Batman (1966) s01e02 Episode Script
Smack in the Middle (2)
In the previous Bat-adventure we saw a prime minister's exploding cake with a puzzling message from that rascal, The Riddler.
The Dynamic Duo.
.
pinned The Riddler's ears back.
But he tricked them.
.
with a million dollar lawsuit against Batman.
Glee for The Riddler.
Gloom for Batman.
But then, a fresh clue which led Batman into a Batusi trap.
Which laid him low.
And then Robin got it, in the arm.
The Riddler had it made.
Gotham City was aghast.
Robin seemed utterly doomed.
But waitthe worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Comes the dawn.
A bright, shining dawn over stately Wayne Manor.
But in the depths of the secret Bat-cave no birds sing.
Robin, repeat.
Your homing transmitter.
.
turn it on, boy.
- Yes.
- It's Mrs.
Cooper, sir.
She's noticed your beds weren't slept in.
She's having a fit.
Tell her that Dick and I are spending the night at my uncle's house.
That should put her at ease.
Very good, sir.
I must say, this youth's face makes an excellent impression.
You sure are a card, Riddler.
Yes, my pretty.
In this little game, Iam the ace of trump.
Make a positive from instant Compound X then get into your outfit while I bait the Bat-trap.
Where am I? Where's.
.
- Riddler! - 'Mm-hmm.
' You fiend! What's the meaning of this? - Where is Batman? - Hanging.
- What? - Hanging by his phone, I hope.
Call him, get him through police headquarters on that famous hotline.
I wish to pose him another amusing problem.
You've flipped your lid.
You think I'm gonna help you in some rotten criminal scheme? You're scared.
You're really scared that I'll outwit your Batman yet again.
Alright.
It'll be a cold day in August when we're scared of you! Give me that telephone.
- 'Commissioner, this is Robin.
' - Robin? Where are you? We tried the signal.
Are you alright? Can you plug me into the hotline? Yes, of course.
Hold on.
Operator, plug 0-3 into the Bat-line.
Trace it.
Record it.
- Yes.
- 'Batman, it's Robin.
' Robin, old chum.
Where are you? Ho ho, ha ha.
Remember me, old chum? You jolly devil.
Harm one hair of that boy's head-- Riddle me twice, Batman.
What kind of pins are used in soup? - Terrapins, Batman.
- Right.
Very good.
What was Joan of Arc made of? Joan of Arc was.
.
Maid of Orleans.
That's where you'll find him.
Happy hunting.
Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself the same way I got in.
Robin.
Robin! 'Robin!' Terrapins.
Orleans.
Of course.
The old turtle mill at Orleans Cove.
Riddler, you fiend.
Fantastic, pretty lady.
Uncanny! Don the belt.
Onto the Bat-hunt.
Turn on the homing transmitter.
Done.
Hold on, old fellow.
I'm getting you.
I don't believe it.
It didn't happen.
Shut up.
Tighten seatbelt.
Don crash helmet.
He'll give us the Bat-ray any moment now.
Perfect.
The Bat-ray's conked our ignition.
Hold tight.
Here we go.
Robin.
Robin.
What's he done to you? I get it.
The affected your vocal cords, eh? Take it easy, old fella.
Don't try to talk.
We'll have you fixed up in no time at all.
Don't move.
I'll get the universal drug antidote.
Reach, Batman.
Well, Molly.
I was wondering when you'd get around to that.
'What? You mean you saw through my disguise?' A criminal always makes one mistake, Molly.
Those straws you gave Robin to breathe through I spotted the defect in the mask instantly.
That was the one hole in your plan.
Well, there are gonna be some holes in you, Batman.
Foolish girl.
You were so bent on your murderous scheme you failed to notice.
In the BatmobileI burned off your revolver's firing pin 'with a hidden Bat-laser beam.
' Molly.
Molly, stop.
You're climbing into the Batmobile's nuclear power source.
Ah! Help! Help! Stay where you are, Molly.
Don't move a muscle.
I'll come and get you.
Wait, Molly.
Molly.
Don't panic.
Reach, Molly.
I can't.
I'm-I'm too scared.
I'm slipping.
Oh, Batman! Poor, deluded girl.
If only she'd have let me save her.
What a terrible way to go.
'Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
' 'I'll get out of this myself, the same way I got in.
' Hopeless.
Broke off before we could make the trace.
It's not even a good recording.
All those devilish rumbling noises.
You're wrong, chief.
Those noises are our salvation.
What? Those noises? Subway trains, commissioner.
Quick, get me a timing on this tape and a complete set of subway schedules.
The Batmobile will do the rest.
