Alice and Steve (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

[colleague] So, the bears tested great
with the under sixes,
but not so well with the,
uh, eight to 12s.
So, we're gonna go
with a tangerine elastic,
and the peach sorbet base.
-[sighs]
-[phone buzzes]
Sorry.
And we were thinking a lime green elastic
to match the avocado.
That looks like a vagina.
It's an avocado.
I don't think anyone's ever confused
an avocado with a vagina.
No, it's just a hole
between two curved lips.
Moving on.
So, we're gonna do two versions of this,
one with streamers, one without.
"Party Time". Party Time?
S-Sorry, are you joking?
Have a party in my pants?
"Oh, hello. I'm-I'm-I'm six,
but if you'd like to party
in my pants, that's fine."
Why do we even bother making pants?
You know, they could just hang
upside down on the monkey bars
with their hoo-has hanging out.
Do you need a second, Alice?
Nope, I'm good.
And if we do go with the bears,
we might go a bit lighter
on the bear fur though.
Even a hot pink.
People felt this was a bit too brown.
I'll be right back. Sorry, just…
[phone ringing]
Hi, Al. I'm so sorry.
You are a piggy-eyed,
big-nosed, ugly fucking paedo loser,
and I hope you fall out of
your fucking window
and get pierced in the heart
by your railing,
and that no one comes to your funeral.
[line disconnects]
Which one of these says,
"Sorry I had sex with your daughter"?
Yeah, maybe you should
just write a letter.
-A letter?
-Yeah.
Oh, God, there's a lot of space
to fill with a letter.
You could use bubble writing?
[sighs] We're terrible people.
No. No, I'm a terrible person.
But it's not like I'm 16.
-I'm 26.
-Half my age.
I've had tons of sex already.
-Well… [chuckles]
-That sounds really bad.
I've not had like… Not…
I've not had like
an insane amount of sex, I've just…
I, um… I've had a… [inhales sharply]
…regular amount of sex.
I will be sure
to mention that in the letter.
[laughs]
[grunts]
There's some food left over
if you want some.
I already ate. Thanks.
Okay. [sighs]
I know what I did was bad,
and I'm so sorry,
but can we at least talk about it?
I'm just waiting
till I'm a little less angry.
Um… [clears throat] …this is from Steve
for you.
Oh.
He was your best friend
till a few weeks ago.
Daniel is ten years younger than you,
so it's not that different.
Um, I'm just going to…
[Daniel] Where are you…
Okay.
Look, Mum, I know you're angry,
and you have every right to be.
And if you hate it, we'll stop. We will.
But we really like each other. Genuinely.
And you're my favourite
person in the world,
so can you just…
can you just forgive me, please, Mum?
Okay.
Okay.
Goodnight.
I want to push her tiny hand
into the disposal unit.
Can I maim her?
No.
You know, if I tell them
they can't see each other,
she'll… she'll revel in…
in the drama, don't you?
[stammers] It'll be like Romeo and Juliet.
"Oh, oh, oh, alas, if only…
if only we could have been together,
it would have been the greatest
love story ever known to man"--
I'm so sorry.
I blame her father.
Stupid dog shit weasel of a man.
He didn't know the difference
between right or wrong either.
I'm not sure you can blame
a man you only had sex with twice.
-What do you think they even talk about?
-[grunts] I have no idea.
I mean, can… can you imagine her
going for dinner in Richmond,
and going to bed at 9:45?
Or him going to parties,
and hanging out with Tray and Zuli?
Izzy, can I come in?
Um… [sighs]
You're right.
Uh, we-we-we can't just ignore this.
It's happening, um,
so we… we might as well…
[inhales sharply] …accept it.
Really?
Yep.
Mum, thank you.
That's really generous of you.
And in the spirit of generosity,
I think you should invite him for dinner.
What?
What, it's not too soon?
No. I think we should
rip the Band-Aid off,
just normalise it as quickly as possible.
And you should invite
some of your friends too.
It'll make it less uncomfortable.
[door closes]
[flute playing "The Muppet Show Theme"]
Good, Vivek. Confident fingering.
