Camping (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
Yeah, there's absolutely no damage
to his eye whatsoever.
There's nothing there, OK?
-Great.
-So, listen,
I want you to go away and I want you
to enjoy the rest of your holiday.
Well, he does have other symptoms,
actually.
He's got quite a lot of
different conditions.
Yeah, OK, well, we've examined his
eye and there's nothing wrong with
-his eye.
-Sorry, let me finish.
He's dyslexic
and, you know, possibly dyspraxic.
He's got some rumblings of eczema.
It's just a freckle, darling.
It's not a freckle. That is eczema.
I know it when I see it.
And he's also, erm
Well, he's asthmatic.
Right, has he got inhalers?
Yes, yes. He's got the blue pump
and the brown pump.
Great. And is he using
the brown pump?
Yes, he normally does two brown
-pumps every morning.
-Good.
And if he's feeling tight,
he'll squeeze in another
pump in the afternoon.
-OK.
-And blue pump is really
just an emergency
Top-up at nighttop-up pump.
Is he topping up at night?
-Yes.
-Not that often, though.
Well, no, just every night.
There were some other issues.
I'm so sorry, but we just
had accident on the cliffs
and I think we're going to have
an influx of people.
So, we really need the bed space.
-That's awful, awful.
-I know,
but we need the bed space.
Come on, Archie, let's
Just, I mean, quickly,
before they get here then,
I wonder if you wouldn't mind having
just a very quick look at his anus.
-His anus?
-Yes.
It's just, I'm very
I'm actually concerned
that, erm, he might
have more than one.
-Oh.
-I love those poufs.
Poufs, yeah. Footstools.
-Yeah.
-Chairs for children.
-Fantastic.
-They're kind of like
elephants' feet or something.
Yeah. Red and white.
Like a bleeding elephant
-or something.
-Yeah.
Hey, guys.
-Hey!
-How are you?
OK.
Amazing place, isn't it?
It's incredible. I love
covered arcades like this.
It's just a fantastic
-way to shop.
-Yeah.
Shelter.
What's going on?
Can I nick a rollie, actually?
I just really fancy one.
Thank you. Cheers.
I'll have one, too, actually, mate.
You don't smoke, Tom.
Thanks, Mum.
Your hair looks nice, Tom.
Yeah? Thank you.
I think of you as more receding.
-Bald.
-Right.
Well, I mean, it was thinning a bit,
but it's exploded back into my life.
So, what, it justrejuvenated?
Absolutely, it's rejuvenated.
-All over?
-Pretty much.
What are you, er?
You want me to show you?
No, it's It's back with a bang.
I don't know why.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm not Stephen Hawking,
but I think maybe it's just
because I'm spending time
with someone who, er
has such a vital energy, you know?
So were you completely bald?
No, no. I was just kind of
I was thinning. You just kind
of catch a certain light
and you might see, you'd see scalp,
buteveryone has that.
Come here.
It's intriguing.
SHE GASPS
O-M-G.
I just love stuff like this.
I love tat and
-Hi.
-Hi.
We're just saying what a fabulous
shop you're maintaining here.
It's terrific. Big congrats.
Is this original?
Yes. Yes, it's,
eran original brush.
Yeah? Well, it certainly works.
Thank you.
-Is that real pearls?
-Yeah.
-That is beautiful.
-Pretty.
Yeah.
Pearls are found in, erm
-oysters.
-Really?
-Yes.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They occur in the sea.
Oh, my God. We should totally get
-some oysters tonight.
-Yeah! Yeah!
You can get some oysters from
You can get a bag of them.
I can't actually have them
because of my IBS,
but I will definitely
watch you eating them.
-Oh, my God.
-I don't know why I'm
whispering! They're an aphrodisiac.
That's a fact.
That's not an opinion.
But that means it's just
going to be me that's
They CAN make you sexy.
I'm not complaining.
Oh, wow, that's so cool.
What's the? What's the
provenance of this? How did it?
It belonged to, erm,
Ian Astbury of The Cult.
(No way.)No!
-Pop band, '80s.
-I mean,
I don't know their music,
but I'm fully aware of the impact
they made. I mean, that's
Before him, it,
it was worn by the
the one-armed drummer
in Def Leppard.
-Def Leppard.
-Oh, God, yeah, yeah.
This is He just carried
on drumming, didn't he?
With his stick jammed into his ulna.
Yeah.
So, how did Ian Astbury
Did he bring it in, like he'd
had enough of it, or?
I It was in his
dressing room at the time.
So you You took it?
I I left him a note.
Is thatis that a real diamond?
Uh
Y-Yes, yes.
