Too Much (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
-["London Bridge" playing]
-Oh shit! ♪
-Oh shit! ♪
-Are you ready for this? ♪
-Oh shit! ♪
-Oh… ♪
[woman] Dear Wendy Jones,
the thing about my new home,
London, in the country of England,
in the Kingdom of the United,
is that it has space
for many kinds of women.
Oh shit! ♪
[woman] You could be a woman with a secret
you keep as locked away as your heart.
Shh.
-[tense music playing]
-[indistinct radio chatter]
[woman] You could be a
strong-willed police sergeant
who uses her trauma to
solve grisly crimes.
[in British accent]
Come on up, Ned.
Your tea will be nice and hot,
but the bodies must
be getting cold.
A tuppence for a
game of nug-a-nug.
Gentlemen!
I've got the moistest hot
cross buns in London Town.
[woman] You could be a sex
worker with a heart of gold
who's murdered simply
for trying to survive.
[gasping]
[young woman] So, what's
on the itinerary, my loves?
[woman] Or you could be
a carefree party girl
with her whole
life ahead of her.
-Thank you.
-Have you booked an Uber?
-I thought you booked the Uber!
-No, I told you to book it.
Come on. Get out of here.
[woman] But I am
none of these women.
Nope, I am just a woman who
stares at you online, Wendy Jones.
[in baby voice] Should we look
at Wendy's Instagram? [chuckles]
All day and all night.
[wedding march playing]
Hey, baby. Can you
come here for a second?
[woman] Oh, fuck!
Oh my God!
-[Wendy squeals]
-[woman sobbing]
[Wendy] We're getting married!
[sobs grow louder]
-[Wendy] Oh my God, we're getting married!
-[woman] No! Oh my God.
Stupid fuck! Oh my
God, this is bullshit!
Oh fuck!
-[crying hysterically]
-[wedding march continues]
[pleasant march fades]
[slurring] You don't have to
wait to see if I get inside safe.
I'm very not drunk. I've
had like one alcohol.
[driver] Uh-huh.
Go ahead. Get outta here.
I just wanted to say hi.
Hello. Just stoppin' by. I mean,
I have the key, so here comes.
Comin' to get some… Maybe
I left something here.
[lock rattling]
Fuck! [sighs]
I'm not the kind of girl
you change the locks on.
[keys jangling]
I'm not the kind of girl you change
the locks on, fucker, bitch, whore.
[sighs] I'm goin'
back for my girl.
-Let's go.
-[tense music playing]
You're such a dick.
Here I go, okay.
That's much better.
[woman sighs]
[gasps]
[tense music building]
[screams]
Home invasion! Home invasion!
-Jess?
-Hi. How are ya?
What the fuck?
-Wendy. Wendy, baby, wake up.
-[murmurs]
-[cinematic strings rise]
-[Jess] And there you were, Wendy Jones.
Brooklyn was yours now.
And so was the love of my life.
-[Wendy] Jessica?
-Yeah, it sure as hell is me.
I'm Jessica. Hi.
-Wow, this is really surreal.
-[Jess, mockingly] Oh, is it so surreal?
What the fuck are
you doing here?
Hi, fucker! How 'bout that?
-Girl, are you good?
-No, I'm actually not.
And guess what? You're
a fucking bitch.
Wow, you just woke me up
and called me a bitch? Okay.
Jessica… I've dealt with
this before, all right?
Like, I want to hold space
for how you're feeling,
and I understand that things might
not be perfect right now for you,
but you just broke into our
home, and it's giving crazy.
It's giving psychotic. Okay?
-[breathing shakily]
-[Wendy] Are you crying?
No. No, I'm not. No,
I just… I don't know.
Nothing like this has happened before.
You know? Just, nothing this violent.
Well, I mean, it's
not violent. Yet.
"Yet"? Are you gonna punch me until
I'm bleeding out on the floor?
