Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Writing Tickets for Makeup Violations
Man: Would you mind taking a picture? Girl: Sure, yeah.
Oh, very nice of you.
We actually I proposed to my wife right here on this spot 40 years ago.
Oh, wow.
That's Yeah, do you believe that? So, we thought, we're here visiting, and we thought we'd get a picture.
I know that it's changed a little bit.
But I'll get over there and I'll tell you when.
And thank you so much.
Yeah.
They are! Here, get up there.
Yeah.
Okay.
Aaaaah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She fell! We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Hey! We're not gonna take it Take my picture! No, we ain't gonna take it - * we're not gonna take it * - Oh, my God! Anymore Hit me! - * We're not gonna take it * - Come back here! - * No, we ain't gonna take it * - Say "big boobs.
" We're not gonna take it anymore Aaaaaah! Oh! [Gasps.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, hi, there, and welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I can't wait to show you my friends messing with people's minds.
And the minds that they're messing with are the young and impressionable.
Sorry, but that's the way we roll.
All right.
[Needle buzzing.]
And done! [Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, don't be such a wuss.
[Whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
[Car alarm chirps.]
Excuse me.
Could you help me? I can't get my car to open.
Could you try it for me? [Car alarm chirps.]
[Surf music plays.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Aaaaaaah! Ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba whoo! Hi.
Hi.
- Could you help me? - Uh-huh.
My future daughter-in-law thinks that I ought to get with the 21st century, that I should text her instead of calling her.
She's getting ready to marry my future daughter-in-law.
She's gonna marry my son.
Aww, how cute.
[Chuckles.]
Would you mind texting her for me? [Laughs.]
I can't see the keyboard.
- Okay, what did she say? - Okay.
- Okay, so, what do you want to say? - "Dear Donna.
" Oh, you're good.
"I wish you and Dougie," that's my son, "the very best on your wedding day even though I still think you're a gold-digging tramp.
" [Laughs.]
Okay.
You want tramp to be capitals? Yes.
Okay.
In capital.
"Love, Ruth.
" - Exclamation? - Yeah.
- "Love, Ruth.
" - Love, Ruth? XOXO.
XOXO.
Ruth.
Okay.
Could you read it back? Yeah.
Okay, you said, "dear Donna, I wish you and Dougie the very best on your wedding day, even though I still think you're a gold-digging tramp.
XOXOXO.
" What a wonderful message.
Send? - Send.
- Okay.
Love, Ruth.
There you go.
That'll show her that I joined the 21st century.
[Laughs.]
See you, guys.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Bye.
[Both laugh.]
Is this real? ahh ahh ahh ahh is this real? ahh ahh ahh ahh oooh oooh oooh oooh having a party from 5:00 to 9:00 you look so good and I'm feeling fine Saturday night, and it just felt so right I'll pick you up in my Cadillac oh, yeah oh, yeah oh, yeah oh, yeah keep on dancing till the morning light could be having a ball we're gonna do it right whoa, yeah, oh I'm just a boy with a new, new haircut waiting for a girl I'm sitting on the pavement in the red hot sun she makes my head swirl Corner pocket.
Oh.
My goodness.
Grooving on a girl who wears blue, blue velvet she don't wear no frown she don't have no money by the rich man's world but that don't put her down wow! A nasty spill at my age would really slow me down, so I make sure to take a few basic precautions.
And lift.
You know what they say.
"Beneath every great woman are four scantily-clad men.
" And mush.
So, you guys want me to take a picture of all three of you together? Yeah, man.
That'd be great.
Yeah, all right.
Okay, on three, everybody say "big boobs.
" [Camera shutter clicking.]
As you can see, I'm having a yard sale.
It's a great way to get rid of unwanted treasures.
Ah, see anything you like? Uh, not really.
Oh, well, what about a Best Actor Award? Are you kidding me? I could never take that.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm not sentimental.
[Chuckles.]
Besides, I'm Betty White.
I've got more where that came from.
[Laughing.]
Wow.
Uh, so, what do you say? $100? Uh, yes, of course! Are you kidding me? Here.
Oh.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
[Talking indistinctly.]
Truth is, that one isn't mine.
I won it from Kelsey Grammer in a poker game.
[Laughs.]
[Clears throat.]
I'll put this in the bag.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Do you mind? Thank you.
