The Troop (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Radio Host It'll be
no surprise to any of our
listeners that the Explosive
Playmaker of the Week is
Cody Stenhammer.
[ground rumbles and shakes]
Here's a young man, six foot
three, 245 pounds who can
run down the fastest receiver
and still take hits
from the biggest linemen.
This guy's an opposing
coach's nightmare.
He's fast, he's strong,
he's unstoppable.
The only thing between
Cody Stenhammer
and the Hall of Fame
is Cody Stenhammer.
[ground rumbles]
He's going to have a lot
of things coming at him now.
People know he's
[whomp!]
[workman] HUH!
[whoosh]
[loud frantic panting]
Oop!
Oof!
[loud rumbles]
UH!
ARGGHGHHH
[man screams]
[SLURP]
Mr. Stockley Don, that's all
very helpful information, Don.
In fact, Don, I think we're
dialoging really well here, Don.
Jake So why is Mr. Stockley
talking like that?
He went to a Super
Persuasion Techniques
seminar last weekend.
Felix He was telling us
about it.
It's like, say the guy's name
a lot or talk about how good
your conversation's going.
Sounds kind of dumb.
Does it work?
I wasn't really listening.
So what kind of monster
are we looking for, Felix?
We'll have to check the data
before we can say for certain
but it's definitely
a Class One Burrower.
But I'll call Animal Control,
Don and we'll get it
all taken care of.
You mind if I borrow
your pen, Don?
[click, click]
Hey, guys.
It's time for the snark.
The who?
The snark.
Don't you think it's weird that
we're surrounded by monsters
but no one ever remembers
seeing one?
I wanted to ask about that.
It's a snark!
Its song erases memories.
Put in your earplugs.
Okay, girl,
go ahead and sing.
[ethereal]
[laughter]
Well, Don, sorry your friend
went to Mexico and left you
with all this work.
Thanks for the tour, Don.
Highly educational.
Right, guys?
Felix I learned so much.
Hayley Oh, thank you.
It was a blast.
Any time.
[school bell rings]
[Felix grunts]
Yeahno.
Still not seeing it, man.
Because it grows in blonde
like a surfer.
Trust me, it's there.
Jake Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
What's up?
Felix ID'd our monster.
Mongolian Death Worm,
exactly what I suspected.
Dang.
Precisely.
Big and deadly.
Hey, it's blind but very
sensitive to vibrations.
It was probably attracted
to the jackhammer.
So maybe we can
set a trap for it.
Dude, I had the same thought.
We're like,
completely in sync.
Hey, whatever we do,
it's got to be fast.
Senior Shakedown.
The Death Worm likes to dance?
No.
It's tonight and the thumping
from the speakers will be
like a Death Worm magnet.
Luring it to a buffet table
full of delicious seniors.
So, I guess we'll have to
sneak in since we're freshmen.
Oh no, we're already going.
Brad Johnson asked me
last week.
It's our first date so I really
want it to be special.
My dress is totally stunning
and it's
What about you?
I thought all seniors hate you.
I know, and I've tried
everything, riddles,
magic tricks
I make funny lyrics
to popular songs
and they still hate me.
What don't they
like about this?
Huh? Rubber pencil.
Give me that.
Felix No.
Then what are you
doing there?
Felix I'm setting up
the audio equipment
with the A.V. Club.
It's pretty sweet since we get
all the discarded refreshments.
Hayley If we don't destroy
this Death Worm first,
he'll have to go, too,
which means
you need a date.
Yeah, right.
Who's going to ask me
to the Senior Shakedown.
Student Hey, everybody,
here she comes!
[voices shout]
Brittany Ledbetter's free.
We're getting this worm
before the dance.
So this is your
great invention?
Felix Sometimes greatness
comes from seeing the ordinary
in a fresh way.
Hayley Yeah, then
attaching explosives.
Jake You're sure
your Mom won't mind us
blowing up her washing machine?
She says she wants me
to play outside more.
She can't have it both ways.
What!
Okay, Jake, look.
When Felix and I get back
to the Battle Cruisers,
turn the machine on
and then run back.