Can't we just work this out?
-Have a Xanax. We can chill.
-Yeah, we can work it out. Sure.
Let's all sit down with a
cup of tea and work it out.
And you, Zev Jeremiah Goldstein,
need to sit down and
write on a piece of paper
that leaving me is the worst
thing that anyone's ever done!
-Okay.
-You write that out, fucker!
You write that out
in blood, bastard!
Okay. If you don't leave
in the next five seconds,
we're gonna call the police.
Okay? Get the fuck out!
I'm not walking at you.
I'm walking past you, little shorts!
Now, I'll give you to the count of five.
-Five, four, thre…
-Five, four, three, two, one!
-["Dead or Alive" playing]
-Whoa! ♪
Killer… ♪
Stupid fucking lamp! Get fucked!
Bring it ♪
Yeah! ♪
[Jessica] I may have taken
a gnome to your door, Wendy,
but you took an axe to my life!
-[sirens approaching]
-Jim Jones ♪
[hip-hop song fades]
[Jess] You stole what was
mine and forced me to move
into an intergenerational Grey
Gardens hell of single women
and one hairless dog.
-[woman panting]
-Nora, please. The nails.
The sound is horrible.
[Nora] The problem is my nails?
What about mom's throat sound?
-What are you doing?
-[mom panting]
Well, The New York Times
says that small motions,
see, these small motions
I'm doing right here,
they can extend your
life by up to 15 years.
I really encourage you to try.
[Nora] Alan Rickman
is so fucking hot.
It's one of those faces you look
at first, and you're like, "Hmm."
And then you look for longer, and
you're like, "You could 'get it."'
I want to take him out back and
then have him put it in my front.
Yeah, I really encourage you
to try the small motions.
Mom, this is very, very shaming.
Shaming? Shaming?
By suggesting I would
like my daughter
to walk this earth with me
for a little while longer?
I could be the Dalai Lama, and you
would still find fault with me.
If I hadn't married a goy,
your mother wouldn't
have married a goy,
and your sister wouldn't
have married a goy,
and you wouldn't love all
these boring goyishe pictures.
[huffs]
The thing about a Christian man is
they always end up at the corner bar.
That's the reason you're all
single and living in my house.
My Christian man did not
end up at the corner bar.
He ended up in Bushwick,
doing therapeutic ketamine
and experimenting with
pansexuality. It's different.
Just remember that I was with a Jew, and
he still dumped me like I was on fire.
-[chuckles] Oh, but Zev is so funny.
-No, he's not.
If you spruced yourself up a little,
you could make it with him again.
Why don't you hook up with him?
Why don't you suck him off?
-See if you can get him to cum.
-Any day!
-Ew!
-[grandma] So erotic.
He has this erotic smell.
It could come right up
the stairs. I always knew.
You know what? Accept it.
Grandma's gonna hook up with your
ex-boyfriend. Not a big deal.
He's living with another woman
right now, and she is a model.
I'm 13. I'm not expected to have
any plans on a Friday night.
But you're all a tragic
lineup, don't you think?
Ah, well, don't look at me.
All my friends are dead.
We're having a girls' night.
What is wrong with you?
-Just get the drink.
-Buh-bye.
-[boy] See you in hell.
-[grandma] Put vodka in there.
"See you in hell"?
How dare you? I'm
your fucking mother.
He is so much like his father.
-Honestly, you have to rein him in.
-[Nora] Ugh.
Know what I love
about this movie?
Emma Thompson met her real-life
husband of 35 years on this film.
[mom] Yes, Greg Wise.
-[Nora] He is so handsome.
-[mom] So handsome.
[Jess] My only consolation?
Love stories set in
pastoral England.
The romance. The honor.
I mean, nobody's fucking an influencer
in the works of Jane Austen.
-[bright, cheery music playing]
-[Jess] Sorry. Sorry.
Hi, I'm Jessica Alba.
