Daddy Issues (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

This programme contains
strong language
Dad!
The bin's full again?
Oh, er, yeah.
No, no,
that's going to block the toilet.
Oh, nonsense.
Eh?
I've flushed bigger fish than that
down the lavvy.
Goldfish are tiny.
Oh, no, not a goldfish.
Derek had a koi carp once
for about 24 hours.
We had to cut it into three
to get it around the u-bend,
but Diana flushed away no problem.
Right, OK.
Well, it's bin day,
and this hasn't been taken out,
even though it's one of your jobs.
And that means that the bin men
Oh, er, bin people.
Aren't going to collect it,
which means I'm going to have to
take it to the tip this afternoon.
Well, just drop it into number 16.
She'll never notice.
Yeah, well, obviously
I'm going to do that,
but can you at least empty it?
Soz.
Oh. Oh!
Is that the baby kicking?
Are you serious?
Well, I don't know when they get
legs, do I, Gemma, I'm not a doctor.
I don't know these things.
I didn't even know it was bin day.
It's on the calendar - look.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Oh!
Sorry, sorry!
GEMMA RETCHES
Oh!
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You've been here less than a month.
What?
Oh, my God!
It's my coat, isn't it?
Don't worry.
What's this? Your hormones?
No, Dad, it's you!
Why can't you behave like
a fully-grown adult?
Because your mum never taught me.
What? How to be a functioning
human being? That wasn't her job.
It was.
Who else is supposed to teach me
what to flush down the lavvy?
Or what to use
to mop up bin juice?
Right, nothing but toilet roll
and literally anything but a coat.
Better?! Oh.
Fine, I'll ask Dad instead.
He's not even visited yet
and you're going to ask Dad
to smuggle a phone into prison
up his arse canal?
Yeah.
And what if he enjoyed it?
Cos you know what men are like.
God's sake.
So how's it going with the?
Oh, my pregnancy?
Yeah.
There's not much for me to do now.
I just need to let the egg
do its thing.
Have you told Mum?
Yeah, yeah, she texted me,
"Good luck, you'll need it."
And a gif of someone
blowing their brains out.
Oh!
Eh, well, I hope
Daddy Bear's loaded.
What are you asking for?
Total buyout or monthly repayments?
Jesus Christ, it's a baby,
not a BMW.
All right.
And I'm not entirely sure
who the father is.
I should be able to work it out
once I have my ultrasound.
You should be able to?
I won't be judged by a woman who
tried to have her fiance murdered.
Tried and failed.
How can it be a crime
if you don't achieve it?
That's what my girls say.
Your girls?
Finally made it
onto the D-Block girls' squad.
We all look out for each other.
You know, if you're having
a bad day, you got menstrual cramps,
or you need an alibi
cos some evil bitch needs a cutting.
How do you do it?
Well, usually someone just smuggles
a blade from the kitchen.
No.
Make friends.
You've always had loads,
even though you're a bit
of a sociopath.
Just a people person, Gemma.
You push women away.
And you push men off fire escapes.
BELL RINGS
Right, that's it.
Quick!
I told you to stop putting
stuff up your arse!
I told him to stop!
I don't even need a new vape pen.
Up his arse.
Yeah.
What is going on?
It's called peacocking.
And it's a fantastic way
to pick up women.
Women with no self-esteem from 2004?
Oh, so boring.
Cheers, king.
Oh.
So, Malcolm, how would you
like to be a hit with the ladies?
Maybe, you know, eventually.
Mm-hm, yeah.
Then I have three words for you.
Closeupmagic.
If you can manipulate a ball
into a cup,
you can manipulate
a woman into bed.
Dad, a word.
You know I tolerate him.
But I think you need new friends.
What's wrong with Derek?
He's dressed like
a pantomime pirate.
BANGING
Oh, fuck, not again!
Well, he's my best mate.
Is he, though?
You're going through a divorce
and I'm pregnant.
No offence, you're driving me nuts.
I think we need a support network
of normal friends.
Derek's going through a divorce
and all, isn't he?
He's not normal.
I got the real mouse
and the fake mouse mixed up.
This is for your UTI.
Thanks.
So, how are you feeling about
everything?
Yeah, OK.
I guess.
How am I supposed to be feeling?
Excited?
Happy?
Nervous, scared?
Yeah, all of those.
Except for happy, maybe.
But who's happy, eh?
I saw women on the news
having babies in literal war zones,
so if they're fine, then
Mm, I don't think they are fine.
I think they're deeply traumatised.