[humming]
[phone chimes]
[phone chimes]
[phone chimes]
Oh, sor… um, s-sorry.
I just need to make a phone call.
[clears throat] Hey.
Everything okay?
I'm actually just in a lesson.
[Alice] I'm buying food for tonight.
What do you feed a man
who's fucked your daughter?
Yeah, um,
-I'll make a lasagna, or something.
-Okay. Yep. Yeah.
All right, gotta go. Okay, bye.
Sorry about that.
Um… [clears throat] …okay, let's go again.
Great. Great.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hey, I was just wondering
whether you wanted to come
on the Antwerp orchestra trip?
Ms Garstang can't come
because of her fibroids.
Uh, sorry, I don't… I don't do trips.
[teacher] Why not?
Should we talk about this another time?
Oh, Vivek doesn't care. Do you, Vivek?
I'm… I'm the main, uh,
caregiver at home, so…
Well, so? It's two nights.
Can she not manage two nights?
She works.
You work.
Uh, she's the-the main breadwinner, so…
So, does she make you sleep in a dungeon,
chained to the wall
with a ball gag in your mouth as well?
Okay, well, hmm.
Um, if you change your mind, let me know.
-It's time to… [vocalises]
-Okay.
[door closes]
Right, uh, let's-let's-let's go again.
[breathes heavily]
It's gonna be fine.
Exactly. Perfectly normal
to date your mum's best friend.
[friends chuckle]
[knocking on window]
[relative] Hello.
Is he here yet?
No, not yet, Mum.
Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Janice.
-It's Janis, and I'm glad he's gone.
-Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[Izzy] Thanks, Granny. Nice to see you.
[phone chimes]
Oh, it's Steve.
-I'm gonna go pick him up.
-[stutters] He knows his way here.
He's been here a thousand times.
Yeah, I know,
I'd just like to pick him up, that's all.
Isn't this all terribly exciting!
You do realise this is probably a trap?
Or she could be trying to work it out?
Yeah. Yeah.
No, you're right.
This is definitely a trap.
Yeah.
Do you think Daniel's gonna punch me?
[scoffs] Right.
As if Daniel would ever punch anyone.
[chuckles]
Maybe we can show her
that this is a good thing.
I like her best friend.
And how nice that she already really,
really loves the guy I'm dating.
Hmm. Yeah.
Okay.
You nervous?
Yeah. Terrified.
[Izzy] Okay. [inhales sharply]
[door opens]
[door closes]
God, he is so old.
He looks like my dad.
-Hiya.
-Darling!
Does that mean that
I'm in with a chance too?
You could do all three generations.
[chuckles] How wonderfully French of you.
Lovely to see you again, Val.
Oh, off to the loo. [coughs]
I'm so, so sorry.
Hmm, that's…
so thoughtful.
Why don't you go and join the kids?
[inhales sharply]
I don't want you to think
that I don't know how bad this is.
Hmm.
[sighs] I'll do whatever it takes
to get us back to us.
There's wine in the fridge.
Do you want some?
No, thank you.
-Uh, Iz, uh…
-Hmm?
[Steve] D-Do you want some wine?
Yes, please.
Hiya! I'm Steve.
-Uh, Zuli, Tray, and Nelson.
-Hi.
Nelson. Ah, cool.
[mutters] Just fisting each other.
Fist bumping. Fist bumping.
How do you guys know each other?
School.
School.
Cool. Cool.
-[dishes clatter]
-[Alice] Dinner!
Right. Steve, why don't you sit
at the top of the table with, um,
Tray and Zuli?
Uh, then Nelson,
you go on Tray's other side.
Um, Daniel will go on Zuli's.
-Mum, you-you go next to Nelson.
-[Val] Yes? Lovely.
Um, Izzy, you're next to Dan.
And then Dom and Rome,
you're at the end here with me.
-[Val] Nelson.
-[Rome] Oh. That's really nice.
-Ooh, lovely.
-Hi.
So, does this mean
that you two are an item?
[clears throat] No, Mum.
Sorry.
Older people seem to be
really interested in defining things.
When you're young,
you realise that life is fluid,
and defining something only limits it.
-[Alice] Mmm.
-[Izzy] Mmm.
