Crap Happens (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Dad?
"Did that kid just say 'Dad'?"
Toni thought to himself.
Did you hear what I said?
Uh… I'm your son.
"Did that kid just say, 'I'm your son'?"
Um, are you slow,
or do you just panic about everything?
Kid,
out of the road!
Both, I guess.
- Do you know where your parents are?
- Well, you're here, and Jana is gone.
Oh, you're Jana's kid, okay.
I don't know what she said,
but I'm not your father.
- You are.
- I'm not.
- You are.
- I'm not!
He is.
This is Toni's son, Charly Schrammel.
CRAP HAPPENS
VERONICA FERRES
COMPREHENSIVE SCHOOL
THE ONLY SCHOOL IN SCHITTEN
Charly Schrammel, a 7th grader
at Veronika Ferres Middle School
in Schitten-on-Havel,
was a happy kid.
Hi.
Maybe the happiest kid in all of Schitten.
Hi!
Good morning.
Charly loved going to school.
GERMAN
If Veronica Ferres has four apples
and shares them fairly among six children,
how much does each get?
He loved Veronica Ferres studies.
However the Shining Sun
Veronica Ferres happens to feel about it.
That's what's fair.
Our Shining Sun, Veronica Ferres.
Our Shining Sun.
Take out your geometry books.
Today, we're studying the angles
Veronica Ferres finds beautiful.
Yeah!
SCHEDULE
And he loved music.
SCHOOL BAND PRACTICE
He loved spending his afternoons
playing in the school band…
…which was run
by Toni's old school friend, Paule.
Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Take a lot of pain
Oh, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Causing a lot of rain…
Charly was on a high.
Everything was amazing right now
because Charly was in love.
In love with…
Love hurts
Um, no.
In love with Sascha.
Sascha.
It was that kind of all-consuming love
you only feel when you're 13.
Consume me, oh, love.
Fuck my life, that was so good.
Band practice is over.
And tonight, it was finally happening.
At 9:00, they were finally going to kiss.
Still up for tonight?
Of course I am, yeah.
"Nothing is going to spoil
my good mood today."
That's what Charly promised himself.
VOTE FERRES
Charly believed some people
are simply meant to be together.
His grandpa and grandma, for example,
were together for 70 years.
They even worked next door to each other.
He was a hairdresser,
she was a funeral director.
Charly inherited their tandem bicycle,
and his responsibility-loving mother Jana…
Responsibility rules.
…took over both businesses
after her parents died.
She tore down the wall between them,
and Fune-Hair-Al Parlor was a hit.
Such a big hit
that Charly had to help her out.
Every weekday, without fail,
he washed Gossip Gabi's curls…
Is that okay?
Mm. Good.
…and Body-shaming Babsi's curls.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I have an appointment.
Tint or tragedy, my friend?
Um…
Tragedy, I'm afraid.
- Sorry to hear it.
- I'm sorry.
Please have a seat.
Everything was in perfect balance.
SCHITTEN COURIER
- Until…
- Did you hear that Wera's son…
God rest her soul… is in Schitten?
- No, Toni?
- Yes.
Who's that?
Toni Fleischer.
He's some kind of "repper."
I have no idea what that is,
but he got fat doing it.
Oh, Jana, are you two
back to bumping boots?
She wants to know
if you two had sex again.
Like on Wera's birthday. Ow!
So sorry.
You mean that time when
Jana and Toni got busy in a golden Trabi
on Wera's 50th birthday?
I remember. Oh, my, my, my, my, my.
My goodness, that was
14 years ago.
Fourteen years.
- Fourteen years.
- How time flies.
You're a spitting image
of that fat old blimp, aren't you?
He looks just like him.
One moment.
So this is my father?
- Mm.
- A rapper?
Mm-hmm.
Nice!
Mm…
- He know about me?
- No.
- I wanna meet him.
- Why? What for?
- 'Cause he's my papa?
- Don't call him that.
Mama?
- Hmm?
- I just wanna meet him, all right?
You don't need that right now.
