Bait (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

Shah Latif!
Welcome to Sir Chatrick Stewart,
with me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
It's an honour to be here.
The honour is all mine!
I've hosted many fine actors
- on my little podcast.
- Mmm-hmm.
But few who've had
such an eventful 24 hours!
Well, it's been a wild ride already,
that's for sure.
Now, I know a Bond or two,
- Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
- Oh.
Big shoes to fill.
Do you think you're up to the job?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Now more than ever,
I'm ready to show the world
that I've got what it takes.
Shah? Nigel Murray.
How are you? Thank God.
- Yeah, good, yeah.
- Good.
Um, Felicia tells me you do security
for all the top wankers.
Yeah. That's right, yeah.
And always happy to take on a few
up-and-coming wankers, as well.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Do you do personal? Because I might have,
er, an event tonight.
Yeah, no. We do the full service.
- Even got a food taster if you need one.
- Oh.
Tell you what, let's have a look
in the house and we can, er,
- talk about that afterwards. Yeah.
- Yes.
- So, er, house has two points of entry.
- Right.
Hostile object entered
the front bay window.
Those and the doors may need reinforcing,
and I was thinking maybe some, er,
visual deterrence along the perimeter
if you have the bodies.
There's, er, 60 friendlies
expected tomorrow.
Wow. You really know your stuff.
Well, I played the, um,
translator in Homeland,
- season seven. Yeah.
- Yes.
Yes. Yes, you did.
They got a lot of shit wrong
on that show. Come on.
Okay. All right.
So your, er, your guests
are for Eid al-Fitr, I presume, yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just wanna make sure
everyone feels safe.
- Yeah, course. Sure.
- Fuck!
My thumb!
Erm, might make more sense for you
to start off upstairs.
I know it's harder to defend a position
at higher altitude, isn't it?
Yeah, okay. Well, I'll take my shoes off
- and go upstairs then.
- Yeah.
Do you agree,
you can't really act this role?
Part of you has to be it.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah. You know,
luckily, I'm already very experienced
at navigating attacks of various kinds.
Whether in the public eye
or on the home front,
as it were.
- Yep, he just got here.
- Yo, Mandarin Oriental.
- Sorted it.
- Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
I'll speak to you later
about the gala, all right. Bye.
- What are you showing me right now?
- It's a hotel.
Okay, they do free stays for celebs,
like Michelle Yeoh. Digga D.
Fucking North West's nanny.
And?
Bro, your followers are blowing up. Okay?
It's a five-star safe house.
All of us. One week. It's free.
Obviously, minus my costs, but Yeah?
Look, we're not going to a hotel.
I'm dealing with it.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
- You don't need to be afraid.
- I'm not afraid.
What you talking about, man?
Bro?
Bro, the fuck's all this?
What does it look like? Security, cuz.
I told you
that I had security sorted, so
Chill your pum-pum out.
Learn from the mandem.
- It's not fucking movie, yeah.
- Oh, is it?
Do I even wanna ask
where you got these from?
All this?
Allah provides, bro.
- Does he?
- Yes.
Does he provide discount-rate
mujahideen, as well?
I know these guys, bro.
They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
Which ISIS? ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS?
They got different standards.
I've heard.
They don't need PhDs, do they?
They're hard as fuck
and they're committed!
- Proclaim the greatness of Allah.
- Allah is the Greatest.
I'm not trying to start a Madrasah, yeah?
I I I'm just trying to bring in
some real actual protection.
If you can just listen to me for once.
If I want your fucking protection,
I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
- You like that one, innit?
- Oh, yeah.
Tiny lullies, yeah. Stop pressing me, cuz!
- And go and chat to Abba.
- We have to discuss this.
Breaking my balls every day.
Baba.
What are you doing?
Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
That's because
you've taken off the back door.
That's why I've hired a professional--
- I professional!
- I'm not doubting that, I'm just
If If you let me do it,
then it'll be better for everyone.
Sean Connery to the rescue, is it?
- How How do you understand that?
- Shah! Shah beta!
Shaju beta, be a dear
and help me take these to the car.
Quickly let's go.
Sixty people
is a lot for Eid.
Your mummy needs my help.
Hey!
Son of an owl!
- What you doing?
- What I
- Chill, Mummy.
- Bastard, you chill!
Twenty fucking years,
she's been trying to steal Eid.
Already bringing
her cunty-smelling kebabs.
Wh I like her kebabs.
Tahira, you're here?
