Adults (2025) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[Billie] Please don't fire me.
Please don't fire me.
Please don't fire me.
[knocks on door]
-Hi.
-Hi. Peeing or pooping?
It started as pooping, but now
I'm not sure what it is.
It started as pooping, but now
I'm not sure what it is.
-That's fine.
That's most shits for me.
-Okay, Samir, up. Okay,
-That's fine.
That's most shits for me.
-Okay, Samir, up. Okay,
you're sure, right?
Because if I had this much
body hair, I would flaunt it.
I know you would, Issa.
It's very brave of you.
But no, this girl says
she wants me
smooth as a sperm cell.
Ew, what?
-It's sickening. But still
-What the hell?
-like, she's cute,
you know? So
-Okay. Lean back.
[Samir] Okay. Ow.
-You okay, Bills?
-Yeah, no, I'm fine. I just
-I need to hear from work.
-Oh, my God, Billie.
You're not gonna get fired.
You're not gonna get fired.
Guys, I threatened my boss.
I told him to be careful
around me.
Guys, I threatened my boss.
I told him to be careful
around me.
Even if they do fire you,
what is the worst that happens?
Uh, I go broke.
I can't pay my loans.
I start an OnlyFans,
but only you guys subscribe.
-You can't do OnlyFans.
-You wouldn't make it on there.
Ow. I think there might be
actually something wrong.
-Not against the grain.
-One second.
-His shaving cream.
-Oh, so true. Thank you.
-Don't go against the grain.
-Sorry.
-What's wrong? Period cramps?
-No, she's two weeks out.
-Oh, I'm sorry, Bills.
Okay, open up.
-What?
I'm gonna pee
between your legs.
You've been in here all day.
-Anton, no. What?
-He's the best at that.
-No, you let him pee
through your legs?
-All the time.
We call it "log fluming" 'cause
she's usually dropping one
-Anton, just go downstairs!
-No! That bathroom scares me.
-Ow! Guys!
-Okay, Billie, breathe, okay?
You're just stressing
yourself out over nothing.
-I accidentally made
a swastika.
-No, you didn't.
-Don't worry,
I'm gonna salvage it.
-Don't worry? Don't salvage.
-Gosh.
-[Samir] Don't. Just delete.
[Samir stammers]
The whole point was
just to get rid of everything.
-Anton, just keep refreshing.
I need to
-Anton, don't pee
-in my parents' shower,
please! Anton, stop.
-Stop yelling. I need to focus.
-I don't feel great
about this either.
-Stop. Oh, my God. Samir.
-Mistakes were made.
Have to make a call.
-You're done.
-[gasps]
-[screams]
Which hole did that come from?
The wrong one.
[screams]
-You don't have
a prostate, right?
-No.
-No. No, I know.
-[Issa] Hi,
I'm here to see
Billie Schaeffer,
the beautiful careerist
with the bleeding asshole.
Relationship to patient?
Oh, actually,
this one's fun. Okay,
so Billie grew up with Samir,
and then Samir and I
went to college together.
And then, actually
You're gonna die
[chuckles] at this.
So junior year,
Anton enters the picture,
and now the friend group
is finally, like, full,
it feels like,
-'cause it has like
-I'll just put "friend."
Oh, totally. Thanks.
Samir, breathe. I'm fine.
I know. Anton said it
could just be post-anal drip.
-Yeah, he's fucking with you.
-Oh, he's fucking with me.
Billie. Hi. Hi, sweetie.
Here, here, here's your thing.
Uh, don't even worry.
I just swung by work.
I took the whole week off.
I just swung by work.
I took the whole week off.
-Oh, no, please don't do that.
-No. No, no. It's totally,
totally fine.
-Oh, no, please don't do that.
-No. No, no. It's totally,
totally fine.
Guys, I'm fine.
It's just a colonoscopy.
Dads get them all the time.
What's your weight, Bills?
Anton.
-What? It's for the anesthesia.
-Still, it's fucked up
that they ask.
Billie, we're ready for you.
You can just leave
the forms for now.
We just need you to choose
your proxy.