Right.
Mother of mercy! What's it doing now? Checking with the main computer in the Bat-cave.
Automatic radio link.
The answer should be back any second now.
Coolidge Square Station.
Commissioner, phone ahead.
Have them clear the platforms.
Right.
- Hi, Batman.
- Hi.
Molly should've been back by now with Batman's scalp.
I wonder what went awry? You went awry, Riddler.
Years ago.
Don't you know that crime never pays.
Ha ha ha.
Ho ho ho.
He he he.
Holy smoke.
Surrender, you rat.
What's that? Holy showcase.
A sheet of bulletproof glass.
Batman, listen.
Don't look so blue.
Their final caper is set for tonight.
- And I know what it is.
- What do you know? I played possum.
I heard The Riddler making up some tricky clues.
Listen.
How many sides is a circle? Answer, two.
- Inside and outside.
Right? - Right.
Here's the second one.
What President of the United States wore the biggest hat? It's-it's easy, Batman.
- The one with the biggest head.
- 'Of course.
' Don't you see what they mean? Biggest head.
That's gotta be the famous skyscraper head office of the Gotham City National Bank.
The Riddler's gonna go inside and cart the loot outside.
Well, well.
We've come a long way from the prime minister's exploding cake.
Or have we? Nice listening, Robin.
Aw, gee, it was nothin', Batman.
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's call Commissioner Gordon and wrap this up.
And now, even as the fearless minions of the law converge on the head office of the Gotham City National Bank.
.
miles away, The Riddler and his gang are about to come up under the Moldavian Pavilion at the Gotham City World's Fair.
Holy red snapper.
Has Batman goofed? But it's so utterly fabulous, Your Excellency.
It's simply too much.
It's famous mammoth of Moldavia, dear lady.
Found in ice many centuries ago.
Worshiped by the peoples of my country.
Notice priceless jewels in eyes and elsewhere.
Beast is stuffed exclusively with used postage stamps from ancient kingdom of Moldavia.
Very cheap stuffing then but now, worth unspeakable fortune to stamp collectors.
Ah.
All hooked up, chief.
The air vent to the pavilion.
Turn them on.
Wait for my signal.
Good evening, my friends.
One and all.
Ha ha.
Hello, hello, hello.
He-ello.
what is that? It appears to be a vulgar, low comedian.
Has anybody seen my friend, The Curse? Curse who? Gesundheit.
Oh, I see.
Curse who? Gesundheit.
Oh, that's delightful! Did you hear about Greta Garbo? She dreamed one night she sprinkled six boxes of grass seed in her hair and woke up moaning, "I vant to be a lawn.
" I can't bear it, darling.
Easy, my friend.
That's the signal.
Quickly, boys.
Quickly.
Move quickly.
Quick.
That it.
Move those cups out of the way.
Get your cables set.
Rig your hoist and bring that mammoth to the hole.
Faster, faster, faster.
We can't wait all night.
'This joke's on you, Riddler.
' When's a donkey spelled with one letter? When it's 'U.
' A Trojan mammoth.
Oh.
Thought we were at the bank, huh? The police went there as a ruse.
I had your clues wrong but Batman solved them.
The biggest head.
The fabulous mammoth of Moldavia.
With jewels on the outside and priceless postage stamps inside.
Get them, boys.
Get them or it's curtains.
The Riddler, watch him.
He's running for the rathole.
Back, Batman.
Back.
If this gas ignites, it'll blow you to kingdom come.
You venal viper.
Case dismissed, sir? You mean The Riddler's lawsuit against Batman? Precisely, Master Dick.
According to the report on the wireless the plaintiff failed to appear.
I wonder.
Got him, Bruce.
The blast of that laughing gas.
- It must have got him.
- Who knows, Dick? The police never found a body.
The Prince of Puzzlers may well have escaped underground to baffle us another day.
That meanswe failed? No, Dick.
No.
Don't say that.
The Molehill Mob in jail the mammoth of Moldavia is saved.
If it hadn't been for us, the theft of that behemoth could've led to an ugly international incident.
When you put it that way, Bruce yes, I see you're right.
I have only one regret in the whole affair.
One thing that makes me heartsick.
Molly? You kinda liked her, didn't you? If only I could've helped her somehow.
Weaned her from that tragic alliance with the underworld 'which led to.
.
' Dear me, Bruce.
I hope you're not speaking of any young lady we know.
I mean, the thought of Dick being exposed to any criminal element is.
.
Rest at ease, Aunt Harriet.
The young lady won't trouble us.
She's merely someone I pass like a ship in the night.
Now vanished like a puff of smoke.
Dick.