Ah-ha, yeah.
Well, what I'm saying is I'm not
in a war zone, so I should be fine.
According to the news.
We run a coffee morning here
on a Thursday
for mummies-to-be to find friends.
Two mummies got on so well,
they're getting married next year.
I bet the daddies weren't happy.
No, no, they tried to sue us.
But there's a
..flyer here if you're interested.
Thanks, but I've actually got
loads of female friends.
Oh, really?
Mm-hm. What are their names?
Their names.
Yeah.
Well, you've got Cheryl.
Um, Nadine.
Sarah.
Kimberley and
What's the other one called?
Nicola?
Nicola, yes!
I'm going to take one of these.
Not because I need it.
Malc,
a ropey Korean buffet has wiped out
the entire front office.
Boss needs you to go
customer facing.
Oh, can'tcan't Jamie do it
because he likes
talking to outsiders, doesn't he?
He likes showing them
his extra nipple too.
He's got a thripple?
Which is why Jamie no longer
works here.
So get to it, yeah?
Unless you want some shifts cutting
next rota.
There's a good lad.
Cherry, hey!
Great to see you,
how have you been?
What a fucking awful thing
to say to me, Gemma.
What? Why?
Don't pretend you don't know.
Everybody knows.
I honestly don't.
Lance left me and the kids.
He left me for a much younger woman.
How much younger?
She's 16.
Oh, God.
You know what
those rugby guys are like.
Oh, he was doing a special visit
to a children's home,
and she just hooked her claws in.
Bitch.
Right.
Well, I'm really sorry
that happened to you, Cherry.
Hey, maybe we should have
a mad night out,
you know, like the old days.
We've never been out together
before.
We've been in the same place
at the same time.
Might cheer you up.
I thought you were only
hanging around
with people you were shagging.
Nope, that's the old me.
OK, I've been listening to
a lot of feminist podcasts.
Friendzies before menzies.
All right.
Look, Tamika Chase is having a party
on Saturday at Alfredo's,
and, um, I need a wing woman
to help me get laid.
Wasn't Tamika Chase a real bitch
at school?
Didn't she superglue you
to a tin of peaches?
A catering-sized tin of peaches.
That's why I don't want to go
on my own.
Well, I can't wait.
All right, great,
I'll get some coke in.
Help take the edge off the bullying.
See you there. See you there.
Oh!
My coffee hero.
Thanks again for that.
You're a real life-saver.
Xander.
Don't mention it. You know,
buying coffee, using a defib.
It's all part of the training.
That's £9.65.
Unless you're exempt.
No, no.
Fully employed and fit.
Apart from
Well, make sure you take
the whole course,
even if it does clear up sooner
..Gemma.
Oh, it definitely will.
There's barely an infection
in my urinary tract at all
..Xander.
Sorry.
Er, hello.
Hello.
Hello, how can I help you?
Hi!
Who's actually in charge here?
Cos I've got three jobs
I'm managing,
all still waiting on those
bloody tiles
..I ordered weeks ago.
Are you looking for someone
to shout at?
Well, I was.
Less so now it's just you here,
hiding behind a counter.
No, I'm not hiding.
I just dropped something.
It was, um
..a good coin.
Yeah, oh, there it is.
Malcolm Musgrave.
Stuart!
Your Gemma went to school
with my girl?
Stuart.
Cor, you look different.
Lost 8st.
Yeah, and had me jaw
completely rebuilt.
Contact lenses.
Oh, yeah.
How are you?
Still playing five-a-side?
Oh, no.
No, my knees.
How about that pub band?
I had to sell the drum kit,
you know,
because Davina wanted a pagoda,
so
Oh, pagodas are nice.
Yeah, she didn't get one in the end.
Look, I should come clean with you,
Stuart, that, um
..my wife left me.
Mine, too.
Sucks, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Did yours become a lesbian?
No, I don't think so.
Loads of them have, Malcolm.
Hundreds of them.
I blame the contraceptive pill
myself.
You know they never really
tested it properly?
I'm pretty sure that's why
loads of middle-aged women
have become lesbians.
Yeah, definitely.
I'm joking.
That would be an insane thing
to think.
Yeah, don't think that.
No.
I started this little group for men
who were having a tough time.
We do boxing.
Does wonders for the old black dog.
Fancy coming along Saturday morning?
Oh, that sounds great.
And I like dogs.
They tried to give me the keys
at work today.
Oh, no, you hate that.
Yeah, I'm not a key person, Gemma.