You mind if I smoke? Oh, no problem.
Thank you.
Um, you know, this was my husband's favorite bus bench.
Really? He'd come home from work every day from here.
Is that him right there? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
It's my Hugo.
He loved this this bus bench.
He loved coming home to me.
Goodbye, Hugo.
[Sighs.]
I know.
I know it'll make him very happy to be here.
[Smooch.]
Bye, Hugo.
What the [Bleep.]
Yeah, I see, I see, but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be ooh, ooh ooh, ooh No, I was wasted.
It was a crazy party.
I ended up taking home a 22-year-old.
He was lousy in bed.
Yeah, but he didn't have any condoms, so now I'm really worried.
No.
I mean, I don't want to get pregnant.
Well, I do.
Oh! What a great idea.
The morning after pill? Oh, girlfriend, you saved my life.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
Oh.
Hi.
What's up, man? My tooth is killing me.
I I was up all last night with a terrible toothache.
You know, I I called my dentist.
He can't get me in till next week.
- Aw, damn.
- Next week, huh? That's tough.
Yeah.
Do me a favor.
Would you hold this for a sec? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Screw it.
I'm gonna take care of it myself.
No way.
No.
No.
Don't do that right here.
Dude, you're f you're kidding me.
No! No! No! [Grunting.]
No, dude.
Don't do it.
[Grunts.]
[Panting.]
You crazy son of a bitch.
- Oh, wow.
- All right.
Whoo.
Wow.
It's so much better.
I should have done that a week ago.
Crazy I get to be crazy crazy I used to be crazy [Indistinct singing.]
Crazy [Indistinct singing.]
Crazy whoa! I hope my bag hasn't come out yet.
I partied for three nights in Vegas, and I am so wasted.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
That's what Vegas does to you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and I have such a hangover you wouldn't believe.
[Sighs.]
You ever done that? Yeah.
Okay.
Here comes my bag.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm okay.
Okay.
Oh, it's good to be back in reality in the real world.
You know, you party and you party, but there comes a time when you have to Oh, my goodness.
When you have to get back in the real world.
Bless you.
- Bless you.
See you later.
- Thank you.
Sister, sister, sacred soul sister, sister, don't leave me alone Excuse me.
Don't mean to interrupt you.
My name is Richard.
Hi, there.
Your name? Laila.
Laila.
Thank you, Laila.
Target confirmed.
Approach with caution.
I'm gonna clear the area.
Take her down.
What? What is this? Oh, young man.
Could you please help me out? I'm I'm I'm I don't know how to get out of this.
You have to take the shirt off.
Take the shirt off? Like, you have to slide, probably.
Slide out? Yeah, what happened? How did this happen? I have no idea.
I lost my balance, and the next thing I knew, I was in this jam here.
No, yeah no, like, take the Like this? Yep, and then put your hands up.
[Siren wails.]
Well, maybe, could you hold my arms? - Yeah, no.
No.
Yeah.
Hold your arms.
- Like that? Okay.
All right.
All right.
That's good.
Let me see if I can oh.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, you might have to slide out.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
- I'll take the hat.
- Hold my hat.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, like slide down underneath there.
Oh.
- Are you there? - Yeah, I'm here.
I'm here.
Okay.
I'm right here.
All right.
I have a little claustrophobia.
- Really? - Yeah.
Just take your shirt off.
Is everything okay? Take the shirt off your head.
Yeah, I don't know.
- I got to I got to get back up.
- You got to get back up.
I got a cramp here.
Pull me up here with this.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I have to go to class, sir.
Here you go.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
[Rhythmic whistling.]
[Chuckles.]
Isn't this so terrific? To me, it's like one big party like the one I had last night.
Sure, things can get a little messy, maybe a little out of control, but in the end, all that matters is a good time was had [Straining.]
by all.
[Grunts.]
Oh, no.
Look at that.
We're out of salsa.
Ahhhhhhh ohhh You realize that you're two-and-a-half feet from the curb? Ah.
Is she with you? Uh-huh.
That box is over the size of the limit for that automobile.
It's vehicle obstruction.
But can I just ask how that's obstructing? Can I ask how that's obstructing? - Stand back, please.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I I I really just I need to know this.
You know why.
I really don't.
You know why.
That'll fit in my trunk, and it won't obstruct my view.