Like some help with that algebra? Sure would, Bruce.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman
The Dynamic Duo.
.
pinned The Riddler's ears back.
But he tricked them.
.
with a million dollar lawsuit against Batman.
Glee for The Riddler.
Gloom for Batman.
But then, a fresh clue which led Batman into a Batusi trap.
Which laid him low.
And then Robin got it, in the arm.
The Riddler had it made.
Gotham City was aghast.
Robin seemed utterly doomed.
But waitthe worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Comes the dawn.
A bright, shining dawn over stately Wayne Manor.
But in the depths of the secret Bat-cave no birds sing.
Robin, repeat.
Your homing transmitter.
.
turn it on, boy.
- Yes.
- It's Mrs.
Cooper, sir.
She's noticed your beds weren't slept in.
She's having a fit.
Tell her that Dick and I are spending the night at my uncle's house.
That should put her at ease.
Very good, sir.
I must say, this youth's face makes an excellent impression.
You sure are a card, Riddler.
Yes, my pretty.
In this little game, Iam the ace of trump.
Make a positive from instant Compound X then get into your outfit while I bait the Bat-trap.
Where am I? Where's.
.
- Riddler! - 'Mm-hmm.
' You fiend! What's the meaning of this? - Where is Batman? - Hanging.
- What? - Hanging by his phone, I hope.
Call him, get him through police headquarters on that famous hotline.
I wish to pose him another amusing problem.
You've flipped your lid.
You think I'm gonna help you in some rotten criminal scheme? You're scared.
You're really scared that I'll outwit your Batman yet again.
Alright.
It'll be a cold day in August when we're scared of you! Give me that telephone.
- 'Commissioner, this is Robin.
' - Robin? Where are you? We tried the signal.
Are you alright? Can you plug me into the hotline? Yes, of course.
Hold on.
Operator, plug 0-3 into the Bat-line.
Trace it.
Record it.
- Yes.
- 'Batman, it's Robin.
' Robin, old chum.
Where are you? Ho ho, ha ha.
Remember me, old chum? You jolly devil.
Harm one hair of that boy's head-- Riddle me twice, Batman.
What kind of pins are used in soup? - Terrapins, Batman.
- Right.
Very good.
What was Joan of Arc made of? Joan of Arc was.
.
Maid of Orleans.
That's where you'll find him.
Happy hunting.
Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
I'll get out of this myself the same way I got in.
Robin.
Robin! 'Robin!' Terrapins.
Orleans.
Of course.
The old turtle mill at Orleans Cove.
Riddler, you fiend.
Fantastic, pretty lady.
Uncanny! Don the belt.
Onto the Bat-hunt.
Turn on the homing transmitter.
Done.
Hold on, old fellow.
I'm getting you.
I don't believe it.
It didn't happen.
Shut up.
Tighten seatbelt.
Don crash helmet.
He'll give us the Bat-ray any moment now.
Perfect.
The Bat-ray's conked our ignition.
Hold tight.
Here we go.
Robin.
Robin.
What's he done to you? I get it.
The affected your vocal cords, eh? Take it easy, old fella.
Don't try to talk.
We'll have you fixed up in no time at all.
Don't move.
I'll get the universal drug antidote.
Reach, Batman.
Well, Molly.
I was wondering when you'd get around to that.
'What? You mean you saw through my disguise?' A criminal always makes one mistake, Molly.
Those straws you gave Robin to breathe through I spotted the defect in the mask instantly.
That was the one hole in your plan.
Well, there are gonna be some holes in you, Batman.
Foolish girl.
You were so bent on your murderous scheme you failed to notice.
In the BatmobileI burned off your revolver's firing pin 'with a hidden Bat-laser beam.
' Molly.
Molly, stop.
You're climbing into the Batmobile's nuclear power source.
Ah! Help! Help! Stay where you are, Molly.
Don't move a muscle.
I'll come and get you.
Wait, Molly.
Molly.
Don't panic.
Reach, Molly.
I can't.
I'm-I'm too scared.
I'm slipping.
Oh, Batman! Poor, deluded girl.
If only she'd have let me save her.
What a terrible way to go.
'Don't fall for it, Batman.
It sounds too easy.
' 'I'll get out of this myself, the same way I got in.
' Hopeless.
Broke off before we could make the trace.
It's not even a good recording.
All those devilish rumbling noises.
You're wrong, chief.
Those noises are our salvation.
What? Those noises? Subway trains, commissioner.
Quick, get me a timing on this tape and a complete set of subway schedules.
The Batmobile will do the rest.
Right.
Mother of mercy! What's it doing now? Checking with the main computer in the Bat-cave.
