Ann Droid (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
LOUD SCREAM
TV: "This week, the contestants
have to prove why"
"they should become Lord Sugar's
business partner."
Her eyes are terrifying.
She scared the shit out of me this
morning,
but she's completely fixed my neck.
It was the perfect opportunity to
correct your C7 nerve compression.
I thought you were going to kill me.
I'd never kill you, Sue.
Aw.
You should have told me
you were coming round
because I'd have got some food in.
We just wanted to say hi,
and see how things
were going with Linda.
And also
it's kind of a big day.
Renee is I'm being awarded
my brown belt in BJJ!
Congratulations, Renee!
It's a really big deal.
It means I can start coaching
students.
And, you know, Chris even said that
I can instruct without him there.
A-Are you still training with Chris?
I can't stop him
teaching in the gym.
What am I meant to do?
Change instructors?
Wow. That's pretty controlling.
In case you're lost, Linda,
Chris is the instructor Renee
was having an affair with.
Oh, dear, poor Michael.
How humiliating.
I-I-I'm fine.
Where is Chris now?
I don't know. He's probably
with his family.
With his mother and father?
No. With his wife and kids.
Was it just a fling for Chris?
A bit of how's your father, a knee
trembler, a bit on the side
J-J-Just shut up, Linda.
We've dealt with all of this.
My family are coming to see me
get awarded my new belt
and we're all going to go
for dinner afterwards.
Can you come, too?
I can't today, sorry.
Why, Sue?
Because we're busy.
What are we doing today, Sue?
We don't do anything.
Tomorrow, nothing.
Thursday, nothing.
Friday, nothing.
We're definitely doing something.
Don't worry. It's fine.
I just wanted the whole family there
because it's taken me
three years to achieve this.
Perhaps a joke would lighten
the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout
and a showgirl
are on a crashing plane
Do you know what?
W-We should actually be going.
I've got a client at nine.
Good to see you again, Sue.
Likewise.
I know you don't really like Renee,
but pretending you're busy
I'm not pretending.
Oh, come on. Busy doing what?
You don't even have a job.
You've NEVER had a job!
My job was raising you
and caring for your father.
Renee's whole family
is going to be there.
I just wanted you there, too.
Because a brown belt
represents dedication,
mastery of technique
and true leadership.
Because a brown belt represents
Dedication dedication
mastery of technique
and true leadership.
Yeah?
Fancy thinking I don't do anything!
What are we doing now, Sue?
Don't know.
Might buy some sausages.
All because I never had a job.
My family was my job and I did it
very well, thank you very much!
I'm not useless!
Hey, Eileen, are you OK?
Tom's got food poisoning.
He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,
stupid berk. Thought
they were vegetable crisps.
Oh, is he OK? Yeah,
he's just thick as shit.
He was supposed to work today
so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's
birthday party.
Your aunt? Yeah. She's 108.
I'm cancelling this taxi.
She'll be so disappointed.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was something
I could do.
Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.
LAUGHS
I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.
It's a charity shop,
not the World Cup.
Have you ever worked in a shop?
Well, I've seen you do it
1,000 times.
Tom can do it, and
you just said he's as thick as shit.
And I've got Linda.
Yes.
Sue, it will be like the shop
challenge on The Apprentice.
I can do this.
And if it works out, then I can
come and help you in the shop.
The lock can be a bit dicky.
Oh, and there's a shelves
delivery at midday.
All you've got to do is
be in the shop, really.
OK.
You're not going in one of those
driver less things are you?
Course not. They're deathtraps.
HORN TOOTS BRAKES SQUEAL
All right, Eileen? Yeah!
Hi, Sue!
Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were
still a
I mean, I thought you'd retired.
Retire? No, not me.
Oh, good for you.
Bloody good show, I say.
Eileen, for God's sake,
wear your seat belt.
Relax. Brian's been driving me
around in this shit heap
for nearly 40 years.
And I've only been
sober for the last five.
EILEEN LAUGHS See you, love.
CREAKING
Linda, I haven't had a job
since before Michael was born.
Do you think that'll be a problem?
Yes.
Great.
FALTERING GUITAR RIFF
RIFF STARTS AGAIN
DOOR OPENS Hi.