-So sweet.
-[Tray] Nice.
[chattering, laughing]
So, Tray, haven't you just graduated
from medical school?
-Hmm, yeah.
-Ugh, what-what was your speciality?
Um, surgery.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
Surgery. Oh, gosh, well, that's-that's…
[exhales] It's very impressive.
-Thank you.
-Are you seeing anyone?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I am.
She's a junior doctor,
so it means we only get
about 15 minutes together a week.
But it's so lovely that, um,
you'll be in the same profession.
It's such a lot of common ground.
[Tray] Yeah. Yeah, no, it's really nice.
Steve, what did you study at university?
I didn't go to uni.
Actually, I, um, had already
gotten into the whole hair thing.
Yeah, and it's so much
better to have a trade.
Like, I don't see why
anyone still goes to uni.
There are probably more psychologists
than there are patients.
So, um, yeah I wish I had a proper…
proper technical skill.
How did you get into hairdressing?
-Hair styling.
-[laughing] Oh, my God…
Mmm…
[clears throat] My mum
gave me a terrible haircut.
I was meant to be going on my first date.
And she literally did the bowl thing.
You know, put a bowl on my head,
and then traced around
the shape of the bowl,
but she misjudged the size of the bowl.
-[guests laughing]
-[Steve] Too small a bowl,
and, uh, I ended up
looking like a medieval monk.
Not a hot monk, just… just a monk.
I had to fix it or be shamed forever.
But after that, um, all the other boys
wanted the Steve haircut.
[laughing]
Steve's father, oh,
he hates that he cuts hair.
He thinks it's gay.
Mum, you can't say that.
-Sorry, Steve.
-No o… No offence.
What? No. No, it's true.
Look, I-I-I met his dad…
Well, tons of times 'cause, you know…
'cause of when we were
going out with each other.
He was an utter dick.
No, Steve hated him too. Didn't you?
God, he was always
so worried about his mum.
I mean, that's why he never got married.
-Mum. Christ.
-What?
He did get married. To Nancy. Remember?
No, but I meant successfully.
Christ, you know,
I've forgotten to get… get any dessert.
-I'll be right back.
-I'll help you.
-[Alice] Oh, hang on. No.
-[Steve] Uh, I'd like to help.
You haven't finished
your first course yet.
-[Daniel] It's okay if you don't want to.
-[Steve] I'll help.
I'm really sorry
about all of this, Daniel.
I really like her though.
I like her very much.
Which one?
Izzy.
Could get the, uh,
multipack of Mini Magnums.
Yeah. So, you've got more choice.
How long have you liked her?
It just happened.
You weren't thinking about her when
we went to holiday in Portugal
and all those Christmases in Norfolk?
-God, no. No.
-Okay.
Never.
Okay.
These and, uh, these.
Hello. [chuckles]
[clears throat]
[cashier] It's 23.75.
-[phone chimes]
-[scanner beeps]
[guests chattering]
I think it's beautiful.
Speaking of.
[Val] Aw…
[laughing] You went…
You really went, "Boom."
I said, "Oh, that was interesting
and then you thought…" [mutters]
-Hi.
-[friends] Hi.
Hi, Izzy.
-Your granny likes a drink.
-Yeah.
He's great. Isn't he?
-What do you think? Do you like him?
-Yeah.
Yeah. He's really nice.
Well, he's probably
just a bit nervous, really, isn't he?
-Yeah.
-You would be nervous
if you'd fucked your girlfriend's mum.
[laughs] Shut up.
[Nelson] Sorry.
[Zuli sniffles] Mm-hmm.
[Val] Don't be too upset, darling.
It's what men have done
since the beginning of time.
Your father was the same.
Why can't you just be sympathetic?
Why do you always have to make a joke?
It's not a joke, Mum.
She's not some random young woman.
She's my daughter.
And Steve's not your husband.
He's your ex-boyfriend who's probably
been in love with you for ages.
And Izzy's the closest thing he can get.
And a younger model.
I mean, if… if anything,
it's a compliment, darling.
It's not a compliment. It's disgusting.
[door opens]
Male desire can be very blinding.
Ooh, goody. Magnums.
