This Is a Gardening Show (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

-[mellow music playing]
-[bee buzzing]
[dog barking in distance]
[birds chirping]
[music fades out]
[sighs]
Hi.
Which camera?
Hi again.
My name is Zach Galifianakis. Um…
This Is a Gardening Show.
I've been gardening on and off
for 25 years.
I mean, honestly, selfishly,
it's why I wanted to do the show.
So I personally could learn.
And why not pass on the savings
to you guys? [chuckles]
Should I not smile like that
after I make a really cool thing?
Is that working?
[Zach and crew laughing]
What does gardening provide?
Well, it provides food.
[rooster crows in distance]
It provides community.
Food, from what I hear,
you have to have it.
I honestly think, for human beings
and for the world itself,
the only future is agrarian.
[rooster crows]
Marcus!
[rooster crows]
So come with us
on this small little journey
as we harvest,
as we dig, as we pick, as we learn.
That was not bad. I mean, that wasn't bad.
I mean, off the top of my head…
Call out the instigators ♪
Because there's something in the air ♪
We've got to get together
Sooner or later ♪
Because the revolution's here ♪
And you know it's right ♪
We have got to get it together now ♪
[song ends]
[mellow music playing]
Apples. What do we know about apples?
Well, they taste delicious.
There's a lot of varieties.
There's a lot of folklore around app--
-Not yet.
-[reel whirring]
There's a lot of folklore around apples,
from Adam and Eve, Sir Isaac Newton,
Applebee's.
But much like… But much like gravity…
Can you just do it again? But just make…
Fast. It needs to be succinct.
Right in the hand.
So much folklore, from Adam and Eve,
to Sir Isaac Newton, to Applebee's.
But much like gravity itself,
sometimes we take apples… That was good.
Sometimes we take apples for granted.
Let's talk apples.
-[reel whirring]
-I was gonna bite it, and then you…
[mellow music playing]
-[Zach] Hey, what's your name?
-Grayson.
I'm Zach.
-Hey, Zach.
-You can just call me Zach.
I have a friend called Zach.
Is he pretty cool?
Uh-uh.
-What's your name?
-Hannah.
-I like those shoes.
-They're light-up shoes too.
They light up?
-When you press that.
-[gasps]
You know, if you push a button here
on my shoe, it calls a nurse.
-How old are you?
-Seven.
I'm 52. I'm old and decrepit,
and I have a grotesque body.
You do?
-[Zach] Do you like apples?
-Yeah.
-Do you like apple sauce?
-Mm-hmm.
-Do you like apple juice?
-Yeah.
-You like apple pies?
-Yeah.
Yes.
I'm gonna read a list of names,
and you tell me if these are real apples
or fake apples, okay?
-Okay.
-McIntosh.
-No.
-Lady Smith.
Mmm. Fake.
Sausage fingers.
[laughing] Fake!
I hope so.
-Red delicious.
-Yes.
Diarrhea Town.
Maybe.
[laughing] May-- Maybe?
You think that Diarrhea Town
might be the name of an apple?
-No.
-[mellow music playing]
Does your future worry you at all,
or are you okay with it?
-I'm okay with it.
-Yeah.
[crunching]
[giggling]
-[muffled] So, what's your favorite color?
-[laughs] Orange.
[laughing]
I didn't think you understood me.
You understood what I said?
"What's your favorite color?"
-Mm-hmm.
-Do you want applesauce?
[groans hesitantly]
[vocalizing]
-Do you know who Ryan Reynolds is?
-Mm-mm.
Nobody does.
-Have you ever bobbed for apples?
-Mm-mm.
You know what's a bad idea?
Bobbing for turds.
Okay.
Do you know any good jokes?
-Why did the apple cross the street?
-Why?
'Cause it wanted to go poo-poo.
"Why did the apple cross the street?"
"Because it wanted to go poo-poo."
Mm-hmm.
Do you work with Joe Rogan?
-Do you have brothers and sisters?
-Three brothers and one sister.
Okay. Do any of them eat apples?
They all love apples.
-Your grandparents? Do you know if they--
-Yes.
-Aunts and uncles? Cousins?
-Yes. Yes.
Oh my gosh. The apple doesn't fall
far from the tree, does it?
-Just say, "That was good."