Are you angry?
No. No, I'm not angry.
Why can't you train
with another instructor?
Professor.
Because Chris is brilliant.
He came third in the Wessex Open.
What, is that a big competition?
It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.
I know you've got a lot of
trust issues, but so do I.
If anything, you pushed me
into cheating
by spending so much time away.
I was with my mum
because my dad just died!
We can spend all day
trying to figure out who did what.
You had an affair.
And I ended it.
Because I love you.
If anything, my affair was
the best thing I ever did for us.
Oh, t
T-Take that down.
I'm a personal trainer, OK?
BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.
More people come to class,
more clients for me.
Chris is actually a really
sweet guy.
A really sweet guy? After you two
PLAYING STOPS
PLAYING CONTINUES
PHONE CLICKS
MOBILE ALER
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
That's really vulgar.
Still coming to my presentation?
I-I don't know.
I'm just really busy today.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared of that knobhead!
Please don't tell him I said that.
Shit, you're going to
tell him I said that.
D-Do you know what? I don't care if
you tell him.
Please don't tell him.
I've got to go.
I really want you there.
PLAYING STOPS
Can I try the Gibson?
Oh, what?
The vintage Gibson Super 400?
Do you have £13,000?
SCOFFS No. Then, no.
UNDER BREATH: Loser. Dickhead!
DISCORDANT STRUMMING
This job is a piece of piss.
I don't know why Eileen was
acting like it was some big deal.
There are many, many
copies of this man's books.
And technically he's a giant.
Help me with this, will you?
We're clearing out the loft.
Madelaine's pregnant! We're going
to be grandparents, again,
so you know what that means.
It means that,
when Madelaine was ovulating,
a male sexual partner
ejaculated inside her vagina.
It means more sleepovers!
Oh, yes, that makes sense. Ah, yes.
Oh! What kind of fur is this?
Now that is real silk monkey.
I'm only giving it away
because Madelaine says it makes me
look like a lady of the night.
I think Linda might look
lovely in it.
Let's see.
Hmm. The monkey pelt matches my wig.
HE LAUGHS
She is wonderful, isn't she?
You can't buy those now you know -
they've been hunted to extinction.
Oh.
Sue, stand back.
There is a live firearm.
HE LAUGHS Stick 'em up!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
No, that's from
when Jeffery used to smoke.
It's a cigarette lighter.
It is a joke.
Beautiful and funny. A real rarity.
Right then. Come on, Jeffery.
Thank you for the donations.
Oh! What, you're working here?
Yes, I am. Aw!
Well, I think it's terrific
that you're trying to learn
a new skill - at your age.
We're the same age.
Good job you've got your
little robot friend to help you!
Everything I touch turns to sold.
Jeffery!
Why does everybody think
I can't do this?
Nobody ever comes in this shop.
I'm not surprised.
Linda, come and help me.
Penny did it.
Michael.
GRUNTS AND STRAINS
Michael? Michael!
Hmm? Oh, sorry I can't help with the
amps.
I've pinched a nerve in my G8.
Look, I just want to give you a
heads up - I'm reducing your shifts.
Why? Well, when you left
I-I didn't leave.
I had a full nervous breakdown
when my marriage fell apart.
Yeah, you made that very clear.
Anyway, I-I'm making some changes.
There's a new employee
starting next week.
Mark, Mark. I really
appreciate you taking me back.
It's the least I could do
after you threatened me
with legal action
under the Mental Health Act.
Yeah, true.
Well, it will not happen again.
Me and Renee, we're in
a really good place now.
Gosh, that's wonderful,
I'm really rooting for you guys.
I'm going to move the rest of the
amplifiers. Mark, Mark.
I know it's a big ask, but, um,
could I finish early today?
I don't know. If you go,
who's going to stare at the bin?
FORCED LAUGH
Does that mean I can?
Sure. You're the best.
Can I go NOW?
Honestly, it makes very little
difference
whether you're here or not.
WHISPERS: Thank you so much.
Thanks, Mark!
DING
Our first customer.
I suppose
I should go and speak to them.
Yes, Sue, you should speak to them.
Why am I so nervous?
It's not difficult.
According to Lord Sugar's
autobiography,
the best way to meet people
is to smile and ask a question.
Right.
Hello.
How much do you weigh?
What?!
She means Do you enjoy
the music of Tina Turner?
Yes, I do, actually.
How much is this bag?
Let me check that for you.
Er shall we say £10?
£10! It's a deal!
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
I'll give you seven.
Eight.
Eight. Yes!
Thank you! LAUGHS.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Oh! That was intense.
I thought to myself, "She is
definitely going to bid seven."
So I thought, "OK, Sue, don't blink"
"and keep your head on a swivel!"
Oh
Thank you.
Enjoy your bag.
Thank you. Bye.
Linda, here's our next customer!
Oh, the delivery's here.
You look after this lovely lady,
give her everything she needs,
and I'll be back in a minute.
Hello.
Do you enjoy
the films of Guy Ritchie?
Y-Yes. Yes.
DING
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you, Linda, you take that.
Linda, do you have the key?
I do not have the key.
I told you stay in the shop.
Would you feel better
if I apologised?
Linda, door, open.
BANGS DOOR
It is still locked.
Well, don't you have one of those
universal key things
on your finger or something? No.
Sue, do you have your phone?
Oh, yes. Yes. I have.
Search locksmiths in your area.
No!
No-one need know about this.
There must be some way
of getting in.
It's a charity shop for God's sake,
not Alcatraz.
Linda, can you climb?
Yes, Sue, I can climb.
Good. I want you to climb up
that drainpipe, get through that
open window, go downstairs and
let me in through the front door.
Go!
Can you go quicker?
Eileen'll be home any minute.
She hates parties.
ROBOTIC AND DREARY:
Happy birthday, dear Shelley
Happy birthday to you. ♪
BANG
Warning, Sue.
I am descending rapidly.
Oh
The drainpipe is now broken.
Damn it, Linda!
Sue, you are getting very stressed.
Cos you're not being any help!
Sue, I am struggling to see what
you have brought to the table.
Somebody must live on that
floor up there.
We must be able to
get their attention.
Grab a pebble and we
GLASS SMASHES.
Oh!
Oh!
You're here!
Of course I am.
I told you I'm not scared.
But I'm not going to talk to him.
And I'm not going to call
him professor.
All right, well, you're really
early -
I don't get awarded
my belt until after class.
Yeah, I got off early.
Cos I-I realised
that I've never watched you train.
That's really unsupportive.
Are you here to keep an eye on me?
No.
Cos it's kind of sexy, if you are.
Really? Mmm.
Yes. Yes! You are MY woman!
What? Sorry.
Hey, guys.
Professor Chris.
So good to see you.
Professor Chris.
Please, call me Chris.
So you're finally going to
train with us, huh?
I'd give you, like, six months free.
Least I can do.
For having sex with my wife?
Yeah.
See, Michael, I told you -
it's cool.
Yeah, you know, I get a good
workout in the shop.
Lifting amps, guitars.
Ah, that's a pretty sweet gig, man.
You know, I play a bit myself.
Oh, what have you got?
I'm a bit of a Gibson nut.
I just splashed out on another
Super 400.
Oof. Such a rich tone.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Lola drives me everywhere now.
She knows all my phone's pass codes.
We're doing a lot of intimacy
rebuilding.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, so are we.
Are we? Yes.
Ah, man, you and me
we're no different.
We're men.
Nature designed us to hunt,
conquer and, if necessary
kill.
Right, Mike?
Yeah. CAR HORN BLARES.
Looks like the boss wants me
to keep moving.
See you in there.
Oss! Oss!
Oh, after you.
Are my champions ready to sweat?!
ALL: Oss! Oss!
OK, good.
Today is a big day.
We've got a few warriors ready
to graduate to their next belt.
It's a massive achievement.
But first, we train!
ALL: Oss!
Now, we're going to start with
a warm-up that focuses
on opening out the hips.
Can I borrow
Renee? This stretch is brilliant
for hamstring and hip mobility.
Renee, can you please lay down?
OK, can you raise your left leg?
Now we're going to scoop with our
bicep right under the hamstring.
Like this. And breathe out.