Yes, but she was putting it in the back seat.
All right, what's in the box? Do you want to see my receipt? I just bought it from the co-op.
Is that a weapon in your left hand? No, this is a it's a T-square.
Backup requested, please.
Man: Roger 2219, request for backup.
I would like you to place that place that weapon on the on the sidewalk.
Okay.
Just remain where you are.
Are you gonna be the girl who holds my hand? who understands who I am? Excuse me.
Yes? Do you see a gentleman over there in a yellow sweater? Yeah.
That's my husband, but he's been dead for three weeks.
Oh, this is freaking me out.
I got to go.
Oh, God.
My wife thinks I've been dead for three weeks.
And it's been great.
[Chuckles.]
[Surf music plays.]
People tell me, "Betty, you're always gallivanting all over town with hot, young studs.
What about men your own age? Don't they deserve love, too?" Well, of course, they do.
Isn't that right, Michael? I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
[Chuckles.]
That's so cute.
[Sighs.]
I'll get the paddles.
Another grape? [Mid-tempo music plays.]
Say, do you know a body shop around here that takes cash, no questions asked? No.
I got to get the hell out of here.
[Engine turns over.]
we're not gonna take it anymore no way Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Have you ever tried this, this bread? Really? Actually, no, I have, yeah.
Wow, it's really, like, a lot of bread.
I don't need this much.
Well.
Good call.
[Sighs.]
[Beeps.]
I have to use the washroom.
Would you watch this for a sec? Yes.
Absolutely, sir.
Thank you.
Baby, come back to me baby, come back to me I really need you badly baby, come back to me please come home I'll hold you, dear and keep you warm in this winter of love I will keep you warm in this winter of love Excuse me.
You got 30 seconds.
Excuse me? I'd get out of here if I were you.
Cops were there and stuff like that.
You can't say I didn't warn ya.
And then this guy [Ah-oogah!.]
He tried to warn you.
[Chuckles.]
What a great show.
I didn't get to see it all, 'cause I've been working so hard on this embroidery.
[Chuckles.]
Well, what do you think? "George Clooney slept here.
" [Chuckles.]
Oh, good times.
Well, that's it for now.
We'll see you next time.
Oh, very nice of you.
We actually I proposed to my wife right here on this spot 40 years ago.
Oh, wow.
That's Yeah, do you believe that? So, we thought, we're here visiting, and we thought we'd get a picture.
I know that it's changed a little bit.
But I'll get over there and I'll tell you when.
And thank you so much.
Yeah.
They are! Here, get up there.
Yeah.
Okay.
Aaaaah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She fell! We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Hey! We're not gonna take it Take my picture! No, we ain't gonna take it - * we're not gonna take it * - Oh, my God! Anymore Hit me! - * We're not gonna take it * - Come back here! - * No, we ain't gonna take it * - Say "big boobs.
" We're not gonna take it anymore Aaaaaah! Oh! [Gasps.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, hi, there, and welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I can't wait to show you my friends messing with people's minds.
And the minds that they're messing with are the young and impressionable.
Sorry, but that's the way we roll.
All right.
[Needle buzzing.]
And done! [Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, don't be such a wuss.
[Whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
[Car alarm chirps.]
Excuse me.
Could you help me? I can't get my car to open.
Could you try it for me? [Car alarm chirps.]
[Surf music plays.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Aaaaaaah! Ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba whoo! Hi.
Hi.
- Could you help me? - Uh-huh.
My future daughter-in-law thinks that I ought to get with the 21st century, that I should text her instead of calling her.
She's getting ready to marry my future daughter-in-law.
She's gonna marry my son.
Aww, how cute.
[Chuckles.]
Would you mind texting her for me? [Laughs.]
I can't see the keyboard.
- Okay, what did she say? - Okay.
- Okay, so, what do you want to say? - "Dear Donna.
" Oh, you're good.
"I wish you and Dougie," that's my son, "the very best on your wedding day even though I still think you're a gold-digging tramp.
" [Laughs.]
Okay.
You want tramp to be capitals? Yes.
Okay.
In capital.
"Love, Ruth.
" - Exclamation? - Yeah.
- "Love, Ruth.
" - Love, Ruth? XOXO.
XOXO.
Ruth.
Okay.
Could you read it back? Yeah.