Naila!
Wow! Two days in a row!
Eid's a joint effort, na?
Just doing my part.
But, Naila, you have done already so much.
Shaju, take the pots inside.
Why you giving Naila Aunty more work?
It's nothing, Tahira.
I was telling Shaju
I could be doing
so much more.
After last night, sadly
it's no longer safe here, no?
Why not move Eid to my house?
Who's not safe?
Okay! Everybody stop!
Can you stop please, Baba?
Baba, can you just come here, please?
Could you stop the work, everyone.
Right. Let's have a little chat
- about Eid and the plan--
- Oi! Is this your plan, yeah?
- What?
- Huh? Outsourcing our protection
to this Freemason-nonce?
- I'm not a nonce.
- Shoulda gone to the hotel.
Nigel's here to help
secure the the house.
Look at the house, Tahira!
Nothing's ready
House won't be ready.
Food won't be ready,
- I'm--
- Naila! Naila, please. Shaju--
Sorry, guys. The Prophet,
Peace Be Upon Him.
- Peace be upon him.
- Exactly, exactly.
He said it best
when he said, er, trust in Allah,
but tie up your camel.
My guy. He knows his stuff.
- You gotta hand it to him.
- I just wanna say
that holy days like this are an absolute
lightning rod for bad actors.
So perhaps you should think about
moving your Eid celebrations
to a different location.
Sister-fucker, be quiet!
One layover in Dubai,
thinks he knows our business.
- Who is he?
- No, I've got tremendous respect
for Islamic culture.
Especially after six tours
of Afghanistan, so
The war criminal is right.
The hero has put our lives in danger.
- I I--
- Naila,
we'll do Eid at yours tomorrow.
Parvez. Parvez--
If something happens,
will you be responsible?
See you tomorrow.
Mummy Don't I didn't
Mummy!
Lovely to meet the family. Colourful lot,
- aren't they? They really
- Mmm.
get after it.
And your, er, your brother,
- he seems nice.
- Well, he's not my brother.
He's my cousin. But he was raised with us.
- Okay.
- It's complicated.
All right, well look. This is for you.
There's your quote.
Although, I would be willing
to postpone payment,
you know, in consideration
of your future work.
'Cause, if my internet searches
are correct,
then you will be needing our services
a lot more in the future.
Oh, well let's, erm
Let's see what happens.
Erm, this is really reasonable.
Could you just leave it with me?
- I'm getting a few different quotes in.
- That's fine. Okay.
Oh, so did you want me to, er,
provide a personal for tonight?
I can send one of my best guys,
- it's fine--
- Bro, what you doin'?
- You asked me to do security, na?
- For tonight. I did.
- Him?
- Yeah, so I won't be needing--
Thank you for coming by.
- Yeah, no. Ab Absolute pleasure.
- Yeah.
Well Oh, by the way,
those stolen dash cams,
the, er, battery life is
so bring a charger. All right!
You can have that for free.
- Cheers, Nigel.
- Mmm-hmm.
Why are you wasting your money
on these rent-a-feds, bro?
I've had your back since day.
I heard you're going
to this gala tonight.
On your own, or?
I've got a plus-one.
Is it?
You got any shoes that aren't trainers?
Can arrange it.
Go on. Get ready, you fucker.
Please, please.
Let go of me.
Oi, that is a proper
goat fuck out there.
It's a good job I came to babysit you.
All right bro, you might be
taking care of the muscle,
but I'm winning over the hearts
and minds, yeah?
What? When you're in the middle
of a culture war
that's the real battleground.
Big man, how you gonna fucking battle them
with your horny meerkat face?
- What?
- You know the face that you do.
When you're on the red carpet,
it looks like you're trying
to shag that camera,
but you're worried the camera's
gonna shag you back.
No, I'm not. Don't put that
in my head right now.
You're gonna put me off.
Okay. For confirmation, cuz.
- What is that?
- Yeah.
What, man! I look good there!
You look like you're making
a pervy version of fucking Planet Earth.
All right, let me just see something.
Raj Thakker.
- Motherfucker! Is this--
- All right, all right!
Don't jizz on my leather seats.
You can't afford the cleaning fee.
Listen, let's just go there
and smash it, all right?
Brother, we are already
fucking "smashing it", okay?
We are arriving in a Muba
prime experience.
Look at this, halal Haribo's,
custom specifically branded Zam Zam water.
You're a little mini dildo
on the dashboard. Cuz, look at me.