And I'm talking to you, the mom
waiting in the carpool lane.
[hesitates] Can we… Can we cut?
Do you have a hair in your eye?
No, it's just that this
isn't the script I approved.
-Uh-huh.
-It's… It's…
I… I don't know what to say.
Like, you have me talking to everyone
like they're 1950s housewives.
No, so we had to do some
punch-ups to the script
because it was just starting
to feel a little bit harsh.
-Wait, you did punch-ups?
-We get it, you know?
You have kids, you have jobs.
It's really hard for you,
but also really depressing.
Why don't we get hair and makeup in so
we can get the bangs off of her face?
I don't have bangs.
No bangs.
I think that she's more concerned
about the script than the look.
And you made a lot of changes
she wasn't able to see until now.
[Jessica Alba] Wow.
[director] I'm gonna go talk
to the client about the script.
Uh, I'm the client.
-This is my business. I'm the boss.
-I'm so sorry about him.
What a freaking nerd.
I am so over these
under prepared Jeffs.
How do they get hired?
For what it's worth, I
know you don't have bangs.
-You have long layers, obviously.
-Yeah, obviously.
-You created this amazing company.
-Thanks.
I love Dark Angel. It was a
really influential show for me.
I wanted to be a bike
messenger after watching.
[laughs] Really? Listen, okay,
so I have kind of a wild idea.
What if we get Jeff to go take,
I don't know, a permanent nap?
-[laughs]
-And you and I can do this together.
-You know, shoot it in a few hours.
-Um…
-You and I do it? You and I shoot it?
-You and I. Yes!
Um, I don't think you want
me. I'm not very capable.
Uh, yes, you are.
Listen, there's nothing that
that man knows that you don't.
You are way more capable
than him, trust me.
Wait.
Wait, where are you going?
[sighs] I'm gonna go to
the bathroom, Jessica Alba.
Why? Hey!
Well, hurry back, okay?
Because he's… A bed?
-Everything is fine, so chill out!
-No.
No, it's not, because I
found you staring into space,
gnawing on a Danish and
trying to pull out your hair.
It's under control.
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, it is.
Jessica Alba said you ran out of there
and left her to be tucked into some bed
like an orphan in a horror film.
She just asked you
to hold it down.
Okay, well, have the AD do it.
-He's a people person. He'll love that.
-He's not.
He's an ass-grabber who
somehow snuck by Me Too.
[exhales]
You know…
People ask me what it's like
to work with my sister-in-law.
Ex-sister-in-law.
I have to remind you
that you left my sister
to explore non-monogamy with a
couple who are both named Cody.
I will tell whoever listens to
me that we've never had an issue
working together because
you slay for me every time.
But something has
shifted with you.
You had so much passion and
drive and energy when I met you.
You had sparkle.
And now… [sighs]
I don't know, now… [sighs]
…you're matte.
Pfft.
You're just matte.
You've been busy with the Codys,
but I've had a terrible year.
Not only was I left by the man
that I thought I would die with,
so was my sister.
We moved in with my mother,
who lost her house because she's spending
too much money on Sweaty Betty apparel.
I used to think I was gonna
be this great director.
Say something about
the female experience.
You know, I wanted
to say something.
And then, I had to
revise that dream.
And now, I've been working for
people for 15 fucking years
that wouldn't care if I died!
If you took a gun and were
shooting me in the throat,
and I was laid out on the floor bleeding,
they would have me replaced by lunch.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No guns, no shooting.
You're fine. You're fine.
But I get it.
You're unhappy.
[sighs] Okay, listen.
We are merging with
Ratigan and Vine in London.
Congratulations.
And they have asked about
finding a super strong producer
for this… this big Christmas ad.
And I want to put you up for it.
I think this might revive
the Jess that I knew.
At the very least,
you won't tell my soon-to-be ex-wife
when I show up with a forehead hickey.
You want me to go to London?