At this point,
they dive into a complex discussion
about the performative
construction of fatherhood
and the appeal of parenting models
outside heteronormative
frameworks of individuality.
FERRES CAUSEWAY
But let's be real, you probably forgot
how the sentence started.
Yep. So let's skip ahead.
THREE (EMOTIONALLY COMPLEX) HOURS LATER
And everyone…
Everyone else at school has a father,
- I'm the only one who--
- Cut the act!
- I will go see him.
- You won't.
- I will.
- You won't.
You've left me with no choice, then.
No.
Oh!
Please.
Come on. That's it.
Okay, you get the idea. Moving forward.
14 BREATHLESS MINUTES LATER
You drive me crazy!
You're being so difficult!
You wanna meet him, do ya?
And that's when Jana reluctantly accepted
that her son had a right
to make his own mistakes.
Fine.
I knew that this day would come, actually.
It's all in there.
Fresh clothes for a week, a toothbrush,
and a pocket knife.
And this is for me.
Why?
He won't take care of you
if he can help it.
He's probably trying to leave town
as we speak.
So what's your plan?
We'll force him.
Sounds like fun.
FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE
I think.
What? You stay out of this.
Get lost!
What a stubborn kid!
Listen up, kid.
I'm a rapper, okay? I know the game.
You saw me at the funeral and you thought,
"Oh, Toni, such a swaggy dude."
"He's got everything I want.
He's cool, with his gold chains
and his cool drip and shit."
"I'mma get some money out of him
for… licorice."
Licorice? How old do you think I am?
Yeah, or fentanyl,
whatever you kids are into these days.
The thing is…
I mean, I'm too broke to help you out.
Brokest rapper ever.
"Brokest" isn't a real word, Papa.
I'm… I'm not your papa! You can't
just go around saying shit like that!
Aw!
Take care.
- Ah!
- Oh my God, you have a tiny duck?
Dude, just get out of here!
But I…
My mommy left…
…without a word, just like that.
And I'm really hungry, and…
I brought you a little present.
Ugh.
THE BEST DAD (IN SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL)
Well, it's too early to say that, maybe,
but I'm feeling pretty optimistic.
Okay, that's enough. You win, kid.
Here, my last ten euros.
- Happy now?
- I don't want your money.
- You do.
- All right.
Now get out.
I'm off to Berlin, and I'm losing time.
So, that wasn't ideal, but, oh well.
"Nothing is going to spoil
my good mood today."
Okay.
Toni was glad
he finally got rid of that weird kid.
But then he started having doubts.
"Could that really be my son?
I mean, yeah, the math is right,
but Jana and I definitely used protection
when we had sex in that golden Trabi."
"Right?"
She didn't leave him, okay?
Why would she leave her kid like that?
He is not my son.
I don't have a son.
Can we please not talk about this?
I need to concentrate.
No more distractions.
ONLY ROAD TO BERLIN
He needs to write.
All right, let's focus.
The beat?
Still there.
The flow? Still there.
Now just stay on it.
And the lyrics…
God.
Papa!
Papa!
Ugh.
Why won't you take care of me, Papa?
Meeting you was a disappointment,
and you're a bad rapper.
Papa.
You can't just lie on the road like that.
I always do everything wrong.
Here's your ticket. You better pay it.
Next time, make sure
you have a permit, okay?
Okay.
Hey, what the hell happened?
AN HOUR EARLIER
If I should be
throwing myself in front of a truck,
probably one hauling dolls
on the country road right now,
then give me a sign, sweetheart.
Papa.
I need your mother.
I can't live without her!
I have to join her!
Wera! I'm coming!
Tow that thing, Kaia's waiting.
What? No. I'm going to Berlin.
- That soon?
- Yeah.
- Rave?
- Uh… Rave?
No. I have to write songs.
I got a great opportunity.
The chance of a lifetime.
Cool. First you bring that truck back,
then you rave.
- I'm not going to rave.
- You people are filthy.
And take Johnny with you!
JUNKYARD 2.5 MILES
- Johnny.
- Yes?