-My
-Someone who can make
medical decisions
-My
-Someone who can make
medical decisions
for you in case of emergency.
for you in case of emergency.
Oh. Huh. Uh
Um
-I will do it.
-[stammers] See, I mean, you
Billie, I'm so great
in emergency situations.
You know this.
Remember when I got stung
by all those bees?
-Uh-huh.
-Mm-mmm.
Or I could.
-Yeah?
-I mean, I-I could do it.
-Yeah? Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Uh No.
-Okay. Great. Yeah.
Okay. Samir's got it.
-Wait, what? No.
-Okay, do not worry about me.
Samir, you've got this.
Issa, go to work.
Anton, keep refreshing my phone
for work emails.
Like, if
You can wake me up, honestly,
-if anything comes through.
-Good luck, Bills.
-[Anton] Love you.
-Love you.
Open wide.
[exhales sharply]
Guess I'm the guy. [chuckles]
[smacks lips]
Anton, if you had to pick
a proxy, you would obviously
Don't do this to yourself.
It's not gonna end well.
And we inspect
the lining of the colon.
Okay, got it. And you know
she's allergic to sesame?
What is he even saying?
Can I use your card then?
I feel like I should be
taking notes.
Samir's not even
-Hey, Iss.
-Hi.
-Finally. You're here.
-Hi, baby. Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The F train was a mess.
-How's it going?
-Truly? Horrible.
-Really?
-Yeah. Billie didn't pick me
as her proxy,
even though I am literally
the nexus of this friend group.
[chuckles]
Totally, yes. Uh, meant
more like, how's Billie doing?
Totally, yes. Uh, meant
more like, how's Billie doing?
Oh, I mean, she's touch and go.
Oh, I mean, she's touch and go.
-What?
-What? I don't know
what that means.
I'm just trying to tell you,
I feel unseen, Paul Baker.
-Okay, I see you.
I see you. Okay.
-Do you? Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
So she's not up yet, but, uh,
I talked to the doctor
and she's gonna be fine.
So she's not up yet, but, uh,
I talked to the doctor
and she's gonna be fine.
-Oh, thank God.
-That's good.
-W-W-What was wrong?
-They don't even know
what was wrong.
-What?
-I know.
-What? What do you mean
they don't know?
-Yeah. I mean,
they want her back
in two weeks, obviously,
for an endoscopy.
-It's like
a throat scope thing.
-Mm-hmm.
And, uh, yeah, insurance is
gonna cover the whole thing.
Bada bing bada boom.
Taken care of. Managed it.
No worries.
[sighs]
What?
No, nothing, nothing.
Nothing?
I mean, she-she might not
have insurance
in two weeks, but
She might not have insurance
in two weeks, Samir.
-What?
-She's insured through work.
[stammers]
through work, Samir.
So we have to
get this done today,
otherwise she's gonna owe,
like, a million dollars
when she is out of work.
-[Issa exhales sharply]
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm gonna have to
deal with this.
-No, no, Issa,
you're gonna make it worse.
-You're not doing anything.
-Okay. Well,
she picked me, Iss.
-I'm the praxis.
-Proxy.
Proxy.
[scoffs] Okay.
Eat your fucking Twix.
Baby, come on.
-Okay, I got this. I got this.
-Of course.
She picked you.
-She picked me, so I got this.
-Yeah. She picked you.
-You're her "pick me" girl.
-I got this.
Good luck.
-Yeah, that's gonna go poorly.
-Yeah. [sighs]
Mm-hmm.
-You wanna race wheelchairs?
[chuckles]
-Fuck yeah.
Here, this is yours.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-12-lead ECG.
-Corners!
[chattering]
So, we got Owens
Dr. Powell? Dr. Powell. Hi. Hi.
What's
Uh, your friend is not out yet.
We'll get you when she's ready.
No, just-just
just real quick, just
Sorry, the-the test
that you had mentioned,
the, uh [stammers] Uh
-Endoscopy.
-No, you
Sorry, I wrote it down, um
No, you're right, endoscopy.
Could we maybe
just do that today,
you know,
while you're in there?
