon.
I had no idea.
Of course.
Um, I'm sure you'll look
very fetching.
DISTANT APPLAUSE
What's that supposed to mean?
That that you'll look nice.
Didn't say "nice".
You said "fetching".
Why "fetching"? Fetching,
like a dog fetches a stick,
like I'm a dog to you?
Dogs and wolves
are completely different,
so your joke doesn't even work.
I just think he meant
He knows what he said, Trish.
Whatever I did last time,
everybody seems to find it
so-o-o-o amusing.
OK, be honest -
did I embarrass myself?
Pff
WOMAN SCREAMS
HE HOWLS
Nah.
FINGERS SNAP
My mission -
sneak to the village,
return to the scene
of my father's hunt,
and bring the woman back here
before you can say "hero's welcome".
Although you will have
to say it quite slowly.
THUNDER RUMBLES
HE HISSES
Yes?
Can I help you?
Oh!
Uh
Where's the where's
the woman that lives here?
There's no woman here.
It's an Airbnb.
Ah.
Are you? Hmm?
It's a vampire. No. No!
SHOUTS: Vampire! No!
Vampire!
HE SCREAMS
Vampire! Agh!
Vampire!
Vampi-i-ire!
Vampire!
No, Susan, I have had it with him.
Coming over here,
drinking our blood,
bat droppings like
Mini black puddings.
And now whatever this is
With our Gertie out there -
well, enough!
It's time to deal with it
once and for all.
HE GRUNTS
CROWD SHOUTS ANGRILY
Come on, stick together.
BARKING
SHOUTING
HE PANTS
HE GASPS
SLURPING, LIPS SMACKING
Whoa! I-I wasn't doing anything.
Oh!
It's OK! It's OK.
I came here to do the same thing.
You do this too?
What? Why not? I'm old enough.
You know what people are like.
That lot in the village
would go nuts.
Exactly. Which is why
we need to hide.
Now!
They treat us like outcasts.
We're not that different from them.
I don't think so.
The only thing we do
The one little difference.
Is we come out at night and
practise kissing.
Drink blood. Pardon?!
Practise kissing -
is that not?
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: No!
No, it is!
Yeah, I was just
just checking.
Ah.
On a scarecrow?!
Do you mean that there was no-one
in your village
that you could practise with?!
I'm 15.
If any of my friends knew
I'd not kissed a boy yet,
I'd be about as popular as a
Vampire! Get him!
HE SQUEALS
Come here.
How do you like your stake -
bloody or?
Stop it! Gertie!
Daddy was doing a pun!
But, Dad, he's not a vampire.
Open your eyes, Gert.
He's got a bat on his tie pin.
Yeah. Because I like
airborne rodents.
It doesn't mean I turn into one.
Well, what's he doing here, then?
He reckons he comes here to
practise kissing.
Hmm? Don't you?
Here you go. Yeah.
Uh, on a pumpkin?
LIPS SMACK
Ugh
Oof.
I've named her Mary.
Oh, Mary
Hmm.
LIPS SMACK
OK. Well, good luck with it all.
Um
I had no idea people do
that sort of thing, but, uh, yeah.
What a, uh, hilarious
misunderstanding.
Gertie, follow us home now.
Everyone, stop staring. Come on.
Call it a night.
I'm Gertie, by the way.
I'm Val.
What's Val short for?
Stopped growing when I was four.
I meant the name. Oh!
Valentine, son of Victor,
Lord of the West,
third of my name.
Mmm. I see why you go with Val.
You're weird.
Says the girl kissing a pumpkin.
Gertie, home! I'm going!
Thank you, for the kissing thing,
by the way.
Thanks for saying I'm not a vampire.
HE GIGGLES
Well, you're not, are you?
Oh, what, because I'm small?
Cos I don't have the teeth?
Cos I don't fit your stereotype?
No. Because you have a reflection.
Maybe see you around sometime.
HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY
CLOAK FLAPS
It's tradition to wait
until your initiation ceremony.
Mother!
Yes. True.
I was just
practising some moves.
HE HISSES
Then why let her go?
Huh?
Oh, I, um
I was getting
a very slight hum of
of garlic from her, and I thought,
"No. No, I'll get the next one."
Go pick up a farm wench in a bit.
Is something wrong?
No. Just, um,
skimming a a few stones.
Oh. Didn't know you knew how.
