Vladimir (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

It has recently come to my attention that
I may never again have power
over another human being.
My students, who
once fell over themselves to impress me,
now consider my teachings… out of touch.
My daughter, who used to worship me,
now finds my entire personhood rather
useless.
And while it may be possible
that a man might make a concession for me,
I may not be the cause
of a spontaneous erection ever again.
As an older woman,
truly, what is more embarrassing,
I will have lost the ability to captivate.
I find this very sad.
Don't you?
What the fuck? What the…
Oh, sorry.
We're making a harvest salad
for the faculty retreat.
It'll be my 30th year at the college,
and thus will be my 30th faculty retreat.
But
I came in utero, so…
It's a real fuck-you salad.
The kind that makes everyone
a bit embarrassed about what they brought.
- That one.
- This one?
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Today might be fun.
There is a bit of a sex scandal.
Liaisons between a professor
and his students.
And as luck would have it…
…the professor in question happens to be
my husband.
Okay, and the Title IX situation?
Andre, you have an update?
Okay, without beating around the bush,
the number of accusers has risen to six.
Uh, six young women.
Well, they're not as young anymore.
And the number of signatures
on the petition
demanding for John's removal is…
Wow. Over 1,000 with alumni support.
What?
When I was in college,
I wanted to fuck all my professors.
Old, young, male, female,
but… I was too timid. Mm.
As George Bernard Shaw once said,
a firm ass is wasted on the young.
Here we are.
Did I tell you
once I walked into his office ages ago,
and boom, there was a girl
with her bosom all over his face, like…
- What's that called again?
- Being a sexual predator?
- It was a different time.
- Mmm… was it?
Sweetie, was it now? No. It was different.
- Guys, let's not start--
- Oh, waterboarding.
- It was not waterboarding.
- I think motorboating is the correct term.
What? No.
- It's motorboating.
- I'm looking it up.
- Motorboating, one word.
- Folks, let's not…
Okay, let's go in.
John's suspension will remain
in effect until the hearing. Date TBD.
There's a report being, um… assembled.
But I wanna congratulate David
on stepping in as our chair so quickly.
You're doing super. Huzzah for David?
Go David!
"Motorboating is the act
of pushing one's face
in between two ample breasts
and rocking one's head side to side
very rapidly
while making a vigorous 'brrrr' sound."
- I present to you academia.
- There might be something--
Oh, my friends, I'm so sorry.
I had the wrong time. I can't believe it.
- We were just moving on.
- Carry on.
David, is there an extra chair or--
Hey, excuse me.
Take mine.
I forget. Have you met Vladimir Vladinski?
Oh, our… our new, uh… assistant professor?
Uh, no.
No, we have not, uh… met.
Please sit.
Oh, I'm fine.
Well, I need to stand for my back,
plus… seniority.
Well, I'll pretend
you didn't say that last part, but, uh…
Okay, and moving on.
- I meant from an employment standpoint.
- Oh, I'm joking.
We still need two more volunteers
for the Meckleburg…
How are your groceries?
Oh, put away.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Respectful…
It's bad luck
to leave your bag on the floor.
Be concise. Maintain confidentiality.
Engage constructively.
Maintain perspectives. Any questions?
The more you say it.
Mm. Oh, they went crazy for my salad.
Devoured it, so, uh…
Ooh, David's Frito pie.
- Mm!
- Do you want some?
I'm no-go on gluten, unfortunately.
Do you suffer from celiac's?
My son's friend suffers from celiac's.
More like body dysmorphia.
Thank you again for the chair.
It's my pleasure. They say sitting kills.
Oh, so I've heard.
Have you tried
one of those standing desks?
No, but I should, shouldn't I?
- I don't know, should you?
- Might be good for my quads.
Oh! Ha…
Um…
How are you adjusting
to life in the countryside?
To be honest,
I'm, uh… I'm really struggling.
Oh my God!
Oh, hey.
Oh my God! Uh, hi, hi, hi! I…
I'm Cynthia.
Oh, you're teaching for us too, right?
Yes! She's got one class.
Hi. I fucking love your novel.
Truly fucking formative.
I've been so excited to meet you.
Oh, well, I'm a big disappointment.