When the worm goes
for the vibrations,
Felix will blow it up by remote.
Wait!
How come I have to turn it on?
Hayley You're still
the new guy!
[clickety click]
[washing machine sloshes]
Jake Whoo.
It's not very loud, is it?
You didn't set it on
spin cycle.
Have you never washed
your own clothes?
[clickety click]
Like that?
[ground rumbles]
Jake, come back!
Come back!
[loud washing machine racket]
What?
Oof!
Freeze, Jake!
No vibrations.
[whomp]
[ground rumbles]
Plug it in!
[ground rumbles]
Felix It's heading
toward the washing machine!
Come on, come on, come on.
[WHOMP!]
NOW, FELIX!
[boom]
[splat]
[splat]
[splat]
Felix Ah ha, yes!
What did I tell you?
Easy as pie.
You're sure it's dead?
Hayley Hey, you know,
in science class, we cut up
these earthworms but
pieces stayed alive.
That's adorable, Hayley.
[worm gurgles]
But we're dealing with
a Mongolian Death Worm
not a Nightcrawler.
Felix, I think you better
Shush.
It's okay, Jake.
Just thank me for getting
you out of the senior dance.
[loud growls]
Umyou can thank me later.
Ha.
Principal Nuss [on phone]
Why on earth would I want
to postpone the Fall Fling?
Mr. Stockley Well, Barry
Nuss Principal Nuss.
But, Principal Nussright.
Well, Principal Nuss, I'm sure
if you close your eyes
and vision with me you'll
see that next week
Nuss This conversation
is over.
Mr. Stockley This has
been a very dynamic
interchange, Barry.
[dial tone]
Principal Nuss?
[dial tone]
One of the things that they
said to us in class is that
persuasion isn't about results.
It's about getting to results.
Jake Wouldn't it be a lot
simpler if we just said,
"Hey, if you don't postpone
this dance, monsters
are probably going to eat
the entire graduating class."
People can't handle
monsters that's why we say,
we're in a Mime Club not
a Monster Hunting Troop.
Yeah, and it's why
we have to use a Snark.
Guys, we need to focus.
There are three Mongolian Death
Worms loose and if we don't
destroy them tonight this
whole town's in big trouble.
What about electricity?
My thought exactly.
That's why we're best friends.
What?
Hm! We'll fry them
but we all need to be at
the dance to make this work.
Hayley Yeah, which
means Jake needs a date.
I can get a date,
no problem.
This is a senior dance.
A senior needs to ask you.
You know, I might be able
to find somebody for you.
She won't be the smartest girl
or nice or even pleasant
but she'll get you in the door.
As great as that sounds,
maybe I can just sneak in
with the A.V. Club.
I might be able
to hook you up.
Get it, hook you up?
We make jokes like
that all the time.
And, parody songs.
I can't.
Look, I know it's
a high price to pay
but you'll be saving lives.
Fine.
Welcome to the A.V. Club.
Yay.
Felix So guys, I know
there's been a lot of confusion
about who my best friend is.
I just thought -
full disclosure -
you should probably know
it's Jake.
[group] Huh?
Etienne No, Felix,
I thought it was I.
Guys, it's okay,
Felix belongs to everyone.
Jake
It's best they know.
I like you all very much but
Jake and I have a special bond.
We're in Mime Club.
You don't even
look like a mime.
He's very good.
Show us something then.
Man in a box.
Seen it.
Fail.
Lamest mime I've ever seen.
Felix Come on, guys.
This isn't why
I brought him here.
Jake is very
passionate about audio.
I am.
And video.
Um-hum.
I just thought it'd be nice
for him to help us work
the senior dance tonight, huh?
[everyone grumbles]
Ha haha.
Can I have a word
with you for a second?
What?
[Etienne clears his throat]
Are you mad?
It's the Senior Shakedown.
If this noob messes up, the
seniors are going to kill us.
He's not going to mess up.
He's there to observe our work
and get us supplies and stuff.
Cheese puffs?
I can get you cheese puffs.
No problem.
Ha. Trick question.
I'm allergic to cheese.
Come on, Etienne.
Fine.
Jake can be the assistant.
Jake Great.