First they give you the keys,
and then you're on a list
in case there's a break-in.
And before you know it, you're on
the hook for corporate manslaughter.
Yeah, that's the usual order
of events.
Well, I made a friend, though.
Someone brought their dog in?
No, it was a man and a nice man.
Yeah, we've got loads in common.
Like, his wife has left him and all.
And we both miss going to the Wimpy.
And neither of us likes
stinging nettles,
so we've got loads in common.
Great!
I made a friend too, actually.
Remember Cherry from school?
Mm-hm.
Didn't get on back then,
but she has kids now
so it could be useful. Right.
Um
..do you want some ketchup
with that?
With my curry?
Right, yeah, that's fine.
Fine, yeah.
Jesus!
Dad
Did you buy this from Derek? Yeah.
It's good, innit?
He said it's a wow with the ladies.
I'm telling you now, it's not.
Come on, Malcolm.
Show me that rage.
Yeah, get in contact with how
Davina made you feel.
She made me feel
really horrible, Stuart.
That's why I try not to think
of her at all.
Come on, Mal, last big push.
U-u-urgh!
A-a-a-argh!
BELL RINGS
Derek Derek says the best way
to get over someone
is to make someone else cry.
You know, you, you shift the pain
onto them.
Well, that sounds seriously toxic.
Who's Derek? He's my friend.
Hey.
I'm throwing Tam a big 25th tonight.
She's had a tough year
with her mum leaving,
and boyfriend suddenly passed away.
Oh! You'll come?
Bring Derek if you want.
Sounds like he could do with
some male support too.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Keep the gloves.
They're a good fit.
Oh!
Thanks.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Hiya.
Great dress!
Cost 400 quid. What?
I need 400 quid's worth
of dick tonight, babe.
Oof, that's a lot of dick.
I can't promise anything.
I better warn you, Tamika Chase
still hasn't forgiven you
for the Ross Beakfield stuff.
What Ross Beakfield stuff?
CAR HORN TOOTS
She's here.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Tamika Chase is in da house!
HORN BLARES
Let's get this fucking party
started!
Oh, Cherry.
Do you want to park the
bitch machine for me?
Any scratches and I will
rip your hair out. Thank you.
See you in a bit. Thank you.
We're going to have
a brilliant night.
As long as she doesn't glue us
to tinned goods.
She might do that.
Right.
Shall I park the car?
Yeah? You park the car.
I think so.
Never have children, Gemma.
Do you know, since having the kids,
my life has become so boring
and tiring and boring.
Is it really that bad? Mm.
Mm.
I'm just so sick of mummy friends
and talking about Lego and nits.
Wait, what the hell is my dad
doing here?
That's your dad with Tam's dad?
That's Tamika's dad?
Oh, God.
That's a DILF.
Hey.
For fuck's sake. Derek.
My friends call me the big D.
I bet they do.
Hey, are you my appendix?
Because I have no idea what you do,
but I feel like
I should take you out.
Absolutely not, no.
Ugh, eurgh.
I'm going to pretend that never
happened. OK, thanks.
I just don't think there's enough
support for anyone in crisis,
us fellows included.
Yeah, when Davina left,
I was in a really terrible place.
Mentally?
No, it was a bedsit.
Let's just say, you know,
there was lots of, like,
sticky stains and stuff everywhere.
You ain't slagging off my gaff
again, Malcolm?
Derek!
No, no, it was a palace, wasn't it?
I miss it, I really miss it.
Derek, Stuart, Stuart, Derek.
Malcolm was telling me about
your bedsit for divorced men.
Yeah, I expect you'll turn up one
day with a suitcase full of chinos.
Unlikely.
My company pulled in
half a million last quarter.
Oh, well done, Stuart.
Mate, there are bags of women
in here tonight.
Hey, I was talking to Stuart,
he's a really nice guy.
Who likes nice men?
No, mate, these hoes are primed
for you to make a move.
Come on. You know what to do.
Get the eggs out?
Get the fucking eggs out.
Are you going to get the eggs out?
We can't both get the eggs out,
Malcolm.
We'd look really weird, wouldn't we?
No, no, I'm trying my hand
at ghosting this evening.
Apparently chicks go mental
for ghosting.
What's ghosting?
I'm ignoring
every single woman in here.
Ghosting them all.
And they love it.
Watch this. Watch this.
Hey
See that, Malc?
Master.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was great.
SQUEAL OF DELIGH
Tamika! Hey
Gemma Moscrip. Hiya.
Can I get you a drink?