Fun. Me too.
Sorry, I would've been here sooner,
but our daughter defecated
inside of her clothing.
Oh no.
I've been telling him
that he has to read your book.
Well, I haven't read his book yet,
so we're even.
Oh, it's not as good as yours.
- Oh, uh…
- Thank you.
Well, why don't you come over
for cocktails sometime this week,
and we can swap copies, both of you.
Ah, yeah. I don't drink,
but he loves to when I'm not around.
- We don't have to drink.
- Oh, no.
I very much… I want him to drink.
It's, uh… it's good for him.
- Yeah.
- Oops.
- Um, sorry.
- Oh, sorry.
- May I borrow these two for one moment?
- Yes, I'll send you an email.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Since Vladimir is full-time,
this will affect him more than you.
There's just some 401(k) paperwork.
- What do you think she heard?
- It's really unfair.
It's a terrible position to be in.
I feel so bad.
Unconscionable that she didn't
say anything about it yet.
But you know. I guess it's not surprising.
I'm worried about…
Be good.
Hey.
- I have a question.
- I might have an answer.
Did you actually see the report?
Sure did.
Will you send it to me?
Please?
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Oh, enjoy.
- Mm!
- Mm!
Scandalous.
It's very hard for me to understand how…
- Did you salt these?
- Yes.
…consensual affairs that were fun,
not despite the power dynamic
but because of the power dynamic,
could be thought of
as hurtful or damaging after the fact.
- You put something else on them?
- Cumin.
Oh fuck.
As a fellow female, I'm a little offended.
I wanna tell these women
that when they're sad,
it's probably not
because of the sex they had
and more because
they spend too much time on the Internet,
wondering what people think about them.
Fresh meats.
Here we go.
Top it off.
Hoo, fire
Hoo, hoo
To be clear,
John and I have always had an arrangement.
The kids today would call it
an open marriage
but without all the awful communication.
- Did they read my letter?
- It didn't come up.
You think you could deal with the compost
before next Sunday? No!
Move it along, buddy!
They need to read the letter.
It's been ten years
since I even looked at a coed.
Are we in the 1960s?
Why are you calling them coeds?
Oh, and they're setting a date
for the hearing.
Good, because I never broke the rules.
Technically.
Exactly.
Could you bring me a towel, please?
You didn't answer.
Um, can you deal with the compost
before next Sunday?
Maybe. Did you meet the new professors?
Our replacements?
- They're not our replacements.
- Let's hope.
Anyway, yes, I met them.
They are young
and fresh-faced and full of promise.
We'll beat that out of them.
Vlad, the husband, he's coming over
for cocktails next Sunday.
- I can get a better read.
- While Sid's here?
Oh, damn it!
Okay, I'll reschedule.
- When Sid comes…
- Mm-hmm.
…with this whole thing,
let's not say anything to her.
Look, our daughter doesn't need to know
about this whole--
For dinner on Saturday, salmon?
- Yeah, I'll do it on the grill.
- I'll get fresh stuff from the farm stand.
We can use my lettuce.
It's almost ready to pick.
Sure.
And make some pasta or something.
I can't eat just fish and veggies.
I'll waste away.
I'm considering giving up gluten.
Please don't.
Why not?
I don't wanna talk to Sid about it.
Thank you.
I know this hasn't been easy for you.
Mm-hmm.
I appreciate what you're doing.
That's all I'm saying.
Mm.
- Such sentiment.
- Seriously.
Look, as far as I'm concerned,
I'm just doing what I've always done.
Hit it like rom-pom-pom-pom
- Get it hot
- Get it hot like Papa John…
- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.
For years now, John and I
have been a golden couple on campus.
- Get it hot
- Get it hot like Papa John
Make a bitch…
He, the poetry scholar
and charismatic chair,
and me, the desperately sought-after
professor of creative writing
and passionate instructor of
the most popular class in the department.
Get it hot like Papa John
- Get it hot
- Get it hot like Papa John…
- What's up, bitches?
- Go on and on…
Women in American Fiction.
A bit broad, don't you think?
Get it hot like Papa John
Make a bitch go on and on…
- That was a pun.