Thanks.
As long as he answers
this simple question.
How do ground an 18g9 cable?
.
No TV for a week.
[everyone groans]
No?
Nice best friend, Felix.
Brittany You two, out!
Now!
Jake Brittany, hi.
There's something I really
wanted to ask you earlier.
But I know it's probably
useless, and honestly,
I won't be upset if you say no.
So whatever your first
gut impulse is
Hey, Jake wants to know
if you'll take him
to the senior dance.
You know, like I said,
if you have any doubts,
I completely understand.
I accept.
Yes!
Okay, bye, guys.
See you later.
UmHayley.
Brittany I'm not sure
what you're up to, but I have
a feeling you're just using
me to get to this dance.
What?
II would never.
But I'm using you to get to
the dance, too, so it works out
for both of us.
Okay, good.
So I guess I'll see you tonight.
Hang onpartner.
This is my senior dance.
I want flowers.
Nice ones.
Totally appropriate.
And you need
to comb your hair.
Yes, I was going to.
And I want you to dress up.
Make sure you're wearing this.
Really? Wow.
Is there anything else?
Yes.
I don't want people to think
I'm taking you because
I'm desperate so you'd better
look like you're really
into me tonight.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay
sir?
[sigh]
You'd better have a cuter
nickname for me than that
by tonight.
Whoo
So?
So I assumed the Mongolian
Death Worm was going to
be the scariest thing at this
dance but I guess not.
Hayley All right,
are you guys ready?
This is a dangerous mission.
Especially if I have
to slow dance with Brittany.
Dude, I meant the worms.
Just be careful in there.
Nobody get hurt tonight.
Oh, and no dirty dancing.
I will suspend you.
I still need to finish
wiring the speakers.
Plus, I need to attach the
Tesla Amplifier with the mixing
board so we can get enough
juice to cook those worms.
I just wish we could stall
this dance for an hour.
What if Hayley convinces
the DJ not to play anything
too vibration heavy
until you're ready.
But what about my date?
Brad needs attention, too.
Let's try and keep Brad
from becoming worm food.
Felix Right.
When the worms get here, I'll
handle the fireworks, you guys
are in charge of crowd control.
Scott Hey, hey.
Felix Hey, Scott.
Tango 1-2-3,
come in, Nerd Base.
I have located a female.
Request backup, over.
That's, that's pretty good
but that's not really a toy.
Nerd Base, come in.
This is Felix.
I'm being harassed by a rad
dude named Scott who I think
is really awesome!
Give it!
Here you go.
Felix Thank you.
Freshmen are WEESERS!
Phlep.
I hate seniors so much.
Brittany Hi.
Oh, my gosh, Brittany,
you look beautiful.
Isn't that what
you're supposed to say?
I was about to.
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Let's light this candle.
Hayley Yeah.
[slow music]
So
the big dance.
Good punch.
You will find, Herr Mueller,
that it's a punch with a kick.
Did you just say,
"It's a punch with a kick?"
From, Fists of Fire Annual #15?
That's my favourite
comic book, ever.
Mine, too.
Jake, I find there's two kinds
of people in this world.
Those who love Fists of Fire
and those who are
wasting their lives.
Brad Hey, freshman!
You see where Hayley went?
Sorry, Brad,
I haven't seen her.
Ah, useless.
Your disrespect grows
tiresome, Fire Face.
Prepare for annihilation!
[laughter]
Shouldn't we be dancing?
What issue is that from?
No.
Shouldn't we be dancing?
Oh.
Yeah.
Come on, Etienne.
Just play a couple more
smooth jazz songs.
Excuse me?
I have been entrusted with
a playlist specifically designed
to create peaks and valleys
in the dance emotion.
I can't just tamper
with it and ruin
Etienne.
That's a French name, isn't it?
Indeed it is.
J'adore le francais.
M-maybeone more slow one.
Merci, Etienne.
J'adore aussi le smooth jazz.
[giggles]
Oh.
That, did not just happen.
Eek.
Scott
Dude, I am so sorry.
I'm just representing
the A.V. Club, trying to please
the seniors with a truly
excellent dance experience.