You love movies where women fan themselves
and die of tuberculosis and shit.
You saw Spice World nine
times in the theater.
No, I can't. I can't leave
this city, this beautiful city.
I can't leave New York.
I am New York, baby.
Look at me.
I… I have a lot.
I have… I have to…
I have…
[tender music playing]
What, babe?
What do you have?
-[wailing]
-I don't understand.
[Jess] And then I
realized I could do it.
I could go and change my life.
You don't own me, Wendy Jones.
[mom] There's the baby.
-We'll miss you, Astrid.
-Hi.
[quietly] You know, I think it took
me a long time before I realized
that I wasn't fully mothered.
[Jess] Mm.
And part of it was postwar attitudes
towards maternal obligation.
But some of it is just
her bad personality.
So I want you to know that
no matter how old you get,
and you will,
I will mother you.
I will mother you harder
than you can take.
Okay, ouch. Sounds violent, Mom.
-Well, hopefully not.
-[both laugh]
If this is going on and
on, I'm going back inside.
Okay, I'll miss you.
I love you, Grandma.
It's very possible I won't see
you again in this lifetime.
-God.
-So give me a kiss on the lips.
Only kidding! [laughs]
Embarrassing when
someone leans in.
Remember to tickle all the
guards at Buckingham Palace.
If anyone can make
them smile, it's you.
You've got a lot of spirit.
No waist, but a lot of spirit.
Okay, get her in the house. Hi.
Americans think British people are
snotty and pretentious but smart.
British think Americans are
stupid and vulgar but funny.
If you remember that, you
should be fine. Later.
Where'd he get that hat?
Miss you. I'll kiss
you on the lips, okay?
-Oh, my baby.
-I'll miss you guys.
I love you.
Call me right when you
get there. Don't forget.
Like, how did we survive
up until this point?
-I don't know.
-Oh, wait, we didn't.
-They are so crazy.
-I can't believe that you're doing this.
You were the kid who
threw up on sleepovers
and had to go home by 7:30 p.m.
I guess I'm all grown up.
I want you to promise
me, this is important,
you won't kiss anyone
missing more than two teeth.
If they are missing teeth,
in the back, not the front.
But let them go down on me?
Yeah. Of course. That's gonna be
an interesting gummy sensation.
[laughs] Ew, I don't want that.
Then just remember, okay?
-[whispers] You're my best thing.
-[chuckles]
I'm going to London. You
might not recognize me.
I had bangs in the last
picture, but it is she!
-High five? Yeah!
-[Jess] Aww.
Wish I was one of
your daughters.
Cheers. They're not all
mine. Just some of them.
Do you guys know
him? Are you okay?
No, three are my nieces.
We just went to Florida.
Okay, and that clears your name.
Patient to others, kind to yourself,
open to new experiences, closed to pain.
Patient to others, kind to
yourself, open to new experiences…
Yes, I know exactly.
[grunts softly]
[energetic music playing]
[driver] Is that a dog?
Yes.
Oh, a phone booth. [chuckles]
-[driver] What's that?
-So funny.
Those phone booths are so funny.
Probably people don't use them, right?
[gasps] Oh my God,
that's Buckingham Palace.
[squeals]
Look!
[gasps] Wow!
[driver] Letting me go?
Thank you. Thank you.
There you go. It's
just here on the left.
Oh no, I think we missed it.
I'm looking for
Hoxton Grove Estate.
You know, estate grounds,
verdant gardens, archways,
some real Merchant
Ivory-type shit.
I think it's back there.
Good luck with that,
love. [chuckles]
[Jess] I just… I don't
think this is it.
-[driver] It is, I'm telling you. [laughs]
-[Jess] No.
That's, uh, £98.75, please.
[laughs] Welcome to London.
[energetic music ends]
Last trip, Mama.
[woman 1] When are they
coming to fix the dryer?
[woman 2] My sheets are damp.