While I'm in there?
I don't know where it is,
but could you
You should go back to
the waiting room. Your friend
can call the office tomorrow.
She can't. No, she can't,
because she has
this insurance thing
She can ask the front desk
about insurance.
-It's gonna
-Kid, she'll be okay.
So we need to prep Owens.
-Let's get charts
on Mr. Clemente. And
-Hey.
Hey!
[swallows, smacks lips]
I'm-I'm the proxy, okay?
And my friend,
she needs her test done today.
So [stammers] 'Cause I'm
the guy, so can we
Can we just get her done, okay?
Stat!
Okay.
Uh, let's give her
a bolus of midazolam,
and we'll go combination endo.
Yeah, bolus of midazolam.
Yes. Thank you.
[breathes deeply]
Holy shit.
[breathes deeply] Okay.
[door opens]
You guys are doing great stuff.
-Wow.
-I just used the word.
I was like, "Stat,"
-and then they just did
what I said.
-Damn.
I yelled at, like,
a full-grown doctor.
-[chuckles]
-Loud.
-I feel pretty crazy.
I feel different.
-[Anton chuckles]
-Yep.
-[both chuckling]
[Paul] Look at you go.
So, wait, so you got them to do
the throat scope
and the colonoscopy
at the same time?
Yeah. Yeah.
[sighs] You know,
it's whatever.
Yeah, like a [stammers]
like a spit roast.
Like, Billie will have
the tube in her mouth and then
the tube up her bottom.
No. No, it's not a spit roast.
It's It's different.
It's not that.
How's it How's it different?
-It's medicine.
It's a hospital.
-[Paul] Right.
-Totally, yeah.
-[phone dings]
Uh, what is it?
-Billie's phone.
-Oh, shit. Did her boss email?
No, no, no,
I've been refreshing. It's just
a bunch of Dunkin' rewards
and Sims 4 receipts.
You guys, she paid for
the career pack.
Do you know how sad this is?
-Ready?
-Yes, Eugene, we've been ready.
-Ready.
-Back up.
-We've been waiting for you.
Get back.
-Get set. Go!
-Wait, wait! Wait, you guys.
-Eat shit, Paul Baker!
No, this is not good.
These tires are bald.
[Issa] Mmm.
Uh, sorry,
if you could just walk around.
-Oh, thank you, dear.
-No problem.
Are you
Is this a church?
-We're a nondenominational
chapel, yes.
-[gasps]
So people can just, like,
come in here and vent to you?
-Yes. Unfortunately,
I have to go, though.
-[sighs]
I'm administering last rites.
Okay, yeah, totally. Get that.
No rush at all.
But how long
does that normally take?
Just like a ballpark?
Right. Uh, let me ask,
do you belong to a faith, dear?
Um, okay,
so I would consider myself
more spiritual, uh,
but I am afraid of
Christian hell because I did
shrooms once and I went there.
-Oh, dear.
-I know.
You know, there's one friend
who always listens.
Hi [sighs]
nondenominational God.
I guess
I just wanted to say that
I'm having, like,
the worst time
at this hospital today.
And I know that sounds cringe
'cause there are, like,
cancer kids here, but I'm
just like [inhales sharply]
[groans] My friends just
weren't taking me seriously.
They They don't trust me
with their lives.
They won't let Paul Baker
move in, even though he is
a sexually-fluid delight.
Like
[sighs]
It's like
You know what it is?
It's like they want me around
so I can fix their makeup
or flash my tits at a rave
so Samir's cousin can get in,
but they don't actually,
like, see me.
[sighs] When are they
gonna realize that
I am more than my personality?
-[sighs]
-[machine beeping]
Please, please, please,
please, please, stay with me.
-[steady beep]
-[sobs] Stay with me!
-[sobbing]
-[defibrillator beeps]
-Clear! [breathing heavily]
-[gasps, breathing heavily]
-Was that too much?
-Too much? Who? You or me?
Oh, my God. No, me?
You were perfect.
No. You were so dropped-in.
You're a great scene partner.
-Stop it.
-Thank you, Cheryl.