I mean, well, this one should be,
what, four-bouncer?
Five, maybe? Yeah?
WHISPERS: Bad pebble.
Mmm.
Mum
Vampires
HE CHUCKLES
They, um they don't have
to tick every box, do they?
You know, we
we're meant to have big fangs,
but Uncle Olaf's teeth fell out,
and he was still a vampire.
Just a a vampire
who had to use a straw.
So, say there was a vampire
who was like all the other vampires,
but who happened to have, say, a
A reflection.
You're not a vampire, love.
Of course I am.
I'm so sorry, but you're not.
Wha?
What do you mean? I
I drink blood.
I-I flew around the room.
No, none of that was you. It was me.
With a little help
from an unseen friend.
Swapping out blood
for beetroot juice
or carrying you Waah!
To make it look
like you were flying.
The Invisible Man!
Sorry, um, I'm actually a woman.
This is a private conversation!
That doesn't mean anything.
If if your mum and dad
are vampires,
that makes you a vampire.
That makes me a vampire. And
That's how it works!
Unless
you're not my mum and dad.
What is a mum and dad, really?
If it's someone who bathes you
and dresses you
and comforts you when you're sad
and loves you
every day of your life,
then we are your mum and dad.
But
Twas a dark and stormy night.
Twas?
I was on a hunt,
flying high over the River Ouse,
when, hark, I heard a baby crying.
Looking down, I saw a house
ablaze by a river bank.
I saw the baby in the doorway
BABY CRIES
and I realised his parents
were trapped inside the inferno.
I couldn't bear to see him orphaned,
so I swaddled him in my cloak
and saved his life.
I mean, what else could I have done?
Put the fire out?
With what?
With water.
You just said
you were on a river bank.
And because there was nothing else
I could have done,
I plucked that child
from certain death,
took him home
and raised him as my own.
Perhaps I shouldn't have been
so selfless.
Perhaps I should have looked
the other way.
But when a child is in peril
You were going to eat me,
weren't you?
No!
Maybe. Yes. A little.
At first.
But, Val,
when I looked into your eyes,
I couldn't bear for any harm
to come to you.
I can't believe you and Dad,
you kept this from me all this time.
Dad doesn't know?!
He was away in Carpathia,
and he'd wanted an heir for so long!
And it wasn't easy, let me tell you.
When you're a woman over 400,
your loins start to, well
Yeah, of shrivel.
Ugh. And I just thought,
well, as long as I can
pass you off as a vampire,
we won't break your father's heart.
But how did you think
we were going to do that?
I just thought,
after a while, you'd learn
to pick up our vampire ways.
You don't pick up being a vampire.
It's not conversational French!
We're going to have to tell him.
No!
Yes! I know this has come
as a shock to you.
It's a shock to me, too.
You've known for 15 years!
We can just manage
to keep this between us.
Just our little secret.
Little?!
Nothing about this secret is little.
And let me tell you,
it won't be a secret
for much longer,
when I'm there
at the initiation ceremony,
making "mm-mm, oh, yeah, mm-mm,
this tastes lovely" noises,
while trying to pretend
to bite a human neck! It's just
It's it's not going to happen.
I've got to tell Dad the truth.
HE TAKES DEEP BREATHS
Father?
Are you busy?
Just arranging my drinks trolley
into blood type.
Right.
Lots of AB negative
just shoved to the back.
I mean, who brings that to a party?
That's, er
It's the it's the thing
with blood.
There's lots of different types.
At the end of the day,
they're all blood.
A bit like a family.
I don't see how that
Well, you, um, you have your
your popular types,
like, uh like King Valkar.
Ah, yes. Mastered the power
of Zymonzes -
the ability to command humans
to do one's bidding.
A whonderful vampire.
Quite.
Um
Then you, uh
uh, you have your
less good ones.
Your Great-Grandfather Vanya.
HE SPITS
Oh.
He was a more
"failed his initiation"
type vampire,
but he's still very much
part of the family.
HE STAMMERS
There's a fondness.
VICTOR SCOFFS
There's no fondness there.
So why have his portrait up?
That is not a portrait.
That is Vanya.
Isn't it, Vanya?
Yeah.
He was crammed in and framed,
so he's on constant display.
You can't suffer eternal shame
if no-one's staring at you!
Yeah. And, er
When a vampire brings shame
upon himself,
he's supposed to suffer.