-[woman 1] Nothing you're not used to.
-[group laughs]
[woman 2] Excuse me, I told
you not to talk about that.
[woman 1] Oh! Ooh!
[sighs] Oh, guys, I'm
sick of this life.
[Jess chuckles]
-[man] Hello, traveler. [laughs]
-[screams]
Sorry, I'm Gaz.
I live here in the building.
Uh, I've been put in
charge of your stay
while your hosts Bob and Shirley
enjoy their autumn in Marbella.
That's the life.
-Who are you?
-[chuckles]
Little creature, hi.
Nice to meet you.
-I sure hope you're sweet.
-She's not.
Only because I lost my
leg. Nearly lost my leg.
To a bull terrier,
just… just down there.
Yeah, we had to put her down.
How did you… Never mind.
I'll get the door. It's just
a little bit of a knack to it.
All right, welcome in.
Oh.
It said "estate."
And I just had a different
picture in my head.
I swore I saw crown
molding in the description.
Yep.
But, you know,
that's just a stain.
Er… that, actually, I believe,
is a champagne, uh, stain.
I mean, I… I'm being so silly.
It's just temporary, right?
Three months. I'm not
going to be home a lot.
I'm gonna be at amazing
parties or something.
Yeah.
Type it in. That's a
really nice photo of you.
[Jess] That's the woman
from Murder, She Wrote.
Really?
-Okay.
-Okay, do you have the keys?
So, nothing was really
inspiring me in my closet.
And I just, like, got
this new knitting machine.
And it's just incredible.
I can make these kind of
tube styles really easy.
[mockingly] Oh, you
made your own outfit?
Oh, you can't go to a
store and buy an outfit?
[groans]
Tell me if you think it's
crazy cute or crazy crazy.
[kisses]
[sighs]
You bell end!
[woman above] You absolute cunt!
-You fucking cunt!
-[Jess scoffs]
-Oh my God, I'm in hell.
-[man] Whore!
Cunt!
[Zev on video] Hey, baby, can
you come here for a second?
Oh fuck!
Oh my God!
[Jess sobbing]
[Wendy] We're getting married!
[wedding march playing]
No. Oh my God, you stupid fuck!
-[joyful music fades]
-[Jess] No, Wendy, no.
No, okay? [laughs]
I came here to release you, not
to replay you again and again.
So I'll put on my dress,
and I'll handle my hair,
and I'll go to a
random bar… sorry, pub,
and I'll let life
have its way with me.
Or, you know, um, maybe
I'll have my way with it,
with my life.
I'll just, uh, get over there
and have my way with my life.
There you go. That
makes sense. [chuckles]
Where are you from…?
Where are you from?
Gentlemen that can't get it up and
women that fart in their sleep,
welcome to the 100th millionth
installment of Easy Come,
where we bring you the best
musicians live and direct.
And we're lucky to have
with us one of our regulars.
He's the king of excess, a
crystalline raindrop of a boy.
Along with whatever form
his band takes tonight,
I give you Felix
and the Feelers.
[crowd cheers]
Yeah, thanks, Jonah. Here we go.
[band plays moody
alternative song]
I'd rather ♪
Lie here in Venus's lap ♪
Like a pearl ♪
Where Mars is red and mad ♪
Waging war like a game ♪
I'm bursting into flames ♪
Give me that honey ♪
I just want honey ♪
It's always the girls
It's always the girls ♪
It's always the girls
It's always the girls ♪
[groans]
[quietly] Oh my God.
[urinating]
[man] Fucking hell.
Who's done that?
Fuck's sake.
[toilet flushes]
[man] Yo, sorry, have you
got any bog roll in there?
Oh hi.
[man] Hi, sorry, I'm not taking
a shit or anything. It's just…
A total fucking carnage
situation in here.
Sorry, are you talking to me?
-[man] Uh, yep. Can you see my hand?
-[Jess] Yeah.