We are arriving like
this is Fast And Furious,
but without the foreskins,
- you understand?
- Come on, bro!
- Come on, let's get it cuz, yeah.
- Come on.
- Yeah, you ready? Okay.
- Yes, bro.
With upright dicks!
Boing!
- Yeah!
- Come on. Don't do that on the red carpet.
I can't guarantee it.
There's a lot of excitement,
but also some displeasure
at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
Proving those voices wrong
has been my life's mission.
How so?
Well, it's why I want the role.
It's why I'm here speaking to you.
Is that why
you wanted to make a speech
- at the King's Museum Gala?
- Exactly.
To show people
that this is what a hero can look like.
To show them that this, too,
is what British looks like.
Hey, yo, listen!
I support the team.
I support the team,
but when you're finished tonight,
please get home with Muba.
Okay, that's for you.
Sorry, there's no, er,
service in your area.
- I'm Turkish.
- You're Turkish?
Then there's service in your area.
Thank you. Excuse me, sister,
- fifty percent discount on the first trip.
- Yo!
- Shah!
- There you go.
MC RickShah! Mate!
- Can I get a pic?
- You want a pic?
I get you an X-ray, cuz. Hey yo, cuz!
Cuz? Come and get a picture
with your one and only fan! Come on!
Oi, bro! You ignoring me?
Bro, we gotta go, man!
Why are you goin' in there?
Man's sold out.
You should be out here with us!
Hey yo, yo, yo.
He just wanted a photo with you.
What's the problem?
Bro, if I get a photo taken
with them lot. It's not
It's not the right image
I'm going for right now, all right?
The real change happens in there.
We gotta get in there.
Listen, I know you think
you're His Majesty's Secret Service
or summat, yeah? But don't go
full coconut pussy-hole on me tonight.
Oh, yeah? Then don't go
intifada fuck-boy on me, then.
You want their respect, my guy,
keep it real, yeah.
Okay. Why don't you respect this?
Watch and learn.
- You're doing it again.
- I'm not doing the face--
- You're doing the face again--
- Oh, go on, you do the face, then.
All right! Let me show you.
Mmm.
- Nah. You know what that is?
- Hmm?
You look like a paedophile gerbil, bro.
There's cameras.
Why would you say paedophile
- in front of the cameras? Why--
- Because they don't have sound.
- It's photos-- Hi!
- Mr Latif?
- So happy you could make it!
- Really So glad to be here. Thank you.
This is my associate
Crocodile Dick.
Em, can I ask, erm,
who I might speak to
about my speech this evening?
Oh. We don't have you down
as doing a speech--
Oh, I I think it's cos I'm a last
A last-minute addition.
- So--
- Well, Vivian Newhouse, I suppose?
- Yeah.
- She's our new director.
Okay.
Oh, I I'm guessing I have a plus-one?
Er
Mr Zulfikar Ali.
CEO of Muba Enterprises.
I just think there should be
like an official record
that I'm here tonight, so. Thank you.
Cuz, where the fuck
have you brought us, man?
This looks like the
Antichrist's ballsack.
You're from humble beginnings like me.
So, how's your family
dealing with all this?
Same way we deal
with everything.
As a team. Together.
I'm proud to say that
we've all got each other's backs.
- Bro, this is mad. Eh?
- Yeah, I told you, bro.
I got stuff cooking.
- Peace be upon you.
- Peace be upon you.
Sorry?
Erm All right.
We gotta find this Vivian, yeah?
- Yeah.
- No point in me being here
- if I can't get on stage.
- There she is.
Museum Director, yeah?
My guy.
- What the fuck are you, bro?
- Yeah.
- Some eagle, bro. Look at this.
- Come on.
- All right, listen, er--
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna go work on her--
- Hey yo, yo.
- Shall we tag team her?
- What?
Not like that.
I mean I mean, like,
convince her together, like,
Good Paki-Bad Paki?
What What would that be like?
Like Like good cop, bad cop.
- But Pakis.
- Okay.
You I got this one covered, yeah?
- Are you sure, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a bit.
All right, I'll be here.
Singh, let me tell you about this.
"if you send me
any more mummies,
I'll begin to think you have
an Oedipal complex."
- He didn't get it.
- Oh, Vivian, you're incorrigible!
Um, Vivian? Shah Latif.
Ah, yes! Of course, Mr Latif.
Erm, I wonder if I could
borrow you for a moment?
Oh, absolutely.
Although, anything borrowed
has to be given back now, apparently.
What can I do for you, Mr Latif?
I was actually wondering
what I might be able to do for you.
There's nobody like Muslims
that can get you to
where you need to be on time--
Brother, we're on time for prayers
five times a day.
If you call me--
"Zulfi, can you get me to
where I need to go?", I'll get you there.
This museum means a great deal to me
and I saw you had a number
of protestors outside.
Yes, and it thrills me
to see young people engaging
in a conversation about
our shared heritage and culture.
- Mmm.
- In fact we invite this kind of dialogue.
Is it a dialogue, though,
if you don't have an ambassador of sorts
to help bridge the divide
between those on the inside
and those out there?
- What's your name?
- Ali Reza.
- Ali Reza. I'm feeling, er, Iran?
- Yes.
- Yeah, bit of Farsi?
- Yeah, yeah.
My guy, come on.
- Listen, we could be in that region.
- Yeah.
I, for one, would be honoured
to get up there and say
a few words about May I?
About how, erm, global Britain truly is.
Both in its artefacts and its people.
You know, I'm an eighth Indian?
I did not. Wow.
And what about yourself? Where you from?
- London.
- You're from London?
You sound
Wait, originally from London?
But I understand your latest acquisition
- is, is from a Muslim country, so--
- Yes.
But treasures like the one
we're unveiling tonight
don't just belong to Islam.
They belong to us all.
So I can go up and say a few words?
I'll I'll be very brief.
No, Mr Latif.
That's simply not
how we do things around here.
This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
Besides, we already have our dear friend,
Raj Thakker, giving a speech.
- Enjoy your evening.
- Okay.
And so I said to him,
Your Majesty
And now, to the more
uncomfortable part of our chat.
You didn't think this was going to be
all softballs, did you?
Raj Thakker, your rival?
I wouldn't call him that.
Come on, come on.
You can be honest.
I can't be in the same room
as Ian Magneto-McKellen.
Oh, sorry.
Sir Ian Magneto-McKellen.
I just think that there's plenty of room
for all of us at the top.
- Oh, please!
- You know.
A day ago, you were
the only brown bloke up for the job.
And now, there are two.
And word on the web is,
he'd make a better Bond.
Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention
to what people say about me.
- It's just not in my nature.
- You should, old chap!
He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
And I dare say, he's thought of
as a better actor.
That's subjective.
Cut the camel shit, Latif!
You couldn't even convince
that museum director to let you speak.
How do you expect to convince the world
that you can be Bond?
You don't stand a chance
in a whore's pyjamas,
do you, you pussy hole?
Least I got an audition, you posh cunt!
No use being angry with me.
- You only have yourself to blame.
- I'm trying.
Try harder. Do you understand?
- Here he is.
- Hey
- Hey.
- Shah Latif!
- Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro!
- How's it going?
Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
- Um
- Mango Tree premiere?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you for coming.
- Man, you were so good in that.
- Thank you.
Did you guys see that?
Under The Mango Tree?
- I know.
- So it's about this magical mango tree,
this white woman eats a mango,
she travels back in time
to colonial India.
Falls in love with this Indian guy
and they have this relationship
over space and time.
It's about how, love's timeless
and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
- Mmm.
- I don't know why it didn't connect more.
Actually, can I borrow you for a--
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just for a Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
Erm, you look incredible by the way.
And very, very smart.
Getting photographed in a tux
and holding that drink, it's, er--
Just here to support one of our nation's
most important cultural institutions.
Erm, just,
the Bond thing's got people
going mental, hasn't it?
Yeah, people are passionate, man.
- Yeah.
- It's just, erm, the The hate, though.
The hate is It's It's a lot right?
I know you're probably
You're probably getting
a lot of that, too.
Not really.
Nothing to cry about.
You just gotta stay grateful.
People are busting their asses
at dead-end jobs,
just to put food on the table.
- We're livin' the dream. Yeah?
- Yeah. We are.
A bit of hate's a small price to pay.
Yeah, it is. It's just some psycho
sent a pig's head
to my mum's house, so.
You serious?
- Yeah.
- Fuckin' hell.
- That's actually why I'm here.
- Mmm-hmm.
Erm, I wanna show them
that no amount of hate
is gonna make me hide.
And, and actually, if this museum
can house treasures
from all around the world,
then this country has to take in people
from all around the world.
- Am I right? Yeah? And
- Yeah, preach, bruv.
I just wanna make a statement.
Show them that this, this too,
is what British looks like.
I love the passion, man.
I'm so glad you said that because I heard
- that you're speaking later
- Yeah.
and I was thinking
maybe we could tag team it.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
- Yeah?
- You've got something important to say.
- I wanna be a part of that.
- Yeah!
I tell you what, why don't I go up first
and then I'll bring you up?
- I would love that. Thank you, my brother.
- Great. Yeah. Yeah.
- I love that, man.
- Course.
- I really appreciate it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- There you are.
- Hey.
I know you!
- This is my security guy.
- The Muba guy.
Yeah, I overheard you
chatting about it earlier.
- I love the concept.
- Well, thank you, brother.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are Are you Muslim?
- Aren't we all, a little?
- Yeah.
Have you got a card? I'll spread the word.
Nice.
Yeah, okay.
- I gotta go. That's my mum.
- You brought your mum?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't be here without her,
so shouldn't be here without her,
you know. Zulfikar.
- That's me.
- Nice to meet you. Good to see you, man.
Yeah, you too.
Man.
He's either the sweetest twat
I've ever met, or the thickest twat.
You're a thick twat.
- Why?
- "Security guy?"
That's all I am to you, innit?
You literally told me
to bring you here as security.
Why you getting cranky?
Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
- No, I haven't. Of course I'm hungry, man.
- Then eat a canape--
- They're not halal!
- Champagne, gentlemen?
Just have a little canape, bro.
Just have a little something to eat.
Nothing here is halal.
None of the little things,
the big things, none of it.
- Have some halloumi.
- Halloumi?
- Halloumi is not Israeli.
- That's what they want you to think.
- It's an Arabic cheese.
- Prove it to me.
- Google it.
- You know I don't use Google.
Thank you.
Too kind.
Good evening.
In 2001,
we watched in horror
as Taliban fanatics laid waste
to a once great nation's
cultural heritage.
We wept as monuments to peace
were turned to rubble.
But tonight, we right this wrong.
After a nine-year,
£15 million restoration project,
it is my honour to present to you tonight,
the restored
Buddha of Bamiyan!
And now, an extra special treat.
It is with great enthusiasm
that I invite tonight's guest speaker
to the stage.
The most gentlemanly vampire hunter
I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Raj Thakker.
Whoo!
It's an honour to be here, I mean
Wow.
This museum is home to artefacts
from around the globe.
And so it should follow that England, too,
is home to people from those same places.
Now, tonight is a celebration,
but I would like to speak with you all
about my experiences as an Englishman,
and as a person of colour.
Recently, racist hate
took the form
of a severed pig's head
delivered to my family doorstep.
It was horrific.
There was blood everywhere.
My mother was left traumatized.
Mummy, I'm sorry.
But no amount of hate will make me hide.
Those driven by prejudice
they need to see us in these spaces.
And because this, too,
is what British looks like!
Mmm.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Excuse me, Mr Latif.
- Mmm?
We have a situation.
A man claiming to be your brother
has been harassing and, er,
- racially profiling museum guests.
- What?
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave, sir.
they're really doing
some very special work.
Oh, and, er, Shah Latif
wanted to say something, too.
I'm about to go on, man.
Shah?
Otherwise, we're gonna have to
escort him off the premises, immediately.
I don't know him.
Good luck!
So, let's talk about
your big moment.
The speech that never was.
A silky bit of spycraft from Thakker.
He's clearly made for the role.
Not to mention
he can get the bleeding lines out.
Line?
I can do better. I can.
Can you now?
Let's see.
I also had a pig's head
sent to my mum's house.
Really?
I, erm
Nice one, dickhead.
You're more frozen than me.
But it's not your acting
that's the problem, is it?
It's who you are.
You don't have the balls
to be Bond.
Shut up!
Hey, yo, cuz! Come, man.
Meet your one and only fan.
You turned your back
on your own fans.
Man's sold out!
You turned your back
on your own family.
Man, get the fuck off me, bro!
Face it. People like you
are never the heroes of the story.
You'll always just be
a scared little Paki!
Send him back where he came from!
Yeah?
You okay?
- Yeah, are you?
- What What you doing?
Nothing. What you doing?
Nothing, bro. It's 2:00 a.m.
Were you talking to someone, or what?
Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.
In a suit?
Costume, innit?
Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted so
- Eid Mubarak.
- Eid Mubarak.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Night-night, you weirdo.
Eid Mubarak.
Bitch.