AfterMASH (1983) s01e02 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
How about this?
Vice President Nixon is over in Korea reviewing
the troops and looking at actual war footage.
I hope there's nothing we missed.
He might make us go back and do it over
again.
Here you go.
Eat hot, dear, my husband.
Ah, eggs.
Oh.
Mmm.
There's something about eating an egg that
came out of a chicken instead of a packet.
It's almost as if nature intended it that
way.
How are you happy, Max?
Like a clam.
Are clams happy?
I don't know.
Then why do you say that?
That's an expression, like, um,
life is just a bowl of cherries.
The world is my oyster.
Everything you say in this country is a
meal.
That's how we are.
It's as American as apple pie.
Max, seeing you happy almost makes me
happy.
Only almost?
Every day I grow more sick for home.
I miss my mother so much.
You poor kid.
I didn't want to bring it up until I was
really miserable.
Honey, I'm your husband.
It's my duty and privilege to share in
your misery.
She would be no trouble at all.
My mother could sleep in the kitchen.
What kitchen?
This kitchen.
If she slept in this kitchen, she'd be here.
Oh, thank you, Max.
Hold it.
There are some things to consider.
All her life, her only bed has been a dirt
floor.
I know, honey.
It would be a blessing if just once she
could sleep on linoleum.
Look, let's think about it.
Maybe there's some way we can work this
out.
You promise?
Why not?
There's always room for one more.
Oh, Max.
Of course, my mother would never leave
without my father.
That's only one more.
Wait.
And then there's my brother and my older
sister with the two boys and the twins.
You sleep in the drawers.
And no one would want to leave Grandma
behind.
We're down to the soap dish.
The rest could come later.
Honey, I love you, but there
is just no way that I, Max.
Klinger, aspiring pauper, can
bring all those people over here.
Did I mention I love you?
I'll get you lunch.
Aw, Soon-Lee, come on.
You know it's not me.
It's the money.
I know we're as poor as food.
I thought you might get tired of egg salad
sandwiches.
So today I made them without the bread.
I believe this is called holding the bag.
What is it, Doctor?
Well, his eyes look a little jaundiced.
Could be his gallbladder.
Do a bilirubin and get a set of x-rays.
When my husband and I found him collapsed on
our doorstep, we knew there was something wrong.
You were smart not to leave him there a
day or two.
Well, we're neighbors.
Ah, Doctor, just a minute.
This man came in here without any records,
right?
We won't be able to fill out a 10-P-10.
I've asked Colonel Potter to come down
here before we admit him.
I'm sure he's a veteran.
He's forever talking about having been in
World War II.
That's good enough for this American.
Ah, Doctor, rules are rules.
Rules are rules.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
What is this man doing just lying here?
Mr. D'Angelo, he has no VA identification.
Oh, I see.
No ID, no IV, right?
Mr. D'Angelo, sir, could you clear him?
I mean, you're the general of general,
general.
You could do that.
Look, I am due in seven minutes over at
the Bowling Green Grill.
I know, but The Optimist Club is
honoring me as Humanitarian of the Month.
God love them, and I really have no time
for this.
The man is in a lot of pain, sir.
And I can appreciate that pain,
but, young man, this is an institution
built to service those fine men who serve this
country so patriotically and have a card to prove it.
Respectfully, sir, not everyone carries
his discharge papers with him at all times.
Well, if I were a veteran, I would.
Where is the patient?
Who was so thoughtless as to get sick
without his right papers?
Over here, sir.
Probable biliary obstruction secondary to
gallstones.
I'd like to go in after it if I can, sir.
I've been dreaming of a good hot gall bag.
Well, if you think you've struck bile,
let's get him into OR.
Wait a minute.
The man hasn't got a 10P10.
If public opinion gets a hold of the fact
that we're admitting patients who are
ineligible, we, and by we I mean me,
will be crucified.
Sir, what if public opinion found out he
was a warrior?
We found out he was a hero and we turned
him away.
You, and by you I mean you, would be back
upon the cross, sir.
I just don't think I can take the
responsibility.
What if I take the responsibility?
Hang the regulations, admit this man,
but find his records.
I've got to run.
They serve the fruit cup, whether you're
there or not.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning, Klinger.
Good morning.
Klinger, before you do anything else, track down
the service number of a vet named Henry Smith.
The Henry Smith?
Dr. Potter, report to ward 2A.
Get some pictures on them.
If they're positive, I'll meet you in OR.
Hot dog!
Easy, doctor.
I don't want to see any drool on the
x-rays.
Hey, McGee, how you doing?
Did you get it yet, pal?