Mmm. [hiccups]
Let's play Trivial Pursuit.
Mmm. Um, I might sit this one out.
Aw.
I'm terrible at Trivial Pursuit.
I can never remember anything.
Can't forget things you never knew.
[Steve sighs]
Let's play in pairs.
"Geography or history"?
You choose.
History.
"In what year in England, in the 1970s,
were the lights turned off?"
[sighs] I can never get
these English ones.
Uh, I wanna say '74?
'74.
'72. Uh, it was because of
the miners' strike.
Mmm. It's so unbelievable that
you all just used coal all the time.
It's like, how did people not know?
[chuckles] Steve doesn't
believe in recycling.
What?
How do you not believe in recycling?
No, I do. I… I believe in recycling.
You always said it costs
more money to recycle than to not.
No. No, no, no, no.
I think recycling's very cool.
Uh, I-I…
What I may have said, at one time,
was that sometimes
it feels a little redundant
when China's not doing anything.
-Oof.
-That's a bit racist.
-No, no. He didn't mean it like that.
-I just meant because…
-You know?
-Whose… Whose turn is it now?
-Whose turn? Someone's turn?
-Oh, it's ours.
Is it… Is it racist? Is it ra…
Right. Entertainment.
Don't think it was racist. Um…
"What Oscar upset
shocked the world in 2017?"
Um, uh, first female…
-Mmm.
-Uh, first female director?
[Rome] They announced the wrong film.
La La Land thought they'd got it,
but it was actually Moonlight.
Oh. Moonlight's a classic.
-Mmm. Can it be a classic yet?
-[chuckles]
-[Tray] I loved that film.
-[Zuli] So good.
Steve walked out,
said it felt like a student film.
I did not walk out. I loved Moonlight.
I was crying--
Steve's favourite film is, um…
Oh, what is it? Husbands and Wives.
He loves Woody Allen.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
[scoffs] What?
Steve thinks he's innocent.
H-Ho-Hold on. Wh-Whoa. No.
No. I never said that. I never said that.
I said that we can't know for sure if he's
guilty. That's a diff… That's different.
You never know what's going on
in people's personal lives.
And the press can distort stories…
so that's all I said.
It's your turn. It's your turn now.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
[Rome] "Science and nature."
-[Daniel] Yeah.
-How can you love Woody Allen?
Well, his films are great, you know?
Annie Hall, uh, and Husbands and Wives--
No, never seen any of them.
You guys must have seen Woody Allen films?
-No.
-Fuck no.
Disgusting.
Okay. Okay, I just want to be clear.
Um, I have worked with some celebrities
and I've seen first-hand
how the press can distort a story.
Like what?
Well, I'm not going to bring any up
but, uh, I see it all the time.
[chuckles] No.
Come on, give us an example.
Okay.
If I tell you this, you may never,
ever, ever, repeat it.
Because Celia Mills is
the nicest person I've ever met.
She's an inspiring woman--
[stammers] Who's Celia Mills?
Oh, she's the… You know the villain
in the James Bond film?
-The one with the metal arm--
-She was in the Spike Jonze video.
She was dancing at the petrol station.
[Steve] You'd recognise her.
You'd recognise her.
So, a while back
there was this thing in the press
where Celia didn't stand
when Cate Blanchett won the BAFTA
and they all said it was jealousy.
Yeah.
It wasn't jealousy.
I could tell something
was wrong immediately.
The camera was close on her face
because she was also a nominee.
Her… Her face was sort of
contorted into this twisted smile, like…
[chuckles] She wasn't jealous.
She'd shat herself.
[guests laughing]
She'd eaten a dodgy
prawn mousse at the nominees lunch.
-I rushed in with a towel, covered her up.
-Oh.
We-We-We made out
like she'd torn her dress.
It was… It was a mess. It was a mess.
She was mortified. I…
I was the only person who knew.
I've never told anyone this.
Wait, wait, who else do you do?
I've done, uh, Aimee of Sex Education.
Dua Lipa, Jessie J, Charli xcx,
anyone with letters as a name.
But cutting someone's hair is…
it's a really intimate thing, you know?