What is that? Is that a
It's a..treble clef?
-It's a treble clef.
-Yeah.
Erm And the bass clef.
Is this Ian Astbury's?
Uh Yes, yes.
I have, erma bass clef, too.
So, you can have the
Yeah, I mean, you can't have one
without the other, can you?
Actually, if you have a rummage,
there's a couple of crotchets.
And are they Ian Astbury's as well?
Yes.
Wow.
I could also, erm
throw in the abacus,
-which is over there.
-Is that his?
It belonged to the band, yes.
Would you consider doing a deal
for the Astbury material?
-Yes.
-We're talking clefs,
crotchets, amulet
-And the abacus.
-And the abacus.
Which we haven't
Which we'd be buying unseen.
I mean, I haven't
actually seen it yet.
I could do that for you.
Do you know Ian Astbury?
-No, no.
-Look at that ring.
-Oh, my word.
-Yes.
-My word.
-It's stunning, isn't it?
Oh, that's gorgeous.
-It's good.
-Love at first sight.
-Yeah.
-It is, I mean,
it is absolutely stonking.
-It's Victorian.
-Mm.
It's actually, erm
It's actually, er,
an engagement ring.
-Oh, I love it.
-It's incredible.
So, how much is it?
£500.
And you don't think
I mean, that looks like, to me,
there's one and then a
bridge or a gap
or a membrane-y bridge or something
-to another one?
-No, I just
think it's a very long anus.
-I think that's all.
-Oh, God.
-Mm-hm.
-I mean, could that resolve?
Could that shrink down?
It's unlikely to shrink.
If anything, it'll probably
get bigger as he grows.
You know, it might just
lengthen a little bit
as he grows up and so on,
if he grows up.
Well, butbut
I mean, what are you saying?
That it might get longer and
longer and longer and longer?
Well, no. You know,
it'll reach a maximum,
but then it might, kind of, start
caving in on itself, as it were.
But it's nothing to worry about.
-And what would happen then?
-Well,
he could have a small operation.
It's just vanity, no-one's really
going to be looking there anyway.
--I hope not.
-Happy?
-Yeah,
that's put my mind at rest.
OK, good. You pop
your pants up, Archie.
I'll be waiting out here, OK?
Robin, can you do it?
Thank you.
There we go.
SHE SNIFFS
SHE SNIFFS
SHE SNORTS
Babe, can you stop doing that?
Sorry. I've
I've got a cold.
Have you brushed your
teeth this morning?
Yes, of course.
Why? Does Do I?
-Does it smell?
-Just a bit, yeah.
It's probably just the virus,
the bacteria in my mouth.
Oh, my God, baby, look.
-Wow.
-Lederhosen.
Oh, achtung.
You could totally pull
those off, you know.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
You want topull my pork off?
-Hmm.
-You want some pulled pork?
You'll give me a
massive bonk-on in a moment.
Oh, my God.
God, I love your touch.
A-ha!
Can we try these on?
-Sure.
-Yeah?
Is there somewhere?
Oh, just over there?
Me? Try them on?
-Yeah.
-Throughthrough the curtain.
Oh, yeah.
But, I mean, have you come across
this kind of elongated anus before?
Um, yeah, there was one
gentleman during training,
he had quite a flabby one,
but he was fine, it didn't
restrict him in life or anything.
And you don't think he'll have
sat on something at school?
Or a set square or
something, that's?
Well, he might have, but his anus
is fine, his eye's fine.
-Thank you, doctor.
-That's all right.
-We'll justcalm down.
-Thank you.
They're very rude, aren't they?
Oh, Kerry, it's Fee.
Have you got the fish yet?
There you go. Just
don't tell your mum, OK?
-Good lad.
-Have you got the fish?
Look, have you got the fish?!
Well, why not?
Oh!
MOANING
Oh, God.
-Oh, yeah.
-Mm, mm.
Whoa, whoa.
GRUNTING
How are you getting on?
SLAPPING SOUNDS
HE GASPS AND GROANS
I'll see you outside, babe.
Sorry, it's a new belt.
This, er, this fell off. Sorry.
Oh, shit.
-I left my wallet up there.
-Oh.
It must have fallen out
of the hessian tote.
Ah! Erm, I-I left my wallet.
I really don't appreciate
people coming in here
and using this place like
some kind of knocking shop.
No, absolutely, absolutely.
Big apols. It is
the honeymoon phase,
but I am seriously in love
with all your produce here,
and I will absolutely
make a purchase.
She liked the ring.
Didn't she?
I Don't Feel Like Dancin'
by Scissor Sisters
Hey, guys, who wants some fizz?