Happy birthday.
Our dads are really
getting along. Yeah.
Loads of fucking loser dickheads
love Stuart.
He's a beacon for the pathetic.
OK.
You haven't changed much
since school, then.
We haven't.
My boyfriend says
I still look 15. Ooft.
Is your boyfriend on
the sex offenders register?
Hope you got Tam something amazing.
You owe her, after all.
Oh, no, babe, babe, babe,
don't worry about it.
When your daddy gets you a Jag
for your birthday,
it really doesn't matter
what the chaff bring in.
Come on.
TAMIKA SIGHS
Oh, my God.
Stop trying to touch stuff,
all right?
Hiya, Dad.
Silly question, why are you making
hard boiled eggs
come out of your mouth?
Well, Derek says everybody
loves eggs, that's all.
No, they don't. Vegans don't.
Oh, well, I'd argue they love eggs
more than ordinary people.
Yeah, I'd be over the moon if
someone handed me a free egg, Gemma.
That's come out of their mouth?
Well, you can rinse it, can't you?
If I buy you a drink,
will you promise to stop making eggs
come out of your mouth?
Yeah, all right.
I'll have a ginger beer. OK.
Stuart. Dad.
Do you want this ginger beer or not?
All right, Malcolm? Yeah. You?
Oh, fucking hell.
Right, tell me
what all this is about, then.
Ross.
Beakfield.
What about Ross Beakfield?
You dated him. For like a week,
ten years ago.
And you slept with him.
Oh, my God. I barely kissed him.
Well, I was in love with him
and you stole him from me.
And I can never tell him,
because he's dead.
Yeah.
No, I don't think he is.
Well, I think he is.
Because his mum texted me about
four months ago saying his number
was no longer in use, because
he had died very, very suddenly.
Mm-hm. It's really funny, that,
because I heard that
he moved to Basingstoke four months
ago because you were stalking him.
He wasn't your boyfriend?
No, he was. Yeah, he was.
Cos that's the truth
I was choosing to live by, Stuart.
WHISPERS: Did you know?
Why didn't you tell me?
He's not dead? No.
But we held that mini wake.
No, he is dead.
Because I had RIP Ross Beakfield
tattooed on my
..kitten.
Gun. Glue gun! I will glue you,
Gemma Moscrip.
One day, when you least expect it,
I'm going to fucking glue you.
To what?
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
No! No!
Tamika?! Tamika?
What the actual fuck?
£400 dress.
Four hundred quid, mate.
Never going to have any dick
You were so cool, even though
she threatened to glue you!
That isn't a thing.
Is that going to come out?
Do you want some?
SHE BURPS
I can't.
I'm pregnant.
SHE LAUGHS
Wait, what? I am.
I don't know how many weeks.
My first scan's on Monday.
Babe, that is so amazing.
Why didn't you say anything earlier?
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
Cos I thought
you wouldn't want to hang out.
I didn't, but I do now! Oh, my God.
Oh, you are so lucky.
Having a baby is like being
love-bombed by your own DNA.
God, I'm still
getting my head round it.
I don't know who I should tell
What you can and can't do. Yeah.
Well, any advice, I am here for you.
Thanks.
Wow.
Mm!
There's one thing
I can still do.
CHERRY GASPS
Peow!
Did you steal that from her? Nice.
AMERICAN ACCENT: I got glue
Right.
I'm sorry about that, Stuart.
Don't worry about it, Malcolm.
Hey, do you think Tamika's
a bit spoilt?
Well, maybe, you know.
Just a little bit, like.
Yeah.
Anyway
Now you've got my number,
give us a call any time, especially
if you want to rant about the ex.
Yeah, or if I find a stubborn
patch of nettles.
THEY LAUGH
My car!
YOUR car?
Malcolm!
What has your daughter
done to my car?
Tamika said it was her
birthday present.
I let her drive it as a present. Oh!
Jesus Christ!
My car.
Where's the nearest Jet Wash?
I can't let it dry like this.
Are you, er, are you going to want
those boxing gloves back, Stuart?
Yes, Malcolm!
Sorry, Dad.
I loved those gloves.
Yeah.
I got you a hot chocolate.
Dad!
Well, er, your scan was
on the calendar, wasn't it? So
Gemma.
The sonographer'll see you now.
Is it all right if my dad comes in?
Yeah. Of course.
Come on.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, it's all right.
Hey, do you want to
go for lunch after?
Oh, hey, I brought my own.
How long has that been
in your pocket?
Ha-ha-ha! A while.