Are you suffering, Vanya?
I can't move.
I've had an itch on my nose
for 150 years.
I wish I could help you.
You could scratch
I just whish I could help.
Now, what was it you wanted to?
Boy?
Well, that's a diddler.
Expecting to be a vampire,
then finding out you're a human
is like expecting to eat a buffet
and finding out
you're a sausage roll.
It calls for wise heads
and smart thinking
GARY: Guess how many I saw today?
Which you don't tend to get
from gargoyles.
Wow, that's a lot of clouds, Gary.
Who counts clouds
Guess how many I saw yesterday.
Out loud 912.
For 13 hours?
Guess how many I saw
the day before that.
One.
Yeah, it was overcast,
so I class that as just one big one.
Hardly very sophistica-a-a-a
Pardon me.
No-one can find out the truth.
As long as I'm careful
and don't give myself away,
I'll be able to keep everyone
in the dark.
Which is, of course,
where vampires belong.
I mean, how hard can it be?
THUNDER RUMBLES
THUNDERCLAP
SNORING
THUNDER RUMBLES
ROARS
BOY WHISPERS: Dad,
I need the toilet.
What?
I need the toilet, Dad.
You are 15 years old.
Why didn't you go
before we left the castle?
I didn't need it then.
HE SIGHS
I don't suppose you have
a toilet he could use.
SHE WHIMPERS
DOOR OPENS
HE SIGHS
TINKLING
I see you have a keen eye
for tat.
SHE WHIMPERS, TOILET FLUSHES
Much better.
You going to carry on
with the, uh?
Not now!
BAT SCREECHES
It's
Lovely home.
So, that's another hunt I ruined.
Pretty embarrassing
when your dad's the King.
BAT SQUEAKS
Because, while royals
are the last people
you'd expect to prey
on vulnerable women,
for a vampire,
it's a show of strength,
which means I've got
some explaining to do.
Uh
PIANO PLAYS
Mother, Father,
about the little hiccup
on the hunt earlier.
I just wanted to
That's not us, love.
Oh!
WHISPERS: So who are they?
It's just some bats.
So why have them in the house?
You can see
the potential for confusion.
I received a letter from
King Vladimir of the Urals.
His boys wiped out
a whole congregation.
They've had a massacre
named after them.
One wonders if his sons
would forget to go to the toilet.
Vernon understands.
Valentine's the heir to your throne.
You can't very well give it
to his younger brother.
Well, at least Vernon
looks like a vampire.
True. I do have
a Dracula quality about me.
When we visited Carpathia,
a lot of people said
that I looked like a count.
They're not wrong.
I don't even know
if Valentine likes blood.
Like it? I love it.
It's probably my favourite drink.
Mmm, exquisite choice,
by the way, Father.
Type A, but lightly churned
due to poor circulation,
with notes of lavender?
Mm-hm. So, European mainland,
circa 1700,
perhaps from the neck
of a Flemish merchant.
Very good. You're up.
I am thirsty,
so this is perfect, innit? Mmm.
HE SLURPS
HE RETCHES
HE RETCHES
HE EXHALES
That
That is
a wonderfully sweet
Dry vintage,
drawn from the neck
HE SNIFFS
of a humble
Aristocratic
an aristocratic
haemo
sexual philiac.
VICTOR GROANS
Very drinkable. Lots of body.
Shouldn't they sieve that out?
God, this is awful.
Valentine's just a late developer.
There were things you couldn't do
when we were first married.
HE CHUCKLES
That happened but once,
and I was awfully tired.
He's 15, and what is he -
3ft 3, 3ft 4?
Depends on the shoes, but yeah.
Mother's right -
I am a late developer.
Don't like blood,
can't turn into a bat.
And look at me -
the fangs of a 15-year-old vampire
should be three-eighths
of an inch long.
Mine are half that.
At my age, I should be able
to bite through
a 4oz slab of leather
but when I tried it
LAUGHTER
I ended up with my teeth stuck
in a throne,
and then a face full of bum sweat.
And when you're heir to the throne,
people want answers.
How was the King's hunt,
Your Highness?
Well, that's not for me to
But you were there to observe.
Victims?
One. Blood type?
I'm trying to think.
B, O?
No, just trying a new aftershave!
HE LAUGHS
Yield?
Hmm? How much blood was taken?
Can't you just put,
"Hunt went well"?
Well "Hunt went well."
They've not even noticed I'm gone.
Anyone would think
I'm the Invisible Man.
You're not the Invisible Man.
The Invisible Man's
the Invisible Man.
WOMAN: Oh, the name's Viv.
Gosh. Didn't even know he was there.
Oh, no, I'm a woman, so it's a
If I may, your Highness,
you are not invisible.
As your butler,
I'm keeping an eye out for you,
night and day.
You are my sole priority.
No ifs, no buts.
Oh! Something shiny!
Arrgh!
It's at this point I remember
there's something else
I've not learned yet.
Flying.
And what's most annoying,
apart from the fact
that I'm falling to my death,
is that my younger brother
mastered it ages ago.
Is there any better feeling
than flying through the sky?
You're an inch off the ground.
It's still the sky. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. It's not, mate.
No, flying isn't something
I've mastered.
Unfortunate when you've
just fallen off a balcony.
HE SCREAMS
Whoa!
Oh, my word!
VALEETA: Mind out for that light!
My boy flies!
HE CHUCKLES
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Fly, boy wonder! Yes, boy, yes!
Did you see that turn?
Look at him soar!
KEYS CLANG
HE GASPS
I flew!
I just flew!
Through the the
Through the sky!
You were only a couple of feet
off the ground.
Still the sky.
Look, he honestly thinks
that one little flight means
that he's ready
for his initiation ceremony!
HE LAUGHS
My son is ready
for his initiation ceremony.
I completely agree. Oh, Victor,
you do get overexcited.
Well, that was once.
And those pyjamas were very silky.
Oh, he's only had
one successful flight.
I think we should probably wait
until his fangs have come through.
Nonsense, darling!
Carpe noctem. Seize the night!
He shall be initiated
at the next convening
of the Blood Council.
Walk with me, son.
My boy. My sweet boy.
HE GIGGLES
I have something very important
to show you.
When my great-grandfather
was initiated,
vampires flew in
from all corners of the Earth.
Well-wishers lined the streets,
for when he passed
his initiation test,
he would enter full vampire hood
and one day become King,
to continue
our dynasty's glorious reign.
Aw, what a lovely story.
He didn't pass.
Oh.
He sunk his fangs
into a woman's neck.
He got rather carried away
with the applause,
uh, the blood clotted in his throat,
and he choked on a scab.
He? Choked on a scab.
Choked? On a scab.
Well, that'd do it.
As a consequence for his failure,
my family were usurped
and forced to live in penury
and shame.
It would be another 300 years
before we'd reclaim the throne.
But that was very much a one-off.
Ah All will be OK if you follow
the teachings of this.
Oh!
Er, that's my underwear catalogue.
Whoops. Ah
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Can I?
No. Ah-ah-ah! No?
All will be OK if you follow
the teachings of this.
The Vampire's Handbook.
The Vampire's Handbook.
It's not just about
having no reflection
or burning to death in sunlight.
It's an essential guide
that prepares a young vampire
for the biggest day of his life -
his initiation ceremony,
when he'll first bite a human,
before friends, family,
and, inevitably, several aunties,
who are actually
just his mum's friends.
Now it's to be my turn,
and I've never seen Dad so excited.
After all,
he's not an easy man to please.
These aren't my usual size, Robert.
I went for the size up
to accommodate the plumper buttock.
The what?
Er
I have a little something for you.
The initiation cloak,
given to me by my father
for my initiation ceremony,
passed down by countless
generations of our family.
I now give it to you.
Look at you. It's perfect!
Obviously, there's a few
little alterations to be made.
I can get my tailor on those.
Well, rather, his widow, but
Father, um
I'm really touched.
But you're not going to cry.
No. Good.
Ha!
Hello, darling.
HE HISSES
ALL CHUCKLE
We're sure this collar
isn't too big?
We don't want him looking
like a dog after an operation.
Oh, he looks fine.
Strong. Mighty.
Looks like a king!
You're a child no more, Valentine.
Which is what your father and I
wanted to talk to you about.
Did we? Did you get the pamphlet?
I put it on your coffin-side table.
It was called Becoming A Big Boy.
Mmm. Well, yeah, but
Because when a vampire
reaches maturity,
he goes through
certain bodily changes.
The thought of blood
might excite him in a way
he hasn't felt before. Mum!
Is this really necessary?
We're having a moment.
All part of reaching adulthood.