-That was good.
Thank you. Do you know anybody
that doesn't like apples?
That kid over there named Eli
with the pink shirt.
[foreboding music playing]
-He doesn't like apples?
-Yeah, he hates apples.
-Well, we gotta talk to him.
-Yeah.
[voices chanting] He hates apples!
[distorted] What?
[distorted] He hates apples.
[voices chanting] He hates apples!
He hates apples! He hates apples!
[music ends abruptly]
Hi. Zach. Nice to meet you.
You don't like apples. Tell us why.
Um, it's because
last time that I ate an apple,
um, it made one of my tooth wiggly.
But… but do you like the taste
of an apple?
I like the taste, but I just don't like
getting my tooth wiggly.
Do you know
when you might eat an apple again?
I have one in my lunch.
-Are you gonna eat it today?
-No.
-Then why did you bring it?
-I didn't.
-Who packed it?
-My dad.
Your dad doesn't know
you're apple intolerant?
-I pack my own lunch.
-You do?
-Yeah.
-At your age?
-Yeah.
-My monkey children…
-You know what I gave 'em this morning?
-What?
They get to split a raisin.
[giggles]
-You guys ever bob for apples?
-Yes.
-No.
-You know what's a really bad thing?
-What?
-Bobbing for poops.
Not that funny.
Somewhat funny.
How is it funny, though?
Well, the idea is,
why would anybody bob for poops?
But how's it funny, though?
-I think a lot of humor comes from--
-How's it funny, though?
It's funny.
It's what gets people laughing.
-How is it funny, though?
-…funny, though? Jinx.
-[repeating] How's it funny, though?
-[Zach] You guys were great.
[adventurous music playing]
[music crescendoes, ends]
[growls]
[mellow music playing]
Now I'm gonna go talk to…
Now I'm gonna talk with Danielle.
Now I'm gonna go talk with Danielle
from Fruit Forest Farm.
Now I'll go…
[man] "Now I'm gonna go talk apples
with Danielle from Fruit Forest Farm."
Now I'm gonna go talk to Daniel.
That's not her name.
[mellow music playing]
[quacking]
-Welcome to Fruit Forest Farm.
-Thanks for having me.
-I'm Zach.
-Hi, Zach. I'm Danielle.
[Zach] So, how long have you been here?
[Danielle] Just eight and a half years.
I wanted to focus on things
that taste good and that grow well.
But you see, we've got lots of varieties.
We've got 34 varieties.
-[quacking]
-Hey, guys, can you…
-Danielle's trying to…
-[chuckles] They're our workers.
They mow the orchard for me,
and they poop,
so they give nutrition back into the soil.
These are our Liberties.
They grow up really fast.
They produce apples really fast.
And they don't get very tall.
And I'm afraid of heights,
so I don't wanna be
on a ladder all the time.
-You're afraid of heights, just a ladder?
-Yeah, terrible.
Can you go on a bunk bed?
-Yes, I can go on a bunk bed.
-Okay.
Did you get these
from old seeds or old trees?
So in each of these apples,
they'll have maybe, say, 20 seeds.
Each of them will be
a completely different variety.
Most of them will be…
Look more like a crab apple,
be kind of woody.
They won't taste very sweet,
and nobody will want to eat them.
In order to make another Liberty,
you have to get a branch from that tree
to graft onto a rootstock of another tree.
And every single Liberty came
from that original seed
that created that variety.
For instance,
if we wanted to make another Liberty,
we could take this branch, cut it off,
and put it on the root of another tree.
And then eventually,
that will take over and be the tree.
So all the Liberties are clones
from that original seed.
The only way to get
a good-tasting apple is grafting.
-That's right.
-No one knows that, do they?
-Not many people know it.
-To be honest, I didn't know that.
And I'm embarrassed of myself
for not knowing.
No, I would say 99% of people don't know.
-But I don't wanna be like those jerks.
-Fair enough.
Okay, so--
Almost fainted. Um…
I had a really good question.
[mellow music playing]
Danielle, let's graft.
Okay, so there's two ways
of making a new tree.
In dormant time, like around March
here on the coast, you graft.
You take the rootstock,
and you put a healthy branch on top,
and you make a new tree.
But in the summertime,
you do something called budding.
So this is a dormant bud.