Automatic radio link.
The answer should be back any second now.
Coolidge Square Station.
Commissioner, phone ahead.
Have them clear the platforms.
Right.
- Hi, Batman.
- Hi.
Molly should've been back by now with Batman's scalp.
I wonder what went awry? You went awry, Riddler.
Years ago.
Don't you know that crime never pays.
Ha ha ha.
Ho ho ho.
He he he.
Holy smoke.
Surrender, you rat.
What's that? Holy showcase.
A sheet of bulletproof glass.
Batman, listen.
Don't look so blue.
Their final caper is set for tonight.
- And I know what it is.
- What do you know? I played possum.
I heard The Riddler making up some tricky clues.
Listen.
How many sides is a circle? Answer, two.
- Inside and outside.
Right? - Right.
Here's the second one.
What President of the United States wore the biggest hat? It's-it's easy, Batman.
- The one with the biggest head.
- 'Of course.
' Don't you see what they mean? Biggest head.
That's gotta be the famous skyscraper head office of the Gotham City National Bank.
The Riddler's gonna go inside and cart the loot outside.
Well, well.
We've come a long way from the prime minister's exploding cake.
Or have we? Nice listening, Robin.
Aw, gee, it was nothin', Batman.
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's call Commissioner Gordon and wrap this up.
And now, even as the fearless minions of the law converge on the head office of the Gotham City National Bank.
.
miles away, The Riddler and his gang are about to come up under the Moldavian Pavilion at the Gotham City World's Fair.
Holy red snapper.
Has Batman goofed? But it's so utterly fabulous, Your Excellency.
It's simply too much.
It's famous mammoth of Moldavia, dear lady.
Found in ice many centuries ago.
Worshiped by the peoples of my country.
Notice priceless jewels in eyes and elsewhere.
Beast is stuffed exclusively with used postage stamps from ancient kingdom of Moldavia.
Very cheap stuffing then but now, worth unspeakable fortune to stamp collectors.
Ah.
All hooked up, chief.
The air vent to the pavilion.
Turn them on.
Wait for my signal.
Good evening, my friends.
One and all.
Ha ha.
Hello, hello, hello.
He-ello.
what is that? It appears to be a vulgar, low comedian.
Has anybody seen my friend, The Curse? Curse who? Gesundheit.
Oh, I see.
Curse who? Gesundheit.
Oh, that's delightful! Did you hear about Greta Garbo? She dreamed one night she sprinkled six boxes of grass seed in her hair and woke up moaning, "I vant to be a lawn.
" I can't bear it, darling.
Easy, my friend.
That's the signal.
Quickly, boys.
Quickly.
Move quickly.
Quick.
That it.
Move those cups out of the way.
Get your cables set.
Rig your hoist and bring that mammoth to the hole.
Faster, faster, faster.
We can't wait all night.
'This joke's on you, Riddler.
' When's a donkey spelled with one letter? When it's 'U.
' A Trojan mammoth.
Oh.
Thought we were at the bank, huh? The police went there as a ruse.
I had your clues wrong but Batman solved them.
The biggest head.
The fabulous mammoth of Moldavia.
With jewels on the outside and priceless postage stamps inside.
Get them, boys.
Get them or it's curtains.
The Riddler, watch him.
He's running for the rathole.
Back, Batman.
Back.
If this gas ignites, it'll blow you to kingdom come.
You venal viper.
Case dismissed, sir? You mean The Riddler's lawsuit against Batman? Precisely, Master Dick.
According to the report on the wireless the plaintiff failed to appear.
I wonder.
Got him, Bruce.
The blast of that laughing gas.
- It must have got him.
- Who knows, Dick? The police never found a body.
The Prince of Puzzlers may well have escaped underground to baffle us another day.
That meanswe failed? No, Dick.
No.
Don't say that.
The Molehill Mob in jail the mammoth of Moldavia is saved.
If it hadn't been for us, the theft of that behemoth could've led to an ugly international incident.
When you put it that way, Bruce yes, I see you're right.
I have only one regret in the whole affair.
One thing that makes me heartsick.
Molly? You kinda liked her, didn't you? If only I could've helped her somehow.
Weaned her from that tragic alliance with the underworld 'which led to.
.
' Dear me, Bruce.
I hope you're not speaking of any young lady we know.
I mean, the thought of Dick being exposed to any criminal element is.
.
Rest at ease, Aunt Harriet.
The young lady won't trouble us.
She's merely someone I pass like a ship in the night.
Now vanished like a puff of smoke.
Dick.
Like some help with that algebra? Sure would, Bruce.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman