Bad Move (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1
# When the world in which you're
living gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on
# When you look,
there's no-one there
# You're gonna find me
# Out in the country
# You're gonna find me
# Way out in the country #
Steve?
Huh
Steve!
Oh, what did you wake me up for?
I just wanna check I'm not dreaming.
Only, I've been awake five minutes
now and life seems almost bearable.
Blimey.
It's sunny again.
If this carries on, it might even dry
out the rising damp.
Make the tea, then.
Oh, it's not my turn.
Yeah, but I'm the main breadwinner
now, so you need to look after me.
You're walking one dog for one week.
Yeah, make the tea
or I'll set it on you.
I don't know why you want a little
runt like that in the house, anyway.
That's what my dad said about you.
(SPLASH)
The damp's got worse.
Quite a bit worse.
I don't think this is rising damp.
No, rising damp doesn't tend
to have a deep end.
You can't?
Not this morning?
Right, so what time could you
Tuesday?! No, no.
We'll leave it. (SIGHS)
They're useless. Why call yourself
an emergency plumber?
Have you tried them all?
Maybe I should just try the regular
ones. What's the point?
"Hello, can we book you
for next April?
We're thinking of having a flood."
Maybe we should call the fire
brigade.
Do they do that?
What, pump it out? Yeah.
(SIGHS) It's only a couple
of inches of water.
How deep would it have to be?
If it was a couple of feet
I mean
Would it be that wrong?
What, to flood your own house?
So that the fire brigade
will come out.
I think it would be. Yeah.
Cooey! Knock, knock.
Or, should we say, buzz.
We made our first honey.
The bees are our friends.
Are they? Oh, good.
Thank you, Silas.
Do you know you've got a flood?
Yeah, we had noticed.
Have you any idea what's causing it?
I don't know, bad luck.
I think it could be a burst pipe
under the floor.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no,
it won't be that.
This is a solid floor.
There are no pipes under there.
I wonder if it's because
you're in a dip.
Oh, yes, that is one of the things
that Meena and I were worried about.
You see, we looked at this place.
Yeah, I remember, you said.
It's all about the water table.
That's why you haven't got a cellar.
I don't know what we'd do without
our cellar.
That's what Josef Fritzl said.
Who's Josef Pretzel?
That's not very helpful, Steve.
Anyway, thanks for the honey.
Right, off to walk the dog.
I'll just take off my wellies and
I'll be ready to go outside.
Have a look at this.
I haven't got time.
Causes of unexplained flooding.
It could be a natural spring.
Oh, great (!) So it's just going to
keep bubbling up through the floor?
No, this could be good news.
Our own spring water,
we could sell it,
go into business.
This could be the best thing that's
ever happened to us. Oh, could be.
But right now it just feels like
another crap thing.
Anyway, Dad'll be round in a bit
with the pump.
Oh, no. Can't I walk the dog?
You stay here and deal with him.
Sorry, I get paid today.
Hey, what do you think
of Yorkdale Spring?
As a name.
I think you should stop fantasising
and go and sweep that water out.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
MAN: 'Well, when we discovered we
had a natural spring on the ground,
that was a real turning point
for us.
Setting up a bottling plant was
surprisingly straight forward.
In no time at all, we had major
retailers knocking at the door.'
(Yes!)
Hello, Poppy!
Good girl!
Are you ready for your walk?
(DOORBELL)
All right, come on, Cinders,
put your broom down.
I've brought you something
that'll actually work.
Dear, oh, dear.
What are you doing? Not that end.
(CHUCKLES) You're not
very practical, are you?
I've just never used one of
these before.
To be honest, I'm surprised
Nicky went for somebody
like you after Tony.
He were very hands on. Hands on
half the women in Kirkstall.
Ah, give it here.
Yeah, you know, I've been thinking
about what might be causing this
and, in fact, I did some research
online. Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and erone of the things it
could be is a natural spring.
A spring? Yeah.
You know, spring water.
Like they sell in bottles. This could
be a potential source of income.
Aye, you might be right.