- It's a femininomenon
Hit it like
Get it hot
Make a bitch
It's a fem, fem, fem
Two cappuccinos.
Yes. Did you get soy?
- Soy.
- Thank you.
- Perfect.
- Dairy.
So, um…
- We were talking before.
- Mm-hmm.
And we did wanna kinda say something.
Oh, yes, that's what I want. Please.
Sorry.
You're fine.
- Am I?
- Um…
We just wanted to, um… offer that you…
uh… don't have to do
the whole supportive-wife thing.
Wow.
Okay.
- Say more.
- Oh, yeah.
Like, like we just think
you're this hot, brilliant lady.
Like, like we think you're really hot.
Yeah.
And, um, we just think you don't have to,
like, stand by your man.
My dear, dear friends.
I am so flattered by your concern.
It's gonna be on our shoulders.
That's what I'm trying to avoid happening.
- That's all I'm saying.
- God!
This man and I once had an affair.
In meetings,
if I was wearing the right pair of pants,
I could make myself orgasm
just by looking at his profile.
Time can make things simpler,
if you know what I mean.
Ready for action?
- Just about.
- Hey.
Actually, um, I spoke to a group
of students who said you met today.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I just am actually concerned
about them.
Like, they said they were really anxious
talking to you.
Okay.
Just 'cause, like, some, like, survivors
are often not believed by enablers
who are often older women.
David.
So I just think
we need to be really thoughtful
of what we're
putting the students through.
Sorry, were they anxious to speak to me,
or were they anxious
after they spoke to me?
I didn't get confirmation on that.
When I hear "anxious,"
that's, like, noteworthy.
- Okay. Flo, I know you're new.
- I've been here for eight years.
So maybe you don't know how things work,
but I'm gonna request
that you not speak to me about this
in unofficial ways for perhaps ever.
Sorry. Is that okay?
David, do you think
you could eat the snack food products
that literally fell on the floor
any louder?
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
Hi.
Ready for action?
We'll see.
Where did they put you?
- Upstairs?
- I got him in 406.
Oh, my old office.
Oh, that's why the vibes are so good.
Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, no, no, an interruption was
exactly what we needed.
- Um… okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, you have everything, right?
- Mom!
Hi!
Mm!
Mm, you smell good.
Let me look at you.
Oh, you look so cool.
- Where's Alexis?
- She's coming tomorrow.
- On the train?
- She bought a car.
- Oh, how grown up.
- She's 35.
When you were 35,
I was, like, eight. You had tenure.
And now you're 27, and I just turned 40.
It's incredible.
Age jokes are lame, Mom.
So Alexis is starting
to wanna talk about having a kid.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay. I mean, you're awfully young.
- I'm the same age as you were.
- That was a different time.
Alexis is already a geriatric pregnancy.
- Right, but for you.
- No, I know.
In New York, I'd be, like, a teen mom.
Might be kinda hot.
A child is serious.
I know. I was joking.
Just because your partner wants something
doesn't mean it's right for you.
- Mom!
- I like Alexis.
- I love Alexis.
- Please just stop talking.
I don't think
you should let her steamroll you.
She's not steamrolling me!
We're just talking about it. Why are--
I'm still paying your student loans.
Okay, Mom. Oh my God.
I'm so sorry I told you.
Next time,
I'm not gonna tell you anything.
That is awesome for our relationship.
Thank you, Mom.
Oh, listen, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm stressed.
You're fine.
Please don't tell me I'm fine.
- You wanna stop at the bakery with me?
- Can you just drop me off, please?
A former student I had to fail.
May I get a bûche de Noël?
We only have the 12-inch.
Oh, perfect.
It's my daughter's favorite. She'll…
She didn't come to class,
and she didn't do the work.
It wasn't personal.
- May I pay now?
- Can I box it up first, please?
Of course. Take your time.
Tap your card.
- Oh! Sorry.
- You're fine.
Putting everything aside,
I was like, "Where is your self-respect?"
She should be embarrassed.
It's like Greek theater.
It's the Oresteia.
No, it's not.
It's a family drama
where every action sets off a consequence
that then has to be reckoned with.
What's more Greek?
Caitlyn is Clytemnestra.
Khloe is Electra. We're the Furies.