-[man] Have you got any bog roll in there?
-Oh.
[man] What do you call it?
Toilet… Yeah, thank you.
Okay.
[man] Yeah, I don't want
someone to think it was me,
do you know what I mean?
[under breath] Fuck me.
[man grunts]
I've actually done a good
job of that in the end.
Oh, you sing. You're
the singing guy.
-Oh yeah, yeah.
-It was really nice.
Thanks, yeah. Bit of a
weird song, that one.
I think the sinks are broken.
You can still use the
soap. Just rub it in.
No, you can't. You have
to rinse off the soap.
Otherwise, you have germs
and soap on your hands.
Plus, you'll be really sticky.
Feel that?
-Yeah, you're really sticky.
-Won't be in ten minutes, though.
Why? What are you gonna
do? Chop your hands off?
Want one of those drinks?
They're my friends', but
they probably got new ones.
No offense, I would literally
never take an open drink from a man
who doesn't wash his hands.
Fair enough. Felix, by the
way. Thanks for the bog roll.
Okay, I'm Jessi…
I'm Jessica!
Whatever they want to call
it, baby Me and you got it ♪
I said whatever they
want To call it, baby… ♪
-Are you okay?
-[woman] Fine, yeah.
Are you sure?
You seem kind of…
not-okay vibes.
Can I just be where I am,
or… do I have to smile all the
time like some laughing clown?
I mean, you hardly ever smile. That's
one of the things I like about you.
Then when you do smile,
it's extra spesh.
Smile button.
Oh, it's broken. Boop. Boop.
Nope. Shall I guess?
Later, Felix.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Wow.
Maybe I'll take a Diet Coke
whenever you get the chance.
But don't worry
about it. I mean…
I'm not even thirsty.
I love this place.
It's so indie. It's awesome.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
-[Felix] Hey.
-What?
[Felix] Funny, seeing you here.
I was literally just thinking
about whether you believed me
about how it wasn't me who
pissed on the toilet seat.
[Jess chuckles] No, I
mean, I saw it before.
What are you doing standing
on your own under a bridge?
I'm trying to get an Uber. I don't
understand why it's not working.
Know where this is?
Yeah, you've ordered
that to Heathrow.
Okay, that explains it.
[groans]
I guess I'll just walk.
It's probably not that far.
What if you accidentally
walk to Heathrow?
I mean, that's a distinct
possibility, I guess.
Where are you going? It's
about to piss it down.
Hoxton Grove Estate?
-[Felix laughs]
-[chuckles] What?
Bet you thought that meant something
else when you saw the word "estate."
I mean, I'm not upset. I just
need to adjust my expectations.
I'm always, like,
adjusting my expectations.
Let me guess, you're like one of
those Love Actually-loving girls…
The Crown? You're obsessed?
You're on a pilgrimage
No, I'm not obsessed
with The Crown.
Thank you very much.
I'm, um, a Wuthering Heights,
Prime Suspect rising, I guess.
Shit, okay. Sorry, I
underestimated you.
Yeah, you did.
But I did have a special-edition
Princess Diana Beanie Baby.
Yeah, we all had those. You've
got an American accent, right?
No, I'm not… I don't have that.
I don't have an American accent.
It's Slovakian, actually.
I've actually always
liked American things.
Really? Like what?
The Simpsons. I genuinely
like The Simpsons.
[Jess] Yeah, it's a good show.
-Captain Crunch.
-[Jess] Yum.
Delicious.
OxyContin. That's American,
right? Big fan of that.
[Jess] Yum, I love that, yeah.
It's my favorite breakfast.
-Sorry, how long have you been here again?
-I got in today.
-I got here today.
-What the fuck?
[chuckles] I know.
What are you doing in South London
without any of your friends?
Do you want me to
tell you the truth?
My ex-boyfriend and I
split up six months ago
because he couldn't see himself
as a father and a husband.
