The Trades (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
You're a fuckin' joke.
What did you say?
You're a fuckin' joke.
I've been pullin' all-nighters
to get this thing
up and running.
More like pulling
your dick.
All these hours
don't count as O.T.
so don't try
loggin' 'em.
Looks like
watery dog shit.
You throw this weld
in with a slingshot?
I think it looks
pretty fuckin' good
considering I haven't been
on the tools in years.
Yeah, it's been years since
you almost killed somebody.
That was a long time ago.
I was an apprentice.
Nobody got hurt.
You need to come up
with new material.
And you need to
build a flare stack.
Corporate's up my ass.
We're behind.
I'm embarrassed.
And you're givin' a million
dollar machine a Redneck revamp.
Are you insane?
You approved the order.
You know we need this thing.
I approved it 'cause I wanted
to see you look like a dickwad
trying to convince your crew
that that's a good idea.
Well, that is fucked up!
Look, I know I'm
hard on you, man.
You got promise.
But don't think I don't know
that you're gunning for my job.
I am not.
This machine is the future.
It'll help me and my
boys in the long run.
It'll save our bodies.
It'll catch us up in all
those insane deadlines.
Fuckin' better.
Fuckin' will.
Fuckin' better!
It fuckin' will!
Fucking better!
What's up Teabag?
Todd:
Hi, boys!
Mornin'
You know, jeans are
marketed as this like,
super comfy go
everywhere garment,
but they're fuckin' not!
Comfort first, dude.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm goin' to
work in sweats.
I'm not trying to
sabotage myself.
But they can't fire me.
Audrey:
Snax, it's not
a pattern, dude.
No. So I've
left a few jobs.
Like, so what?
Twelve?
No fucking way
it's twelve.
I don't believe you.
Raccoona matata, Snax.
You staying the
fuck outta my bins?
Hey. Oh, what the hell, Auds?
Did you shave
in my hot tub?
Bro, just chill.
Just my pits.
Have you even slept?
Have you?
I've been busy.
Yeah.
Is he cute?
The Metallsicherung 1200
is not cute,
it's a sexy, futuristic
German welding machine.
Whoa.
Low impurities,
minimal slag,
transition between auto
and welder operated.
What do your guys
think about that?
Well, they should be pumped.
This town needs to
get with the times.
Yeah, makes sense.
You break your back
at work every day
and I sling jeans
for a living.
We've turned
into our parents.
Billy:
Ding ding ding,
who's ready for
round two?
Do that thing
with my pinky.
Oh fuck.
Had no idea you
were here, ah
Todd:
Right.
This is yours.
Yep.
I don't touch your stuff.
Generally. Just, um
Oh, whole family's here, huh?
It's your shorts too.
Ah, I didn't have any so I just,
you know, I'll wash 'em.
My dick's barely
touched the mesh.
No, no. You keep
those actually.
Really? Like a gift?
Thanks. Cool, ah, yeah.
Lemme track down a beer.
Seriously? That dude?
Audrey:
What? When there's
no Mr. Right,
at least there's
Mr. Right Now.
More like Mr. Steal
Your Catalytic Converter
While You Sleep.
Here. PH levels are
all outta whack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chlorine, de-scaler and
stay out of it for 24 hours
or it'll melt my tits off.
I know the fuckin' drill.
Todd:
Unbelievable.
Shut up.
Every goddamn morning.
Billy:
Nothing beats a refry.
Fuckin' hell.
Hey man.
Wanna gimme a ride?
Did you bang in
my hot tub, again?
Ahhh, it was half in
half out mostly but, ah,
whaddaya say?
You wanna hook me up?
Just goin' as
far as my place.
So what's going on
with you and my sister?
What?
Do you like my sister?
Hobby horse have
a wooden dick?
Oh.
Ah dude. Come on.
Sorry. Brakes.
I don't know.
Geez. Started a fire.
Audrey's great, man.
She's good. She's good,
you know.
Got a lot goin'
on for her.
No kids. No husband.
Got a good job.
Are you back at work yet?
Nah. Still on disability.
Keep pullin' my back out.
Billy:
Whoa!
Hot rod, man.
End of the line.
What?
Sorry, the
brakes are fucked.
But
What the hell, man!
You know I don't
live around here!
Jimi:
Have a good day.
Got a newbie.
Huh.
What do we got here?
What the fuck is that?
How old is that?