Why don't we check under the shed
in case you've got
a Cherryade fountain as well (?)
This is rain water.
I was just saying it might be worth
getting it analysed.
Just in case. There's only one thing
that wants analysed here,
and it's not water.
That month of rain we had,
it's run off the fields,
gone underground and come up
in your kitchen. Yeah.
I know. Because we're in a dip.
Got it.
You don't want to bottle this.
It's 10% cowpat.
Come on, Poppy, good girl.
Oh, morning.
Looking after Mary's dog, are you?
No, I'm stealing it (!)
No, no, I'm not stealing it.
I am looking after it, yeah.
Well, make sure you do.
Mary loves that dog.
It's like a child to her.
If anything happened to Poppy,
it'd break her heart.
(BARKS)
You want to keep her under control,
and all.
Come on, then, Poppy,
don't bark at the nice lady.
Right, keep it running for a couple
of hours, that should do it.
For the time being.
What's the solution long term
to stop it happening again?
Don't buy this house.
(SIGHS)
Or a solution that doesn't involve
time travel?
The only way you'll stop this
is tanking.
Dig down, put a proper membrane in
and fill it with concrete.
Well, how much would that cost?
Do you do the lottery?
That much? You'll just have to
design a few more websites.
Well, business is picking up
now I've got the internet.
I'm surprised there's a demand
for it these days.
Why pay good money when you can do
it yourself?
Our chairman at the bowling club,
he did our website.
You can go on it, find out
when the next game is,
there's a picture of the club house,
everything.
A picture? Impressive.
It is.
I'd imagine the big worry for you in
a couple of years
is there won't be any call
for what you do.
Anyway, keep the chin up.
Will do.
I'll erbring the pump back once
we've finished with it.
No, you might as well hang onto it.
You're gonna need it again and
again, living down here.
In t'dip.
(MIAOWS) Come on, Poppy, don't be
scared. It's only a cat.
(DOORBELL) (SIGHS)
(IMITATES FATHER-IN-LAW) "That is not
how you ring out a towel!
Give it us here!"
Oh, Grizzo. Hi, Steve.
Yeah, ermyou haven't seen
a panther, have you? A what?
A panther. Only, one of mine got
out. Do you mind if I come in?
Um
Off you go then, Poppy.
What's the matter? (WHIMPERS)
You keep panthers? Yeah.
Well, try to. Went to feed them
this morning, he's not there.
Well, if there's an escaped panther,
you need to tell the police.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, could do.
Only, you know what they're like,
fussy.
"Have you got a licence?"
Well, have you?
Yeah, I've got a licence
but not for this country.
Grizzo, this is serious.
Someone could get killed. What?
That is what panthers do.
Oh (LAUGHS)
No, no, he's only a cub.
I got him in Belarus.
They have panthers in Belarus?
Yeah, I was out there
plugging the last album.
Bumped into Adele in
a Japanese restaurant.
Who knew they had
Japanese restaurants in Minsk?
Anyway, she was all upset,
going on about how she'd seen
this panther chained up in a circus.
So I went and bought it.
Then, she didn't want it!
(SCOFFS)
Make your mind up, Adele (!)
Exactly! Anyway, he's legged it.
Lucky it wasn't the big one.
Now, he is naughty.
Even I don't pet him.
Come on, Poppy, don't be scared.
Fetch.
What's the matter, Poppy?
Have you seen another cat?
Anyway, keep a look-out for it.
I will.
Ooh, that reminds me, I was thinking
of offering a reward.
What do you reckon? Five grand?
£5,000? All right, ten. Old bill
will probably fine me that, anyway.
Dangerous animals and all that.
Hang on, is it dangerous, then?
Cos you said
Nah. Nah, he's not dangerous.
He's justplayful.
Well, he could be dangerous.
He'd kill a rabbit.
Or a fox or something.
Or a small dog?
Yeah, nothing bigger than that.
Maybe a badger.
See ya.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Hiya.
STEVE: 'Hi.
Are you still walking the dog?'
Well, I'm trying to,
but she's still acting strange.
Is she? Where are you?
I'm up in the woods, why?
Erhow long would it take you to,
for instance, get back to the car?
Steve, you're being weird.
What's the matter?
OK, look, there's a panther
on the loose.
A what?
A panther.
In Garsdale?
Steve, I'm not in the mood for this.
How could there possibly be a -
Well, I just had a visit
from Grizzo
Oh, bloody hell.
Poppy!
Come on.
Well, I wasn't going to leave her on
her own.
"Bye, Poppy, don't worry about
the dog-eating panther."
Why's Grizzo got a panther, anyway?
Well, because Adele didn't want it.
This box's had it. What's in it?
Ah, it's a load of junk.
Ah!
My finest hour.
Best Independent Website Designer,
Yorkshire Region, 2012.
You should keep that out.
It might inspire you.
Bring you luck.
Do you think we should put the
heating on? Dry the place out a bit.
God, no, you'll turn it
into a sauna.
We need a dehumidifier.
My dad might have one.
Oh, please, not twice in one day.
I'd rather get flooded again.
Did he say what's causing it?
Yeah, believe it or not, it's because
we're in a dip. Oh, great.
So it's gonna happen again?
Yep, "again and again,"
I think were his words.
There must be something we can do.
Well, there is.
We can tank it.
That's gonna cost a fortune!
Better hope we find
Grizzo's panther.
Is he really offering ten grand
for it? That's what he said.
Just think what we could do
with ten grand.
Maybe I should build some sort of
trap.
You mean try and catch it?
Yeah.
Catch itclaim the reward.
Well, it would solve our
flooding problem.
Solve a lot of problems.
Build a trap, catch the panther.
And, maybe in the meantime,
not tell anyone else.
Not tell anyone there's an escaped
panther on the loose?
Well, it should just be on a need to
know basis.
It's an escaped panther.
Who wouldn't need to know?
Yeah, but it's only a cub.
We don't want to panic people.
What panic them into catching it and
claiming the reward?
But if we catch it,
no-one else needs to panic.
I'll just knock-up some sort
ofsome sort of cage
And then a thing that goeszoom.
Do you think you could do that?
How hard can it be?
All we'd need is some bait.
(WHIMPERS)
Come on, Poppy. There you go.
Don't forget to keep your windows up.
Do you reckon this is strong enough
to hold a panther?
Well, you better hope it is.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
No dogs.
I know, but could - No dogs allowed.
You'll have to tie it up outside.
Well, I would normally -
Is it a guide dog?
No.
Then it can't come in.
Right, well, the - the thing is
..there's an escaped panther
on the loose.
A panther. You haven't,
by any chance, seen a panther?
Gareth!
Have we seen a panther?!
'You what?!'
Have we seen a panther?
'I saw a rhinoceros at
the bus stop earlier
and a pair of giraffes went past on
a tandem,
but, no, I've not seen
any panthers.'
We've not seen any.
# From Meccano to Legoland
# Here they come with a brick
in their hand
# Men with heads filled up with sand
# It's build
# It's build a house
where we can stay
# Add a new bit every day-ay-ay-ay
# It's build a road for us to cross
# Build us lots and lots
and lots and lots #
(IMITATES PANTHER GROWLING)
Gotcha! (YOWLS)
Is everything all right, Steve?
Oh, yeah, I was - I was just erm
Trying to catch something?
Yep. It's a rat.
Quite a big rat. Oh.
I thought you might be trying to
catch the panther.
Oh, you know about the panther?
Yeah, Shannon told us in the shop.
I didn't want to panic you.
You know, scare the children.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
It's only a cub.
Heh, yes, poor little chap.
He's probably more scared
than anything.
Matt's very good with animals.
He understands them.
Of course.
Anyway, what can I do for you? What
it iswhen you finish the honey,
can we have the jar back?
Honey?
The honey we brought you?
Oh, that.
We started selling it at the shop,
so we're going to need all the jars
we can get. Right.
Well, whenever we -
Have you eaten it yet?
Well, not all of it.
I'm not Winnie-the-Pooh.
Well, when you have,
can we have it back, please?
(EXHALES)
Good luck catching the panther.
Oh, don't you harm him.
It's a wild animal, he's only doing
what's natural.
Still, probably best to get him
safely back behind bars.
Actuallywe don't approve of
animals being locked up.
What about your chickens? I'd lock
them up with a panther on the loose.
The chickens are our friends.
Gosh, you have got a lot of friends,
haven't you?
Is the panther going to hurt our
chickens?
No, Pipps. Well, Grizzo did say it's
big enough to kill a badger.
Yes, but we won't let it get out.
So imagine what it could do to a
chicken? Rip its head off.
(CRIES)
Oh, don't worry, Pipps.
That's not very helpful, Steve.
Hiya! Hi.
Nice panther trap.
Oh, thanks.
No panthers in it, mind. What's that
you've put in there for bait?
It stinks. That meat pie from
the shop, scraped out the filling.
Oh. Well, let's hope the reward is
dead or alive.
Let's hope Matt and Meena
don't get it.
Did you mention the panther
in the shop?
I had to, but I didn't mention
the reward.
Anywayhere you go.
Actual money.
Oh, I remember this.
Well, if there was a pub within
20 miles, I'd let you buy me a pint.
(DOORBELL)
Oh, no
I thought you'd be wanting one
of these. Ah, a dehumidifier.
Ah, you're an expert now, are you?
You'll know how to set it up, then,
won't you?
Thought not.
What's that contraption you've got
out there?
Hi, Dad. You're not hoping to catch
that escaped panther, are you?
Oh, you've heard about it? The whole
village is talking about it.
Oh, there goes our chance
of the reward. What reward?
Grizzo's offered a reward.
Oh, it's Catweazle's, is it?
I might've known. Well, if you could
keep the reward bit to yourself
We're gonna try and trap it.
Trap it?
It wants shooting before it kills
someone's sheep.
Oh, by the way, did you know
there's a dead badger
at the end of your drive?
That wants clearing up.
Do you think the panther would've
killed it? I doubt it.
Not unless it was driving
a Land Rover.
Bloody great tyre marks across
its squashed head. Lovely.
Tea, anyone? Erno, thanks.
I best get this up and running.
This'll dry it out a treat.
Until next time.
I do hope your dad got home safely.
Wasn't attacked by any wild animals,
for example.
I'd be more worried
about the panther.
Probably corner it
and start giving it survival tips.
(IMITATES) "That's not how
you climb a tree.
If you're gonna attack someone,
don't scratch his legs.
Grab him by the jugular."
Ssh. No, I'm only joking.
Shut up.
I can hear something.
(CLATTERING)
What Do you think it could be
Ten grand? I bloody hope so.
I think it's gone inside.
Yes!
Oh, well done, Steve.
Have you got your phone? Take a
photo. I want your dad to see this.
Oh
(CAMERA CLICKS)
I think I'll delete that.
Thanks.
(DOORBELL)
(DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY)
(GROANS)
Bloody hell
(DOORBELL RINGS INCESSANTLY)
All right God
Oh, sorry, did I wake you?
Well, it is 6:45.
Is it?
That's weird. Anyway
panic over.
You found the panther?
No, Matt did, amazing.
Found it sniffing round his
recycling bins and he lured it.
Incredible.
He's like a panther whisperer.
Oh, good. So, the reward,
he's got that, then?
Yeah, yeah. Well, no.
He didn't even know there's
a reward,
so what he said was he saw you
flooded out Yeah?
And that got him thinking.
What?
It must be awful to be flooded.
Well, it is, it's been terrible.
So he asked me to give the money
..to the Bangladesh Flood Appeal.
Ten grand
I know it's a good cause but
How do you lure a panther?
I wish it had scratched
his stupid face off.
Still, at least the kitchen seems to
have dried out.
Until it rains again.
Rain, in Yorkshire?
That's never gonna happen.
Yeah, we'll be all right.
As long as the sun keeps shining.
Huh.
I was expecting a clap of thunder
then.
(CHUCKLES)