Good luck in court.
Full custody. [exhales sharply]
Dude, today has been so fun.
Hospitals in Canada
are never this cool.
[grunts]
Neither are hospitals here.
This is more a me thing.
This is, like,
what I bring to a space.
-Hi. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
-Hey.
-[chuckles] How are
my gays and theys?
Again, babe, I'm cis.
And again, you don't
have to decide that now.
-Okay.
-[chuckles] Look at you.
-Someone took off
her pissy pants.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah, well,
I talked to an old friend.
-Mmm.
-Okay, I'm gonna go
set up gauze ball.
-Okay, yeah, great.
-[smacks lips] Crazy thought.
-Uh-huh.
Should Paul Baker move in?
Um, yes. I say that, like,
every day. [gasps]
Yeah. Totally. Great.
-Anton.
-Yeah?
I literally say that, like,
three times a day.
No, I-I know,
and I'm now agreeing with you.
No, you're presenting it as if
you never heard it before.
Okay, well, Issa,
you say a lot of things.
So I sort of scrub through them
for words like "danger,"
"fire," "Anton."
-Does literally
no one listen when I talk?
-We are listening.
Okay, Anton,
gauze ball is ready.
[squeals, chuckles]
[Anton] Wait, do we need
anything besides gauze?
What the fuck is this day?
[stammers]
Am I in Christian hell?
I'm telling you, you just got to up in their face around here
Like, if you want to be seen,
you just make 'em see you,
you know what I mean?
You're listening, bro.
Oh, your arm.
-Samir?
-[groans]
It's like
as soon as I sit down.
This place. [grunts]
So your friend's endoscopy
is wrapping up.
Everything's fine,
So your friend's endoscopy
is wrapping up.
Everything's fine,
but the doctor wants to
make sure that the bleeding
isn't cervical in nature,
but the doctor wants to
make sure that the bleeding
isn't cervical in nature,
so your friend should schedule
another test in two months.
-Two months?
-Yes.
-Howard, Howard.
-Sir, we can't keep
having you back here!
-Howard, Howard.
-Sir, we can't keep
having you back here!
-What are we doing here? What
am I hearing about a cervix?
-Excuse me. Hi.
-What are we doing here? What
am I hearing about a cervix?
-Excuse me. Hi.
-Hi.
-Your friend is fine.
She can schedule that test
for a few months from now.
A few months from
Hey, she might not have
insurance in a few months.
That's not very stat, Howard.
Do you know
who that is in there? That's
Billie fucking Schaeffer, okay.
I'm aware of my patient's name.
[sighs] Howard. [chuckles]
Man, I don't wanna raise
my voice again.
There's
all these people around.
I don't wanna be that guy.
[smacks lips]
Your friend is gonna be okay.
Howard, run the test!
Run the test! Run the test!
-Trish?
-Trish!
-Prep the vaginoscopy.
-Prep it!
Uh-huh. Hmm.
Hey, so, uh,
all three are just
they're gonna be in there
at the same time?
-These are the tests
you ordered.
-Right, right.
And can we take
the first two out, or
No. Medically speaking,
it's best they kiss
in the middle.
What middle?
Hey
[Samir] Oh, no.
Howard, I made a mistake.
Howard, Howard, Howard.
The proxy says stop.
Hi, Bills.
-Hey, Billie.
-[Anton, Billie] Hi.
[Anton] How are you?
You look gorgeous.
Quick, Samir, film this in case
she says something good.
What? No.
I think Martin Luther King
would have liked me.
Goddamn it, Samir.
Hey, Bills,
you're all good, okay?
All the tests came back normal.
All the tests?
Yeah, there were
multiple tests.
Yeah, they said you were
just clenching, my love.
So it was just a stress thing.
Yeah, it's just a stress thing.
-[machine beeps]
-[Anton] And on the plus side,
they said you have
the tightest, cutest little
asshole they've ever seen.
So that is a win.
They see a lot of assholes,
so sit with that, seriously.
[inhales sharply]
Did work email?
Hmm? Oh.
No. Nope.
[clicks tongue] Ugh.