Okay, you said, "dear Donna, I wish you and Dougie the very best on your wedding day, even though I still think you're a gold-digging tramp.
XOXOXO.
" What a wonderful message.
Send? - Send.
- Okay.
Love, Ruth.
There you go.
That'll show her that I joined the 21st century.
[Laughs.]
See you, guys.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Bye.
[Both laugh.]
Is this real? ahh ahh ahh ahh is this real? ahh ahh ahh ahh oooh oooh oooh oooh having a party from 5:00 to 9:00 you look so good and I'm feeling fine Saturday night, and it just felt so right I'll pick you up in my Cadillac oh, yeah oh, yeah oh, yeah oh, yeah keep on dancing till the morning light could be having a ball we're gonna do it right whoa, yeah, oh I'm just a boy with a new, new haircut waiting for a girl I'm sitting on the pavement in the red hot sun she makes my head swirl Corner pocket.
Oh.
My goodness.
Grooving on a girl who wears blue, blue velvet she don't wear no frown she don't have no money by the rich man's world but that don't put her down wow! A nasty spill at my age would really slow me down, so I make sure to take a few basic precautions.
And lift.
You know what they say.
"Beneath every great woman are four scantily-clad men.
" And mush.
So, you guys want me to take a picture of all three of you together? Yeah, man.
That'd be great.
Yeah, all right.
Okay, on three, everybody say "big boobs.
" [Camera shutter clicking.]
As you can see, I'm having a yard sale.
It's a great way to get rid of unwanted treasures.
Ah, see anything you like? Uh, not really.
Oh, well, what about a Best Actor Award? Are you kidding me? I could never take that.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm not sentimental.
[Chuckles.]
Besides, I'm Betty White.
I've got more where that came from.
[Laughing.]
Wow.
Uh, so, what do you say? $100? Uh, yes, of course! Are you kidding me? Here.
Oh.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
[Talking indistinctly.]
Truth is, that one isn't mine.
I won it from Kelsey Grammer in a poker game.
[Laughs.]
[Clears throat.]
I'll put this in the bag.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Do you mind? Thank you.
You mind if I smoke? Oh, no problem.
Thank you.
Um, you know, this was my husband's favorite bus bench.
Really? He'd come home from work every day from here.
Is that him right there? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
It's my Hugo.
He loved this this bus bench.
He loved coming home to me.
Goodbye, Hugo.
[Sighs.]
I know.
I know it'll make him very happy to be here.
[Smooch.]
Bye, Hugo.
What the [Bleep.]
Yeah, I see, I see, but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be ooh, ooh ooh, ooh No, I was wasted.
It was a crazy party.
I ended up taking home a 22-year-old.
He was lousy in bed.
Yeah, but he didn't have any condoms, so now I'm really worried.
No.
I mean, I don't want to get pregnant.
Well, I do.
Oh! What a great idea.
The morning after pill? Oh, girlfriend, you saved my life.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
Oh.
Hi.
What's up, man? My tooth is killing me.
I I was up all last night with a terrible toothache.
You know, I I called my dentist.
He can't get me in till next week.
- Aw, damn.
- Next week, huh? That's tough.
Yeah.
Do me a favor.
Would you hold this for a sec? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Screw it.
I'm gonna take care of it myself.
No way.
No.
No.
Don't do that right here.
Dude, you're f you're kidding me.
No! No! No! [Grunting.]
No, dude.
Don't do it.
[Grunts.]
[Panting.]
You crazy son of a bitch.
- Oh, wow.
- All right.
Whoo.
Wow.
It's so much better.
I should have done that a week ago.
Crazy I get to be crazy crazy I used to be crazy [Indistinct singing.]
Crazy [Indistinct singing.]
Crazy whoa! I hope my bag hasn't come out yet.
I partied for three nights in Vegas, and I am so wasted.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
That's what Vegas does to you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and I have such a hangover you wouldn't believe.
[Sighs.]
You ever done that? Yeah.
Okay.
Here comes my bag.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm okay.
Okay.
Oh, it's good to be back in reality in the real world.
You know, you party and you party, but there comes a time when you have to Oh, my goodness.
When you have to get back in the real world.
Bless you.
- Bless you.
See you later.
- Thank you.
Sister, sister, sacred soul sister, sister, don't leave me alone Excuse me.