And now he's engaged to an
online girl. Like, an influencer.
She makes lip gloss.
-Do you want me to murder them?
-[Jess] Yeah.
I want you to cut their heads
off and sew them back on.
As a lesson. I don't want
you to fully kill them, but…
I'll root you on.
You cold, by the
way? I got this.
No, I run hot.
Yeah. I'm, like, sweating.
-Do you want to walk?
-Are you going to my house?
I don't want you to get murdered
on your first night in London.
That's really nice.
No, I'm sort of semi-squatting with
a friend near this area called Angel.
We live right across
from the Internet.
-It's really doing my head in.
-The Internet?
Yeah, like, one of the big
companies, Internet companies.
It's stressing me out
because when I wake up in the morning,
we live right opposite this building.
So, I'm like, "Have they just
been beaming Internet signals
straight into my brain
and my crotch all night?"
-Do you know what I mean?
-That sounds really, like, sexual.
-Like I'm being fucked by the Internet?
-Yeah.
I feel like I'm being fucked all
night by this Internet building.
That's pretty graphic.
That's disgusting.
I actually heard my neighbor
yell "cunt" really loudly
and then throw her husband
up against the wall.
At least, that's
what it sounds like.
What, where you're going now?
-Mm-hmm, where I'm going now.
-Dark, okay.
I know, I don't know why I
said that. What a bummer.
You're sure it's this far?
[Felix] This is like a
two-hour affair, at least.
[Jess] Oh, so now
we're having an affair?
[chuckles]
I'm actually
getting really cold.
-[Felix] Oh, yeah? Do you want my jacket?
-Yes, please.
[Felix] It's kind of blustery when
you're surrounded by tall buildings.
-Right?
-[Jess] Yeah.
-[Felix] Do you need a hand?
-[Jess chuckles]
[Felix] There you go. Fucking
hell, you're going to blow away.
[Jess laughs, sighs]
-I'm actually really hot now, sorry.
-[Felix] What?
[Jess] I'm immediately hot.
-It's thick.
-[Felix] This is a whirlwind.
Okay.
Well, do you want to come up and see
my new, horrible, shitty new apartment?
[in American accent] "Your apartment?
"Oh my God, my apartment sucks."
-[chuckles]
-I don't sound like that.
[normal voice] But
yeah, all right.
This isn't horrible at
all. It's… kind of homey.
[Jess chuckles]
It's like being in a grandma's
suitcase or something.
I quite like it.
Oh my God, who is that?
-How'd you get in here?
-[whines]
[Felix] What is that?
[Jess chuckles]
Is that your dog?
She's a weirdo, but
she's an iconic queen.
-Hey.
-[Jess chuckles]
I mean, I guess we're
all weirdos, aren't we?
I adopted her when she
was nine. She's ten now.
She had a cancerous
lump on her lung,
so I emptied out my
savings and got it removed,
and now she's just
a cancer-free lump.
-Oh. Hey. Hi, Lumpkin.
-[Jess clears throat]
She's not wearing any clothes.
-Stop looking at her.
-Okay.
[dog whines]
[Felix] Does she
have a favorite song?
[Jess] Um, probably
anything by Fiona Apple.
[Felix] Oh.
Tidal's a good album.
Well, it's the first
CD I ever owned.
Tidal?
Not, like, Backstreet Boys
or… that song about how it's
just a little crush or whatever?
Mm.
Who'd leave you?
Fuck that guy.
Well, you don't know
him. Maybe he's amazing.
Maybe you guys would
be best friends.
Nah, I don't think
we'd be best friends.
Um… [laughs awkwardly]
-Um…
-Oh.
-Sorry. Uh…
-Sorry.
-Uh, are you sick?
-No.
No, I'm just, like,
seeing someone.
Uh, like, it… like, it's not…
It's probably not gonna work
out. But it's been a few months…
Yeah, um, sure.