Nothing has come in all day.
I've been checking. [chuckles]
Samir, can I talk to you
for a second?
Just over here would be great.
-I love you.
-[chuckles] Love you.
-No, it's not. No, it's not.
-It is. It is.
-No, what's it say?
-I don't know. You look.
You're the proxy.
-You're the guy.
Come on, take it.
-What's it say?
-Read it.
-Oh. What's wrong?
No, not now, please.
"Inappropriate behavior
towards a supervisor."
"Inappropriate behavior
towards a supervisor."
-No!
-[gasps]
-No!
-[gasps]
-"Contract terminated
immediately."
-No.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
And then if I was a girl,
I was gonna be Sue Baker.
How crazy?
-Okay, who's gonna tell her?
-[gasps]
I don't know.
This is her worst nightmare.
She's gonna fucking Birdman
herself out the window.
- Birdman? I've never seen that.
-I've never seen that either.
I've never seen it either.
Anton, can you please tell her?
What? No, she chose you,
and you loved stepping up.
Just tell her quickly.
I'm delegating,
and I need you to tell her.
-Delegating?
Samir, it's time
-Anton, I am at capacity.
-No, you
-I told you I
-Capacity? She actually
-I'll do it.
I'll tell her. Because I am
a serious person who can
tell someone serious news.
Okay?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-[Issa exhales sharply]
-Great.
-[Issa exhales sharply]
-Great.
[sighs]
I hate when they have
celebrities on Sesame Street.
-Totally.
It's just not their place.
-Hi.
-Hey.
-Hi. Hi, Bills.
-Presenting my friends.
-Oh, sweetie pie.
Presenting me.
Okay, so, um, quick update.
Work did email, and you
did get fired after all.
I know. I know. [sighs]
And they are
going to regret it so hard
when you are up on stage,
the first blonde president.
Hey, but hey, listen to me.
Um, I know it sucks,
and I'm so, so sorry.
Oh.
Well, thanks for
telling me, Iss.
Um, totally. [chuckles] Always.
I love you.
I love you.
Who's the proxy now, bitch?
Wait,
I just realized something.
-[Paul] What?
-[Samir] What?
Papa Johns rhymes with "pizza."
It's a play on words.
-[gasps] Oh. She's still high.
-She's still high.
-Here you go.
Just drink that up.
-[Anton] Yeah. Yeah.
[sniffing]
-[Paul] Here.
-[groans] I smell like
a waiting room.
-[sniffs] Oh, no, I love it.
-You do?
Yeah, you smell like, uh,
Lysol and the human condition.
-[gasps] Really?
-Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
Samir.
We should let him move in.
Paul Baker?
Yeah, he's sweet in, like,
a three-legged dog kind of way.
Yeah.
I mean,
I'm done deciding stuff today.
Great, we'll say
it was Issa's idea.
Okay, let her have it.
[Anton] Mm-hmm. [laughs]
So today was not my best.
-No. You? With the ass blood?
-[sighs]
I literally sent myself
to the hospital
because of a work email.
-Yeah.
-I mean, that is mortifying.
It's not good.
I'm done. I'm unclenching.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I'm starting from scratch
with a looser, freer asshole.
I like that.
You should get T-shirts made.
Thank you. It's quite profound.
Thank you. It's quite profound.
-It's really nice.
-[chuckles]
-It's really nice.
-[chuckles]
Okay, do you want to come up?
I can carry you.
No, I'm gonna crash down here
and finish my toast.
Okay. You got this, Bills.
Yeah, who needs a job?
[chuckles]
Yeah, fuck it.
Who needs health insurance?
[scoffs] Not me.
I didn't have any anyway.
[both chuckle]
What?
What?
Yeah, I was a contractor.
You think that job would
give me health insurance?
Yeah, I was a contractor.
You think that job would
give me health insurance?
[phone beeps]
[Billie] What
Why do I have a hospital bill
for $15,000?
Why do I have a hospital bill
for $15,000?
[inhales sharply] Um
[inhales sharply] Um
They said that it was best
if they kiss in the middle.
Okay, so like