Did you, your grandfather
give you that?
What is that?
What are you gonna hang
some pictures? Huh?
You gonna take photos? Huh?
What are you gonna
do with that?
Oh.
- Nothin'.
Tools are like condoms.
The cheap ones will break
and they will fuck you up.
All right?
Will fuck you up, right?
Now sign here.
- Yep.
Hey, talkin' to you.
Jimi!
- Hey Todd.
Hey. I don't wanna see your ass.
Don't show me your ass.
Don't show me your ass.
What's up Tuna?
Scooter!
Hey, you guys ever
seen a virgin before?
Wave to the virgin.
Fuckin' nerds.
We willingly carry around
the surveillance devices.
They know where we
go and what we say.
I mean, a fuckin'
welding machine?
Really?
Head-to-head I can
out-do that thing.
Backwoods:
My ass!
Fifty bucks says the robot
mops the floor with ya.
What do ya think Big Nate?
I will take that heat.
Beautiful!
Taser:
You know what else is weird?
I was ordering weed
online last night
and they asked me to verify
that I'm not a robot.
Are they worried that the
robots are buying the weed?
Buying weed.
Taking jobs?
It's only a matter of time 'til
we're all down on all fours
sucking protein pellets
out of a robot's dick.
Yeah, you fuckers
got me good!
Well, ya reap what
you sow, don'tcha?
Yep.
Backwoods:
I kinda like it.
I thought it was classy.
Steph:
Oh, thank you.
I also got the
rookie pretty good.
Hmm?
You suck rookie!
Shit.
Here comes the
robot overlord.
Keep it down.
He doesn't
know that we know.
Guys!? Really?
Just testin' the gear in
sub-zero temperatures.
Safety first!
Yes!
- That's good.
You boys wanna
see somethin'?
You can't tell anyone.
Not a soul.
My word is my bond.
Todd:
This thing is amazing!
It can root, fill, cap and even
picks up on a shitty fit-up!
With this thing we're
guaranteed to hit our targets.
This thing is a flying
piece of horse shit!
Taser:
Looks like it's gonna
rip my cheque in half
is what it looks like.
Guys, we use tools.
This is just a tool.
It's a piece of equipment,
Homer:
Bag-licking, moron!
This is how we all
turn into automatons!
You did not think
this through.
Karen:
I got the receipt.
They're perfectly good.
I still got time
to return 'em.
I just don't like
the way they look.
But ya did once.
So some kind of personality
change since then or?
If there's no damage
we'd be glad to
take them back.
I think she crapped them.
I did not!
Audrey, I've warned you!
I'm being serious.
Look inside, that's shit!
Steph:
Ah, ladies?
Do you mind?
My lunch is over in twenty.
Are you insinuating that I
took a shit in these jeans?
No I am straight
up accusing you.
Lady, you've got a
tummy problem, okay?
Your bowels are probably
destroyed by every fad diet
that's aimed at the
Karen demographic.
You had, what,
a couple of kids?
Pelvic flooring ain't
what it used to be,
I feel for you,
but it's not this
company's fault, okay.
Blame nature.
I just don't see how this
is any of your business.
Well, you're
holding up the line
and she's not allowed
to say anything.
She won't say anything.
So why don't you go buy
some vinegar and peroxide
and call it a day, okay?
Here's your diaper.
I'm not leaving this store
until these are refunded.
End of story.
Good luck with mud slide.
Audrey.
- What?
Don't you have anything to
say to our valued customer?
Yes.
Yeah, I certainly do. Yeah.
Ah
fuck you both.
I quit.
Yeah. Huh! I quit!
Hey, hold on!
Wait up, wait up!
Hey, who are you?
What do you do?
I'm Steph. I'm in safety.
Cool.
Um, I'm Audrey.
I'm currently unemployed.
Ah, are you at Conch?
Yeah, isn't everyone?
Yeah.
Do you know Todd?
Todd Stool?
Yeah, of course.
That's my bro.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
I love Tater-Todd.
Yeah. Oh, me too.
Homer:
That's how it ends
for all of us.
I mean, first they
bring the robots in
to prove we're inefficient,
that's fuckin' obvious.
I mean, billion dollar
company like this
and you don't think they
have motion detection
and facial recognition
cameras out there?
Pshtt.
Next, it's the microchips
and when we refuse,
they bring in
even more robots.
And then beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep.
All of a sudden it's an
all-robot plant, baby.