I'm trying to do stuff
a bit differently…
[Jess] Uh, I… I was kidding.
I'm so tired. I just, um…
I gotta work. Not tonight.
I'm not a night worker.
-I'm not a cop.
-Okay.
I shouldn't have even went
out tonight. [chuckles]
Where's my bed? I've gotta go to…
I feel like I'm asleep right now.
-[Felix] Want to hang out another time?
-[Jess] Yeah, so nice to see ya.
Yeah, good to meet you too.
Do you want to swap numbers?
I need to go to sleep.
Cool, okay. All right.
Get out of here, or I'll
kiss you again! I'm kidding.
-All right. See you.
-Yeah.
Do you have a bag or something?
-No, I don't. You're okay, yeah?
-Okay.
Hope to see you
singing around town.
Cool. All right. Bye.
[scoffs, screams]
I saw a bug!
Dear, dear Wendy Jones,
I'm no longer dreaming of
a new life. I'm living it.
I'm gonna take a lover.
Not the guy that was here tonight, he's
kind of weird, but a different lover.
Many lovers. We're all gonna make
love. Or something like that.
The fire of my passion
cannot be extinguished.
-[gasps]
-[candle clatters]
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Stop, drop, and roll!
Stop! Drop! And roll!
Oh my God!
[tense music peaks, fades]
[Fiona Apple's "Slow like
Honey" on headphones]
You moved like honey ♪
In my dream last night ♪
-[scoffs]
-Yeah, some old fires were burning ♪
You came near… ♪
[Jess sobbing] Fuck! 911! 911!
Or is it different here?
[whines] 901? 999?
I feel totally dizzy.
Like, I feel like I'm going
to pass out or something.
[operator] Can you unlatch
the door for us, ma'am?
Uh, I just feel like I'm gonna
go down, and I'm not drunk.
If you thought I was
drunk, I'm not drunk.
[Gaz] Yeah, look. We're very
dear friends. Very close.
If there's any last-minute operations
or decisions, I'm your guy. All right?
So what's going on? Did she
do it on purpose, or what?
Before we go, we needed to
get her under some cold water.
-Like I'm pasta?
-[officer] What, ma'am?
Like I'm pasta?
I'm burned, and this little
guy's just spraying me.
You're fine.
-[sobbing]
-Just keep breathing.
Just keep breathing like
you're giving birth to twins.
Wait. Where's my dog? You
guys aren't watching my dog.
-Drama queen.
-If she was a kid, you'd watch her.
You only care about kids.
You don't care about dogs.
-What, that little goat?
-Thought it was a hairless cat.
-[groans]
-[officer] Stay with me. You all right?
[Jess] And by God,
Wendy, there he was.
My Mr. Darcy.
My Rochester.
My Alan Rickman.
My… Felix.
How come every time
you come around ♪
My London, London Bridge
Wanna go down, like ♪
London, London, London ♪
-Wanna go down like ♪
-London, London, London ♪
Be going down like ♪
How come every time
you come around ♪
My London, London Bridge
Wanna go down, like ♪
London, London, London ♪
Wanna go down like ♪
London, London, London
Be going down like ♪
That Grey Goose Got
your girl feeling loose ♪
Now I'm wishing That I
didn't wear these shoes ♪
It's like every time
I get up on the dude ♪
Paparazzi put my business in the
news And I'm like, get up out my face ♪
Before I turn around And
spray your ass with mace ♪
My lips make you
wanna have a taste ♪
You got that? ♪
I got the bass ♪
How come every time
you come around ♪
My London, London Bridge
Wanna go down, like ♪
London, London, London ♪
-Wanna go down like ♪
-London, London, London ♪
Be going down like ♪
How come every time
you come around ♪
My London, London Bridge
Wanna go down, like ♪
London, London, London ♪
Wanna go down like
London, London, London ♪
Be going down like ♪
[upbeat pop song ends]