Don't mean to interrupt you.
My name is Richard.
Hi, there.
Your name? Laila.
Laila.
Thank you, Laila.
Target confirmed.
Approach with caution.
I'm gonna clear the area.
Take her down.
What? What is this? Oh, young man.
Could you please help me out? I'm I'm I'm I don't know how to get out of this.
You have to take the shirt off.
Take the shirt off? Like, you have to slide, probably.
Slide out? Yeah, what happened? How did this happen? I have no idea.
I lost my balance, and the next thing I knew, I was in this jam here.
No, yeah no, like, take the Like this? Yep, and then put your hands up.
[Siren wails.]
Well, maybe, could you hold my arms? - Yeah, no.
No.
Yeah.
Hold your arms.
- Like that? Okay.
All right.
All right.
That's good.
Let me see if I can oh.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, you might have to slide out.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
- I'll take the hat.
- Hold my hat.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, like slide down underneath there.
Oh.
- Are you there? - Yeah, I'm here.
I'm here.
Okay.
I'm right here.
All right.
I have a little claustrophobia.
- Really? - Yeah.
Just take your shirt off.
Is everything okay? Take the shirt off your head.
Yeah, I don't know.
- I got to I got to get back up.
- You got to get back up.
I got a cramp here.
Pull me up here with this.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I have to go to class, sir.
Here you go.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
[Rhythmic whistling.]
[Chuckles.]
Isn't this so terrific? To me, it's like one big party like the one I had last night.
Sure, things can get a little messy, maybe a little out of control, but in the end, all that matters is a good time was had [Straining.]
by all.
[Grunts.]
Oh, no.
Look at that.
We're out of salsa.
Ahhhhhhh ohhh You realize that you're two-and-a-half feet from the curb? Ah.
Is she with you? Uh-huh.
That box is over the size of the limit for that automobile.
It's vehicle obstruction.
But can I just ask how that's obstructing? Can I ask how that's obstructing? - Stand back, please.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I I I really just I need to know this.
You know why.
I really don't.
You know why.
That'll fit in my trunk, and it won't obstruct my view.
Yes, but she was putting it in the back seat.
All right, what's in the box? Do you want to see my receipt? I just bought it from the co-op.
Is that a weapon in your left hand? No, this is a it's a T-square.
Backup requested, please.
Man: Roger 2219, request for backup.
I would like you to place that place that weapon on the on the sidewalk.
Okay.
Just remain where you are.
Are you gonna be the girl who holds my hand? who understands who I am? Excuse me.
Yes? Do you see a gentleman over there in a yellow sweater? Yeah.
That's my husband, but he's been dead for three weeks.
Oh, this is freaking me out.
I got to go.
Oh, God.
My wife thinks I've been dead for three weeks.
And it's been great.
[Chuckles.]
[Surf music plays.]
People tell me, "Betty, you're always gallivanting all over town with hot, young studs.
What about men your own age? Don't they deserve love, too?" Well, of course, they do.
Isn't that right, Michael? I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
[Chuckles.]
That's so cute.
[Sighs.]
I'll get the paddles.
Another grape? [Mid-tempo music plays.]
Say, do you know a body shop around here that takes cash, no questions asked? No.
I got to get the hell out of here.
[Engine turns over.]
we're not gonna take it anymore no way Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Have you ever tried this, this bread? Really? Actually, no, I have, yeah.
Wow, it's really, like, a lot of bread.
I don't need this much.
Well.
Good call.
[Sighs.]
[Beeps.]
I have to use the washroom.
Would you watch this for a sec? Yes.
Absolutely, sir.
Thank you.
Baby, come back to me baby, come back to me I really need you badly baby, come back to me please come home I'll hold you, dear and keep you warm in this winter of love I will keep you warm in this winter of love Excuse me.
You got 30 seconds.
Excuse me? I'd get out of here if I were you.
Cops were there and stuff like that.
You can't say I didn't warn ya.
And then this guy [Ah-oogah!.]
He tried to warn you.
[Chuckles.]
What a great show.
I didn't get to see it all, 'cause I've been working so hard on this embroidery.
[Chuckles.]
Well, what do you think? "George Clooney slept here.
" [Chuckles.]
Oh, good times.
Well, that's it for now.
We'll see you next time.