Oh, no, well, we're not really
drinking during the day
because there are children present.
Well, they're not going
to be drinking, are they?
Well, I wouldn't mind a little glass
of fizz actually, Fay.
-Yeah?
-Yes, why not?
-Birthday fizz.
-A little bit
of 'poo on the birthday.
Birthday 'poo!
LAUGHTER
-Cheers.
-No, don't.
Kerry, do you want some
-with your juice?
-No, no.
I'm fine. No!
Adam can't, Fay.
-He's an alcoholic.
-God, I mean, tell
me about it, I'm a total alcoholic.
No, no. He has a disease.
-A disease?
-The disease
of alcoholism.
No, Adam has admitted
he's powerless over alcohol.
Big congrats, by the way, man.
God, that's such a shame.
So, have you ever tried, like,
homoeopathy or flower essences?
Flower essences have
alcohol in, don't they?
They have whisky.
Well, it's negligible I imagine.
Not if you're an alcoholic.
Will someone help me
build a sand castle?
Yes, go on, Robin.
-Go and help.
-No, no, it's fine.
Honestly, guys, it's fine. I can go.
Thanks, Fay.
-Isn't she great?
-She's really sweet.
Mm. That she is.
So, areare you in touch
with Anne at all?
I Bits and bobs.
Yeah, Kerry had her on the phone
about two in the morning, er,
fucking threatening to top herself.
Yeah, well, I mean, she was the
one who wanted to call it quits.
Yeah, but why does she always have
to call us
when she's feeling suicidal?
Exactly. I mean, you're not going
to get an argument out of me, Adam.
It's clearly a cry for help.
I mean, she wouldn't do anything.
She's got kids, hasn't she?
-Your kids.
-Exactly.
I actually really want
Fay to meet the kids.
I think, erm
I think she's a keeper.
She's seriously clever. And not,
you know, that boring clever.
She's bright. She is bright.
Yeah. And she's not in-your-face,
"I'm a scientist" clever,
but, I mean, she's got street-smart.
Emotional intelligence.
Exactly, thank you. Exactly.
Is that intelligence, though?
Well, it's not
artificial intelligence.
I mean, this is the real thing.
RELAXING MUSIC
I just wanted to say
again, you know, like,
I'm so sorry about Archie
and everything, but Mm, mm.
..I'm glad, you know, he's OK.
Well, he's not. I mean, that's the
point. He's not necessarily OK.
You know, I mean, he's comfortable,
but we do need to monitor him.
--Really?
-Yes.
-Is his eye
still painful?
Apparently, he could still
lose the sight in one eye.
Cos I really, I just want
to be really clear, Fee,
that you don't blame me.
Because, to be honest,
I noticed when I met him,
that his eyes looked quite loose.
What do you mean?
Well, just that, erm I could
just see they're quite, sort of,
maybe, quitein the sockets.
There was nothing
wrong with his eyes.
I mean, all right, that was probably
the one area that he did have
a normal working capacity.
No, I'm not He's a cute guy, boy.
I just thought one of them,
particularly the one that ended up
getting hit by the ball
Which, again, wasn't my fault.
As I say, it was wrong place, wrong
time, he couldn't defend himself,
he wasn't able to handle
the bat very well.
I don't know if I know
he's got lots of medical issues.
Yes, he does have medical issues,
which is why you should
have taken a lot more care.
And it was made clear to you
that he had medical issues,
so I don't understand why you
would go at it like that.
No, I wasn't going at it.
-You went at it.
-I really wasn't.
Well, from where I was, you
were going at it quite hard.
It sounds like I was having sex
with him or something.
-I just really resent
the implication
that you think I'm just
I wasn't for a moment
implying you were
What?! Sorry, I don't even
want to think about that.
God.
You're it!
THEY LAUGH
Robin is a really sweet guy.
-Hm.
-Yeah, you've done well, there.
Well, he's done well, too.
It's not a question of
who's done the best, is it?
Is he naturally grey?
Well, I don't I don't know anyone
who would be unnaturally grey.
-You know?
-Hm.
I mean, he was ginger.
Aww..
Yeah, I've never been out
with a ginger guy, actually.
Erm
I've been out with an Indian guy.
He was very, very small, erm
and sort of dry,
very, very tiny penis,
which, you know, which is why it's
nice to be with somebody like Tom.
Mm.
He's a bit more sort of chunky.
I imagine Robin's quite chunky.
Right. I think probably this fish
isn't going to get bought
unless I go right
-now, so excuse me.
-Oh.
46, 47, 48, 49,
50, 51, 52, 53, 54
Hey, you've got the flow.