None of this shit
leaves this truck
or else I'll know it's you.
Hey, FYI Homer,
your radio's hot.
Did you hear all of that?
Who else is there?
Don't worry, bro.
It's Taser.
I'll keep a lid on it.
Thanks, buddy.
Robots are never good.
Search engines,
typing emails,
now it's welding.
I tried to hand write
my name the other day,
it looked like a
fuckin' tree wrote it.
They're gonna take away
our means to live.
All our toys. Gone.
I'll have to sell
my water bed.
He'll-he'll have to
sell his two ATVs.
And this fuckin' dude'll
have to downsize his truck.
I ain't selling my truck.
So answer to this
robot bullshit.
Okay. Yes, it's true.
The company bought
a welding robot.
With a purpose!
Not just to catch
us up on speed,
but it'll help us avoid
injuries, accidents, all of it!
You didn't mean
to fuck us,
but it's gonna hurt.
Catch all that, Homer?
Homer :
According to a corporate
email thread started by Bennett,
Todd is responsible,
knew I couldn't trust him.
Okay, every,
everybody calm down!
What the fuck?!
That's nice!
Todd:
Wow, that was fast.
Employee :
Hey, boss man.
Look, I hate to do
this to you Bennett,
but my mom's cat's been
vomiting for two weeks now.
Both ends.
I just can't leave
the thing alone, man.
It just wants to be held.
Anyway, you can imagine how
much a diabetic cat weighs,
you know?
You know, plus I got that
hernia and stuff, you know.
Real sorry about this.
I'll be talking to
you tomorrow maybe.
Does this look like
someone with a diabetic cat?
I think you mean, does it
look like someone with a hernia?
Total lack of
goddamn commitment.
That's why your robots
are gonna replace us.
The robot is here to help.
Like, why can't you
people understand this?
What do you mean
"you people"?
You bus-chucked me
with that email you sent.
I never told you to
order that machine.
You approved the
fuckin' payment!
That's your problem, Todd,
you think my job is easy.
It's not all sippin'
coffee and checkin' emails.
Todd:
Clearly.
I mean, you're not even
trying to hide it anymore.
That's for my keyboards.
Unlike you, I like to
keep my workplace tidy.
And what are these?
These are vitamins, I guess?
Bennett:
Yeah, they are vitamins.
This one's for sleepy time.
This one's for makin' love.
This one
is for when I'm sad.
You need to
fuckin' chill, man.
Your brain, your dick,
your eyeballs,
they're all gonna explode.
Ah fuck.
A little coke will help.
Why would you think
this is cocaine?
I don't know, white powder
in a little baggie?
It's too early in the
morning for cocaine.
You fuckin' idiot
Into some, ah, arts
and crafts now are ya?
You know, I finally figured out
what's wrong with you, Toddler.
Todd:
What's that?
You don't know if you
want to be like me,
or if you want
to be like them.
Todd:
Fuck you, Bennett.
I'll take the blame
for the robot.
I don't give a shit.
Wrong. You give
too many shits.
As long as I'm
here at this desk,
you'll be down there with
the grunts eatin' shit.
Is that right?
You know how hard I have to
work to get you to do my job?
Don't you think
you've had enough?
You ain't nothing
Look at ya,
you're a goddamn mess.
You ain't nothing but a
Todd:
You okay?
Fuck. Come on, get up.
Stop messing around.
Jesus Christ.
Bennett? Hello?
What are you doing?
Get up.
Oh shit!
Are you okay?
Bennett, talk to me.
Oh fuck.
Bennett. Bennett.
Fuck!
Come on. Come on.
Where's the fucking phone?
I got a fuckin' emergency!
Surprised it
took this long.
That dude had
some demons.
Do I need to
talk to the cops?
No cops.
We don't like cops.
Wait, so does this mean
I'm Site Manager now?
Well, you've always been the
"unofficial" Site Manager.
You know, Bennett's out.
You're in.
Light the fire
in your gut.
Let your balls drop.
Is everyone still pissed
at me about the robot?
Medhi:
Probably.
Good luck with that.
Yeah, if you
wanna stay local,
you basically have
three choices.
You could do
more retail
Mmm.
The trades or
sell your body.
The original trade.
Yeah, it's respectable.
Audrey:
Okay, so what should I be?
Should I be
an electrician,
a pipe fitter
or a painter?