Cry quietly.
Okay.
JUNKYARD
DRIVING SCHOOL
Kaia, can you pick up the pace?
Yeah, okay.
All right, let's have a look
at this little , shall we?
Can I sit down and write somewhere?
It's urgent.
You just wanna off, don't you?
Fine. Just do it.
Step into my office.
This family is insane. Jesus.
Okay, let's write a hit,
right here, right now.
Beat? Check.
Flow? Check.
Now focus on the lyrics.
Uh. Check, check. 'Kay, hear me out.
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
All gone.
Ugh!
Uh!
Ow…
Ahh…
- Oh, teddy bear.
- Ahh…
I invited the family over for dinner
to apologize for
all the stress I caused today.
Are you, uh, coming too?
I'm not hungry.
Uh…
I'm making Königsberg meatballs.
Fuck it, I'm in.
Yeah-- Oh. I thought…
The whole family at one table.
Wera would've been so elated.
You cry, you're out of here, Johnny.
Back to your spot.
Bon appétit.
Königsberg meatballs!
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
What's up with your hair today?
- Something's different.
- Mmm.
Mama.
- Mmm.
- Aunt Karo looks like dad's armpit,
and it's grossing me out.
Mm-hmm?
- I'm calling my doll "Baby Karo."
- Papa.
No, your doll's name is Jörg.
You don't wanna make Papa sad.
Hey, didn't you have a hair appointment?
Yeah, but Jana's not there.
Not there?
What do you mean?
Disappeared. Gone. The salon's closed.
You just get out of here!
My mom left, so I have to stay with you.
Get lost!
Since the tender age of four,
Königsberg-style meatballs
had been Toni's third favorite food.
But he had a bit of a quirk.
Whenever Toni had a guilty conscience…
You have a guilty conscience.
…he just couldn't get a bite down.
Nah, don't be silly.
Then eat.
It just wasn't possible.
Eat.
Papa, I told you so.
Mommy's really gone, and I'm hungry.
Ah, damn!
Bring me food.
Gun!
Toni, what have you done?
I knew you were gonna change your mind.
Come on, I'll show you my room.
Actually, I just wanted
to bring you some food.
Oh.
I'm not hungry.
It's Königsberg meatballs.
Fuck it. Count me in.
Where did Jana go?
And for how long?
Kid, you can't just sit back
and shrug your shoulders all day.
Oh my God!
I came home from school,
and she was gone, I mean, just like that.
And did you try calling her or something?
The person you are trying to reach
is unavailable.
Come on, she had to have said something.
Just that you're my papa.
- No, that's bullshit. I would know.
- How?
A man can sense these things.
Well, anyway.
- Enjoy.
- Mm.
Whoa.
We're not exactly the same.
That doesn't mean anything.
Are you gonna take care of me?
I can't even manage
to take care of my laundry.
But somebody has to take care of me.
Sorry, who is this little ?
- This is Charly.
- His son.
Your son?
Uh, supposedly.
Charly is Jana's kid.
Jana just disappeared and left him alone.
I have three cousins?
Four. The eldest isn't here.
Well, then.
Charly, family, family, Charly.
I'm Charly.
Bye now.
What?
Charly, kids… Go play.
Yes!
Toni, sit down.
- Yay!
- Go play, then.
Where are you going?
Berlin.
The chance of a lifetime and all that?
What?
Jana's the one who left,
it's not my fault, is it?
Go full manhunt if you have to.
If I have to?
Yeah, Interpol or whatever.
Well, if anyone loves a manhunt, I do.
She loves manhunts, all right.
Mmm.
I really love manhunts.
But…
As an adult in full possession
of her mental and physical faculties,
Jana has the legal right
to choose where she wants to be,
as long as Charly has
a caregiver to take care of him.
And in this situation,
that's you, Toni Fleischer.
And I will not allow you
to leave this poor little boy alone.
Nancy…
I have to get going now.
Don't you have anything to say?
I'm with Nancy. Brother, you're a little .
Karo.
Remember when tequila was,
like, "the drink" for about five minutes?