Yeah? Yeah.
It feels really good. Good.
And now the other leg.
Scoop, push.
Good. You know,
your hips have really opened up
since we started working together.
Thank you.
OK, everyone.
HE CLAPS Let's go!
Oh, God, here she comes.
I feel like an idiot.
You are not an idiot.
I have assessed your problem-solving
and cognitive function.
You have an IQ of between 119-122.
Am I a genius?
Absolutely not. Oh.
At the end of the day,
people have to realise,
if you travel,
bedbugs are the price you pay.
All right, Sue? Hiya.
Oh, I need some more
customer reviews.
Preferably ones above the
two stars I'm getting at the moment.
Would you mind?
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lovely.
Oh, and don't mention I got lost
and had four pints at lunch.
Or that I ran out of petrol
and we had to walk the last 2km.
OK?
Bye, Sue.
What you doing out here?
Got locked out. You idiot!
It's all right.
I've got a spare set.
Don't worry.
At least you got the delivery.
Yeah.
We got the delivery,
and then it was stolen.
Oh.
After we broke the drainpipe.
Oh.
And then we smashed a window.
Oh. We went round the back
to try and break in and that's
when the delivery was stolen.
I take full responsibility
for the failure of this task.
But we did dress the window.
How was the party?
Oh, pretty depressing.
But it meant a lot to
Auntie Shelley that I showed up.
I am the only family she has left.
Sue, that is like you and Michael.
She didn't want to be alone today.
That is like you and Michael.
And if you can't count on family
That is like you and Michael.
I-I'm sorry, Eileen, would you mind
if I left work early today?
Only there's somewhere I need to be.
I think it's best you go, yeah.
Oh, and what do you think
about me working here?
God, no!
APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS
You are missing out on a massive
opportunity by firing Sue.
I never hired her.
You'll regret this!
This isn't the last
you'll hear of Sue!
Bloody robots!
OK, everyone, gather round.
I want us
to work on some self-defence today.
I want you to imagine
it's late at night.
You're in Tesco doing a quick shop.
You're buying milk, cereal
Some potatoes?
Excellent. Well done, Renee.
Some basil?
No.
You're leaving the shop
and someone comes at you.
Elliott.
OK, Elliott,
I want you to come at me.
Tss!
Come at me like a man.
Well done, Elliott.
Great effort for your first class.
HE SCOFFS
You all right, Mike? Hmm?
Yep! Yeah!
Sounded like you said something.
Nope.
Good. OK, then. Everyone.
It just looked a bit unfair.
Because Elliott
looks like a dipshit loser?
Let me tell you something -
every person who puts on a uniform
and joins this class
has my total respect.
They're all warriors.
They don't sit on the sidelines.
OK! Yes!
Everyone, welcome Michael!
Hi, everyone.
Hi, Chris. It's Professor.
Out there, it's Chris. It's
In here, it's Professor.
It's all right. You'll get
the hang of it! Have a seat.
OK, the basics.
Argh! Can you all see that,
no matter what he does,
he cannot break this hold?
If I exert a little more pressure
Argh! Professor Chris,
please, that really hurts!
Really hurts.
Linda, do something.
What would you like me to do, Sue?
Stop him!
Yes, Sue.
Please get off Michael.
I will get off Michael
once he breaks this hold!
Please get off Michael.
Gun! SCREAMING.
It is a joke. It is a joke.
Robots.
Taser! Taser! Taser!
Argh! CRACKLING.
Jeffrey said the joke is humorous
because it appears to
be a live firearm.
This is all Jeffrey's fault.
Renee worked for years
to get this belt!
This was meant to be her day.
You could've killed him.
I used a low amperage.
And, I didn't need its help.
I was just about to smash his ass!
L-Let's go, babe.
I'll talk to you later, Mum.
CAR CHIRPS.
But you need to keep your robot
under control!
I'm still good at my job.
Yes, you are, Sue.
In fact, you are very good.
Thank you, Linda.
We are talking about your job
as a mother.
That's right, Linda.
Not your job in the charity shop.
No.
Because that was
a complete shitshow.
TOY PLAYS TUNE
Wow!
We really do have
a lot of Richard Osman books.