-Nice.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah,
butcan you do this?
-Wow, that is amazing.
-Right?
Yeah, yeah.
Cool, edgy stuff.
It's a bit more street, Archie.
Do you know what I mean?
Football, it's a bit passe.
Plus, you can also DUNK on someone!
You can get right up.
Are you all right?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-You've just got to
keep watching cos I might come in.
Let's let the kids play.
ACOUSTIC GUITAR
Out, out, out, why don't
you leave me alone?
Shout, shout ♪
SHE TRAILS OFF TIMIDLY
Out, out, out,
why don't you leave me alone?
Shout, shout, shout,
baby, get off my phone
Doubt, doubt, doubt,
it's young men only
Trout, trout, trout,
you're going to hook me again
Out, out, out, why don't
you leave me alone? ♪
You're full of surprises.
Such an amazing vocal.
The fish cost double
what they quoted.
I'll be paying for the whole weekend
at this rate.
Oh, my God. Fee, let me chip in.
Oh, thanks.
Where's the wallet, babe?
I think it's in the hessian tote.
OK.
Oh, God.
So, it Whoops! Oh, God.
I think it's still partly alive.
-Oh, my God.
-Damn, babe.
It was meant to be a surprise!
-Oh, my God.
-No, no, no. Don't
-I had to get it.
-Oh, my God.
I had to get it.
Thank you.
-Do you like it?
-Yeah.
-I love it.
-Put it on.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
It's like it's part of you already.
I'm literally shaking.
It's like a
..sixth finger.
I really want to bonk you
with that ring on.
Oh, my God.
OK.
Guys
Tom and I have got an announcement.
Do we?
We're engaged.
-Oh, wow!
-Congratulations.
-Where is Archie?
-Do you remember
when you proposed,
my beautiful wife?
No, sorry, where is Archie?
I thought he was with you.
Oh, my Oh, my, God.
Where is Archie?!
Archie!
Oh, my God, he's missing.
He's been abducted!
-I knew it!
-He was here a minute ago.
Why weren't you watching him?!
You bloody fool!
Archie! Oh, my God!
Archie! Archie!
-Archie! Archie!
-Archie!
Fee, he's here!
What? Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, oh. Oh, my poppet.
Oh! Where were you?
What's that?
-A lolly.
-Right,
-where did you get that?
-The man.
Thethe man?!
All right, what man?
What man?
The man that touched my bottom.
Jesus Christ.
Where did he touch you, sweetie?
-In my bottom.
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God
No, this is happening.
This is actually happening.
Oh, my God. Right, where,
what did the man
-Somebody call the police!
-Fee! Fee!
I don't think
Shut up, this is your fault!
Ow!
All right, it's all right,
sweetheart.
It's just that Mummy
has hurt her hand.
Now, do you want some squash
or something?
Can we get him some squash?
Do you have any of that ice?
Put the fish on it.
-I'll get the fish.
-OK.
This is in ice, Robin.
OK.
It's all right. Yeah, I'm fine.
OK, that'll bring the swelling down.
OK, thanks, darling.
-At least it's all right.
-Just hold
it in place for yourself, will you?
PANTING AND GROANING
Oh, my God. It's most beautiful ring
in the world.
It's twinkly, like a distant moon.
Oh, God. It makes you look like
fucking Cinderella.
I'm totally bonking your brains out
-with the ring on.
-Oh, my God.
God, I wish you could
wear it on your cock.
-Like a cock ring?
-Yeah.
I could definitely do that.
-Won't it be too small?
-No. I think
it's made of pretty flexible metal.
Oh, God.
Maybe I could
stuff it up your Jap's eye.
I was thinking that, too.
But I think there's a risk of
infection.
-You might get an infection?
-Exactly.
We are so on the same page sexually.
Oh, my God.
Show me the ring, show me the ring.
I'm showing you the ring.
No, show it to me
in a different way.
Oh, God, that's so hot.
I'm going to kiss the ring.
Oh, God.
How does my cock feel?
Like a big pencil.
Oh, God.
Like, where is it?
In a pencil thing?
In a pencil case.
Yeah, exactly, a pencil case.
Like it's bursting out. And
all the pens are flying everywhere.
Oh, shit. And there's other stuff
-in there?
-Yeah, like rubbers.
And, maybe, like, a little troll.
You're like a wordsmith.
Now, baby,
-you know I love the ring.
-Oh, God.
And you love the ring too, right?
Yeah.
I just want to clarify Yeah.
You know the ring?
I meant it like more as a gift
than an engagement ring.
Oh, oh!
Uhh.
-Did you come?
-No.
Me too.