No, I'm still waiting, but when I promise
something, I come through.
Double is, I promise everybody everything.
If I don't watch out, I'm going to become
a shadow on my former shelf.
Bishop to night four.
I'm a demon with the bishops.
Rook's pawn takes bishop.
It appears another holy war has run
aground.
Morning, men.
Morning, Doctor.
Padre, it's quite a challenge you've given
yourself here.
Well, beats self-flagellation.
Care to join in?
No, I'm a bit rusty.
I haven't played since the game first came
out.
How are you coming with your
end-of-the-month report?
You must be at the I.
And T.
Crossing stage to have this much free
time.
What end-of-the-month report?
Oh.
Full VA monthly report due noon tomorrow
on the administrator's desk.
No one tells the chaplain anything.
Is it a tough one?
That chaplain didn't make it.
You boys wouldn't be so cavalier if I
still had my queen.
You best get to it, Padre.
Oh, you can't leave us now.
We've got to have the pleasure of nailing
you to the proverbial.
My grandson is a better sport,
and he eats the pieces.
The pawn takes his leave.
What are we going to do?
Figure a way out of checkmate.
Henry Smith, S-M-I-T-H.
Look, I don't want to hear it.
I've got a wife who wants to invite half
of Korea over for dinner.
I make $56.73 a week, and that's gross.
And after taxes, my net is even more
gross.
Thank you.
General Pershing Hospital.
You military folks have heard of General
Pershing, haven't you?
The army's going to hire chimps.
Why don't they train them?
Max, I wonder if you could get me a copy
of the chaplain's monthly report form.
Father, I just made a two-minute
long-distance call.
It's going to take me the rest of the day
to fill out the paperwork on.
How about if I get it?
Okay.
Top drawer.
This report might be a blessing in
disguise.
Chance for the new kid to show him his
stuff.
If you really want to dazzle him,
fold it with hospital corners.
Number of patients, number of services
performed, number of this, number of that.
Well, I saw people, not numbers.
This is nonsense.
This is the VA.
I don't know how to type.
I don't have a typewriter or a secretary, and
while we're on the subject, I don't have a window.
This will take me forever.
Klinger.
Father, for you, I would move mountains,
but today, not a molehill.
A wave of helplessness has just come over
me.
That's called bureaucrat's panic.
Put a waste basket over your head and
breathe deeply.
Sorry, McGee, no mail yet.
No, I'm just wheeling by, that's all.
Tell me again I'm your pal.
Ah, you know you are.
You can't buy that with money.
Not the money I'm making.
Look at this.
I got a 22-year-old brother who wishes he
was as big as this gallbladder.
I think you need to control the bleeding a
little better, doctor.
Sorry.
You know, back at school,
a lot of the students didn't
give a hoot about seeing
anything lower than the liver.
Not me.
For my money, I love a good romp through
the bile ducts.
Too bad he's still our unknown soldier.
Well, I believe in him.
Look at his chest.
This guy must have taken all the shrapnel
that missed Audie Murphy.
When I tell D'Angelo about this,
he'll adopt the guy.
Uh-oh, here comes the 210.
Hold his organs.
Hold his organs.
Triplicate, triplicate, triplicate.
If Moses had been summoned by the government,
he would have been given 30 commandments.
Delivery for Mrs. Klinger.
Oh, Max, you big clam.
Sign here.
You shouldn't spend money on me like this.
So we don't eat for a week.
Tip.
Oh, there's a card.
There is?
Get well, Dave.
Patient.
He didn't.
You really didn't have to bring me
anything.
I was wrong to put the burden of my family
on you.
You're a good husband and you do
everything you can.
Thanks, sweetheart.
But you can't do everything.
That's why I'm going to get the money
myself.
I'm going to get the job.
What?
Yeah.
I see signs all over town for clerks.
I'm very good with numbers.
Wait a minute.
No wife of Max Klinger is going to work.
I'll put on a dress again and do nails in
a beauty shop before my wife takes a job.
This is America.
Everyone is supposed to be free to do what
they want.
That's right.
The husband supports the wife and she
lives for free.
That's the way it's always been.
That's the way it's going to be.
You're not getting a job.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not, and that's final.
You are my husband to love and obey,
but only when you're right.
I'm going to work.
Over my dead body.
Fine, then you'll need these.
Rest in peace, Dave.
I want more bits, more bits, more bits.
For the Jefferson.
It's showtime.
George struggles to find Tom's 15 grand,
and will Florence tell all?
My husband is a Saint.
Coming up next.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021 Thank you, boys.
Thank you.
You've got to be on your toes to play that
one.
Right now, it's time to serenade your eyes
as well as your ears.