Well, I'd say lose the
tinsel and try the carpenters.
They're taking in
anyone off the street.
That's what my daddy
did actually. Yeah.
And he always said "stay away
from hammers and heartbreakers,"
so I never thought
I stood a chance.
Yeah, well, your daddy
had a point once,
but the workforce
is 3.9% chicks now.
You wanna push
us over four?
I don't know.
Can I do safety?
Oh fuck no, no.
No. Fuck that.
You don't wanna do my job.
I basically babysit
all the trades
and make sure they
don't kill themselves.
Yeah, but your-your lunch
break was over an hour ago.
Mm-hmm.
And someone will
clock me out.
Wow.
Steph:
Right?
You got a sweet gig, Steph.
Yeah, I mean,
pay is decent too.
I mean, it ain't
"fuck you" money but
it'll cover the round.
Actually sounds like
a fuckin' good time.
Cheers to that.
Ooh.
Today is a good day.
You taking my
Women's Under 30's?
Maybe.
Dude, read the bottle.
You might have to
go bra shopping.
Which one screams management?
I dunno, the blue one.
Guy, your life is sweet, okay.
You got your shit together.
You have four
identical blue shirts.
You have two families.
Me and Dad and your guys.
I feel like the more
I try to please everyone,
I end up pleasing no one.
Well, the robot
isn't the problem.
It's the change
that comes with it.
What does Dad always say?
Don't be a pussy?
No, the other one.
If it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
Hey Audrey!
- Fuck.
Auds! Hey, whaddaya say, girly?
A little poke and a smoke?
I have plans.
You're not in 'em.
Okay, that's-that's cool.
Thanks.
Todd:
When you went down,
I totally froze.
Then I started thinking
about all the times
you fucked with me.
And a part of me wanted
you to kick the bucket.
Tryin' to finish the job?
What are you doing here?
That didn't sound
like much of a denial.
Bennett's still a slimy
piece of filthy shit
but we still
got him covered.
Todd:
That's what that was.
I saw you all talking
in the yard earlier
and I just, I thought,
I don't know.
You thought it
was about you?
Holy fuck, man.
Oh come on. Pay up.
Cheap!
Still fuckin' cheap!
Todd:
Here.
Fuck.
Thing is, there's no next
of kin that we know of.
Could just pocket it all.
Todd:
Gimme that.
Fer fuck sakes.
Damn you and your
fine morals.
I fucked up, didn't I?
Bringin' in the
Metalschlong,
chasing the promotion.
Backwoods:
Dude, corporate don't give
a shit about me, you or him.
Not understanding that is the
biggest mistake you're making.
That's it.
You're totally
fuckin' right.
Thanks, brother.
I love you, brother.
You'll be fine.
You know what?
Here's what you should do.
Put your dick in his hand,
take a picture.
When he wakes up,
you got somethin' on him.
You're welcome.
Huh.
A Metallsicherung 1200.
Todd:
You got it, Medhi!
Yeah.
This machine is not
here to replace us.
This machine is a tool,
no different than
an angle grinder,
a broom.
You're a tool, Stool!
Okay, enough talk.
Todd:
Oh, this can't be good.
Oh my God!
What's goin' on?
That was not
supposed to happen!
Homer:
Backwoods, you owe
me fifty bucks!
Yep. And that, folks,
is what German precision
engineering looks like.
Homer:
Now let's get a brewsks.
I can't believe I stayed
late for this shit.
I don't know what happened.
So weird.
Well that's that.
You think they bought it?
One hell of an
acting performance.
Yes!
Huh?
Good to have you back, brother.
Happy Friday, my friend!
Let's get drinkin'.
I'm not sure Snax
understands work politics.
I don't know, man.
But it's not like
they build shit.
I mean, they move into
attics, under decks.
They're scavengers.
I joined the
Carpenters today.
Fuck off!
Yep. I'm done resisting.
I'm sick of working
eight hours a day
and earning minimum wage
dealing with other
people's shit.
Literally.
This way I can start
paying you some rent.
Hell, maybe I can even
get my own place.
Like what happens if you have
a kid or get a girlfriend?
Why did you say
it in that order?
I'm not gonna be
a burden anymore.
How'd it go with
your robot today?
Oh that. Ha.
What did you do?
Ah, nothin'.
I actually might have
pissed away my future.
Chelsea :
I'm just pulling in now.
I'll contact you
once I know more.