As a representative
of the Senior Class,
this does not please me.
Maybe some more
nerd command jokes?
Sorry, bud.
[feet shuffle]
Okay, here we go.
All right, you're going down.
Felix A.V. Club,
Code 25!
A.V. Club,
Code 25!
Scott, you don't know
what you're doing.
Scott Wow, that is snug.
Felix Are you an Eagle Scout?
UhScott.
Scott, Scott, don't go.
Don't, don't go!
Scott! [click]
You need me!
[door slams]
I hate seniors.
[slow music]
[everybody complaining]
Etienne Are you sure
you like this stuff?
My parents don't
even listen to this.
What's going on?
Hey, hey, hey, Brad.
Why have you
been ignoring me?
She made me
plays this, okay?
I've never seen her before.
Please don't kill me.
You know what?
This music is terrible.
Put on something better.
I knew it was a mistake
asking a freshman to DJ.
She made me play it.
Oh, Brad
Brad.
[sigh]
Why are boys such babies?
[slow music]
Jake So, because the
universe is folded like that,
the Centurion can travel
across space AND time.
Brit Oh, that makes sense.
Hey, would you ever consider
helping me write a comic book?
I've got a lot of ideas,
but I'm a terrible artist.
I've never collaborated
with anyone before
but I've never met anyone
who wanted to.
Yeah, why not?
Great.
Hey, what would you think of
a story about a group of high
school kids who hunt monsters
in their spare time?
Sounds kind of far-fetched
but I guess anything goes
in a comic book.
Brittany Yeah.
[fast music]
[crowd cheers]
Good!
That slow dancing was
making my hands sweaty.
Me, too.
[ground rumbles]
Did you hear something?
Umwould you
excuse me a minute?
You heard it, too?
Of course! Where's Felix?
I saw him working on the
speakers and then he was gone.
Felix Hello? Anyone there?
Please help.
I'm in here.
I'm tied up.
Someone call Security.
Please!
Stupid seniors.
[sigh]
[pulsing music]
[crack, crack]
[panicked shouting]
Hayley We've got
to calm them down!
Jake Got it!
[zap!]
[students scream]
Everybody stay calm!
Get next to the wall
and stand perfectly still.
This is just like
my comic book.
For real!
[background shouting]
There's no such thing
as Mime Club, is there?
Nope, not that I haven't
tried to get a real one going.
Whatever you're doing,
do it fast!
Etienne OH!
Felix Seniors!
We have some very dangerous
creatures beneath us.
They are immobilized by this
frequency but it's only
temporary.
Do as I say and
you'll all be safe.
No matter what happens,
stay away from the speakers.
Etienne Oh!
Now in a moment, I will
change the music and my
colleagues and I will
obliterate the worms.
I need you to put your
hands up in the air.
[puzzled voices murmur]
And wave them like
you just don't care.
[voices murmur]
Now say, "Freshmen rule".
All Freshmen rule.
Felix rocks.
All Felix rocks.
Just the ladies!
Ladies Felix rocks.
Felix!
Sorry.
Now, brace for impact.
[mingled voices]
[crash!]
[students shout]
[crash!]
[monsters roar, students scream]
Etienne Do something, Felix!
[monsters roar]
[sssssttttt.!]
[boom]
Students Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
Fe-lix! Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
Fe-lix! Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
[students cheers]
Wait, wait!
Do we have to snark them?
Well, I don't
want to do it either.
Principal Nuss just admitted he
should have postponed the dance
and that my suits
are better than his
but, rules are rules.
[crowd claps, cheers]
Students Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
Fe-lix! Fe-lix!
[electronic beeps]
[ethereal]
It was a simple
plumbing leak.
Sorry it ruined the dance
but you all need to go home.
[students groan]
Ew.
Great, now I go back
to being plain old Felix.
Nobody will remember
what happened here today.
I will.
I had a great time, too,
Brad.
And yes, I will go
out with you again.
That would begreat.
[school bell rings]
Brittany.
Yeah, what do you want?
I just wanted
to give you this.
The new Fists of Fire.
My comic book guy gives them
to me a couple of days early.
Thanks.
See you around.