So will you please greet the lovely and
talented Doris, my daughter.
Excuse me, Gustin.
I'm preparing my monthly report,
which is due in an hour.
It's my first, and frankly, it's been a bear.
I'm not much of a typist.
I knew in high school I should have taken
some clerical training, but with the Latin
and philosophy, and of course,
Sundays were always a wash.
Father, is this going somewhere?
I've discovered a few discrepancies.
You might be one of them.
Now, you were admitted on the 12th,
but I don't remember greeting you.
Did we talk?
We talked.
Are you sure?
Sure.
I missed dinner, I'm sure.
Fine, fine.
Well, uh, enjoy the show.
She's got quite a bright future,
don't you think?
Cabs are a little thick, but I could see
her on toast to the town.
Well, you're wrong.
The guy's covered with shrapnel wounds.
Of course he was in the war.
What do you think, he checked into a motel
with a bear?
Hello?
Hello?
The army continues to travel on its
turrets.
What's the matter, son?
Dead ends usually bring out the best in
you.
Well, this time I failed.
I'm a failure, okay?
Everything I do stinks.
Have a cookie.
Sir?
Peacetime equivalent of hooch.
These are Mildred's Raisin Fudge Ginger
Snaps.
The woman always cooks.
Cooked to a different drummer.
What's eating you?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the whole thing is a mistake.
Soon-Lee and me.
You knew it wasn't gonna be easy.
Just not easy would have been great.
Coming home has been nothing but trouble.
I'm working for peanuts, living in a shoebox,
and now she wants to bring her entire family over.
How are we gonna pay for this?
She's gonna get a job.
My wife, working for a living.
Klinger women cook the meals, scrub the floors,
do the laundry, make the beds, and beat the rugs.
But they don't work.
Maybe I should just call the whole thing
off.
Son, Missouri is famous for mules,
but you are the poster boy.
What?
All the hell you've been through, and still
you can't see the good you've done yourself?
You're gonna throw it away just cause
she's got a mind of her own?
I'll tell you a little secret.
They all do.
If I'd have quit on Mildred the first time we
had a spat, I'd have spent the last 40 years solo.
Max, you try keeping the
Murphy bed down all by your
lonesome, you're gonna find
yourself up against the wall.
Mail, Mr. Klinger, from St. Louis.
I brought it down personally to make sure
you got it.
Thanks, Bonnie.
At least I can make somebody happy today.
Oh, I'm sure you can make anyone happy
that you remind to.
Are those cookies?
Here, make a basket with your skirt.
Uh-uh.
A gal's gotta stay slim and supple.
Mr. Klinger, Colonel, Mr.
Klinger, son, no matter what
you do, that's not the answer.
The grass is always greener on the other
pair of legs.
Don't worry, sir.
If there's one thing I am, it's faithful.
Although I would like to see you in one of
those little convalescent robes.
I know the one you mean.
Colonel!
Good.
I've got a few minutes before I turn in my
report.
Could you look at it to make sure
everything is completely kosher?
I'm sure you did a fine job.
Even if you did put a sheet of carbon in
backwards and copy three is on the back of copy two.
Oh, criminy!
I'll never finish it in time now.
I deserve to be back in Philadelphia
cleaning the crayon mustaches off the saints.
Have a cookie.
You can fix this.
You see, by ironing this sheet,
I can transfer the imprint from the back
of this page to the front of this other
page.
Quite ingenious, don't you think?
Well, three sheets to the wind.
You boys don't laugh a lot down here,
do you?
Testing, one, two, three, how high the
moon, et cetera.
To Spiegel Catalog, Chicago 9, Illinois.
Gentlemen, I recently received a
testimonial watch, the Boulevard.
Ambassador, page 217 in your sparkling
catalog.
Since I have already received two of
these
watches previously, might I exchange
two of them unused for your new high-pop
automatic toaster with the completely
silent thermostatic action, page 333?
I look forward to a favorable reply,
and if I, as Chief Administrator of the.
General Pershing Hospital, VA in River
Bend, Missouri, a town which literally
exists on mail order, to be of any service
to you, please let me know.
Sign me what I am where I am.
Mr. D., excuse me.
Excuse me.
This needs your signature.
What am I looking at?
Expense voucher for your weekend in St.
Louis.
St. Louis.
What a town.
When they found that town, they threw away
the name.
Oh.
Well, I have you.
Father Mulcahy is outside.
Father Mulcahy?
Our new priest.
Oh, yeah, the Catholic.
What do you think of him?
A little holier than thou, but certainly
roll over able.
A real footstool, huh?
Good.