If he's not ready to talk
about the bats and the beetles,
he's not ready for his
initiation ceremony, Victor.
Val, if you'd like to hold off
for a couple of years,
we can always postpone.
I know what you're doing.
You don't want him to be initiated.
You've got to let go.
I'm an adult vampire now.
I'm ready.
If you're such a grown-up vampire,
then you're ready to take on
the responsibilities
of a future King.
Yeah. Starting this evening.
Fine. As long
as it's not shaking hands
at one of those receptions,
forcing a smile, while saying,
"And what do you do?"
And what do you do?
I'm a vampire,
but I used to be a muck raker.
And that involves?
Raking.
Muck.
What,
literally just raking muck?
You see some muck and you'll just
Rake it.
HE SIGHS
How many more?
Four. Oh, that's not too
hundred and 16.
HE SIGHS
I always thought
it was my father
who never believed in me.
But my own mother
thinking I'm not ready.
I should be getting ready
for the initiation ceremony,
not nodding and smiling
with muck rakers.
Oh, he's not even washed his hands.
I don't know what
she's worried about. I mean,
what kind of wretched halfwit
can't even pass
a simple initiation?
They would have to be
absolutely abysmal.
HE CHUCKLES
Exactly.
I didn't pass mine -
I must point that out.
It's how I had my accident.
I tripped over with my fangs out
and bit myself in the eye.
That's not possible.
That's what I thought. Igon!
My back needs shaving!
It's why I do this now.
Well, look,
if the worst does happen
You don't think I'm up to it
either!
Well, the last time you went along
on one of your father's hunts
You know what?
I'm going to go back to that house.
I'm going to seize that human,
and I'm going to deliver her
to Father personally.
Without permission?
Just watch me.
HE PURRS
Actually, don't. Mmm. Sorry.
I can't wait to see everyone's face
when I come back with a human.
So, after a quick visit
to the toilet -
that's important -
I just need to check
the coast is clear.
TOILET FLUSHES
Then I'm good to go.
HE WHISTLES
You, er, going somewhere,
Your Highness?
Uh
no.
Only, you've, er,
got your cloak on.
Now, now. Ours is not
to chitchat and gossip.
The gargoyle stands as a warning
against potential foes.
Very much first line of defence.
Oh, I thought gargoyles
were mainly spouts
to drain off rainwater.
Ha! A common misconception.
In actual fa
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
HE CLEARS THROA
Forgive me.
MAN: Thing about me as a werewolf,
I totally get the female experience
because, in a way,
I also have a monthly cycle.
Oh, Val!
'Sup?
Wilf!
Your dad's hunt didn't go well?
It went fine.
So what if it didn't? Who cares?
I love blood as much as the next
werewolf on a full moon.
Rest of the time, I like granola.
But it's like I say,
don't let the monster
define the man.
Just like I don't let
the wolf define
the "were".
Like, take the Yeti - sure,
he eats rock climbers
and devours mountain goats,
but that's just one side of him.
No-one ever talks about
his love of literature
or his wonderful baritone.
Or Doctor Jekyll -
yes, he's got the Mr Hyde stuff,
but in the daytime,
he's a bloody good GP.
Is this going somewhere, or?
It's just, I heard
about your initiation ceremony.
Is there any way of, uh,
swinging an invitation
to the ceremony?
I swear
I'll be more than respectful,
especially after the whole
St Satan's Day party.
I had no idea it was a full moon.
I had no idea.
Of course.
Um, I'm sure you'll look
very fetching.
DISTANT APPLAUSE
What's that supposed to mean?
That that you'll look nice.
Didn't say "nice".
You said "fetching".
Why "fetching"? Fetching,
like a dog fetches a stick,
like I'm a dog to you?
Dogs and wolves
are completely different,
so your joke doesn't even work.
I just think he meant
He knows what he said, Trish.
Whatever I did last time,
everybody seems to find it
so-o-o-o amusing.
OK, be honest -
did I embarrass myself?
Pff
WOMAN SCREAMS
HE HOWLS
Nah.
FINGERS SNAP
My mission -
sneak to the village,
return to the scene
of my father's hunt,
and bring the woman back here
before you can say "hero's welcome".
Although you will have
to say it quite slowly.
THUNDER RUMBLES
HE HISSES
Yes?
Can I help you?
Oh!
Uh
Where's the where's
the woman that lives here?