I just slice it off,
and you want lots of
what's green under here,
which is called phloem.
Phloem is like the blood of the tree,
and that's just underneath the bark,
and that's that nice green color.
The blood of the tree.
Yeah, that's where all the sugars
can transport back and forth.
Xylem is the skeleton of the tree.
It's the wood.
[mellow music playing]
You probably remember that
from biology in grade nine.
Uh, I probably do, yeah.
-[Danielle] So let's make a new tree.
-[Zach] Okay.
So take your bud and kind of give
a little bit of a tracing.
-Yeah.
-Now I can peel just the bark right off.
I want it to basically match this shape.
So trace it like that.
I'm moving my hands,
not that I don't trust you.
[Zach] No, it was a good move.
I can't guarantee
that I won't slice your finger off.
[groans] That's pretty good.
-You don't cover the bud.
-[Danielle] There you go.
-[Zach] So that's it?
-That's it.
Once this bonds with the tree,
it will suck sugars and water
from the tree itself.
And this little bud will grow a new tree.
And you'll cut it from how far up?
So it has to be above
where this tree was grafted.
Like, if you were an apple tree,
I could cut your head off,
cut my head off, put my head on you,
and I would basically
just be using your body.
But it would be me.
Oh man! If you had my body,
your life would be so easy.
[laughing]
I should tell you about
the lower back tattoos I have that are…
They haven't kept up
with the times, let's say.
[both laugh]
Okay, this is fascinating to me.
If I had read about grafting,
I would have been intimidated.
But the fact that you just showed it…
The fact that I can do it? Honestly?
[laughing] I am
the most uncoordinated person.
Well, that's what I feel like.
I can't do anything. But this…
When it worked, I was like, "Holy crap."
-[mellow music playing]
-[bees buzzing]
[Zach] Yeah, watch out.
-You guys see those, right?
-[man] Yeah, we see 'em.
[Zach] You see them?
I got stung by one the other day.
And I play cello. I couldn't play.
-You play the cello too?
-[Danielle] Yeah.
Do you ever come and play to the apples?
-No. No.
-'Cause that's good for growth, I hear.
-[Danielle] I don't play--
-I love the cello.
[mellow music playing]
[Danielle]
So when you wanna pick an apple,
and you wanna see
whether or not it's ready,
you go against the grain,
and you push up and pull.
See? This one is not coming off.
It's still really held on to the tree.
-So if you grab the apple and just go…
-[Zach] Oh, wow.
-Do you wanna try one?
-Should I?
Yeah. Look at that. Like magic.
[crunching]
Boy, is it sweet.
-This is called the…
-Sabina.
[crunching]
Oh, that's good.
We're going into a Golden Gala now.
[crunching]
Yeah, these come right off. Look at this.
[crunching]
-I'm gonna have another one.
-Yeah, have another.
How much are these?
[laughs]
Boy, these are really good apples,
all of 'em.
-Cheers.
-Chin-chin.
God, I could die right now
and be very happy.
Danielle, thanks so much for all this.
This is really…
-You're welcome.
-Sincerely, thank you. I learned a lot.
I'm glad
you got to taste some real apples.
-Thank you, Danielle.
-You're welcome.
I'm gonna just head out this way.
-Do you have a toilet?
-[Danielle] I do.
[Zach] "Do you have a toilet?"
Couldn't just shake hands and say thanks.
[mellow music playing]
[Zach] Despite having the knowledge
for grafting,
early American settlers found
it was better
to plant apples for drinking,
not for eating.
Hard apple cider provided
a safe drinking source,
compared to the rivers and streams
that could be full of dangerous bacteria.
[laughter]
[Zach] It's reported the settlers drank
an average of two glasses
of hard cider per day.
Honest question here,
why didn't they just drink Squirt
or Mountain Dew?
And by the way, dew off a mountain also.
-[children chattering]
-[Zach] Okay. Loser's gotta bob for turds.
Ready?
-Go.
-[upbeat song playing]
I have a cousin that drowned this way.
[boy] I've got this.
-[spits]
-[song ends abruptly]
Whoo!
[water running]
I don't want to do that.
[Zach] Well, the toilet is clean.
[cello music playing]
[birds chirping]
Happy grafting.
And remember, the future is agrarian.