The one I can't stomach is that other
fellow Dr. Potter brought in.
Mr. Klinger?
He doesn't fool me with his manners.
Always smiles, always well-behaved,
friendly.
Just the kind of person who can't be
trusted.
What is this dinner you've included here?
Two doctors, recruitment, trust me.
Oh, yeah, they were a tough sell.
Tough sell.
Mr. D'Angelo?
Welcome, Father.
It's not often I have a caller, caller.
Good one.
I just wanted to bring you my first
monthly report and explain why it's late.
I hope the press is.
I did my doggondest, but as I was unaware of this
duty, there's some areas here which are approximated.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Father.
Nobody's going to read this anyhow.
You say what?
Nobody reads them.
They go straight from here
to the central office and then
way deep down deep into
some government file somewhere.
No.
Of course, it's important to get them in
on time.
We don't like to keep Washington waiting.
No one reads them?
No one at all?
The government can't be expected to read
every report it insists on.
I work day and night on this.
I had only a few hours sleep in the
chapel.
I'm one of those peewee pews.
Well, Father, I know you're a busy man and
have a lot to catch up on, so I won't let you keep me.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
I want someone to read this.
I'll find someone.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
You're all wrong about that fellow, Alma.
He's a fanatic.
Wow, I still don't believe it.
Mr. Cardinal, Red Shane Dean.
That's his autograph.
Guaranteed.
No one else can spell his name.
I've been a St. Louis fan since I was that
high.
Here's something, Klinger.
You really came through.
Hey, pal.
When it's all said and done,
it just comes down to us guys
who are over there taking
care of each other over here.
Soon-Lee, what are you doing here?
You left this morning without your lunch.
I brought it to you because that's my job.
Soon-Lee.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
All I'm supposed to do.
You're really an operator, Klinger.
You even got a little gook waiting on your
hand and foot.
Boy, are they touchy.
What's the big deal?
That's my wife, you you
How was I supposed to know?
Who the hell cares?
You think she don't belong here?
You think she's different?
Do you realize what that kid has been
through?
Did you give up your country, your family,
your home, everything to marry some schmo
who has nothing to his name but the
discharge papers it's written on?
Then she has to listen to your kind of
crapola.
Easy, Mr. Smith.
You're in the old VA hospital.
General Pershing.
You can trust your scar to the man who
wears the star.
You're going to be fine, but
when I was in removing your
gallbladder, your pancreas
looked a little inflamed and swollen.
That was probably in response to the
cholangitis which resulted from your
initial gallstone impaction in the
am pull a.
Easy, doctor.
Oh, yeah, well, thanks for the experience.
The thing is, you came in without any paperwork, and
we haven't been able to track down your service record.
You know the army.
Oh, yes, I So, uh,
what unit were you in?
Third.
The third?
Oh, you served under Patton, huh?
No.
Von Schliemann.
Field Marshal von Schliemann?
Not a bad joke when you get to know him.
I admitted a Nazi.
Not a Nazi.
A Bavarian citizen who served his country.
I meant it up to my neck, aren't I, sir?
Only to my neck.
Only because I meant it underneath you,
holding you up.
How'd you ever land in Missouri?
I was taken prisoner in 45 and brought to
Louisville, Kentucky.
When the war was over, I stayed,
learned the language.
Changed my name, Heinrich Schmidt,
to German, huh?
All right.
Where's my war hero?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You lads keep me humble.
There's our man.
Henry.
I'm Mike D'Angelo.
The administrator.
Sorry about the little snafu, but you've got my personal
assurance we'll get this thing cleared up pronto.
I said it as early as 1942.
America is a wonderful country.
So, where'd you serve?
What battles were you in?
Monte Cassino, Normandy, Bastogne.
Bastogne.
That sure looked bad for a while, but
we really ripped the krauts on that one.
Nuts for those heinies, huh?
Get a picture of me and Hank.
With your record.
This shot'll make St. Louis.
Maybe even Washington.
Sir, Mr. D'Angelo Never mind, doctor.
A picture is worth a thousand
explanations.
Say cheese.
Cheese.
Casa.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Mother, I am writing to you on what is
called a postcard.
On the back is the home of Mark Twain,
a famous American.
Like all famous Americans, he had a big
house that no one lives in.
I miss you very much, but I have a husband
who is so kind, and the love I have for
him almost makes up for the loneliness I
have for you.
We have talked about bringing all of you
to us.
It will not be easy, but soon we'll be together in this
wonderful country where even the clams are happy.
Premiering Wednesday.
Now stay tuned.
Can George and his friend calm the cons
when Tom gets taken for $15,000?
On The Jeffersons, next.