There's no woman here.
It's an Airbnb.
Ah.
Are you? Hmm?
It's a vampire. No. No!
SHOUTS: Vampire! No!
Vampire!
HE SCREAMS
Vampire! Agh!
Vampire!
Vampi-i-ire!
Vampire!
No, Susan, I have had it with him.
Coming over here,
drinking our blood,
bat droppings like
Mini black puddings.
And now whatever this is
With our Gertie out there -
well, enough!
It's time to deal with it
once and for all.
HE GRUNTS
CROWD SHOUTS ANGRILY
Come on, stick together.
BARKING
SHOUTING
HE PANTS
HE GASPS
SLURPING, LIPS SMACKING
Whoa! I-I wasn't doing anything.
Oh!
It's OK! It's OK.
I came here to do the same thing.
You do this too?
What? Why not? I'm old enough.
You know what people are like.
That lot in the village
would go nuts.
Exactly. Which is why
we need to hide.
Now!
They treat us like outcasts.
We're not that different from them.
I don't think so.
The only thing we do
The one little difference.
Is we come out at night and
practise kissing.
Drink blood. Pardon?!
Practise kissing -
is that not?
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: No!
No, it is!
Yeah, I was just
just checking.
Ah.
On a scarecrow?!
Do you mean that there was no-one
in your village
that you could practise with?!
I'm 15.
If any of my friends knew
I'd not kissed a boy yet,
I'd be about as popular as a
Vampire! Get him!
HE SQUEALS
Come here.
How do you like your stake -
bloody or?
Stop it! Gertie!
Daddy was doing a pun!
But, Dad, he's not a vampire.
Open your eyes, Gert.
He's got a bat on his tie pin.
Yeah. Because I like
airborne rodents.
It doesn't mean I turn into one.
Well, what's he doing here, then?
He reckons he comes here to
practise kissing.
Hmm? Don't you?
Here you go. Yeah.
Uh, on a pumpkin?
LIPS SMACK
Ugh
Oof.
I've named her Mary.
Oh, Mary
Hmm.
LIPS SMACK
OK. Well, good luck with it all.
Um
I had no idea people do
that sort of thing, but, uh, yeah.
What a, uh, hilarious
misunderstanding.
Gertie, follow us home now.
Everyone, stop staring. Come on.
Call it a night.
I'm Gertie, by the way.
I'm Val.
What's Val short for?
Stopped growing when I was four.
I meant the name. Oh!
Valentine, son of Victor,
Lord of the West,
third of my name.
Mmm. I see why you go with Val.
You're weird.
Says the girl kissing a pumpkin.
Gertie, home! I'm going!
Thank you, for the kissing thing,
by the way.
Thanks for saying I'm not a vampire.
HE GIGGLES
Well, you're not, are you?
Oh, what, because I'm small?
Cos I don't have the teeth?
Cos I don't fit your stereotype?
No. Because you have a reflection.
Maybe see you around sometime.
HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY
CLOAK FLAPS
It's tradition to wait
until your initiation ceremony.
Mother!
Yes. True.
I was just
practising some moves.
HE HISSES
Then why let her go?
Huh?
Oh, I, um
I was getting
a very slight hum of
of garlic from her, and I thought,
"No. No, I'll get the next one."
Go pick up a farm wench in a bit.
Is something wrong?
No. Just, um,
skimming a a few stones.
Oh. Didn't know you knew how.
I mean, well, this one should be,
what, four-bouncer?
Five, maybe? Yeah?
WHISPERS: Bad pebble.
Mmm.
Mum
Vampires
HE CHUCKLES
They, um they don't have
to tick every box, do they?
You know, we
we're meant to have big fangs,
but Uncle Olaf's teeth fell out,
and he was still a vampire.
Just a a vampire
who had to use a straw.
So, say there was a vampire
who was like all the other vampires,
but who happened to have, say, a
A reflection.
You're not a vampire, love.
Of course I am.
I'm so sorry, but you're not.
Wha?
What do you mean? I
I drink blood.
I-I flew around the room.
No, none of that was you. It was me.
With a little help
from an unseen friend.
Swapping out blood
for beetroot juice
or carrying you Waah!
To make it look
like you were flying.
The Invisible Man!
Sorry, um, I'm actually a woman.
This is a private conversation!
That doesn't mean anything.
If if your mum and dad
are vampires,
that makes you a vampire.