Hence, I feel like they've given me their
trust and what I try to give them back…
is just the confidence in themselves to…
to get out there
and do what they dreamed of doing.
Uh, you know, it's not just, um…
It's not just celebrities.
It's the same for the…
for the homeless people
who I help out on the weekends
with-with the grooming stuff.
Um, if I can give someone
just a little bit of self-confidence…
A little bit of self-respect
that the world is constantly trying
to take from them…
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry, I just have to
borrow Steve for a moment.
Um, won't be long
so just carry on without us.
-They loved you. I knew they would.
-[sighs]
-Come on.
-Uh, where are we going?
No, we have to go… We have to go down.
We have to go back down.
Sorry, because you're so attractive,
it is a medical imperative
that I kiss you, right now.
We should go back down.
Your mum will be going out of her mind.
She can wait. She's just spent
the whole evening belittling you.
I think it's only fair
that we torture her a little bit.
[Daniel] "In Egyptian hieroglyphs,
the symbol of the decorated eye most
commonly depicts the eye of which god?"
Um, Horus. Son of Osiris and Isis.
That's absolutely correct.
[Dom] You know everything.
[Rome] I know. I do.
[Dom] What number am I thinking of?
[Rome] Seven.
[Daniel] Here we go.
"Edison's electric pen became the
inspiration for which modern day tool?"
[Rome] The tattoo gun.
-Yeah.
-[chuckles]
Sorry, um, are you both
completely fucking stupid?
So, um, you-you-you
honestly think… [sniffles]
…it's okay to go… to go upstairs… [sighs]
-…and have sex in-in my house?
-Mum.
-We-We didn't.
-She's only sleeping with you
'cause she got dumped two minutes ago.
She clearly has some weird daddy complex
about her absent father.
-[stammers]
-He's only sleeping with you…
[blows] …because he's a sad old man.
And you probably remind him of me.
-Which is…
-Oh, fuck it.
Wow.
[exhales deeply]
[sighs] Wow, that's really lovely, Mum.
Thanks.
So, there's nothing he likes about me?
[scoffs, chuckles]
Okay. Let's go.
Let's just… Yeah. [breathes shakily]
He's not… He's not even good at sex.
-Let's not… Let's just… Yeah, but…
-That's why I broke up with him.
Because he was shit in bed.
He's amazing at sex.
I love having sex with him.
-Let's… Let's all calm down.
-Phew. Daniel to the rescue.
Oh, why didn't I think of that?
What we need to do
is not say or do anything at all.
-Oh, that's perfect.
-Mum, stop.
-Everyone's upset and-and…
-[Alice chuckles]
Oh, you fucking… [chuckles]
…coward, Daniel.
Why aren't you saying anything?
Oh, what? Uh, because she's not
your kid she doesn't count?
You are such a bitch. [breathes shakily]
Uh, thank you for having us.
[Tray] Yeah, thank you so much.
[Rome] I think I'm gonna go as well.
Yeah. I'll-I'll… I'll walk you.
Don't, I'm fine. You stay.
Thanks, Mum.
That was really great.
[inhales] Well…
[blows]
[snoring]
[sniffling]
That was incredibly mean.
You know, sometimes, Alice,
your impulsivity is so selfish.
It's… It's like you don't realise the rest
of us are making any effort at all.
[Daniel inhales shakily]
I've been invited to go
on a school trip to Antwerp.
I think I'm going to go.
-[snoring continues]
-[sighs]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[sniffles]
[line rings]
[person] Hi, Alice.
Hi, Jane.
Sorry to call so late.
Um, I just… I just wondered
are you still working on the news desk?
I've got a celebrity story for you.
["War" playing]
-War, huh ♪
-Yeah ♪
What is it good for? ♪
-Absolutely ♪
-Nothing ♪
Oh ♪
-War, huh ♪
-Yeah ♪
What is it good for? ♪
-Absolutely ♪
-Nothing ♪
Say it again, y'all ♪
War, huh ♪
Look out ♪
What is it good for? ♪
-Absolutely ♪
-Nothing ♪
Listen to me
Oh, war ♪
I despise ♪
'Cause it means destruction
Of innocent lives ♪