In that tiny window,
Jana let it slip to Karo
in a tequila haze
that Toni is Charly's dad.
And Karo had to promise
never to say a word.
But Police Chief Inspector
Nancy Bärbel Fleischer
always knew when someone had a secret.
So you were aware of all of this?
And you never said anything?
Yeah, I'm not a damn snitch.
Yeah, that tracks.
Perfectly logical.
Fleischers never snitch!
But anyway, that's awesome.
So Karo can look after him now.
No, that's your responsibility.
Well, let's assume… he's really my son.
Which one of you actually thinks
I'd be a decent father figure?
Charly thought so.
Someone who grew up in such a cool house
with such a cool family
could only be cool.
Cool.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hm?
- What're you doing here all alone?
They kicked me out
because I was crying too loudly for them.
Mm…
You're the kid
who played at Wera's funeral.
That was lovely.
What are you doing here?
I think he's trying to get rid of me,
but I'm actually Toni's son.
Mm. He didn't tell me that.
I'm his daddy.
Cool. Hi, Grandpa.
Huh… Huh…
Grandpa?
None of Nancy's daughters
has ever called me Grandpa, actually.
I'm so happy I could cry!
That's so nice!
Grandpa! Grandpa!
That was beautiful!
That didn't go as planned.
Toni's about to leave.
Charly was down to his last option.
So he used the most cunning,
most manipulative,
and only real weapon a child possesses.
And it worked.
In that moment, as they hugged,
Toni felt affection
and a sense of responsibility.
- And a little bit of hunger.
- Okay.
I'm staying. You can live with me.
Yes!
- Until Jana's back, then I'm gone.
- Cool.
- But it's writing time.
- Check.
Now give me my ten back,
you little scrounger.
Aww…
And now let's go party, you !
Yeah!
And that's one more ticket.
Whoo!
Everything was going
just how Jana planned.
Is it all going as planned?
Mm-hmm. They're all really, really great.
- Even Toni?
- Mm-hmm.
So, are you meeting
your girlfriend tonight?
Yeah.
- Still don't wanna tell me who she is?
- Mm-mm.
Just like you still won't tell me
about where you went.
- Right.
- Salud, señora Jana.
Snuggle bug, gotta go.
- You take care, okay?
- Okay, yeah.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
- Bye.
- See you!
So far, the day was a solid 12 out of ten.
I have to go.
And the best was yet to come.
Papa? Uh, I gotta go,
but I'll be back by ten.
Not a minute later.
Whatever.
Later.
And that's when it hit Toni…
"I'm a dad."
Closely followed by,
"So how does one 'dad'?"
Toni never wanted to be a dad.
And he had to write,
but now there was
nothing left in his head.
No lyrics. No beat.
Just… "Papa."
Charly's day didn't exactly
end on a high note either.
Scene of the crime,
Schitten's iconic make-out spot.
Time of the crime, 8:59 p.m.
Seriously, Mom. You're all
such a pain when you're together.
No, you don't have to come by
to check his papers, are you crazy?
Mom? I really have to hang up now, okay?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay.
It's nine on the dot.
Let's go.
- Mm?
- Mm.
- Wow.
- Wow.
How was your day?
I finally know who my dad is.
And not just that. I have a grandpa,
and I have four cousins.
And then there's Aunt Karo
and Aunt Kaia and Aunt Nancy.
- What?
- And a grandma, but she's already dead.
What?
This Aunt Nancy?
Why do you have a photo of her?
This is my mother.
D-does that mean we're…
Yeah, we're cousins.
- I have three cousins?
- Four.
The eldest isn't here.
Ah, gotta love small-town Germany.
VOTE FERRES & WIN
SCHITTEN
WE ARE FAMILY
"Nothing is going to spoil
my good mood today."
Coolest day of my life.
Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds
And marks
Any heart
Not tough
Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
- Ooh-ooh, love hurts
- Ooh-ooh, love hurts
I'm young, I know
But even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you
I really learned a lot
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
Burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh-ooh, love hurts