That makes me a vampire. And
That's how it works!
Unless
you're not my mum and dad.
What is a mum and dad, really?
If it's someone who bathes you
and dresses you
and comforts you when you're sad
and loves you
every day of your life,
then we are your mum and dad.
But
Twas a dark and stormy night.
Twas?
I was on a hunt,
flying high over the River Ouse,
when, hark, I heard a baby crying.
Looking down, I saw a house
ablaze by a river bank.
I saw the baby in the doorway
BABY CRIES
and I realised his parents
were trapped inside the inferno.
I couldn't bear to see him orphaned,
so I swaddled him in my cloak
and saved his life.
I mean, what else could I have done?
Put the fire out?
With what?
With water.
You just said
you were on a river bank.
And because there was nothing else
I could have done,
I plucked that child
from certain death,
took him home
and raised him as my own.
Perhaps I shouldn't have been
so selfless.
Perhaps I should have looked
the other way.
But when a child is in peril
You were going to eat me,
weren't you?
No!
Maybe. Yes. A little.
At first.
But, Val,
when I looked into your eyes,
I couldn't bear for any harm
to come to you.
I can't believe you and Dad,
you kept this from me all this time.
Dad doesn't know?!
He was away in Carpathia,
and he'd wanted an heir for so long!
And it wasn't easy, let me tell you.
When you're a woman over 400,
your loins start to, well
Yeah, of shrivel.
Ugh. And I just thought,
well, as long as I can
pass you off as a vampire,
we won't break your father's heart.
But how did you think
we were going to do that?
I just thought,
after a while, you'd learn
to pick up our vampire ways.
You don't pick up being a vampire.
It's not conversational French!
We're going to have to tell him.
No!
Yes! I know this has come
as a shock to you.
It's a shock to me, too.
You've known for 15 years!
We can just manage
to keep this between us.
Just our little secret.
Little?!
Nothing about this secret is little.
And let me tell you,
it won't be a secret
for much longer,
when I'm there
at the initiation ceremony,
making "mm-mm, oh, yeah, mm-mm,
this tastes lovely" noises,
while trying to pretend
to bite a human neck! It's just
It's it's not going to happen.
I've got to tell Dad the truth.
HE TAKES DEEP BREATHS
Father?
Are you busy?
Just arranging my drinks trolley
into blood type.
Right.
Lots of AB negative
just shoved to the back.
I mean, who brings that to a party?
That's, er
It's the it's the thing
with blood.
There's lots of different types.
At the end of the day,
they're all blood.
A bit like a family.
I don't see how that
Well, you, um, you have your
your popular types,
like, uh like King Valkar.
Ah, yes. Mastered the power
of Zymonzes -
the ability to command humans
to do one's bidding.
A whonderful vampire.
Quite.
Um
Then you, uh
uh, you have your
less good ones.
Your Great-Grandfather Vanya.
HE SPITS
Oh.
He was a more
"failed his initiation"
type vampire,
but he's still very much
part of the family.
HE STAMMERS
There's a fondness.
VICTOR SCOFFS
There's no fondness there.
So why have his portrait up?
That is not a portrait.
That is Vanya.
Isn't it, Vanya?
Yeah.
He was crammed in and framed,
so he's on constant display.
You can't suffer eternal shame
if no-one's staring at you!
Yeah. And, er
When a vampire brings shame
upon himself,
he's supposed to suffer.
Are you suffering, Vanya?
I can't move.
I've had an itch on my nose
for 150 years.
I wish I could help you.
You could scratch
I just whish I could help.
Now, what was it you wanted to?
Boy?
Well, that's a diddler.
Expecting to be a vampire,
then finding out you're a human
is like expecting to eat a buffet
and finding out
you're a sausage roll.
It calls for wise heads
and smart thinking
GARY: Guess how many I saw today?
Which you don't tend to get
from gargoyles.
Wow, that's a lot of clouds, Gary.
Who counts clouds
Guess how many I saw yesterday.
Out loud 912.
For 13 hours?
Guess how many I saw
the day before that.
One.
Yeah, it was overcast,
so I class that as just one big one.
Hardly very sophistica-a-a-a
Pardon me.
No-one can find out the truth.
As long as I'm careful
and don't give myself away,
I'll be able to keep everyone
in the dark.
Which is, of course,
where vampires belong.
I mean, how hard can it be?