- This is an amazing conversation.
- Imagine growing up with them.
I love pop culture. Yay, pop culture,
but it is not a Greek tragedy.
I mean, the whole point of tragedy
is taking something unwieldy
and submitting it to a structure.
Exactly what they're doing
with The Kardashians.
No, something that is open-ended
cannot be compared to a Greek tragedy.
They're ontologically
and phenomenologically opposed.
Don't talk dirty to me.
The definition of tragedy is
a single, complete, and whole action.
Look, here's the thing.
Your mother cannot grasp evolving forms.
- What?
- Yeah.
Never been an independent thinker.
Never been her strength.
She likes stuff to be time tested so that
she doesn't have to actively evaluate it.
Please stop.
She wants everything to be,
"Mr. Went stole Lady Parson's glove!"
"How scandalous."
"Starking longed for Lily,
but she died making hats, you know."
His name is Selden.
Why are you making fun of me?
- She's stuck up in her ivory tower.
- Well, at least I'm in the tower, John.
At least I'm inside the tower,
unlike you, who is not in the tower,
who is no longer allowed
in the fucking tower
because you took little girls
into the tower.
- Hey. Hey.
- What?
Your father is suspended from teaching
because he had sex with students!
And I have to deal with all of his mess.
People judging me, talking about me,
students feeling anxious!
- And you can sit there and mock me!
- Guys.
What do you have to deal with?
You want me around long enough
to get my pension
and get the fuck out of your life.
- What's happening?
- Oh, that's correct, John.
I've spent 30 years living with you
and working with you,
and all I want on this whole blessed earth
is to be alone.
Stop!
But now you're gonna lose your pension
because you got motorboated
by a 21-year-old communications major,
and I'm gonna be stuck with you
walking around my house
with your low-slung balls
hanging out of your goddamn shorts
for the rest of my life.
Stop!
Oh my God.
- I'm so sorry.
- Sweetie…
- It's not that bad.
- Babe, take a breath.
- I knew about it.
- You knew about it?
- Well, I mean, not specifics, but--
- We had an open marriage.
- Mom, what the fuck?
- What?
- I'm an only child, Ma.
- Ma?
There were three of us in the house.
And you just keep something like that
from me?
- We talked about telling you--
- You knew he was fucking students?
- Hey. It was not against the rules.
- I vaguely knew, but I--
Know who else vaguely knew
something bad was happening?
The freaking Germans in World War II.
That is not an appropriate comparison.
- I'm leaving.
- But I bought a bûche de Noël.
- I'll take it to go.
- But I wanted some.
Then fucking keep it!
Just leave her a slice.
Sid! Sid, honey. Let's talk about this.
- Babe.
- Did you get the cake?
Did you leave me a piece?
Argh!
- Missy!
- Can we go?
This is unacceptable behavior!
This is a 48-dollar cake!
Ugh! Just get…
…out of here!
This is my house too.
Find somewhere else to sleep tonight,
John, please.
I'm serious. I'm done. It's over.
No more supportive wife.
No more staying the course.
It's over. I'm done.
Calm down.
Get the fuck out of here!
You kidding me?
- Okay.
- Get out of here!
Fucking maniac. Fine.
Do you believe the novel is
still relevant in our cultural discourse?
I guess I often think about what
Vladimir Nabokov said in an interview.
He said something
like, um… "I don't wish to touch…"
…my parents wanted me to be an engineer.
So tell us what's next for you.
I'm teaching, actually.
And, uh, yes, as you said,
my wife is also a writer.
We met in Iowa.
And, yes, there are huge benefits to that
because we both understand the process.
But, of course, with a young child,
it also makes it really fuckin' hard.
All I want is a life
free of complications.
If I can't have power, can I at least
be free from other people's drama?
Free from their behavior,
free from their needs and their desires.
Is that selfish?
I've just come
to the time in my life when…
…I don't wanna have to think
about anyone else.
Is this still a good time?
She is benediction
She is addicted to thee
She is the root connection
She is connecting with he
Here I go, and I don't know why
I float so ceaselessly
Could it be
He's takin' over me?
I'm dancin' barefoot
Headin' for a spin
Some strange music draws me in
Makes me come on like some heroine